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INSTA: @themediumRU
Janurary 27th 2016
Volume LI Issue I 50¢ AT LEAST SOMETHING’S GETTING PLOWED
BITTER STUDENT SEXILED DURING WINTER STORM JONAS
BY RADIO RAHEEM PROFESSIONAL PEEPING TOM
NEW BRUNSWICK—This Saturday, New Brunswick was blasted with just over two feet of snow, leading to offcampus sophomore engineering student Timothy Snyder being forced outside to support his roommate's need to bang his girlfriend. For many students, Winter Storm Jonas was a great opportunity to kick back and relax, have a good time with some friends, and bond over the incredulity of the weather outside. Unfortunately, Snyder, a resident of Sicard Street, wasn’t so lucky. Snyder’s roommate invited his girlfriend over before the storm, and it was only a matter of time before the symphony of obnoxious copulation forced him out of his house. After he could no longer
withstand the noise coming from upstairs, Snyder decided to brave the cold. While his roommate was about five and a half inches deep, Snyder was approaching twenty-six. The Medium was able to get a brief interview with Snyder while he
was out in the elements. “Why am I outside? Because my roommate is an inconsiderate prick, that’s why! I can’t believe this gu- FUCK!” Mid-sentence, Snyder had slipped and his right boot fell all Continued on Page 2
EXECUTIVE ORDURE
Obama Shits on Kremlin Lawn
BY SOME SCHMUCK NOVICE WABBIT HUNTER
MOSCOW, RUSSIA —In what has been described by young liberals as a generally good diplomatic move, U.S. President Barack Obama was recently caught defecating on the lawn of the Moscow Kremlin, residence of Russian Federation Prime Minister Vladimir Putin. Though the State Department is yet to comment on Mr. Obama’s actions, the move has been viewed favorably among his own supporters. “I don’t care what Fox News and the Repub-LIE-cans say, Obama is a good president!” said Meredyth Jackson, treasurer of the Iona College Democrats. “This move is a strong statement against gun violence, and I am very proud of Obama for having the stridence to carry it
QUICKIES
Oscar Committee Not Racist, Claims To Have Multiple Black Friends All New Brunswick Roads & Sidewalks Are Clear! Barchi sees his shadow; Rutgers Open and Operating Sophomore Passes Finance; Buys Stock in RadioShack Transfer Students Bend Over to Get Fucked by Housing
"THAT'S THE SMELL OF FREEDOM" Pres. Obama squats down and pinches a loaf for America as he poots in front of Putin.
out.” continued Jackson. “He’s basically my hero.” Andrew Wheaten, a member of the Tennessee Tech Progressives, further clarified, “we are very grateful for President Obama’s statement in solidarity with Muslims. I’m not
yet sure of the connection, but it should soon become obvious.” Wheaten declined to comment on the symbolic meaning of the Jack Daniels whiskey bottle present in Mr. Obama’s hand at the time. Continued on Page 2
BUTT BUMPING!!! Since 1970
Rutgers Bans Hoverboards, Vaping, BMWs and Dave Matthews DJ Khalid Crime Alerts: Another One