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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
Volume xliI Issue XV
February 8th, 2012
HOT MESS
EPA DECLARES CHICKEN “ENDANGERED” AFTER SUPER BOWL SALES BY THE KILLA WHALE MANAGING EDITOR
WASHINGTON—This past week leading up to Super Bowl XLVI, enough chickens were slaughtered to raise concern for their vulnerability with the United States Environmental Protection Agency, who have now listed them as “endangered.” “Chicken coops across the Midwest are reporting a dramatic shortage of fowl,” said EPA Region 7 administrator Karl Brooks. “Obese Americans plus a should-be national holiday equals overeating and lots of dead chickens.” According to Brooks, chicken must be bred and raised from scratch before they are killed and made into boneless wings, BBQ-flavored legs, and chopped into fancy pieces of breast meat. Unfortunately, since chicken-in-a-basket restaurants offer a variety of specials
50¢ POOPIE
Local Man Kind of Proud That He Clogged The Toilet BY DANNY CHOG JR. STAFF WRITER
FLIPPING THE BIRD The Department of Environmental Protection Deputy Secretary for Poultry Affairs bawks over the recent explosion in chicken consumption
on Super Bowl Sunday, farmers could not keep up with the high demand, bringing the overall population of fowl down 72%. Chicken Galore of Woodbridge, NJ reported a record number of profits stating that their overall weekend sales quadrupled their numbers from the past six months. Owner Scott Rasizer said,
“Despite a record-setting profit, I do believe we’ll be going out of business within the next month since we can no longer sell chicken. This is bullshit.” In addition, Kentucky Fried Chicken has already announced plans to find a new featured item. Current plans are to change their name to KenContinued on Page 2
GIVING LUVIN'
Madonna Halftime Show Gets Gay Men to Finally Watch Super Bowl BY SUM DUM JOO HEAD WRITER
“Basically,” continued Von Der Romm. “The Gays tuned INDIANAPOLIS—The NFL Super Bowl, broadcast on NBC in.” With a popular icon in the and its affiliates last Sunday night, recorded its highest rat- homosexual community perings to date. However, the larg- forming in the famed show, men est amount of viewers tuned in tuned in from across the counat halftime to witness a spectac- try who hadn’t even looked at ular show featuring infamous a football since high school gym classes. recording artist Madonna. “Normally on Super Bowl NBC executive Brandon Von Der Romm emphasized Sunday, I go and catch a matinee that this increase in viewership at the Art House cinema down came from viewers who would the street,” said Chad Willis, a gay man in Astoria, Queens. not normally watch the game. “We have a phrase for these “But today, I stayed home, made people: ‘DINKs: Dual Income some quinoa with my life partNo Kids,’ said Von Der Romm. ner, Jason, and we watched that “Basically, there were large col- girl bring it.” While they tuned in to see lections of people who did not have children but were living Madonna sing her most popular pop hits, many new viewers under the same roof.”
Other sporting franchises such as NASCAR are now examining how they might benefit from Madonna
stayed to pay attention to the action. “I realized that Tom Brady looked really cute,” said Vince Willon of San Francisco. “I spent the second half pretending I was all the guys on the Giants who got to jump on top of him. I know I would, given the chance.”
Turn the page, genius ESTABLISHED 1970
LOUIS STREET— After a day of eating terrible food at a friend’s Super Bowl party and a day worth of dining hall food on Monday, student Keith Resen found himself on his toilet yesterday voiding his bowels of the greasy mess that had flowed through his entrails in the days prior. “I let everything go and I decided to flush once before I wiped,” said Resen, a Senior from Voorhees, NJ. “But I flushed, and the thing just stuck there. It was a solid log and it just wouldn’t budge.” Resen let the water sit for a while, hoping the suction at the bottom of the toilet would suddenly start working. “I sort of stared at it for a while. I didn’t want to flood the bathroom. I hate cleaning.” After staring and pacing the bathroom, wondering what to do, Resen reportedly cracked a smile. “I mean, I did that. I made that. It came from me. How fucking awesome is that?” After a few minutes of admiration, he offered his roommate, Chris Grodowski, a peek at his pile. “It was big, I’ll give him that,” said Grodowski, who eats a proper diet including fiber and vegetables. “I just didn’t appreciate that he made me take a picture of it.” When asked what he was going to do with the turd, Resen offered a solution. “I think I’ll let it sit here until it disintegrates or something. We can use the other apartment’s toilet. I’m sure they won’t mind.”