December 9, 2015 Issue

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INSTA: @themediumRU

December 9th 2015

Volume XLX Issue XII 50¢ MY RISING ACTION NOW CUMMING TO A CLIMAX

RUPA'S 70'S MOVIE NIGHT AT RU CINEMA ENDS PREMATURELY

BY WALTER CRONKITE JR. PURELLE SUPPLIER

P I S C A T A W AY — R u t g e r s University Programming Association (RUPA) sponsored a “70's Night” at the Rutgers Cinema this weekend, only to see it end early and disastrously.

Like many theaters during the 1970's, RUPA showed adult films, but did not count on what would happen next.

Advertising this as “finals stress relief” many students took the term “relief” too literally.

“They basically said we could jack off in the theater,” said Beta Rho Omicron pledge Tony Diesel. “Everybody jerked it in porno theaters back in the day, and this event was supposed to be a relief. As in me relieving myself of my semen.”

RUPA planned on screening three of the most popular adult films from the 70's: “Lovely,

"WHY IS THE FLOOR ALWAYS STICKY?!"

Rutgers Cinema had its time as a novel, new theater but has now been usurped by "Netflix and Chill" and the fact that RUPA got students' spunk on the seats.

Lovely Liars,” “Mysteries Inside Sex Castle,” and “Oh My God Black Men Have Huge Penises, Interracial is Amazing!”

The event was cancelled only thirty minutes into the screening of the first movie.

“I was absolutely appalled,”

said Rutgers Women’s Center Coalition member Laura Epstein. “I came to admire the pioneering women of film who celebrated their bodies on camera. But instead, the theater Continued on Page 2

YOU BETTER LOOK OUT, YOU BETTER NOT SNITCH

Modern Day Santa Claus Brings Weed to New Jersey Hometowns

BY ROBERT FAKINAWAY SHIT FLING CHAMPION

NEW BRUNSWICK—With the impending holidays come many students returning to their hometowns away from New Brunswick or any city where they can get hooked up with some fresh kush.

The winter break therefore comes much to the dismay of Rutgers Students as most must endure the festivities with their extended family completely sober. However, a particular man, known only as Gum-Shoe Clyde, is touring across New Jersey suburbs to deliver quality marijuana to the exasperated lttle boys and girls.

Amanda Lewis, a SAS junior and resident of One Horse, NJ, told the Medium how relieved

"YOU BETTER GET HIGH" The elusive Gum Shoe Clyde, found loitering at the Christmas display at a local Starbucks.

she was to have a ready supply of drugs to help cope with her reality. "So it's my dad's side, my mom's side, my older brother's girlfriend, my mom's foreign

co-worker and the cat lady four doors down who are all coming over for a Christmas Eve party AND for New Years. Also, all the Continued on Page 2

SCISSOR ME!!!!

Since 1970

QUICKIES

"Google" is Bing's Most Searched Query

Frat Holiday Party will Celebrate the Birth of Chris Barchi looks toward his Final Semester Inside: 5 Most Exclusive Cockfighting Rings in N.B. Beijing Smog "Red Alert" Leaves People Coughing Blood, Lucky Chipotle rebranded "E. Coolio" Former US Drone Pilots denounce Program despite what they know can happen to them Mike Rice Reheated, Now Abusing Children

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NEWS

“It's satire until you make it about jerking off.”

WHAT'S IN THE BOX?!?!?!

Wednesday, December 9th 2015

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SERIOUSLY, GO THE FUCK AWAY

"Giving Day" Scam Siphons Student Doesn't Understand More Money from Donors that it's Closing Time

BY TRAITOROUS GUMBALL NOVICE WABBIT HUNTER

PISCATAWAY—Students who donated to the university were given small gift boxes which contained parking tickets.

On December 1st, Rutgers University started its own annual tradition of “Giving Day”, which aims to use the holiday season to gather funds.

“When I opened my box, a 35 dollar parking ticket greeted me,” said SAS freshman Danielle Tripsas. “I’m not even allowed to bring my fucking car here!”

As an extension of Rutgers’ anti-discrimination policy, the gift boxes were given out to all donating students, regardless of whether or not they have a car on campus. Sparing them from the gifts would be discrimination against higher income families, according to the Language Matters Campaign at Rutgers.

“Imagine if you couldn’t get involved with a campus event because you didn’t have enough money? You would feel discriminated against, right?”

pondered Oliver McCallum, founder of the Language Matters Campaign. “That’s why all students are eligible for parking fines!”

Donors who are not affiliated with Rutgers were not given gift boxes, as the Rutgers Parking Authority has no power-- over them.

This behavior is not new to Rutgers University. Rutgers increased tuition last summer for no reason whatsoever, which was proven by the internet attack

by Exfocus last September.

“Honestly, if you’re stupid enough to believe that the school legitimately needs donations, you deserve the parking ticket.” said Rutgers President Robert Barchi. “Gifts are the whole point of the holiday season, so in a way, we’re giving the students the opportunity to celebrate to the best of their ability.”

Giving Day will return every December 1st for the foreseeable future. It is unknown if parking tickets will continue to be given as prizes.

BY ANIME HAIR ON DUTY

NEW BRUNSWICK—Claiming that it was a nice night to go on a leisurely stroll, Rutgers student Nathan Felderman, 22, entered the local Barnes&Noble exactly five minutes before closing time.

“I wasn't even looking for anything in particular,” recalls Felderman, “but mingling amongst the shelves as employees anxiously waited on the sidelines for me to leave really gave a little flavor to my night. “ Barnes & Noble cashier Betty Patrelli, 19, describes Felderman's actions. “At first I thought he was just going to just quickly buy something,” Patrelli recounts, “because this man had two functional set of

eyes and so could see not only the closing time on the door but also that he was only customer left in the store.” But as the last minutes of the night wore on, it was clear to the employees that this customer was determined to stay for as long as feasibly possible.

“When [a fellow employee] informed him that the store was going to close in two minutes, he smiled,” Patrelli recalled.

“A friendly smile. But...an empty one. Then he continued to browse as if nothing had happened.”

Felderman reportedly stayed in the store seven minutes after closing, at which point he put the book that he had been carrying around onto a clothing rack near the exit door.

EMPOWERING WOMEN THROUGH EDUCATION

THUS FINALIZES ANOTHER SEMESTER OF SATIRE, STUPIDITY & SOMETHING THIRD THING. HERE'S WISHING YOU: A FINALS SEASON FULL OF MERCY, A HOLIDAY SEASON FULL OF STRONG DRINK, AND GETTING LAID BY YOUR HIGH SCHOOL CRUSH WHEN YOU GET BACK HOME. GET SOME! I didn’t even think the scenes ...continued from front were that hot. Too much hair.”

RUPA has since apologized was overrun with men in trench for their poorly planned event, coats rubbing themselves in the and the Women’s Center back rows.”

Coalition is now calling for a The first sign of trouble school-sponsored event where came only 39 seconds into the women have their turn to squirt screening. everywhere.

“Like right away, some kid Most students will now shot his load into some girl’s have to find alternative ways to hair three rows in front of him,” relieve stress, but some patrons said RUPA’s Landon Conrad. came out of the event smiling “There were a lot of premature and satisfied. ejaculators in the crowd.

“I don’t know man,” said Eventually the whole place was one premature ejaculator, “I’m just covered in jizz, so we had feeling good. This is the best kind to stop the event. Personally, of school shooting possible.”

CINEMA

Editorial Staff Fall 2015

Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot

Michael Vincent Yagnesh Patel

Matthew Fastiggi Fratypus

'96 Toyota Camry. Just leave him ...continued from front $10 in his cup holder and he'll give you eight ounces of quality bars here are for the truckers, so hash! But if you've been bad, I need some seriously dank shit he'll give up coal. And a knife. to make it through this break."

He'll stab you."

While Gum-Shoe Clyde Many Rutgers students remains elusive to the press, we have already been sending were able to speak with Alvin Gum-Shoe Clyde their wish lists Roechster, who has reportedly for the holidays after receiving met with the generous dealer his number from YikYak. There last winter. "It was magical. I have been sparse reports that heard the jingling and clanging he is already active since the coming from the engine of his beginning of Chanukah.

SANTA

News Editors Michael Lazaropoulos Jonathan Holzsager Opinions Editor Lee Matalon Arts Editor Jake Goldstein Personals Editor Sifat Mahbub Page A7 Editor Andrew Blustein Features Editor Aly Grindall

Sports Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche

Matthew Fastiggi Sifat Mahbub James Mullen Adam Romatowski William Field Vapists

The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus.

This issue is dedicated to Donald Trump. I want you to shove the computer you're reading this on so far up your ass that you can see your own bullshit from behind your own eyes.

Wednesday, December 9th 2015

themedium.features@gmail.com

the Medium

FEATURES

“BING IS THE SEARCH ENGINE FOR PORN”

NEW YEAR SAME SHIT

HOE HOE HOE

WHAT YOU SHOULD WANT FOR CHIRSTMAS/CHANUKAH

BY GRIND ALL Christmas/Chanukah is here (and yes I put the Jews in there because I totally fuck with them) and you guys gotta put together some lists for the fam to get you shit that you can’t buy yourself. So here’s a list of some stuff we think you guys could probably use and can’t get yourself.

1. A date C’mon, moms fucking LOVE setting up their kids with their friends’ kids and let’s be real, you are doing a horrible job of getting one on your own.

2. Some self respect We all saw what you did at the Christmas party Jenny, knock that shit off find some self respect over the holidays.

3. An acknowledgment of your birthday This is a direct shout out to those kids with birthdays over the holidays. Hopefully someone will actually remember this year and not do that cop out shit with buying you ONE present for the whole birthday/holiday celebration shin dig.

4. A passing grade You have got to have some hot cousin or something that can sleep with one of your professors to get you to pass a class. I mean come on kids we are at a Hail Mary at this point so you need to do whatever you can to actually pass your classes this semester.

5. A pair of socks You’re at the age guys. You have no fucking money and you need socks. Stop wearing those ones with holes in them and having your pride about not asking for socks for a present. Face it, this is where you’re at, just ask for socks.

6. A sense of self Who the fuck are you? Who the fuck am I? Who the fuck are any of us? Hopefully someone out there can give you some idea 7. A better singing voice Unless this comes true PLEASE stop singing on the buses/showers/ anywhere public because everyone around you wants to die :)

IT’S PRONOUNCED PO-EM

SPARE US EXFOCUS

BY THE BUS KID

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS

BY GRIND ALL Just from the ability to see what articles get clicked on the most I know you guys need some change in your life. Here’s MY list of what I think your New Years resolutions should be. And “blah blah blah you don’t run my life” I literally do not care because I care about my readers and I am going to be a therapist someday so you should trust me because eventually you’ll be coming to me for advice anyway.

1. Finding Jesus Please 2. Actually using bus courtesy Or else I’m going to kill you and everyone else is too 3. Wearing a jacket in -10 degree weather on Saturday nights I’m looking at you freshmen girls. You are not invincible please put on a jacket.

4. Fucking your RA This will FOREVER be the goal of EVERY year 5. Not cutting bathroom lines Looking at you drunk girls. Please be a better person and stop cutting the rest of us drunk bitches that have the courtesy to wait 6. Stop carrying around water jugs Looking at you frat bros. Why the hell do you need a gallon? It’s not like we live in an area that there aren’t water fountains every 5 steps. Are you trying to prove that you are more manly than everyone because you can carry one around AND drink from it?

Please stop it looks so fucking stupid HAPPY HOLIDAYS KIDDOS! THIS IS OUR LAST ISSUE THIS SEMESTER :(:( BUT COME TO OUR MEETINGS NEXT SEMESTER AT THE RSC! WE MIGHT EVEN DO A NUDE CALENDER SHOOT

SOME CULTURE FOR YOU BITCHES

POETRY CORNER

BY CALLIOU

I ask a week before finals, You spare us from these trials.

Most still remain with nightmares From the earlier affairs Where we shivered without internet Our minds mimicking our death

Tooth Fairy There once was a fairy who had, All of the teeth from a young lad, She snuck up at night, And gave him a fright, And he stabbed her 47 times, cause no one fucks with Billy.

We cried and teared from the empty The empty void that made us envy Of the commuters with access To the web, while we distress No porn, no Netflix, nor Wiki Whilst professors offered no pity

Oxen There once was a boy named Allie, Who met an ox farmer named Lee, Lee was a cocksucker, And that motherfucker Ollie set all Lee’s oxen free.

And now, we are without saviour For Don Smith left his labor No one left to rid us of this plight For perhaps there is still light To the being named Exfocus We ask you to spare us

Balls There once was an old sack named Jack Who has claimed he had a real knack For bouncing all around And getting around town Until he landed on a tack.

the Medium

OPINIONS

Wednesday, December 9th 2015

“Thank God for Romeo and Juliet laws.”

YEP, AS YOU’RE READING THIS

Your Parents Are Banging Right Now

BY YOUR FIFTH GRADE TEACHER

Even though I’ve already demystified baby-making for you fifteen years ago— thereby starting the demise of your innocent childhood—I still thrive off of making you uncomfortable, kid. So listen up, because your parents are doing it right now on your childhood bed before you return home after finals. Something about an impending deadline just makes people fucking horny!

Statistically, 1.6% of people in the US are having sex right now. 0% of them are you. Yet, 100% it’s either of your parents. And 200% it’s with each other or the sexually adventurous neighbor they agreed is fair game. And the simple fact that they’re doing it right now isn’t enough. It’s in your bed. And what are they doing?

Allow me to refresh your memory: Nine months before you were born, your parents decided it was time for them to bring you into this world… by getting sloppy drunk following a romantic dinner. NAH! It was really just an unprotected spur-of-the-moment thing in your neighbor’s bathroom during a busy holiday party. Which holiday? Whichever matches your timeframe.

Now, they’re back at it and they’re still not using protection because yo’ momma’s so old, there ain’t no point! But she’s downloaded the Kama Sutra on the Kindle you bought her for Mother’s Day and those Pilates classes have been working for her. It’s totally making up for your daddy’s bad back. Speaking of which, Daddy’s back. Raising you has taken so much effort that the pussy he had on lock was off limits. But that’s over and he’s ready to go, getting a Cialis prescription for just this occasion.

And in case you forgot the important details, we’re talking about putting the penis inside the vagina and ejaculating. The sperm then proceed through the uterus and up the Fallopian tubes. This doesn’t have to happen immediately as it does for you. They’ve lost much sensation down there, so foreplay goes on for hours and while actually banging, they’ve got the time for smacking, tumbling, swooping, and eating dietetically sugar-free desserts from each other’s sweaty, naked bodies, covered with moles, skin tags, and untended body hair.

So this year, when you return home, don’t just wash your own laundry from school. Replace the bedspread at home for good measure. Hell, you should probably burn them.

themedium.opinions@gmail.com

CHILLIN’ BY THE FIRE WHILE WE EATING FONDUE

A SwagWay For Every Serviceman

BY BARACK OBAMA

My fellow Americans, sometimes in the course of running the nation, miscommunications become evident. In an earlier statement, I made it known that there would be “no boots on the ground” in the fight against Daesh, also known as the Islamic State, or ISIS. As Commander in Chief of the United States Armed Forces, it is my best intention to hold these promises steadfastly.

It is for this reason that the Department of Defense has contracted Lockheed-Martin to aid in the production of the XP-1 Unitary Personnel Carrier, a military variant of a vehicle commonly referred to as a SwagWay. Trials at the Pentagon have shown that these devices provide superior mobility while protecting the boots of our Marines from the potential threat of IEDs and other landmines. Thankfully, my colleagues in Congress, the Pentagon, and the United States Marine Corps. enjoy bipartisan support on this issue—the issue of destroying the Islamic State, and the issue of keeping our young men and women in the field safe.

The XP-1 has undergone extensive development. It has a shock absorbing ceramic exterior, and contains motors superior to those of the civilian variant. With state of the art equipment, I am confident we will defeat Daesh—both as a militant group and as an ideology—and keep our promise of having no boots on the ground.

REMEMBER REMEMBER THE 7TH OF DECEMBER

Nobody Remembers Me, Screw You All

BY PEARL HARBOR DAY “December 7, 1941 - Forget” to is 9/11 and a date which will live in other things that just don’t infamy,” were the words compare to my awe. spoken by one of the most Well let me explain influential presidents in to you ignorant children the United States history. how important I am. I was Yet, now people even the defining moment of barely remember that the 20th century. Without I even happened! I’m me occurring, USA would more like a “Oh yeah, it’s have never entered the my parent’s anniversary war at the right time. In tomorrow… fuck it, fact, if they waited any maybe next year I’ll get longer, Hitler and his them something,” day bullshit would have taken than some tragic event over Europe much earlier. that shocked the entire And the Japs? Fuck the world. Now the only goddamn Japs, pieces of thing people say “Never shit bombed the fuck out

THIS ONE WON’T BE A MISTAKE, WE PROMISE. The United States will not stop in it’s quest to spread freedom, democracy and swag.

of the most beautiful beautiful beaches out there. And so because of me, they got what the deserved and no one ever wanted to fuck with USA in a war again. All because of me happening 64 years ago.

Now you all better start remembering that.

You might ask, what the fuck does this old fart of a date want now? Well glad you asked, because I can tell you exactly what I want. First of all, I want T-shirts. T-shirts

that show a beautiful graphic of the Hawaiian islands flipping off the Japs. I don’t care if that’s “politically incorrect” or whatever horseshit you guys come up with, you’d say the same shit if you were fucking BOMBED without warning.

Next, I want a fucking movie that doesn’t suck ass. I thought “Ooooh, a movie

by Michael Bay would be fucking awesome.” He’s known for explosions so I thought that maybe he’d

give a true depiction of the horror and shock that reflects my magnitude.

But, no instead we get some shitty loveromance nonsense and Ben Affleck. Screw that guy. The only saving grace of this movie is Kate Beckinsale, but even that was nullified by Alec Baldwin. Go back to 30 Rock you wannabe hardass!

Dear Reader, thank you for staying with us despite our lack of funding. We promise we’ll be back in print next semester. Happy Holidays, and enjoy your winter break! Love, The Medium

Wednesday, December 9th 2015

themedium.arts@gmail.com

ARTS

“I hope your finals don’t go nearly as well as mine.”

“VELOCIPRACTOR” BY GOLDIELOCKS

“TRAINSEXUAL” BY TRAINLOVER

JOIN THE MEDIUM! FOLLOW US ON INSTA @THEMEDIUMRU MEETINGS MONDAYS AND WEDNESDAYS AT 8PM IN THE COLLEGE AVE STUDENT CENTER ROOM 439. ALSO SEND IN ART FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY. JUST SEND IT! GOOD LUCK ON FINALS DICK OF THE PAGE: FOOTLONG

“LABIA MENORAH” BY SAWYER

“AERIOLAS” BY CAILLOU

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PERSONALS

the Medium

“A black principal counts as 10 black people.”

Stuff

More Stuff

Antisocial Media

Shonda Rhimes kind of sounds like a bitch.

(I guess someone’s still pissed that McDreamy got killed off.)

My hair feels so soft and plump today. Just like my mommy’s breasts.

I can’t tell if these people asking for sex on Yik Yak are joking or are just really thirsty.

There’s a new Julia Roberts movie called ‘Secrets in Their Eyes’ but I can’t wait for people to start talking about MY movie, ‘Secrets in My Blood.’

(Is that you, Charlie Sheen?)

I joined an honor society over the weekend...Why did it feel like I was joining a cult?

(I think you misspelled “fraternity.”)

Fuck that kid who’s trying to be our new head coach.

(Go ahead, fuck him. Maybe he’ll make you the assistant coach.)

Wednesday, December 9h, 2015

(Are you...did you just...

(Kik?) no.)

How is the medium lem- Has anyone actually met onade from Wendy’s a their girlfriend on Tinmedium? Like I think I der? Because it’s supwould be able to shove posed to be a dating app a normal medium drink and I feel like I’m the up my asshole, but no only guy looking for a reamount of lube would lationship. ever get this thing in (Yeah, everyone meets their there.

SO on Tinder. Everyone ex(Ok first off to answer your cept you.) question: America is a gluttonous mess. Second, I I accidentally fell in love think you have bigger fuck- with 4 girls who were ing problems than the size home from college on Thanksgiving Break. of your drink.)

I can’t believe my room- Thanks, Tinder. mate got me sick. What a fucking dick.

(Fuck his girlfriend. Then you’ll get her sick and she’ll get him sick. And you’ll have fucked his girlfriend.)

Thing I hate this week: Grammy Nominations.

Really?

7 nominations for Taylor Swift?

People don’t even understand her lyrics.

REMEMBER STARBUCKS LOVERS??

This is why no one cares about music anymore.

Make sure you come check us out next semester!

If not fuck you, we don't need you.

Unless you're a girl. We need more girls.

themedium.personals@gmail.com

LISTEN UP

It’s our last issue of the semeter!

I wanna say it’s been a pleasure. but it actually hasn’t because none of you motherfuckers sent in Personals.

I had to ask my fellow editors who don’t even read this page because they’re assholes.

Anyway, good luck on your fucking finals.

Awkward (Now time to awkwardly watch their Snapchat stories for the next year and hope Every time I get invited to a party I think, “Oh they don’t notice..) man, I am gonna meet a bunch of people, maybe Whiney get some new Facebook Who took all the handles friends, and just really off the urinals in the Rut- make a great impresgers Student Center? I sion.” Then at the party, want to know who fuck- “Fuck...how far can I sink ing did it. into the corner before I (When in doubt, blame Bar- become the weirdo that chi. Also, another reason people will talk about why I’m glad I’m a girl.) next morning.”

Can you believe they closed off the LSM bus stops? Like they couldn’t do construction during WINTER BREAK in 2 weeks when students won’t be affected?

(First, why would you care about making a good impression at a college party, are you ok?!? Second, literally no one is going to be talking about or even remember you the next morning. I can pretty much guarantee that.)

Bitch Can I just fastforward to when I am a wealthy and successful CEO of a major company?

(No, but you could fastforward to when you’re a moderately successful Starbucks barista who’s about to be promoted to assistant manger.)

I hope you all fail finals so I get a curve that’ll save my ass.

(You know that there will be those overachieving assholes who don’t give a fuck about a curve and are going to ace their finals. You’re fucked man. Fucked.)

For every time Taylor Swift wins a Grammy, (Yes, but then that would be I’m punching your kittoo convenient and considerate and completely out of Grossly Inappropriate ten.

(YES. But can we also line with what Rutgers is You cum guzzling son of punch her kittens too?) all about.) a bitch.

It’s almost finals week My roommate grinds her teeth in her sleep and it but here I am watch- (So I guess you spit out?) ing the Kardashians and My grandmother died of makes me want to strangle her. compartmentalizing my horsecock.

(Punch her in the mouth, stress.

(That’s brutal man. The break all of her teeth, and (Idk, it sounds to me like same thing happened to my you’re doing everything last Tinder date. Still not your problem is solved.) right.)

Hey, whoever is reading over it tbh.)

Seriously? Giving me My roommate only this, you’re a wankshaft. a shitty group evalua- comes to meetings to get (I’m the only one reading tion only hurts me, your Subway. this, so thanks a lot.) grade doesn’t suffer.

(Just as long as he doesn’t Tell me I’m good.

Why do you have to be come for the little boys.)

(You’re a piece of shit.) like this?

(Hate to break it to you but, My high school English I love Kat. you are definitely THAT teacher was in love with (Too bad she doesn’t love person in the group. You me. He was a Lebanese you. Or even like you.) man who prayed to letknow, the one who doesn’t tuce. do jack shit yet still expects (Fuck you Landen.) a good grade? Yeah, stop (So how’s the relationship going? Are you happy towhining asshole.) gether?)

Wednesday December 9th 2015

PAGE A7

the Medium

“Hey if he wants to diddle little kids, he can diddle little kids.”

FUCKING PUNTERS

MOVIE REVIEW! YOU DO NOTHING!

...continued from Sports

“You know what? I deserved it. I deserved to be screamed at like I was the scum of the earth for messing up in a game where people wear funny helmets and tackle the guy with the leather cone,” a potentially brainwashed Teasdall assured reporters after the game. “Coach was just telling me I was a disgrace and that neither me nor my family deserved to exist anymore. It was just tough love, and I’m a better man for it. I love coach. No really, I swear! He’s the best! I would never say otherwise!

“Please don’t hurt me coach.”

MARK “ACTION” JACKSON HOW SAD

...continued from Sports

bitch!”

Jackson then proceeded to sprint and jump headfirst down a large flight of stairs in an incredible display of rage and frustration resulting in complete disregard for potential self-harm.

“AAHHHHHH!!! AHHHAHAHAH! ARGHHHHHHAHA!!!” Jackson yelped.

“It was sort of like that scene in Breaking Bad where Walt realizes Skyler gave his money to Ted and has that dark, terrifying fit of laughter in his crawlspace,” announced the cameraman present for Jackson’s interview.

THE GIFT THAT KEEPS ON GIVING

Fuck this movie. It fucking sucked. I hated it.

Everything about it was totally incorrect. Have they never heard of fact checking? What happened in those Boston churches of 2001 was nothing like what was portrayed in the movie. I would know; I was there.

Back then I was 15 and an alter boy. The church was a sacred place. And then after services, we’d all fuck.

It was awesome. Gay orgies with a bunch of pastors, I fucking loved that shit. Being super gay and having a huge priest fetish, I had the time of my life. But then this fucking movie comes out and everyone just shits on the church. How dare they pass judgment? Only God can do that. And Father Daniels. Mmmmmmm Father Daniels. Anyway this movie is one huge pile of evolution-loving retarded-monkeyshit. Don’t see it. Go to Church. Love God. Come to the back room after the service. Suck my dick.

It’s that time of year, and all of you students are dreading it. None of you have any money; how are you supposed to buy gifts for family and friends? Fear not, for there is herpes! It is mostly free and easy to give to your loved ones. First find some slut lonely during the holidays and fuck that person raw (alternatively you could find a cheap hooker, but going raw-dog would cost extra). The next part is Rating: 0/5 bottles of holy water that we also used as easy: share the love! Go fuck all of your friends—no condom—and spread your lube gift. It will stay with them for life! You can share it with family, too. We all know you can fuck your second cousins and step-relatives no problem, but you can also 10 IN-FAMOUS “LAST WORDS” share your gift with those closer. Give grandma a nice, big, wet kiss on the cheek 1: “Next time you see us we will be in print!” when you see her. Spit in your brother’s face while to two are acting like kids

~The Medium again and horsing around. Sneakily rub the serving spoon all over your dirty, 2: “Are you sure this meth is safe, it just looiks like disgusting, herpes-laden vagina when your aunt asks you to pass the salad. Your blue food dye?” friends and family will cherish this gift forever and always. You’ll never have to

~Katie Couric buy another present again, because herpes never goes away. Ever.

3: “That bully was right when i was a wee lad, I’ll never amount to anything.”

THIS IS THE LAST ISSUE OF THE SEMESTER BITCHES,

~William Shakespeare 4: “Imma be, imma be, remember? I was there!”

AND Y’ALL BEST BELIEVE WE’LL BE BACK BETTER THAN EVER

~That Other Member of Black Eyed Peas NEXT SEMESTER 5: “I only actually has sex with 7 guys, I was young!”

~ Kurt Cobain READ OUR SHIT. GET INVOLVED AND FUCKING JOIN US. 6: “I do bukkake.”

~Audrey Hepburn DON’T BE AN ASSHOLE. 7: “Get it! I Drink a lot and I have wine in my name!”

~Amy Winehouse ANYWAY HAVE A GOOD BREAK! HAPPY HANUKKAH! HAPPY NEW 8: “Wanna see my little peepee?”

YEAR!

~Tupac 9: “Yeah, I can put my fist in my mouth.”

ALSO I MAY NOT DO THIS PAGE NEXT SEMESTER, BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

~Anna Nicole Smith 10: “So I can pay you to suck my dick?”

~Walter Cronkite

december 9th, 2015 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com COACHES PREPARE THEIR PLAYERS FOR THE REAL WORLD BY TREATING THEM LIKE SHIT

DABO SWINNEY'S PASSION DEEMED 'EXEMPLARY' AND 'ADMIRABLE'

BY SCHREG GIANO STILL JOBLESS

CLEMSON, SC— On Saturday night, the Clemson Tigers were taking on the North Carolina Tar Heels in the ACC Championship when their punter Andy Teasdall jogged onto the field for a routine punt on 4th down.

Instead of sticking with the punt as called, Teasdall made a mistake, thinking he could run for an easy first down when in fact he had no chance of picking it up, and it earned him a stern talking to from Dabo Swinney, who was seen on live TV screaming at his player without letting up for a few minutes on multiple occasions.

Clemson’s athletic director could only describe Swinney’s actions as “exemplary,” saying Swinney represents everything his institution looks for in a head coach.

“Whatever you want, Dabo

Around the country, Dabo Swinney earned high marks from his peers and sports analysts alike, calling his passion “unmatched.”

“You have to admire his love for the game,” an ESPN anchor claimed during a postgame coverage show. “Some coaches who don’t care as much might let that play go so the kid making the mistake can feel a little better about himself. But not Dabo. He commands respect from his players by kicking them down when they’re at or "KEEPING THINGS IN PERSPECTIVE" near rock-bottom. That’s what

Dabo Swinney clearly understands that things like committing errors great coaches do.” in football games are hugely consequential and deserve harsh punishment Andy Teasdall himself like the one he dished out to his visibly distraught punter dismissed the actions as simply has got it,” the director told tells his own student athlete “coach being coach,” promising reporters at his press conference. he’s a worthless piece of shit for to reporters that “that’s my guy” “You want an egocentric asshole making a mistake in a college and that he is actually glad to at the helm? Dabo has you football game? Dabo’s your guy. have been yelled at. covered. You want a guy who He does it all for this team.”

Continued on Page A7

NINE THINGS More Clutch than The Giants

Mark Jackson 'Only Low-key Upset' About The Warriors

BY REBELLIOUS JOHN CLAYTON RECENTLY RETIRED

1. Andy Dalton in any primetime game 2.The Bills in four straight Super Bowls 3. Rutgers Busses 4. The warning your girlfriend's dad gave you last week 5. Rutgers Football against a Big Ten opponent 6. Anyone playing Michigan State in the fourth quarter 7. A final exam that lasts the full three hours 8.The total anhiliation of all my sense of self-worth coinciding with a reemergence of my tendency to engage in self-sabotage 9. Chris Laviano's behavior on Instagram

OAKLAND— Former Warriors head coach Mark Jackson was always going to be in a tough spot after getting fired two seasons ago. Jackson knew full well what his roster was capable of and it more likely than not augmented the pain of watching his former team close out the season as NBA champions last season.

As tough as the championship was to handle, the Warriors appear to be unstoppable right now and are off to the greatest start in NBA history. A recent interview with the former head coach revealed how he was handling the frustrations of his situation.

“You know what? You’d assume I’d be incredibly upset at this situation, but I’m honestly not,” Jackson claimed.

“I’d be a liar if I claimed that it wasn’t kind of tough to watch last year, sure. But I’m just so

chris ash SINCE monday

proud of those guys and Steve Kerr. They really deserved it and I’m totally at peace with it, even though it looks like Steve has a roster loaded with the talent to win multiple championships for the foreseeable future.”

After lying through his teeth for thirty more minutes, the cameras turned off. Mark Jackson threw his chair out a glass window and cursed Steve Kerr for “stealing my fucking roster and harvesting the fruits of my labor. You lucky son-of-aContinued on Page A7

"SAD BOI"

Mark Jackson is pretty bad at lying. It's hard not to sympathize with him after The Warrior's end to 2015