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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themedium.net
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September 16th, 2009
Volume xl Issue II
ROADS AND ROAD THINGS
ROUTE 18 CONSTRUCTION CREWS MAKE MINOR “BOO BOO” Will Have to Begin All Over Again
BY TORGO VAN PELT STAFF WRITER
BREW NUNSWICK—The firm hired to build on the Route 18 Freeway Renovation Project announced that a small mistake has occurred, and as a result, whatever progress that was made will have to be completely destroyed, and work must be started again from scratch. In a press conference on Friday, representatives from the construction company Obsessive, Compulsive, and Anal-Retentive, L.L.C., made the announcement that upon further inspection, the lanes on the newly constructed parts of the freeway were .367 inches shorter than the law requires. “We believe this mistake was made by converting the distances from standard to metric, to standard again, then back to metric, and finally to returning to standard,” said OCAR vice president Alain Compulsive. “Typical Construction Crews would just shrug off this error, but not us. We under-
OH NOES!
Unwitting motorists have no idea the danger they are in
stand this is a very large error in the big picture. Have you ever tried to turn into the passing lane before realizing there is a car in the other lane? If this happened in these smaller lanes, you would have 1/8 of a millisecond
Actual Advertisement - We gettin’ paid for this!
smaller reaction window to prevent an accident.” “Therefore,” stated CFO Suzanne Anal-Retentive, “we have no choice but to stop construction, tear up
continued, “HIGHWAY TO HELL,” page 2
Inside This Issue: Tinsley Social Group Ostracizes Yet Another Student
page 3b Sudan’s National Hope Reserves Running Low
page 4d
McDonalds Introduces New GBLT Burger
page 6a RUPD to Start Mugging Students if Crime Doesn’t Increase
page 7a
An Occasional Public Menace ESTABLISHED 1970
RESIDENT LIFE
RA Still Upset About Having to “Do That” BY JOHNNY CHALLENGER STAFF WRITER
NEW BRUNSWICK—Despite writing up two students for noise infractions, Tinsley Hall’s third floor RA Jennifer Brown still regrets “having to do that.” According to Brown, she was just doing her job and totally would have let it slide if it were not her duty night. Despite these claims of innocence, many residents on the floor still believe that Jen, (the name she told them to call her during the first floor meeting), is a back-stabbing, conniving, two-faced, cold-hearted, scheming, overzealous, and potentially psychotic bitch. “Dude, we were just chilling out having a good time with some girls when we heard a knock at the door. We turned down the music and asked who it is and she was all like ‘Hey! It’s Jen, can I talk with you?’ all nice and cute,” explains written up freshman Robert Quinn. After quickly shutting off the music and talking in hushed tones, the occupants of the room hid their beers behind their legs and furniture because they knew that RA’s cannot see alcohol when it is hidden in that manner. “I nearly puked, I was so scared,” said underage drinker, Geoff Irving. When Jen was finally let into the room, she immediately noticed a few things odd about the scene. She reported that she “saw there was some beer bottle caps on the floor as well as a girl vomiting into a trashcan while holding a half-finished bottle of Captain Morgan.” Jen then asked everyone to leave except for Rob and his roommate Zach. She then proceeded to go over the code of conduct with the two guys and formally wrote them up for the incident. “I just told them that I totally didn’t want to write anybody up and that I still wanted to be seen as a friend that they could come to in case they ever needed anything,” said Jen. “They both said they understood and were perfectly fine with this whole event. I think that they are two very nice guys and I think this is behind us now!” “Fucking bitch,” claims Rob. Zach added, “Yeah. Bitch.”
THE MEDIUM
HA HADASHOT “Just leave me alone with my delicious chili!”
PRODUCT PLUG OF THE WEEK
Flinstones “Push Pop” Subsidiary to Venture in Tampon Industry BY E.C. BLOODN’GUTS STAFF VAG RAG
BEDROCK, PA—Even in an ailing economy, consumers still seek out brands that provide them with more choices. Women across the nation will soon have the choice to stick their Flinstones Push Pop into their mouth or into their pants. Flinstones Push Pop brand tampons are predicted to be a national hygienic sensation—a cooling sensation that feels like passionate sex with a sweet, smooth, sensitive guy, while “Stairway to Heaven” is playing on the bedroom stereo. To many, it was only a matter of time before the Flinstones Company got in touch with its more feminine side. Executives decided to carefully examine their female consumer niche after hearing news that experimentation with the cafeteria favorite had become popular amongst the high school set. Said company spokesman Bar-
TAMPONS!
Yabba-dabbadon’t-bleed-on-me!
ney Rubble “Girls were already pushing our pushup-pops up their pussies, so we thought, ‘why not capitalize on that?’ It’s like we’re reaching up the collective cootch of American teen girls and pulling money out!” “Yabba-Dabba-Do-Me Sherbet” will be available in the female
Wednesday, September 16th, 2009
products section of most grocery stores within the month—not to be confused with the Popsicle brand “Pleasure Rockets” currently in the freezer aisle. Besides being easy and fun to use, the Flinstones tampons reportedly carry the extra benefit of masking up the embarrassingly fowl smell of menstruation with a sweet orange sherbet scent. Additionally, the push pop tampons will be environmentally friendly, gradually dissolving in the user’s vaginal cavity. President Fred Flinstone said of his product, “They [the tampons] won’t contaminate our water supplies; they just leave behind a sherbet residue inside the women’s…you know, ‘bam bam.’” While criticized for being excessively messy, Flinstone is confident such a residue will drive product consumption. “What with the Misses using them and all, I myself am a satisfied ‘consumer,’ (mischievous laughter). Yabba Dabba Dooo!”
“HIGHWAY TO HELL,” continued from front all progress, and begin anew. Who knows what other mistakes are within the highway itself? Besides, I don’t like the Number 18 anyway. Why can’t this highway be renamed Route 20?” Deconstruction will be begin on Friday, and heavy delays are expected throughout the day, and every day following. Early estimates for reconstruction come in at $515 million dollars, with construction to be complete in the year 2020. This comes after several other incidents of construction errors in the New Brunswick area. Rockoff Hall construction delayed opening by two years, after complaints by OCAR that the concrete was setting too quickly, along with extreme overtime claims as workers were made to check if the machinery was turned off a minimum of 1000 times a night. The Rutgers Stadium Renovation also came into initial financial trouble, after OCAR was having trouble finding steel beams that made a perfect C flat sound when struck with a limestone rock. Despite the problems, the University and the State Government is firmly backing this group for construction projects. “Let’s face it, they work hard to make sure they get everything right,” said Governor Jon Corzine. “And besides, this ‘redo’ allows for the creation of many more jobs in these tough times. In fact, the new construction effort will hire 4,000 new people, to check, double check, and triple check every inch and/or millimeter of the highway. If this won’t save my a-, uh, the economy, then nothing will.”
Editorial Staff Fall 2009
F
After discovering the slightly narrower lanes, OCAR did a full inspection of NJ 18 and discovered more errors, justifying the redo. The mistakes: (A) "Freeway Ends" sign not at actual end of freeway. The real end of the freeway is 200 feet north. (B) Built in road reflector not equidistant from other two road reflectors. (C) Grass in Busch interchange not growing as well as grass in the rest of Busch campus. (D) Ramp speed limit sign a foot too far to the left E: Font type on Exit sign less bold compared to other exit signs (F) Instead of being paved with asphalt, the highway's surface is made of molten lava.
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Senior Editor
Colin Fong John Bender Flakey McFlake Paul Winters
News Editors Abe Stanway Kaitie Davis Features Editor Keith Lawrence Opinions Editor Reven MacQueen Arts Editor Katie Russian Personals Editor Dave Imbriaco
THE MORNING AFTER
Freshman Girl Fucks Ugly Guy BY SATANIC YODA PERSONALS EDITOR
NEW BRUNSWICK—Christine Sweet, a freshman, mistakenly fucked one Josh Goldstein last week at an undisclosed frat party. In retrospect, she “absolutely wishes she hadn’t.” Her feelings of regret started shortly after Sweet and Goldstein consumated their drunken infatuation. The awkwardness began the morning after when Sweet woke up in Goldstein’s bed and realized that he was not nearly as attractive as she remembered. It seemed that overnight, he had gained 50 pounds, a really annoying lisp, and a smell that is rivaled only by Indian people. Sweet also noticed shooting pain in her asshole while silently attempting to dress, and promptly snuck out before Goldstein awoke. A later visit to the Hurtado Health Center revealed that Sweet had simply never engaged in anal sex. Dr. Chad Hampton added that she was “lucky Goldstein has such a freakishly small penis…unlike his own large, quivering member.” Sweet’s feelings of regret only continued to grow throughout the week as other freshmen in her dorm learned of her sexual escapades and went out of their way to remind her of them. It hasn’t been easy for her. “Tiny cutouts resembling Goldstein’s [circumsized] penis were slipped under my door,” said Sweet. “People also kept asking me if I wanted to sit down...or if I could. It’s all been really upsetting,” Mike Rotch, a freshman in Sweet’s dorm, told The Medium, “She fucked him!? Wow, what a dumb bitch.” Another freshman, Dick Hertz, said “I thought she was hot until I heard she fucked that Goldstein dude. Now I wouldn’t touch that shit with a 10 foot pole.” One can also hear snickering and under-the-breath whispers of “dirty skank” and “hoebag” whenever Sweet passes people in the hallway. In the meantime, Sweet’s misery has only continued to grow. Documents obtained by The Medium from Hurtado Health Center have confirmed rumors that Sweet did in fact contract Herpes-2 simplex from Goldstein. This tops the “Sweet” Sunday, and is a sore reminder to all drunken broads: keep your legs closed. Personals Editor What’s Shakin’ Editor Online Editor Staff Photographer Faculty Advisor Resident Douche
Carmella Luczak Mike Vuono We need one Tim Swanson Barbara Reed Ass-burger
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium and its authors. The Medium is a satire publication, and should never be taken seriously. The office of the Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to trees, but specifically, puking trees.
Page 2
Wednesday, September Sweet 16h, 2009
THE MEDIUM
FEATURES RIP Patrick Swayze 1952 - 2009
Map of Livingston - The Who-Gives-A-Shit Campus Where they send those crazies...awaiting the arrival of McCormick very soon
iTV studios makes RUTV look like CNN
Visual Arts Center awesome when tripping balls Just when you think you have stuff to on this campus, like working out. You decide to go to the College Ave. gym... they’re much better Two Bro’s eye eachother down the hall, they will rush the same frat together Despite the name, this is really Quad 4 that has been the cause for rumors so many years
These are buildings that you’ll never see during your entire time at Rutgers
Mickey Mouse and Wolverine's Gangbang Spectacular!
The entertainment world is buzzing after a stunning announcement: Disney will be acquiring world famous comic company Marvel for an estimated $4 billion. While it was a well-kept secret during the initial stages, the acquisition finally became public on August 31, during Disney's annual investment conference/drug-crazed, alcohol-soaked orgy. Robert A. “Bob” Iger, president and CEO of The Walt Disney Company, was available to explain the origins of the landmark deal, while tag-teaming a heavy-set prostitute with former president and CEO Michael Eisner. “[sic]You see, me and [Marvel Chief Executive] Ike Perlmutter, we were in the midst of this fucking-epic-bender in Vegas, right? I mean, we were high off of our asses on E, we were fucking everything that moved-it was insane. So, we were on our tenth round of Jaeger shots in the hotel when I got the brilliant idea to buy his company to keep it from going down the shitter.” According to Iger, the deal was finalized when they “bumped fists” while spit-roasting a midget hooker the two had picked up earlier in the evening. Marvel Editor-In-Chief, Joe Quesada, surprised by news of the acquisition, nonetheless maintained a positive outlook. “Hey, as long as it keeps the heroin flowing through my veins, I really don't give a shit” stated Quesada before snorting a line of cocaine off the ass of a 12-year old Filipino boy. Legendary comic creator and former president of Marvel Comics, Stan Lee, could not be reached for comment as he was too busy fucking Jack Kirby's wife. While this acquisition will result in sweeping changes to various aspects of the Marvel universe, Iger assures die-hard fans that they will grow to love his company's systematic rape of their beloved comic franchises. The first major announcement was the fusion of Marvel characters with “beloved” Disney franchises. Fall 2009 will feature a host of new shows coming to The Disney Channel including The Skrull Life with Tony and Norman, iCable, and Cory in the House of M. Disney also unveiled a new Avengers animated series which follows the group of superheroes as they face the trials and tribulations of high school life. Many Disney Channel celebrities, including the Jonas Brothers and Kyle Masey (Cory in the House), are slated to provide voice talent. “I love being able to voice Black Panther.” said Massey. “The fact that he's fat and suffers from chronic nocturnal emissions really helps me connect with the role.”
Perhaps the biggest news coming out of Disney's purchase of Marvel concerns the future of Marvel's lucrative film franchise. Director Kenny Ortega has already signed on to direct the fourth X-Men movie. Entitled Professor Xavier's High School Musical for Gifted Children, the movie will be a prequel starring the entire cast of High School Musical. The role of Cyclops will be played by teen/gay male idol Zac Efron, Vanessa Hudgens will play the role of Jena Grey and Corbin Bleu will be Wolverine. “I've seen that Hugh Jackman movie, like, a thousand times, so I think I'm pretty much a Wolverine expert by this point.” said Bleu. The Spider-Man franchise is also undergoing drastic changes to their production staff after director Sam Raimi was replaced with that guy who directed Race to Witch Mountain. Not everyone is ecstatic over Disney acquiring Marvel Comics, however. Universal Studios set fire to the Marvel-themed Islands of Adventure immediately after Disney's announcement. The ashes were then urinated on by the entire Universal Studios staff and salt was thrown on the ground to
THE MEDIUM
OP/ED Where are you Jamiroquai!?
Racial Relations Post 9/11-KatrinaObama-Michael Jackson-Kanye
by Chubby Reeves
Serena Williams set racial relations back a millennia with her outburst at the US Open Semi-Final match against Kim Clijsters. Her $10500 fine is not enough to cover the absurd actions she made in New York on Saturday night. The entire world was shocked to its core when Serena pulled the curtains off the 800-pound gorilla sitting in the corner. The thing is, she was that gorilla. She’s a giant, black as the night and as tall as the shadow of a skyscraper. Her massive muscles flexed and shined in the sun as she threatened the small, meek, and probably academically-inclined Asian floor judge. One could see the white supremacists’ worst fears made real as the giant Nubian behemoth swung her tennis racket like some manner of African war-club. It’s unfortunate, but in the Obama’s America, the
modern African-American must be more conscious of their actions than ever before. To prove the president was not some manner of fluke (or worst, a Kenyan) they must watch what they do. Violent outbursts of this sort are no longer ac-
ceptable. It draws the mind to recollections of the worst of the riots in Detroit. And that is just sad. The worst part is; this incident is all too relatable. It hits a bit too close to home for a great deal of Americans. It is a common conception that all black people look the same. One could easily imagine their
neighborhood person of African decent in the place of Sabrina, yelling loudly in your face for a foot fault. The thought chills me to my very bones. Don Imus was taken off the air after he made a small, albeit racist, aside. Serena made all Black Americans look like a group of flesh-hungry hooligans, ruffians out for the blood of ‘The Man that done kept them down’. Life will never be the same for my compatriots of Black blood. The saddest thing is that I’ll be labeled as a racist for writing this. C’est la vie. Chubby Reeves is no longer with the paper due to his recently racially-charged outburst and can now be found working at the local Subway... he loves Jared.
...Or You Can Always Fuck Your Way Out. The Solution to Your Academic Problems
by Reverend Holyfuck Staff Writer You’ve already forgot it by now, but originally you did have another reason, other than alcohol poisoning and gonorrhea, for attending this school. You had your whole life in front of you… you had a scholarship, you were going to be an engineer, you were going to graduate in four years, you were going to wait till marriage. And now? You sleep in till 2 in the afternoon; you show up to the last five minutes of lectures just to sign in, you’ve seen every episode of Scrubs; you hump fat chicks because they do the weird shit. And after five years
September 16th, 2009
of mediocre effort and statutory rape, you’re still nursing that English major with a concentration in Creative Writing. Solution? Honestly? You can always fuck your way to a degree. You wouldn’t be the first but you most certainly will be the end… rear end… If you’re not willing to bend over backwards for that letter grade there are a few other options: From a true waste of life to another, here’s a few tips that may help you squeak through Rutgers with an underserved B.A. and debt that your I.Q. will never be able to resolve. First, it’s important to size up your professors. Stay away from late twenties adjunct professors, they’re new, eager and actually proficient. With old
professors you have 50/50 shot; they could either be the easiest teacher you’ll ever have or the sexiest teacher you’ll ever not blow for an A. Who you want to aim for are the professors who are only professors because they’re specialists in the subject, not because they’re qualified to be teachers. They’re awesome because they’re absent minded, easy pushovers and for some odd reason ridicolously fat. Over on the right hand side are some quick tips on cheating that will undoubtable get you caught and expelled. Have fun with that. But seriously, if all else fails... swallow.
The Truth about
SEX
by Paris Halin Staff Writer It has come to my attention that the radical right has been under-represented in the sexual times in which we live. I, Paris Halin am here to dispel rumors about all things ‘sex’. I refuse to allow the left to continually influence the minds of young people…ruining them for life. I cannot over estimate the importance of obtaining proper information…and I intend to give it. Firstly, conventional birth control is a lie. It does not prevent pregnancy; it causes the pituitary gland in your brain to become enlarged. Young people on ‘the pill’ are 37 times more likely to engage in sexual relations outside of marriage! I know that statistic may be horrifying, but I have a solution; a form of birth control that costs only pennies a day: take one aspirin and place it between your knees;
squeeze firmly. Secondly, masturbation will lead to death. Traditional media will tell you that you should know your body, and that self pleasure can be a learning experience for future encounters: they are wrong. You will die, and when you die you will not pass go, you will not collect 100 orgasms, you will go directly to hell. Some of you may have engaged in this activity already, are wondering why you are not dead. Every person has a certain pre-determined number of screw-ups before God knocks you off. No-one knows how many…so its better not to risk it. Plus with every orgasm you achieve you are 67% more likely to have your ‘purple headed soldier’ or ‘bajingo’ spontaneously combust! Be warned. Thirdly, I am here to answer all of your questions! Please submit your problems, concerns, or comments to your opinions editor and I will include it in the next installment. Next column we will learn how to perfect the accepted, conservative ‘O’ face (participants MUST be
HOW TO CHEAT YOURSELF OUT OF AN EDUCATION -Send blank documents with a .pdf This only works if you have a professor who has no skills with computers but insists on using Sakai. A good rule of thumb is if they can’t get the projector to work on the first day of class. -Fake an injury early in the semester, it makes it a realistic excuse come finals week. Tell the professor early in the semester about a pre-existing injury/illness that may prevent you from coming to class on time or at all. This trick requires commitment and it should be advised that only true slackers should attempt this. -Show up early and write the answers to the test on your desk. Even if it’s obvious- as long as it’s in a lecture hall the professors won’t give a shit. -Get to the classroom early and post that the class has been cancelled. Half the class will leave and you won’t be at fault for not attending either.
ARTS
Wednesday, September 9th, 2009
“BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!”
THE MEDIUM
Fun with Furries!
The world has been enlightened by the creation of the “Furry Convention” in which those individuals with fetishes for large stuffed animals can participate in an orgy where everyone is dressed like one! This is an educated guess as to which types of individuals might show up to such conventions.
Rawr!!!
The Swine Flu Cheer
Facebook Picture of the Week Returns!
(When, oh when will people ever learn to untag these?)
(A contribution from our old pal Timmy) Swine Flu Rah Rah! Swine Flu Rah Rah! Hoo Rah Hoo Rah, Swine Flu Rah! Bloodstream! Vaccine! Vaccine! Bloodstream! Rah! Rah! Swine Flu Rah!
Got submissions? Send ‘em to arts@themedium.net
Got any embarrassing pictures of friends? Enemies? Submit!
THE MEDIUM
To the girl I met and fucked last week and asked me right before I put it in, “Wait, will you still like me tomorow?”: Are you serious? bahahahhaha... NO I wont.
To the guidette wanna be hottie constantly on my fb feed: 1. you’re fat 2. stop taking the same picture of you and your pouting lips with the peace sign from the angle that you think makes you look good. it doesnt. 3. stop updating your fb status. everytime u do, you seem like more and more of a slut! what if ur mother had facebook? To the girl in my Spanish class.. I dont know if you’re mad that theres only 4 penises in that class with 30 students, but would you wipe that miserable puss off ur face and smile? (I know what you’re thinking....yeah, this guy kind of does sound like a douche.) To the homophobic boy on the F bus Friday afternoon who is concerned about looking "gay" in a leotard in his modern dance class... YOU ARE GAY! you are in a modern dance class. And I think you'd look hot in a leotard. ;-) To the army dude who took the bus from the SAC to the College Ave Student Center around the block: You’re gonna make a fine soldier, especially since you can’t walk 1/8th of a mile in the rain. Oh that tricky path by Records Hall! Or the gauntlet that is the Brower Commons stairs! If you’re lucky enough to get through that you then have to contend with crossing College Ave.. or as I like to call it (The ELIMINATOR)! So my advice: take that little mat off your back and set up camp for the night. Its just not worth it. (America’s finest ladies and gentlemen! We don’t really have to worry about our national defense thanks to these fine individuals!) To the raging bitch working in the office of Rockoff Hall; You are a CUNT and deserve to be raped on sketchy Morris Street.
PERSONALS
Wednesday, September 16th, 2009
“IT WAS AN HONEST MISSSSTTTTAAAAKKKKKKEEEE! HULK SOOOOO ANGRY!” To the white kid on College Ave with the dreadlocks; Seriously? You’ve had that shit going on since last Fall’s math class. Stop it. Seriously. You’re gross. To the annoying bitch in the front row in my History of Italy’s People class; You look like a retard because your bra straps are always showing, and the way you chew your gum reminds me of a livestock animal in the Po Valley. You’re a bitch and everyone hates you. (Is this the same bobble head girl who someone wrote about last week? Wow. I guess she really is a fucking annoying bitch. Keep it up!!!) To the genius who decided to put FUCKING STAIRS in the student section of the stadium; Go die you sadistic bastard. Dear girl on the EE bus who decided to wear jean shorts of game day; Everyone on that bus could see your cellulite. You’re fucking disgusting. I never noticed how crafty skanks where until last weeks’ football game! Nice job turning the free football jerseys into ho rags. You all looked like prostitutes who got attacked by a lawn mower. To the guy standing in front of us at the football game; Why did you keep touching your male friend? Try to keep your man love a secret. To the girl in front of me at the game; Next time, I’d think twice about wearing those skin tight brown pants. I had to sit there with your ass in my face for 2 hours and people can see right through them. You are the saddest skank at Rutgers. (See? Games are a fucking skank circus!) The other good thing about the Targum besides good toilet paper, is that it smells good, when it’s fresh that is. My advice is switch The Medium to the paper that the Targum uses so I can both read it and smell it at the same time. (See Targum? Everyone hates you! Not just us!)
To the older guy in the Werblin locker room; Dude, did it ever cross your fucked up mind that you can’t walk around butt naked all over the locker room? No offense, but nobody wants to see your two inch pecker and your untidy pubes. Next time cover yourself, you fucking moron, or I will cut your manhood off! (Well being that this old creeper has a teeny tiny manhood, I think you should do us all a favor and chop it off. I think he’ll thank you for it when you do...) To that girl on the EE bus the other day; Are you dumb or what? Why are you making tapping sounds on your phone? Even your friend was annoyed by this senseless tapping and asked you to stop. Next time if I see you doing this, I will break your phone inhalf and stick the pieces in your two holes. To the two girls at the RU bookstore who were buying a day planner on the first day of school. Why were you saying “It’s soooo cuuuute?” How could a planner be “cute”? It’s not like it’s a kitten, puppy, bunny, etc or anything. Sheesh! (Sheesh? Did you seriously just fucking use “Sheesh?” Who uses “Sheesh” anymore?)
To the construction workers outside my window at 9 am; FUCK YOU for waking me with a fucking jack hammer every day! I hope the jack hammer breaks and gets lodged in your eye. To the ass who lives down the hall from me: TURN YOUR GODDAMN MUSIC DOWN! I do not need to listen to your shit. At least listen to your shitty music with the stupid door closed. Seriously. You know who you are, what the fuck did I do to you? Last time I checked crazy bitch, you do whatever the fuck you want without any regard for anyone else. I hope you live alone with cats... millions of cats. So go be all crazy somewhere else and stay the fuck away from me. (Both of these where from the same person. What kind of fucked up dorm do you live in? These fuckers sound like complete douche bags.) To the man/chick I saw running up George Street; What the fuck are you? Male? Female? Transgender or some shit? Whatever you do, don;t eat that Fiber One yogurt...I think I just shat my entire colon out this morning. Well I have to say I never took a shit so big in my entire life. That was kind of fucking cool...
To the small pack of sorority girls who decided at the last minute to hop onto the F bus as one collective entity: Thank you. You gave me some great time to bond with the smelly fat guy standing next to me. It was almost gay how close he was to me. Also, your lovely talk of how smashed and date raped you were going to get later on in the day was loud enough that it managed to break through my headphones. Normallyit isn’t that big a deal for these things but it was kind of EIGHT THIRTY IN THE FUCKING MORNING! Have fun with the rash you will probably get tonight! To the fucking bitch “Orgo Girls” from Woodbury last year; I have no idea where the fuck all of you are, but I hope you all fucking fail and are kicked out. Especially that ugly psoriasis faced bitch with the big ass. No one wants you to be their dietician when you have that nasty ass fungal looking shit on your face. I don’t think there is enough Tazorec cream in the world to make you less fucking disgusting. I bet your boyfriend makes you wear a bag over your head whenever he attempts to fuck you.... (You mean this bitch actually has a boyfriend? Wow. Poor bastard. Shit man...)
Sometimes Apple just needs the stay the fuck out of things...Just let Xhibit do his thing and continue to pimp yo ride.... Page 5
Wednesday, September 16th, 2009 To the asian fagget who lives in my building again from Lippincott last year...NOBODY FUCKING LIKES YOU... NOT EVEN YOUR R O O M M AT E S ! ! ! To everyone on the B at the Busch Campus Center on Wednesday, there was fucking space in the middle of the fucking bus and yet you still crowd that shit like fucking sardines. FU Rutgers for a shitty bus system that fails year after year. (I’m so relieved I only have to take the bus twice a week this semester, and I would like to add a second to fuck the B Bus. Seriously, people who ride that bus are so fucking rude. Move to the fucking middle so I don’t have to smell your Asian/ Indian BO for fuck’s sake.) To everyone who sits around College Ave playing their guitars: FUCK OFF with your homo noise. Learn some songs that aren’t by Green Day and maybe you might get laid (nah). (To the guy with the Mandolin: you’re cool, the above personal does not apply to you. I will start bringing wire cutters around College Ave just in case I need to silence some guitars.) To the kid who looks like an even more retarded version of Drew Carey and your fatass friend who looks like he hasn’t bathed in 2 years that were in line for Brower takeout, nobody fucking cares about how many old commercials from your childhood that you can recite word for word or about your damn world of warcraft games! Obviously the person who decided to make murder illegal never had to stand behind losers like you in line for food. (The person who made murder illegal also obviously never had to try and edit this shit or listen to some of you retards.) To the guy I saw at the computer lab today: I know girls who would kill to have tits as big as yours. Eww, that’s futcking gross......)
PERSONALS
“Sometimes, when it’s dark out, and I’m all alone...”
To the Targum: I couldn’t but notice last week when one of your moron columnists took a not-so-subtle jab at The Medium. Look, if you don’t want people criticizing your work, how about writing stuff that is better to read than wipe your ass with? Also, shitting on students volunteering (read: doing something other than getting hammered)? Wow, you condescending assholes. Publications like yours should have their funding cut. To the ass who lives down the hall from me: TURN YOUR GODDAMN MUSIC DOWN! I do not need to listen to your shit. At least listen to your shitty music with the stupid door closed. Seriously (Ah, that little thing known as common courtesy. You won’t find that pussy shit here, especially in a Freshman dorm.) You know who you are, what the fuck did I do to you? Last time I checked crazy bitch, you do whatever the fuck you want without any regard for anyone else. I hope you live alone with cats... millions of cats. So go be all crazy somewhere else and stay the fuck away from me. dani, FUCK ME...please? (ALL READERS TAKE HEED! If you don’t want to get laid, EVER, do what this jackass just did.) i have a secret to tell: whenever a hot girl walks by i shit my pants
to the hang out: at first i despaired because i wouldn’t be able to get awesome california burgers after you guys fucked me over for the last time, but i despair no longer. ive found that pizza jimmy’s has great burgers for cheaper, so i just thought id let you know that im using the medium to fuck you guys over. paybacks a bitch, isn’t it, you fucks? to that dumb bitch who was quoted in the article in the targum last thursday about obama’s speech: i hope you never use any of the rutgers health services again since they’re paid for by other people, you fucking idiot. i hope you get cancer and can’t afford to treat it, you selfish w h o r e . ok, all of you stupid filthy mexicans, will you for the fucking love of god STOP RIDING YOUR BIKES ON THE SIDE WALK!!! the next one of you that almost hits me gets reported to the immigration authorities and your disgusting ass is getting DEPORTED! To the girl I fucked last week: that was awesome, you suck dick like a fucking pro. we gotta do it again ;-) To my philosophy teacher: way to fail at telling me that we didn’t have class Thursday. To the girl i saw on college ave saturday morning with the funny walk, i bet i know what you did last night, it makes me hard.
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To JB, you seriously have the gayest taste in music ever. i thought i knew better, but i’m starting to think you’re a fudge packer. Fuck Phish, or Fish, or Pffhish. Those stoners pale in comparison to Regina Spektor. Soon children, will the Spektor become the dominant source of sound for the next ever. (Phish: giving stoners a bad name since 1983.) JED, MOVE AWAY FROM THERE I am a Hurrie. A human who is a furry pretending to be a human. We get together and talk about “human” things like texting and sipping coffee. Next meeting is Tuesday at Throop Street in the human city of New B r u n s w i c k . To the guys that live directly above me: WTF ARE YOU DOING UP THERE?!?! It sounds like you’re having rough and raunchy gay sex 24/7!! I could really do without the random noises and constant furniture moving at all fucking hours of the day/night. To the Asian girl at Polish Club: actually this isn’t a rant, just general befuddlement. What the heck? So either there’s some general requirement for every club to have a hot Oriental chick or those rumors about Lech Walesa were actually true. I like to sing-a, about the moon-a and the June-a....*BANG*
A KÖZEPES Artist wanted for sidescrolling 2D video game project. Cartoony-style art preferable. E-mail gamelord@hotmail.com with your name, contact info, and your best cartoony drawing of a pirate holding a sword for more info. Please put ‘video game art’ in the subject line. (You are very brave to try and advertise that here. May I suggest a new email address though? I hope you aren’t 12 anymore.) To the self-absorbed bitch in half of my classes: you’re a fat ugly whale, and no one likes you. Every time you open your mouth I feel like I lose IQ points. I want to kick you in the ovaries in hopes that you never pass on your fugly slut genes. To the bumbling idiot in the front of Ancient Near Eastern Religions: you have to be one of the most retarded people I’ve ever had the misfortune of having to hear in any class in my 4 years here. You even surpass the kid with down syndrome that made my Greek Christianity class so incredibly painful last semester. Please, for the love of all creation, shut the fuck up. We don’t need you making us all lose our precious IQ points. Hey Rutgers, what sound does a whale make? UUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
WHAT’S SHAKIN’ What’s Shaikman?
Wednesday, September 16th, 2009
“I like Honey Nut Cheerios”
What’s Shakin’?
9/15 @ College Ave Campus - Free Pepsi! As part of a promotional event, Pepsi will send a few bros over to Brower and hand out free Pepsi all day. 9/18 @ Busch Campus - Asian Heritage Survival Dinner for Heritage of Asia. Tons of free Asian cuisine, tons of funny shaped eyes. 9/22 @ NYC - Free Kanye Concert! Head over to Central Park for 6:00PM. It’ll be busy, but if you head in early and stand your ground, you should be able to get in no problem. 10/31 @ College Ave - Lots of girls with lower-than-normal selfesteems will dress up as sexy (insert profession here) and eventually bang some brother with herpes that “he didn’t know about.”
Not Shaikman
Troy Aikman goes down not only as one of the best quarterbacks in history, but also as the only man to ever throw a football through the fabric of space-time. Reportedly, the ball ended up in the year 1776, to which George Washington leaped off his little crickety-shit boat or whatever and caught the ball in midair, before landing in the Delaware, and exploding.
What’s Breakin’? (My Heart)
King of the Hill
Dan Marino will go down in history as well, as the swankiest quarterback never to win a ring. As well as his carbohydrate management through Nutrisystem and hilarious cameo in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective. He also has an affinity towards dolphins, the smartest of the sea animals. Marino cannot activate his otherworldly abilities like Aikman can, because he’s kinda a douche. I mean, seriously, look at him. Sipping his cocktail. What the fuck, Marino.
It’s over, man. The best show on the planet is over, with the Finale having aired this past Sunday, and honestly, I cried a little bit. Having aired for over 43 years, King of the Hill holds several records for both Television and Radio, as it was originally a long-time Radio show, hosted by Orson Welles. The most important record, however, is that it was the only show that ever started, and then ended a war. But in all seriousness, King of the Hill was the best show ever made. Giving us northerny fucks a slice of Texan life that we wouldn’t otherwise know existed. Add in hilarious antics of every variety, and a decent amount of banging, and you have the recipe for the best show on the planet, King of the Hill. It’s a sad world we live in, now that Hank is no longer around, but I like to think we all learned something along the way, you know, like the bible and shit.