Page 1

Professor of Aquatic REEFER MADNESS Research Pat Klineman

travelled to Australia last month where she and her team studied coral reef preservation tactics. UNIVERSITY, PAGE 3

TAKING THE DUMP: Students in the Industrial Engineering program studied the dynamics of garbage disposal and discovered a way to change the face of how America recycles and handles their trash. METRO, PAGE 4

SLICE OF WIFE: The Shelter for the Protection of Battered Women in Edison held an open house and pizza social to highlight their programs and services. METRO, PAGE 4

Serving the Rutgers Community since 1970. Pissing them off since 1995


Jewish High: Yes, Please Low: when you ate that french fry off the floor




Rare moss Douglass introduces new initiatives discovered in Mandatory chastity pledge has students of the all-female college on edge Rutgers Gardens BY ADAM ROMATOWSKI CONTRIBUTING WRITER

The Rutgers Gardens has made possibly one of the most important scientific discoveries in recent years. The discovery of the Santaneous Bryophyte species has become the main attraction for the Rutgers Gardens, sparking scientific and medical interest in the field of rare mosses. “This is a major discovery, almost impossible to put into words,” said graduate student Arthur Henderson, who made the discovery Monday, while looking at samples of fungus growing in the Bamboo Forest near the stream. “I noticed this blue/green substance growing on some of the rocks; it wasn’t any of the fungi I was studying, so I took some pictures and went to ask my advisor to check it out.” It turns out the substance Henderson noticed was the rare moss nicknamed “The Curly Wonder” for its curly stems that range from different shades of blues and greens. “This has only been seen once or twice in the last 500 years,” said Dr. Henry Montaghue, professor and researcher in the School of Environmental and Biological Sciences, and renowned expert on rare mosses. “This moss only develops when there is an extreme change in temperatures, I predict the snow we had two Mondays ago, followed by the warmer weather, and then a little more rain caused the start of the growing process.” This moss is legendary not only for its rarity, but for the properties it holds. It is predicted that the moss can be used to help heal illnesses to the eyes and ears, helping those who have become blind or lost hearing during their lifetimes. “If we have figSEE MOSS ON PAGE 5

Douglass Residential College students express concern over potential chastity pledge requirement. JOHN



As Douglass Residential College reaches its 100th Anniversary the school created as the first college for women in the state of New Jersey still continues to evolve and create new initiatives to further


ing forward with these new actions,” said Waltshire, an alumni of Douglass. “Through a series of plans, including a new ‘Sexual Integrity Pledge, we will move Douglass into the future The new set of policies, called ‘Our Campus, Our Douglass,” has SEE DOUGLASS ON PAGE 6

U. to Eliminate Funding for ‘The Medium’ Satirical paper will no longer be allowed to publish on campus BY BRIANNA PROVENZANO STAFF WRITER

This particular moss did grow fat on a rolling stone JOHN SHALLMAN, STAFF PHO-

advance and nurture the female leaders of the future. On Tuesday, Douglass administrator Lauren Waltshire announced to members of the DRC community several new initiatives and policies meant to further the progress of the campus. “We are very excited to be mov-

After nearly 43 years of inciting anger and laughter on campus, the Department of Student Life has ruled that ‘The Medium’ will no longer be allocated funds by the University. A weekly satirical publication featuring fake news in the style of

“The Onion”, The Medium has become best known in recent years for the numerous controversies it has spurred throughout all echelons of the University community. Without allocations, the studentrun newspaper will likely be forced to cease publication. Assistant Director of Student Life Ralph Mattia said that the paper’s frequent controversies could have

been a factor that contributed to the decision to eliminate funding. “The interests of student life include protecting the rights of as many students as possible. The fact is, we’ve seen this paper really toe the line in terms of what is acceptable in recent years, and the administration is fed up,” he said. Mattia said that the paper had been issued several warnings to tone SEE THE MEDIUM ON PAGE 5

The Daily Medium

APRIL 3RD, 2013



Saturday, April 6 The Rutgers Rugby Football Club will host Rowan University on the sports club field. A few students will go sit through half the game and then leave. Then a bunch of dudes will try to get into their party that night and hopefully one will get punched in the face. Tuesday, April 9 The Greek system will hold its second candlelit vigil at 7 p.m. on the steps outside Brower Commons to protest the use of Greek letters in courses taught by the Classics Department. No students of Greek ethnicity will be allowed. Thursday, April 18 The committed sluts of Rutgers will celebrate the warmth by finally going out in their booty shorts, skirts, low cut crop tops, and Very Sexy® bras. Some will explore with some different recreational drugs and then show their vaginas to the frat bros that will sleep with them. Happy Birth Control! Friday, April 19 The rest of the university will go out and no one will get into a party because of no dudes allowed. None. 10:1 ratio. Only 30% of girls going out will get laid because the boys will be extra picky… It will be their time of the month.


The Medium is what happens when you put a bunch of awkward people in a room together with pencils. The Medium is a non-profit newspaper, meaning we are strictly anti-profits. We fucking hate them! You may be surprised to learn that we are just like you. We jerkoff with our right hands, and we cry with real tears. When we bleed, our blood is red, and full of Hepatitis. Our publication is written by candle light in an old boxcar that we have converted into a printing press. The typeface is Palatino.


We got none.



Me Medium, me no like real newspapers. Me start new paper for funny joke. Boobs on front page, second page. third page! Penises too, Medium like drawling penises. Okay, enough penises me sick of that. Time for new kind of joke when me use brain to make. Uh oh, Medium offend Jews. Uh oh, Medium offend Koreans. Uh oh, Medium offend Christians. Uh oh, Medium offend sororities. Uh oh, Medium offend Indians...

Whenever we try to do this you guys start biting off our cocks for one reason or another. If you have a comment or qualm with something we’ve published, take a good look in the mirror and tell yourself not to get so god damn butthurt over small meaningless shit.

Wednesday, April 10 There will be a sale on men’s clothing at Macy’s. Everything from underwear to outerwear will be on sale. It is almost spring, so make sure you get a light coat for those fashionably chilly springtime nights. Thursday, April 11 A summit will be held in Edison NJ to decide which pastel pants will be in style for the coming seasons. The families of Kline, Armani, Lauren, Dior, and Jacobs will all be in attendance. Dolce and Versace will not come after last year’s scandal. The Gabbana family’s attendance is TBD. Monday, April 22 The new issue of GQ comes out!

The Medium Wednesdays: Cap and Skull Room Rutgers Student Center 7:30pm

The Daily Medium

APRIL 3RD, 2013


Dance Marathon Team Delivers Yearly Cocaine Shipment to Help Participants Maintain Energy

Tall Hooded Man Too Shy to Ask for Directions



RU Fest Still Cancelled, Sources Say; Pitbull Still Coming, Sources Say


School officials recently confirmed that Rutgersfest, the former yearly festival devoted to showcasing musical artists at the University, is still cancelled. In a bizarre twist, however, representatives of the performer known as Pitbull have confirmed that the artist will be headed to the University that weekend anyway. “How many times I gotta explain this to you? No, Armando will not be performing, no he isn’t getting paid to be there, yes he just wants to stop by and hang out. New Brunswick is his spot,” said the artist’s friend and manager, Tyrone “Tito” Ramirez. Pitbull, whose full name is Armando Perez, was the featured performer at the University’s 2011 festival. Incidentally, that year marked the last of the event’s existence. Despite the rampant violence and debauchery that took place at that year’s event, including three gunshot-related injuries and multiple reports of carjacking, robbery and sexual harassment, Pitbull expressed a deep

appreciation for the storied history of the town of New Brunswick. “So much ratchet pussy in this city man, it’s like I’m swimming in a giant pool full of ho,” the “Culo” crooner was quoted as saying after his performance that year. Sources close to the hip hop artist said that he and his entourage were planning a trip to the University during the same weekend that students were allegedly dubbing “fake” or “underground” Rutgersfest, in the hope of finding like-minded individuals ready to party. “I was like yo man, lets just take a trip up that same weekend in case there’s something about to pop. We could bring our boys and some juice and just make a night out of it, it doesn’t even matter that we don’t go there,” said Manuel “manny” Garcia, the artist’s personal trainer, accountant and chauffeur. The performer and his entourage will reportedly visit many of their favorite New Brunswick hangouts during their visit, including The Golden Rail Pub on Easton Avenue and the lobby of the Days Inn next to the Hooters on Route 18.


After losing his way near College Avenue campus last Friday, a large, African American man allegedly became too bashful to stop and ask for directions. The man, who was in town visiting friends who attend the University, had been relaxing at their Ray street residence when he volunteered to purchase some pizzas for the group. “They offered to pay, but I insisted that it was my treat since they were being such great hosts,” said the tall, dark-skinned man clad in black streetwear. “They gave me directions to Skinny Vinny’s Pizza, but I guess I lost my way in the dark.” The abnormally large, muscular man allegedly pulled on his dark hoodie from American Apparel to shield his head from the cold as he searched for someone to help him find his way home in a strange town. “I saw two girls walking in the opposite direction, but their heads were down and they were

moving pretty fast, so I moved a little faster too,” said the timid black man. “It seemed like the closer I got to them, the quicker they walked. I knew I had to say something but I was very nervous, so I said, ‘Hey come over here,’ but it sort of came out as more of a low growl,” he said. Despite multiple attempts to hail down passerby for directions, the saggy-pants wearing, ample amounts of melatoninproducing individual could not work up the courage to talk to the strangers. “I’m just a shy guy, and besides, everyone looked like they were in a hurry to get somewhere. Wouldn’t want to be rude!” he explained. He went on to describe his fear of the dark and how he often dreads getting lost it in it in every sense of the phrase. The man said that he was eventually assisted by a young woman in a short skirt near the bus stop who he described as, “probably a hooker”.

The Daily Medium

APRIL 3RD, 2013


New Brunswick Polls show inflatable raft with strong lead in to impose RUSA elections prohibitionstyle alcohol restrictions BY SATANIC YODA STAFF WRITER

In an announcement guaranteed to strike sincere sadness into the hearts of many a University student, the City of New Brunswick has announced that many new restrictions involving alcohol and alcohol consumption will be enacted throughout the city, including on the Rutgers campuses. Effective immediately, all liquor stores in the city of New Brunswick will close for business no later than 2PM on weekdays and noon on Saturdays - liquor stores will remain closed on Sundays out of reverence for one particular holy day that everyone in City Hall seemed to agree on. Likewise, all bars must abide by the 2PM closing time. Citing the effectiveness in killing fun and memorable times of shutting down Rutgersfest for several seasons now, Mayor Jim Cahill told the New Brunswick Coalition for Temperance “These new regulations that we enact today are the next step in ensuring that no one will come to our fair city for potentially immoral purposes!” A crowd full of angry old people and churchmen cheered and prayed in response. “There’s nothing at all happy about happy hour when you’re burning in the lake of fire for all eternity!” Reaction around campus could only be described as resigned sadness. “Ever since those fuckers stabbed each other at Rutgersfest, things have never been the same. Now what am I going to do when I have studying to do to avoid doing it?” lamented Senior Wesley Harding. “I don’t get out of work until 6PM, how will I get my craft beer fix? This is HORRIBLE!” shrieked Senior Carmella Herthel. Meanwhile, predatory fraternity brothers were ecstatic for the new prohibition eraresembling laws. “All these desperate people looking for a drink will turn to our speakeasies-I mean, alcohol-free parties” said one Senior fraternity brother, who spoke on the condition that his identity not be revealed. “Thank you, Mr. Cahill, for we will get filthy fucking rich off our new “products” and we can once again molest biddies with impunity, gangsta-style. Prohibition kicks ass!” Other students simply shrugged at the news. “I guess I’ll be smoking a lot more reefer now” said Sophomore Nicolas Thompson. “I’ll just trade one B for another, bongs instead of beer!” said Junior Clara Bartholomew. In related news, the Rutgers University Student Assembly has just published a list of new student organizations that have sprouted up in the wake of the city’s new policy. Some of these include “Scarlet Bootleggers”, “Rum Runners on the Raritan” (RRR), and “Cosa Nostra Rutgers”, all of which will be inviteonly clubs. When Medium reporters sought out the club leaders for comment, Scarlet Bootleggers had no comment, RRR denied that they even existed and Cosa Nostra Rutgers president Donald Corleone indicated that The Medium was asking too many questions and reminded the report of what happens to people when they “ask too many questions.”

Other Candidates Left Without A Paddle BY LIL’ BIT MANAGING EDITOR

Early polls for the 2013 Rutgers University Student Assembly elections show that a third party candidate has taken an unexpected early lead: a large inflatable raft. The raft, which can comfortably seat a family of four, has shown strong favorability among the University public, edging out popular candidates Sharif Ibrahim and Pavel Sokolov. Junior Matthew Gregory said that it was the raft’s proposed policies that really won him over. “This University needs a change in its politics, with student leaders working to achieve goals such as increased transparency and listening to the concerns of the students. On issues like these, the raft really set itself apart,” Gregory said. For other students, personality played a large factor in deciding who to vote for in the upcoming election. “I just felt like the raft had more

charisma than the two other candidates combined…like, a lot more,” said School of Arts and Sciences sophomore Trish Lee. “When it comes to my student government, I don’t want to vote for a candidate who comes off as boring and lame... the inflatable raft really creamed the competition in that category. Raft 2013!” Lee said. Popular pegs in the raft’s platform include keeping tuition low for undocumented students, allocating money to repair student facilities, and a mandate that every other Friday be declared a University-wide Ice Cream Day. In an unprecedented move, University President Robert L. Barchi emphatically threw his support behind the inflatable raft for the upcoming election via his personal Twitter account. “Man I fucking love that raft,” wrote Barchi. Despite increasing demands by students to make a public speech, the raft has consistently declined, since he is in fact a raft and cannot speak.



The popular campus paper got all its money taken away and now they can’t do dick jokes. CONTINUED FROM FRONT

all of which were ignored by holy shit he’s holding a gun to my head, yes I will type what you say. Type what I say, type what I say, yes that’s good, now tell them that we’re still being allocated, that’s right. Long Live free speech what do you think you’re so fucking smart because you write for a real newspaper. yah trick yah. Don’t cry, stop fucking crying and type don’t you guys have any snacks in this officecxgk? LONG LIVE THE MEDIUM!!!


A new mandatory abstinence pledge for the campus is making a bunch of ladies act a fool CONTINUED FROM FRONT

I don’t give no fucks about no ladies making no whoopie! Chicks gotta do what they want, yo! This here is ‘MURICA and y’all can do whatever y’all want and no old ladies can tell you when you can touch your whatnots and your hoozies and your hachachachas. That being said, you may want to check out SAS.


Discovery was “the best thing to happen at Rutgers all week.”

CONTINUED FROM FRONT explained, “If we have figured out how to get high off of it, we could sell it to the natives and then who knows!” Fuck the corporate world!

APRIL 3RD, 2013

The Daily Medium


Bee-Killing Club Here to Protect Students


The outbreak of bees starting on Cook/ Douglass has led to the formation of the bee killing club on campus. “We are here to protect students, that is our main goal,” said founder and president Connor Hamilton. “Do you know how dangerous bees can be? They hurt more people then they help let me tell you.” The outbreak of bees was caused by the new Bee Keeping Club forgetting to close all of their bee hives, the bees getting loose, and uniting with other bees to spread havoc all over campus. The outbreak has spread from Cook/Douglass to all of College Ave and to parts of Busch by the Football Stadium and Golf Course. “No way we are letting them take all of Busch and move their way to Livingston, no this is going to stop right now, our numbers are growing,” shouted Hamilton at the clubs meeting last week. “People need to understand what these bees are doing to the people around campus,” shared Dr. Wilson McDonald, Professor in the Agriculture Department. “Bees spread pollen; do you know how many people are allergic to pollen? It can be very dangerous and cause people’s throats to close, and noses and eyes to become very irritated. And then there are bee stings. There are a great number of people who

are allergic to bee stings. One little sting and they could have to go to the hospital. I don’t know how we went this long without a club like this to protect us.” Reasons such as allergens seem to be the biggest cause for members joining the club, however the bees becoming “evil” is another reason. “I was just walking to class and one of those bastards just stings me. Well I will tell you what; I’m going to get my revenge on them. Do you know how much that hurt? It stung for a couple hours,” complained Senior Brad Feldner. The Bee Keeping club has issued the following statement: “You cannot trace the actions of these bees back to our bees that escaped last week; therefore you cannot hold us responsible.” However, Hamilton and the rest of the Bee Killing Club are not convinced that they are not to blame. “Where do you think the other bees got the idea? The honeybees told the others that they were going to be captured if they didn’t fight back against us.” When asked if they oppose the new Bee Keeping Club on campus, Hamilton explained that, “We do not condone what they are doing, as you can see their careless actions have caused this mess, and for what? For some honey? If they want honey they can do what the rest of us do and go to the store to get some.”

Low Ticket Sales Leads to Change of Content at Rutgers Movie Theaters FOR THE COKE!

of AMC’s hit series Breaking Bad, the Livingston silk screen Rising operating costs comis appealing to fapfans of every bined with low admissions is shape and size. leading Rutgers Cinema to take a Passerby however, were a little different approach – emissions. more skeptical. “It’s weird to see We knew the traditional films a long line where nobody is talkwe were providing would only ing,” said Sophomore Gretchen make us a modest earning, said Taylor on her way to class. cinema owner Dan Snide. “But “It is true that nobody has once we turned to ‘ahem’ “smut,” used a guest swipe,” said owner things really got hot around here Dan Snide. for us.” Students and faculty agree that The once vacant theater lothe rise of the new Rutgers XXX cated on the Livingston campus Cinema has been vital in stopnow routinely has visitors in ping the recent rise of “College lines wrapped around the build- Theatre,” a venue that promotes ing. rampant homosexuality and We never thought students radical, unsafe images. At the would be interested in Voyeurnew Rutgers Cinema, students ism and exposed genitals before,” are coming together to experiSnide went on to say. “But just ence the spectacle – and teslook at these crowds,” he said as ticles- of film. he pointed to a lengthy line of “It’s cool when people dress up male students fighting to hide for the premier of their favortheir erections under their waist- ite films, said Snide. He then bands. gestured to the cinema crowd. Rutgers Cinema promises “As you can see by the throngs of to continue offering affordable students wearing raised hoodies prices and special deals to RU with tissues poking out of the students. “Meal swipe for a wetpocket, they coordinated this. wipe,” is the theater’s latest offer For sure”. to draw patrons into the movies. Students interested in paying Boasting both oldies like “Debbie a visit to the theater are encourDoes Dallas,” and “Deep Throat,” aged to wear proper stick-resisas well as new age films such as tant footwear and please “Breaking Balls,” a BDSM parody BY STUNAMI NEWS EDITOR

The Daily Medium

APRIL 3RD, 2013


Culprit behind dinosaur fossils brought to justice


After misleading paleontologists and the greater scientific community for over a century, the criminal responsible for manufacturing and hiding dinosaur bones around the world is finally behind bars. Barrington Van Busten, the serial prankster who fabricated and buried the dinosaur bones we see today in museums and laboratories, was brought in by FBI officials on Monday. Task Force Head Derek Samson told the press, “this was a long and tricky case, but we finally got him.” Samson and his team captured Van Busten while he was refueling his invisible zeppelin that acted as his base of operations for his devious plots. Samson added, “Our first clue was realizing that the idea of giant lizards on Earth a long time ago sounded really stupid.” Van Busten emphatically

confessed to his crimes. The mastermind told reporters, “I’d do it all again if I had the chance! Dinosaur bones are only the beginning. Maybe I’ll fake an alien life form, you’ll never know!” Van Busten was restrained by bailiffs and yelled out, “This is not the last you have heard of Barrington Van Busten III Eqs. DDS!” while he was escorted out of the room To the shock of the entire scientific community, Van Busten then admitted to forging several other scientific theories. Global warming, natural selection, and even gravity were all just tomfooleries that he had tricked most of humanity into believing. Despite these recent developments, Rutgers Geological Studies Department will continue to teach their Dinosaurs course stating that, “It’s not like anyone learned anything in this class anyway.”



Ruth Bader Ginsberg Asks for Detailed Description of how Gay Sex “Works”


Associate Justice of the Supreme Court Ruth Bader Ginsberg displayed heightened levels of curiosity about the logistics of gay sex during the court’s ongoing DOMA hearings on whether or not same-sex marriage is constitutional. The adorably naiive 80-year-old reportedly turned bright red during the testimony of a lesbian woman claiming that she had as much of a right to kiss her wife as any straight man. “Kiss her on the lips you mean, right?” Ginsberg inquired, before asking the woman if she could please describe that particular action, “…with a little more detail… I think this information is extremely pertinent to our final ruling.” As the proceedings continued, it became increasingly clear that Ginsberg was unaware of the more technical aspects of homosexual intimacy. The justice proceeded to dominate the hearing, asking gay witnesses to clarify

the answers to questions such as, “You put it where?” and “How do you decide who does what?”. “The atmosphere in the courtroom was admittedly a little tense, especially when topics like strap-on dildos started getting thrown around, but I have to admit that the Justice handled it like a champ,” said Chief Justice John Roberts. At one point, a man demonstrated rolling a condom onto a banana as Ginsberg’s eyes widened in sudden understanding. Witness Michael O’Malley described Ginsberg’s obliviousness as one of the strangest things he had ever encountered. “It’s just kind of bizarre when you think about the fact that this woman has presided over the highest court of The United States of America, been on this Earth for nearly 100 years, and can somehow still not understand the most basic description of how gay sex ‘works’,” he said. At press time, an overly-excited Ginsberg was retiring to her chambers for some water.

NBPA celebrates April Fool’s Day with hilarious ‘alternate side parking’ gag BY SUM DUM JOO EDITOR IN CHIEF

While the New Brunswick Parking Authority may not always be the most fun thing associated with New Brunswick, the folks who work there are always able to have a little fun. This Monday, April 1, 2013, or ‘April Fools Day,’ was celebrated by the group with a silly prank that left most of New Brunswick laughing. “The idea was to implement this odd ‘Alternate Side Parking’ event that would confuse everyone in town,” said Walter Mathers, an administrator with the NBPA. “We gave out little ‘parking tickets’ to those who violated the ‘rules’ of parking on the wrong side of the street. It was quite a lark.” Alternate Side Parking is an outdated parking management technique where drivers used to be penalized for parking on the wrong side of the street on marked days. The prank was the most involved the

parking administration has ever taken up. “We posted real looking aluminum signs on all the streets in New Brunswick,” said Mathers, his cheeks rosy with laughter. Many citizens were entertained by the prank. “It was great,” said Susan Greenwich, a Ward Five resident. “I mean, I knew it was a joke, but it was still funny. How could they possibly get all the cars in New Brunswick to park on exactly half the amount of space? It was really inventive.” “The idea was so illogical,” continued Mathers. “I mean, why should everyone have to move their cars so a half-working street sweeper could drive through town in a nonsensical half-assed manner? I couldn’t imagine actually enforcing this rule. Everyone would get so mad.” The NBPA is so happy with the success of the prank that the plan to extend it through the week, and if momentum builds, they may ask everyone in New Brunswick to play along until October 31st.

The Daily Medium


APRIL 3rd, 2013



Have you ever committed an act of beastiality? “Does putting peanut butter on my dick and letting my dog lick it off count?” Gary Wilburn School of Arts and Sciences Junior


Sara Morris SAS Junior

“Well, my ex was a bitch...”

Jon Kijne

SMLR Sophomore

“All the girls I fuck turn into animals when I have at them.”

By the numbers:

5: 0:

number of people you know who have had sex with animals and plan to continue until caught people you know who have gotten caught having sex with animals

Walter Togg RBS Junior

“That’s fucked up! Who does that?”

Armando Alvarez SAS Senior

“One time in Tiajuana...”

Fast Facts: The most popular animal to have sex with at Rutgers University is the goat. The least popular animal to have sex with at Rutgers University is the mouse, due to the percieved logistical problems.

Next Week’s Question:

How does it feel to know that your liberal arts degree is basically useless?

OPINIONS The Daily Medium


APRIL 3RD, 2013

THE DAILY MEDIUM “Pissing off the Rutgers Community since 1970”

145th EDITORIAL BOARD Rutgers Student Center, Room 439 @RutgersMedium































BUSINESS DEPARTMENT Rutgers Student Center, Room 439 @RutgersMedium


















When you’re never wrong, you never have to apologize The discussion on saying sorry continues

Wouldn’t it be nice to never make mis- ing “safe” stories over “real” ones. No one is ever takes? If you never made mistakes, then you’d going to ask us to apologize for covering a guest never be wrong. And when you’re never wrong, lecturer or a debate club meeting, so we do that as you never have to waste precious seconds doing much as possible. When it comes to hard stories useless, time-consuming things like “recanting that involve research, investigation, or dragging statements” and “asking forgiveness from people someone’s name through the mud, don’t look at you’ve offended”. Not making mistakes sounds us; that’s not how perfect works. When we do use “words”, we make sure pretty preferable to the alternative, and that’s why the solution that this, the that they are nice and bland. A bunch of bland 145th editorial board of “Taking creative risks can words that make up a rethe Targum, proposes is simple: be perfect. sometimes lead to failure, so ally bland story can only mean one thing: fewer It makes sense in it’s best never to take any at theory, doesn’t it? This people offended. all.” Here at the Targum, paper prides itself on consistently deliverthere are a few golden rules we do our best to ing straight facts, and our readers take pride in knowing that. We’ve follow: It’s stupid to offend a small number of learned over the years that when you play it safe, people in the interest of making a large number you never offend anyone, so that’s what we do. of people laugh. Pushing the envelope is danger“Words”, we’ve discovered, present more chanc- ous. Taking creative risks can sometimes lead to es for mistakes, so our theory on those is less is failure, so it’s best never to take any at all. And more. We slap a giant picture on the front page, above all else, if you are ever humble enough to and that takes up a lot of space that would have realize you’ve made a mistake, never, under any normally been used for weather forecasts or, circumstances apologize for it. Standing by your mistakes is what makes you great; never admitmore rarely, news stories. When we do write news, we like to keep it as ting that you’ve made a mistake makes you The innocuous as possible, even if that means choos- Daily Targum. The Daily Medium’s editorials represent the views of the minority of the 145th editorial Board. Columns, cartoons, and comedy reflect the views of the Medium Publishing Company because why the hell would be post stuff we don’t agree with.

Are you a loser who still owns a flip phone?


The Daily Medium

APRIL 3RD, 2013


I am so sorry that my son has been writing these things PHILOSOPHIES OF A PARTICULAR AMERICAN’S MOTHER EDWINA REEP

As a mother of a university student, I am often proud of the emails my children send me highlighting their achievements. Well, ever since my son Eddie has taken up as a writer, I have gotten pictures and weblinks to all of his material. When I first dropped my son off at Rutgers, clad in his bright polo shirt, suspenders and his beautiful ‘Groucho Marx’ moustache, I knew he was destined to make a big impact on campus. He was so excited that he called me right after he accepted his position at the Daily Targum and I couldn’t have been prouder of him. Then, when I actually began to read his work every other week, my heart started to sink a little bit. It started with some smart columns that were actually supported by his strong religious upbringing. Columns like ‘No Murder Occurs in Abortion’ and ‘Religious Beliefs Impact Society’ were supported by

strong arguments combining modern rhetoric with biblical teachings. Then, everything went downhill. It started off simple enough, with odd columns like ‘New Brunswick Needs Better Bagels,’ but at the start of the 2012-2013 school year, his first column was titled ‘University Needs Chik-Fil-A.’ He wrote it as the bad press about the eatery had reached a zenith, but his argument boiled down to: ‘I have no problem with gay marriage, but have you ever had their chicken biscut?’ I know I’m his mother and everything, but what the fuck, Ed? After that, the material I got from him was a collection of babbling nonsense. He wrote a column called ‘Animals Have No Rights,’ where he actually wrote, and I am quoting this with no edits or changes: “They have some kind of programming that humans lack, some kind of programming that dominates them and makes them into robots.” Yes, my son, who proudly proclaims at the end of each column that he is a Supply Chain and Marketing Science major also believes that animals are somehow robots. And let’s not forget ‘Abol-

ish American Democracy’ where he staunchly proclaimed that ‘we should abolish America’s democratic government and install a limited monarchy.’ WHO THINKS LIKE THAT!?! How did someone who I gave birth to and raised become able to completely ignore any span of rational thought and still have enough sense to write it down? But then there was the king of all the babble: a piece written on February 18th, 2013 entitled ‘Creationism has Merit.’ Now, before I go on, I must say that even though I am his mother, I don’t really have a strong opinion on Ed’s religious beliefs. He is an adult and is completely allowed to offer an argument supporting his ideals. But this genius fruit of my loins wasted an opportunity to set up a well-constructed argument doting back to his religious upbringing by instead saying something akin to ‘I believe in God. The Bible states that God created everything. Therefore, if I believe in God, he created everything.’ Really, if I had the space I would take this opportunity to publish the entire article verbatim because putting in one or two quotes

doesn’t do it justice. I am very happy that my son was selected by the Targum to write for them, but did the editors even read these things before they were published? To have this kind of material, with no cohesive arguments, extreme titles that do not offer a true understanding of what is actually being written, and an aloofness that makes Ed’s writing voice seem too pompous that one would think a balloon full of hot air had written it is a disservice to the students who read the paper every day. Why not put more material that reflects the views of more students? Why not have your columnists spend more time researching their material before throwing it out into the world for a barrage of college students to peruse as they eat their food? Or, can you at least put in more Laurels and Darts? That is actually my favorite segment on the opinions page. (Sorry, Ed.) Edwina Reep is the mother of a Daily Targum columnist. She makes a mean noodle kugel and is well known around the Fair Lawn, New Jersey bridge and bingo circuits.

Fighting stereotypes: the life of Chase Brush FROM THE EDITOR’S DESK CHASE BRUSH

In my time since taking over as editor-in-chief of the Daily Targum, certain misconceptions have come to my attention that I feel I need to clear up. Even though most people imagine me in a white greasestained t-shirt with a pack of cigarettes tucked into the sleeve and a wrench in the back pocket of my slightly torn jeans, I would like to let everybody know that I only spend maybe 20 percent of my time wipYOUR VOICE The Daily Medium welcomes submissions from all readers. Due to space limitations, letters to the editor must not exceed 400 words. Then again, it does not matter what you submit because we are just going to publish whatever we want to publish. All authors must include name, phone number, class year, race, social security number, and sexual orientation to be considered for publication. Anonymous letters will not be considered but if you submit it we will find you and we will kill you. Please submit via email to

ing sweat off my brow while tuning up the engine of a ‘66 Pontiac GTO that I restored myself. The rest of my time, I am just doing normal things like studying and being the editorin-chief of this publication. I’m not going to lie and say that you’ll never find me leaning on a jukebox with a leather jacket draped over my shoulder, or that I don’t know the exact right place to hit the jukebox to make it play an Elvis record without putting in a nickel. I do those things from time to time. But, the fact that people assume that this image is what defines me as a person frankly puts a lot of pressure on me. I can’t always be that guy. Sometimes you’ll just find me chilling in the Targum office, not

replacing the carburetor on my vintage Harley. I mean, I’ll replace it if it needs replacing, but it’s not something I’m doing all the time. And the fact that I keep my vintage Harley in the EIC’s office in the Targum headquarters really says nothing about my personality. I simply find that it’s safer if I keep it there, and it also provides a more efficient way to leave the office when I’m done doing the paper for the night. People often point out that my name, Chase Brush, is so stereo typically rugged that it’s almost more James Dean than James Dean. However, it’s just a name. It really shouldn’t have any impact on how I’m perceived as a person, and I resent that most people will

just jump to the conclusion that I’m some hunky rebel-without-a-cause as soon as I introduce myself. All in all, I’m not Ponyboy, or John Travolta in Grease, or Fonzie from Happy Days. I’m really just a normal guy. Hopefully people can begin to understand that and not try to invite me to any more rumbles or sock hops at soda parlors. Chase Brush is a School of Arts and Sciences junior majoring in economics and philosophy. He is the editor-in-chief of the Daily Targum. Chase seriously took a year off from school to go on a cross-country road trip with his buddies in an old beat up car. I can’t think of anything that is so soaked in Americana.

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The Daily Medium

Page 10


Horoscopes/Pokemon Leaf Green

Today’s Birthday (4/3/13). You suck. Noone loves you. You are a a degenerate and will become a meth addict. Drop out of school because you are just gonna waste all the money. You might as well waste all that money on meth instead. Aries - Everyone loves you, and you’re a really cool person. You are living the life of a king, and you will become extremely successful and rich. You sleep with scores of attractive women (or men), but one of them will give you syphilis. Taurus- You will soon make a life changing decision. It will be between two choices, one of them is becoming a prostitute, that one will have a better outcome. Gemini- You are one sexy person. Everyone that looks at you instantly wants to have sex with you. Be careful with whom you have sex though, because one of those people has syphilis. Choose wisely young one. Cancer- Do not leave your house today. If you do, it will be one of the worst days of your life. You will spill scalding coffee on your lap, you will get robbed, and you will contract a venereal disease from a staircase railing. Leo- Your next boyfriend or girlfriend will beat you constantly. Do yourself a favor and dump them as soon as your relationship starts. Also, the five second rule will not apply next time you drop your food. If you eat the food you next drop, you will get food poisoning. Virgo- If you are still a virgin, then please go get laid. For fuck’s sake you must be at least 18! How have you gone that long without getting laid? Go pay for a prostitute or something because desperate times call for desperate measures.

Libra- You will have sex with an animal this week. This will be a very dark time in your life, but you will make it through. Do not fear, because there are brighter days ahead, like when the new season of Futurama starts up again. Scorpio- You will soon make a discovery that will change the world as we know it, but will have your fame stolen by your best friend. He will make billions of dollars and you will not even be able to pay rent, so you will end up moving back into your parents’ basement. Sagittarius- You will steal something from your best friend soon. It will make you richer than you could possibly imagine. You will live in infamy, but the guilt of your betrayal to your friend will lead you to committing suicide, rather than simply making amends and giving him a bunch of money. Capricorn- Go fuck yourself because fuck you. Aquarius- There is nothing that will ever go wrong in your life. You are the definition of sexiness and coolness. You are the envy of everyone and you have the greatest friends in the world. Nothing will ever bring you down. Do whatever you want because you can. Pisces- You will spend your life envying others and will lead a lonely life. You will buy cats to make you feel better, but they will run away.


Maryjane Worth

Pearl Necklace Before Swine



APRIL 3RD, 2013

APRIL 3RD, 2013

The Daily Medium


Beetle Gayly

Hagar the Fucking Worst


Sierpinski’s Sudoku Wizard of Drunk

Jon Gregory - local crackhead

James Gandolfini - Tony Soprano Joanna Angel - Pornstar ACROSS 3 I love faggots 8 The Goonies + LMFAO 11 Adventure Time, Jake the Dog 12 4 letters of the alphabet, there are 26^4 options 13 A man in a hallway DOWN 1 Lil Gir' 2 Gotta catch 'em all 4 When Russia's Greatest Leader is your bro 5 Some Dumb Jew 6 A Salad a day keeps the Dr. away 7 Cotton Gin 9 Quit jumping on them and kicking them 10 Evil Green Man

Superman - Protector of all that is good Robert Harrison Homicidal Maniac Ray Rice - Badass

The Daily Medium

PAGE 12 How to write a Personal: 1. Forget to take your medication. 2.Get angry at everyone for whatever reason. The more irrational the better. 3. Hastily write out your complaint in an email and send it to 4.Do not check your personal for grammatical errors. 5. Look for your personal in next week’s issue. 6. Visit your therapist. Seriously.




Announcements • Statements of the Obvious • Shit no one wants to know

Rates: Real Advertisement:

Busch Residence Life celebrating Diversity on Campus Day on April 14th from 5pm to 11pm. Honoring the achievement of diversity between Chinese and Korean students. “Seriously people, we look nothing alike.” No Japanese though. You stay out.

LOST/FOUND Lost: pet Ebola virus. Last seen at serving station in Brower Commons. Description: chills, fever, fatigue, vomiting, and diarrhea. If found, please return to Rutgers Health Services.

Found: human foot. Discovered after Knight Wagon purchase of a smoked turkey leg. If the foot belongs to you, I’m sorry that I cannot return it to you. I was hungry. Lost: The Game

Shit You Need Done • Shit You Want to Do • People You Want to Do • What I Do?


/8 Page $45.00


/4 Page $75.00

Somewhere to Live • Somewhere to Be • Somewhere to Go • To Call Your Home


Items for Sale Items for Gift Items for Theft

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Full Page



Joke of the Week: Last time the joke was, “What caused the airline to go bankrupt?” The punchline was “runway inflation.” WHY DID NOBODY SEND IN THEIR GUESS? This week’s joke is “How do you know if it’s raining cats and dogs?” Send in your guess of the punchline to And send in a personal while you’re at it. Lost: virginity. Last seen in the ZBT house.


APRIL 3RD, 2013

Most likely to be found wrapped in beer-smelling bedsheets soaked in tears of regret and a little bit of blood. Please return to Quad 2 on Livingston Campus. Found: The Daily Medium’s Features Editor. Found him covered in bits of cotton and drawing schematics on used McDonald’s napkins. I’ll pay the Medium or anyone to take him; he keeps eating my food. Also, I’m pretty sure there’s human remains in his book bag.

PEOPLE Looking for an Xbox Live friend to co-op Halo and Dead Space with on the weekends. Gamerscore must be high but not higher than mine. I prefer someone who won’t judge me for playing Viva Piñata. Could someone else join Zoosk? I’m getting lonely.

Looking for a chill bro willing to do a double dutch rotor with me. A double dutch rotor is where two guys hold their dick with one hand, hold the other guys dick-holding arm with their off hand and then rotate their arm in a circular motion so you can jack them off. Don’t worry it’s not gay or anything. You’re not actually touching the other dude’s dick! If interested, call Lester the Molester at (406) 555-9565 Looking for a bare face who would appreciate the company of a loyal and dependable beard.

2. If you want your ad out of the paper, we’ll leave it in there just to spite you. How you like that asshole? Honestly, The Daily Medium doesn’t really care if you put any errors in your ad. We think it’s funny. Don’t like it? Talk to Krupa. Maybe she’ll give half a shit. FYI, we have no idea who sends us these ads. It could be your dentist, it could be your drug dealer, I don’t fucking know. Better call the cops just in case.


ESCORTS The services of a mini-husky desperately required for helping me pick up chicks. Employment lasts for approximately one week with potential for future projects. Pay is 3 milk bones an hour, however, rates are negotiable. Mini-huskies who apply must provide resume with a proven track record of getting clients hook-ups and phone numbers. Call (732) 555-8329 to apply.


I once belonged to none other than Chuck Norris, but after all those years, starring in movies and kicking ass together, the bastard thought he would be better off without me. We’ve been together since we were babies and I just feel so betrayed right now.

Hi my name is Larry King from CNN and I am in need of a personal Divorce Attorney.

Please, if anyone needs a fuzzy friend/movie icon, call me, I’ll never leave you like Chuck left me.

Can’t find a professional to perform your circumcision and/or vasectomy? Why not Zoidberg? Call (a6f) 555-javz or visit your nearest dumpster.)

I’ve gotten to like, what, number 14, and I need someone I can go to on a regular basis. I’ll provide exorbitant fees to keep the next gold-digging hag from taking my money.



Very large and spacious murder house for rent by anonymous owner.

Home overlooks deepest portion of Raritan River and has entirely sound proof walls. No windows on the first floor. Tile floors allow for easy clean-up.

LOOKY I DRAWED A HOUSE In art class today, we were doing crayon pictures and I drAwED a picture of a pretty house. I used red, and yellow, and green, and blue! Look, I put a tree in the yard! My teacher said it was the bestest house she’s ever seen! My mom says that if I can sell my house for $2, we can have Christmas! Call 6 on the Elmo Phone if you want to buy it!

Contains a large walk-in furnace in the basement perfect for evidence disposal. Has 3 bedrooms and 2 baths. Rent can be paid in $4000 dollars per month in unmarked bills or in an equal value of human teeth.

LIVI APARTMENTS!!! Include hardwood floors. 4 personal and spacious bedrooms with comfortable beds and wardrobes. Lounges upon lounges galore. A fully equipped kitchen. Nearby gym and movie theater. And the best part is that it’s NOT YOURS.

WANTED Seeking to purchase a trained/trainable badger capable of biting off a man’s penis on command. Willing to negotiate price. Badger must be of the highest quality. Please contact Medium Editior-In-Chief if you are interested in selling your cockgobbling badger. John needs a friendly reminder to use Arial Narrow.

The Daily Medium


Old, disgruntled professors on sale only at Rutgers University. All professors guaranteed to include barely audible mumbling, disheveled and dirty clothes, and a general lack of reasonable grading criteria. If your college or university is interested in buying one of our professors, please call Rutgers Career Services at out New Brunswick location or go online and visit our website. All mail-order professors include free shipping and handling. Limited while supplies last.

Whores of a feather, flock together. Confession Bear: I only tell people in my graduate program about jobs opening up in our field...if I’m covinced that I’m better than they are. To my bitch professor, again: that was quite a show you put on in front of the Dean when he came to class last week. Hell, someone might actually believe that you aren’t a raging twat with sand in your vagina. But we, your students, know the truth. You’re secretly a Cuntosaurus Rex, living in a human outer skin like the aliens in Men in Black. We’re onto you, you cranky hag.


To other South Asians in any given club: do you really feel the need to give me some sort of “holla” while I’m down getting dirty with my girl on the MENAGERIE dance floor? It’s so fuckin awkward. I WHEN AND don’t even know WHERE is this so you, yet you feel mysteriously smoklike I’m your bro or ing hot guy with the something. If you mini husky shows wanna be friends, up at? Holla at yo give me a swig from gurl man. Been your $300 bottle of walking around Goose in the VIP college ave and section. After that, haven’t seen this prince charming with let me use your his partner in crime. velvet VIP couch to fuck my girl on. Anyways, just fyi, Then I’ll show you I’m only interested how to be a bau5! in the dog, so if the guy with the husky is reading this, then To the asian dance fob mob by Lucy REPLY TO ME! We Stone AUD every can have a “get Thursday night... together” dog lover your sweat and date type of thing feet smell like funky if you know what I tofu shit. Take mean ;) your stanky ass In all seriousness, thank you for always and thunder thighs somewhere else, making me laugh. like Busch. The Medium is amazing, continue To the Asian kid on with the great work! the f bus in the patriotic sweater do you To the fucking weirthink we can’t all do in Brower who see you picking your keeps meowing...... nose and flicking it? the fuck??

APRIL 3RD, 2013





omfg you bitch! why are you bullying this girl making her pay $13 for your stupid heart-shaped glasses that she didn’t even break?! and fyi, those plastic pieces of shit only cost $5 TOPS. don’t try to hustle her for every last weed dollar you can. go to hell, cunt.

To a particular person in our major: let me start by saying we all knew you were a bitch, but you seriously blew me out of the water on that last trip we took. Are you really that insecure and consequently power-hungry over us? And because you were virtually denied that power you feel insecure? BTW, don’t you dare try to compliment me to get me on your side after all that snarling you did to me over the last semester. That’s a seriously CUNT move, you know. And those damn coattail riding bitches backing you with their twatmuffins? I hope they bail on you one by one so you have nobody left but your own daddy, who you probably go home to suck his dick while he flies his precious airplane. I hope senior year is miserable for you, unless of course you get pushed off a moving Rutgers bus and roll down into the nasty Raritan River first.

To the auburn haired guy on the REXL on Tuesday afternoon wearing the black and green plaid shirt and the gray and white beats with the hot pink wires, the way you wiggled your eyebrows at your friend was super cute and won me over so hard. I hope I have the pleasure of spotting you on a Rutgers bus again.

HAL-LE-FUCKINGLU-JAH. I never thought that i would experience so many miracles in a lifetime. thank you, dearest suitemate, for moving all of your’s and your boyfriend’s shit OUT. WHICH MEANS our apartment won’t smell anymore! it also means that it won’t be embarrassing to live here and we can finally have people over =) But i will apologize that THIS is how you find out how much of an inconvenience it was to live with you AND your boyfriend. Your standard of “clean” matches just that. pubes on the toilet seat are NOT okay. MOST OF ALL, YOUR BOYFRIEND’S RANCID-ASS SOCKS SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED ON THE SAME SURFACE WE COOK/EAT ON. Cheers, your old friend.

To RUPA: Thanks for royally fucking up the Alesso tickets. Why did you have an online sale in the first place? If they were sold in person only the real EDM heads would go. Now only a bunch of grimy ass-wipers have floor tickets only to scalp them. I can’t believe my student fees employ you dirty hippies. Go suck a bag of dicks! To the pretentious film student at Rutgers University, If you succeed in your pursuit of acquiring funds from this school, I will gladly shove a firecracker up my own asshole to celebrate your awesomeness with you. Through this celebration, I would rather hope I die than live and attend this university any longer. This school should not fund your single trip to France for your outside pursuits. True, this is your major and you are such the intellectual. I simply find it hard to believe that such effort should be made solely on your behalf when every students tuition at this university has risen solidly over the past several years. Perhaps have your mother and father fund your trip instead of suckling the Rutgers money teat and stealing funds from the true academic pursuits of the entire student body. Bon Voyage, Chatte.

TICK-TOCK To all old geysers in Showboat this past week in AC: I love how kids think old people are adorable and shit, but then I see you obese fucks wired to your oxygen tanks, siting in your scooters, using every last breath to puff on some cancerinducing boge while holding onto a slot machine lever for dear life. Now I know why our social security system is failing: from giving money to farts like you. I gotta go check the time now: oh, what’s that? It’s time for you to die! ( ... So, I guess your spring break went well?)

You know what’s incredibly satisfying? When you see girls you never hooked up with in high school on Facebook and how fat they are now.

SALES PITCH To Top Care Dental floss that’s sold in campus convenience stores, SCREW YOU! You are the shittiest dental floss I have ever had the displeasure of using in my life. You dethread easily and don’t even go in between my teeth! You’re a disgrace and I hope you go out of business. What a waste of money, I have to deal with 100 yards of this crap. To the Fund for the Public Interest: If I wanted to knock on people’s doors and tell them about shit they don’t care about, I’d have become a Jehova’s Witness.

OK FREUD Dear rude-ass bitch, One thing that confuses me is that one minute you’re overly self-confident and the next you’re depressed and moody. It’s really annoying and I wish you’d just stop. I just wish my friend never met you so the rest of us could have been saved from the headache that is your existence.

(Would you stop shouting? It’s rude.)

RU PRIDE Definition of Rutgers: Overambitious KnightWagon whatever happened to rbk? did he finally graduate?

I <3 THE MEDIUM I’m drunk and I just want to tell you guys. I love the medium but I fucking hate you and I wish RUSA would cut your budget and then spend the money I save on better food at brower. Go fuck yourselves To the Medium: What the hell, guys? I searched every campus for a copy of The Medium on Thursday and I couldn’t find a damn one. What gives? ( April Fools, you fuck-stick!)

The Daily Medium



Subpar showings lead BIG10 to revoke offer CONTINUED FROM BACK

conference’s decision came as a shock. “It’s kind of bullshit, but when you think about it so is our team. So is our athletic program, and the exorbitant amount of student dollars that have been pumped into it over the last decade to make our school seem like a worthwhile institution of higher learning. Littering is bullshit too. A lot of things are, when you really start getting into it,” Lewis said. Whether or not the conference will reverse its decision remains uncertain, but one thing that is certain is that all parties involved, from the student athletes themselves to the program’s directors, coordinators and coaches, will all be dead one day.


surprise and honor, C. Vivian Stringer just won her 900th game, but if the school wants to ask me to coach, I will consider it. It will be tough to replace her though, since she is such a great coach with a tremendous record.” After stating this and then being informed that it is not the Women’s team position he is being offered, but rather the Men’s team, Jackson commented, “Ah shit, not that job. Who do these fucks think they are? Sure, if it was the Women’s team I would consider it ‘cause they’re actually somewhat talented, but not the Men’s team. Oh man no way I want to step into that mess. I’m a twelvetime NBA Champ, and they think I want to waste my time with this? Seems like any AD or GM with a fucking phone is trying to get at me recently.... no. The answer is simply no.” Pernetti countered saying, “Lets hear him say it to my face, lets see if he has to balls to say ‘no’ to me.”

News in Pictures

Equestrian Team Signs Three New Red Hooves

APRIL 3RD, 2013


Bryce Harper celebrates career day with ice cold chocolate milk BY CORRIDOR MAN NEWS EDITOR

WASHINGTON D.C.—Just after becoming the youngest player to hit two home runs in an opening day game, 20-yearold Nationals slugger Bryce Harper decided it was time to let loose and enjoy the moment downtown. After longingly walking past every bar on the east side of D.C., Harper and his horizontal driver’s license made his way to a local Perkins to kick back and enjoy a frosty age-appropriate beverage. The second year sensation was remised to be refused when attempting to order from the kids’ section, lamenting about a so-called “double standard,” that prevented him from enjoying the benefits of being an underage American and eating a cut-up hotdog. “Here I am enjoying my chocolate milk, and yet I can’t even get a damn—sorry— dang, pre-cut hotdog,” said Harper. “I’m just trying to live


BOSTON— Fenway visitors are in for a real treat this Spring, as the Boston Red Sox have announced a major promotion to coincide with breast cancer awareness month. Upon entering the historic park gates, lucky fans will be given pink socks by members of the organization. Anyone from janitors to 63 year old team owner John Henry will be taking part in the aggressive and thorough distribution of pink socks throughout the stadium. “It’s our goal to make sure that everyone who enters this stadium does not leave without receiving a pink sock,” said

Kevin Ware enjoying Youtube stardom

Louisville Guard on to bigger things BY GODIVA’S MAN BITCH CONTRIBUTING WRITER

Bryce Harper enjoys his chocolate milk. responsibly and not choke on an un-cut hotdog.” Perkins employees were in awe of the unprecedented maturity displayed by the young superstar. “He totally drank responsibly,” said waitress Layla Donovan. “He didn’t ask for any extra chocolate syrup or demand free bendy straws

Red Sox promote breast cancer awareness with pink sock promotion BY THAT DOUCHEBAG LANCE


Henry. “Our commitment to healthy breasts must be demonstrated by the number of pink socks we give,” he went on to say. Even Red Sox players are hoping to get involved. “I’ve autographed a lot of balls, but I’ve never autographed a pink sock before,” said designated hitter David Ortiz. “I’m excited,” he said with his classic Dominican smile. The massive amount of pink socks expected to be received in the greater Boston area on this day will likely only be matched by that of a similarly named unofficial event slated to take place across Massachusetts state prisons on the same day.

for his entire entourage”. Fans in D.C. are excited to see what Harper can accomplish in the rest of the season. Not only did he hit 22 home runs, but the drawings he scrawled in the infield dirt last season were only less impressive than the masterfully tied blades of grass that Harper knotted together while bored in right field.


Students prepare for removal of free tickets CONTINUED FROM BACK

Students however are finding this decision bothersome. Bobby Patel, a junior majoring in economics, commented, “This is just bullshit, like pretty much everything that has been happening to Rutgers lately. I even set up my schedule next semester so that I would actually be able to go to the football games, and now I have to pay to go?” Rutgers Athletics Department will be running a trial in 2013-2014 to see how removing free tickets will affect their fan outcome and how the amount of tickets purchased. Most students already expressed on an online poll that they will not be going to any more sport events. Doon also mentioned, “Hey if you guys don’t want to come anymore, we’ll just be making money anyways off the idiots who would pay to go to any of our events. Spoiler alert, we’ll always disappoint you guys in the end.”

LOUSIVILLE—One day after a gruesome leg injury left his basketball future in shambles, Louisville basketball player Kevin Ware is lounging in a local hospital, watching himself on Youtube and enjoying the massive amounts of views and comments associated with the various videos of his downfall. In an Elite 8 game against Duke University, Ware had the privilege of actually getting the complete attention of his benchmates, coaches, and fans. “I’m more famous now than I ever would have been had my fibula not exploded through the skin of my leg,” said an ecstatic Ware. Ware now joins Rutgers’ own Eric LeGrand as sadist America’s newest darling child. Youtube hits on Ware’s injury have gone through the roof, eclipsing even that of equally painful videos of LeGrand’s paralyzing tackle and Justin Bieber’s “Beauty and a Beat.” According to Ware, it is an absolute privilege to be amongst the week’s most viewed videos. “I’m being mentioned in the same category as the dramatic chipmunk and Star Wars kid— legends like the Numa Numa guy– it’s great company to be in,” said a proud Ware. “It’s truly an honor to be lumped in with the greats.” Friends and teammates of Kevin Ware couldn’t be more proud of his accomplishments. “The stats speak for themselves, and it’s incredible for him to be in the same company as guys with the greatest numbers ever in the Youtube game,” said Louisville coach Rick Pitino. “There is no doubt in my mind that Kevin Ware can reach 1 billion views and become immortalized in that way. His name has been Googled more than almost anyone in the past few days, and that’s a really underrated stat in my opinion”. Whether or not Kevin Ware will return to play basketball is unclear. Some might say his greatest contribution to sports entertainment has already been achieved.

The Daily Medium

APRIL 3RD, 2013


A-Rod finally admits to recent PED scandal The Bronx Bomber shares the reasons behind his latest doping scandal BY SIDD FINCH STARTING PITCHER

MIAMI, Florida, - In a recent interview with The Medium, New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez came out to explain his role in the recent Biogenesis scandal that took over baseball in early February. Rodriguez, along with other prominent names such as Melky Cabrera and Ryan Braun, were all implicated in another performance enhancing drug scandal caused by the Biogenesis of American LLC Company; however Rodriguez’s reasons turned out to be more unique then the others. “I wanted to be a centaur,” exclaimed A-Rod with a proud look on his face. “I know I’m getting older, and I thought it would be the professional thing to do, to help my game.” News broke that A-Rod had a painting of himself as a centaur hanging above his bed as he “hit a home run” with his numerous women, leading him to the idea of him becoming one himself. “I invited the boys; you know Jeter, Cano, and the

white guy who plays first base over to chill one day, and they saw it and were all like ‘dude you should totally become one of these…you know to help the team out,’ and next thing I know, well, they were like ‘hit up Melky, he knows a guy who can help make this happen,’ so I gave him a call.” Rodriguez has been injuryprone and slowing down over the past two seasons, hitting only .276 and .272 the last two years, despite being a lifetime .300 hitter, while being on the disabled list numerous times. “That’s what gave me the idea,” explained Rodriguez about wanting to become a mythical beast. “My legs and hips have been bothering me over the last few years, so I figured if I took enough PEDs, under the right supervision by the guys at Biogenesis, I would be able to go through this transformation, and boom it would be like I was in my 20s again,” explained Rodriguez before he felt he needed to add, “I’m already hung like a horse, why not become one?” However, The Miami New Times broke the story of MLB players using PEDs purchased

The alleged painting of A-Rod as a centaur, running in the water and looking sexy while doing it. at Biogenesis, making A-Rod stop his treatment, and causing A-Rod to suffer significant pain from not completing his treatment. “People were wondering

why I had to have hip surgery and miss most of this upcoming season, well, the reason is that I was undergoing this change, and then the report came out and Biogenesis got

Barchi to step in for New Jersey Devils Injuries leave Devils with no choice but to sign Barchi to one year deal BY ILKKA PIKKARAINEN HOCKEYGUY

NEWARK, New Jersey, With the loss of forward Ilya Kovalchuk for the next 2-4 weeks, the New Jersey Devils have announced that they have signed forward Robert L. Barchi to a one year, two-way contract. “We think that Robert brings experience that can really help our team,” explained Devils General Manager Lou Lamoriello. “We expect him to play good minutes for us while we are going through injury trouble.” The Devils have had a rash of injuries to players Martin Brodeur, Alexei Ponikarovsky, Henrik Tallinder, Danius Zu-

brus, and now Kovalchuk this season, but they hope that Barchi can solve their depth problems. “It was actually an easy decision to sign Robert to a contract,” explained Coach Peter DeBoer. “Yes because of the injuries, but well I haven’t been playing (forward) Krystopher Barch the last few games, so Lou and I figured that if we sign Robert, we can just slap an extra “I” on the back on Barch’s Barchi discussing practice with Coach Pete jersey and boom we’re good to Deboer. go.” When The Medium called secretly training for this job. position, playing in 0 games, President Barchi about him Lou and I are good friends and with 0 goals, a 0 plus/minus, signing this contract he imme- it’s such a professional orga- and somehow 134 assists. He is diately said, “Shhhhhh, I don’t nization, so I wanted to keep expected to make his debut tomorrow night against the Boswant people finding out about things quiet.” ton Bruins in which he comFor his career, Robert L. this, yes I have been hiding the last few months, but I’ve been Barchi has played the Left Out mented, “please don’t hurt me.”

shut down, so I had to stop, and it fucked up my hip.” Rodriguez is expected to be out until the All-Star break, and has not yet begun baseball activities.

Gary Nova shares off season secrets to staying in shape Nova shares, “I jerk off ” as his secret to staying fit.

Who Nova jerks off to: Teddy Bridgewater

TOO HARD A CHALLENGE Rutgers wrestler Dale DaBone saw his undefeated streak come to an end last week when he suffered a personal problem and had to forfeit the match.

TAMPA BAY PAY Rutgers head football coach Kyle Flood was scouted by Tampa Bay Buccaneers and is in the middle of negotiations to move to Tampa Bay; pay may be $200,000 higher than his current Rutgers salary.

JUST A LITTLE HARDER The Rutgers women’s basketball team is practicing day and night to help C. Vivian Stringer in her final push to get from 900th career win to 1000th career win.

The Daily Medium


University’s ‘Big 10’ offer revoked BY BRIANNA PROVENZANO MANAGING EDITOR

PISCATAWAY – Although the university received a much-anticipated invitation to join the Big Ten last fall, conference Commissioner Jim Delany announced yesterday that the program is reneging on its decision. “After careful observation of a sub-par basketball season and what started out as a promising but was ultimately a sub-par football season, I regretfully announce that The Big Ten will no longer seek a partnership with Rutgers University” Delany said during a weekend press junket. The announcement

Perenetti explains how the BIG10 deal fell through. came as a shocking blow to school officials and athletic department members who had thought that the Scarlet Knights’ inclusion in the

conference for 2014 was set in stone. Athletic Director Tim Perenetti said that failed efforts to negotiate an early leave from

College Basketball

NEW BRUNSWICK, New Jersey, - Following in the footsteps of the New York Knicks and Brooklyn Nets, Rutgers Men’s Basketball is expected to offer former Lakers and Bulls Coach Phil Jackson their soonto-be-vacant Head Coach position. After completing what seemed to be the best job Mike Rice did, with a 5-13 record in Big East play, a 15-16 record overall and not getting invited to the NCAA tournament or the pity NIT tournament, it seems Coach Rice’s time at


Rutgers will soon be over. “I have to say that I am not thrilled with how the team played this season. I am in the process of reviewing the teams and the personnel’s performance, and we will be making a decision in the next few days” stated an angry Director of Intercollegiate Athletics, Tim Pernetti. “After the horrible ending to the football season, I just wanted to see a little more effort out of the basketball team to try and lift the students’ sprits. I am known as a no-nonsense guy; I fired Greg Schiano after he failed to win a Big East title, and the same might apply to Mike.”

RU to charge students for sport tickets BY YAGNESH PATEL STAFF WRITER

The possible new changes are coming as a bit of a surprise to sophomore guard Eli Carter, who stated, “Wow I thought we had a really productive season, winning those 5 out of 18 Big East games, it took a real team effort. If the rumors about Phil [Jackson] are true however, well, I have to say I would be very excited to play for him.” When asked about possibly being named as one of the candidates for the head coach position, the twelve-time NBA Champion Head Coach stated, “Wow this comes as such a SEE JACKSON ON PAGE 14

EXTRA POINT Nick Borgese, Made three PAT attempts yesterday during spring practice, two more then he did all of last season. “At least I made more than Federico did,” cheered Borgese.


Knight Notebook

Rutgers Men’s Basketball to contact Phil Jackson about possible coaching vacancy BY ADAM ROMATOWSKI PERSONALS EDITOR

the University’s contract with the Big East conference had added an element of confusion to the proceedings, one that was ultimately a massive

blunder on the school’s part. “In the confusion over ending our current contract [with the Big East], we made a critical error in assuming that our new contract [with the Big Ten] was finalized. It was not.” Perenetti said. “Simply put, we will not be eligible to compete in any conference during our 2014 season. This would be devastating to our program, and we are currently in the process of urging the Big Ten to rethink their decision” he said. Senior defensive end on the Scarlet Knights football team Jerome Lewis said that the

Rutgers University has decided to start charging students admission into sporting events. For many years, Rutgers students have enjoyed free tickets for nearly all home sporting events. However, Rutgers will now follow the policy that many other universities follow by charging students for their tickets. Joffre Doon issued this statement yesterday night after a meeting with many other Rutgers Departments heads: “While Rutgers would love to accommodate all students, as we gain bigger fame, we need to be more inclusive of all of our fans, both in and out of the

University.” With the recent increase in popularity of the Scarlet Knights, non-Rutgers students and alumni have started to show interest in coming to the games. Due to this, many department heads of Rutgers have begun to worry that not all of these bandwagon fans will be able to participate in Rutgers pride. Rutgers students can still get a discount by buying season tickets, which will be offered for 30%-off for those who order before May 1st, and 20%-off for those who buy by September 1st. Individual tickets will only be 10%off no matter when they are purchased. SEE TICKETS ON PAGE 14




at Hofstra

Practice Round

Today, 9:00 p.m. Bainton Field

Today, 3:00 a.m. Hempstead, N.Y.

Cut +15