the medium 2/13/13

This paper may not be suitable for persons under 18.

Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com

Volume XLV Issue XIII

50¢

February 13th, 2013

HEAVEN'S GOT TALENT

Thousands of ‘Popefuls’ Arrive at Vatican City for Easter Training

BY SUM DUM JOO EDITOR IN CHIEF

THE VATICAN-- With the announcement of the Retirement of Pope Benedict XVI, the Vatican has been struggling to handle the media onslaught that has plagued Vatican City since the early hours of Monday morning.

While the media is arriving in droves, thousands of Cardinals from numerous dioceses have arrived to prepare to take over the Holy See position. The hopeful Popes, or ‘Popefuls,’ as they were dubbed by the Associated Press, have been seen throughout the tiny nation holding impromptu prayer sessions and brushing up on their Latin.

“I think this is my year,” said Cardinal Mateo Rodriguez, who played for the Archdiocese of Barcelona, where he once threw seven Hail Marys in the course of a minute, more than any in the organization’s history. “I hope the council sees me the most fit to take on the role of

quickies

African wolf spider celebrates Valentine's Day by killing mate, devouring young New strain of 'Whoopi Cough' gives sufferers sassy, raspy voice Former Russian President makes Broadway Debut in 'Putin on the Ritz'

Pontiff. I don’t care how many frocks I have to ruffle, I will get that seat!”

Rodriguez’s competition is fierce, with competitors coming from all over the world to attempt to fill the seat, including

News In pictures

many Americans.

The American team is led by Cardinal Walter Finkle of the Archdiocese of Cleveland. Finkle graduated from the Catholic University of America where he was an All-American Praying

Grammys interrupted by RAPscallions and Swag-amuffins A fratypus took your sister to Outback; Stiffed her on the bill.

WHISKEY SOUR

Olde Queens Flooded By U. Student Successfully Old Queens Navigates Transition From Social Drinker to Functioning Alcoholic

BY KCIG HEAD WrITER

NEW BRUNSWICK -- After deep personal reflection, SAS senior Matt Tamsen successfully made the transition from going out drinking every night with friends to drinking heavily throughout the day by himself.

Said Tamsen, "I gotta say, making the transition was tough, but I had to really actively make some changes because I wasn't truly happy in my life."

According to Tamsen's associates, he would reportedly drink to the point of blacking out evAge is just a number, sugar ery night of the week at bars or These timeless beauties worked hard to hide the royal jewels all night at friends' parties. Now, Tamsen last Saturday.

Bruised Bananas

ESTABLISHED 1970

reports that he spends no time at bars, and will actively avoid going to his friends' parties.

"My old friends were just enabling my really disastrous social drinking habit. I've found that I really don't need them in my life now that I drink alone constantly.”

The change was allegedly initiated by a realization by Tamsen that he really didn't enjoy the 'social' part of being a social drinker, and really just enjoyed the 'drinking' aspect.

"One day I was about to ask my housemate if he wanted to go drinking with me at a local bar. I knew he was going to say Continued on Page 2

the Medium

News

“I took your grammy home with me last night."

Supersize me, 'Governor'

Love is in the air?

"Seasonal Depression isn't Real," Says July to February

Doctors Urge Bulimic Christie, "Please Eat Something"

BY EVERYDAY I'M TRUFFLIN' News Editor

RENTON, NJ-- Early reports T of Governor Chris Christie's weight problem were confirmed at City Hall yesterday as many doctors around the state were worried about the physical state of the Governor.

"He just can't keep food down," said Robert Wood Johnson's Chief of Medicine Hank Mangotta. "He is now classified as a Category 1 Bulimic. He says he hasn't eaten in over 24 hrs, and at the rate he's going he might not make it till the end of the year, let alone the 2016 election. I mean I'm a Republican, and I'm rooting for him, but my political beliefs are superseded by my medical training."

Citing the pressures of the Governor's office as his 'trigger', Christie continues to embrace the oldest of college sorority tradition by just throwing up his food.

Christie's wife, Maggie, says she's been cleaning out local food stores in an effort to bake more food in the hopes her husband would east something.

BY Corridor Man news Editor

Christie, seen here walking with one of his office aids shortly after purging his Five Guy's meal.

"He refuses to eat anything I cook," said Maggie. "He just keeps muttering that his drive to win the presidential election will give him all the satisfaction he needs. I'm nervous for the kids. I'm trying to raise them like normal American kids who become morbidly obese adults."

The Governor himself offered his sentiments at a recent press conference last Monday, "You all need to shut up and mind your own business! All the pundits say you need to be thin if you wanna win the Presidency, so that's what I'm doing!"

News In pictures

New Targum EIC makes staff 527% handsomer

THE STRATOSPHERE--February is still not speaking to July, after the latter month called the former a “perennial crybaby” and a “calendar pussy” sometime this past weekend. July, known for his upbeat, never give a fuck attitude, has gone public with his assertion that February’s recent bout of depression is both “fake and gay”.

“Seasonal depression isn’t real.

Nope, look at me, look at how much fun I’m having. February needs to lighten the heck up.

January too while he’s at it”.

“We all have a cloudy day once in a while, but this is getting ridiculous,” said a somber Febuary. “I love me, LOVE loves me…Valentines day, remember?

Still, everything feels cold to me."

August and June echoed July’s sentiments, while December, January, and even the reclusive and mysterious March stood up for February during his trying time.

“Seasonal depression isn’t just some myth like 'sun showers' and that hootenanny bullshit 'acid-rain,' those things are bogus," said March. “But even I get Alcoholic

...continued from front

the same old things, like 'I can't because I'm a responsible adult'.

I realized that he was right.

That's why I decided, from that day on, that I would just drink by myself and not tell anyone."

"He used to go to the bars so often. Maybe now that he's graduating, he's finally seeing that he needs to start getting serious and get his act together. I'm so proud of him now that he appears to be becoming a responsible young man!" said Tamsen's mother.

Analysts predict that in another six months, Tamsen will make the transition from functioning to non-functioning alcoholic, and then it will be another year before he is sober again, which will last only days, ushering in a lifetime of alcoholism.

Editorial Staff Fall 2012

Wednesday, February 13th, 2013

Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Head Writer

Jordan Gochman Brianna Provenzano

Krupa Patel Kristen Cignavitch

News Editors John Eberhardt Stewart Hallman Features Editor Eli Youssef Opinions Editor Devin Baker Arts Editor Danielle Oyales Personals Editors Michael Lazaropoulos Adam Romatowski

An artist's rough rendition of how February might be looking today.

a little depressed when it’s my time.”

“Nope, that’s not true. Can’t be,” said July. “Life is too awesome. Feb’s a faker”. In response to July’s assertion that February should just “chill out and drink a beer on the roof or something,” February stared wistfully into the distance, shaking his head at what he only wished could be possible.

"It's a tragedy that July and his careless friends, June and August, can't understand what pain and responsibility feels like," said February.

July, August and June then recounted what it's like to forget bringing sunscreen to the beach, or sitting down too far away to reach your cool and refreshing beverage. "We all got problems, deal with it nerds," said July.

Fancy yourself some humor? Come to our meetings at 8:00 postmeridian on the fourth floor of the Rutgers Student Center. Cheers!

VATICAN IDOL

...continued from front

Back and Co-Captain of the Lent Team, which he helped carry to a national victory against the St. John’s ‘Fighting Vincentians.’

“The Lord is on my side,” said Finkle in a press conference at Saint Peter’s Basillca. “And I know he will shephard me forth to kick some Holy ass!”

The Vatican Draft will occur soon, with Vatican coaches and mangers meeting as early as next week to discuss first round picks.

Back Page Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisors

Leif Tornberg Eber 'Heart' Krupa Patel Kristen Cignavitch Barbara Reed Ronald Miskoff Club Mascot Clown Wig

The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus.

This issue is dedicated to News Editor John Eberhardt, who turns 22 this Saturday. He has yet to muster up the courage to talk to a woman.

The line for the amount of girls he'll be talking to this weekend is 3. Talk to the Business Manager for any and all bets. And I'd take the under if I were you.

Features

Wednesday, February 13h, 2013

the Medium

“Am I still missing?”

Valentine’s day help Last minute Ways to Spice Up Your Valentine’s Day

By: Brosef Stalin Resident Person

2)Make a reservation at a fancy resturaunt as soon as possible. What’s that? Everything is booked? Well that’s OK, I won’t leave you hanging. Word on the street is that a little hole in the wall called White Castle will be open for you and your honey.

A Graphic Analysis of Lonely People

Going on a date with our business manager

Tomorrow’s Valentine’s Day, you know. You didn’t forget, did you? Of course you didn’t, besides, 24 hours is tons of time to prepare, and fret not, for we’ve got tips to make sure your day goes off without a hitch.

1) First, you’re gonna want to get some roses. Of course it’d be nice if you could grab a dozen from the local flower shop, but that shit don’t cost a dollar, so you might as well stop by the gas station, because beggars can’t be choosers, and we’re not here to impress. Besides, if they chose you, they can’t be very picky.

Breakin’ it down, with the medium

What People Are Doing On 2alen3ne45 Da6

Being filled with spite and angst and loneliness

>t:s 9alen7ne:s day?

3) Buy chocolates. Preferably in a box. If you can’t really get a box of chocolates, just swing by the convenience store and buy a bag. I’m sure no one will mind, chocolate is chocolate, you know.

4) Try writing a poem that expresses your love. Be sure to liken her to mundane objects like the sun, or a gardern. Feel free to borrow liberally from the works of great romanticists such as Shakespear, or E.L. James.

6ai7ng around 8or 9alen7ne:s chocolares to go on sale Hookers

Win a date with our business manager Come to room 439 of the Rutgers Student center at 8:00 PM tonight For the opportunity of a lifetime.* Also, check us out on the web at rutgersmedium.com and ignore those other links that show up when you google us *May not be an opportunity of a lifetime

5) Alway remember, it’s the thought that counts.

Have an idea for a feature? Want to submit your own cute thing of the week?

Send whatever you want to themedium.features@gmail.com Because I am desperate and lonely and I’m so sad, so very very sad.

Cute thing of the week

Life hacks

What Not to Say On Valentine’s Day By: Supa Krupa Troopa Business Manager 1. I turn red around you, not because I’m blushing but because I’m having a herpes outbreak.

2. I couldn’t afford to buy you a box of chocolate so here’s my dick in a box!

3. Does anyone want to cuddle? PLEASE. I’M GOING TO DIE ALONE. HELP! 4. Fucking you is like fucking a burrito from Taco Bell. Limp, not spicy and…DIARRHEA! 5.I love you, marry me and have my kids! All 26 of them! P.S. I’m a Mormon!

6. Remember that time we had sex in Beck Hall? Happy Valentine’s Day! 7. Did you fall from heaven? Because you are definitely Satan.

8. I feel something for you, but it’s not in my heart, it’s in my pants.

Numbers With the medium

94

Things in my trunk that I’m not supposed to talk about.

40%

Increase in odds of you breaking up tomorrow.

9. Girl you’re like rice. I wanna eat you outta’ the container.

1 in 4

STDs that have originated from Rutgers.

1

Number of stalkers you have.

He’s watching you right now by the way.

the Medium

OP/ED

Wednesday, February 13th 2013

“Thanks Sam for showing me where people take dumps in secrecy in Loree.”

featured commentary

It’s Valentine’s Day and I Teach a Hard Class, Why Don’t Any Students Want To Fuck Me?

Political Confessions

I’m In Love With a Member of Congress

BY DR. HARRY P. NESS As a prestigious and widely-published professor at this university, I find the Valentine’s Day holiday to be especially frustrating. Seeing all of these young, beautiful women wandering around campus with their dumbass boyfriends infuriates me, for why are these voluptuous scholarly females not flocking to my dick?

Don’t they need to pass my classes on theoretical physics and the neuroscience of human sexuality?

And seriously, with all my books on the behavior of neutrinos in three theoretical dimensions and articles on errors in the cosmological microwave background, what young vagina would not instantly go moist upon hearing of my intellectual prowess?

My superior ability to describe the complexities of quantum mechanics is comparable to my supe-

rior ability to stimulate clitorises into convulsive fits of pleasure. There is no way that some random asshole adjunct in the Women’s Studies department should be getting more ass than I. Not to mention that all of those fucking Indian TAs smell repulsive.

“You really should consider staying after class because you’re failing.”

I mean, come on, my class is just as hard as my cock on the first day of the semester. I do not believe it is possible to even dream of passing with a C without paying some attention to my D - unless you’re a dude, that is. Fuck, I am even willing to consider exchanging an A grade for a quality handjob. There is just no way that these dumb

university voices

bitches are going to pass my class on their own.

This is getting ridiculous. I can’t count on these Indian and Asian bitches to come to me for a little ‘extra help’ on their homework (even though I do love those Asian girls...) so where are the all the white girls at? That blonde sitting in the back of my recitation is definitely ripe for some office hours, and I’ve seen her walking with her boyfriend after class.

That guy is a fucking idiot. He’ll never understand how Higgs-Bosons give all particles mass no matter how hard he tries and she’s dooming herself to failure by staying with him.

Seriously, girl, if you’re reading this, you really should consider staying after class because you’re failing. You better do SOMETHING about that if you want to graduate.

What are you plans for Valentine’s Day?

“Going to a super romantic dinner with the best boyfriend in the world!”

Melissa Strongam, Freshman & Girlfriend of Two Days “Snuggling up to a tub of Breyers ice cream and ‘The Notebook’.”

Jamie Wiltort, Abstinent Engineering Junior “Looks like I’m going to dinner with that crazy bitch Melissa.”

Josh Douglas, Senior & Boyfriend of Melissa Strongam

BY DEREK SLIDER As soon as you announced your candidacy for Arizona’s 9th congressional district, I knew I had to have you: Kyrsten Sinema, the name of an angel. While I have had my eyes on many politicians before, there is no one else quite like you.

You have it all: blond hair, a liberal mindset, a Bachelor of Arts, a master’s degree, a law degree, and even a Ph.D. What other member of Congress has all of that education and is still able to maintain their sexiness? Not a single one.

When Election Day came around last year, I was extremely nervous. I was more worried about your race than any other race in the nation. This just shows you how much I truly cared about you and of course this love has not disappeared.

The results came in.

Your race was too close to call. I couldn’t bear to

hear this news. I wanted it to be over and you to be declared the victor. I just had to learn to be patient.

It wasn’t until a week later that all of the votes were counted. After all of the agony that I went through, it was worth it because you did it. You won a seat in the House of Representatives. That was the greatest day of my life.

While I am merely a lonely political science undergraduate at Rutgers University, I will continue to wait for you. Now that you are in Washington, D.C. I shall make it my top priority to visit you and confess my love to you once and for all.

I also know that, coincidentally, you are the first openly bisexual member of Congress.

That will make things that much spicier when we become intimate. I’m open to experimentation.

Point/counterpoint

I Can’t Wait To Rub One Out

BY JAKE GORDAN

Tomorrow is the big day: Valentine’s Day. While I don’t have a Valentine, it’s not all that bad. Like most of my days alone, I plan on whipping my knob out and putting it in my trusty left hand where I will then proceed to crank one out. It’s gonna be great. I look forward to these “sessions” whenever I am stressed out.

This year, I’m making sure I put my best effort forward because I want to feel real good by the time I’m finished. My hand and pecker are gonna be so sore and dry by the time it’s over. This is some good advice to all the single guys out there. Don’t be ashamed of who you are and don’t be ashamed of the five knuckle shuffle.

You Are Not Using Me To Masturbate

BY LEFTY THE HAND Listen Jake, I know that tomorrow is Valentine’s Day and I know you’ll be alone, but can you take it easy on me, even for just one day? I’m tired of being taken advantage of. You can’t always take your frustration out on me. I am a respectable body part and I will not be a part of this nonsense.

Did you even buy me a gift? Some chocolates or something would be nice. At least show a little appreciation for everything I’ve done for you. The last time you used me for your pleasure, you didn’t even use lotion. It hurts me so much physically and emotionally when there is a lack of lubricant. How can you possibly live with yourself? You take advantage of me and I will not stand for it.

Wednesday, Febuary 13h, 2013

Arts

“Kirito’s cousin is in love with him”

VALENTINE ELEPHANT

I’M A BITTER SENIOR

LAST WEEK’S SUBMISSIONS

EXQUISITE BEASTS GAME....(draw the fourth evolution!)

You guys are so artistic! Remember, I will publish you on my page! Submit more beasts to: themedium.arts@ gmail.com The rules are simple. Draw the fourth evolution for the picture on the right >>> Have other comic ideas? Send them to me as well!

CHARITABLE ACTS

the Medium

Personals

the Medium DRESS VIOLATIONS

CALL OUT!

To the bitch at Brower who cut me off on stir fry night when I was ahead of her and they opened a new line so she just went...fuck you.

To the guy who let me go ahead of him because I’d been waiting the lon(I’m sure she’s just adver- gest.... Thank you. You tising her fortune cookie for are truly a gentleman and Chinese New Year. Confu- I hope nothing but good cius say “The Snakes of this things happen for you. year will be entering her at full force”... in bed.)

(Seriously, it’s Brower food.

You should be thanking the why do you jock wanbitch that cut you off. She nabes insist on wearing delayed your inevitable dysshorts in a blizzard? entary.)

(Because nothing says ‘in- To that douchey hipster secure, macho douche like guy/chick that wouldn’t a pair of testicle retreating pick up a medium after from winter’s frigid air.) staring at it for 5 minutes. take your bennie hat and To the Neo-Nazi looking shove it up your ambivadude in my Western Civ lent gendered ass. sinclass. you say that those cerely the medium staff 20 or so piercings on your face dont hurt? i’ll bring (We are absolutely serious some magnets next time about this. Pick up our fuckso we can test that theory ing paper your shit-brained Who the fuck left all their drones. The Medium is the bras in the common room only thing you have to look on saturday? Was it you forward to and you all know it.) sorority fucks again?

(Sounds like some people To Rutgers accountants know how to have a good who fucked up my reimtime. You just gotta love bursement check, you only have to do work the strip poker.) first two weeks of the To fat pony tail guy, when semester and you can’t you came into bio wear- even handle that, I hope ing combat boots, camo, Chris Christie lays off and a black trench coat, your fat useless asses, I was ligitamately scared I don’t even think you fo my life. I was think- could handle the cash ing shiiiiiiiiiiiiit he gonna register at Taco Bell.. go ham and shoot us. i thought you had a gun (At his point, Chris Christie under your coat, but it is so full of angst and nacho turns out you just gained cheese that if you wanted weight. it’s ight, we cool him to fire these assholes, he could just sit on them.) now To the stupid asian whore on the LX right next to me. Who the fuck do you think you are wearing a damn mini skirt, no jacket, and enough make up for me to mistake you for a clown?

(With spelling like yours, natural selection will get you before any psychopath does.)

To the students of my expos class, what the fuck is wrong with your generation? It is below 30 degrees, below FREEZING, and you sluts/guidos insist on wearing mini skirts and shorts outside in what can only be a preliminary arctic. I’ll give you all D’s for being so FUCKING stupid.

(That’s some poor word choise for an english teacher. Giving all your slutly students ‘the D’ .)

Wednesday, February 13th 2013

“I am HIV positive and perpetually flatulent”

If DJ Yoshi’s going to be at basketball games a) stop playing over the band b) take down your own podium, you’re not g-d and c) 73 is not a valid jersey number!! You might as well quit while you’re ahead. It’s bad enough you’re at football games. ~a basketball fan who goes to the game and stays until the end

(Leave Yoshi alone, he has to carry baby Mario around all the time and his back hurts.

Wait, not that Yoshi? Sorry I wouldn’t know who that DJ is because I don’t go to those games. Because, you know, our basketball team is I love girls who wear absolute shit.) yoga pants. Nuff said.

I DO IT IN A BUS

LOVE WILL KEEP US ALIVE

To the k-pop fucktard behind me on the REXL. you smell like cigarets and all kinds of shit. take a shower

I know we don’t always see eye-to-eye. But I love you. I NEED you. Your irrational and deeply passionate words of blinding hate towards others is the only thing I have to look forward to anymore. So please, don’t be a douchebag. Send in your personals to themedium.personals@ gmail.com.

(He smelled like ALL kinds of shit? Really? Like Mumbai Musk? Like New Brunswick Browners? Like Dallas Dump? I’ve got a whole list of shit smells, we can do this all day.)

To the old bitch who wouldn’t shut up last week on the REXL during rush hour. We get that you had work today but can you please shut the fuck up about it.

God you’ve been talking about the same shit for 20 minutes and your talking is making my ears fucking bleed and I really cannot take it anymore. My ipod can’t go any higher then what its at and yet I can still hear you. I hope next time you try to get on a bus someone has the brains to push your ass off

NEMO? THE FISH?

THE WORKFORCE

To all the pussies that went back home for the blizzard. It was inches, just a few inches. Chill the fuck out and stop acting like it was hurricane Sandy. Oh no! No hot water!

The worst thing ever is that I’m at my internship now and the most productive thing I’ve done all day is find a plastic fork to eat lunch with and not get yelled at by my boss.

(That blizzard was no joke man. It was horrible. I’ve SEEN things man. And some stuff. I wouldn’t recommend it.)

(Behold America! This is how Obama plans to put us all to work again.)

To all the motherfuckers who continue to buy cheep Honda Civics and trick them out with extra horsepower and spiffy wheels... you’re extremely loud cars won’t compensate for your small penises. You and your ratchet girlfriends can take your ratchet excuse for a vehicle and crawl back to ghetto. Besides, we all you blast the bass and not the motor. Its just proper etiquette

To the fucking dickhead who failed to clean (Wow another one about the the snow off of his car: REXL, huh? I sort of feel thanks for getting me all for that old beeatch though. full of snow as you drove I would be pissed off my by! It was all I wanted rocker if the only to places on a Sunday night to get I could go to were Douglass pelted by an icy mess that and Livingston.) your lazy ass couldn’t be bothered to clean. Fuck To the girl on the LX who you. said “oh contraire”. fuck you cunt (This guy is probably the kind of fatass that gets a cramp from sitting his ass WHAT’S THIS? down. Wiping off his car is (They mix up horsepower Dear current and/or for- like a triathelon for him.) with horse cock all the time.) mer Targum colmnist, You are a pussy. You are a pussy because I just read an article composed of your sniveling. There is not an “anti-semitic environment” at rutgers.

Theres a good chance that its a homophobic environment. Definitely a transphobic one.

Muslims aren’t getting much of a pass either.

But you’re just a dipshit. Eighth Page (~20 in2) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $45 The real problem is mom Quarter Page (~40 in2) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $75 didn’t pack your lunch Half Page . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$120 and McDonalds forget to Full Page . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$180 drop the toy in with your happy meal. Shut the Story Written as Ad . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ask Us fuck up. Sincerely, god- Webpage Banner . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$30/week The Medium is The Entertainment Weekly of Rutgers damn everyone University. Place an ad in this very popular student-run (Yeah so, I didn’t really paper and reach up to 35,000 students throughout the New understand some of those big words you were using. Brunswick and Piscataway area. 3,000 issues are published However, I do understand every Wednesday and are delivered to all four campuses.

Happy Meal. Can I have a This is a great opportunity for your student organization or Happy Meal? I want to go business to get its name out to the public!

McDonalds and contract a *In addition to prints, all issues are available on our webSTD from the toilet seat.) site: www.rutgersmedium.com

ADVERTISE WITH US!

PERSONALS

Wednesday, February 13th 2013

the Medium

“Soup’s On!”

COME VISIT BIG PAPA From the SEXY Right Page editor Dr. Tossed Salad, I LOVE IT WHEN YOU CALL ME BIG PAPA. So show Big Papa some love this Valentine’s Day by sending me personals about how great it was to fuck your significant other, or how great it was to get your room to yourself so you could fuck yourself silly. Which ever, what ever, just send me personals at! themedium.personals@gmail.com And then you can come to our meetings in the Rutgers Student Center from 8:00pm to 9:00pm Wednesday nights in room 439.

SIMPLE MATH Slug + Fudge = Sludge (Now how can you argue with that logic? You my friend are going places.)

TAKIN’ A SHIT To my frat bro colleague: thanks for letting me take a dump in your house that night I was hittin the bars. I seriously enjoyed sitting on the throne in your frat castle. Thanks to me, that crapper has now transformed into a golden throne made of the finest 24 karat gold.

Enjoy shitting like a king!

(Nothing like taking a nice douce before a night on the town, but if your in a frat house you can’t make it better for them, you gotta paint the town brown in there.)

To the guy who was taking a shit on the top floor of the RSC, damn man I left fifteen minutes ago to give you your space and I come back and your still here.

SWEET REVENGE To all the femi-nazis complaining about “revenge porn:” it’s your bitchez fault that you screwed over some guy in the first place. Now that your titties, asses, and pussies are going unused after you dumped whomever in your past, at least put them to good use by having other desperate guys whack off to them on their PCs! Quit whining, get back in the kitchen, and resume your status as objects already.

(Looks like your one of the guys who put these pictures up, and to that my good sir I say “Thank you.”)

To Rutgers accountants who fucked up my reimbursement check, you only have to do work the first two weeks of the semester and you can’t even handle that, I hope Chris Christie lays off your fat useless asses, I don’t even think you could handle the cash register at Taco Bell.

(I know how you feel I hate these fucks too. All they do is take my money, then tell me I didn’t give them enough, then they recount and find I gave them the right amount. Two weeks later I find out that they lost all my paperwork I gave them. I really don’t think To the fuckers who are they could handle working always taking a shit in at Taco Bell either.) the Scott Hall bathrooms, theres always like ten To my fucking roommate people waiting for you who thinks it’s funny to fucks to clear out. I hope make jokes about cumnext time you have to ming on my pillow, just shit someone else is takin wait till you get home toyour “spot” and you shit night and you see whats on your pillow asshole. yourself.

(Damn dude give the guy a break, who knows what he was going through in there.

He could have been going to war and here you are bitching because he is still in there. Give the guy a fuckin break.)

MEATY BLACK DICKS To the girl in my major who never stops complaining: holy fuck, I wish I could stuff a cumulonimbus-sized bag of meaty black dicks in your mouth to shut you up. If you hate your classes so much, why don’t you switch to some BS major like English, E-PIB or History? And anyone that panders to your whining is a cockwaffle glazed with semen as syrup. We also know how hard you kiss ass to the professors in our dept - I bet your nose is brown from eating their hairy assholes too. I hope you have a nervous breakdown and get your dreams shattered, you white winesipping bitch.

(I have to say the “cumulonimbus” bag of black dicks, the cockwaffle glazed in semen and the eating hairy asshole all sound like wonderful things to me, you should indroduce me to this chick.)

AYE AYE MATEY To my housemates: fuck all of you. You all sit around and complain about how much everyone else sucks. The only people who don’t do it are the ones who leave the house to go and DO THINGS all day, you know, like functioning members of society?

Flush the fucking toilet and go hit yourselves on the heads with dirty frying pans.

(I’d say if I was your housemate that I’m gonna wash the pans and toilet with your toothbrush, then have another housemate cum on it.)

To the housemate that doesn’t clean his pan after cooking eggs: don’t look now, but someone in the house is going to shove it down your throat if you don’t clean it. It won’t be me, but I’ll watch.

(Not something I’d be interested in watching, unless it was a chick, then I might, sounds like it would have some potential.)

GOIN KITTY CRAZY

SOUR TWAT

To the weird cat girl that I have been repeatedly making fun of for years, I want to formally apologize. I did not realize at the time that your coat covered in cat hair, or the fact that you play with yarn during class, or even your annoying purring during exams were not just your social incompetence and compulsive obsession with cats showing through, but instead were signs of a superhero in the making. It is now obvious to me that no one can be that overly creepy and out of touch with reality without being the cat women herself. It is because of this recent revelation that I want to both apologize and thank you. I am sorry I did not discover your alter-ego sooner and I want to thank you for assisting the Dark Knight in saving Gotham, so he can once again star in a block buster hit. Sincerely, your number 1 fan.

To the condescending bitch who referred to me as “honey”, 1) you’re near my age so don’t try to act like you’re oh so much older and 2) calling other people honey doesn’t make you more mature when you’re acting like a sour twat. So fuck off and don’t patronize me.

(Dear my number 1 fan, well thank you for giving away my secret identity.

Now I won’t be able to help my good friend Bruce anyone with the whole saving the world thing. As for the playing with yarn and purring, fuck you bitch its a hobby of mine. I’m a fucking superhero aren’t I allowed to have a hobby that I do in my spare time?)

Dear Art Editors, Whoever made the cat striped sweater cartoon, I love you.

It’s hanging on my wall right now :)

(I like when people call me honey. My girl calls me honey whens shes done sucking my balls and I have to say i enjoy it. So don’t be dissing the word yo.)

To the girl on the LX bus last week, damn girl please never wear yoja pants again. That camel toe was sticking so far out it almost poked me in the eye. However, your ass did look nice.

(Well as long as her ass looked nice shut the fuck up, maybe some of us like ccamel toe, it does look mighty tasty.)

WENT THERE

S

To the members of an executive board in a ‘secret’ relationship: we know.

We alllllllll know. Just come out with it already and let us all hate you as an entity rather than as two individuals.

(And if your gonna come out with it, may I watch?

But if not thats cool ya know whatever. )

To a student leader: you are leading students, not your friends. Let everyone be happy and stop driving the rest of us crazy with your sick mind Cats always run in the games. night and they always pee in the rain.

(Yeah man no one likes a tease, and it’s almost fuckin (Well thank you for what- Valentine’s day and your ever this shit is supposed playin with peoples minds, to mean. Poem? Song? A not cool.) warning to watch out for cats in the dark and in the To all the losers who rain?) stood behind me at the Rutgers Cinema free To the girl that won’t night line. Ted was aweshut up about her cat some wish you guys “Tucker” who lives on could have seen it. my floor: it’s actually okay if you keep talking (Awh poor fucks missed out about Tucker. He sounds on a free movie, guess they cool. went and got some pussy instead, I think it’s an even (Fuck Tucker, Tucker sucks.) trade.)

(T

The Back Page

Wednesday February 13, 2013

“Happy Valentine’s Day....tomorrow”

Film: Adjusted

COME TO OUR MEETING TONIGHT WE WILL GIVE YOU A VALENTINE IF YOU SHOW UP

What’s Shakin’?

Tonight at 8:00 PM Medium Meeting @ CAC Student Center Room 439 Please come- I give free BJ’s.

February 15 at 8:00 PM RUPA presents free money @ Doolittle Hall This is real, come for free money.

February 8- February 17 Antigone @ Cabaret Theatre It might be good... MIGHT be All The Time Party in Jon Kijne’s pants @ 167 Hamilton Why haven’t you shown up?

For Lonely People Paste a photo of you and your unrequited valentine so you can pretend you had a romantic Valentine’s Day.

Useless Review of the Week

BY POKEMON LEAF GREEN

Valentine’s Day Presents First, I’d just like to say how expensive Valentine’s Day presents are. I dropped way too much money on chocolates, flowers, and a stupid teddy bear. Do girls even like teddy bears, or are they just like “look I have a boyfriend fuck you single girls?” After excessive spending, I get nothing in return except a kiss and a hug, something I could have gotten on a normal day. Maybe she could have gotten me something small; like a Transformers mask or even a Milky Way? I fucking love Milky Ways. They are like Three Musketeers on crack; I could go for one of those. It’d make this whole bullshit holiday better. Or a beer. I could use a beer. Fuck romantic wine. I want a beer.

She could get me that for Valentine’s Day, and it would make all this spending better. I give Valentine’s presents zero stars because fuck you cupid.

Valentine’s Day Maze

BY RANDY BUTTERNUBS

You’re all alone on Valentine’s Day. Find the porn, but avoid depression!