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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
Volume XLVI Issue I
50¢
SEPTEMBER 18tH, 2013
IT'S OUR PARTY DO WHAT WE WANT
WELCOME TO CONSTRUCTION AVENUE
STUDENTS EMBRACE UNIVERSITY VISION OF HOLES, FENCES AND TRAFFIC BY CORRIDOR MAN EDITOR-IN-CHEIF
NEW BRUNSWICK -- New semesters are always a good time for a new look, and Rutgers is embodying just that mantra under President Barchi’s four year plan for unlimited dirt and chaos across the College Avenue campus. The new initiative has thus far worked to match the quality of the spirits and livers of university patrons, and students couldn’t be more thrilled. Residents of the Phi Kappa Sigma house are reportedly enjoying their new neighbor, the big red backhoe, and students looking for a good place to cook meth have lauded the addition of two giant house-sized holes along the historic boulevard. In a grand groundbreaking ceremony last Tuesday, new first year students came together to celebrate the surprise construction which will last the duration of their entire undergraduate careers. “I heard about the awe-
Rutgers President Robert Barchi takes the lead at groundbreaking ceremony some grease trucks before I came to Rutgers. It’s a shame they are gone but hey abandoned parking lots and scraggly fences will better prepare us for the real world,” said pathetically optimistic yet grimly accurate fresh-
man John Johnson on the compromise. The reclusive and enigmatic President Barchi made his public appearance wielding a saliva-laden sledge hammer as he rearranged everyone’s favor-
NONE OF YOUR BUISNESS SCHOOL
LIVINGSTON TO SECEDE FROM RUTGERS
BY RANDY BUTTERNUBS NEWS EDITOR
PISCATAWAY, NJ – Secession fever hits home at Rutgers as Livingston announced yesterday that it will dissociate itself with Rutgers University and be once again known as Livingston College. The former campus has sent its declaration of secession to President Barchi who has yet to ratify the document and acknowledge Livingston as a sovereign university. In its announcement, Livingston claimed that it has the amenities to function as a self-sustaining university, citing its luxury apartments, improved dining hall, and newly constructed Starbucks. “We are no longer dependent on College Avenue, Busch and the other campuses in the Rutgers union for our academic, dining,
ite landmarks into rubble. “College Avenue is always the best no matter what it looks like! I support the president and his vision,” said senior Robin Lancer, standing on an LX Continued on Page 2
QUICKIES
Targum Searches for New EIC on Match.com
Doctors Study the Dangers and Possible Benefits of the 'Gunpowder Diet'
residence resources. Our deans have appropriately decided that we no longer need to associate with the other campuses that lack trendy strip malls and first
class housing.” Livingston denied making comments about the Quads and the use of harmful chemicals that line the walls Continued on Page 2
We're Back Bitches! ESTABLISHED 1970
2013-2014 Academic Year Funded Successfully through KickStarter Campaign Grease Truck Relocation Gives Student Excuse for Going to Douglass Freshmen Realize Newspaper They are Holding is Fake