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Volume XLVII Issue I QUICKIES
Freshman Still Waiting to Cross George Street Sexually Satisfied Barchi Announces, "Aw what the hell, no class tomorrow!" Movie Critics Take Apart Lego Movie JK Rowling Rewrites Harry Potter Franchise as an Erotic Crime Drama No Athelete Are Putin in Sochi Barchi Shamed for Small Endowment
February 12th, 2014
50¢
GEORGE ZIMMERMAN TO BOX HEALTHY GIRAFFE BY CORRIDOR MAN EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
COPENHAGEN, DENMARK – Following the cancellation of the highly publicized celebrity boxing match between George Zimmerman and rapper DMX, officials at the Copenhagen Zoo in Denmark have stepped forward to arrange a new bout, replacing DMX with a perfectly healthy male giraffe. The zoo, which recently killed a healthy giraffe to save space and prevent inbreeding, has promised to produce another of the animal to fight Zimmerman. As fate would have it, despite DMX’s exit, an African will still have the opportunity to beat up George Zimmerman. Zoo official Markus Danish outlined his plan for the pay-per-view match. “With our first giraffe, we didn’t know what to do with
it so we just killed it,” he said. “This time around we needed a more creative approach to wrong our animals.”
NSA T AND A
As was the last giraffe, the carcass of the loser will be fed to the zoo lions. The match, which Continued on Page 2
NSA Reports Confirm ‘Stacy is a Total Bitch’
BY RANDY BUTTERNUBS NEWS EDITOR
SOUTH BRUNSWICK, NJ – With many communication companies admitting to their involvement with government surveillance of the general public, NSA reports that have been made available to the public, confirming that Stacy Morehouse is “a total fucking bitch.” This information was retrieved from text messages originating from the cell phone of River Valley High School junior Monica Dalton who in a 37 message tirade of Stacy’s apparent bitchiness. As NSA agents decoded the teenage encryptions, it was revealed that Stacy had begun dating Monica’s best friend’s third ex-boyfriend only five days after they had broken up. It was this event that led Monica to send a mass text message to several of her friends, family members, and, for unknown reasons, NSA agents directly.
Agents are still debating on whether Monica Dalton’s behavior in her telecommunications makes her a threat to the United States and to the security of its freedoms. The NSA keeps surveillance on millions of Americans every day, but remarkably very few exhibit tendencies of a terrorist or mass murderer. However, during one instance, Monica made a phone call to discuss her abhorrence of Stacy and told her friend, “I mean, Stacy is such a fucking sluttly bitch, you know, I mean, like, I would fucking kill her for being such an ugly bitch, like, you know?” The NSA recently issued a red alert after this phone call and armed agents are positioned outside of the Dalton home to suppress the terrorist threat. Real-time reports are coming in as this issue goes to print to con"LIKE OMG INBD! TGIF SUV TXT UR BF TTFN" firm that this wanted criminal is Monica sends a sad photo to her boyfriend, Eddy Snowden currently posting an emotionally vague Facebook status.
Lost in an Awesome Igloo SInce 1970