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Volume XLVII Issue X
April 30th, 2014
SOPHOMORE FINALLY RIDES BIKE ON CAMPUS; IT’S AWKWARD
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BY CORRIDOR MAN EDITOR IN CHEIF
BUSCH CAMPUS—Following a pledge to go green by avoiding crowded buses, socially awkward sophomore Ally Wepner finally decided to bust out her bicycle and use the path between Busch and Livingston to get to class. Wepner, who has long dreaded using her bike for fear of loathing stares or falling in public, mounted her Mongoose brand mountain bike last Tuesday during a beautiful 75 degree day. “Gee whiz, it sure is nice out,” said Wepner to her roommate earlier that morning. “I think I might ride my bike to class today for once. I hope nobody gets mad at me when I "SO MANY REGRETS" Ally Wepner looked down in shame and panic as she pedaled away. dart out into traffic and/or hold up an entire bus while I stick my wear a helmet and insisted on felt an overwhelming sense of bike on the front of it,” she con- wearing flip flops while riding paranoia, thinking about evtinued. down a busy commuter street, Continued on Page 2 Wepner, who refused to
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Grapist Escapes from Prison BY BAKING UP TROUBLE MANAGING EDITOR
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—In a recent email to students, Rutgers University Police Department Chief Kenneth B. Cop announced that the “Grapist”, a mass molester who wears nothing but a grape costume, has broken out of his prison cell and is now on the loose. The Grapist, whose real name is still unknown to authorities and the public, was arrested last week after sneaking into a party off of College Avenue and telling women that he is going to “grape them all night long” causing many females to "I REALLY HOPE THAT'S JUST GRAPE JAM" The elusive Grapist escapes jail with police in hot pursuit. The officers leave and decreasing the chancfelt too uncomfortable to make any physical contact. The Grapist is es of hookups for frat brothers. suspected to be hiding out in Livingston Apartments to fill his juices. “I started to feel very uncomfortable when this weirdo standers, the Grapist has also in a grape outfit came up to me the 'juice' out of him.” and said that he wanted me to Along with making many been seen telling puns that retoss his fruit salad,” said Alexis sexual remarks to innocent by- late to grapes. His more famous Caldwell, a first year student at the party. “He kept trying to get me to feel him up and to squeeze SInce 1970
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jokes include telling people that his favorite book is “The Grapes of Wrath” and that he left his family because he was tired of raisin kids. RUPD is still attempting to uncover how the Grapist was able to escape from his jail cell but it is believed that he squirted grape juice into the eyes of a guard and then proceeded to slip through the gates after covering his entire body with grape jelly. These are items that he claims to always carry on him. Chief Cop has mentioned a few precautions in order to keep students safe from the Grapist and any other colorful criminals. “Try to avoid walking in groups that include homosexuals because offenders like the Grapist are attracted to other fruits,” stated Cop. “If worse comes to worse and you are being assaulted, make sure to let out a little wine so others know you are in danger.”