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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
Volume XLV Issue XVIII
50¢
April 10th, 2013
RICE, RICE, BABY
FIRED BASKETBALL COACH TO PURSUE LIFE LONG PASSION OF SYMPHONIC HARP PLAYING BY SUM DUM JOO EDITOR IN CHIEF
NEW BRUNSWICK--While former Men’s Basketball coach Mike Rice Jr. may not be stepping onto the court any time soon, he may step onto a new playing field: the orchestra pit. Rice, who was terminated on Friday after a public outcry in reference to a video showing him physically abusing players forced him out of office, will now return to his home in Little Silver, New Jersey and dust off his harp, an instrument he has played since his youth. “The harp calms me the fuck down,” said Rice in an interview Monday. “I haven’t had the chance to play since these dipshits at Rutgers asked me to take on the Head Coach position.” The harp, a multi-stringed instrument played upright, is known for its soft melodic sounds, often used to calm listeners in sonatas and choral odes. “I identify with the harp. I feel
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like- SHIT MOTHERFUCKING FAGGOT PIECE OF SHIT,” said Rice as he broke yet another of the instrument’s many strings by pulling on it too hard. “I am glad Mike is doing something constructive,” said
NEWS IN PICTURES
Interim Basketball coach Walter Jones. “I recall hearing him hum Strauss’s Etude in C in between long strings of curse words directed at players during daily practices.” Continued on Page 2
Seniors preparing melancholy playlists and 'crying faces' for upcoming graduation Targum wins Pulitzer Prize for abstract 'blank front page'
KISS MY CLASS
Kansas City Chiefs Trade Number Professor Concerned About Too One Draft Pick For Salisbury Steak; Many Students Attending Class: Side of Coleslaw "What are They Doing? Don't
They Have Lives?"
BY BUBBLY TOES STAFF WRITER
FROM THE CITY OF BROTHERLY BLUB Andy "Cheesesteak" Reid takes a much needed breath between sentences as he measures the size of his appetite.
NEW BRUNSWICK --A new trend is spreading at Rutgers like the new grass seed on College Avenue: student attendance to class has grown exponentially over the past three weeks, and professors are in shock and awe. As of now no explanations have been made for the odd occurrence, which has completely thrown off professors who are used to teaching only a fraction of their students. Psychology Professor Robert Rockway is among those who are extremely nervous about the growing attendance. “Do they not smoke weed at their frat houses and day drink on the quad...? Pussies,” Rock-
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ESTABLISHED 1970
way said. But underneath his slipshod tone, his worries go deeper. “If students start attending classes, their social lives will suffer tremendously. Student morale will be down, and stress will go up, and that all leads to one thing... suicide.” Rockway’s hypothesis of class attendance leading to suicide has been studied extensively at other universities such as Cornell, where the ratio of students to students-hit-by-trains is particularly high. The theory attracting the most attention, however, is one from Penn State, which associates students’ shame in the wake of a scandal as the cause for them Continued on Page 2