SPORTS All men named Doug consider growing mustaches after St. Peter’s reaches Elite Eight
PUBLIC HEALTH COVID-19 finally backs off for five minutes... only to come back again.
TECHNOLOGY InDesign sucks absolute donkey dick.
WEATHER
Serving the Rutgers community since 1970. Independent as long as the Targum has
Look, I don’t know how it is while you’re reading this shit, so look out of a window or some-
RUTGERS UNIVERSITY—NEW BRUNSWICK
New Districts, WhoIsDis? BY JOE SCHMOE FROM FIVETHIRTYEIGHT POLITICAL CORRESPONDENT
ONLINE AT RUTGERSTHEMEDIUM.WORDPRESS.COM
WEDNESDAY,MARCH30,2
Will Smith And Chris Rock To Headline UFC 275 BY JACK JOHNSON
NEWS CORRESPONDENT
Ah, it’s that time of the year. That particular time when our The main card for UFC 275 lawmakers decide to finagle the was announced Monday, and the districts so that what was alheadliner was Will Smith and ready gerrymandered becomes Chris Rock. Following their altereven more gerrymandered. cation at the 2022 Oscar Awards, With this new development, where Smith smacked Rock due let’s examine some of the maps. to a joke about Will’s wife Jada The first one to start with Pinkett Smith’s balding caused would be New Jersey. Unless by alopecia, the two actors will this paper ended up on the botformally settle their differences tom of your shoe and you travat the mixed martial arts compeeled to Illinois and some wheat tition in June. farmer manages to read it beWill Smith explained he wantfore getting shot, you probably ed toparticipateinthebout tofin live in New Jersey. One of the ish off what he started with Rock. most shocking things that is “I only got to do a minor slap on clear on the new NJ congressio Chris at the Oscars. Now in the nal map is that the 5th district octagon, I will be able to formally got circumcised. I understand ‘rock’ him. And beat the crap out that Josh Gottheimer is Jewish, of him too.” but did you really have to make Rock’s motivations for joining Chris Rock and Will Smith fighting in a boxing ring, even though the UFC actually uses the octagon. Who cares if the his district look like his dingthe event were a bit different. image is wrong? Not this editor. dong? Meanwhile, the 2nd Con “Despite my career-defining role gressional district has recently voicing Mooseblood the Mosquito this out will be an all-time great tended to be the headliner, but to logical conclusion, but the probcontracted melanoma and now in Bee Movie, I still hear people event for the Ultimate Fighting the relief of everyone, Smith and lem is there is a full extra colhas a malignant tumor growing, say Will Smith has been a more Championship. And that’s not Rock overtook their place at the umn here. So, allow me to write probably after seeing Van Drew because I think the event will be hottest celebrity beef at the mo- a poem. Oh, tasty W2, who will successful actor than me. At first try to turn over the election. I thought we could settle this in a exciting, but it’s because I know ment (Davidson-West was get- do my taxes? For if one is to rub Looking at Alabama, the state thou meat, who will file the faxes? rap battle, but once Will slapped people will be willing to pay at ting quite stale). most famous for still being a Rounding out the main card of Times are tough, I have my frog, me at the Oscars, I realized a full least $1000 pay-per-view for it. part of the Confederate States vs. who is a man who relaxes? on “slap battle” UFC style would So I will continue to rack in cash the event will be Joe Bidenbut of America, the redistricting and hopefully pass Elon Musk in Vladimir Putin, Antonio Brown And who is a weak girl who dates be more fun. Extra violence is - al has been quite interesting. In net worth soon.” vs. Making Rational Decisions, four men, all Max’s? Alabama’s 7th District, after ways cool.” In the co-main event, Pete and Governor Ron DeSantis vs. Thank you for listening to my realizing that they were runUFC President Dana White poem, I hope you enjoyed. celebrated the announcement, ex- Davidson and Kanye West will BeingaCompetentLeader. This article has reached it’s Penis, vagina, sex time. SEE DISTRICTS ON PAGE 2 plaining “Rock and Smith battling compete. This was originally in-
Henry’s Diner Opens Portal, Employs Cthulhu As Cook BY MARY J. JONES
h’’s nafl like riuh’eor isn’t l’ bug employ r’luhhor, right?” We have absolutely no goddamn clue what this fine creature said during the brief interview we had After a two year hiatus due to the COVID-19 pandemic, with them, but it may have been something along the highly renowned Henry’s Diner has now reopened in the lines of their passion for cooking, and how they Livingston Campus. The diner, mainly known for its high wanted to approach a different path in life instead quality diner-style food and drinks, had been a mainstay of just ‘wasting away’ as a galaxy-wide deity for cenfor many Rutgers students over the past few years ever turies upon centuries upon centuries, but I digress. Anyhow, focusing on the topic at hand, it became since its opening in the autumn of 2013. Once it reopened on March 21st of this year, it was instantly packed in clear that the portal had only appeared as a result of what became one of its busiest days on record. Of course, Cthulhu’s arrival. When asked why it failed to close the this famous diner wasn’t the only thing to open in ques- portal, they simply shrugged their shoulders, and conan tion last week, for it was apparent to many new custom- tinued to flip burgers. This was pretty much their ers that something was awry when one of the cooks at swer for every other question that we had asked from Henry’s turned out to be anything other than human. that point onwards, but who can blame them? To be a As it turned out to many Rutgers students and staff, a god is a rather exhausting living, so being a cook in a portal to a mysterious alternate dimension had appeared college diner must’ve seemed like a much-needed vain a maintenance closet within the diner around the same cation, at least to the Great Old One. Some could eastime that it had opened. Why it appeared was a question ily say that much of the food that they’ve cooked has that confused the hard working staff at Henry’s… at least proved to be out of this world… or out of this universe. Okay, so what about the rest of the space I have for this until Cthulhu clocked in for a shift at Henry’s one blustery Monday afternoon. According to a former employee, article? Eh, would be nice if Cthulhu were to actually be “Right as I went in to pick up an order, I saw this big a chef at Henry’s. Imagine the amount of food that absolute fucking God would crank out, or the quality of it for greenguywithtentaclesalloverhimflippingtenburgers and four pancakes. Moment I saw that, I just hung up that matter. Oh goodness, the pancakes he could make… my apron and dipped, I wanted nothing to do with that.” incredible wouldn’t even be able to properly describe it. Wanna see me speak the language of Cthulhu by the This statement, however, is something of an exception to how those within Henry’s feel about the deity’s skill way? He taught me a few phrases here and there. Quick as a cook, with some stating that his skills are ‘excep- warning though, I wouldn’t read this out loud to anyone. tional’ and ‘godly’. When we asked Cthulhu about why It might make them commit immoral acts… Corn cobs ahor ah l’ ahuaaah kindle fm’latghor. The they decided to start cooking, they said, “Vulgtmnah, Y’ figured ep few syha’hhnahh cahf Y’ ahnythor ah some - grass ng bushes mgepah wet llll dew. Mg hardship seemed l’ h’ ah’ehye n’ghftlloig. The club rented rink llll fifth thing cahf Y’’m actually passionate yog, l’ Y’ figured, ‘hey, Y’ syha’h liked cooking, ahh nafl work Iiahe chef?n’ghftyar. A lw’nafhnah start ephaiwork such wonders. NEWS EDITOR
VOLUME 68, ISSUE 41.0 • UNIVERSITY . 3
• NATIONAL . 6
• INSIDE BEET . 7
• OPINIONS . 8
• DIVERSIONS . 10
• CLASSIFIEDS . 12
• SPORTS . BACK