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RutgersMedium.com
APRIL 8th 2015
Volume XLIX Issue VII 50¢ QUICKIES
IT'S A NERD-O-LUTION
NERD HOUSES READY TO STEP UP IN FRAT ABSENCE No stabbings in New Brunswick Pharmaceutics welcome Bless You season in April
this weekend Area girl jacks off local guys and reaps profits from sperm banks Experts agree that one direction member Zayn Malik leaving is definitely Zayn moving in the right direction
BY PAULIE VALENTINE
NEW BRUNSWICK - Freshman girls became distraught this week upon hearing news that Greek organizations would be banned from hosting parties for
"BUCKLEY AND HIS ROOMMATE PICTURED ABOVE HAVE JUST STOCKED UP ON ALCOHOL FROM HIS PARENTS' HOUSE"
the rest of the semester. In wake own. Prepared for Friday night, of the absence of their debauch- John Buckley, a School of Engiery, local nerds have decided to neering junior, moved to Colstep up and host parties of their Continued on Page A7
Netanynahu announced as a Founding Father for work on separation of power Africa most liked continent on FB
WHAT WOULD KATARA DO?
LINGUISTS DISCOVER PRONUNCIATION OF WATER Bruce Tavarez of the Rutgers Department of Linguistics. “The NEW BRUNSWICK - A team of results were interesting, but not Rutgers linguistics professors, interesting enough to warrant in collaboration with researchcontinuation of the study. So I ers from the University of Towent to go see Furious 7 with ronto, published the results of my son instead. ” a ten-year long study yesterday The researchers found that in the Journal of Sciencey Stuff. the Philadelphia way of proThe subject of the study was on nouncing water was phonologithe mundane yet consistently cally correct. argued about subject of the pro“Frankly, I think every pernunciation of the word “water” son from New Jersey is an idiwithin New Jersey. Researchot,” said Dr. Elizabeth Cruper, ers studied over 560 adults to Professor Emeritus in the Deunderstand their speech habits partment of Linguistics at the during the course of the study. University of Toronto. “I just The study concluded that wasted ten years of my life.” the difference in how to vocalOn campus, students’ opinize the word often comes down ions were mixed on the results to geographic differences. New of the study. Jerseyans closer to New York “That’s some fackin bull,” say “WA-ter” and those closer said sophomore Tony Mernetti. Philadelphia say “wood-ER.” “What are ya gonna tell me next, "WATER IS NOT MUNDANE. WATER IS THE SOURCE OF LIFE." “Every member of our team Photo illustration created by Orly October/ Staff Photographer Continued on Page 2 has differing opinions,” said Dr. BY JUST THE TIP
Living off the gridlines Since 1970