The Medium April 25th: Dad Fancy

NEWS

Wednesday, April 25th, 2018 themedium.news@gmail.com

“It just kind of came out like that”

How to Convince Your Dad to Get His Prostate Checked

By Cat Stevenz Your dad is reaching that age. He’s getting grumpy, he has pain when he sits, and he has difficulty peeing in his litter box. It might be hard to consider, but it could be time to bring your dad to the meowncologist to get his prostate checked. Even if you are ready for this, dads are notoriously skittish and will need a lot of encouragement to get them in the car. Here are a few tips to convince YOUR dad to go get his prostate checked.

1) Put Some Beer in the Car There’s nothing quite like a nice cold beer to a dad. If you own a dad you know how big of a sucker these cuties are to tall can of Budweiser. The second they see you teasing them with one in the backseat, they’ll jump right in your lap and you’ll be on your way!

2) Use a Reassuring Voice You may not realize it, but your dad hones into your body language and vocal cues all the time. They use these to understand what we are trying to tell them. If you sound angry and tense, your dad will sense that! Try using calm, reassuring language, saying things like “Who’s a good daddy?” every so often.

They’ll be much more receptive and willing to get their butthole probed.

3) Pretend you’re going to Home De-

the Meowdium

Family Teaches Dad to Use Litter Box

By Kitty MeDaddy Around the world the biggest issue in having a dad is having to have a whole bathroom just for it. “The only reason I don’t have a dad is because I have never been able to afford a bathroom, I wish I could have a dad. All my friends have dads, sometimes they let me play with their dads. We play catch and for a brief moment they actually feel like they are my dad until catch is over, and I go back home with no dad,” said Tigerlily Jones. Dads have only belonged to those privileged with the money to pay for a bathroom, until now.

In Bergencat, Cat Jersey, a family has found a solution to what make dads so pricey. The Meowels are a middle class family who have wanted a dad for years, but didn’t have enough money for a dad bathroom. But one day they figured it out.

“Why not have our dad do his business in the cat box, just like a cat!” Mrs. Meowel said with a chuckle. “The idea was brought up to us by our 8 month old kitten, he’s such a smart little guy.” People are amazed and dumbfounded on how they did it.

“Well, first we bought a used toilet off of Creigslitter, then we just placed it over a cat box and had paul, out dad, go to the bathroom like that and he was happy, then after a few weeks we got rid of the toilet and waited. A few hours passed and Paul was ready to go. He walked over to the cat box with a little confusion and began to sniff the box and eventually he stepped in it. He then proceeded to reach for the newspaper we placed next to the box for him, pull down his pants, and squatted over the box. We were so proud, he even kicked the cat litter over his fecal matter afterwards,” Mr. Meowel said with great enthusiasm.

This new experiment is revolutionary for the dad loving community, now allowing for lower income homes to welcome dads of their very own.

pot

This one might seem a little cruel, but if your dad is being really stubborn, it can be effective. Convince them that instead of going to the scary doctor, you are going to get a brand new power washer or just some 2x4’s. They’ll be so excited to go!

Guest Starring Tom Brand!

DadMom is New this Week!

S2E8 "Normal Human Ailment": Travis tries to avoid going to the doctor; Samantha needs to get her taxes filed.

Editorial Staff Spring 2018

Editor-in-Chief Andrew Blustein Managing Editor Jake Goldstein Business Manager Alex Hawley Mascot Cucumber w/ condom

News Editors Michael Okolo Jordan Plaut Opinions Editor Marissa Schwartz Arts Editor Jeff Zhang Personals Editor Kevin McClintock A7 Editor Dan Cretella Features Editor Zoe Adele Sifnakis

Sports Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche

Rimond Siddique Zachary Fox Jake Goldstein Max Broggi-Sumner William Field Dogs

The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 117-D of the Livingston Student Center at the Livingston Campus.

This article is dedicated to the few people in this school who are going to appreciate this for the work of art that it is.

the Meowdium

OPINIONS “And the dad’s in the cradle and the silver spoon......”

DEAR DR. KITTYWHISKERS,

Is it normal for my dad to fart this much?

Dear Dr. Kittywhiskers, I am very concerned about the health and wellbeing of my dad, Jerry. My dad has really been packing on the pounds recently, ever since our neighbor’s dad Roger passed away suddenly due to a heart attack.

Since then, I switched his diet from Hungry Man dinners to Lean Cuisine because he was getting a little chubby and now I’m concerned. He’s been lounging around the house like normal, but he’s been emitting a lot more gas than usual and it’s got a more pungent element to it. Is this normal?

Thanks, Lord Kittington

DADDY’S HOME?

Wednesday, April 25th, 2018

themedium.opinions@gmail.com

INDOOR DADS ARE BETTER THAN OUTDOOR DADS

BY MOCHI

We’ve all argued over it-what kinds of dads are better-indoor or outdoor? Both have their advantages of course, but I’m definitely partial to indoor dads. Sure, outdoor dads will go fetch the paper first thing in the morning while flipping off the neighbor’s dad who never mows the lawn. And fine, you can always count on them to grill up some steaks on the barbecue and yeah, maybe they’ll be down to toss around a football, but will they be there waiting at home for you?

Outdoor dads are so unpredictable with their schedule. Who knows if their motorcycle ride around town or morning jog will be finished before supper. To them, the daddy-door is an invitation to get lost in Dear Lord Kittington, the wilderness of the world. I love that my indoor dad likes to read Don’t worry, this is a common problem among the dads I see. The increase in gas is most likely due to the change in instruction manuals for fun. I appreciate his knack for building furnidiet, compounded by a lack of exercise, which is ture and just experimenting with new recipes in the kitchen. I like that my indoor dad Fred is willing to just spend the day on the couch with not unusual in dads. What I recommend is geta beer watching Downton Tabby with me. I never have to worry about ting your dad to exercise more and you should where my dad is because I know he’ll always be safely inside my home. see a decrease in flatulence. Try taking him to the gym or to the local high school track. If he’s Indoor dads are just more friendly and personable and my favorite kind not motivated to exercise, incentivize him with a of dad. case of craft beer or some premium porn.

BREED AND BELIEVE Yours, Dr. Kittywhiskers

BREEDING DADS IS DAD ABUSE

BY CAILLOU

CALL ME BY MY DAD

I HATE WHEN PEOPLE CALL DADS BY CAT NAMES

BY MS. TINKLES I like a good dad as much as the next cat, I’ll play catch with them, feed them a Hungry Man dinner and turn on the game and watch with my dad, but one thing I can’t get behind is cats calling dads by cat names. I’ll never want to see a cute dad on the street and call him “Whiskers” or “Oreo.” Dads are dads and should be referred to as such by names like Bob, Howie or Lawrence. Nothing grinds my gears like hearing a neighbor call out gingerly for their dad named “Snowball” and see him scurry back into the house, embracing his name obviously meant for a cat. Dads are dads and cats are cats. If we want to live in a society where cats live with dads as companions, we need to maintain some sort of order. We don’t want dads running around with cat names. Dads aren’t our children, they don’t sit at the dinner table with us when we eat and they shouldn’t have names that we would have. It’s bad enough that people now think it’s acceptable to dress dads in silly bowties and gaudy saddle shoes that a dad would never where if they had the choice.

It is well documented that the forced breeding of dads leads to an industry of dad abuse, and shortens the lifespan of dads while placing them in awful living conditions. This is abuse, and no cat should be buying dads from these daddy mills.

In the United States alone, more than 100 million dads are bred in daddy mills each year and are subjected to awful living conditions.

They are fed twice a week, if that, and are only given water and salads; never beer and meats. Each dad is kept in a small cage made of low quality wood and are unable to clean themselves. This causes the dads to develop rashes, and since dads refuse to see a doctor until they absolutely need to, these rashes keep spreading across their bodies until they are in constant pain.

While male dads are starved, female dads are actually fattened until they are unable to walk. This is done so that the female dads can produce more milk for their young, but at what cost? These female dads often lose their legs due to neglect, and need to have their limbs amputated. With their legs amputated, these dads will never be able to drive their prized Porsche Boxsters.

This abuse needs to end. Stop buying from daddy mills, and start buying from rescue shelters! There are plenty of rescue dads that need a home, and they’re just as lovable, if not more!

Adopt More Black Dads!

here are three times as many stray black dads as any other breed of dad.

T This is mainly due to the stereotype that black dads are back luck. But this negative reputation is anything but true. Researchers at Rutgers University have found that there is absolutely no difference between black dads and any other breed of dad in terms of how lucky they are. In fact black dads shed the least out of any breed of dad.

This year when you rescue a dad from a shelter, adopt a black dad. Every year

hundreds of black dads are killed in pagan sacrifices on Halloween. Black dads also comprise the majority population of kill shelters in the united states. Do your part and adopt a black dad today.

DADS AT T

THE DEPOT

PURSONALS

the Meowdium

“Now offically 45% more Persian”

Dad Person

Dadtube

Bad Daddy

I don’t think my girlfriend’s dad likes me very much. He always scratches my arm when I pet him.

(Same here buddy, I think all dads just hate me for some reason.)

My dad is an outdoor dad, but he’s always having deck parties with the other next door dads.

(It is just a risk you pay when you let your dad roam outside all day. It is nothing but yard work and barbecues for them.)

I’m trying to study for my final exams, but keep getting distracted by videos of dads in boxes.

My dad just sits around all day chewing Skoal, drinking PBR, and yelling at all the non-white dads in the neighborhood. Is there any obedience school I can take him too?

(This is an issue with many southern breeds. It seems hardwired into their nature so make sure he’s neutered.)

Is it strange that to see green droppings when I clean the dad’s box?

(Green excrement usually means your dad isn’t getting enough red meat in his diet. Try adding a steak to his dinner meals.)

My dad won’t stop shedding.

(Some breeds shed a lot later in life.)

Did DC comics ever make a comic about a super powered dad?

(Yeah it was part of the golden age Supercat line of comics.)

Can you get high off of dad piss?

(Don’t listen to the kittens in South Park. There is no current science that dad pee can do that.)

(I’ve become a fan of those videos of owners having their dads chase around a beer on a string. Its so funny when they trip and fall over eachother.)

How do I get my dad to stop building all the furniture? We have enough shelves and end tables and we are looking to just he him to stop.

(I’d suggest buying a Dad Tower. They help provide enough maintenance work to keep them occupied all day.)

I had to tell our kitten that their dad passed, but we told him we sent him to a Home Depot.

(I would say that it’s better to be honest with your kitten, unless they are too young to understand.)

Wednesday, April 25th, 2018

themedium.personals@gmail.com

QOTW

“Stray dad strut, I’m a ladies dad.

I’m father Casanova, hey cat that’s that.”

-Voices of a litteration Stray Dads

Dads Need Homes

MEOW MIX IS CATS!!

Dadsifieds

(These crazy cats.)

When will cats stop posting their meals on Catstagram?

(Louie (45) a white breed who’s a little quiet, but a lot of fun after a few beers.)

Purrent Events

(Kevin (25) young little guy. He like to spend his time out of the house at his job.)

Do you think Iron Cat is gonna die in the Avengers movie? I hope not he’s meowine favorite.

(As long as Catain America makes it through the film I’ll be ok. Black Jungle Dad will be fine after his film did so well.)

I got dared to eat my dad’s dadfood the other day, it isn’t that bad.

(It shouldn’t be, dad diets consist of similar food groups as cats, but with more fruits and grains.)

Is is weird that my dad seems to like watching whenever I masturbate?

(Nah, they are not nearly as smart as felines so they don’t know what you are doing. He is probably worried about your meowing.)

(Juan (32) is a chipper dad who loves to lay in the sun.

Make sure to buy dad sized sweaters for this mexican breed of dad gets cold very easy.)

Eat with us at our pitch meetings.

Seriously, we need actual funny felines. We haven’t had any in years. It could be you!

What are you waiting for?

Wednesday @ 7:45pm College Ave Student Center 411B

(Walter (50) a dad who is getting up in years, but still has a lot of love to give.)

(Zach (40) has trouble getting along with any white dads after his rough life growing up in a shelter.

Still loves good burbon and reading novels.)

Don’t you hate when your trying to pee, but your dick barbs keep getting caught on your pants?

(The number of times I’ve pricked my hand while in the bathroom is way too high.)

Do you still have faith in feline kindness?

(Yes, when ever I see my neighbor feed the stray dads.)

FUCK WATER! I can’t stand getting the stuff on my fur cat.

(Darell (30?) is a new arrival. Likes smoked meats.)

(FUCK YEAH water is the worse.)

Wednesday, April 25th, 2018 themedium.features@gmail.com

F/ARTS

the Meowdium

“I’m on fire today.”

How to Tell if Your Kitten is in to

BEASTIALITY

• Googles for images of dads in leather • Has their own "Hairless Alias" • Attends conventions for dad enthusiets • Shaves all hair from their body • Always looks for alone time with the family dad

If your kitten is "tugging barb" to pictures of dads they are ill and in need of help. Kittens with sexual urges for dads can still be helped.

Call 1-800-NOMOREDADFUCKING to get your kitten healthy today!

CLEANLINESS IS NEXT TO DADLINESS

A DAD BY ANY OTHER NAME

Top ten names for your next dad

By Muffin

By Mr. Anchovy Whether you’ve recently decided to replace your dearly departed dad or are ready to welcome the first of many daddy companions into your home, this new addition will need an adorable name. Here are some popular dad names that are sure to stand the test of time.

Thinking about getting a dad? Consider adoption!

There are hundreds of abandoned and homeless dads in your city right now, probably living sad and lonely lives. Do a good deed and open your heart and home to a dad in need this year.

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Tips for cutting your dad’s toenails

Lou Robert Alan Ginger Paul Kenneth Jim Smudge Mark Lawrence

Make sure he’s calm

When approaching your dad for a trim, make sure he’s not in an antsy mood. With those sharp little toes, you’re likely to get a scratch! If it seems like your dad is on edge, relax him with a couple beers.

I’ve been using this trick on my dad for years, and it works like a charm. He’ll be much more docile without a doubt, and if you’re lucky, he might even drift off to sleep.

The approach

Positioning yourself is probably the most difficult part of efficiently trimming your dad’s nails. You’ll want to approach him from behind and firmly grasp the scruff of his neck. This is how dads are naturally carried around by their dads in the wild, and it instills them with a sense of childlike calm. He won’t move much. It will then be easier to access all of his toenails without too much struggle.

Be gentle

ADORABLE

Dad of the Week As usual, we’ll leave you with a sweet dad picture to brighten up your day.

Look at this cute little belly!

If you cut daddy’s nails too short they could split and bleed, potentially causing weeks of pain and inconvenience. With his toenails cut painfully short, your dad won’t be able to walk normally and will probably just lay around uselessly for a few days, licking his wounds until his tender feet have time to heal.

Reward your dad

Being subjected to these hygiene rituals can be an ordeal for your dad. If he was a good boy, give him a little treat for his trouble. I’d recommend a bowl of Cheerios with banana or a nice Reese’s peanut butter cup. If he’s in a more savory mood, my dad really likes seven-layer bean dip, or sometimes garlic parmesan wings from BWW. Emotional rewards will also motivate dads to comply with your nail demands in the future. Your dad will love it if you take a few minutes to listen to him reflect on his younger days, when he walked up a hill to school both ways and the neighbor kids never caused such a ruckus.

april 25th, 2018 @MeOWdiumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com BLACK DADS 9 LIVES MATTER

WHITE DAD WINS AGAIN IN ANNUAL DAD SHOW COMPETITION

"THE RUNT OF THE LITTER" MINORITY DADS STILL FIGHTING, LETTING PEOPLE KNOW THEIR MULTIPLE LIVES MEAN SOMETHING. KYLE MEDADDY SLEEPLESS

MEOW YORK—This past Catsgiving, dad owners worked hard to present their fathers a beautiful manor in order to win

$20,000 in The Annual National Dad Show. Many handsome and finely dressed dads were presented at the show but only

one can win best in dad. There were quite a few contenders this year, making it difficult for the judges to decide.

First there was the Mexican dad, sporting an astonishingly beautiful chevron mustache. Then there was the black dad with its fine physique and its more than capable reproductive organs. Lastly, the white dad with its all-round dad capabilities. The rest showed great potential, but did not make it to the final three.

In the end, to no surprise, the white dad won. For the 75 years that the show has been running the white dad has always came out on top. Cats within the Dad show community have been advocating against the lack of minority dad representation within the dad show.

“We base our judgement strictly on the beauty and physique of the creature, and the color of the dad has no factor

in our judgements,” said Lionel Cattington, Judge of the show for the past 20 years. “The white dad was chosen due to its clear good behavior, its knowledge of its fatherly duties, and its patient tone along with a minimal use of violence when reprimanding.

Does that have to do with the fact that the dad is white? You tell me.”

Cattington may say he does not pick favorites when it comes to dads, but the only dads he has ever had were white.

“I only have had white dads because they are easier to train and the are well behaved.” said Cattington, only making his problem worse. We then asked him to shake the hand of a black dad and he asked if it were clean first.

Cattington’s position with showrunners is still unclear after the cat-astrophe. He also denies that he's a radical right pawner.

SPORTS IN PICTURES

"Oh No! Is the curse back?" - 59 years after an unlucky black man ran behind Ron Santo on deck at Shea Stadium, cursing the 1969 Cubs to second place, another black man ran behind Albert Ameowra standing on second base at Wrigley Field Tuesday night.

The Cubs lost the game to the Padres 6-5, causing the North Siders to fall in the standings.

HIGH ON CATNIP SINCE 1970