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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com

I WANNA DANCE WITH SOMEBODY

QUICKIES

CDC "NOT THAT SURPRISED" BY WHITNEY HOUSTON DEATH BY CASTLETON SNOB EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

BEVERLY HILLS—Following the national outpouring of grief for Whitney Houston, doctors in America have declared themselves "pretty unmoved" by the pop star's passing. Dr. Mark Rosen of the Center for Disease Control spoke on behalf of the organization today and said, "In the interest of being perfectly honest, I have to say that this news is only shocking to anyone with literally zero medical knowledge." Dr. Rosen cited Houston's history of drug abuse and bizarre public appearances in recent years. "Anyone who saw her wandering around that airport knew she only had a few good years left," explained Rosen. Only one intern of the local medical examiner's office was

50¢

February 15th, 2012

Volume xliI Issue XVI

Boyfriend just about managed to enunciate 'I love you' Despite valiant attempts such as "I luhhhrrvrgh...." and "Yeah..... you too," freshman James LeVan continues his masculine struggle to balance both his sense of independence and his role as boyfriend.

WHITNEY HOUSTON WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU The singer was found dead this weekend in a "fairly standard" turn of events

brought in to assess a cause of death. The head of the ME's office explained away the decision saying, "Yeah, we got it already." Entertainment agencies were not very surprised by the singer's death either. Nancy O'Dell, host of En-

tertainment Tonight explained, "We've had a death reel for her ready ever since she married Bobby Brown. Everyone here is pretty upset but...come on." Houston's funeral, arranged in the late 90s, will be held this weekend in Newark.

You were retarded for listening to your girlfriend when she told you to not get her anything for Valentine's Day

I know you read this you fucking dickhead. Why the hell didn't you fucking surprise me with something? Everyone's asking me "Hey, what'd he get you for Valentine's Day?" and I have to be empty fucking handed. Don't look at me like this is my fault!

i MANNING

Doctors to perform surgery on Peyton Manning to make him "Better, Stronger, Faster"

referencing his son Eli’s second Super Bowl win over a week and a half ago. Sources within the Colts’ INDIANAPOLIS—Just several talent relations department said weeks before star Quarterback that he does not want too much Peyton Manning is due to reattention drawn to him before ceive $28 million, Indianapolis the procedure and is not at all Colts owner Jim Irsay has anconcerned for his health or wellnounced that the 11-time Pro being. Bowler will undergo a contro“It’s not like we’re tying versial procedure to restore him up in some ditch outside nerve functions in his arm. on Route 65 and drugging him,” According to Irsay, team said Irsay. “Manning wants to doctors have been developing play football for us and he is a bionic nerve system that will five times as much as Peyton’s was a national hit, so it was only very willing to sacrifice his body run from Manning’s upper spi- signing bonus, which may seem fitting for this to be his fate. He for bionics. I don’t want anyone nal area to his fingers. Similar counterproductive,” said Irsay. also expressed how expectations for one second to point fingers to the title character of the pop- “However, this is something for his son have grown since this at us and say this is a violation ular 1970’s science-fiction series, I’ve thought about for a few past Super Bowl. of human rights.” “My son and I are wellThe Six Million Dollar Man, the hours already and I feel it’s best Pending a successful suraware of the risk that a proce- gery, Irsay has also expressed inprocedure will increase Man- for the team.” Manning’s father, Archie dure like this poses to his body. terest in making it a requirement ning’s overall strength, vision, Manning, said that Peyton was The fact is, he needs to keep up for all incoming draft picks to and throwing capabilities well born around the same time "The with his brother’s accomplish- undergo the same procedure. beyond human limits. “The procedure will cost Six Million Dollar Man" series ments,” said Manning’s father, BY THE KILLA WHALE MANAGING EDITOR

#WhitePeopleProblems ESTABLISHED 1970

Photograph by Fotonelli


the Medium

NEWS

"I was so hungry I ate half a horse."

GRAMMYS

Adele Wins Grammy; Reveals That She is Actually Kanye West in disguise BY CHA-CHANG $$ CONTRIBUTING WRITER

Wednesday, February 15th, 2012

JUST FRIENDS

Brower Donates Ice Cream to Lonely Girls on Valentine’s Day BY SILUS CARTER CONTRIBUTING WRITER

HOLLYWOOD—Adele and Kanye West emerged as big winners this past weekend at the 54th Annual Grammy Awards. Adele, returning from vocal cord surgery, put on an outstanding performance on the Staples Center stage. Collectively, Adele and Kanye came in with 13 nominations, and to no surprise, both emerged victorious. The award show took an interesting turn during Adele’s acceptance speech for Song of The Year. In the midst of thanking her music producers, Adele paused for a moment, appearing to be in disbelief at what she had just accomplished. She continued, “I’m really happy for you. Imma let you finish Adele, but Kanye had one of the best songs of all time!” Adele proceeded to reach to the back of her neck to pull off a mask, unveiling the face of Kanye West. The crowd erupted with screams, chanting “YEEZY! YEEZY! YEEZY!” There were mixed emotions among the

COLLEGE AVE—This past Valentines day, the single women of Rutgers were soothed by their sweet tooth, as Brower donated 40 tubs of ice cream to ease the rejection of man-less students at Rutgers, who turned to gorging themselves yesterday night as NIGGAS IN A FAT SUIT their bitch girlfriends abandon It is also rumored that Kanye West might have been the Foo Fighters' ed them to dine with their affecDave Grohl in a douchebag suit . tionate boyfriends. The Cinema Studies departcrowd. Taylor Swift was vis- Awards, Kanye West put on his ment provided assistance, doibly seen crying as Jay-Z was signature grin for the cameras nating 300 copies of "Sleepless laughing with his wife Beyonce, and ripped off his dress, revealthrowing up the Roc-A-Fella ing his expensive Louis Vuitton in Seattle", "You Got Mail" and "The Notebook." sign. fat suit. Debbie Stem, a counselor at Backstage at the Grammy Rutgers Health Services, found the donations to be, "Absolutely FLABULOUS PEOPLE wonderful; they sure are helping these girls get through this tough time of year." However the credit for organizing this goes to the single men of the Rutgers Chess Club. BY COMMANDO UNITED STATES “We just want to show them NEWS EDITOR that we're good guys. And maybe even ask them out for dinner NAPLES, FL—Last Sunday, the at McDonald's or something,” 12th annual Granny Awards said their nasally voiced presiwere held at the neighborhood dent Gene Fisher, who assisted Perkins during the 4 - 5:30 early the Brower staff with unloading bird special. Awards were prethe ice cream. sented for prestigious categoThe rest of the chess club enries such as Best Bridge Player, joyed comforting the girls, and Cookie of the Year, and Most when it was all over, the girls Annoyingly Persistent Caller at were thankful for their kindness. the Local Congressman's Office. "They're so nice for letting The award ceremony lasted Grandmother Cindy Hoffman says her award me talk their ears off," said SAS a total of five hours - a lengthy (Most Knit Sweaters in One Year) doubles as a hearing aid. sophomore Sarah Stout. When ceremony due to the 90 minute nap break that took place mid- nies was 84 year-old Emma ner by nabbing Most Forgotten asked about the possibility of way. The ceremony was fol- Wilson, a grandmother of four Expired Food in the Kitchen pursuing a relationship for next lowed by widespread consump- and great grandmother of two. Pantry. Accepting the award on Valentine's Day, she replied, tion of boxed White Zinfandel. Mrs. Wilson narrowly beat out her behalf was her son Zach- "Oh no, not like that. We're just Taking home five gran- last year's highest award win- ary, as she had fallen asleep. friends".

12th ANNUAL GRANNY AWARDS HELD AT NEARBY PERKINS

Editorial Staff Spring 2012

Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Head Writer

Amy DiMaria Shane Whelan Joey Threlfall Jordan Gochman

News Editors Kaitie Davis John Eberhardt Features Editor Phillip Li Opinions Editor Daniel Day-Lewis Arts Editor Sara Edwards Personals Editors Steve Troulis III Dave Imbriaco

Backpage Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche(s) Club Mascot

Kenenth Brooks Ben Green Krupa Patel Kristen Cignavitch Barbara Reed Easton Ave #724 Cubby the Pug <3

The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to Robert Wood Johnson Hospital I'm turning 21 tomorrow, and I'll be relying on them to give me a new liver


FEATURES

Wednesday, February 15st, 2012

the Medium

“Dude, I thought she was gonna prey on you”

HAVA NAGILA

Student of the week

CTOTW

BROETRY By: STUNAMI

Richard Weinstein Siegel

Age: 20 Major: Psychology Minor: Cognitive Science Occupations: Brower Slave (and all it entails), Webmaster @ The Core, Master Jewish Rapper

Rich is a fantastically i n teresting individual who has the exciting job of working at Brower. While working he gets to change silverware, soups, and ice cream. He even gets to put away the tray holders when they get full! Rich is also an esteemed Jewish rapper who has been known to come up with entire raps within minutes, if not seconds! Another talent of his is

the ability to use sign language. Some of Rich’s favorite things include shrimp and the act of peeling it, as well as Corny Joke Thursday (which he has not missed in over a year!). His favorite movies include Downfall, Fiddler on the Roof, and Schindler’s List. His favorite book is The Diary of Anne Frank. If all of these things appeal to you, Rich would like you to know that he spends Valentine’s Day alone and is very single! You must also be attractive. He says no ugly people allowed.

DEPRESSION

Everyone should understand the infinite sadness of this picture.

SAFETY

LETTERS

A Guide to Dressing Warm By: Pokemon Leaf Green, Staff Writer

but if you follow this guide, you will be able to go outside. Anything in between is quite nice, so you can go outside.

3. Main Cold Weather Attire: You need to wear a coat: not a sweatshirt, a COAT. Layers under your coat will keep you extra warm. Sweatshirts are acceptable when layering. Next, you need pants: any sort is fine, just wear pants. Otherwise, you will freeze your genitals 1. Assess The Temperature: Look- off. Lastly, warm boots; make sure to get ing out the window can provide a semi- a size bigger to fit an extra pair of socks. accurate temperature assessment, but the most accurate assessment tool is 4. Cold Weather Accessories: This is your smartphone’s weather app. This where cold weather attire gets fun and also allows for you to not have to leave stylish! Hats are necessary - maybe a your warm, cozy bed to see how cold it fuzzy one! Or one with kitty ears! Next, is outside. are mittens. The more colorful mittens are, the warmer they are. Any other body 2. How To Interpret Degree Mea- parts that are exposed can be covered by surements: Your average smartphone a variety of other accessories; do I hear will tell you the temperature in Fahren- ‘shopping trip’? Now you are ready to heit or Celsius. For the purpose of this brave the cold...good luck! article, please switch your phone to the Fahrenheit setting. To interpret the number in degrees, here are the value ranges: 100 degrees or higher is too hot, stay in your bed. 32 degrees or less is way too cold; water freezes at this temperature, Below, we have the quintessential guide to staying warm in any temperature. The Department of Public Safety (DPS) has adopted this guide as the official guide for staying warm in the United States of America.

HOROSCOPES

By: KCIG ARIES - Today is a 4. Trouble will start when your professor is late to class and a homeless man starts guest lecturing.

To Pee or Not to Pee To pee, or not to pee: that is the question: Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to suffer The stings and furrows of quivering brow, Or to take aim at a sea of bubbles, And by opposing end them? To cry: to pee; No more; and by a pee to say we end the stark ache and the thousand natural shocks that our crotch is heir to. ‘Tis urination devoutly to be wish’d. To cry, to pee; To pee; release the stream: Ay, there’s some blood.

CANCER - Today is an 8. Sleeping in is usually bad, but today you may want to miss your 8:55 AM lecture because a crazy homeless man will teach it.

Dear C. Vivian Stringer, You may or may not remember me but I was probably the greatest thing to ever happen to you, especially considering the woes Rutgers women’s basketball endures. Oh baby, you know I didn’t mean to be so harsh. But you know me, I like to be rough and I know how much you enjoy it. Still don’t remember? They don’t call me five-star footlong for nothing. A-ha! Now you remember, eh? At least you never had to worry about contractions during childbirth. Once the season’s over, we can celebrate with a bottle of Chardonnay. This time I won’t need those magnums seeing you’re at the overripe age of 63. Thanks for helping me save some cash, times are tough. Love, King of the Jungle

tions will actually make sense.

LIBRA - Today is a 3. One of the guys in your homeless colony is going to get arrested today, so you’ll need to hide out until the LEO Today is a 2. An accident coast is clear. TAURUS - Today is a 10. Today, you will stumble into a lecture on the Turnpike will prevent hall and teach about quantum you from getting to the class you SCORPIO - Today is a 9. Your physics, which, in fact, you teach, and you won’t be able to roommate will come home with send out an email in time to pre- the funniest story about what know nothing about. vent people from showing up. happened in lecture. GEMINI - Today is a 2. You will have to convince a homeless VIRGO - Today is a 5. A home- SAGITTARIUS - Today is a 9. man to get off of school prop- less man will teach your chem The new professor you TA for erty. Get your night stick ready. lecture today, but his explan- will be so much more inspiring.

CAPRICORN - Today is an 8. You will get a video on your phone of a security guard beating up some homeless man in a lecture hall. AQUARIUS - Today is a 7. you will watch a video of some homeless man getting beat up in a lecture hall. PISCES - Today is a 4. You will have to talk to your son about watching violent internet videos.


the Medium

OP/ED

Wednesday, February 15th, 2012

“I wish I could catch the new Adventure Time episodes.”

FEATURED COMMENTARY

You Weren’t There For Me When I Needed You Most

COMMENTARY

Honoring Black Heroes BY MARK HARMON

BY LIVINGSTON CAMPUS

gers would want to come to a campus that was ugly, muddy Bullies never think about in the rain, and loud because the feelings of the people of heavy construction equipthey bully. A few years back, ment. all anyone ever said about But just look at me now. me was how much I sucked. I have, above all other camEven now, I still can’t believe puses at Rutgers, the most the things people would say. beautiful campus center. My I can’t tell you how many brand new dining hall is not times a day I would hear only equally as beautiful, but that my buildings were ugly, also serves the best food at that my dining hall was terRutgers. I went from the botrible, and that my campus tom of the barrel to the cream was hard to navigate. People of the crop. would specifically avoid taking a class if the only section “It hurts to be rewas on Livingston. Do you know how much that hurts? minded of your failThe only nice thing anyures day upon day, one had to say was how Tillett’s takeout line would give for years.” you a lot of food since it was such low quality. There’s still a lot of conI gotta tell you, everystruction, but it will all be body’s comments really got worth it when the Livingston to me. Even if some of them Apartments open next fall. were warranted, it hurts to be Not only will there be a retail reminded of your failures day plaza, but each building has after day, for years. I wished its own fitness center, comthat Rutgers would just close puter room, study room, and me down so that no one courtyard. Each and every would be able to criticize me. apartment has a fucking dishWhen I went under conwasher. struction a while back, I That’ll show all of you thought that it would be the who said that my housing opend. Nobody enrolled at Ruttions were like jail cells.

You’ll all be lining up for that shit when choices for housing open. But guess what: none of you deserve ANY of it. You won’t want to take a class that isn’t on Livingston, and now instead of being inconvenient to go to Livingston, it will be inconvenient to go anywhere else. And I’ll just laugh to myself. Even in the event that no one chooses to live in the Livingston Apartments out of spite, it’s no problem. Every upperclassman will just have to watch as every newly admitted freshman has an individual room in what is essentially a resort. Ever since I was constructed in 1969, I just wanted to be pretty and liked. But since I struggled through being bullied for so long by the same people whose approval I so desperately wanted, I have come out stronger. Now that I finally have so much to offer, I am able to take the high road and share all of my gifts with the same Rutgers community that harshly maligned me not so long ago. But just know that none of you deserve any of what I give.

This month, we honor those American heroes who happened to be black at one point or another in the month of February. George Washington Carver: the MacGyver of peanuts. The INVENTOR of peanut butter. The great explorer who discovered that you can crush peanuts and eat them like that. From the Nutter Butters that inspired Mozart, to Paul Revere’s midnight snack, his contributions to society have toppled empires such as the Nazi

“George Washington Carver: the INVENTOR of peanut butter.” movement, the Soviet Union, and jelly. Carver was born somewhere in the deep south a long time ago. From an early age, it became clear that his life would ultimately be defined by nuts. A true legend, our country honored his legacy by naming the capital city after him: Washington D(at’s) C(arver). Today, we profit from the satisfaction of keeping allergies relevant, and the joy of watching puppies struggle with mouths full of peanut butter. We at the Medium are proud to spread the word about the joys of Carver’s nut cream this February, and I guess about those other black people that did something or another for our country.

POINT/COUNTERPOINT

My Boyfriend Spent More Time at Taco Bell Than With Me on Valentine’s Day BY SALLY MCHUGGINS

I think Valentine’s Day is a magical, sacred day for all couples. It’s the day when any girl gets to feel like a princess because her boyfriend is supposed to make her feel like she is the only girl in the world. My boyfriend doesn’t realize that. All I wanted was for him to buy me chocolate and make me a teddy bear, a handmade card, balloons, jewelry, take me out to dinner, hold my hand, buy me dessert and spend lots of money on me. Is that so much to ask? He forgot that it was Valentine’s Day! He spent all fucking day in Taco Bell, brought me back a half eaten burrito, and expected me to put out. Uh, maybe if you brought me a Taco Supreme, then I would consider. YEAH FUCK THAT. WE’RE BREAKING UP, ASSHOLE.

Man, I Love Taco Bell BY SALLY MCHUGGINS

Taco Bell is the greatest invention everrrr. Like seriously, bro. No one understands. I love Taco Bell more than I love anything in life. Every time I go there, I order two of everything on the menu. Thank god for my college student metabolism. How else would I keep up with this Greek-god-like muscular body? No wonder my girlfriend and every other biddie on campus wants my dick. DAMN, am I HOT like that Taco Bell sauce. Hmm, my girlfriend keeps yelling at me and I feel like I’m forgetting something, but I’m going to keep daydreaming about Taco Bell. Wow, I would fuck a quarter pounder chalupa with cheese if I could. Maybe she will shut up if I give her this half-eaten burrito. Taco Bell, you’re always there for me. themedium.opinions@gmail.com

themedium.opinions@gmail.com themedium.opinions@gmail.com themedium.opinions@gmail.com themedium.opinions@gmail.com themedium.opinions@gmail.com themedium.opinions@gmail.com themedium.opinions@gmail.com themedium.opinions@gmail.com themedium.opinions@gmail.com themedium.opinions@gmail.com themedium.opinions@gmail.com themedium.opinions@gmail.com themedium.opinions@gmail.com

themedium.opinions@gmail.com


ARTS

Wednesday, February 15th, 2012

the Medium

â&#x20AC;&#x153;I really fucking love this sweatshirt.â&#x20AC;?

COPROPHILIA

VALENTINES LEFTOVERS

FAILED VALENTINES

Wood you be my Valentine?

Youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re the bomb!

Cum inside!!!

SUBMIT TO ME themedium.arts@gmail.com themedium.arts@gmail.com themedium.arts@gmail.com themedium.arts@gmail.com themedium.arts@gmail. com themedium.arts@gmail.com themedium.arts@gmail.com themedium.arts@gmail.com themedium.arts@gmail.com themedium.arts@ gmail.com themedium.arts@gmail.com themedium.arts@gmail.com themedium.arts@gmail.com themedium.arts@gmail.com themedium. arts@gmail.com themedium.arts@gmail.com themedium.arts@gmail.com themedium.arts@gmail.com themedium.arts@gmail.com themedium.arts@gmail.com themedium.arts@gmail.com themedium.arts@gmail.com themedium.arts@gmail.com themedium.arts@gmail.com themedium.arts@gmail.com themedium.arts@gmail.com themedium.arts@gmail.com themedium.arts@gmail.com themedium.arts@gmail. com themedium.arts@gmail.com themedium.arts@gmail.com themedium.arts@gmail.com themedium.arts@gmail.com


PERSONALS

the Medium HERPES Dear girls behind me on the F bus, I'm not sure if you were blissfully unaware of this at the time, but I could hear every single bit of the conversation you were having. I honestly don't understand how you didn't expect anyone to hear what you were talking about, considering that I'm certain your voices may have carried from our current position at the Red Oak lane stop all the way to the the Newells where I live. I'm publicly proclaiming my residence because you were adamantly reminiscing about your sexual escapades from last weekend, and I want to become a part of your next bus ride conversation. I promise you that I won't disappoint you like the guy who "lasted shorter than it took to put the condom on" quoting you verbatim. Signed, Dropping Eaves P.S. Just you, blondie. Your friend emits an aura of herpes that I frankly don't wish to get mixed up in.

Wednesday, February 15th, 2012

“Kickin it like Ben Folds”

NOT HERPES

To the droopy dog lookin' motherfucker who lives with us. If you not pulling your weight around here didn't piss us off, you fucking over one of our roommates did. Jesus Christ, if I got a dollar for all the fucking things you're completely delusional about I could pay off all my loans for Rutgers and buy you the sessions of therapy you so desperately need. For all the drama you say "you hate" you sure fucking cause a lot of it. And if I have to hear you talk about how guys just want you for your tits one more time, I'm gonna ram my head against the wall. You conceited fuck, if you don't want guys to stare at your tits, how about you stop wearing sizes five times too small for you, god damn. They're probably just staring at you because they're thinking, "Where the fuck do you find these things to wear?" Just because a guy talks to you doesn't mean he wants your pussy. Do us all a favor and take your(I swear I heard the same self and your tacky room bus convo. Either we were decor and leave. on the same F or everyone (Rewind to last year, and on their way to college ave the OMG we are going to talks about the same crap ) be roommates next year! You are a cocky douche- Doesn’t seem so great now bag. Since when does does it?) serving fecal matter To the long legged pissed infested food, getting off guindian in the dcc countless Rutgers stu- with his phat ass guindents sick, and choking dian gf: wtf is with ur people with your dried doorag? Like is that a bun out chicken breasts, give or something? Are you you the right to walk holding all your curry around with that arrogant and hookah up in there? "swag walk". You look Whatever the purpose of like a giraffe missing his your fucked up forehead 21st chromosome. This doorag bun-thing may would explain why sushi be, you look like a retardis now served in a bowl. ed unicorn from mars, Brilliant! So we never and not in a good way. have to see you again, you should shift your (Now thats racist) career over to the janito- To my life, I know I bring rial arts, because Brower a lot of crap on myself, "food" is bad enough, but but can you please give you + Brower food really me a break once and a kicks the nausea level up. while? Do I really deserve all the crap I put up with, When you get hell, you'll or is it just a message that be sucking the chocolate I should just stop trying? tits of Momma Brower for all eternity. FUCK (Downer, Shit’ll get better man. Trust me) YOU.

BRO-ETRY

SHORT NOTE FROM SENATOR STOVE

To the women of college ave, Why must your short skirts invite and tantalize? When loose, they blow 'round in the wind of the night. While tight, they cling to your stocking-bound thigh like so many of my desires for you. I admire from afar how the post-frat-party sheen of your danceborne sweat keeps your skin pristine even in the frigidity of a cold winter night. Your slurred speech and tottering footsteps fill me with hope and wonder, as of one watching a toddler discover the miracle of bipedalism, and the great human achievement of language. I watch you in awe. Signed, Your Only Hope P.S. If that didn't get you wet, I don't know what will. (Ladies and gentlemen, the next broet-laureate)

Yeah, stuff, and the like. Chit chat chit chat send more personals. We have some long submissions this week so ill keep it short. Keep sending the stuff. See you on the right page!

This is for the freaks in the organic chemistry class in Hickman on Monday's and Thursday's ... Stop watching anime in class. It's bad enough that you watch that shit in the first place, but to be so obnoxious that you watch that crap in public and are so into it that you react during lecture to what the fuck is going on needs to stop. I came here to learn enough to try and not fail this stupid class and my experience doesn't need to be worsened by your presence. I cant focus whn every five seconds you are gasping over some bullshit cartoon shit. Stop being weird on purpose it's not cute or funny...you're just a waste of human life. (For some reason I think you wouldn’t be as angry if they were watching epic meal time) To the beautiful girl in my class, I want to tell you how much I love you but I can’t bring myself to do it. You probably think i’m a loser anyway (Might just want to start with a simple Hi so you don’t look like a creeper)

themedium.personals@gmail.com A TRIBUTE TO SATANIC YODA

NOT SUCH A GREAT DEAL

ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNOTOAD

To the really creepy shemale on the EE bus, of all the empty seats on the bus you had to sit right the fuck next to me.You smell like a combination of B-O and windex. I don’t even think you are a student. So my tuition dollars are paying for creepers to just get on the bus and ride through New Brunswick whenever

Continued... they feel like it. Maybe it would have been been better if you didn’t fucking yell at the bus driver for not stopping at Remsen Ave. Its not even a fucking stop, so why would the motherfucking driver stop there? Stay the fuck off the busses so theres more room for people who actually pay for its services


PERSONALS

Wednesday, Februrary 15th, 2012

“Whitney Houston died? Oh I thought it was just some random crack whore.”

POR QUÉ?

PORQUE!

WHY THE FUCK ARE PEOPLE SUCH FUCKING PRICKKS????? (People are such “fucking pricks” because of blah blah blah I don’t give a fuck.)

To the one I want: you are intelligent, funny, and incredibly hot. I’ve wished that we could be together for the past three years or so, and it pains me that it will probably never happen- I’m too chicken to break my current bf’s heart, and don’t want to strain relations in our social circle. You also seem to only like women if they are waif-like Twiggy types; I think I’m a bit too Marilyn Monroe for your taste. I wish I could kiss you just once... ah forget that, I wish for a helluva lot more than that. (I sense something scandalous brewing....) to my roomate who broke my new bong i was so excited when you came home drunk from the bar at 2 am asking to borrow money for blow and then proceeded to fall on my desk and knock over my new bong and shatter it 6 hours after I bought it. GOOD JOB RETARD (Yeah your roommate definitely fails. Bong breaking should be a felony.) To the girl using an umbrella on college ave when it was flurrying wednesday. Chill lady. i know in hongkong it doesn’t snow but you’re going overboard here.

To the retarded bitch from Monmouth on Saturday night: who do you think you are telling me that the DU party sucked when all you golddigging cunts come up here to do is find sugar daddies? Oh, that’s right: your attendance at a glorified community college for rich kids will only land you a degree that won’t get you anywhere but a spot on a future episode on (You do realize that you answered your own question here, right? They were bitching because they dcouldn’t be bitches and get their sugar daddies, preferably ones without said STDs. Oh well, you’re just as dumb as they are probably because you didn’t pick up on that.) To the lx bus at scott hall between 12 and 3 o clock. What the fuck bro? Last time i was on you some random bitch tried to grab my dick. Seriously clear your shit up. Nobody wants a crowded bus. And to the F, good shit girl. (I bet said “random bitch” that tried to “grab your dick” was the most action you’ve gotten in 4 years.) To the guy who helped me find my swipe card (that I dropped in a deep puddle) while he was hungover: You are beyond epic! Had I remembered the personals email, this would have been in the medium weeks ago. I wish I’d gotten your name; you’re awesome! :) (Awwwww how sweet *puke*) To the one called Miss R, Your hair ever so bright, I can see it from this far. Please don’t go out of sight. You keep this place running, So you must not be dumb. Because you’re so stunning, There will be more to come. -- The Dusk (Don’t you just love MILF professors? Not these shitty poems to them, but the professors themselves. Dr. Jones, I’m still waiting....)

(When I was an undergrad I had an Arabic professor who would cancel class every time it flurried. It was awesome.) I’ve got balls of steel! LOL @ WHITNEY HOUSTON!

the Medium

FROM THE DESK OF SATANIC YODA This will be the final time that I address you, the miserable rabble, as Senior Personals Editor. I am, after all, a graduate student and real life is coming. Hopefully you will all be much more helpful to the sorry sucker that has to take this job next than you were for me this semester. Peace out, good people. -SY

RUTGERS MEMES THAT DON’T SUCK (AS OF THIS MONDAY)


THE BACK PAGE “Taylor Swift! Go milk a cow, bitch.”

Illogic Puzzle

BY DR. K | Back Page Editor

Tensions flared at the last Medium party. The editors drank a little too much, and a few fights broke out between writers and editors. Everyone was a bit too drunk to remember what happened.

What’s Stachin’

Use the clues and the logic grid to figure out how many shots each editor had of what liquor and what writer they fought with.

Last Thursday Night In His Spare Time @ http://youtu.be/aJA-Tfbbtdg The guy above became famous to over half a million people for shaving. Really?!? I wrote a fuckin’ book and produce a newspaper every week and no one is talking about me.

Matt-ching Game

BY OSWALDO J. GOLDBOTTOM Staff Infection

Rage

The editor that fought with Supa Krupa Troopa had more shots than the editor that fought with Pokemon Leaf Green. Kaitie did not drink Tequila. The editor that fought with DJ Fresh had either Vodka or Tequila. The editor drinking vodka had the most shots. The male editors had either rum or whiskey. Sara and Kenny definitely fought with writers of their same gender. Kaitie did not fight with Pokemon Leaf Green.

Tonight at 8:00 PM Medium Meeting @ BCC-120A As a group, we will watch http://youtu.be/aJA-Tfbbtdg and decide how to out do it without the involvement of RBK. Tonight at 10:30 PM On Facebook @ My Dorm The guy in the pictures will send me an angry Facebook message because he is not on my page enough.

Wednesday, Mattstache 15th, 2012

The editor who drank rum had neither the most nor the least shots. The editor that fought with KCIG had the least shots, and did not have Whiskey. Editor Kenny Steve Kai4e Sara

Shots

Liquor

Writer

Kenny had less shots than Steve The editor that fought with Supa Krupa Troopa had Whiskey.

Non-Copyright Infringing Phrasal Template Game BY POKEMON LEAF GREEN & SUPA KRUPA TROOPA | Staff Writers

Pandora the ___________ Explora

Belated Valentine

(in case this is your reminder)

There once was a (noun) named Pandora. She liked to (verb) with her friend, Shoes. They were (verb ending in ing) for treasure. They needed the help of Totebag, who had a GPS in him. Their adventure (past tense verb) them to a (place). When

Glee

they walked in, (noun) shot from the (noun) and (past tense verb) Shoes. Pandora, Totebag and GPS continued the journey without him. They found themselves in a (adjective) situation. They had to (verb) over a (noun) of venomous

Lust

snakes on (noun). The GPS fell out of Totebag and (verb) into flames. Pandora and Totebag were still determined to (verb) without GPS. They found themselves (adjective) with the trea-

Power

sure. Pandora (past tense verb) Totebag so she didn’t have to (verb) the treasure with it. When she picked up the treasure, a (noun) was (past tense verb) and crushed her to death.

Uncertainty

For Adults! BY DR. K Back Page Editor

For this game, you will need: The game Candy Land A drink for each player A shot glass Flavored rum Skittles

Today’s issue of The Medium has been brought to you by the letters F and U and the number 2. Preparations: Make one drink for each player. Players can make more as play continues. Place two Skittles of the same color in the shot glass and fill shot glass with rum. Setup Candy Land as per instructions.

The Medium has been funded by The State University of NJ and by Readers Like You! Thank You!

Directions: Play game as normal. Upon landing on the following spots, perform the described action: Red Tile Yellow Tile Rainbow Road Take a drink Take a shot Have gay sex for 10 minutes with the Blue Tile next player of the Pick someone else to Cute Picture same sex to your drink Take a shot right.

Have Mercy!!! themedium.backpage@gmail.com


The Medium 2-15-12