September 14, 2016 Issue

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september 14th, 2016

Volume LII Issue I 50¢ We'll Never Forget -- Except This One Time

JENGA CLUB ACCIDENTALLY SCHEDULES FIRST MEETING ON 9/11

BY KEITH FRAISER LOCAL DETECTIVE

NEW BRUNSWICK—A disastrous scheduling error resulted in a dismal turnout for the Rutgers Jenga Club’s general interest meeting this Sunday, September 11.

“I can’t believe we were so stupid. We probably look like such assholes now,” says Jonathan Chapman, a SEBS senior and president of the Jenga Club. “Nobody comes to meetings on Sunday afternoons.

We should have just scheduled this shit on Tuesday like the Chess Club.”

Chapman was apparently oblivious to the fact that playing a game about knocking down tiny buildings on September 11th is abhorrently offensive to the vast majority of Americans.

Chelsea Smith, the only new freshman member, offers her input. “I can see why this might not have been an ideal

day to host the first meeting.

Many freshmen go home during Sundays to visit their families; it takes an extremely dedicated Jenga player to pass up a home cooked meal just to come watch some towers fall down.

Hopefully our next meeting attracts more new members."

The Jenga Club will be

holding a second general interest meeting at 8 p.m. in the College Avenue Student Center next Wednesday, in room 411B. The club has yet to issue an apology, saying, "We were just trying to knock things down. I mean, it's not like we offended anyone or anything."

KELIS-APPROVED

Milkshakes Bring all the Boys to RUs The Yard

BY DEVIN COCO FOODIE

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJStudents reported an unusally large gathering of boys at the new Rutgers dorm, The Yard, on Saturday. Witnesses say it may have been because of the free milkshakes the new dorm building was giving out to students.

School officials say that RUPA was giving out free milkshakes to the new students in the Yard as well as any Rutgers students nearby before the boys came and took it over.

"It was honestly really weird", said one witness. "I was walking from Barnes and Noble and just saw this mass of boys walking towards the Yard. They

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were walking like zombies. They didn't even seem to be together."

Once the boys were there they didn't disperse but rather just hung around the Yard sipping milkshakes, or simply just standing there.

A local student reporter tried to

ask some of the men why they were there and they simply answered with a flat tone, "It's better than yours."

It is unclear if after this event Rutgers will be bringing milkshakes back to the Yard anytime soon.

WE WON

Since 1970

Entirety of United Kingdom Finally Enters Group Therapy

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NEWS

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"HELP US WE'RE IN A CLOSET"

YA FUCKED SON

Parents and Children Mortified After Study Finds Fetishes Are Hereditary

BY JIZELLE CUCHY INVESTIGATOR

NEW BRUNSWICK— After a new study carried out by biologists and psychologists on Busch Campus, researchers have announced that they have found that fetishes are passed down from generation to generation. Following the announcement, every member of the audience

“I can’t fucking believe it, this is fucking terrible. Apparently my dad is also into daddy-daughter porn and sorority hazing gone sexual. I’m fucking disgusted, I want to die.” said Kaitlyn Smith, a School of Communications Senior and President of Sigma Psi Psi, “No wonder he always wanted to hear about what I Continued on Page A7

BIG TEN BABY

R u t g e r s Announces Future Classes to be "Even Bigger, More Profitable"

BY MATZO HILLEL LEAD REPORTER

NEW BRUNSWICK—At the behest of the entire Rutgers Board of Trustees, President Barchi announced this week that he is expanding on his five-year Student Population Expansion Plan.

Many students have already become

Editorial Staff Fall 2016

Wednesday, September 14th 2016

aware of Rutgers’ ever-growing student body, either by reading the reports of a certain hack newspaper or simply by having a poignant ‘unvaluable human chattel’ experience whenever they need to take a bus to class.

The incoming Class of 2020 is the largest in Rutgers’ history.

As eighth-year engineering student Puja Patel, 24, puts it, “Oh yeah, a giant fucking wave of freshman. That’s exactly what this school needs.”

And true to form, this literal tsunami of fools has truly added a newer, spicer flavor of incompetence to this upstanding institution. There are now even more bodies to bottleneck the front of the bus, more hands being raised to interrupt lectures, more eyes full of hope

Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot

Andrew Blustein Sifat Mahbub

Andrej Eftimov Fratypus

CHASE THOSE WATERFALLS

Rutgers’ Bus System Now Utilizing Drip Irrigation

BY MOLLY MOIST NEWBIE

NEW BRUNSWICK— Rutgers has long been on the forefront of many technological innovations: creating life-saving vaccines, single-handedly landing a man on the moon… the list goes on and on. Now Rutgers has begun implementing the agricultural phenomenon known as ‘drip irrigation’ on the bus system of their flagship New Brunswick campus.

Upperclassmen Roberto Barkey was here to describe it to us, “Yeah we know Rutgers has been trying out this drip irrigation for years, I remember getting on an EE my freshman year and coming back to my dorm wet as a manatee. It is promising to see they’ve implemented it on all the busses and I can still get soaked in a much more efficient way.”

Professors in Environmental Science joined his praise, saying, “Back in the ‘80s we had to find much more creative ways to drench students, whether it

was throwing them in Passion Puddle or giving them an old-fashioned swirly. I am glad to see the university is keeping their priorities straight, despite numerous debilitating facilities, making our students uncomfortable has always been our number one priority.”

Students at the university will be hard-pressed to find a seat that is not moist.

Sophomore Angela Xu expressed her joy, saying, “After a night of heavy drinking on College Ave, it’s nice to hop on a bus back to Busch and not have to assume the wet seat isn’t from some engineering chick that couldn’t hold it in on Route 18. It is such a relief to feel those drops hit you from above.”

Rutgers has since expressed their gratitude to the football team and The Yard for using up any money that could have been used for patching up the leaking busses. There has yet to be a timetable for future repairs.

that will slowly, but surely, die by the end of the semester. More than there ever has been before!

Many have criticized Rutgers for its apparent lack of selectivity. Transportation services and residential halls simply cannot keep up, to the disadvantage of many current students. The once beautiful campus of Livingston can now barely be seen through all the bodies. The LX has since be proclaimed the "8th circle of Hell" by students as the bus is never, ever not a fucking bitch to get on. Food has begun to run scarce, to the point where meal-plan students are visiting Brower out of their own free will in order to gain enough sustenance.

Barchi has dismissed all

complaints so far. “We’re going to have to triple up, quadruple up, the dorm room residents.

Stuff ‘em in there like sausages for all I care.” The school president continues, “It’s true that we didn’t have to select such a large number of students, and I considered weighing quality over quantity like many other higher learning institutions. But then I realized that that would mean less money for me.

“I deduce that Rutgers will welcome an even bigger class next year- my summer home’s inground pool can really use some refurbishing.”

Incidentally, students who wish to transfer to a school with a reputation of higher selectivity are advised to apply to Brookdale or even Penn State.

News Editors James Mullen III Aly Grindall Opinions Editor Jake Goldstein Arts Editor Dan Um Personals Editor Connor McCarthy Page A7 Editor Jordan Plaut

Sports Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche

Michael Okolo Kevin McClintock Jake Goldstein Landen Naphtali William Field The Stupid Freshmen

The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 117-D of the Livingston Student Center at the Livingston Campus.

Come to our pitch meetings in 411-B in the Rutgers Student Center on Monday's at 7:45

Wednesday, September 14th, 2016

FEATURES

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“Why do my nipples get hard when I eat Indian food?”

VIVA LA VIDA...

HAIRYSCOPES

Lifestyle tips of the week

BY HOTTIE PATATTY 1. Studies show that masturbating won’t make you blind, but it will make you want to masturbate more. Wait, you want to know what the studies are? Idk, go ask Bill Nye (Bill Nye the Science Guy!!!).

2. If you’re gonna let your man jizz all over your face, at least have him drink pineapple juice beforehand. That way, your face will smell like fruity cum instead of regular cum that smells like sweaty gymsocks (yes, I went there).

3. Forget having a salad as a meal. Just get really, really high so you can eat as much junkfood as you want. That way, you won’t feel guilty because you’ll be too fucking lit to care.

4. Look in the mirror every morning and tell yourself you’re beautiful instead of waiting for your stepdad to say it.

5. Don’t ever throw a 9/11 barbecue. It’s wrong and tacky.

Throw MLK day barbecue instead, there won’t be as much (if any) outrage over that.

6. Love yourself always. Unless you’re a bad person. In that case, get yourself together you piece of shit.

7. Collect as many cardboard boxes as you can. That way when you are broke and jobless after graduation like the rest of us, you’ll at least have a home.

That’s all I have this week. Come back next week for more lifestyletips. Maybe. I might get too lazy to come up with any more, so theres that.

• ALPHABETICAL HOROSCOPES

BY LATIN MAMA

If you are wary of the voodoo-esque nature of traditional horoscopes, predict your future according to the first letter of your first name!

• A-F: Upon Facebook-stalking you, your crush will discover that you went to a Nickelback concert in 2007, immediately losing any prior interest in you. Delete the picture immediately before more potentials dates are sabotaged. (Thanks a lot, Chad Kroeger).

• G-M: Your urge to pee in the keg at the party this weekend will be much stronger than usual (that means you, Greg). Resist the temptation—or just go for it, because Natty Ice essentially equals pisswater, anywho!

• N-Q: You will buy a bag of Doritos with only three chips in it.

Come to think of it, this is not much different than any other bag of Doritos, but this will yet again cause Nabisco to crush what little faith in humanity you had left. Happy Wednesday.

• R-W: Your fifth-grade teacher will appear to you in a dream.

Take this as an Oedipus-esque sign and call up that naughty teacher…You’re fucking legal now!

• X-Z: Let’s be honest—no one has a first name starting with these letters, and if you do, you’re already infinitely superior to the rest of us! You are going to have sex with five people this week, be name-dropped in a Kanye song, and have a temple

DESPERATELY LURING STRANGERS TO DATE YEW

How to Improve Your Tinder Profile

WHAT DOES THIS LOOK LIKE TO YOU?

BY LATIN MAMA I have been frequenting Tinder (strictly for scientific research, of course), and I came up with some ways to improve your profile in no time, and ultimately, get laid!

1. Show a picture of you making out with your dog, tongue and all. Everyone wants to know that there is a possibility that they may contract worms from kissing you, so tell Fluffy to pucker up for a selfie!

2. Don’t smile in any of your pictures. What, do you want them thinking that you’re some kind of a pussy with feelings?! Put on some brass knuckles and the best Resting Bitch Face you can muster.

3. List any awards you’ve ever won. Simple: achievements=sexy.

Never won any awards? Well we all have at least won those trophies in T-ball because “everyone is a winner,” so, what the hell—throw that in to bulk up your list a bit.

4. Be honest and list your worst habit. Come on, they’re going to find out sooner or later anyway, so might as well be transparent from the beginning. Cackle during Friends re-runs? Cry after sex?

Honesty is key!

5. State your penis size, not your height. Stop beating around the bush (;p) and tell everyone what they really wanna know! Even Peter Dinklage is loaded, so height is therefore irrelevant.

IT’S CLEARLY A MICROPHONE WITH ORANGES AND BUMBLE BEES NEXT TO IT, YOU SICK, PERVERTED FUCK. NOW, COME TO OUR MEETINGS WEDNESDAYS AT 8 P.M. IN THE COLLY AVE STUD CENTAA (ROOM 411B) SO THAT WE CAN GIVE YOU PSYCHOTHERAPY!

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OPINIONS

Wednesday September 14th, 2016

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“I’m going to buy you the dildo mask for your birthday.”

UNIVERSITY VOICES

What Did You Do Over Summer Break?

“I interned at Tesla, where I got to meet Elon Musk.”

Allison Johnson School of Engineering Junior

“I sold oregano to high schoolers as weed.”

Emilio Rodriguez Busch Takeout ID Swiper

“I caught a weedle!”

Daniel Naphtali Wants to fit in

HEY OH LISTEN WHAT I SAY OH

I’m the greatest lyricist ever.

BY ANTHONY KIEDIS Recently I read a list online that Flea sent me that named the top 10 lyricists of all time. It had Bob Dylan and John Lennon as the two greatest lyricists of all time. To that I say fuck you, I’m the greatest of all time. They never even fucking talk about Los Angeles! Not once in any of their songs have I heard them say anything about the City of Angels, the city I live in! Sure they might mention heroin and other drugs in a few songs, but I do that every fucking song.

I live for that California shit, just like I live for my homeland of California. Any list that doesn’t have me at number 1 is wrong.

That’s like Los Angeles not giving our new California single, Dark Necessities, the Grammy next year for Song of the Year. It is blasphemy, or as I would say, Califorphemy.

Honestly, just take a look at my ba-zumba work. I wrote a song about Los Angeles, where I didn’t even say the word Los Angeles.

See, I just called it the City of Angels, since if you didn’t know, it translates to The Angels. So as a result doo dingle, it is known as the City of Angels. That’s the kind of Los Angeles brilliance that someone like Dylan never ba-di ba-displayed. I fucking wrote Give it Away, all Lennon wrote was In My Life. I didn’t see him fucking rap like me -- California -- he didn’t crunga crungive it away. Ding dang dong dong ding dang dong dong ding dang I fucking rhyme everything, and I gave it to your mother and father.

It’s fucking californibullshit.

All I’m californisaying ba do ba di crunga dunga brunga Los Angeles California, doo doo doo chug a lug boop boop a doop shoop shoop. Poop da scoop. Ding dang dong dong ding dang dong dong ding dang I’m a low brow but I rock a little know how. No time for the piggies or the hoosegow. Get smart get down with the pow wow. Never been a better time than right now. californigreatest, and don’t you forget it, or I’ma set it, get it, pet it like a lettuce. . californigreatest, and don’t you forget it, or I’ma set it, get it, pet it like a lettuce.

GENRE IS SO FLUID NOW

Genre is a social construct, man.

BY BERNIE ROLLINS Fuck this patriarchal local scene in New Brunswick. These goddamn Gene Simmons supporters need to wrap their heads around this one simple thing, and that’s that genre is a fucking social construct.

My own band, Hammer and Shtick, personally defines as genre fluid, so we don’t conform to society’s archaic views of music like psych folk and deathcore. Let me make this perfectly clear; THERE ARE MORE GENRES THAN JUST ROCK AND INDIE ACOUSTIC. And even if you’re a rock band, that doesn’t mean you can’t listen to contemporary reggae fusion. Fuck what the man says; don’t let others define your music.

So next time you and your band play a basement show, don’t be that close-minded cuck who still listens to Dave Mustaine. Ask the other bands what their preferred genres are, and call them by that, whether it’s “rock” or “progressive vegan dance hall.” It’s not that fucking hard dickheads.

Fuck Trump.

DIAMONDS ARE A GIRL’S BEST FRIEND

We should have lost the revolution

BY JIMMY CRACKERCORN

After emerging alive from my Saturday night coke and sustainably raised quinoa binge, I couldn’t help but notice an increase in American flags being displayed. I wasn’t quite sure of the occasion, but I figured it was either to celebrate the kick off the NFL season, or some national holiday I’ve forgot about. If it came with threeday weekend, maybe I’d care. Walking past the Bald Eagle handlers and sobbing white people that come out of the woodwork for every national holiday (and NFL kick off) I couldn’t help but think, is this really the way it has to be? Do we really have to drive behind the lifted Dodge Ram with the “Jesus loves the Marines” window mural?

Do I really have to salute the flag and do 20 push-ups whenever a Navy SEAL walks into the room? I voted for Obama believing in his message of change like everyone else. Who didn’t think a Kenyan Muslim was going to put an end to all this annoying patriot shit?

Looking across the puddle I was pissing in, I saw the word revolutionary spelled out in big letter. Instantly I came to my conclusion.

Our lives and the world we inhabit would be immeasurably better if the American patriots had lost the revolutionary war.

For history teachers and gun owners everywhere, this may be a hard pill to swallow. For the rest of us who hate them, we know deep down that this is true. Can’t imagine the utopia we would live in?

Look to the North! Canada. The land of universal healthcare, inventors of the only sport that allows fighting, and home to all your favorite actors named Ryan (both Reynolds AND Gosling). If you have ever snuck across the northern border like I have (the funny thing is there, they call us snowbacks) you would know how our idyllic, clean, slightly funny accented neighbors are reaping all the benefits of never rebelling against the British crown. If that isn’t enough for you, also think of the forever loyal Australia. It is a scientific fact that Australia has more fuckable people per capita than anywhere else in the world. If you are still denying at this point, you are a hopeless American, clutching onto your flag stitched form the hairs of murdered Native Americans. Oh, and Slavery probably would have ended a decade earlier, but you probably don’t care about that either.

The Medium meets Wednesdays at 7:45PM in room 411B of the Rutgers Student Center. Show up on time or you’ll miss the child sacrifice!

We also meet on Mondays in 117D in the Livingston Student Center.

Come, I swear to God, it’s fun, also if you like to write send in opinions to themedium.opinions@gmail.com And do my friend a favor and send in arts if you like to draw to themedium.arts@gmail.com, he’s a cool guy and could use your help.

Wednesday, September 14th, 2016

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“MONEY SHOT” BY JON GALT

“Everybody looks the same in a gimp mask.”

“ALL LIVES MATTER” BY DANKUM

JOIN THE MEDIUM! IT’S FUN, I SWEAR. FOLLOW US ON INSTA @THEMEDIUMRU MEETINGS MONDAYS 8PM (LIVI STUDENT CENTER 117D) WEDNESDAYS 7:45PM (COLLEGE AVE STUDENT CENTER 411B) DICK OF THE WEEK: “FUCK PEPSI”

BY GOLDILOCKS

ARTS

“NOT ANYMORANGE” BY SAWYER

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PERSONALS

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“The color blue is overated. Green is much better.”

RU Screw, Get Used To It. Screw you Rutgers for having us swipe IDs at the gym. Now I’m 30% less likely to donate.

I’m in a three hour class and either the clock just broke, or I’m in purgatory.

(Let me get this straight.

You’re telling me that bringing Rutgers Newark and Camden to our graduation, constant tuition hikes and the removal of the dining hall trays didn’t convince you to never donate a cent to this university?

You’re a pussy.)

(There are a couple of ways to test that. Is the clock on your phone working? Have you died recently? If the awnsers to either of them are “no”, you’re fine. Or at least as fine as you can be in a three hour class.)

Rutgers keeps calling me to donate, but I have better things to spend my money on. Like rent. And food. And hundreds of spaghetti strainers.

(Treat them like you would for any telemarketers. Speak to them as though you were operating a phone sex line. Nothing will get those assholes to leave you alone quicker than immodest orgasms.)

Wednesday September 14th, 2016

I graduated last semester, and as soon as I’m gone, Rutgers fucking makes their first apartments that don’t suck. After I had to endure dorms with no air conditioners and apartment without single rooms.

(Consider yourself lucky. That giant outside TV thing never turns off. Have you ever wanted to have sex with infomercials in the background?)

Thing that creeps me out this week: Mailmen.

They know where you live.

They have access to your mail.

They know your name.

Mailmen cannot be trusted.

Hostility and Games I hear this year, the dance marathon’s raising money for the reanimation process of Saddam Hussein.

(That explains a lot. They essentially have one event a year but have meetings throughout.

They’ve got to be doing something. Let’s hope they use him to fight Kony, I think he’s still alive.)

Oh gee. I know I shouldn’t, but when I see a big ol’ candy bar, sometimes I just can’t stop myself from eating the whole darn thing!

Send in a personal or two! I don’t judge.

Well, That’s a lie, but I won’t censor you.

Doing so would be a surpression of ideas and such. Or maybe I just want to feel as though my page isn’t a joke. Either way, send me whatever’s on your mind!

Watch Your Health

Why are you all so awkward?

I almost got hit by a car, so happy fucking Monday.

Is there any way to discretely sniff your armpits in public?

Why don’t pokemon like my balls? I show them my balls, and they usually react by vanishing in a puff of smoke like a goddamn ninja. Throwing fruit at them doesn’t help.

(Congrats on not dying! My advice is to ignore any epiphanies you might have experienced as a result of your near death experience. Especially if it involves romance.)

I have this rash on my elbow.

Should I be worried?

(There are multiple ways.

You could distract them by screeching like a pterodactly or directing the attention of the other people to something else, like a brick wall. You could also surgically move your arms to the side of your head so that your nose would be close enough for you to sniff inconspicuously.)

I miss when everyone and their mother still played Pokemon Go. (I could point out I still see too many people walking around hunting imaginary monsters, but your inability to grasp the basic concept of a fad is more pressing to me. Anything that achieves great popularity inevitably falls of quickly. Remember Temple Run? Candy Crush? Thursday Night Orgies? Same concept.)

I’m pissed because there’s an Onix that’s lurking around the Yard/Scott Hall area. A rock snake that big shouldn’t be illuding me this long.

WEDNESDAYS 7:45 PM RSC ROOM 411B

Have you ever wanted to express your thoughts anonymously using location based phone apps only to be quickly censored? Want your thoughts to actually stick?

(Considering your shameless use of the word ‘darn’, it’s safe to assume that your middle school/high school peers haven’t conditioned you into useing less appropriate language. Ergo, I’ll be nice.

Try to refrain from eating too much candy. Or your limbs will fall off. And then they will blow up.)

(If food doesn’t work, try throwing rocks at them. Nothing makes you more likable than pointless violence!)

CAN YOU WRITE? ARE YOU FUNNY? IF YOU ANSWERED NO TO EITHER, COME TO OUR MEETINGS! YOU’LL FIT RIGHT IN.

themedium.personals@gmail.com

(Stop with the fucking Pokemon already. Dont you geeks have anything better to do?

Like hunting actual animals?

Or freshmen that don’t wait for people to leave the bus before getting on?)

Fuck Landen.

(The hell is a Landen? Is it something you eat? Is it something liberals will cry oppression at?)

(What makes you think I would know that? Find a hobo, they spawn in cities like New Brunswick. They don’t have much access to medical care, so they should know a lot regarding rashes.)

So my roommate is cool and all, but how am I supossed to play with myself? He could come in at any time and I don’t want to burn that image into his cornea. Or brain. Whichever holds long term memory.

I could stop, but I don’t want to get prostate cancer. Help me! ( Memorize his schedule. Determine when he comes back.

Then time yourself so he walks in right as you climax. Humans are wired to spread their genetic material to assert dominance. Like cats and urine. If you don’t do this quickly, your roomate will make you regret it. You claim he’s cool, but there’s no such thing as a cool roomate. You’re better off for learning this now.)

I know I shouldn’t have, but I was looking forward to Brower sushi and was quickly dissappointed.

(I’m pretty sure Brower is literally poison. As in, the toxicity rival that of New Jersey itself. Avoid if you value your health.)

I’m a freshman and I’ve been here a week, and I still haven’t gotten laid. What can I do?

(First off, stop hanging out by yourself in a corner. You look like you’re scoping out targets to mug. Second, stop using lame pick up lines, it’s cheesy at best. You need to look good, but also mysterious. I own a sombrero that works for me.

Overalls are hot too, nobody wears them, so you’ll attract attention. I haven’t tried it myself, but the logic checks out.)

I’ve got a big dick, and I’m no longer ashamed to admit it.

(That’s good to hear, because you should focus your shame on how you desperately fish for compliments like an emotionally stunted teenager.)

Not having AC in my dorm just gives me an excuse to not have to put on clothes.

(Do it. Set an example. America is way too prudish and we need to grow up. It was like 95 degrees a day or 12 ago. Who wants to be fully clothed in weather like that?

It’s like walking around wearing shorts in below freezing weather. I assume people due that due to social obligations as well. It’s trivial and moronic.)

PAGE A7

Wednesday September 14th 2016

“It’s 8 in gematria if you want to look deeper into that.”

themedium.a7@gmail.com

DADDY ISSUES Fetishes would do to the new pledges.”

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CRAIGSLIST DEAL OF THE WEEK Have you ever dreamed of owning your very own PT cruiser 2001? how about the entire Rick Astley boxset? Join us for Craigslist Deal of the Week: Value right at your itching fingers!

...continued from News

Joanne Shellman, mother of twins at Rutgers had this For one hundred measly peasant dollars you can finally buy what to say, “It’s nice to understand that what my children google has been doing for the last sixty years! Now you can finally are going through is exactly what I went through at their age, and what my parents and grandparents understand your chinese professor with the thick accent. went through. However if I knew they shared my fetishes earlier, I would not have bought them horse and pony Halloween costumes when they asked, around the age of 14. I also would not have gotten them all the pony paintings, and stuffed animals.”

Not all Rutgers students have been upset or disturbed by the news, some have taken the news in stride.

“It’s not all that bad,” said Kitty Jackson, a School of Arts and Sciences Sophomore, “I just stopped calling him Dad and starting calling him Daddy. It’s been great. Sometimes I purposefully stay out past my curfew just because I know he’ll punish me when I get back.”

Kenji Nakata, a School of Engineering freshman was happy to hear the news, “The first thing my father and I did was go down to the fish market to buy Octopus tentacles. Then we went home to have a little fun with my mom.”

One group that seems to be unaffected by the news are the students who are adopted.

“Thank fucking God, my birth parents are dead and I never knew them,” said Kevin Chen, a School of Arts and Sciences senior.

THIS GUY DOES NOT give a fucking shit

WE HEAR YOUR DUMBASS RANTS

GET YOUR TARGUM REFUND Name:_________________________________________ RUID:_________________________________________ Home Address:_________________________________ School:_________________________________________ Graduation Year:__________________________________ Date of Refund Request:____________________________

It’s YOUR Money, Use it when YOU need it!

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SPORTS

“I only pretend to know what I’m talking about.”

FIERY START MAY END UP IN ASHES

CHRIS ASH BUILDS A WALL AROUND HIGH POINT SOLUTIONS FOR UPCOMING GAME

BY MIKE HAWK PACKING

NEW BRUNSWICK— Our very own Scarlet Knights will be facing New Mexico this Saturday and when asked how he plans to prepare, our very own Chris Ash had this to say.

“When New Mexico sends their players, they’re sending their best. They’re sending kids with a lot of talent, and they’re using that talent against us.

They’re knocking down our passes. They’re fumbling our balls. They’re good athletes. And some, I assume are bad players.”

Ash went on to describe how he plans to build a wall around the stadium to prevent the opposing players from coming in. Instead of practice, all of the players are now required to spend three hours a day contributing to the construction of the wall.

The football team seems to be divided on Ash’s decision to build the wall instead of holding practice. When asked about the wal, an unamed player stated, “I don’t understand all the

Wednesday September 14th 2016

themedium.sports@gmail.com

FASTBALLS

Students tailgating in shady back alley J. R. Smith still won’t put on a shirt

Lebron changes name to Supreme Ruler James controversy. All coach said was that some of the New Mexico players are a lot better than us not all of them. Football has become too politically correct nowadays.”

Other players show heavy disgust in Ash trying to divide the football community.

After a few incidents of the players getting hurt during the construction, Ash took it upon

himself to ask the New Mexico Aggies coach to get his players to finish the wall.

Ash defended his actions, saying, “Look, I love players from New Mexico. They love me. We even have some players from New Mexico on the team.

All I’m saying is that there is something going on. Something big. It’s up to me to do something about it.”

Kyrie Irving upset about 2K17 rating Ryan Lochte claims he was abducted

DON’T TAKE IT TOO FAR

RUSSEL WILSON MAKES STATEMENT, REFUSES TO TIP

BY HOWARD P. PEEPERTON ALWAYS WATCHING

SEATTLE, WA— Following the controvercial acts of protest by 49er Colin Kaepernick, one of Seattle’s top players has followed in a deplorable act of anti-patriotism.

Following a subpar dining experience at a local Applebee’s, quarterback Russell “I H8 America” Wilson chose to spit in the face of the founding fathers by neglecting to give his waitress her mandatory 2% tip.

This blatant disregard for the oldest of American traditions (paying people more money for no reason) shocked the employees of the proud national chain restaurant. The waitress for Wilson that day, 16-yearold Katie Kathreen, recalls the player’s disrespectful actions.

“He just didn’t put anything down for the tip. There was the amount paid and after that just a blank line.” the regional manager for the establishment chimed in “I can’t believe this is what the nation has degraded into.”

In a press conference explaining his actions, Russell

"MONEY WIL-HELD"

Wilson looks dumbfounded as fans angrily protest his stand.

Wilson attempted to swerve the blame to the restaurant staff rather than his blatantly unAmerican ways.

In recollection on the night of the offence Wilson points out the long wait he and his companions had for them to get served as well as the undercooked burger he was given for his meal.

Experts of anti-nationalism

have stated that while these incidents would normally be cause for forgoing a tip, the fact that Wilson was dining at Applebee’s means that level of service was the company standard and thus should not result in the withholding of the tip.

The State department has placed Wilson on a person of

interest list and will continue to monitor his anti-America activates. After being told about this act of protest, Colin Kaepernick told the Medium “Look I stayed seated to take a stand for something, but some guys have to take it too far.” In light of these offenses against this great county, the NFL has begun to hold their players to patriotism standards.

Players in the NFL will now be required to stand during any national song regardless of where they are or what they were doing. Requirements are also set to the enjoyment of country music and hotdogs.

All players are also now required to know at least one active duty soldier from their high school class as well as have one family member who blew off their fingers in a Fourth of July fireworks show.

The NFL states that any and all players that refuse to comply will be traded against their will to the Canadian Football League where they can indulge in their frugal anti-American ways.

Pretending football isn’t a bloodsport SINCE 1970