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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themediumonline.com
Volume xli Issue xiI
NEWS QUICKIES
Inside joke edges out song lyric as title of Facebook album OLLEGE AVE— Student Vicky C Cheng was pleased to discover Friday that a long-time inside joke had finally matured into a witty and relevant title for a Facebook photo album. The joke, the origins of which remain mysterious, emerged from several drunken encounters on a night out. Discovered in the form of garbled text messages the following morning, Cheng and her roommates repeated the joke at an alarming frequency until it became a regular fixture in their friendship. “It just turned into this thing we say,” Cheng commented. “It comes out all the time, when we pregame we just start cracking up. I love you bitches!” Cheng and her friends nearly considered a line from a popular song that perfectly captures the fleeting nature of love and youth, until they broke out into another fit of cackling girly laughter and the joke’s fate was sealed. They then proceeded to upload hundreds of pointless, practically identical pictures that nobody but them would look through, while as of press time, the joke still made absolutely no sense.
Inside this Issue... -Police Lights Create Accidental Rave for Group of High Deaf Kids -Student Remembers When Livingston Used to Be All Parking Lots and Sadness -MEDIUM EXCLUSIVE: Tom Savage tells The Medium which school he is transferring to!
50¢
DECEMBER 8th, 2010 CHECKIN' YOU OUT
FRATERNITIES GET FULL-BODY SCANNERS FOR PARTY ENTRY "I ain't riding anyone I don't feel good about"
BY COMMANDO UNITED STATES NEWS EDITOR
UNION STREET—Next time you're at a frat party and you're wondering if her tits are real, rest assured that someone has already verified that. As the semester draws to a close and the peak party/rager season kicks into full swing, fraternities across Rutgers New Brunswick have tightened surveillance of the guests permitted entry into their households. The increase of student traffic has elevated the risk that undesirable douches and fuglies will find their way into frats-- individuals who threaten to make otherwise pleasant parties crash and burn. All entering female guests are required to go through a
stringent full-body scan as the frat brother at the door professionally imagines what the girl will look like naked. For those individuals the scanner cannot visualize, pat downs are also being utilized, which has not come without controversy.
Kevin Falco of Delta Chi was quick to justify their use of pat downs. "You know, with the winter months coming, you got fewer girls wearing dresses SCANNERS Continued on Back
THE SPIRIT OF THE SEASON
RU Football leads as "Most okay team" in Big East rankings BY CHIGN KARIOUT CONTRIBUTING WRITER
PISCATAWAY—Here's something to get complacent about! After months of decent plays and some okay touchdown runs, the Big East has finally recognized Rutgers as "average, perhaps even fairly good." RU currently has the number one spot in the league's not exactly anticipated annual rankings for "most okay team." To acknowledge the ranking, Rutgers leadership has unveiled its plans for a campaign that might or might not boost morale on the team itself and reestablish its fan base off of the field. But if it doesn't, no one will be too upset. The new RU football t-shirts will read “Rutgers Football Is Pretty Good!” School officials claim that the new approach in school spirit reflects their me-
Sad Schiano is Sad... diocre efforts to level with the students and maintain reasonable expectations of the football team's performance. “These students are out of high school now and it’s time that they hear the truth,” claims a reliable source. “It’s time that
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they lower their standards and accept our team for what it really is as opposed to what is desired.” Coach Schiano had no official comment on the matter although he was reported to be seen “flippin’ some tables” and “bro-ing out” according to an anonymous source. “This is really what we want,” stated sophomore Ari Leibowitz when asked how he felt about the new t-shirt design. “After being lied to all throughout high school about how difficult college would be and about the inevitability of facing the consequences of having unprotected sex with minors, the truth is refreshing.” Shirts will become available this Wednesday at your campus center in preparation for Rutgers’s crushing defeat at the hands of the Connecticut Huskies this Friday.
THE MEDIUM
NEWS
Wednesday, December 8th, 2010
"The greatest moment of my life was running around the house naked reading Glengarry Glenross."
DON'T BLINK!
Rarely seen LXcomet comes into view over campus BY JOHNNY 40HANDS CONTRIBUTING WRITER
UP IN DA SKY—Look to the sky at approximately 12:17 a.m. and you will be in for what is truly a once-in-a-lifetime treat. The LXc is expected to come close enough to Earth tonight that it will be visible as it streaks across the sky and leaves a trail of star matter and toxic gases behind. The LXc, short for "Livingston Express Comet," is a shortperiod comet that is visible to the naked eye every 75-76 years as it passes into our solar system. "I'm really excited to see this tonight," said super senior Alphonso Ortiz, a resident of the Treetop Apartments on Cedar Lane. "With the LXc coming around so infrequently, I haven't been able to go to class. "Through my entire time spent at Rutgers, tonight is my
thing on River Road with the llamas or alpacas or whatever the fuck they are. Those students expect to move in to Scott Hall and make it their SOARIN' THROUGH SPACE... new place of A telescopic photograph of the elusive comet residence. "I'm a Jewish Studies major!" opportunity to finally see what College Ave is like! I just know complained Samuel Goldberger. it's going to be a studious at- "My family hasn't been able to mosphere that inspires learning go to class since the last time and a healthy lifestyle", said Or- the LXc came around in 1935! And that was a terrible year!" tiz. You will want to make sure Other residents of Highyou don't sneeze, blink, or go land Park are already setting up camp, trying to get the best temporarily blind tonight; conview of the LXc when it makes sidering how infrequently the LXc comes around, tonight may its stellar appearance. Several will be preparing to very well be our last opportunijump onto the comet and ride ty to see it during our lifetimes. it past that little petting zoo
PROTECTION
SCANNERS ...continued from front and skirts," said Falco. "So pat downs ensure we know what they got under their clothes. No one's hiding anything from us." Guys don't get off easy either, as the security measures apply to both males and females. "Less than five inches and your supposed manhood ain't getting in," said Luke Guiles as he stood outside Theta Chi with a tape measure. Though the Rutgers community has been overall receptive toward the body scanners, some have shown concerns that they may constitute a breach of privacy. Some fraternities have stepped forward in response to ensure that it will not be an issue. "(sic) Pssh, privacy my ass," said Corey Kline of Delta Sigma Phi. "Seriously, I never remember shit the next day after we throw keggers, so your junk's safe with the Corsters."
University Creates Reversible Condom 'Just flip it around and get back to it,' says researchers BY OLIVER KLOZOFF STAFF WRITER
The item that has been 20 years in the making has finally been created. A team of Rutgers researchers discovered a potential remedy for the STD’s that have long plagued the campus. Rutgers is infamous for many things but nothing captures the headlines like Rutgers STD rate, which is estimated to affect two out of every three students. Rutgers has tried many things to corral the spread of STD’s from abstinence programs to the Hurtado Health center. None have ever proved that effective. The team of researchers were working in the labs using the latest technologies. One researcher finished a test with subject. After finishing the sub-
ject asked, “Are you good to go again?” As per the requirements of the test the researchers are meant to think like the average Rutgers student. When he was good to go again he realized he could turn the condom inside out. He flicked off the goo from the condom, put it back on and got back on the mattress. “This is the breakthrough that we’ve been searching for,” Warner Samson said, the lead researcher of the project. “We know that Rutgers students are chronically lazy and are confident they will stop irresponsible intercourse.” Reports have surfaced that the STD claims have dropped over the past two weeks. In an odd coincidence, reports of pregnancy are on an astronomical rise.
TRIVIALITIES
Few care that they didn't know a fucking mini mall is on top of Douglass parking deck BY THE KILLA WHALE STAFF WRITER
DOUGLASS – After several months of construction, the highly anticipated mini-mall atop Douglass Deck is finally ready for its grand opening. New Brunswick officials in charge of improving the city’s attractions and increasing profits proposed the idea for a new mini-mall on Douglass last January. Rutgers President Richard McCormick heard the proposal and felt that a shopping center was a great opportunity to increase the university’s revenue as well as create jobs for New Brunswick residents. The only problem was finding an area to build the new mall but that issue was quickly resolved last March when campus officials caught a Rutgers grounds-worker hosting a party on top of Douglass Deck. The “grounds-worker incident” proved to Rutgers officials that nobody parks on top of Douglass Deck and students generally don’t even realize what it looks like up there. This anomaly made the construction period relatively unnoticed until this semester when students couldn’t find a place to park due to the large number of enrollments. However, McCormick said that student parking is the least of his worries and that he’d rather focus on figuring out how to keep potential consumers satisfied. Current plans are to open the sale of Douglass Deck permits to all city residents so they can park at the deck and shop. The mini-mall, which is slated to open next semester, will feature a Starbucks, Footprints, Chipotle, and Cold Stone Creamery, all of which can also be found on George St. in New Brunswick.
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Editorial Staff Fall 2010
F
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Senior Editor
Reven MacQueen John Bender Joey Threlfall Tim Swanson
News Editors Kaitie Davis Jordan Gochman Features Editor Katie Russian Opinions Editor Erinn Koerner Arts Editor Kristen Cignavitch Personals Editor Carmella Luczak
Personals Editor What’s Shakin’ Editor Copyeditor Photo Manager Webmaster Faculty Advisor
Kenneth Brooks Amy DiMaria Shane Whelan Abe Stanway Abe Stanway Barbara Reed
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication, and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to the guys who thought I was a Mormon when I was wearing my work uniform. "Hey, is a Mormon like a male version of a nun?" "Was the Pope a Mormon?" "What the fuck is Utah?"
THE MEDIUM
FEATURES
Wednesday, December 8th, 2010
“HO HO HOOOOOO” no fear, there are no dream thieves, ideas being implanted in your head, or “Limbo”.* All that sci-fi nonsense is good fun in the movies but now imagine it sitting on your kitchen table, just ready to attach to your head and send you into a dream world of your own design! Some of the features of our improved system are…
Hey, you! Has the boring same-old, same-old been getting you down? Are you missing a certain excitement and wonder in your daily routine? Happiness is just around the corner for you! With Life 2.0, you won’t have to worry about going to class, graduating, meeting new people, or anything! Our updated systems allow you to create just about anything you desire, a world made of marshmallows? You bet! Surrounded by fish? Under the sea in no time! What about your secret, unmentionable fetishes? Sure thing weirdo! There’s no need for reality when you can have Life 2.0! You may have seen us at work in the summer sensation film, Inception. Have
By A-Hood, Staff Mile-High Club Member
(Congrats man. Continental will never be the same.)
1. Imagination-How-To Manual: No imagination? No problem! With our new guide, you’ll be doing the things we thought of in no time! 2. Comfortable Headset: Only the best for our customers, our headsets offer the finest lobe attachments for maximum severance from reality! 3. Emergency Stop Button: You’ll never need or want to use this! 4. Spinning Top: For the adventurous types! Stop living the dull, depressing sham of a life you lead now, instead pick up Life 2.0 and have an exciting, pleasurable sham of a life! *We take no responsibility for what may happen once you use our systems.
Medium Words of the Week
Bloset: When one’s bed and closet become an interchangeable entity
and its sole purpose is to house piles of assorted shit. Entertaintrix: One who must be in control of all entertainment devices within a 20 foot radius, or else they are liable to either perish internally or kill someone. Bi-toxicated: A state of intoxication where girls are entirely comfortable making out with other females.
By Russian Mail-Order Bride Features Editor
I was raised as a Unitarian Universalist. Growing up, many of the kids who went to normal churches would ask me what exactly a Unitarian was and I would always tell people it was kind of like a church but without all the “God and Jesus stuff.” Instead, we focused more on things like learning to express ourselves (emotionally, spiritually, and of course sexually), being one with nature, and fighting for gay rights. To be honest, I still can’t explain Unitarian ideals with complete accuracy. This is probably because my congregation was comprised of approximately 50% Agnostics, 20% Athiests, 15% actual Christians, and 15% Mixed grab bag (Jews,
An Analytical Breakdown of The Beatles Classic: “I Am The Walrus”
Buddhists, very, very confused people, etc.) Obviously, this leads to confusion regarding any unified set of beliefs. After looking at the title of this passage, you may now be wondering: “If only around 15% of Unitarians believe that Jesus was, in fact, the son of God, why the hell do the rest of you people celebrate Christmas?” Good fucking question! Probably the same reason we celebrate Passover, winter solstice, and Palm Sunday Because we are a welcoming congregation that encourages everyone to celebrate everything. But hey, I’m not complaining. Who can turn down presents and food?
‘Tis the Season to Conspire After months of investigation and numerous meetings with my Rutgers informant, Pearl Diver, I believe I have finally uncovered the conspiracy lying beneath the campus surface. All the clues and the hints provided by my mysterious sneak have seemingly led me to one ultimate conclusion. The truth behind the conspiracy at Rutgers is that President Richard McCormick is actually a member of an underground mafia made up of people named “Richard.” The money scandals, the mistreatment of employees, and the disregard for state law on recycling supports what I saw this past Friday at Old Bay Restaurant on Church Street. I was sharing a few drinks with friends when I had decided that it was time to “break the seal.” Behind one of the toilets in the restroom, I noticed a thin crack in the wall. My mind began to flood with all the possibilities of what I may have uncovered. On a hunch, I lifted the tank and found a lever that opened a secret compartment hidden behind the wall of that particular stall. With an overpriced Miller Lite bottle in my hand, I ventured on into the hidden, dark corridor. There was a putrid smell of used gym socks, old cigarettes, and Panama Red. As my heart-rate continued to
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increase, the light at the end of the tunnel also shone brighter. To my amazement, at the end of the secret hallway was a balcony that overlooked a conference room. I tried to remain hidden as my investigation finally reached its climax. The secret men’s bathroom hideout was full of Dicks. There were so many Dicks I couldn’t stop and get a good look at all of them. However, I managed to point out a few.
1.
University President McCormick
(The big Dick on campus.)
2. Former Vice-President Cheney
(The original Dick.)
3. Survivor Alumni Richard Hatch
(Fully-exposed Dick.)
4. Little Richard ‘Nuff said. The entire congregation was meeting to discuss world domination, future pranks, and how to steal Christmas better than the Grinch. Will they succeed? I’m not worried about a bunch of Dicks. And all this double entendre about penises is starting to get carried away. Let’s redeem ourselves by showing up drunk for our exams! Who’s with me?!?
THE MEDIUM
OP/ED “Wait...Phil goes into it twice??”
Desperation + Poor Judgment = Pure Embarrassment By: The Shark Contributing Writer
I
woke up Saturday morning, chugged a water bottle, took some Excedrin, and tried to piece together my night. As the fuzzy memories came flooding in, I began twitching uncontrollably as I remembered that I had made an even bigger ass out of myself than usual. Not only did I bitch about my “crush” to everyone on my floor that went to Zeta Friday night, I thought it would be a great idea to charm him with my wit. However, by that point I was slurring pretty badly which is probably why my friends just smiled and nodded when I approached them and told them I was going to give that asshole a piece of my mind. I found him, dramatically grabbed his shirt, and turned him around so we were facing
each other. In addition to my slurred speech and impaired judgment, I was also spilling my beer on everyone within a five-foot radius. So there I was, professing my love like the DB (drunk bitch)
It covered most of my ass so I wore it as a dress with cutout stockings and highheeled boots I was, slurring and sloshing everywhere. His response: I have to go find Dylan. “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!” Not only was I disappointed that we didn’t immediately start sloppily making out on the middle of the dance floor (not uncommon), I was also very unimpressed by his feeble response. I usually use the, “Sorry, I’m a lesbian” excuse, which is no prize either, but he could’ve come up with something a little better.
Later, my night took a turn for the better. As I was walking back to my dorm, I paused at the bus stop by the Grease Trucks to update my Facebook status to, “On to the next one ;).” It was then that I realized it was still technically Friday night and the bus schedule was still somewhat convenient. I began clapping and hopping around like a retarded seal as I came to the conclusion that I didn’t have to walk all the way back to Frelinghuysen and probably freeze to death because of my outfit, or lack there of: a short sleeved “shirt” (It covered most of my ass so I wore it as a dress with cutout stockings and high-heeled boots). As I clawed through the crowd of DB’s and got a seat on the REXL, I smiled, drunk-texted, and was glad that the night wasn’t a total failure.
Exams: I Have the Solution By: Investigatory Journalist Staff Writer
W
e all know what’s coming in the next few weeks…the dreaded exams. Now unlike most people I believe that they are necessary. They help evaluate our learning and allow people like me (those who go to class and give a shit about the assignments and reading thought the semes-
Wednesday, December, 8th 2010
ter) to separate ourselves from those who never come to class, and don’t understand the concept of turning a paper in on time. My problem comes when I sign up for a class Tuesday and Thursday at 3:55 to 5:15 pm and then learn my final exam will be on a SATURDAY at 9:00 pm.
I have heard the reasons “that there is no
other way to schedule the times,” “that there are too many students to accommodate during the week days”. Bull shit. I say we only take exams that are as long as the class period of the class giving the exam. Then we could all take them at the exact time and place the class has met all semester. Done.
On Attending the
Theater
By: Stupid Tinsley Resident Contributing writer
E
very person that stands upon the stage is somewhat equal. What I mean is that when more than one person acts in a scene, they are all of equal importance even if they are an extra that stands in the back and doesn’t say any lines. Every person must work together on stage to create a story that is entertaining, vivid, and realistic. It is never the work of only one actor, even if they are up on stage alone. Apparently, people don’t get that. Imagine you are in a play with a few other people. You act your best and everyone works equally hard on creating an amazing experience for the audience. Your scene has finished and the lights black out, signaling the audience to extend applause for your combined performances. Instead of applause, you hear: “WOOOOOOO! GO MY FRIEND WHO ISN’T YOU! MY FRIEND IS TALENTED
AND ROCKS AND IS REALLY GOOD AT THIS! THIS APPLAUSE IS ONLY FOR MY FRIEND AND NOONE ELSE ON STAGE!” See my point? While I have never heard anything quite like that, I have heard people scream accolades for their friends as they performed, much to the chagrin of everyone else on stage and in the audience. I understand that you appreciate seeing your friend on stage performing and doing a good job but there are other people working up there! Forcing everyone in the theater to hear you screaming is just annoying and is disrespectful to the rest of the cast, which is full of people who now resent your friend because they find this just as conceited and annoying as I do. Why not clap like the rest of us and save the screaming for the bows at the end? If you at any point think that this is too much to ask, don’t see shows your friends are in. Plain and simple.
Cute Things Lower Corner
From the Desk of
Paris Halin
E
veryone knows that America is in a recession so devastating that the world (yes America is the whole world) as we know it will never be the same. Now I normally agree with whatever Glen Beck says but I have one disagreement with him. He is under the impression that coffee will soon cost $75 a pound and that America will turn into a real-life
reenactment of Mad Max. I disagree...slightly. The world will be in shambles. We should all go out and buy guns to protect ourselves. We should all learn to slaughter and prepare wild animals from blue birds to beavers. Yet the country will not dissolve into a wasteland with Mel Gibson riding around in a beat-up car. Instead the States will
rise up! The states will again be more powerful than the national government (as it should be). Each state will provide for the people in that state and will be competitive with all the others. The resources in the state will determine the quality of life for those living within (sorry Jersey). Anyway, everyone should move to Alaska…and pay heavy instate taxes.
This Photo was Submitted by our News Editor Jordan’s Mom (aka: coolest Mom Ever!) This is not only the last cute thing of the semester but as of next semester the beloved Cute Things Area will be moved to our Features Page :..(
OPINIONS@THEMEDIUMONLINE.COM
Hello There Reader! Christmas is always a special time here at The Medium and to show our dedication to our glorious leader (Santa) we have compiled this four page Holiday spread for you! Look inside for coupons, calenders and shopping advice, courtesy of our tireless staff who have much, MUCH better things to do midnight on a Monday! Johnny Challenger- Managing Editor
Broetry
An Excerpt From Pledge Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire By Nadroj, Irb, and Ynnek (To the tune of: Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire)
Pledge Nuts roasting on an open fire, Random paddlings by the bros A hospital bill you may need to acquire After the upperclassmen step on your toes… Everybody knows a frathouse and some “mistletoe,” Help to make the weekends bright. Tiny sluts with their eyes all aglow, Will find it hard to sleep tonight… Away in a Bathroom (To the tune of Away in a Manger) Away in a bathroom No need to be said A frat boy named Jesus Was gettin’ some head
By Sum Dum Joo One of Many Staff Joos
ence around the holidays would not only be a positive boon to morale but generate sympathy Chanukah is the Jewish equiv- from the Christians, who would alent of Christmas, which is the feel sad that they had left their white people version of Chinese jew friends out of the holiday New Year. At this point, someone cheer. The hannukah holiday is eight has probably told you, shown you a picture of, or complained days and eight nights, mostly beabout Hanukkah. If you haven’t cause back in the 50s when the heard anything about it up to this holiday was created jews were able to use any point, you either went to Catholic Underneath most Chinese of their obscure school or lived restaurants is an elevator holidays to get as much time beneath a Tanzanian sewer line to the secret jew bunker we off from work as for a number of have stashed beneath the possible. But the most years. Earth’s crust. important rule of But being the good jew I am, and I must em- Hannakah is that it never directly phasize that I am a jew because coincides with Christmas Day. Why can we Jews never share I don’t want any calls from the JDL, I will proliferate the story of a holy day with our Christian Hanukahh for you here, just in brethren? Because while you goytime to buy all your jew friends em are unwrapping your presents, we go to our yearly secret socks. Chanukahh was invented in Jew meeting. That old adage that the late 1950s as part of some- we go to Chinese restaurants is thing called “The Great Zionist still slightly factual because unConspiracy,” an underground derneath most Chinese restaumovement of jews who col- rants is an elevator to the secret lectively sought to control the jew bunker we have stashed beworld. (They initially controlled neath the Earth’s crust. All day we attend informathe media through hard work tional seminars on guilt distribuand determination, lol.) Created in response to Christ- tion, media control and how to mas, the organization believed understand what your mother is that creating a bigger visual pres- saying.
CHRISTMAS CAROL EDITION Fill the Frats With Kegs and Women By The Killa Whale
(To the tune of: Deck the Halls)
Fill the Frats with kegs and women Fa la la la la, la la la la Suck me off and down that semen Fa la la la la, la la la la We’re alone in my bro’s basement Fa la la, la la la, la la la “Did you get that text I last sent?” Fa la la la la, la la la la “Yes I did, I brought a condom.” Fa la la la la, la la la la “Put it on and fuck me silly.” Fa la la la la, la la la la Knocked her up in thirty minutes Fa la la la la, la la la la Look for me on Jerry Springer Fa la la la la, la la de fucking da
No Blue Balls By Oswaldo Goldbottom (to the tune of Jingle Bells)
No blue balls, No blue balls, No blue balls today, Oh what fun it is to fuck, When its gonna end my way, ey! No blue balls, No blue balls, No blue balls for me, I’m gonna give her jungle juice, And then get that pussy.
Christmas Holiday Special “Let’s not bring Jesus into this.”
THE MEDIUM
2010 Holiday Fashion Report It’s that time of the year where all the major labels and designers roll out the latest holiday fashions and trends. This year’s must-have item is Jeggings, a combination of popular leggings with jeans. Not to be outdone, major labels and designers have unveiled their own special denim based products and the results are stunning. Denim DOES make everything better! Uggs Juggs
Rutgers-Abercrombie and Fitch Presidential Casual Jeans
Apple iJhone 4
Hewlett-Packard Denim Fiber Japer
Levi’s Spermicidal Denim Jondoms
American Apparel Jean Jhorts
Christmas Holiday Special “Unwrap your present, babe. By present, I mean my penis”
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GET YOUR SHOP ON WITH THESE COUPONS! INSTRUCTIONS: CUT ALONG THE DOTTED LINES AND FOLLOW DIRECTIONS ON COUPON
(1) DATE WITH TARGUM EIC NEIL KYPERS* *Stain resistant, nonflammable clothing highly suggested. Must have a familiar knowledge of the first 12 chapters of the Kama Sutra
YOU WISH THIS WAS A REAL ADVERTISEMENT
Note: None of these coupons are fake. We don’t fuck around when it comes to Christmas deals. Especially the date with Neil Phoenix Kypers. That one’s almost TOO good for you assholes who only read the Personals on Wednesday. There are 6 other pages you know. Enjoy Neil, dicks.
THE MEDIUM
Christmas Holiday Special “Jehovah’s Witnesses need not apply”
DECEMBER 2010 These Days Are Meaningless
JEW CHRISTMAS! (Chanukah)
FREE SPACE
Eat Lunch at Tillett Actor Dining Hall Frankie Muniz’s you should’ve Inevitable Day come, bro!) Birthday (25) Food Poi...wait how many days is this again? BLACK CHRISTMASES! (Kwanzaa) soning Day Absolutely Free Money Day! Nothing Hap- (If you missed it, pened Today it was AWESOME,
?
Today is gonna be the day/ That they’re gonna throw it back to you/ By now you should’ve somehow/ Realized what...
Last Day to Skip Your Reading Days (Rutgers) 2pm Class Or: Read a paragraph out of your book you haven’t opened all semester, get bored, smoke a bowl and watch Adventure Time until it starts to make sense
Shit, shit, shit, shit. Fucking 3 finals tomorrow! Is that It’s 12:20 the time? God Somewhere, DAMMIT!
duuuuuude
Boxing Day (Irish Bars)
2010th Pre-Anniversary of the 2012 Apocalypse
What if you could go back in time and correct a huge mistake Day
James, you need to break up with Megan today. Dude, she sucks and is fucking crazy. I saw Becky checking you out last night and she is DTF. Text her!
Eat Lunch at Neilson Instead of Tillett Day
Visiting Relatives Hell
BLACK CHRISTMASES! (Kwanzaa)
New Jersey comes in Third Place in the Constitution Ratification Race. Beaten by Delaware and Pennsylvania, clearly superior states.
International Deny a PregSavior/Actor nant Woman on a Donkey a Jesus Hershel Christ’s Room in Your Birthday (2010) Hotel Day
Bad Judgement Eve
Back to normal (Irish Bars)
Don’t Even Think of Collecting $200
Wednesday, December 8th, 2010
THE MEDIUM
ARTS “No offense, but you’re the fugliest girl I have ever seen in my life.”
COMIC
GRAFFITI COMIC
CHRISTMAS COMICS
GRAFFITI
Location: Bush/College Ave Walking Path
MUSIC REVIEW
Christmas Music BY KCIG
What distinguishes a group of humans living in the same area from a true culture is the sharing of social instututions, intellectual achievements, and common goals. Why is it that we, as members of American society, choose to have the custom of playing Christmas music all day for a solid month? This is something we are all responsible on some level for letting it define us as a society. This has gone on for the better part of the last century, since the 1930’s when all Christmas songs were recorded. In our modern consumer culture that disposes of entertainment almost as soon as it is created, why the fuck is this shit what we chose to keep around? Listening to Christmas music doesn’t make me remember heart-warming times I spent with my family. It makes me remember that last year I was also miserable while listening to Christmas music on the radio because I was in a car with someone and I didn’t have any say in what we were listening to. 0/5 Feliz Navidad, Feliz Navidad...
THE MEDIUM
Just About
Everything But The
PERSONALS
“I’m not a pervert. Even Santa Clause likes Ho’s. He had three of them.”
LIVIN & LOVIN
HOLY SH!T
To the loud bitches outside Nicholas Hall: kindly shut the fuck up and learn how to act like civilized human beings instead of chimpanzees high on LSD. I hope someone pulls the hair off your fucking scalps and shoves them so far down your throat they'll come out through your asses. What a disgrace to college women
Dear people trying to make college students repent of their sins on college ave, why are you here...I see you guys all the time...I mean i believe in God and everything but telling people they need to repent now and trying to scare people is not the best idea...please just go. (Free speech: They can say that, you can write this!)
CHARLIE’S ANGELS
QnA
To the kids of the Frelinghuysen penthouse...where did this obsession with Robot Unicorn Attack come from?
Dear Rutgers, I’m tired of sorotitudes and snooki wannabes trashes. Where can I find a pretty, ambitious and driven girl with a passion for a good cause?
to the two tall guys with long brown hair that live on the 6th floor of frelinghuysen, i don’t know if you guys are brothers but i’ll take either one of you ;) First of all, I’d like to state that girls don’t poop - which makes me believe that it was actually a guy who took the atomic duke in the 6th floor frelinghuysen girls bathroom. It’s safe to say that was the most vulgar shit any of us have ever experienced. For the future, please be humane and clean your jawn. To the blond kid and asian kid on the 6th floor of Frelinghuysen. Why the fuck are you two always snapping and groaning? Both of you sound like two fucking retards who are severely abusing the skill of the dipsnap. Shut the fuck up. To the two girls scissoring last night on the 6th floor of Frelinghuysen. That isn’t sexy or attractive. You all just looked like a bunch of drunken morons. To the asian on the 6th floor of frelinghuysen. OOOOH babbbbay wasss yo name?? -Asian Persuasion PS. You can Tap me Out To the tall sexy guy on the sixth floor of frelinghuysen. I love your broad shoulders and brown hair. You make me want to attack you sexually in the elevator. OH YEAA EVERYBODY LOVES FRELINGHUYSEN 6TH FLOOR YEAA (No, they don’t. Its all about the first floor, baby =P!!!) To the hot guy on the 6th floor of frelinghysen. you know how much every girl on the floor wants you, but you’re just so far out of reach. It’s not your fault, youre clearly a gift from god to us. we just wish we could jump on you and unwrap that gift now. keep walking around in just a towel, and let us keep hope alive. we love you. sincerely, those girls on the sixth flloor of frelinghuysen :) u know who
(You’re in the wrong city, buddy.) Single white male looking for: single woman. Any takers? (No.) why is it so impossible to find a girl here that’s single and isnt a total whore/psycho? (Because that is the way it was intended to be when we landed on the banks of the old Raritan, my friend.) What’s white outside, black inside, and red on top? (No. Just simply no. I don’t care if this is not a valid answer. Fuck you, NO.) Why do I have a dick on me? (Not sure, but I’m thinking you’re probably a whore, and this isn’t the first time you made this discovery.)
SKOOL ROOLZ To the really cute guy in my economics class...thanks for giving me something to look forward to every week ;) (Spicy Caramel says yeah, because there is nothing like spending a 3 hour class staring at the back of someone’s head.) To the 6 black girls that sit behind me in theater appreciation who don’t stop talking and all got Ds on the exam. Maybe if you all shut the fuck up and listen or take some notes you could get As like the rest of the class. You are all dumb stupid bitches and shouldn’t be in college. To the girl in my Jewish Graphic Novel class, everytime you walk into class I smile because i get to see your beautiful face. I could get lost in your dark curly hair. Hopefully I will gain the courage to talk to you before the semester is over. (Oh no! You’re running out of time bro. This is what you do... when you read this, get an extra copy of the paper, and offer it to her with this personal highlighted. Then she’ll feel so loved!!!)
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
FROM THE DESK OF DR. K Yo, Rutgers! We’re finally almost out of this bitch! Another semester down, another period without severely toxic alcohol poisoning (for most of us), another 20K out of our life’s net worth, another round of final fucking exams. I would like to take this time to wish you all a happy holiday and good luck on your finals, but that would be out of character for me, so fuck you and your finals. I have my own shit to worry about, such as PHP now. See you next semester (?). - Dr. K, Candidate Personals Editor of This Side
Santa’s List Of Rules For Life 1. Don’t Pay For Overnight Delivery When You Can Get The 3 Wise Men For Free. 2. Be Safe! Use UL-Certified Holiday Lights. 3. Don’t Leave Sex Toys For Your Wife Under Your Tree From Santa If You Have Children.
personals@themediumonline.com w w w. i l o v e t h e p e r s o n a l s . c o m FALL 2010 PERSONALS READER’S CHOICE Based on your personals from the Fall 2010 run of The Medium, we hereby certify that the following are the most hated by the Rutgers University community based on negative personals.
MOST HATED BUS LINE 1. F - Line 2. Weekend Lines 3. EE - Line
MOST HATED STREET 1. Every fuckin’ street in New Brunswick!
MOST HATED DORM 1. Tie! Jameson, Katzebach, Campbell 2. Demarest 3. Tie! Busch Suites, Quad, Clothier
MOST HATED BUILDING
1. ARC. Just ARC. Congratulations to the winners, and see you next semester!
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Wednesday, December 8th, 2010
THE MEDIUM
PERSONALS “You are in fact, a robot.”
JUST....PEOPLE
THINGS THAT MOVE
AWESOME PERSONALS
What is with all the goddamn screaming outside Allen Hall in the wee hours of the morning on weekdays? You all are the reason freshmen are known for being idiotic. Find something better to do with your time before I beat you all fucking senseless. (Just do it, because they’re not going to stop anyway...) To the blonde girl who eye fucked the living shit out of me while walking towards livi campus from the parking lot; If I ever see you again we’re gonna do more then exchange those looks, its a shame we both kept walking I’m hoping to see your sexy ass again. love the kid in the white soxs hat Hello. You have a special spot in my tiny, black heart. (I think that’s called heart failure, actually...)
To the F bus driver who closed the door in my face when I was attemting to board the bus at Red Oak Lane; If I fail my math class for unexcused absences, I am balming Mr. “5 Mini.” Seriously. You have been driving that bus as long as I have been at this school. I think by now you should at least recognize me and not slam the door in my face. Thank you. To the douchebag who stuck out half his body screaming like a retard out of the driver’s seat of the car driving by Passion Puddle: have fun cracking open your fucking head and splattering your brains on the pavement. To the girl in the maroon car who was trying to park her car by the RSC parking lot; Thanks for not hitting me, but you still pretty much fail at life. To the bitch who almost hit me on College Ave; I am pretty sure my bulk would have totalled your stupid Honda... I know you are reading this, so stop. This is no place for you. Thanks. To the stupid ass rexb bus drivers that have those awkward stupid buses that don’t look like the other Rutgers Buses....ok we know your brakes work....no need to slam them every ten seconds and make every person standing slam into each other and fly all over the bus!! It’s realllyyyy not that serious that you need to slam your brakes so hard... kthanxbye! A letter to save time, money and fuel; To the Weekend 2 bus: Make a right on George st and stop fucking going around Johnson & Johnson as there are no bus stops along this route and it is completely pointless and ridiculous. To the H bus: From the Stadium you DO NOT need to make a left on Scarlet Knights Way and go around the Visitor Center field as there are no bus stops here either, just go fucking straight on Sutphen Rd and it will bring you to the same damn place, morons.
To the nasty dirty filthy bitch that keeps leaving her shit in the toilet WITHOUT USING ANY TOILET PAPER every morning at Katzenbach. what the hell?? Clean up yo shit!!! To the person who wrote about the pickles and cream cheese fantasy two Mediums ago....what the hell?????? lmao. (You wouldn’t understand unless you met someone with an abnormally large head...) To my professor in my Journalism class that brought out the sesame street finger puppets in class and acted out the voices, you made my day!!!! lmao. =] To the Medium staff: I don’t go here but I was visiting and completely loved your paper. Quality shit. And Amanda Hugginkiss, you’re completely correct. Journalism classes at NYU are the same. Maybe worse. Keep it up guys. (Aww thanks! I love you more than I love brand name peanut butter...that shit is expensive...) Hey! poltergeist in the corner, i see you...you can come out now (Then Elevator at Katzenbach opens without pressing the button...O__O)
To the guys who stole my pizza from the UCONN Rutgers Game; WTF??? For real now. Ok so u stole my pizza and then felt it was ok to eat it and sing and chant about it on the bus on way back to College Ave...ASSHOLES!!!!! To cuntmuffin mcfuckface, Fuck you fuckin fuckity FUCK YOU. I need to sleep like every once in a while. If you won’t turn off the god damned light and use your desk lamp then PLEASE don’t answer your fuckin PHONE once I finally fall asleep! Your inconsideration knows no bounds you motherfuckin bitch. Also that alarm-going-off-fortwo-or-four-hours-onsnooze thing really needs to stop!! TO THE FUCKING ASSHOLE DOWN THE HALL. KEEP OUT OF MY ROOM AND WHEN YOU FEEL THAT YOU HAVE TO “BLESS” ME WITH A VISIT, KNOCK WHEN YOU FUCKING COME IN. LAST TIME YOU CAME IN, YOU INTERRUPTED ME JACKING OFF TO YOUR SISTER!!! KNOCK MOTHERFUCKER!!!! KNOCK!!! (Boys are icky...) I am not getting on that plane unless I have my goddamn bottle of Fanta...
To the girl in the college ave gym that looks like an alien...I want to fuck you sooo bad. (Dr. K says don’t end up catching some type of VD that can’t be treated on planet earth!)
From the sticky, filthy mind of Spicy Caramel
Thank you everyone who enjoyed my sidebar article. Really. It made my day suck a lot less. Well ok, not really. Don’t get too excited. Hopefully most of you made it back from Thanksgiving because if its anything like my family, we are now reduced to using knives made out of plastic. Anyway, to keep up with the whole “Yay Holidays!” crap, here’s a few things about this wondeful season that I personally, hate. 1. Gifts: Oh I love gifts, don’t get me wrong, but seriously, buying them for people you feel awkward about? Yeah that’s an issue. How do you say “I really like you, but I don’t want to scare the crap out of you by spending money on you?” I don’t know. Make a card out of macaroni? Extra large condoms? I mean that second option could be a compliment. 2. The cold: Yeah I know I’m whining about the weather but I seriously don’t care what you think so, whatever. I don’t like putting on 4 layers of clothes just so I can walk my fat ass down to the mailbox. 3. Angry asshats: What the hell is it about winter that makes everyone so fucking surly? You’re standing in line at Shop Rite texting and some asshat behinds you bellows “EXCUSE ME?! YO YOU GONNA MOVE OR WHAT?!” No jackass. I am just going to stand here and resume my happy texting time. 4. Travel: Um...I don’t know about you, but getting groped by a TSA employee at Newark who bears a resembelance to Hitler is not my idea of a good time... CLASSES
LOLERCOASTER
To the girl in my math class; No one finds the fact that you swear like a truck driver attractive. All I heard the entire hour was your stupid voice. Please do us all a favor and throw yourself off the horse bridge by Hickman Hall. Dear Webreg; I think that you should know that you are ruining every chance that I have at happiness in the future.
To the gay 6th floor riverdorm RA; You are a fucking faggot and I am glad your Indian boyfriend left you to become a priest.
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To that guy on my 5th floor: Despite my drunk denials last sat, I think you’re really hot, in fact you’re a really sexy asian! I hope you don’t find this too weird- hope we could become friends ^_^!
WHAT’S SHAKIN’
Wednesday, November 17th, 2010
“A king that eats nothing but bacon.”
Good luck on your finals, enjoy whatever holiday you decide to celebrate and look for The Medium next semester! -Dr. Clayton Forrester
How The Medium Prepares For Finals Study Tip #1: Copy your notes from a smart person.
Many tears kemon Red Hours of Po Study Tip #2:
Study Tip #3:
Take frequent breaks. These breaks should last for several hours or even days. Only resume studying the night before your exam.
Flash games help your mind stay sharp during study breaks. Be sure to get completely engrossed in the games for hours. Don’t stop until you beat the
Sleeping
PHOTO NOT FOUND Paying off the smart kids “Other”
Actually Stu dying
’s Holiday Celebration Guide Christmas
aka: X-mas, Santa Isn’t Real Day
• FOOD!
Hanukkah
aka: Jew Christmas • Get berated by angry Jewish mother for not calling home enough.
-Christmas involves huge dinners with ham, potatoes and little pieces of • Exchange Jew gold. gluttony known as sugar cookies. • High-stakes dreidel games.
• PRESENTS!
• Kosher meals for everyone (if you’re that into being Jewish).
-This is the one day of the year when it really is better to receive than to give. • Get gifts like school supplies. It’s 8 days and your parents aren’t made of money, you • Tree! know. -Every house needs a bitchin’ tree for Pictured: presents. Where else would you put the presThe face of ents?
Hanukkah
• Jesus...?
Menorah DO NOT confuse these candle holders. Kwanzaa Candle Thingy
KWANZAA CORNER