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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
Volume xliI Issue XVIII
50¢
FEBRUARY 29TH, 2012
SOME EVENT
METLIFE STADIUM WILL ONLY BOOK EVENTS WITH ROMAN NUMERALS BY THE KILLA WHALE MANAGING EDITOR
EAST RUTHERFORD—The New Meadowlands has been a center of attention as a result of late winning contracts to host WrestleMania XXIX next year, Super Bowl XLVIII in 2014, and just recently, Huge Sporting Event XXXVI-whatever. “I think I speak for all dual-income family New Jerseyans living north of Ocean and Burlington Counties and southwest of Union, Essex and Passaic Counties when I say that we’re…wait, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, can’t wait for the show!” said Governor Chris Christie. Christie, New Jersey Sports, and Exposition Authority C.E.O. Dennis Robinson believe MetLife Stadium is our modern day Colosseum. Robinson said, “This stadium was not built for the Giants or that other team. It was
INDEX UNIVERSITY
QUICKIES
"RIP Facebook" trending on Twitter, Zuckerburg says it's implausible "You're dreaming. It's almost impossible to delete individual accounts, let alone the entire site," said CEO Mark Zuckerbug, as he broke into maniacal laughter.
COUNTING THE RINGS Met Life has already acquired the XLIX Super Bowl where the New York Giants will be searching for their LXXth ring in X yrs.
built for events that recur every year and have roman numerals in the title. Roman numerals are fancy. The stadium is fancy. Get it?” The new 2015 event with roman numerals will break at-
tendance records that will “most definitely” be set by WrestleMania and the Super Bowl according to Robinson. He also added that they have thrown in a bid Continued on Page 2
NEWS IN PICTURES
Ron Paul Apprehended For Defacing University Property
Actors in "The Artist" struggle to adjust to 'Talkies' Boy thinks girlfriend is mad at him after playing Words With Friends Ted knew something was up after his girlfriend got 50 pts. for "LIAR", "CHEATER", and "BASTARD" in that order.
That Rutgers Review writer didn't take his Sierra Mist with him when he left, so I drank it because I was thirsty.
TEDx invites Rutgers students to take a break from their class lectures to listen to lectures
OPINIONS It is totally justifiable that I drank the Sierra Mist that the Rutgers Review writer left behind because I was thirsty.
HEALTH Does anyone from the Rutgers Review have cooties?!
#VivaLaStool
ESTABLISHED 1970
"And the best part is that it's educational! When does that ever happen?!"
the Medium METLIFE
NEWS
“Hey that's M83! I'm cool right?”
...continued from front
to host the first ever Autumn Olympics. “Let’s face it. The state will benefit more from the roman numeral “I” than football. Perhaps we’ll let futbol Norteamericano be a sport for the fall games,” said Robinson. Public opinion on the matter has yet to be evaluated, but New York Giants Wide Receiver Victor Cruz weighed in and believes the state needs to “take it down a notch.” “Didn’t we just win a Super Bowl? They want to move us to another stadium now so they can do the Olympics? Heard Miami’s nice,” said Cruz. Despite the feedback, Christie and Robinson plan to continue searching for events with roman numerals to take the place of football games. Until then, Christie and Robinson suggest New Jerseyans do nothing else but hype the upcoming events. The new 2015 event is expected to take place at a time when the weather in New Jersey is not optimal for an outdoor show. “Bundle up and enjoy!” said Christie.
THE VUE NOW ACCEPTING APPLICATIONS FOR 2012 Nestled on top of the pissscented train station Have a VUE of exciting car accidents from the poorly designed parking garage entrance Have a VUE of drunk biddies puking on Easton .. and it's trendy because VUE is spelled wrong!
Call today to reserve your room! Oh wait, there's a minimum income requirement, TROLOLOL
Editorial Staff Spring 2012
Wednesday, February 29th, 2012
ARIBBAAAA! ANDELE! ANDELE!
Rutgers Acquires Curritos As A Stepping Stone To UMDNJ
BY DR. K BACK PAGE EDITOR
NEW BRUNWICK—The New Meadowlands has been a While much attention has been given to the pending merger of UMDNJ and Rutgers University, the Rutgers Student Center’s recent acquisition of a new Currito restaurant has gone unnoticed. “Student Life is always trying to help the university reach its goals of entering healthcare education as a whole,” said Kortney Boulder, a member of the team that selected the restaurant. “While looking for a new food vendor, we couldn’t help but focus on Currito – The Burrito that Cures.” Currito serves a variety of burritos with a make your own burrito option. Each burrito includes ingredients to help cure common and less common ailments. “If you have a fever, we have the ‘Coolrito’. If you have herpes, we have the ‘Herpito’,” said manager Kris Perkins. “We even have a ‘Morphito’ for peo-
CONVENIENCE WITH A SMILE Servers at Curritos are smiling for a new reason: They no longer will be serving diarrhea to unlucky customers
ple with chronic pain. Unfortunately, like others in our field, we are still looking for a cure for cancer, but we have already prepared some promotional materials for our planned ‘Chemorito’
for when that day comes.” While many of the burritos are available over the counter, many require a prescription which can be obtained only at Rutgers Health Centers.
THAT'S SO FRAT
Student Finally Gets Into Frat Party Without Ratio; Frat Busy At Barstool Blackout Tour
But eventually he found the keg and decided to rage his face off. "I assumed everyone was COLLEGE AVE—PharmD Jutaking a bathroom break, so nior Hank Mangotta had what he described as "the best fuckin' when I saw the keg I forgot weekend of my entire college ca- about everything else; I grabbed a red cup and proceeded to go reer." "Oh my GOD my weekend HAM." Reports show the keg was was insane! I finally got into TDX already tapped before Hank the other night," proclaimed got there, yet he proceeded to Mangotta, "I didn't even need a stumble about the basement and ratio; normally I'd either have to know somebody or have at least shout, "Hank the Tank! Hank three girls with me. And you the Tank! YOLO babyyyy!!" He made it back home at know how hard that can be." 3 o'clock in the morning and "I'd usually resort to paying $5 at my friend's house party. promptly blacked out. As to the whereabouts of the When I got there the back door frat brothers, sources confirmed was open so I sneaked in and they and the rest of Rutgers Uniwent down to the basement where they were already blast- versity were busy getting their eardrums blown out at the Staring Avicii." At first he was confused as land Ballroom for the Barstool to why there no one else there. Blackout Tour. BY EVERYDAY I'M TRUFFLIN' NEWS EDITOR
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Head Writer
Amy DiMaria Shane Whelan Joey Threlfall Jordan Gochman
News Editors Kaitie Davis John Eberhardt Features Editor Phillip Li Opinions Editor Daniel Day-Jewish Arts Editor Sara Edwards Personals Editors Brianna Provenzano Steve Troulis III
DANCING WITH HIMSELF The pole in the center of the room allowed for Hank to try out his new moves.
Back Page Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche Club Mascot
Kenneth Brooks Ben Green Krupa Patel Kristen Cignavitch Barbara Reed ehcuoD tnediseR Cubby the Pug <3
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to The Medium. Wait, can we do that? I mean, I guess we can. I do think we deserve a pat on the back just like Hollywood does every year.
FEATURES
Wednesday, February 29th, 2012
the Medium
“I was a vegetarian for five years, but then my girlfriend dumped me.”
BUMS
Student of the week MaryKate “MK” Riecks
Age: 20 Major: Video Art and Stuff Minor: Marijuana Tasting Occupations: “Fuck, what is it called, ehr Rutgers ehr, um, dining or something?” General Manager of the organization entitled the C.O.R.E. (Cunts Operating Radio Empires) Mary Kate Riecks (or MK Reeks as she is more infamously known) has plenty to bring to the table in regards to being an interesting person; from her diverse activities, to her deviant aspirations. MK wanted to share that one of her favorite activities is trashpicking: something she partakes in every Tuesday and Friday. One time, she found a bottle of TC vodka with an entire ounce left in it. That was a good day. Aside from trashpicking, she also likes to have contests with herself to see how long she can go without showering! Most recently, MK has managed to not shower for eight days straight! (This resulted in lice, shingles, diarrhea, and two UTI’s.) MK walks her two cats and cleans her dog’s litter four times a day. She also sleeps in random places, including the NB train station once a week. MK’s one true dream is
to be a master harmonica player, but she said she would settle for being a botanist. Her primary goal overall, however, is to not be homeless: even though there are many things she fancies about that lifestyle. “My parents never encouraged, like, anything,” cried MK once she realized why her goals had such little direction. She ranted a bit about her parents and how little they supported through her life, but that’s not what we’re here for. MK’s fav. food is aged pizza with bacon bits. She also likes macaroni with butter, but does use red sauce when she wants to spoil herself a little. She found it absolutely quintessential to let you know her favorite band is Starfucker.
In my pants, my snake grows quicker. I stroke my mustache and I drive My grandma’s van in record time.
And look for a young boy to console
3. Another pour the dip straight onto the broken chips, shake and eat it from the bag. You can use as many combinations of chips and dips as you please. Knock yourself out!
There are a couple ways you can do this! 1. Pour the chips and dip of your choice into a bowl, mix up with a spoon, and devour.
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
Acceptable Reasons to NOT Party at Rutgers By T.K. Antmar
Wanna go out tonight?
10. “I have to study”: You’re dumb. You’re going to fail the class anyway. 9. “I’m tired”: Most humans are, after an entire day. 8. “I have work in the morning”: I guess you need money to get wasted in the first place. 7. “I’m hanging out with my girlfriend tonight”: Shit, bring her too! We can Eiffel Tower! 6. “I’m sick”: Well, if you drink enough, you won’t feel anything, but I don’t want you getting me sick.
5. “I just got stabbed”: Throw a band-aid on that bitch, and lets go! 4. “I worked out today and I’m sore”: Fine. I don’t want to hear you bitchin’ all night about how much you lifted. 3. “I don’t have money”: I guess you can stay home, because I’ll be damned if I’m paying for you 2. “My friend got arrested”: Wow. What a buzz kill. Well, see ya’ later. 1. “My (immediate family member) died”: Oh. Wow, shit, sorry dude. Uhhh... bye.
by: UNDERAGE B&
I do spot him through my shades From the playground he must fade Into my pocket I do reach Out comes a tasty fruity treat.
To the pre-school I do fleet,
Into my van he wanders,
In the hope of a mid-day skeet.
Where I show him many wonders.
Up to the curb I do roll
Ingredients: Tiny left over pieces of chips from the bottom of the bag- e.g. Doritos, Fritos scoops, tortilla chips and potato chips(I prefer the ridged ones) A dip- salsa, guacamole, sour cream and onion, nacho cheese, or whatever tickles your fancy.
2. Alternative: scoop chip pieces from the bag with a spoon filled with dip.
EXTREME ADVERTISEMENT
PEDOETRY
Vintage Penn-State Broetry by: STEUNAMILI Here I sit, and drink hard liquor,
MUNCHIES Dorm Cooking 101 By Supa Krupa Troopa
CUTE THING OF THE WEEK
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OP/ED
“It looks like The RV from The Wild Thornberrys. Great artistic decision.”
FEATURED COMMENTARY
COMMENTARY
The Only Thing That Sucked About Last Year’s Oscars Was Me
This is Gonna Hurt... A LOT
BY THAT RANDOM SHOOTING PAIN IN YOUR ASSHOLE
BY JAMES FRANCO This time last year, you were all up in my case for my ‘douchey,’ ‘terrible’ and ‘embarrassing’ turn as Oscars cohost. But now, I bet you are begging for me to come back and host the Academy Awards again, after the shitstorm that happened Sunday night. The thing is, there always needs to be something exceptionally bad that can be focused on so heavily that everything else looks amazing and beautiful by comparison. Last year, all they complained about was me. The rest of the show was, by all accounts, amazing, but that’s only because I did so poorly that you didn’t notice the crappiness of the rest of the show. During last year’s Oscars, how many times last year did a camera bump into the shot? How many times did some hired dancer have a misstep during the musical numbers? Don’t remember? Prob-
Wednesbeard, Februbeard 29th, 2012
ably because you were guessing what combination of drugs I was on, or if this was some kind of sick joke. This year, Billy Crystal didn’t suck. He just did ‘ok.’ Not terrible, not amazing. Just ok. Which is why on Sunday, you noticed that
ed to laugh at Fred Willard ranting about flying monkeys, but there was just this general malaise about the whole evening. I bet you didn’t even laugh at Will Ferrell and Zach Galifinakis when they came out with the symbols. You probably just thought about how “This year, Billy dead they felt inside doing a throwaway bit to Crystal didn’t appease the rich people. whole thing was suck. He just did just The pure crap. And, because there wasn’t one ‘ok’” major flaw to focus on, guy in the Cirque Du So- you were able to see evleil number fall. It’s why erything for what it was. you shared uncomfortSo, feel free to have able laughter with the me back next year so I rest of the country when can stink up the ol’ KoJ-Lo and Cameron Diaz dak like I did in 2011. I did that weird diva turn can host the Red Carpet thing before they gave thing too and just awkout an award. Its why wardly stand next to Tim you just stared at that Gunn while I make the sketch starring all the occasional joke about nerds from the Chris- him being celibate. Also, topher Guest movies please let Anne Hathaand couldn’t bother to way host with me again laugh at any of the jokes, next year. We shared a no matter how funny it dressing room last time was. I know you want- and I got to see her tits.
Good morning, Richard. Oh, yeah, get up and stretch. Don’t be afraid, I’m not going to…AHAHAHAHA SURPRISE! Boom! Snap! Hope that didn’t hurt!? Psyche! What was that? Was that gas? Yeah, must’ve been gas. Don’t worry, I promise it’s not going to happen ag—AHHHHHAAA!!! Sucker! You can tighten up your asshole all you want, I’m not going to stop! Muhuwahaha. You know, I think I’ll give you a break for a little. Yeah, I’ll let you jump up and down for a bit. Nah, nah, don’t be putting your fingeroh, gosh, oh no! That’s gross, that’s not going to help you sick bastard. For that, you’re getting a nice sharp LIGHTNING BOLT UP THE ANUS!!! RAWWWWR! THAT FREAKING HURTS DOESN’T IT???!!! Probably got you thinking that what you just did made it worse.
Nah, it’s all me bro. C’mon Pretty Ricky, you have to find a way to stop me cause I’m having way too much fun. The look on your face is priceless. ZAP! Ha, that was just an aftershock. You’re running out of time, Richard. It’s 8 AM and work starts in 15 minutes. Better stop worrying so much about me and just get in that shower. Yeah, maybe the hot water will make it go awaya-no-freaking WAYYYY! ZAP! BAM! BING! BOOM! YIPPEEEEEEE! I’m on the floor! This is just too funny! Hey, hey, guess what I’m going to do… wait, hold on. Richard, that’s not me. I swear, bro. Whoa. What’s that smell. Wait, what the fufu-fudge?! Fudge? No, noooo, nooooo! Ew, this is gross! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I’m sorry! I’ll do anything you say! Noooo! Holy shit! AHHHHH!
POINT/COUNTERPOINT
Why Doesn’t Nancy Talk More?
BY MARK HAVENS One of the first things I noticed about Busch Dining Hall was that tiny little Chinese woman named Nancy swiping my ID. After Mama Brower, I’m conditioned to believe all the women who swipe IDs are sweet, old women: but Nancy was nothing like that. Instead of telling me to have a nice day I got “Yeah, ok.” Instead of a “bon appetit,” I got “Yes.” I must have gone to that dining hall four times a week for the entire year, and I have never gotten more than three words out of her. I feel like the dining hall staff could hire people who are a little more friendly to greet me when I have my meals. I guess I could keep trying to start up a conversation with her. I’ll hold up the line if I have to. If I keep badgering her with questions, then eventually she’ll have to chat me up. I think of all the students here, I’ll be the one who finally drags something out of her. She must have all sorts of Chinese wisdom.
(Translation): I Don’t Speak English That Well, Asshole BY NANCY
(Translation): Hey you jag, I’m obviously from another country. English is not my native language and it never will be. If you’ve got a problem with how I do my job then get behind the counter and do it yourself. And stop asking me questions to get me to say more. You’re holding up everyone trying to look cool in front of your gay friends.
GET YO SW33T A$$ TO TH3 M3DIUM! Bu$©h $+ud3n+ ©3nt3r W3DN3SD@Y ®00m 120A Eight Pee Em. Its ®3@11y fun!
ARTS
Wednesday, February 29th, 2012
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“Don’t play those games”
WIZARDRY
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X-RAYS
Best Friends Forever
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PERSONALS
Wednesday, February 29th, 2012
“I’ve been obsessed with house music since barstool...so since two days ago”
BARSTOOL
DAMN...SLUTS
SALTY
ON-CAMPUS
A HINT OF PUBES
To all the college dropout bros at Barstool Blackout this past weekend: who the FUCK do you think you are creepin on barely legal girls and shoving people around? Don’t you dare show up to anything Rutgers affiliated ever again. I hope one day when you get drunk one of your dumb-shit friends pours gin down your bleeding assholes (from all the ass-fuckery you do) and die.
To the bouncer at queens who thinks he controls the line between life and death- I can still get into any bar whether or not you are at the door. you are not god... even though you definitely are one in bed. Sincerely, get over yourself
To the fucking asshole in the SAC right now munching on your bag of potato chips: I’m glad you are enjoying the scenery while you devour your greasy fried bag of crap. Maybe that’s where the pot belly came from. I see you have a book... but simply entering a study lounge with a book in hand, disrupting us who actually want to do well in school, does not make it okay to munch, crunch, and crumble in the silence. I hope you die of a heart attack so I never have to listen to the disgusting sound of you licking the calories off of your hand again.
To every dude on campus who thinks that they’re too cool to notice the rain, you should probably just get over yourself and grab a fucking umbrella before you walk out the door because I don’t want to sit next to you for an hour and 20 minutes while you drip dry and smell like a wet dog. Prepare for the rain you goddamn idiots!
To the Sasian bro gettin his dick wet Saturday night: for fuck’s sake, I hope that Azn biddie grindin up on you was shaved. I swear, I could not help but notice something dark and hairy poppin out from the side of those booty shorts. Well, you were probably shitfaced like the rest of us anyway so who gives a flying fuck.
(I can’t even lie, there’s like an 85% chance that this personal was written about me. Yikes.) Dear Lucky Charms at Brower, why must you tease me with the promise of your sugary goodness only to bring my hopes crashing down when I find that all of the marshmallows are gone?
(Brower doesn’t suck at rationing fruit...they just don’t understand what “fruit” is. For future reference, if you want an extra apple ask for a “round notchicken nuggets”. For bananas, say “same color as Twinkie but longer”. If you want an extra orange, “go fuck yourself and buy some granola bars”.
(More specifics necessary. Are we talking about the Queens bouncer who looks like a scumbag ape or the one who looks like a dirtbagshark with a gambling prob(No love for these guys? lem? Either way, “You’re Come on, a college dropout just a doorman...doorman!” bro doesn’t have much to live for these days besides a PARA...PARADISE giant sweaty rapefest hosted by a bunch of former frat- To the ugly, asian, snake stars. Can they live?) girl from Douglass with the black boots and her To the dudes drooling lizard boytoy. Stop bragover the hoe on stage ging about how you are dancing in only her bra at a Visual Arts major. No Barstool Blackout: we all one gives a fuq how easy know you were planning are your drawing and on fapping the fuck outta coloring exams. Since your tiny little weiners you won’t be able to find after the concert. And to a job, return back to the that bitch, congrats on rainforest you came from being beated off to! P.S. before more shitz get I can’t even imagine the weird. stench that might emanate from that snatch To the drunk persian bitch stumbling about the of yours. sidewalks, yelling at ran(Every little girls’ dream: to dom people on Thursday grow up to be the sweaty yet night, you are too drunk desirable ho with the ques- for your own good. Get tionable smelling snatch. help, or something. Now I excuse me while I go shower because I just typed CRIES FOR HELP out the word “snatch”.) To every girl i have ever To the chick who barfed dated, flirted with, or hit all over herself on her on: I am not gay. I am not way to Barstool Blackout. ignoring you. I am not You were totally hot be- an asshole. I am just abfore that moment. solutely TERRIBLE with women. I am awkward, have really bad social BEEFCAKES skills and I just don’t To the pork shoulder at know how to talk to girls Livingston dining hall: without immediately you are the most beau- slipping into a terrifying tiful cut of beef I have sense of self-pity. I apoloever seen. You marinate gize profusely, and if any in a mixture of your own of you read this, I bet you juice and BBQ suace that know who this is. Please, is like holy water. Don’t for the love of all that is ever let chicken put you holy, facebook message down because you are me or text me or somethe best meat on the mar- thing! My thesis is over ket. I spend every night and I am totally free to thinking about your do something, anything! amazing taste. Call me. LOVE MEEEEEEEEEEE! To the fat motherfucker who almost sqashed me on the fuckin’ LX. Become self aware. u turned around and almost flattened me against the closet thing on the bus.
Dear Roommate, Please put some fucking clothes on. I’m tired of seeing you dance around the room naked. I don’t care if we’re both girls, I DON’T WANT TO SEE THAT!!!!
To the takeout people on Busch. Why are you rationing fruit? Are we at risk of running out of apples or something. Thanks for fucking up my midday snack, you bunch of assholes...
REAL ADVERTISEMENT
(I can’t pretend to know what “Sasian” means, but I can speculate. Sassy asian? Slutty asian? Either way I’m nauseous.) To the guy at the Best computer lab that decided to stretch and show his pubes to everyone in the room. First of all, pull your boxers up so we never have to see that shit again. Secondly, fuckin shave. It was like a badly built bird nest. (MMMMM pubes)
derrricious
PERSONALS
Wednesday, February 29th, 2012
“WE need to clean this mess? You have pronoun trouble”
GRAY BOX
GRAY-ER BOX
To the thick assed guindian bitch who lives above me, I don't know what the fuck you are doing up there other then herding elephants. Seriously, I dont know how you got livestock up on the 4th floor, but there is no way that noise could be coming from you. Even though your ass is as big as a copier, I refuse to believe one fat obnoxious bitch can make so much god damn noise
To the hot guy blaring the country station while driving down college ave, You looked so hot, but the fact that you were listening to Jason Aldean is a complete turnoff. Sorry. (Who the fuck is Jason Aldean? The fact that you can identify the music leads me to believe you are full of crap) To the F bus, I didn't know I was on a carnival ride called the tooth chipper. It feels like a transmission slip so get your shit together and service that piece of shit. (Looks like we have a real mechanic here. If you are so smart, fix it yourself. You won’t get any opposition from me)
(Could be actual livestock after all. After living in the south I found out that people bring the strangest animals indoors. Also with animals earning high school diplomas these days its entirely possible. Google Basset Hound High School and click on the Time article. I dare you) To the girl down the hall (To my previous response, who wears the short way to go off topic, but im leather jacket. You look way too lazy to change it to so hot with your black anything else, so deal with stockings and hipster it) glasses. you are so fuckTo the fat guy sitting in ing gorgeous. Oh the front of me in expos, why things I would do to you the fuck don't you bathe? ;) It is pretty evident from (Please tell us the things your offensive odor that you want to do to her, I’m you have no idea what sure we all need some good the fuck a shower is, or entertainment. That’s why that they came out with we publish every week) this awesome new in- What did the five fingers vention called soap. We say to the face? don't live in 19th century (SLAP! Now stop ripping Europe, this is fucking off Dave Chapelle) modern day America. Go jump in a motherfucking To the Ron Paul kids who hole and die, or please got busted for "chalking": learn some proper hy- now you know what it's like, assholes. -An Occugiene. pier (If this has been an ongoing problem why don’t you just To the Indian pair that move your seat? Simple so- I sat in front of in Dr. lution) Nolan's psych class last It seems as though Soda Monday, can you please Mixology is the only shut the fuck up? I know quality part of The Me- you just came for exam questions, but I'm trying dium. to learn. You could have P.S. the personals are had your loud-ass 80 MINUTE convo outside such shit. (While soda mixology is a the lecture hall. Stupid great part of the medium, freshmen. instead of bitching about (I’m guessing gen psych. how the personals are shit, Worst 3 non major related you could actually send us classes I ever took) a submission. you have no- To my thesis, fuck you. body to blame but yourself) Fuck you with a rusty To the guy at the auto nail. I’m so sick of this parts store, how the hell crap. I don’t care about did you get hired with my topic, and nobody absolutely no automotive else does either. Just go the fuck away. knowledge?
the Medium
SENATOR STOVE’S RANT
Ah February 29th. Hard to believe last year I was an underclassman in high school. Wait a second. Fuck. Guess that's what happens on leap year. It got me thinking, what about the people who are born on leap years. Does that mean somebody born 20 years ago is actually like 5? Try explaining to the DMV why a 4 year old is trying to get a drivers permit. Anyway, Here's the personals for the week. If you don't find them funny then it's your own fucking problem because you decided to be a lazy asshole and not send anything. Who's fault is that ya couch potato. If you think you can be funnier then all these wonderful contributors (who are awesome by the way) then give it a shot. The arrow above represents the ability to follow simple instructions and your lack of ability to do so. Do it! If you don't try to submit, then you will be known as that guy who always has to run his damn mouth but never does anything constructive which makes you a loser.
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THE BACK PAGE
K-PASA DAY!!!! (2/29/12)
“We should be allowed guns to shoot people like you.”
HAPPY K-PASA DAY TO ME!!!
Mini What’s
Shakin’
Today All Day K-PASA Day @ Worldwide It just is. Let it be. Tonight at 8:00 PM Medium Meeting @ BCC-120A We will celebrate Leap Day by playing championship leapfrog during tonight’s meeting.
You may be wondering. What is K-Pasa Day? For those of you who weren’t around last year, K-Pasa day is “K’s Psychological Alignment Sans Aggravation”. This means that Dr. K is not doing shit. Today is going to be a great fuckin’ day starting with a shot of Tequila and continuing on with massages, beautiful
women surrounding him, and ending with a 250 dollar check at Applebees. All of you out there suffering from stress and tiredness, I invite you to change your name to something that begins with the letter K and enjoy the day. If you want to be a hater, I don’t give a shit because this is not the day to deal with haters.
Word Bank
WORD Search
BY S. M. GREENSTEIN AND DR. K | Staff Writers
BELLACO BICHO CAJONES CARAJO CHOCHA CULO HOLA MIERDA OJETE ORTO PANOCHA PENDEJO PUTA
Friday, March 2 at 4:00 PM Responsible Drinking Happy Hour @ Cook Campus Center Because going to Happy Hour is a responsible decision in the first place. Friday, March 2 at 7:30 PM Rutgers Wind Ensemble @ Nicholas Music Center There will be no playing of the skin flute at this performance. Sunday, March 4 at 2:30 PM Busch Campus Bible Study @ Busch Campus Center Everyone needs a bit of God in them after taking a common exam on Busch. Monday, March 5 at 9:00 AM Intro. to Pruning Techniques Just when you thought you’ve learned all you need to learn.
Find the words from the word bank. Extra Credit if you translate the words to English!
Tuesday, March 6 at 8:30 AM Regulatory Training in Underground Storage Tanks Really? Okay. That’s it. I’m done.
My Very Own Rutgers Finger Puppet Set BY THE KLAW Guy in Our Office While I was Typing
3 Fraternity Boys wearing letters
2 Religious Nuts
The Inspirational LX Bus Driver
3 Camel Toes
3 Male Moose Knuckles
An Asian Baby
3 Bus Commuters with Bad B.O.
6 Drunk Freshman Girls
Receive 3 Flyers That You Won’t Read
3 BMX or Sk8er Guys Doing Tricks
6 Self Righteous Twats Complaining About Something Trivial
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Cut out and keep in your pocket!
3 Sorority Girls wearing letters
Bus Driver
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Foreign Professor
3 Pepsi Logos
College Girl
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College Guy
3 Block R’s
President McCormick
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Find the following items on campus over the course of the week! If you find all of them, pat yourself on the back because you are a Rutgers Student!
BY MS. BEA A. HOE Staff Prostitute
Rutgers University Scavenger Hunt
Your imagination should never grow old! Cut out, fold on the line, put your finger through hole, and pretend that life is how you want it to be.