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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themedium.net
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September 30th, 2009
Volume xl Issue IV
GREEK LIFE
CAMPUS GREEK LIFE CONQUERED BY ROMANS BY MAXIMUS VAGINUS INSERTUS SUPREMUS STAFF WRITER
They came, they saw, they conquered. The longstanding beacon of civilization at Rutgers, the Greek system, has succumbed to the awesome might of the Romans. It took a fierce campaign, but due to their audacity and unwillingness to back down in the heat of combat, the Holy Roman Empire has established itself as the acting rulers and occupiers of the Greek dominion. This sentiment is roughly echoed in all the sweeping reforms that the regime has imposed upon Greek life here at the university. Instead of promoting philanthropy, Greeks are required to “get mad drunk all the time.” Instead of toiling towards the betterment of future leaders, Greeks should “never falter from the seat of debauchery.” Vomitoriums will be mandatory fixtures in every Greek household. The Romans have also begun planning an aquedect to be constructed through frat row to provide the provinces with much needed beer stolen from the countryside. “Things just got a little too, well, intellectual up in this bi***,” commented Pontiac Pilates, Appointed Spokesperson Maximus. “Aristotelian moderation? Fuck that shit; let’s get drunk and take masturbate little boys.” The Greeks have not given up their old way of life lightly. Nick Kelley, an embattled young soldier from the province of Theta Chi, was seen
continued, “ROMANS,” page 2 BREAKING NEWS
THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK
SAS junior Julius Caesar and SEBS sophomore Cleopatra do it like the Romans do
METEOR-BONER-OLOGY
Entire Targum staff fired after placement of lewd advertisement.
Cold Weather Forces Whores to Adapt
BY COMMANDO UNITED STATES STAFF WRITER
BY SOME DUMB JEW STAFF WRITER
In an unprecedented move, the University has chosen to dismiss the entire Targum staff following complaints that a recent full-page advertisement was not in keeping with University moral standards. T h e ad, which “No decent DICKY p r o m o t e d MCCORMICK newspaper Presidente an upcom- Extraodinare promotes ing exotic women/ whorishness” pornography/cheese tasting convention, featured scantily-clad, inviting, underage girls. “I was appalled,” said President Richard McCormick. “No decent newspaper promotes whorishness. Not in my University.” All the ex-writers have submitted applications to The Medium. We doubt they’ll get the job.
As the colder months draw near, voices of anxiety and fear have begun to rise up from the ranks of Rutgers women. “In September it’s like, so easy to just put on a pair of leggings and a tube top, but come October and November it gets really hard to show off my hard tits and ass,” says SEBS sophomore Nicole Greenwood. Greenwood is not alone in her apprehension about the shift in seasons. Hundreds of female students are upset that the changing climate will prevent them from putting on a mini skirt and strutting about New Brunswick in hopes of finding a bed other than their own in which to spend the night. “Traditionally, as the colder weather sweeps into Rutgers, students
are reluctant to admit that it is time to break out the parka and leave the heels in the dorm room,” says Michael Kulikowski, associate meteorologist at the Rutgers Weather Center. “The fact remains, however, that it’s balls-ass cold. Biddies can take off their jackets once they get inside the party. Preferably they can take off a few other things as well. The girls say it’s not that simple. “I have to use my slutty outfits to actually get into parties,” says SAS fresh-
Flauntin’ THE your titties WEATHER can be hard WHORECAST work
Making you crap your pants and like it ESTABLISHED 1970
man Hilary Rosenblum. “No guy is going to think I put out if I’m wearing a parka and scarf!” The sentiment is not lost on the opposite sex. Men all over Rutgers have expressed disdain over the requisite change in apparel. “In the warmer months, it’s pretty easy to scope out the hot girls, wearing the short shorts and skin-tight shirts,” posits SAS junior Jordan Panchal, a member of a local fraternity. “But when the weather gets cold it’s really hard to identify them.” Added Panchal, “There’s nothing more disappointing than geting a girl into my room, pulling off her sweatshirt, and finding a lovely muffin-top flopping out for the whole world to see.” Some girls have taken the initiative to salvage the situation any way they can. SEBS freshman Samantha Mason has it all planned out. “I’m going to keep wearing my little black dress but I’ll just wear Ugg boots and earmuffs so my feet and my ears stay nice and warm. I’ll be super cute!”