4-15-09

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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themedium.net

NATION

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April 15th, 2009

Volume XXXIX Issue XI

INDEPENDENT THIRD PARTY ANALYSTS DETERMINE DRACULA DID 9/11 Renowned “Count” Responsible for Horror Attacks Nine Years Ago

BY CAL EN EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

Washington DC - Recent analysis of the 9/11 attacks on the World Trade Center reveal that the true culprit was in fact Count Dracula, of the rogue nation of Transylvania, and as such the name of the attacks has changed designation from “terror attack” to “horror attack” to better describe their true nature.

While Dracula was originally on the short list of suspects after the attacks, it is believed that attention was shifted towards Osama bin Laden because it would be easier to facilitate an oil-based war in the Middle East if a brown guy did it.

Now experts are pouring over countless pages of evidence in order to discern exactly how this could have slipped through the cracks for so long.

They believe that the attacks came on the coattails of the embargo on blood and coffin exports to Transylvania, which literally bled the nation dry.

Turmoil has rocked the country long before it was designated as a

member of the “Axis of Evil” by former President George W. Bush. After its independence from Imperial Britain after WWI it was a nation in trouble, especially after it was invaded by the

CAMPUS

WORLD

Got Him!

With breakthrough zooming technology, researchers were able to provide “vampirical evidence” proving that Dracula is a guilty-ass motherfucker.

German army under the orders of Hitler, who was looking for a supernatural super-weapon to end the war in the Nazi regime’s twilight hours.

More recently, the interception

of a transport of Nigerian yellowcake uranium to Transylvania in Egypt in 2000 caused the enigmatic Count Dracula to begin penning vitriolic diatribes against the United States and starring in long series of inflammatory videos decrying the United States as the “Second-greatest Evil.”

“Blah! I vant you Amereecan rat-bastards to bat out of our legeetimate nuclear program.” sneered the dictator of the small Balkin state.

“Blah,” he added.

When asked about the means by which Dracula carried out this attack, the experts’ opinions differ but there seems to be an underlying story similarity.

At 8:40 AM, Dracula went into bat form and entered Flight 11 and took control of the pilots with his fangs. He then floated to Flight 175 and personally flew it into the South Tower, escaping a fiery death by entering his astral form and returning to Transylvania to gloat and cackle.

Notable vampire expert Gabriel Van Helsing had this to say: “That’s what I was trying to tell you guys!”

“Hot Chick” Fails Neo-Nazis Seek to Eat Banana in to Reclaim 4/20 Sexiest Manner

BY HEINRICH “WAVY GRAVY” HIMMLER Possible CONTRIBUTING GNOME

BY JOHNNY CHALLENGER MANAGING EDITOR

COLLEGE AVE — Students in Brower Commons dining hall were upset after Jennifer Moore, a “hot ass bitch” according to Rutgers students, failed to eat a banana in the sexiest way she possibly could. “Aw man,” complained SAS sophomore Jerry Holt. “That was so boring and just, normal, man.”

Based upon eyewitness accounts, Moore had sparked interest in her eating future when she abandoned her normal routine of consuming an apple and instead made a move for the slender, phallic-like banana.

Apparently, if Moore were to insert continued, “DOME,” page 2

BERLIN, GERMANY — Aside from the obvious legal concerns surrounding the festival, the annual celebration of recreational marijuana use on 4/20 has for years been a relatively unthreatening presence on American college campuses, including Rutgers. However, this stands to change entirely for 2009 due to organization of a new faction of marijuana smokers — college-aged Neo-Nazis.

This shocking development comes on the heels of the June 2008 discovery of a missing portion of the diaries of Theodor Morell, who was Hitler’s personal physician from 1936 until Hitler’s suicide in 1945. The drab black book, until now hidden among stacks of bureaucratic

Arya’ In?

Neo-Nazis gather on Busch Campus for a racial-hatred fueled smokeout.

record-keeping seized by the Soviet army during the fall of Berlin, documents the months of March and April 1945, and contains crucial information about Hitler’s medical diet during his final days.

At the time, Morell had been administering to paranoid and Parken-

Proud Supporters of Republican’s Rights ESTABLISHED 1970

sons-afflicted Hitler a cocktail known to contain drugs including, but not limited to, methamphetamine, morphine, cocane (via eye drops), testosterone, and as we now know, marijuana. Long opposed to smoking, Hitler received the drug in the form of laced gingerbread continued, “BONG,” page 2

THE MEDIUM

NEWS “Gold Bond is best when your balls are worst!”

Wednesday, April 15th, 2009

Editorial Staff Spring 2009

Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Senior Editor

Colin “Find the Benders” Fong

News Editor Features Editor Opinions Editor Arts Editor Personals Editor Personals Editor What’s Shakin’ Editor Online Editor Copy Editor Staff Artist Staff Photographer Staff Writer Staff Writer Faculty Advisor

Abe Stanway Keith Lawrence Carmella Luczak Reven MacQueen Dave Imbriaco Katie Daivis Mike Vuono Paul Winters Erinn Koener Katie Russian Tim Swanson Hermann Hesse Jiddu Krishnamurti Barbara Reed

John Bender Gary Klimowicz Paul Winters

The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and not necessarily shared by The Medium, or the authors themselves. The office of the Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus.

This issue is dedicated to Passover, the bane of my existence, and to matzah pizza: my rock and my redeemer.

Corrections: Are you implying that The Medium is anything less than a bastion of editorial perfection?

“DOME,” continued from front a decent amount of the potassium rich fruit into her mouth before the first bite, it would bear a striking similarity to a male receiving oral sex from a female.

“Dude, I was totally about to picture her wrapping those lips around my man cannon, but after this travesty, I think I might just go back to

my room and DC++ some porn,” exclaimed Rutgers College senior Jack Green.

There is hope on the horizon for these frustrated males as SAS freshman Rebecca Chang was seen entering the dining hall licking a large lollipop. “Aw hell YEAH! Who wants to eat Chinese takeout tonight!?” shouted an excited Green to his buddies as they passed by Mama Brower.

Schwag on the Flag

“BONG,” continued from front cakes. Hitler was reportedly so partial to the new treatment that Morell quotes him saying that “my German Youth, will sell these moist, delectable gingerbread cakes on street corners throughout the Reich.

Only then will we bring eternal peace and happiness to the Aryan peoples.” Hitler also made explicit his desires to see his birthday, April 20th, commemmorated with a celebration of “medicinal gingerbread and traditional Aryan floral patterns.”

The historical community’s initial excitement over the discovery was soon marred

A protesters’ flag depicts a “bongstika,” the weapon of choice for modern Aryan youth.

by other forces, however. NeoNazi youth groups also took notice, and apparently seeing an opportunity for outreach, started a movement to reclaim 4/20.

According to their 3,544 member Facebook group, “Honor der Fuehrer on 420: Master Race for the Master Herb”, starting in 2009 “the 20th of April will be an unforgettable display of the Reich’s continuing power. On this day we will walk with our joints in hand, clad in tie-die and Doc Martens, paying respect to der Fuehrer’s legacy with acoustic guitars.”

Artists mentioned in the group for their purely Aryan influences include Wagner,

Skrewdriver, Jack Johnson, and Professor Longhair.

Although the group’s main page contains no explicit threats, individual members of the group were less discrete.

This is of special concern to Rutgers, as a number of the group’s members are affiliated with the University. Campus authorities are advised to be on the lookout for anybody on campus fitting any one of the above descriptions.

Due to the alarming nature of the online comments, such persons will, according to RUPD, be “regarded as hostile, immediately arrested and searched,” and “all acoustic guitars will be confiscated upon sight.”

JEWS

Unemployment Rises Among Yeast-Producing Sex Slaves Jewish Bread Boycott Severely Hurting “Big Wheat”

BY ABA SABABA NEWS EDITOR

WESTERN WALL, ISRAEL — Last week, Jews all across the world commenced their annual boycott of bread products in order to protest the unfair trafficking practices of female yeast-slaves.

It’s been seven days, and the boycott has already taken a heavy toll on the bread industry.

Yeast workers are getting laid off in increasingly higher numbers as many “big wheat” companies continue to opt for “fair-trade” yeast, manufactured in laboratories as opposed to human vaginas.

“I’ve been a yeast worker all my life. I don’t want to get laid off, I want to get laid,” laments Rashel Carnefix, age 62. “Those fuck-

ing Jews think that they’re doing yeast workers like me a favor by boycotting bread, and nothing could further from the truth. I am not the victim of human trafficking! What I do with my vagina and how I make my money is my own goddamned business!”

Rabbi Moishenburg, leading authority of Jews at large, disagrees. He considers himself the founder of the modern Jewish practice of refraining from eating bread products during the week of Passover.

The basis, he argues, is that nine out of ten yeastworkers are “routinely harvested against their will” and “are forced to work in poor, sweatshop-like conditions with no hope of freedom.”

“The fact of the matter is, most yeast-workers are cal-

lously mistreated in their line of work, and dental benefits are absolutely unheard of in the industry,” explained Moishenburg. “These are abominations that Judaism cannot tolerate.”

A friendly neighborhood white guy made sure to mention that “yeast-worker’s bread tastes much better than regular bread.” “It’s got that flavor I crave. No synthetic yeast will ever be able to replace the real deal,” he said.

This line of thought may be on par with that of the American populace. Breaderies who exclusively employ yeast-workers have reported third quarter growths exceeding 12% for the fourth straight year.

“Yeast-slaves are the way to go,” posits industry expert Kurt Sativa. “As we like to say, ‘the more bread you bake,

An angry protester holds a piece of “matzah” in memoriam of the yeast-slaves who have been persecuted for years.

the more dough you make.’And the best way to make bread, of course, is with a vagina.”

Still, proponents of “traditional” yeast exist.

Dubbed the “silent majority”

by Nixon, these sheep are always willing to spend money on products that specifically involve the misfortunes of others.

Their silent motto is “all in the name of capitalism!”

Wednesday, April 15th, 2008

THE MEDIUM

FEATURES Looks Like Pirates Are Making A Comeback

THE TRUTH BEHIND THE LEGEND OF THE WEEPING MANBITCH BOY A heart-warming story for the whole family.

Whether you’ve heard the stories or not, the legend of the Weeping Manbitch Boy is a part of Rutgers’ history.

As familiar to the University as the Daily Targum, the Weeping Manbitch Boy is said to be a regular Rutgers student by day but by night, he becomes an unearthly monster the likes of nothing known to the free corporate bailed out FUCKED world.

Legend has it that the Weeping Manbitch Boy only comes out late at night, about the time when the roofies kick in, and frats are busy trying to get sloppy sex from anything that has a warm hole. Hey, what happens between bros... stays inside one of the bros until the other bro is finished. Scientists, however, have confirmed that unlike the myth of a straight fraternity brother, the legend of the Weeping Manbitch Boy is undoubtedly true.

At first glance, his physical appearance resembles a man, this is because the Weeping Manbitch Boy doesn’t transforms until alcohol is introduced into his system. Scientists say that when alcohol enters the blood stream of the Weeping Manbitch Boy, his testicles actually deflate then pull back inside the abdomen before refilling with chemicals commonly found in women who produce ovaries. Dr. Ben Dover, a Podiatrist from Camden, NJ explains that the chemicals found in the Weeping Manbitch Boy and in women, the Sodeepinmi Acid and Sulfull Ofurmum are also the same chemicals that can be directly injected into the brain to produce a mind set similar to either that of a suicide bomber or someone who finds Frank TV funny. Dr. Dover explains that these ingredients are extremely dangerous in women, “not to get too technical, but it’s what makes bitches go crazy.” So the fact that they are also found in the Weeping Manbitch Boy is very alarming.

The transformation of the Weeping Manbitch Boy provides little warning. It starts when he begins to sob uncontrollably, and continues to do so until all his manliness disintegrates. Once this happens, the Weeping Manbitch Boy (or as he is more commonly known as, ‘Pussy’) will begin to leak from every orifice of his body- breaking down his outer exterior of skin into a substance that is the combination of tears, sweat, spit and yes, lots and lots of sperm. The Weeping Manbitch Boy will then use his tears as heavy lubricate as he masturbates in the corner of whatever party he decided to ruin with his nonsensical bullshit about how some dumb slut doesn’t love him any more. Dover hypothesizes that because of the physical abuse the Weeping Manbitch Boy’s penis receives, his body reverts all the blood from his estranged member to his brain. This mixed with the strain on his eyes from crying causes the Weeping Manbitch Boy’s head to swell to the same size as it would if 5,000 bees marinated in pepper spray gang-banged every square inch of on his skull before finally unleashing their seed on him, like a pimp on a Russian whore who is trying to make enough money to bring her enslaved sister into the country.

New Brunswick Police have released a report stating that once the Weeping Manbitch Boy is fully transformed, he will complain to all bystanders until they are so sick of hearing his bitching that they either become horribly, horribly disfigured from self mutilation or possibly become much, much worse- sober. Police advice to anyone unfortunate enough to encounter the Weeping Manbitch Boy to take one of two precautions in order to walk away from the situation unharmed. Police instruct all victims to either lull the creature to sleep with false promises ensuring him he is in fact a big, strong, confident, good looking man OR to just simply flick the Weeping Manbitch Boy in the fleshy sack where his testicles used to be, while calling him ‘Nancy’ over and over again.

Hi, I’m Michael Bay, ruiner of childhood dreams. I am proposing to you a propostion. I want you to send me other shows, movies or anything that I should remake next.

Send at Features@themedium.net

In case you were wondering...

The answer to last week’s Medium Question was Twat-Waffle

THE MEDIUM

drOP/dEaD

Wednesday, April 15th, 2009

“Oh you’re Chanukah? Well I’m Christmas and therefore I kick ass because I HAVE SANTA!”

Why Regal Management blows Angry Rant; Part Deux...

Editor’s note: There is no factual basis in this argument whatsoever. I am almost sorry

By angry brown bubble butt Contributing writer

By Far S. ali Contributing writer This is a story about why regal employees and their management are too busy Dutch Ruddering each other to realize they’re retarded. So yesterday, 25 of my friends decided to go and watch The Watchmen (If you got that oxymoron, you’re a fucking moron). 23 of the 25 walk in without any problems. My friend and I are the last two to walk up to the counter and the lady asks for ID. Thinking she’s just a complete retard (which I was completely right in assuming), I show her my Rutgers ID; she then asks for state identification. My friend proceeds to explain that I am an international student and have no form of state ID on me. She proceeds to ask me for my passport. ANY sensible fuck on earth knows that a passport is not something that you just pull out of your ass for some woman at a counter. She could shred it up and use it as toilet paper! How am I supposed to get back to my land of harems and camels then? I then ask her why I need any form of identification. She says I need to be 21 or older to watch an R rated movie! This is complete bullshit. I tell her that I’m 20 and I don’t need adult supervision. She told me that it is new Regal policy. Now onto why Regal suck. I’m 20 years old. I am not allowed to watch a movie because there is a giant naked blue man with an exposed penis, on screen. BUT, I can go down to any bookstore and buy a copy of playboy. I can go to the movie rentals and get an adult film. If these conservative, centurion-reading fuck heads stopped their circle jerk, they would realize that in a land where kids can get alcohol when they’re 16 and start watching porn at 11, there is no reason for a 21 age limit to watch a non-sexual movie. Now I have to wait outside the theatre for two and a half hours for the movie to end. I’m just going to DC++ the movie when I get back. Then I’m going to eat a shit load of Taco Bell and upper decker every toilet at Regal Cinemas.

Angry Rant; Part One...

By The Angry Grad Student Contributing Writer To all the highlighted, spoiled rotten, self-centered bitches, and their useless male counterparts with the lazy, pointless swagger, and frog butt - yes, frog butt - white boy asses that look like someone stood up a frog and slapped pants on it - you disgust me. Too bad you’ve never worked a day in your life aside from summers at Daddy’s construction company that is union so you can continue your laziness through the change of seasons.

Your self-involvement is only exceeded by mediocrity - you are a copy of a copy of a copy and no one could distinguish you from your friends because you all look, act and think alike - a social animal of pettiness and arro-

gance nowhere else to be found in nature. You are polite enough, but spout hate and lies and gossip as soon as someone walks away and would sell your soul for the newest Hollister outfit.

If I hear one more time how you are “so tired” or have “so much to do,” I will use the rage, anger and resentment that has gestated with slow accretion in me since I started grad school to personally hand your waste of a self to you on a fittingly silver platter. Get a job and stop whining. Oh, and when you see me coming back from College Ave on a EE at 11pm and I am reading a book because I have a real job and have to teach a real undergraduate course that I am single-handedly responsible for, keep your condescending, judging eyes on your own shallow reflection and shut your upper-middleclass piehole because your problems are not real and neither are you.

Controversial and Obnoxiously Conservative Guest Editorial!!

If you are anything like me, then you probably have an insane amount of work to do and really don’t have time to be reading The Medium, but hey, you do it anyway. Congrats.

You are a procrastinator and will probably be up the night before your paper is due desperately trying to type it up. That’s ok. That’s not the point of this article. My point of this article is to talk about the people who get in the way with the prospect of you getting any work done, getting more than 3 hours of sleep; the people who have pushed you to the point that you are ready to start running through the hallways screaming and then promptly passing out from severe amounts of stress and exhaustion. You know who they are.

They are those inconsiderate assholes in your dorm that just do not know how to shut the fuck up at one in the morning, or at any other time, for that matter. You’re in your nice cozy dorm sleeping and then WHAM! You’re eardrums are assaulted with voices people often hear when they are on the verge of going completely insane, only you aren’t actually going insane. They are still there, though, talking about who the fuck knows what, and you just want them to STOP. In fact, you get to the point where you sincerely hope that the person who insists on talking on their cell phone at a decibel louder than that of a jet taking off gets brain cancer, or that asshole who was skipping down the hallway whistling (when you where trying to sleep) falls flat on their face and is propelled out the window, and of course, that shemale you kept hearing talking right outside your door who probably doesn’t even attend Rutgers, gets the rest of their gender reassignment surgery and just disappears to wherever it is shemales disappear to (Philly?).

I completely understand that hey, this is college. We’re allowed to have fun, and I am one who is also somewhat loud at times, but on Reading Days? In the middle of the night? Seriously? Are you completely unaware of others around you and that we have to actually LIVE with you? Come on naw! Don’t be an asshole...

Should Public Restrooms be Integrated?

She has so much ethnicity in her that the camera was not sensitive enough to show her in a politically correct way.

Michelle Malt Liquor

Let me start out by saying that Ba-lankcheck Obama is full of shit. When the President has to unload said shit, though, even he should have the guaranteed privacy to do so among his own kind. What, you think I’m being racist, ha; no matter what I say I’d be making fun of myself too. No, I’m talking about men. And me, well, people seem to enjoy it when I talk out of my multi-ethnic ass. When I actually have to shit out of that ass though, I’m going to be taking it to the ladies room. Yes smart aleck, I’m a LADY. Now a lot of neo-hippie bark-eating-marry-my-cat-screw-my-cat (with “proteeection”) -and-tax-my-cat LIBERALS think it’s a novel idea to let men piss alongside women. Honestly, men hear women piss and moan enough outside the bathroom, you think they’d want at least a brief respite. If you remember the landmark case of Pissy v. Ferguson a very clear standard was set establishing all public bathrooms as separate but equal. But women could take their excretion to a whole new level under the influence of men. Snort! The fact that the only thing separating pantsless men and women would be a half-inch of wall-ish stuff signals the end of American values. Just to remind you, your anti-discrimination bullshit does not apply to my private business!

-Michelle Malt Liquor has accomplished many things

THE MEDIUM

ARTS

Wednesday, April 15th 2009

“I’m ok with being mediocre”

by Russian Mail-Order Bride Staff Artist

by Phantom Q-Bus Driver

Submit everything you regurgitate to

arts@themedium.net

Facebook Picture of the Week

by Micro F-150

THE MEDIUM To mooning chick on Huntington; Did you not notice before you left the house that the wind was gusting enough to send dense frat brothers flying down the street? And you still wore a sheer mini-dress, or a long shirt...I have no idea what the fuck you were wearing really. I had plenty of knowledge about what was under your garment though. You have just about as much class as a one-room schoolhouse in remote Eskimoland Russia.

To the super hot fireman who took me to the hospital Thursday night - Although I was wasted and puking all over you, your beautiful red hair turned me on so hard. you and your ambulance are coming back this thursday to put the fire out in my p a n t s (So you’re going to drop a major fart and ignite a methane fire—yeah, she’ll think that’s hot and steamy alright) To the chick with the brown beehive hair from Friday night, you probably have no idea how close your man friend was from accidently igniting your do with his lighter. I bet you’d be buzzin like a bee then.

To my roommate, you are a douche for losing your key to our room. Now it’s getting a new lock and I need to go suck off a staff member for a new key. Our beds are NOT staying together anymore you simple bastard (“Simple” bastard? Are you insinuating that in your life journey you have encountered complex bastards? Well guess what Kant, I kant agree with you because by my contrapositioning all bastards are bastards and therefore all non-complexities are not non-bastards! Reason yourself out of that one— Double-bonus round epistemological CHALLENGE!!!)

Dear “mod” bitch, you’ve been holding that cup for the past 40 minutes, just tilt the damn thing into your mouth, the liquids are not here for props!

You’re just nursing that thing until it teethes!

I’m running on autopilot!

PERSONALS

Tax Evasion Attempt Day, 2009

“Tax forms 101: Don’t forget to check off the appropriate box if you’re legally blind!”

To teacher who make To the spoon that’s been To all the women in To Matthew McCous do work in exsitting at my desk for the world, you are so naughey on the fourth Make up floor change of a single letter, three days with crusted beautiful. in Lippincott, make us do something milk on the rim, don’t does you no justice, it I would just like to let useful like sex tell anyone how I’m too makes you look like clowns. you know that you are (Unga bunga, get hard dick lazy to get another spoon Dyeing your hair is some- the equivalent to a slice more important than make for my cereal right now thing very unfortunate, your of wonder bread. You natural hair color is wonder- look, walk and act like a useful amount of time and (Nah, you’ll be telling ful, you dying it just makes man. Didnt your mother reread personal for stoop- everyone yourself when you look like an anime ever teach you to stand id errors before sending in) you’re spewing all over character. Doing your nails up straight? Maybe if Sometimes you want to the place. “Dude, I’m tellmakes you look like you you werent so fake all the go, where there’s a toilet ing you! I got spooned!”) dipped your finger tips in time the three other floors quite nearbyyyy, DA DA To the PDA couple at blood.

LOSE SOME of Lippincott MIGHT DA DUM! And it always Brower, next time you start FUCKING WEIGHT, JE- actually know who you knows your naaaame! up on that shit I’m going to vomit flying projectile SUS CHRIST, i was check- are. But in my opinion, I fuck dogs flank steak all over you ing out some chick and i they are better off, conTo the fuck- was like wow you would sidering all you do is ing redheaded be perfect to smash talk shit... and when conidiot in my 9 30 with my dick but your fronted you run scared Tuesday Morn- body might make me in the other direction. my erection You should really learn ing Human Ecol- lose ogy Class..yea (You were the only gentle- to grow a pair and man you, the one in man at Rutgers and you had the fuck up. You have got Debrah Green- to go and stick in that last to be one the most imwoods Class.. sentence. Well, I’ll tell you mature human beings I yup youre the MY BMI is so low you could have ever encountered. We from high only Fucking tell your friends that you graduated smashed a chick for reals!) school in June, sweetheart DOUCHE BAG GINGER in To the insanely large group so i suggest you should there..I Fuck- of bro bros walking down too. And having your (hahaing Cant stand college Ave Friday night, GIRLFRIENDS you..I see you you pussies all look like ha... girlfriends...) do your everywhere..in a bunch of clingy girls, dirty work for you just the gym in both maybe you’ll convince shows what kind of my lectures and one of the frats that you person you truely are jesus christ I saw actually are girls because (You make my fuckin head your goofy ass you aint going nowhere hurt! Is there ANY conon College Ave with your stacked ratio gruence between any of the other night. (No where, you hear! these sentences here? NO! YOURE A NmMM, girl, AINT goLet me respond in a way D O U C H E . . ing NOwhere! That’s you might understand: Every time right boos, shimmy ‘If not write shorter goyou talk you with me, mmmmm!) ing to personals make make the whole To the Fucking Sororsense any. Greek Cheese’) class dumb- ity Cunt in my Bio class, Can your pants be any er..keep your shut the fuck up, SHUT tighter?! No. Because idiotic dumbass THE FUCK UP! You Stuif they were they’d cut remarks to your- pid Ho, you talk non-stop To banana pants: Magilla off your turd cutter. self..we’ll get Gorilla just called and he during lectures, the other (some) (Editor’s note: I never out of class a lot day it was about how your doesn’t appreciate you runwant to see or hear the sooner if it wasnt grade on the last exam was ning off in the morning withphrase “turd cutter” for you..society so shitty, I wonder why! out even checking if you’re again from any of you. ( o n e ) should designate wearing your own pants.

(You know, a Fucking SoJust no. That is where I a campus for all To the guy walking alone rority Cunt is quite a difdraw the line...ima get of you goofy, down Easton at 12:30 at ferent thing from a Stupid the dry heaves now) ( h e l p ) ginger, dumbass, night with a paper plate Ho. That’s like calling Buuuusch campus... fucks...i bet of scalding hot gooey someone a sock puppet and smells like...Formalyou’ll be the pizza that was getting an ugly Bill Cosby sweater dehyde n’ boring shit head of the (me) blown all over the place: in the same frays. That reclass.

Pussy Hey, I’m telling yinz to lisyou’re an absolute mess. ally gets under my skein) ten to Dave over there for There’s two of you! Ah (Well, judging by the What do you call once! We’re stockpiling screwyhotballjuice I don’t time and the location, a black guido? for an all personals issue! know which one’s yooohe just very well may ou! Damned twins, I bet (Someone who saves a lot Tell your friends, tell yo’ be an Absolut mess) you’re the uglier one and on tanning bills. Well, I’m mama...well no, because Paper...so hard...to the hotter one is my FACE! going to get hit by light- we only take submissions write...so frustrated... ning now, have a nice day) from RU students. How AAAAHHHH! IS YOUR maybe I should close do we know you’re from Dear young man tripFOOD NOT SUITABLE the blinds...eventually RU? We see your eden acping balls, I am writUNLESS YOU PICK count when you submit to Pssst!

Hey, wanna EVERY INDIVIDUAL ing this personal right personals@themedium. know a secret? Asian ONION SLICE OFF THE in front of your fucking n e t people cannot drive. CONDIMENTS LINE?! face and you have no idea

If you don’t submit personals then you hate America!

... and Nicolas Sarkozy will be lusting after your young and treasonous booty.

Wednesday, 15 April 2008

PERSONALS

“Dogs don’t know it’s not peanut butter, its the shit on your dick from your date last night!”

My great-grandfather had gingervitis, making me 1/8 ginger. How do I know if I have a soul?

(Simple, you don’t.)

To the frequents of Brower: why do you deem it necessary to walk 3 ppl wide on the fucking ramps?

You 2 poor excuses of men trying to hit on the same chick as you descend the hill block the damned exit all the time! Im sorry, did my shoulder ram into you, making you look like a loser? Too bad! And dont give me that (Ill fuck you up) look...because youre a pathetic, UV light burned, greased up, muscle bulging piece of SHIT! =] ( G u i d o s ? ) To the girl who told me that: why, why, dear God WHY do you have to be so vivid in recalling your horrid escapades!? GROSS! =[ dear (NAMED REMOVED) from the track team, next time you’re out on a run, why don’t you head straight for traffic ya fugly butthole ?

To my girlfriends roommate. Holy shit you are the biggest cunt I have ever known. NOBODY wants to see your bitch ass walk around naked. Also, everyone knows you have a penis, because clearly your boy friend is your bitch.

P.S. Leave the room, forever.

To the Wildwood Police Department: Thank you for doing your job and protecting the community over spring break.

You did a bang-up job breaking up that party. I didn’t need that $250 plus court fees anyway.

To the couple that makes out in EIT every goddamn night: fucking christ... can I get some work done without having you suck each others faces for 10 minutes straight? Can’t you go face-fuck in the mezzanine or something?

Wait, stay away from there, none of the senior design groups want to see your ugly faces either.

Go do that shit somewhere else you fucking s h i t - c u n t s .

dear buck tooth bitch from livingston, I find you to be extremely rude and overweight but I think something can be learned from you... and that’s how much wood a woodchuck would chuck.

(Put her on that show “Ax Men” on the History Channel.) to the kid in brower thursday around noon who tried to throw something at his friend who was walking two tables away - and hit the girl far left about 5 tables away. first of all you throw like a pussy and second of all I’m really surprised your aim was that bad, from the looks of you I would have thought your aim for assholes to be near perfect.

Two single girl geeks looking for the nerds/geeks of their dreams. Apply via personals.

Zombies preferable.

(And everyone who reads this page just came all at once. I can’t wait to see my inbox next week.) to the squirrel-fucking skid mark that writes the frat forum in the targum - give it up man, greeks are about as cool as lukewarm diarrhea. we are better than you. - the n o n - g r e e k s .

(So a shitstain that fucks squirrels? I think you’ve discovered a brand new species, my friend.)

To my scumbag roommate, you’re a pussy and everyone thinks so. Your closest friends tell me everyday.

Everyone laughs at the fact that you can’t handle your roomate getting more ass than you, and that you pee your little pink panties whenever i walk into the room. Can’t wait til the lease is up!

To my roommate, stop fucking burping so much.

You’re making the room smell like your breath and from the smell of it, your breath stinks. Plus I think there’s something wrong with you b/c you’re watching “The Hills” and actually getting in to the show and laughing along with the show, plus you’re a dude which makes this questionable. ( Z Z Z z z z z z z . . . )

Opinions Needed: Is it gay if you were to suck your own clone’s dick? I argue sucking any penis not attached to you is gay, others argue that it’s yours afterall and a clone just makes it more accessable. you be the judge..

(You want my opinion? I think you’re a stupid shithead for making me read that.) that definitely was NOT wonderwoman, in a sexy kind of way.

To the asshole in the corner in Greek Christianity: Must you insist on being THAT guy? That obnoxious, ass-kissing cocksucking motherfucker that exists in every class?

Please, for the love of god, shut your fucking mouth. No one appreciates your pathetic attempts at humor and we all see through how you kiss the professor’s ass every fucking week. Seriously, do you lick her asshole at office hours or something? Sorry, but all that sucking up won’t make up for the total lack of tact and intelligence that you have.

Every time you speak, I and everyone around me just cringes and thinks of collectively slitting your throat and fucking the wound. I’m looking forward to seeing you fail the class despite your lame attempts at succeeding.

You’re more annoying than fucking Forrest Gump who sits in the front of the room asking the most retarded questions imaginable and causing my brain to rot. May 2,000 chainsaws be shoved into your ass, twat.

To the girl who who has slept on the blow up mattress in my neighbors room since August, ALL OF TINSLEY FORTH FLOOR HATES YOU. I am writing to tell you YOU DONT LIVE HERE. If you call the duty phone on us one more time for having a social life on Thursday & Friday nights, I am going to take your boyfriends lacrosse stick and shove it down your throat.

The RA is on a mission to catch you having sex in the shower with your boyfriend at prime time shower time.

So here’s a hint - take the 2 second walk back to Frelinghuysen before someone takes a shit on your blow up m a t t r e s .

Oh and take off the fucking Rutgers Lacrosse fleece with your boyfriends name on it and wash it for once BUT DON’T USE OUR WASHER MACHINE. (That was funny right up until you mentioned the washing machine.

Way to leave us all with comic blue balls, bitch.) to the creepy burnout kid in hardenbergh 5 who hangs out in the lounge 24/7, for love of fucking god take of that shit smelling hat that seems to be glued to your head by grease and take a fucking shower. also, do you have a life? or did god need you to fill a quota of losers who dont know what life is like outside a hardenbergh lounge?

To the troll in my legal rights class.

Please refrain from touching me.

Your face is disproportionate to your tiny body. Go back to your bridge, creep.

THE MIDDLE Meatwad is just a wad of meat.

(No shit, asswipe.) i aks you how does people not know grammer! i write good i dont know what there problem is. i cant believe their so dum! learn too right stupid or dont dp it at all i cant tell you how many people i see that cant ever tipe! i dont know witch scholl they gone two or weather they was even teached. listen to thewhat i sayed and stop being stupid! OR I WILL KICK YOU IN THE BUT!!

STUPID!!!!!11 (Ok, submitter, I know this was a joke (since you indicated it), but you still fail.)

To the girl who sits in front of me in English on Wednesdays: you smell like 10 day old fast food. Take a shower you skanky bitch. It’s people like you that add to New Jersey’s polluted air.

(Our air isn’t polluted, it just has a nice aroma and taste to it!)

To the super sexy blonde in RFR: I want you.

(What’s stopping you?

Too chicken shit?)

To RUPD: I bet you fucking shitheaded pigs are getting your baby oil ready and you assholes spread for all the fun you’re going to try to have on 4/20. I’ll be keeping my keen stoner eyes out for you when you try to disrupt our sacred festivities on Monday. Fuck you all in the unlubricated asshole a thousand times for every person you arrest on Monday.

To Kal Penn: fuck your political ambitions. Go back to being Dr. Lawrence Kutner so I can masturbate to you every monday night for an hour during House!

YOU WILL SUBMIT A LOT OF PERSONALS SO THAT WE CAN HAVE AN ALL-PERSONALS ISSUE IN 2 WEEKS... SERIOUSLY, IF YOU WANT TO SEE AN ALL-PERSONALS ISSUE IN 2 WEEKS, GET OFF YOUR ASSES AND START WRITING AND SUBMITTING THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS TO PERSONALS@THEMEDIUM.NET. WE ARE GOING TO NEED A TON OF SUBMISSIONS TO MAKE THIS WORK, SO FUCKING STEP IT UP AND GET CRACKIN’!

THE WHAT’S SHAKIN’ April 15th, 2009 MEDIUM You Better Remember...

What’s Shakin’?

“Dooooon’t Stop, Belieeeeeeevin!”

4/25 @ Rutgers University - Rutgers Day! This is my second plug for Rutgers Day, which means you better go to it. RUPA just made an announcement that Kanye is performing, to benefit the AHF, short for the Aquatic Homosexuality Fund. Yea, South Park.

4/31 @ NYC - Modest Mouse, Daft Punk, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, and LCD Soundsystem playing at The Lonely Moosehoof on 6th and Low St. No charge at the door, but if you look really excited you won’t get in. Hipsters don’t give a fuck, learn up fool.

5/13 @ Rutgers University - Last day of exams. Be ready to say to your friends, “Dude let’s go and get blasted!” and then walk around for an hour before you realize four dudes aren’t getting into any frats unless you blow one of the brothers (see: Pledge) or you have approximately 36 girls with you.

5/14 @ Robert Wood Johnson - You actually brought 36 girls with you to Delta Phi? Holy crap, no wonder the brothers beat you up, you just proved that you’re more man than all of ‘em put together. Why did you even go to the frat? You had all those girls! Well, cheer up, sir, for you are the kind of man who needs not frats.

5/25 @ Columbia, MO - Open Mic Night at The Blue Fugue. Yea booyyeeee! You all know what this is about, The Fugue has the best OMN anywhere, and that’s where I will be on the 25th. Drunk out of my mind, singing Journey in order to impress some skank.

Contest Results!

Ok, if you remember this, then you beat me this week.

“Batman Fights Dracula” was a movie released in 1967 in the Philippines. I assume (provided that the director was kickass) that the movie ends with Batman becoming a vampire, and by proxy, totally deadly awesome. However, because the Philippines values brow-sweat and cocaine more than movies, there are no living copies of this fine piece of cinema remaining.

On an interesting side-note, a few years later, Andy Warhol made a film called “Batman Dracula” which he showed at his art exhibits. I haven’t seen the work, and I can only assume that it involves lots of gay sex. Ask someone at the weiveR about it. ;)

Who’s The A-King?

[Editor’s Note: I’M THE FUCKING A-KING] Adapt

Alan Hart wants a man that sparks a jazz-sax. Fans start a small spat as sad cats blast back; bandstand drama and swank claps. Alan calls Mark, asks what ballads can craft.

Fans clap as slash-rap falls and rasp-jazz calms a harsh man’s wrath.

Data charts laws as man charts land; ban a dark hatch that can’t grasp stars and rats. Mars can’t cast warmth; plants attach an awkward branch at flaps and jags. Bad-ass Arab charms Allah, says “Abracadabra” as bangs blast away altars and pads. Can a daft clan appall vandals?

Ask a man, bananas and salads attract gals. Pasta and crab attacks Sarah’s walls and tracts; harms. Fat wax lasts.

Holding Auditions For: “Sex: We’re Having Sex” Wednesday, Today. Dick.

Busch Campus Center Room 115 @ 9:30 PM Winner! - “It’s what mommy does with the mail man.”

Honorable Mention - “With a solid crunch Hammy commenced his journey to childhood obesity.”

Super Special Note:

The Medium, yea, the paper you’re holding, will be producing a super special edition that features ALL PERSONALS! Submit, submit, submit! This is your chance to tell us how gay your roommate is, or how gay you are. Yay!