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March 9th, 2016
Volume LI Issue VII 50¢ THIS IS THE REAL GIFT
ENGLISH MAJOR PENS BEAUTIFULLY WRITTEN BURGER KING APPLICATION BY NED FLANDERS DATING DTS'S SISTER
PISCATAWAY—Graduation is just two short months away, which means it's time for English majors to decide what they want to be when they grow up. For some, it's a teacher. For some, it's a stripper, or perhaps an alcoholic. But Angelica Vikander can't be held down by stereotypes. Angelica strives to become a Burger King employee. On Saturday, Angelica made the most important decision of her young life: applying to the Burger King Fast-Food Emporium Extraordinaire (as she likes to call it) in the Busch Sampus Center in Piscataway. As witnesses account, she confidently strolled in, asked for an application, and promptly began filling it out at a nearby table. "Most people take under five minutes to complete the
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application. After about fifteen minutes I saw Ms. Vikander pull out some more paper, so I thought she was doing homework and forgot about Burger King like most people do. Then she came back three hours
later and handed me a stack of papers. I was very confused," Burger King Manager Leonardo DiScorpio explained, happy to be holding his new gold crown Continued on Page 2
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PETER, PAUL, AND POTTY
Seminary Stalls Serve Confessions BY SAWYER SACRAMENTAL JUICE EDITOR
NEW BRUNSWICK—Recent reviews of visitor logs at New Brunswick Theological Seminary prove that since the building's 2015 renovation, an increased number of students have visited for religious reasons. "Universities tend to promote some sinful hedonism. Those I've spoken to get sloppy drunk and sexually promiscuous Friday, recover from hangovers Saturday, and seek absolution Sunday," explained Reverend Martin O'Doule. Students leaving O'Doule's Sunday mass were eager to explain that they don't all belong to that group of wayward Christians. Tiffany DiMarco, a Food Science junior shared her reasons: "I've always been
RIPPING ASS Since 1970
religious. Just look how blue my boyfriend's balls are! Bible study is my way of becoming closer to Jesus. But most of the time, I come by to use the beautiful new bathrooms." Many congregants shared this detail about their business at the Seminary. Todd Ryan, a vagrant-about-town, explained that he bathes in the Thompson Hall bathroom shower but will only defecate in the Seminary's booths. "The new bathrooms are nice, but I prefer the less-often occupied velvety lined ones with the wicker screen. The guy one stall over was also really forgiving of my more nauseating dumps. "Problem is you have to bring your own toilet paper. All they have in there's a Bible with a few page missing."