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Volume XLVIII Issue II
September 24th, 2014 50¢
CLIMATE MARCH HOTBED OF USELESS ACTIVISM
QUICKIES
BY MCLIMATE ZLOCA STAFF WRITER
NEW YORK CITY—Over 310,000 people gathered last Sunday in New York City for the Climate Summit at the United Nations. Correspondent Dick Greenest echoed the overall sentiment of the protest: “The consciousness is finally changing. More and more people realize that corporations are guilty for everything ranging from climate change, economic crisis, world inequality, bad weather, girls who turn you down, shitty grades, watered-down beer, hurricanes, and STDs… man, fuck corporations!” "GIVING A LOVING CARESS TO MOTHER NATURE'S O-ZONE" Not everyone agrees. New The worst thing is how all these calamities happened all at once. York resident Rick Hurst argued that the ever-increasing temperature seems to have had clothing due to the heat. “In shaved armpits and don’t smell even some positive impacts. comparison to the activists back and look like truck drivers.” Most protesters, for example, in the 1970s,” noted Hurst, “the Continued on Page 2 were forced to wear skimpier majority of the girls here have
GETTING BRAIN
Zombie Combat Prepares Nation for ISIS BY ANIME HAIR NEWS EDITOR
US SOUTH BORDER—Men aged 15-35 in the Southwest border states have volunteered to fend a potential attack from ISIS. The group, ODIN, already feels prepared. “Well, me and some buddies were discussing it when playing Left 4 Dead,” says Sidney Jones, 16, of Houston TX, a member of this new militia. “What we realized was, we’re already wellversed in combat. We, like, kill zombies all time. So we know "NOT GETTING MORE BULLETS UNTIL I RESPAWN" what do.” Video games are effectively training simulations for tomorrow's solAnother member of ODIN, diers against the encroaching mindless hoardes after American brains. James White, 21, shared the sentiment, saying that there is not Gary McCoy, 19, “I even know border. much of a difference between a which melee weapon to use: “Essentially,” Strider mindless, flesh-eating shell of crowbar.” claims, “they’d act just like a human being and a mindless, ODIN volunteer David zombies would. I would just extremist shell of a human be- Strider, 15, shared his plan on block the doors and windows, ing. what to do should the terrorist so they wouldn’t know what to “I can handle any situation organization bent on destroying Continued on Page 2 that ISIS throws at us,” brags the US somehow penetrate the
Drinking from Toilets SInce 1970
Sailor went to CCC Sarah Jessica Parker Joins Equine Club Center for Alcohol Studies Relocated to Easton Ave Tulane Fans given Temporary Shelter in HPS Stadium Homosexual Business Major has Visual AIDS Sigma Tau (στ) is Most Stressed Engineering Fraternity Blind Lesbian Excited by the Smells of Neptune Night Pubic Speaking renamed Genital Puppetry to Avoid Confusion How to get High on Acid: Stop, Drop, and Roll. Florist Paid and Deflowed, Arrested for Prostitution