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Volume XLVII Issue III QUICKIES
February 26th, 2014
50¢
SENIOR CLAIMS TO HAVE FRIENDS BY RANDY BUTTERNUBS NEWS EDITOR
The Targum prints boldface lies SJP Hands Out Arafat-free Yogurt Shit Hits the Fan, Causing Devastation from the Deformation of Defacation Wifi is Turned On with Airplane Mode; Joins Mile High Club BIG MAN ON CAMPUS
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ – After recent claims depicting him as a lonely loser, School of Arts and Sciences senior Jeremy Enola came forward yesterday to assert that he indeed has friends. Enola, a communications major, lives in a single at Brett Hall on College Avenue Campus. During his time there, many of his fellow residents noted that not one person ever came to visit him since the academic year began in September. This has spurred a notable amount of gossip around the residence that Enola must be a “weird hermit that jacks off to gross porn.” Many other residences were quite vocal about their “concerns” and spoke to the press about Enola’s conditions. “His lottery number was, like, 50,” said sophomore Kelly Bickleman. “People practically pay you to be your friend for that hook-up into Livi Apartments. Seriously, what a loser.”
"THEY'RE BUSY! THAT'S ALL!" Jeremy Enola is seen after having left his door open Friday night.
In response to many other claims such as this, Jeremy Enola posted the following on his Facebook page, “I have friends, they’re just busy and on other campuses. I go visit them instead. I swear I’m not lonely!” At press time, this status update has received zero likes. Residence Life is consider-
ing taking preventative action in order to make him appear like less of a loser. Currently, the favored plan of action is to force Enola to room with that freshman who smells like three-day old shoes. Hall Director Kenny Continued on Page 2
Christie Shuts Down Bridge to Delay Booker Speech BY EATON JEJEZ STAFF WRITER
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ – In what may be the second largest bridge related scandal in recent NJ history, whistleblowers discovered late last week a series of leaked emails from aides to NJ Governor Chris Christie alluding to “making traffic on Douglass” and “tying up CB.” CB refers to US Senator Cory Booker (D-NJ), who was hosted by the Eagleton Institute of Politics last Tuesday. The program, held in the lecture hall of the Hickman building on the Douglass Campus, was delayed for a short time before Mr. Booker arrived and promptly began his dialogue with students. “The rumor going around was that Cory Booker wanted to experience the struggle of New Brunswick firsthand,” said Rahul Bhavsar, a SAS junior major- thing about a detour. This detour was referring ing in Political Science, “so he had taken the EE bus.” NBPD to the temporary closure of the officers assigned to the event Loree-Hickman foot bridge. Vothad candidly mentioned some-
and Hickman halls. It serves as an essential shortcut across the campus, following the historic route of Col. Henry Rutgers' valiant charge across the British encampment via a makeshift bridge during the Battle of Cook-Douglass, according to the History Channel. “[The aides] just told us to close off the bridge. They didn't give a reason,” said Thomas Fireman, director of the Department of Fire Safety. When asked where the order originated from, Fireman commented that “it came from higher-ups but [he's] not sure where it ultimately came from.” “It’s undeniable that Christie's people ordered the bridge shut down to delay Booker” commented Dr. Allen DeLaney, an Eagleton professor. “This is ed the second 'Most Awkward the third time Christie jammed Walk at Rutgers' (the first be- up a bridge to spite someone” ing 'anywhere on Friday morn- – the first being the George ing'), this bridge connects Loree
You Can Make a Hat SInce 1970
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