12/03/08

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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themedium.net

Volume XXXIX Issue XII

December 3rd, 2008

50¢

COME ON OUT TO THE MEDIUM’S NIGHT OF EXACTLY 1,003 LAUGHS! FEATURING Quaint Little Coffee Shop Stand-Up By College Avenue Players Comedians A 4 Effort Improv

THIS THURSDAY AT 8PM IN DEMAREST HALL’S MAIN LOUNGE

FREE DRINKS AND SNACKS Did we mention it’s FREE? The Thinking Man’s Poor Man Shitrag ESTABLISHED 1970

THE MEDIUM

CONDENSED NEWS

Wednesday, December 3rd, 2008

“It’s a Honda Odyssey! It’s a Hondyssey!”

Pres. Bush to Pardon Convicted Sex Offender

BY FELLATIUS McDOOGAL STAFF WRITER

Washington, DC– Every Thanksgiving, the United States President sticks to tradition by selecting a turkey and pardoning it outside the White House. However, President George W. Bush is unaware that he is about to pardon convicted pedophile Jeffrey Gobbles.

Gobbles has had a history of violence and crime in the past. Living on a farm for 2 years, he was engaged in all kinds of activity. He was required to register as a sex offender when was arrested for sexually fondling 13-year-old Jimmy Joe Johnson. “All I remember was running from

him and then tripping and him just jumping all around me and gobbling violently.

I...(whimper)...don’t want to talk about it anymore.

This interview is over.”

On July 22, Gobbles attacked another boy, Lyle Funt. Funt escaped and alerted a police car. He led police back to Gobbles barn. The police thought Funt was the guilty one, as they inferred that he was trying to have sexual relations with the turkey.

But upon further inspection of the barn, they uncovered multiple photographs of murdered victims and human remains.

A deeper search revealed more evidence,

Crime Report: Ninja Gang Robs Local Liquor Store

BY DR. PHILLIP TURDSMITH CONTRIBUTING WRITER

New Brunswick, NJ- It was reported last Tuesday night at about 8:30pm, that a mob of 4 highly skilled ninjas robbed Peter’s Liquor Store located on Easton Avenue in New Brunswick.

The employees were threatened with recently sharpened katanas that if any and all money was not dispensed into a paper bag, the ninjas would proceed to chop off “all of your heads, starting with the small ones first.”

The workers silently complied, seeing no need to spill their own blood and cause a major “party foul”.

It is alleged that the workers were slightly intoxicated at the time of the incident, but police did not cite for intox-

ication, their spokesperson saying “If I worked at a liquor store, odds are I would be on the sauce nine times out of ten.”

One witness waiting for their 21-year-old friend to come out of Peter’s with a handle of Jack and exactly $7.32 in change saw the ninjas, carrying “about as much liquor as they could,” jump into a souped-up Acura Integra blasting techno and speed off.

The Integra was last seen heading towards Busch Campus. When candidly interviewed, a group of white girls said late Friday night that the jungle juice at the Asian frat had “more shit in it than usual”.

Suspects are still at large and an anonymous triad member, remarked “Damn, why didn’t we think of that?”

CONTENTS

Page 1 Page 2 Page 3 Page 4 Page 5 Page 6 Page 7 Page 8

News Condensed News Features Opinions Arts Personals That Fat Chick Whats Shakin’

Page 9 Page 10 Page 11 Page 12 Page 13 Page 14 Page 15 Page 16

Chumba Wumba Explorer Firefox Safarifoxplorer God Centerfold Tickle Me EMO SHOW TIME

Cover by: The Medium’s Night of Laughs

including photographs of various side dishes and human heads filled with stuffing.

Gobbles’ landowner Farmer Brown added his

statement, “Its always the quiet turkeys that you have look out for. He was always such a nice bird too.”

On November 27, 2008, Gobbles is scheduled

to walk free. That same day Dateline NBC is showing a new episode of To Catch A Predator. The episode consists of him just pecking at Chris Hansen’s feet while

WebReg Accidentally Registers Freshman in 400 Level Course

BY JOHNNY CHALLENGER STAFF WRITER

New Brunswick, NJ- The University’s class registration service also known as “WebReg”, suffered a catastrophic memory leak last Friday while compiling the course selections made by all freshman students.

University officials were shocked to see that the entire freshman class was enrolled in Proteomics and Functional Genomics, a 400-level Molecular Biology and Biochemistry course. “There’s nothing

we can do at this point” said Bill Geralds, President of Underclassmen Registration Services.

“The best I can tell students is to just grit their teeth and do the homework the good old-fashioned way.”

According to university policy, freshmen who wish to take on 400level courses must do so under some conditions. One condition is that Freshmen in a 400 course can not under any circumstance drop the course while another states that a freshman must

maintain a “B” average at all times. Both of these conditions are ended with the phrase, “So help me God, if you don’t follow this, I will bitch-fuckity-slap the hell out of you.”

The class meets Tuesdays and Fridays at 1:40pm in the Center for Advanced Biotechnology and Medicine (CABM) Building room 241. All freshmen are encouraged to take 694:407 & 447:380 or 447:384 as they are all necessary for understanding the basic concepts discussed in class

WEATHER OR NOT

Today Tonight

A Cold Wind Blows on...FINALS! Get it? Orientation jokes!

Is it too late for Take-Out? FUCK it’s 12:01! Sigh, Easy-Mac again

Thursday Tap that shit, bro!

Dude, It’s Natty!

Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor News Editor Features Editor Opinions Editor Arts Editor Personals Editors Whats Shakin’ Editors

Friday Shotty on the good controller bro! MAD-den!

Paul Winters Colin Fong John Bender Tim Swanson Jake Lewandowski Ah hell, it’s Colin Dave Imbriaco Kaitie Davis Abe Stanway

Staff Writers Business Manager Staff Photograper Online Editor Advertising Manager Staff Artist Senior Editor Faculty Advisor

Reven MacQueen Keith Lawrence Gary Klimowicz Helen Ortiz Paul Winters Gary Klimowicz It’s Colin too!

Ryan Barton Barbara Reed

THE MEDIUM is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and are not necessarily shared by THE MEDIUM. Submission and business deadline is never o’clock. The office of THE MEDIUM is CAC Student Center Room 439. All correspondence may be addressed to THE MEDIUM. This issue is dedicated to the starving children in Africa but seriously, the only way that you will feel better about yourself and your iPhone is to come out to The Medium’s Night of Exactly 1,003 Laughs! DO IT!

FEATURES

Wednesday, December 65 * 0 + 3, 2008

“Swiper no swiping! As effective as... Sniper stop sniping!

THE MEDIUM

The Pioneer of Flavour Presents: “How To Choose Your Next Relationship Wisely”

So, I have this friend, Polly McCracka. Now, I use this term broad- only a box of Lucky Charms for comfort. Yeah, it gets lonely at the top. ly, since I actually hate her. Anyway, the other day, Polly comes to me in tears and she’s all, “Bitch! I just found out my bf totes cheated on me!

Just kidding!! Fooled you.

What should I do?”

So what should Polly do? Well, if this were an awesome advice Well, being the awesome person that I am, I decided to help. So I column, I would tell her, be asexual, ho! Be like me. Be awesome. But devised a plan for a weekly advice column, where I will tell all you min- this isn’t an awesome advice column, so you know what? Shut the fuck ions out there what to do when certain situations arise. And they’re totally up and listen to me! Because I’m right. You’re wrong. That’s the way it free! But careful, if you read them too often, I might start charging. So goes. proceed with caution.

Anyway.

And you know what? Sometimes I have to use this advice too.

Believe it or not, the Pioneer of Flavour gets sad sometimes. Sometimes Today, we will examine the all-important issue of: “How to choose your she gets dumped, or bitchslapped, or abandoned on a deserted island with next relationship wisely.”

Number 1 Make sure he has a hot bff in case things go wrong.

Number 2 No pornstache – they’ve been known to cause bad skin, liver damage, and undue stress in bed.

Number 3 Before you make your move, find out his music taste – an appreciation for Coldplay sometimes leads to in the closet encounters; Animal Collective fans have been known to have pungent odors; Daft Punksters aren’t all that; Justin Timberlake followers sometimes have trouble growing beards, while Miley Cirus worshippers could literally get you into jail for statutory rape. It’s also important to note that Beatlemaniacs might leave you out in the cold, as a recent study has found that these lucky bastards live completely fullfilled lives and don’t care about you.

Number 4 Observe nostrils carefully – their presence or lack thereof can be quite telling.

Don’t go crazy overanalyzing things, we’ll do it for you. Here’s an analysis of the amount of time it takes for him to answer your calls and/or emails, and what they all mean. � more than a week: He prays nightly for your slow, painful, and humiliating death. � 5-7 days: he does not actively wish you dead, but doesn’t really care, either way. � 3-5 days: He either wants you as a friend; might be trying to get you back by playing hard to get; might want you desperately but not want to seem desperate; or he might just not have anything better to do. � 1-2 days: He’s not over you, and might very soon be under you if you play your cards rights.

Number 5 Do not, I repeat, do NOT date anyone who does not have facebook. This is highly suspicious and should be reported immediately to the FBI.

� 14 minutes or less – oopsy daisy! You just surprised him fucking your best friend. Say hello to nightly ice cream binges from now on.

IN � � � �

OUT � Britney Spears. Don’t believe this chick. I hear womanizers are actually all the rage right now. � Organic toothpaste. Ew. What the fuck? � Bros before hos. Stop being a fucktard. � Kanye West. ’Nuff said.

International booty call!

High waisted pants. Don’t listen to him. He’s wrong.

Bitches get stitches. Hellz yeah.

All chick rap gang bands. Look out for Supaflava’s first single, hitting the internet as soon as they get around to recording it!

A Thanksgiving Thing Written By A Real American Hero Contributing Writer

It’s that time of year again, when we celebrate the subjugation of two continents by engorging ourselves on deceased Turks...eys and chasing it with some C 2 H 5 OH. We do this for one reason, FOOTBALL and tradition, two reasons, not to mention black Friday sales three, three reasons.

The alcohol helps us forget the dreadful predicament we have inherited from our forefathers (old dead guys).

After almost dying, the purists were saved by natives, who they viewed as unworthy of basically everything except death. The natives taught them how to survive in this strange new world. In order to thank their new saviors (Jesuses/ Jesusi?) they forced the natives west until they were caught between a train and a covered wagon, with settlers on the left, settlers on the right and you know who on the only free land around.

We now observe the rough start these two people faced by packing a megaphone with gourds and other decorations in order to help us endure one day with our family. Worse comes to worse, you can use the cornucopia as a club.

Once upon a time a group of uptight, pale, crazies decided that the only way to protect themselves from other religions was to cross an ocean Editor’s Note: It would appear that the writer of This here turkey tasted pretty good to distance them from the un-pure. The actions of this article was just as intoxicated on booze and this group of Englishmen would eventually lead to widespread alcohol- turkey when he wrote it as the rest of us were. Anyways, don’t forget to ism among the native American people, who they called Indians and, come to our event this Thursday, as you may have heard in the front page. even later on, a multi-million-dollar casino and tchotchke industry.

Be there or be square. Be a circle, or a triangle, or whatever shape...

THE MEDIUM

OPINIONS “Going out of business since 1957!”

B r o w e r Blacks: Please Stop Ta k e o u t : With The Racism

By Sir Buckingtonbrimhousenshire it has cum to make it- selves. They’re probably Care more, As self apparently, blacks hate just mad because nobody gays. I say, what the fuck, wants to suck their dirty, Please underprivileged my homiez? You finally smelly,

By Zander Jones To the young guys who work at the Brower Knight Room making hoagies: why do you feel it is appropriate to give me nasty looks and let out an exasperated sigh when I ask for more fucking peppers on my sandwich?? I don’t have a shit-fit when you look into my bag to make sure I haven’t taken more than my share of those shitty pretzel bags or chips or cookies that comes with my “meal”, so don’t look like I’ve asked you to give up one of your kidneys when all I’m asking for is some more olives or lettuce or whatever other ingredient you’ve skimped out on.

Also, I don’t just eat the center half of the sandwich, so spread that shit out!

I not asking for a perfect sandwich, but your distribution is inadequate to say the least. If I wanted a pile of olives and peppers in the center third of my sandwich, I would do it myself. If your job was to paint a car would you only spray one third of each body panel? Of course not, so try to make a decent sandwich without all the pissing and moaning.

It’s pathetic that your incompetence in making a fucking hoagie drives me to write this because I’m not even a picky eater.

To the ladies who work the Knight Room: snaps to you, your sandwiches are great, it’s just those assholes who screw everything up. Also, that wax paper you use to wrap up the sandwiches occasionally makes the bread smell/taste like crayons.

Editor’s Note: That’s why they invented Busch take out, my friend. Great in pretty much every way, with the exception of the fact that it was placed in the most inaccessible point from the bus stop, making late night grab-n-go’s an epic adventure.

Wednesday, December 3rd, 2008

get the right to marry and vote and now you want to take it away from gays.

As is known, in this historic black-election, lots of blacks got out of their crack houses to vote for Obama.

Due to these overwhelming numbers of self-centered blacks, gays have lost the vote to marry each other, in the butt. In this historic erection, blacks in California voted 6 to 9 that gays should not be able to marry each other. This is unacceptable!

As some German psychologist has clearly shown, half of these blackvoters are closeted them-

black-dicks. Or maybe they’re acting out of posttraumadick stress from when their drunken fathers beat them with their 14 inch mule-dicks.

Undeniably, as it can be shown, this proves that Obama himself is 30 percent likely to be himself a gay-hater. It would be sixty percent, but he is only half-black and his benevolent white side would surely be tolerant of gay marriage.

God bless you poor, poor gays and blacks, go back to Africa if you want to be so intolerant of other people.

And thus, the first chapter was in the story of the War of 2021 between the Sodomites and the Afticans was written.

A Letter to The Daily Targum Editor Dear Editor, Last week, I read an article in The Daily Targum about the dangers of Saliva, and I was so upset that I didn’t even think they deserved my gracing of them with hate mail. I do trust that The Medium will be a reputable enough outlet for my rage. That said, what on earth could the Targum be talking about when discussing the dangers of Saliva? Really? Saliva?

What’s next, the dangers of semen? Just read this: The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services has

begun to look into it as a potential hazardous issue. I have been a Saliva user all my life, and I feel just fucking dandy. Is sharing Saliva the same as sharing needles? Will I get HIV? Wait, what? No? If any sort of bill is passed to outlaw Saliva, yes, it will be named Schedule I Drugs right alongside heroin and crack. Honestly, at this point, I just feel like expelling Saliva right on the faces of anyone who thinks it’s dangerous.

Yours, Abbah Sababa

R e m i n d e r s opinions@themedium.net is our e-mail Address.

Use it for thoughts on RU or whatever. Our next meeting- Wednesday 9PM, Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center. Oh, and see Page 1.

A Sexy Survey

By Zogby Rasmussen I have a survey question for all the straight guys out there: 1. Who do you prefer, when it comes to great sex? A girl who’s a virgin, or a very experienced girl?

Some guys like the tight fit, when it comes to a virgin. Others like the well-mastered techniques of the experienced girl. Then again, there could be drawbacks to both types of girls... The virgin girl could get all emotionally-involved and clingy, which could end badly if the guy doesn’t want that. With the experienced girl, the guy may be thinking the whole time, “Damn, she’s so good. But I hope she doesn’t think I’m bad in bed if I can’t make her come or please her right...”

SO, guys: Let’s hear your opinion! And be free to share your experiences!

Now I have a survey question for all the straight girls: 2. Circumcised or uncircumcised?

What’s cuter? What’s nastier?

Please, do share with us your experiences!

Wait.... I just thought of one more question.....

For the guys again: 3. When it comes to your girl’s pubic area, how do you feel about Brazilian waxes?

Is it too pedophilic? Or is it nice to not have any hair get in the way?

These questions have been burning me for months. I haven’t been able to sleep at night, and will not be able to until these questions are answered.

What’s Big Deal About Wheel?

BY Ug What is up with ne w invention called wheel?

Too lazy ass to use the feet Super Caveman blessed us all with. How does one balance on it anyway? And you may say, can make it to point B from Point A faster, but where the fuck where you’d want go there. No Mammoths at Point B. Believe me, me looked there.

Nothing there.

Worse, other cavemen say invention of wheel brings great good to land.

Me don’t believe it. Can’t kill buffalo easy with it all.

Irregularly shaped rock still much easier. Can’t light on fire at all. Hard to roll or move on it. And when starts can’t just get off. Me tried, and really hurt.

Even worse, it’s minor positives could be used for evil. If Neanderthals steal wheel, could conquer ground and rule over everything. Or could lead to proliferation, and lead to bigger and bigger wheels, until civilization destroyed by wheel falling down on top of us.

Call me traditionalist, but me like old ways. We haven’t been killed by old ways. New ideas, may not kill, but how do we know.

Old ways should and will last for many, many,many, many years.

???

THE MEDIUM

ARTS

Wednesday, December 3rd, 2008

“PITCHER BIBITERU HEY HEY HEY”

PIKTURKS FROM AROUND CAMPUS

Game corner with Uncle McFinkie Hello there y’all.

This is the game corner with uncle McFinkie. Well, the economy is in the shitter, there are no jobs anywhere.

Getting a PS3, Xbox 360, or Wii, a couple games, a good TV, and some extra

controllers can run up a bill of sometimes up to $1000.

So what’s a broke ass college gamer supposed to do?

Well, my friend, the answer is PS2. Yep, you heard it.

PS fucking 2.

Just to start off,

you’ll need 200 buckaroos, chump change compared to the hefty price- tag of a next gen console. (For nongamers: next generation console i.e. PS3, Xbox 360, Wii) Head over to a nearby GameStop store and check

By Nigs McFinkleton

out some of the deals. A brand new slim console with one controller costs $130, or you can get it used for $90 (but buy a warranty) Add on a memory card and another controller and you’re looking at about $50

to $60 left in your pocket.

So you can use that to buy games. There are literally thousands to choose from, but I’ll start with some classics and must-haves and then be back next week.

Game: God of War (1 or 2, doesn’t matter, both are fucking incredible)

Game: Mercenaries: Playground of Destruction

Price:$15-20

Price: Cheap, it’s usually $10 whenever I see it

Summary: Alright, if you haven’t heard of this game, chances are you don’t play video games. (which means you probably get laid on a regular basis) The main idea of the game is that you are a warrior in ancient Greece, on a task from the Gods to save the city of Athens. Along the way you slay the hydra, fight medusa and bang ancient Greek prostitutes. You also maim, kill, destroy, dismember, and annihilate

your enemies. The second game focuses on you changing you fate and preventing you own demise (and don’t forget the banging of Greek prostitutes) again you maim, kill, destroy, dismember, and annihilate everything in you path. Both games have awesome sound, voice acting, and the best graphics of any game on PS2.

And if you couldn’t tell by my spicy review, the game is rated Mature.

Summary: This game was made a few years ago when North Korea was still in the news. You play as a mercenary who is deployed to North Korea to take out the head honcho who’s looking to destroy the world. The gameplay is in a sandbox format, allowing you to freely roam North Korea and destroy a lot of stuff. There are the Allies (US), The russian mob, South Korea, China for you to

choose to ally yourself with. A really fun part of the game is trying to seek and destroy 52 members of the North Korean Army. Using a wide array of tools at your disposal, laser guided missiles, anyone? Destroying a North Korean military base with an artillery bombardment: Priceless. Oh, btw, stay away from the sequel, trust me, this one is better.

THE MEDIUM (Great chariots of fuckin fire! I just spent forty minutes altering a document I e-mailed to myself and didn’t save it! And then “oh joy! I’m done” and X that lovely little sociology sucker into Never Ever Again Land... appropriately named because that is when I am going to see it next.

Please excuse my venom— even though I really don’t give two flying fucks about you Jerseyians anyway) to the boy in my class with the two gross hickies on both sides of his neck, thats fucking gross, what are you in grammar school? be a man and smack that hoe next time she tries to do that shit.

The fact that you actually have hickies just shows off that the fact that you’re a fucking bitch, and oh shit, you did with a girl(slut) from katzenbach, damn get that shit checked out.

(I have to redo my paper. Go play in traffic) to that boy from browntown next door, you are quite the stallion. and you’ve got insane-in-the-membrane chair skillz (I have to redo my paper. Go put your head in a beehive.

And not the way that Amy Winehouse does it) There once was a man from Beirut with warts all over his cheroot. He poured acid on these, and now when he pees, he fingers his cheroot like a flute (I have to redo my paper. Do not pass go, do not collect $200, go directly to hell) to the fatass who cut me off on route 1 in a last minute decision to go to mcdonald’s. REALLY? like you didn’t plan that trip the whole car ride over. don’t think i didn’t see that rutgers magnet on your trunk that was LITERALLY TWO INCHES FROM MY BUMPER. i hope you enjoyed that fucking big mac, it almost cost me my life (I have to redo my paper. Go try waiting for the Knight Mover when you need it the most) fushia -colored hot dogs?

Well dad gummit we must be in the dirty south!!

PERSONALS To the 400 pound Walrus that got on the F at Liberty Street, took up two seats, then got off at Paterson and walked straight into the Burger King.

You are what is wrong with America (and the fact that I have to redo my paper. Oh, by the way, go bathe in raw sewage) to my cock sucking roommate who always leaves the window open when its 20 fucking degrees outside: go fuck yourself you irish ass prick.

WE PAY FOR HEAT! (I have to redo my paper.

Coma caca de perro ahora) To that homeless shine in downtown New Brunswick.

Why do you keep asking me for change? Are you some sort of whore, sucking my dick and expecting some sort of monetary orgasm? Is not the now-President niggerama not enough change for you?

(I have to redo my paper. Go eat spoiled milk. and I do mean eat it, because you like, can’t “drink” chunky milk) To downstairs naybor who enjoys blowing up the girls’ spots whenever possible: Just because we won’t hook up with you doesn’t mean you should consistently let it be known we get around, enjoy herbal wonders, puff on cancer sticks, and don’t frequent the gym daily. and to the medium: I swear we’re not as sloppy and degrading as that makes us sound (I have to redo my paper. Go wave dollar bills and credit cards in downtown New Brunswick at 2 am and say you are sent from the Promised land of (Shea) butter/margarine) To my oh-so-bearded roommate, SHE HAS HER OWN ROOM. DO. SHIT. THERE. And stop chaining the door like we’re in North Philly jackass.”

(I have to redo my paper. Go immerse yourself in a vat of scalding baked beans) My name is Frank, the man who squirt flamable mustard down his combustible pants. I regret this decision. The party in my pants has come to an abrupt halt.

Time

for

“I need teepee for my bunghole!” turn your fan on when you Dear Girl in Busch make steak ‘ums or I will Dining Hall, start another fire in the quad. For the past two Wednesdays that’s a promise broseph at approximately 3:30pm, (I have to redo my pawe’ve seen you take an per. Go roll in gas, pass exorbitant (easily 20+) gas, and light a match... amount of cookies back to to your ass, young lass, your table and put some in to get the fun started fast. a bag... but most of them WHO’S THE GENIUS in your mouth. Yes, we are POET! That’s right Ginslaughing at you. Maybe berg, you have got nothin if you stopped eating on me! And since I am a more cookies than a cured girl you probably would diabetic’s first trip to a not be interested in getting sweet shop does, we anything on me anyway!!) wouldn’t ridicule you. You’re not beto my cock sucking ing sneaky and you roommate who always don’t need all leaves the window open of those cookies when its 20 fucking (I have to redo my padegrees outside: go fuck per. Go smother yourself yourself you irish ass prick. in chocolate and presWE PAY FOR HEAT! ent yourself to Rosie (I have to redo my paper.

O’Donnel as a gift) Go to a PETA meeting in a fur coat and leather To all the seniors holding boots and te;l them that classes for the underclasssurvival of the fittest men ... FUCK YOU ... means that form-fitting you sons of bitches rucoats are all the rage!) ined my whole schedule Elmo just wants to say that and are causing me to be Elmo wants to kill you... behind because I can’t register for classes I need in order to Everyone knows that graduate on time. Because that Mr. Bubble they want to take easy provides a fun and professor you told them easy A’s I now have sensual enhance- are to suffer. O and to the ment to your daily Econ dept. fuck your no permisbathing routine special sion number rule!

(I have to redo my paper. Go to a brothel and come out with your virginity intact) to that kid in the lime green hoodie, ima gonna steal it!!!

(I have to redo my paper.

Go to a Jonas Bros concert and come out with out having your virginity put back together)

But did you also know that Mr. Bubble is a MISOGYNIST responsible for 82% of all vaginal irritations in girls ages 5-12?

I I

smell smell

hotwings! chicken!

I smell sweet hot sex in the morning!

A dago, a coolie, and a shine are in a bar. The coolie sez, what the fuck is a dago? The dago sez, what the fuck is a shine? The shine sez, meesa workin in da fields alllll day. Then Jesus comes into the bar on a rainbow and shoots the dago in the face with a shotgun. And then he orders a raspberry martini (I have to redo my paper.

Go superimpose yourself within the Lion King and get trampled by antelope.

And when the dust clears it will not read ‘sex’ but ‘sucks’...to be YOOOOU!)

Telletubbies,

2008

To boy slash woman in intro to social research who crosses his/her legs and sounds all too much like a kitten slowly dying when you speak, which you do far too often: COME THE FUCK ON. The sight and sound of you makes that class all the more unbearable and confusing. What are you? I NEED TO KNOW. You have the haircut and stature of a somewhat average male, but your female aeropostale sweatpants, voicebox, and mannerisms persuade me to think otherwise. It has been distracting me immensely because I spend 80 minutes trying to decipher your true gender. Perhaps you’re also part reindeer. I don’t fucking know but it’s been torturing me every Mon and Wed for MONTHS. Pussy (I have to redo my paper. Go jump into a pit of hungry hungry hippos) To the fkinjerk from Perry 3rd floor who wrote to me last week, Dear jerk, I appritiate the fact that you have been paying attention to my frequent visits to Perry.

Now, I know its difficult but GET A FKIN LIFE! If you think I’m too loud and abnoxious either get a surgery so you can have theballs to tell me to my own face or you can simply move out and camp outside the dining hall. I’m sorry... but its not my fault that I have friends in Perry and a life, while your sorryunwantedass has to stay there 24/7 and listen to me..

PIGGIES- sorry I haven’t hung out with you in a while, but you know how it i s Think your submission will make me hit my knees and cry with awe and disbelief and realize the reason I was placed on the Earth was to read your submission? I don’t. Prove me wrong at personals@themedium. n e t

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

PERSONALS “I just want my fuckin NACHOS!”

(Hey everyone guess what?? I’m not Dave...

Dave’s stuffed in a closet and tightly bonded... did I say that, I meant he’s visiting his sickly grandma and feeding the homeless. So I am doing over time!! Oh Yeah, welcome to the land of estrogen an penis envy!!

Do you know where you are? You’re in the girl personals editor jungle baby!!)

Dear

boyfriend

Thanks for all the quickies you gave me on the 5th floor of Tillett.

Love

girlfriend

To the fucking girl who always answers questions in my Orgo recitation, I hate your fucking guts you stupid cunt. Stop pretending that you don’t know shit when you go up to the board. We all know you’re a genius because you gave Roth a blowjob. You look like you’re in love with fucking turtles. Oh and by the way, I heard red-bandana boy got you pregnant. Have fun with that you piece of shit.

-The entire Orgo class Dear Neilson dining hallfuck you and your weird ass General’s chicken on Chinese take-out night that does not at all taste like General’s chicken.

Also, no dark meat. The only redeeming quality was that one of my chicken pieces looked just like a fortune cookie. Pretty cool, I gotta admit To all the bozos in my Latin class: I want you to clean your vagina To those douchebags who wear bluetooth headsets, I only have one thing to say to you: I am so sorry... these things are totally AWESOME! Love, New D o u c h e b a g . ( Well I am soooo sorry-no I’m not-- but you are totally malibu barbie NOT awesome! ) Thank you to the kid in classs who fel off his chair in Comm 101...You just made my entire semester completely worth it!!! cunts glistening in the wind!

to my entire dorm: you are horrible people. to the girls on the third floor: stop leaving your bloody granny panties in the shower. i don’t know how you manage to leave shit and blood in an automatic-flushing toilet, but you do it. congratulations. to the guys: stop blasting your shitty music 24/7 and at volumes that can be heard from outside. and stop playing that one jack johnson song on your guitar. YOURE NOT EVEN GOOD. and to the guys on the fourth floor right above me: WHY DO YOU HAVE TO DRUM ON THE GROUND? like what is that.. its so fucking annoying and i am too lazy to come see you. so COME SEE ME BITCHES. COME SEE ME. To this one guy who lives next door to me. When you use the toilet to take a shit, please take the paper out of the toilet seat. It’s not like the toilet seat is going to give you fucking VD or something but seriously, no one wants to pick up your left over paper shit in the toilet.

Oh BTW when you took that huge shit last wednesday, you almost killed everyone living on the floor dirty sanchez is my mexican

Where in the world is Carmen Santiago? We miss you. Just kidding. Psych!

Nah, really. Just kidding though. Now which is the real answer? Come to the Medium on Wednesday to find out!

(Seriously man, RUTV is for chumpity chump chumps) WTF, I think I have lockjaw and this time it’s not from sucking too many black cocks Do people in England get carpal chunnel syndrome?

To my asshole of a roommate. You have the fucking TV on and you’re listening to music while your on the computer and not watching tv. What the frying fuck. You see me doing my fucking paper, oh wait you don’t because you’re an ignorant asshole who thinks the room is all yours.

Hello Ass, I live in the fucking room. I’m already getting pissed at you and you’re only making it worse dammit (Who’s the lazier fuck?

Your roomie who watches tons o tube o vision or YOU who can’t walk out the door to the library?)

There is no entry for “gullible” on Wikipedia When will Gloria Estephan just go away??

Dear Medium, now that we’re doing well, can you please keep making fun of us? We miss it. Luv <3Mike Teel<3 and the Gang (see that President McCormick? The football team luvs the Medium. I believe by nature of association that means we at the Medium deserve some of those “private sources” funds. The football team’s sucess depends on it!!! BA BA BUUUM!) To the cutie that visits my job every morning, your green eyes are mesmerizing, I wished I could stare at them for the rest of my life. PLEASE MARRY ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(What the fuck?? Take your euphoric lovesick ramblings to the Oprah Winfrey show and proclaim your love as you jump on a couch. The fact that you are so “happy” and I am a bitter individual only pisses me off even further you piece of genuine grade A cunt brownie from the black lagoon!)

I like to role play Terminator with my boyfriend- I go back in time to when he’s a teenager and fuck him, and then try to kill his mother Are you a chamillionare? Because I am a chamillionare fo sho my ho my tickle me elmo

Medium Poll by Torgo Van Pelt This Thursday, Rutgers will play their regular season finale against Louisville.

This has been a bizarre season to say the least. After starting the season 1-5, they have now won the last 5 games, and are now the favorites to win number against the struggling Cards. People are excited that the team has got its groove back, but you’re reading The Medium, so we know how you really feel. Our Poll Question: What pisses you off the most about the Football team’s winning streak?

A.

Had 100 pages of dynamite Mike Teel material, now completely worthless.

B.

Seriously, I had great ideas for Mike Teel satire, fuck you guys.

C.

Will now result in Schiano, Mulcahy and Co. holding the State and the Administration, for even more money.

D.

They became so cocky, that they scheduled the game at the same time as the Night of Exactly 1003 Laughs (See Page 1)

E.

Fuck, we would have all been part of The Onion now thanks to our articles satirizing your inepitude. Why must you always make our lives miserable

Good luck in the InternationalPapaJohn’sSunCarCarePetersburg Bowl sponsored by Funyans, jackasses.

THE MEDIUM To all aspiring college pranksters. There are sleeping oafs in the bottom floor of Alexander Library. Please pelt them with waterballoons or tea-bag them or otherwise offend them so that they no longer are able to sleep peacefully. I used to love to study down there in those nice comfy chairs. Their snoring has destroyed the atmosphere. Justice must be served. I’d do it myself, but I’m “this” close to getting kicked out of Rutgers already.

Lol Oh, man. I can’t help but laugh at how the people at the Targum are panicking so much. So scary when you find out that you’re going to be like all the other newspapers on campus!

HAH! Well, as long as they get rid of Pop Culture Shock Therapy with the budget cuts, I’ll be quite pleased.

Oh and *insert penis joke here (why not just “insert penis here?” said the girl personals editor...) did anyone ever have a class with the “blood kid?” you know, that kid that wears a red tee shirt and bandana, and walks around on livingston making “crip killa” signs. does he go to rutgers? better yet, does he have a roommate, or did he already kill his roommate? im confused. oh and i heard the targum (rutgers’ inferior newspaper) might get less funding... does that mean anything (It means the world might have to rely on the medium more!! and MEE! I will mold an entire generation of screwed up social thought! AHHHhahaHAA!!! The revolution will not be televised... NOR will it be posted in the underfunded Targum!!!)

To peoples who wrote stupid articles in the targum. I’m sorry if my tomfoolery on the internet computers has you waitin’ to be studyin’.

But I really like to look at funny pictures of cats.

LOL. I mean, you’re not going to make any spiritual progress with your essay or slide studying presentation whatever. I am transcending feline spiritual bliss

THE MEDIUM

WHAT’S SHAKIN’?

Wednesday, December 3rd, 2008

“I broke my Dell this weekend. Your dad gives his regards.”

On Campus

December 5th: “Leeked - The Greatest Conspiracy on Earth” Learn how the Catholic Church suppressed the onion for eons, and how the vegetable was finally exposed! Nicholas Music Center, 8:00 p.m.

Indulgences to be sold!

December 8th: The Big Thrill - Run a 5k to help kids with autism! Try and catch topless Australian volleyball players while being chased by rabid pitbulls! Pre-registration not necessary. Meet outside the Rutgers Stdent Center at 3:00.

Off Campus December 5th: Dude totally gets whaled upon, like totally. It was fuckin’ brutal. Event scheduled for “behind the Denny’s on that one highway, I forget which.

December 9th: Your mom stops acting like a whore for the first time in her life. It is short-lived, however, but was memorable for existing in the first place. Starts out at your house, but moves to a seedy motel where she meets her “Johns”. (Get it, it’s a notworthy event for your mom to stop being a whore.

On This Day In History

304 - Rome becomes the conference leader in total sacks, beating former Pro-Bowler Jerusalem.

1324 - Confucius historically explains the correct pronunciation of his name, with his famous diktat: “You all have to fucking ‘sh’ when you say it.”

1941 - Mussolini dares Hitler to invade Poland after beating him three times in a row at a game of Asshole.

1994 - Dennis is fairly happy with his purchase. “That bitch better come crawling back to me, tits ablaze, after all I just spent on her.”

2001 - The Medium receives its first and third-to-last submission. It has since decided that improvement is necessary.

JOIN THE STAFF NEXT SEMESTER. MEETINGS ON WEDNESDAYS, FOURTH FLOOR OF RSC FINESTS CHINESE DINING NEW BRUNSWICK!!

COME FUN THE PARTY! OPENS DAY NIGHT

GOLDEN DRAGON CHINESE RESTAURANT FOR YOUR CHINESE TAKE-OUT. CALL: 919-834-2626 “LET US MAKE YOUR DAY”

*

meetings on the fourth floor of rsc every wednesday. we are an engrish-speaking crub.