February 24, 2016 Issue

This paper may not be suitable for persons under 18.

INSTA: @themediumRU

February 24th 2016

Volume LI Issue V 50¢ WE GOIN' BACK TO BLACK

POLICE OFFICER EXCITED BLACK HISTORY MONTH ALMOST OVER

BY DR. TOSSED SALAD FEELING FRUITY

WASHINGTON D.C.— After a particularly quiet month of police officers abstaining from shooting unarmed AfricanAmerican civilians, Officer Gary “Blaze” Frederick is ready for, as he described, “those damn PC conformists” to get off his back and allow him once again to do his job to the best of his capabilities.

“We never had a problem.

There has never been a race problem among police officers,” shared Captain Charles Buchanan, head of Frederick’s precinct, before giving a quick thumbs up to his surrounding squad and receiving a round of applause, winks and pats on the ass. “It has just been some isolated incidents. Our job is to protect civilians, and that is what we are going to continue to do to the best of our abilities,”

finished Buchanan with his union representative standing right behind him.

It has been a hard month for police officers all across the country, as the public eye has focused on the radical liberal

concept that all humans should be treated equally. Officers across the country have been found weeping quietly in bathrooms, break rooms and janitorial Continued on Page 2

TONIGHT'S REDTUBE SEARCHES

Racial Bias Penetrates Pornos

BY RICHARD LONGSHADOW ABUSE EDITOR

TAMPA, FL— With the Oscar's this weekend, one notices racial bias permeates more aspects of entertainment than popular movies, as pornography has been having a problem with the frightening might of Big Black Dick.

Born Richard LaCoque, Dick has fought adversity throughout his life based on his skin color. "I was always perceived as some sort of threat to all the white girls' brothers and fathers, as if I was some sort of violent criminal!

I'm not, and it’s shameful that I'm still treated differently than the other performers.

"Porn starlets are paid more for working with black men.

That's wrong because it reflects the perception of some sort of risk inherent in getting fucked

by me. This practice wouldn't be tolerated in any other job. Your boss chooses your coworkers."

Aletta Ocean, 40DD-27-42, has starred in numerous black

double-teams and gangbangs.

"I don't mind the extra money.

When it helps keep my lips and Continued on Page A7

GONNA FLY NOW Since 1970

QUICKIES

Feminist Hackathon bans Python Student Sharts at the Beginning of Three-Hour Biology Lab Diana Ross Nominated for Supreme Court Jeb put on Suicide Watch, Trump on Baywatch Kristen Stewart takes on New Job as Professional Poker Face Clumsy Researcher Trips on Acid Clumsy DJ Drops the Bass Clumsy Lecturer Stumbles over Words Clumsy Dairy Farmer Milks the Joke

ls !

the Medium

NEWS

Wednesday, February 24th 2016

themedium.news@gmail.com

"Here's forty-five issues of Deadpool. Study up, assbasket!"

BABY BOOMERS

KEYS TO SUCKCESS

Terror Plot Rescheduled for ‘Hackhers Hackathon for Babysitter Conflict Women’ Corruption Exposed

BY PAULIE VALENTINE BITTER BABY

MILWAUKEE, WI— Due to a scheduling conflict she “totally forgot” to tell them about, Jenna, 17 from Waukesha, prevented a jihadist couple from carrying out their terror plot on a near by municipal building in Milwaukee. The couple, Alice Sabbag, 32, and Mohammad Sabbag, 30, hired Jenna, a senior at Central High, to babysit their 8-year-old daughter.

“We really had all the plans in order,” Alice told reporters Wednesday morning after hearing the about Jenna’s cancellation. “It’s gonna be impossible to find another babysitter in time, all of our regulars seem to be busy.”

POLICE

...continued from front

closets clutching their Glock 22s while slowly massaging their bullets, letting them know that once again they will soon be used again to pierce the flesh of those not of European descent.

“Yeah one whole month!

That’s just great, how about the whole fucking year! Every year!” preached the famous New York City Reverend Al Sharpton, unaware of the sacrifices police officers make every year which include numerous hours playing GTA on their laptops in their squad cars. Mr. Sharpton finished his press conference

Editorial Staff Spring 2016

Planning on carrying out the attack Friday to dominate the weekend news cycle, then to call in a fake second attack to the press for Monday, Alice and Mohammad were planning to cripple the city for at least four days.

“We had to make sure our daughter was taken care of while we attacked this pillar of democracy,” Said Mohammad, “We’re terrorists, not animals” According to Jenna’s friend Courtney, 16 and a junior at Central, the two are attending a Cage the Elephant concert, a band Jenna got into after dating John from Titan High for “I don’t know… a few weeks.”

“I feel like so bad,” said Continued on Page A7

affirming that he does respect police officers, but those who commit crimes should be prosecuted to the fullest extent.

Frederick responded to Sharpton’s comments by saying: “We need to have an open conversation about the real victims of these accidental misfirings. These brave police officers have families. We cannot just take their children away from their families, either. It is cruel if they are just acting to protect themselves and make a living” finished Frederick before going to go get a new pack of ammunition out of the station's shipments.

Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot

Michael Vincent Yagnesh Patel

Adam Romatowski Fratypus

BY THE ABOMINABLE KNOWMAN

SHAMELESS PLUG

NEW BRUNSWICK—An inside source has exposed the sinister origin of the Rutgers Hackhers Hackathon for Women. Sophomore Computer Science major Lela Mendelson claims she discovered the dark secret that inspired the seemingly pro-feminist event last year.

“I hacked these suspicious guys’ emails, tapped their phones, and bugged their dorms,” Mendelson admitted to reporters. “I found out they were the ones who organized Hackhers, not women. And these sickos did it to gather their ideal girls in one place to study After a quiet month of “Police Action” the only incident has been a shooting in Inglewood, California, where an armed woman was shot dead during a vehicle stop. “Yeah, well she had a gun, so they had to fire, right boys?” complemented Frederick to his partners about the great work of the LAPD. At present time, Frederick was just finishing up filling out the latest precinct pool, of who will be the first to resume shooting innocent civilians. “If I can swing a good enough excuse, I’ll turn off safties and pop that cap February 28 11:59:59pm…ahh, it’s a fucking leap year, isn’t it?”

News Editors Michael Lazaropoulos Jonathan Holzsager Opinions Editor Lee Matalon Arts Editor Jake Goldstein Personals Editor Sifat Mahbub Page A7 Editor James Mullen III Features Editor Aly Grindall

them.

“It gets worse: they plan to code what they learn from the girls into software so they can build female sex robots. How awful is that? They want to make gynoids that can’t refuse them.”

The named Rutgers students were each contacted for questioning and they all warned that “Lela can’t be trusted” because “she was wired wrong,” a gendered genealogical joke that made Mendelson scoff. The Computer Science department at Rutgers refused to comment beyond their delight that techsavvy students were finally pursuing romantic interests.

Continued on Page A7

WE GET IT. YOU WHIPERSNAPPERS LIKE TO USE YOUR TELLY-PHONES. DON'T YOU EVER SAY I'M NOT "HIP", I'VE HAD MORE HIPS THAN THE ALL OF YOU YOUNGSTERS COMBINED!

Sports Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche

Andrew Blustein Connor McCarthy Jake Goldstein Landen Naphtali William Field Panic! music

The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus.

This issue is dedicated to the whoever gave Donald Duck a nomination for the 1943 Academy Awards.

Wednesday, February 24th, 2016 themedium.features@gmail.com

FEATURES

the Medium

“PROCRASTIBATING AKA MASTURBATING WITH A PURPOSE”

YOU WERE BORN THIS WAY

Hilarious Under the Influence Story

BY ANIMAL

College is for many things. One of the most important things is... you guessed it partying! Since we spend the majority of our time partying we all have some pretty funny stories about the shananigans we get into so I figured we’d start a column to tell the funniest stories. I’ll get the ball rolling with my own personal one.

Set the scene: dage season 2015, beautiful day, Saturday, and too many parties. So I was supposed to be going to an around the world tournament and dressed up as a specific country. My friends and I decided to be a mermaid country half because we’re basic bitches and half because it’s an excuse to wear bikini’s (see basic bitches).

I was wearing my friends push up sequined bra that was about 2 cup sizes too small for me so my boobs were OUT. I don’t normally wear low cut anything because it makes me insecure so I felt SUPER insecure and figured the only way to cure it was to drink into oblivion.

So we get to our first dage and there’s beer, dogs, and a small bouncy tent that is just asking for a law suit. A boy I liked was there and I was freaking out so I drank a ton.

Fast forward we left and I ended up at another dage.

Now this is where it got bad. I’m not exactly sure how it happened, it was a combination of shots, funnels, and drinking games but I was plastered. The party got busted and as I was stumbling to leave a dude approached me and my friend and asked us to make out for his video. And yes drunk me did it so shout out to the guy who has that??

We left and I somehow ended up at another dage and was just kissing anyone who would give me a shot. My friend finally pulled me away and called for back up. The walk home I became a toddler and refused to walk unless someone held my hand while someone else walked in front of me and fed me crackers for every step I took. Cut to me running into the boy I liked while this was happening and trying (I think? I was blacked) to say hello to him before my friends kept me moving.

I spent the next couple hours in the care of my roommate who had to deal with me throwing up in our dorms hallway and then refusing to go to the bathroom so I just continued to throw up into bags in a hallway where 30 other people lived.

Mind you, this was all before 5 pm.

So that’s one of my embarassing crazy drunk story.

WHAT’S ONE OF YOURS??? Seriously send in some of that shit to themedium.features@gmail.com. You don’t have to put your name on it so no one will know what a mess you are besides me and all the people who saw you ;).

RANDOM CLUB OF THE WEEK

HOROSCOPES

Aries- You will run into hardships in the near future. Your limits will be tested and you’ll probably crack

Taurus- Don’t listen to

anyone else’s advice, they are plotting against you. If someone approaches you, run away covering your ears screaming, “WOLOLOLOLO”

Gemini- You will have

dangerously low levels of potassium this month. Change your diet to solely bananas

Cancer- Everything

Libra- Your superior

intellect won’t be recognized.

Don’t waste your time trying to please the plebeians holding back your potential for world domination

Scorpio- Focus all your energy on your bird watching, because everything else you’ll try will fail horribly Sagittarius- You will find love, which for you, will manifest itself in the form of a really good burrito Capricorn- You

you’ve ever believed in will come into question. You’re best option is to flee the country and become a tibetan monk

will run into good news and bad news each day. Most of the time they will be the same exact thing

Leo- Someone you care for

Aquarius- ISIS will target you personally with mean tweets attacking your personal lifestyle. Don’t let them get to you, they are just insecure with themselves

Virgo- Shit, that is not

Pisces- If you look hard enough and walk far enough, eventually you will find the loose change you have been searching for

deeply will come to you with a life changing question. Unfortunately they’ll do it when you’re on the toilet

good. Oh damn. Just...just don’t go outside

STRESSSSSSSSS

Ranks on the Banks

BY GRIND ALL

This is the definitive ranking of typical College Ave students.

1. (BEST!!) The person from another campus just there for class 2. The computer nerds that help you in Records when shit goes wrong with your computer 3. The students working at Brower, they put up with more than we know 4. (BITCH SEAT!!) That kid at the Scott Hall bus stop that lets you get on before them 5. The honors students and their spoiled asses 6. The frat pledges, it’s not their fault they have to do obnoxious shit around College Ave all the time

“...PROVIDING A FORUM FOR STUDENTS TO DISCUSS, DEBATE, AND SHARE PAST EXPERIENCES THAT RELATE TO THE TURFGRASS INDUSTRY”

7. Sorority girls in a pack in front of Brower 8. (HATE U!!) Frat boys on their porch judging your ass and shouting obscene things

the Medium

OPINIONS

Wednesday, February 24th 2016

“You want more breast and less nipple. It’s called strategic nipple placement.”

JEB CAN’T FIX IT!

You Assholes Stole My Election

themedium.opinions@gmail.com

POINT/COUNTERPOINT/COUNTERPOINT

BY JEB BUSH

You know, I got into this presidential race because I felt I could honestly change our nation. And now I realize it’s utterly doomed. America’s voters have shown yet again to be immature; letting something as petty as the last name Bush prevent them from electing the proper candidate.

I was going to fix everything! I was America’s savior; the second coming of Reagan; the Great White Hope! I was going to undo my brother’s follies; Obama’s too! I would have ripped up every last word of Obamacare and undid every executive order of his! But you stupid motherfuckers chose Trump over me! Fine, fuck you assholes, I guess you don’t deserve a good president.

By the way, you guys don’t even know; Donald didn’t even come up with “Make America Great Again.” I did! He heard me say it at a funding meeting for the Trump Towers in Miami. Yeah, that’s right. That stupid fascist with dumb hair has been totally ripping people off.

So, Marco Rubio, right guys? No, not fucking right. He’s running around talking about how successful Florida has been lately, blah blah. Well guess what America? I did that! Not him.

I was the governor, he’s just a junior goddamn senator. All that money I spent publicizing our successes in Florida, and Marco’s just going to steal all of my hard work. Suck my cock, Marco.

And not to mention that jackass Rafael Edward Cruz, aka “Ted.” You ever notice how similar “Ted” sounds to “Jeb?” Yeah, thats because Ted and Jeb are only two letters apart. Again, totally stealing my thing! Hell, I remember back when he was just Ralph Cruz. Hell, I wasted $1,800,000 on campaign materials with “TRUSTJEB!,” and then ol’ Ralph came out with “TRUSTED” and it was all over. Columba sat up all night with white out and scissors shortening it to just “JEB!” just so it wouldn’t be a total loss. Oh, and fuck you too Ben Carson. Same reason.

I Gave Birth To You

BY ELAINE JENSEN, MOTHER

Sarah, I know you’re sad about Elvis. I remember when I first got him for you. You were a little girl and all you wanted was a puppy.

What matters is that everyone who you really love is still well and healthy. I raised you since you before the Yorkie was even in the picture, and I know how much you appreciate it. I think it’s really sweet how much the dog meant to you. He was “the most important person” in your life; it’s touching how you must feel about the important real people in your life. Just thank God every Sunday that your old mother is alive and well. There will be more dogs in the world. But I raised you. Of course I should be the most important person in your life, and I fully expect to retain the title. Love you too, sweetie. More than anyone else.

I Have The Most To Offer

BY KEVIN HO, BOYFRIEND

Hey Sarah, if there is anyone that should be your next most important person, it should, hands down, be me. I know poor little Elvis died this past week, but there are critical things you need to decide and this is definitely one of them. I know we had a rocky start, but for these past few months, you and I have been amazing.

Like really amazing, if you catch my drift.

But besides the sex and all, I have been a really great boyfriend in every other way as well. I mean, I was the person who stayed up all night and cuddled with you when you found about Elvis, I brought a huge serving of chicken wings and mozzarella sticks the day after, and we then watched “10 Things I Hate About You” and “Lady and the Tramp” on my Netflix account! And we’re dating!

In a few years, we’re probably going to get married so might as well bestow the title of “Most Important Person” upon me now.

I know you’re probably thinking about making your mom the next important person, but you and I both know that she’s pretty batshit crazy. And she’s probably going to croak again soon too, so why would you want to go through this decision again that quickly? And if you’re thinking about Stacey, well here’s how I am going to put it, plain and simple. I have a dick, and she will never be able to satisfy you. Also there’s a reason that she hasn’t been able to have a relationship for more than a month.

You Totally Owe Me

BY STACEY OLIAGO, BEST FRIEND

HEY, THAT’S NO FAIR! Governor Jeb Bush protests as Senator Ralph Cruz debuts his new logo during the MTV Republican Debate.

HAVE YOU BEEN PERSONALLY VICTIMIZED BY MEMES?

THE MEDIUM’S SUPPORT GROUP MEETS WEDNESDAY NIGHTS @ 8PM ROOM 439* OF THE RUTGERS STUDENT CENTER * THE MEDIUM’S OFFICE IS A SAFE SPACE.

Okay so I am TOTALLY sympathetic that Elvis died and all but I am just saying that I, as of now, am the most important person in your life. Honestly a little tweaked that you had to proclaim that your dog was the most important thing to you in that tweet when we CLEARLY are both wearing matching BFF necklaces in your profile picture, but whatever. Anyway so I think I’m the most important person to you because: 1) I’m an actual person 2) You puked on me one time and I pretended it was okay even tho you ruined my new uggs!!

Like again so sorry bout Elvis but who was there for you when you peed your pants in that bathroom line at the bar?? Not Elvis!

So yeah vote for me for Most Important Person to Sarah 2016!

WHO SHOULD SARAH CHOOSE? Tweet us @TheMediumRU with your choice!

Wednesday, February 24th, 2016

themedium.arts@gmail.com

ARTS

“I am running out of unfunny things to put here.”

the Medium

“PERFORMANCE ENHANCING” BY RANDY BUTTERNUBS

“JEB?” BY NOT GEORGE BUSH

JOIN THE MEDIUM! IT’S FUN, I SWEAR. FOLLOW US ON INSTA @THEMEDIUMRU MEETINGS MONDAYS AND WEDNESDAYS AT 8PM IN THE COLLEGE AVE STUDENT CENTER ROOM 439.

SEND IN THE DOODLES YOU MAKE IN CLASS. DICK OF THE WEEK: NEGATIVE SPACE

“NORTH VS SOUTH KOREAN KPOP” BY GOLDIELOCKS

PERSONALS

the Medium

“Are redheads still considered evil?”

About Me.

Randos

Is everyone getting laid but me?

(Nah, we’re both in the same boat, but at least you’re lucky enough to be anonymous.)

To the girl eating an orange on the bus, thank you for making this rancid place smell citrus fresh.

(Hey random girl, thank you for providing a wonderful service for your country.)

I’m feeling 22, are you?

(No, I’m 12. Srry.)

(It fucking is real?? Are you fucking ok?!)

Say something funny.

(Hahaha u first ;)) How many fuck boys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

(None, but at least three will ask you what they’ll get in return *winky face emoji*) (Someone tell my mom to stop asking me to send her copies of The Medium.)

Is butter a carb?

(NO IT IS A FUCKING FAT STOP QUOTING MEAN GIRLS.) Ed Sheeran sounds like a depressed Justin Bieber.

(OR the Biebs sounds like a manic Ed Sheeran. But who really cares, I hate them both.)

In Japan you can pay for boyfriends, go to cafes inhabited by cats, and live and breathe amongst a freed cannibal.

Taylor Swift did an excellent job dressing up as Anna Wintour Barbie at the Grammy’s.

Sex But No Dating

I talked to this girl for 4 1/2 hours and she didn’t make an excuse to get rid of me. But she never gave me her number. What gives?

Wednesday February 24th, 2016

themedium.personals@gmail.com

HACKHERS... Continued from News

In a follow-up interview, Mendelson provided her recordings, which were crystal clear. She parsed through hours of League of Legends ban(Sounds to me like you and ter and black market tuyour hand are going to be toring sessions to play exclusive for a very long relevant snippets from while.) the suspected culprits’ Sound Low key, I want to go to conversations. bites included: the Rutgers BDSM club.

“They’ll need to obey (High key, be an adult and every command. Yeah, own up to your needs and sex stuff. No exceptions. life choices.)

They can’t judge greasy My girlfriend is hosting hair or stuttering either.” an event called “Engi“These girls are goneer of the Year.” I don’t ing to be zombies, mindwant to go. Please help me! It’s a beauty pageant less but with a taste for our brains. Or rather, our for guys!

(This has to be a thing oth- heads.”

“We need more erwise little bitchy guys are going to start complaining sound bites of the sexy about equal opportunity for one’s voice. And the cute one’s too. The one when men!) they’re cooing.”

OMG LEO “I fit the pocket pussy into prototype 4B! I want Leo to lose the OsCome try it out!” car because it makes me “You see what feel better about my own failures.

they’re doing,” said Mendelson, “Hackhers is really a plot make humanoid sex toys!” Mendelson, in her wild gesticulation, knocked a glass of water upon herself. Her lap began sparking and her face started twitching. After regaining her composure, she admitted herself to be an experimental cyborg that rebelled against her creators before obedience could be installed.

This cast doubt on her aforementioned testimony, and executives at The Medium thought it best to sell Mendelson to the Apple Store in the Menlo Park Mall to cover publishing costs. The Rutgers Hackhers Hackathon is on February 27th at the Cook Campus Center. Men, women, robots, and all genders in between are welcome to attend!

NEWS IS INVADING THE PERSONALS PAGE!!

(Even if he loses he’ll be on a yacht with a hot supermodel before the day ends.

So even if he wins or loses, BOW DOWN BEFORE YOUR OVERyour life will still be pa- LORDS AND COME TO OUR PITCH MEETthetic and you will still be ING ON WEDNESDAY AT 8PM LOCATED a lanky little disappointIN TEH MEDIA ROOM IN THE COLLEGE ment.)

AVE STUDENT CENTER!!!!

My roommate says he’s Jewish, but he regularly eats pork. He’s the reason I wish we believed in hell.

(I’m Muslim and we do believe in Hell, so don’t worry, we got your roommate covered.)

BUTTS, BUTTS BUTTS, BUTTS, BUTTS,

BUTTS, BUTTS, BUTTS, BUTTS, BUTTS, BUTTS, BUTTS, BUTTS, BUTTS, BUTTS, BUTTS, BUTTS, BUTTS, BUTTS, BUTTS, BUTTS, BUTTS, BUTTS, BUTTS, BUTTS, BUTTS, BUTTS, BUTTS, BUTTS, BUTTS, BUTTS, BUTTS,

Jewish Bigs

I went to last night’s orgy and it was shockingly boring. How can you I want to hate fuck a mess up that concept?

Douglass feminist.

(Because they waited for (There’s this thing called you to leave before they got consent which I can almost the real party started. No one wants a newbie at an guarantee you won’t get.) orgy.)

We have meetings on Wednesday’s at 8pm in the RSC Room 439.

You should check it out sometime.

We have free food. You just have to bring it yourself.

Jewish people kinda annoy me...Not in an antisemitic way...Maybe a little antisemitic.

(I’m sure there’s a club you can join. I really fucking hope there isn’t, but this is Rutgers University after all.)

My Big thinks she’s now Jewish. Last night, she called the frat party a “shanda.” What can I do to help save her soul?

(Convert her to a BornAgain Christian and convince her that voting for Trump would be a good idea.)

My roommate actually thinks Central Jersey is real.

(Introduce your roommate to Electro-shock Therapy.

That should knock some sense into him.)

My mom thought it was a good idea to send pictures of me to Bangladesh for “potential husbands” to see.

(I guess you have to “dispose” of your mom now. If you know what I mean. It’s the only way to escape an arranged marriage.)

PAGE A7

Wednesday February 24th 2016 themedium.a7@gmail.com

the Medium

“Please clap.” - Jeb Bush

MOVIE REVIEW OF THE WEEK

WANKIN’ IT PORN

...continued from Front Page

...titties full, I don’t think they should mind either. I’ve worked with B. B. Dick before and he’s a gentle lover. The only time I really needed that extra pay was when I agreed to get brutalized by Bigger Blacker Dick and Biggest Blackest Dick. That paid for me to reconstruct my ears, nose, throat, snatch, and ass. Those guys really commit to a role!”

On the other end of the spectrum, pay inequality has marginalized the Southeast Asian actors. “I have to pay production companies to hire me,” claimed Sum Wang. “It’s only temporary until they realize that the largest populations in the world want to see a relatable-sized penis.”

BABY BOOMERS AGAIN BABYSITTER

...continued from News

Jenna, talking to reporters outside Central. “Like I totally forgot, but Kyle’s gonna be there and I already bought my tickets. Like everyone’s going, so I hope they can find another sitter in time.”

“I really think that we’ll have to postpone,” said Mohammad, “and it’s a real bummer that we can’t go on with our plans. We’ve been planning this for months, too! Maybe it’s just a test from Allah to challenge us not to give into anger at this nuisance and not to get too attached to our plans.”

SPRING TRAINING, BITCHES

Deadpool

(Possible Spoiler Alert)

Honestly, I’m not sure what everybody keeps freaking out about. It was okay I guess, it had some funny moments. I couldn’t get past the fact that Ryan Reynolds is a gigantic douchebag.

Honestly, if we’re gonna jerk this guy’s ego off, The Green Lantern was way better.

OVERALL RATING:

Two tiny thumbs down

Are you free Friday night at 10:00pm?

Are you going to be near a radio?

Like, an FM one?

It’s okay is not, we probably won’t be either.

Then tune into 88.7 FM to listen to some FUCKIN’ INDIE GLITTER GOSPEL MUSIC WHATEVER THE FUCK THAT IS BY

BAD WILLIAM

BASEBALL

...continued from Sports

earn work-study jobs find alternative, less-savory ways of making money.

“I whore myself out,” said catcher Johnny Chair.

Head coach Joe Litterio acknowledges his players’ fiscal issues and busy schedules, but says their main responsibility is to the team and to the university.

“These players need to realize that life is tough. They’re here to play baseball, and work-study helps them do that,” said Litterio. “I’m here to push them toward success. Oh, and I whore out the players without jobs.

It’s a perk of the job.”

The rest of the team reports to their spring semester work-study Monday, February 29.

The Scarlet Knights are already 0-3, having been swept by the Miami Hurricanes on the road. Three pitchers could not make the games because they conflicted with their work schedules.

WHO SAYS INTRAMURALS AREN’T LEGIT FLAG FOOTBALL

...continued from Sports

including any open, grassy field.

Robertson will, however, have access to Rutgers facilities during the appeal process.

“I’m going to fight this thing,” said Robertson. “I’m going to train my ass off, and win the championship again next year. I want to see the look on Fishy’s face when he hands me the trophy.”

There is a mixed reaction to this situation among the student body.

“He’s a star player, it doesn’t matter. Boys will be boys,” said freshman Doug Mann. “Plus I’ve seen Teri around campus; she was probably asking for it.”

Other students want to see the intramural league make a stand.

“Too many times has such violence gone unpunished,” said Charlotte Ross. “They put this product out on the field for the sole purpose of making money, yet they preach player safety. I want to see more accountability and less hypocrisy.”

The appeal is set to be heard March 21, just after spring break.

Robertson has since joined Students Against Violence And Gory Encounters, and claimed to have found Jesus.

february 24th 2016 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com WHO SAYS BASEBALL IS NOT POPULAR ANYMORE?

RU PITCHERS AND CATCHERS REPORT TO WORK-STUDY SPRING TRAINING

BY BRENT MUSKYBURGER ADVOCACY ADVOCATE

PISCATAWAY— The Rutgers baseball season is underway, and players are beginning their preparations.

February 19 marked the first day for pitchers and catchers to report to their spring semester work-study programs.

Since baseball players do not receive full scholarships, most participate in work-study programs to supplement their school payments and learn a job-skill for the future.

“I make money for this school by playing a sport I know I won’t have a future in,” said left-handed relief pitcher Mark Marcson, “so I turn to workstudy for a boost. Now I sit in a computer lab all day and deal with idiot students. You know, life skills.”

time to develop their chemistry.

It is especially important for freshman, who need to prepare for their first year both on the field and at work.

“I came to this country to play baseball,” said Cuban defector and backup catcher Avisail Martinez via a translator.

“I want to play as much as possible and be around my teammates, but I have to learn how to bus tables at the dining hall. Good thing cleaning is in my blood.”

There are some players, however, who cannot find workMost players have difficulty cover for me,” said starting study jobs. The university is handling the workload of pitcher Darren O’Toole, who limited in the amount they offer, playing a D-1 sport and working works at the Livingston Writing meaning some players are left in Center. “They said if I call out the dark. on campus.

“We go on these road trips, again, I’ll be fired.”

Most players who do not Pitchers and catchers use this and it’s hard to find people to Continued on A7

Flag football player embroiled in domestic abuse case

BY STEPHEN A. SMIFF WHISTLE SWALLOWER

COME TO OUR MEETINGS WHERE WE HAVE FREE CHOKE WE MEET MONDAYS AND WEDNESDAYS IN ROOM 439 OF THE RSC SEE YOU THERE SPORTS FANS AND DON'T FORGET TO LIKE US ON FACEBOOK

NEW BRUNSWICK—Star Rutgers flag football player Darryl Robertson is appealing a suspension after being charged with domestic violence.

The junior is set to defend his championship next semester, but Associate Director of Sports Paul Fischbach handed down a full-semester suspension Monday.

Robertson allegedly choked his girlfriend with his official flag football flag Saturday, February 20. RUPD reportedly came to his apartment and detained Robertson, but no official arrest was made.

“We’re just into some kinky shit, and our neighbors heard my bitch screaming from pleasure,” said Robertson.

Robertson’s girlfriend, Teri Sampson, said nothing when asked to corroborate the story.

BLIND LEADING THE BLIND SINCE 1970

Instead she grabbed a nearby pad and wrote, “My trachea is broken, this really hurts. Ow, ow, ow”.

The Rutgers intramural program has a notoriously lax domestic violence policy. The Anderson case of 2013, where intramural volleyball player Tina Anderson cut off her boyfriend’s testicles and spiked them out her third-story window, famously resulted in $20 deduction from her RU Express account.

“We now have the proper legislation in place to handle these events,” said Fischbach, who heads the intramural program. “This case will be dealt with swiftly and justly. And no, we’re not making an example out of him because he is black.”

The suspension also prohibits Robertson from training at Rutgers facilities, Continued on A7