12/4/13 Rutgers Medium

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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com

Volume XLVI Issue XI

50¢

December 4th, 2013

R PROBLEMS

BLOCK R SYNONYMOUS WITH SCANDAL, FAILURE, AND NEW JERSEY

BY GODIVA'S MAN-BITCH EDITOR-IN-CHEIF

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ – A blind study last week of nonstudents revealed a harrowing fact: Rutgers’ (iconic?) block R logo is widely associated with the state of New Jersey. Scandals and failure too, but very much New Jersey. The logo, which has for years stood mostly for athletic incompetency and college fashion conformity is now conjuring images of a state known for violent cities, parkways and a named abdomen. The University had little to worry about back in the days of nappy-headed hoes and losing seasons, but now school officials are concerned that widespread athletic failure and scandals, coupled with the image of New Jersey "IF I WANT TO CALL YOU A will sink the Rutgers brand for BITCH, I'LL CALL YOU A BITCH" The Scarlet Knights tell Kyle good.

“ I’m particularly worried that people will see the logo and think, ‘this school is in New Jersey,’” said senior Vice President Robin Marvin. “It was one thing when it was ‘hey, that’s that school that never wins football titles,’ but now it’s ‘hey, that’s the school where that kid got bullied, where they throw basketballs at their athletes and still suck, and it is also in the state of New Jersey”. “I’m frightened,” he continued.

“Nothing is worse for a brand then to be associated with NJ,” said advertising specialist Daniel McMuffington. “Well, it could be West Virginia, but still,” he followed.

The brand study included a random testing of 12 out of state college-aged youths. When asked about their thoughts, alContinued on Page 2

SHOOT, I'LL EAT IT

Fed Ex to Launch Counter Attack Against Amazon Drone Service

QUICKIES

Turkey volunteers as tribute in place of sibling Chinatown to begin selling Misfortune Cookies Mannequin dies in Black Friday stampede Bee cries over Honey BooBoo Dining halls begin non-stop Christmas music Pacific Rim sounds like SoutheastAsian porn film Smokeshop sells eloquent vases Record number of Thanksgiving food babies aborted in Rutgers bathrooms Falsified New Brunswick water reports explain frequent vomiting on College Avenue

"DELIVERY WILL BE QUICK, EFFICIENT, AND FORCEFUL" Federal Express has been collaborating with the United States Air Force in order to lead postal buisness in death-machine powered delieveries.

NOW IN COLOR SInce TODAY

Tom Daly comingout story belongs under by-line YOUR THUMB GOES HERE Deleted quickies wondering what they did wrong

the Medium

NEWS

Wednesday, December 4th, 2013

"This looks different than how we left it..."

BLOWING IT ON THE BANKS

AND ORANGE IS THE NEW BANANA?

White is the New Black University

BY SAWYER

STAFF WRITER

Tuesday night marked a momentous milestone in black history on campus. A white boy comfortably integrated himself into the crowd at the Paul Robeson Black People Cultural Center. Collin O'Hennesey, a cracker, came to the meeting in search of soul.

"I love black culture. It is a proud history and full of wonderful people from a wide range of backgrounds,” Collin said at the meeting. When asked after the meeting, he told us that he felt welcome and warmly received.

O’Hennesey was invited by some of his acquaintances. Jaye Tiggs, an accounting major, met O’Hennesey in a few of their mutual black history classes. "I introduced myself to the cracker and invited him to play basketball. The kid couldn't play for shit, so I brought him to a party. He didn't know how to grind booty and he danced like Carlton Banks. That was when I knew everyone had to get a load of this crazy white boy." No further comment could be gained through Tigg's laughter.

With his friends' encouragement, O’Hennesey has also adopted a traditional black-sounding name: Jamal Lincoln O'Neal.

He said that he very much co nues to value his heritage and that for that reason, he would retain an Irish-sounding last name.

O’Hennesey says he would

love to one day be part of black family, though. Some of his favorite television programs were "The Cosby Show" and "My Wife and Kids". "The black family dynamic," elaborated the newly christened Jamal, "appears to be really fun, less dry than my family surely is."

Other attendees commented on the newcomer's presence.

Todley Haslow said, "It's nice to see that he's not acting as the media portrays black folk. This kid wears a belt and has no jewelry."

Vegina Tate pondered aloud, "He's sorta cute. I'd like to see my parents guess who's coming to dinner! He sort of resembles a pasty Poitier."

The Brothers of the TriKap fraternity are not supportive of his conversion. They labeled him a traitor to his race: a "bubble butt beater", an "afro ass advocate". Their penchant for triple-alliteration and assonance is astounding.

One pledge expressed hope for campus race relations.

“O’Hennesey is a pioneer for the white man—the white Jackie Robinson. When we bridge this gap, I will be much more comfortable around intimidating black guys.”

Tyler Perry is currently negotiating the movie rights.

When asked about this development, "Jamal" said that he has hopes that it will accurately represent him. Perry provided his own perspective, "This is my first project involving a white person. Ever."

Dangerously Low in Disappointment

BY RANDY BUTTERNUBS NEWS EDITOR

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ – Due to the frequent let-downs of the past year, Rutgers administrators report that the University is dangerously close to exhausting its resources of disappointment.

Despite increased allocations and new management, Rutgers was unable to control its disappointment spending, as students and alumni collectively used record high amounts of disappointment, discontent, and frustration towards their Alma Mater.

Of the past year, analysts have found that the Rutgers Football team is the cause of the largest amount of disappointment used by University affiliates.

Data shows that disappointment was used exponentially after the Scarlet Knights’ loss to Louisville last year and has continued to decline steadily during this current season. After being confronted with these

disheartening statistics, athletic director Julie Hermann released a statement to the press on Monday. “We’re trying everything we can, but nothing seems to be working. We switch Nova for Dodd and we still fuck up because our defense sits on the line picking their noses!” During the press conference, Hermann was seen using copious amounts of disappointment as she lamented the team’s loss of bowl eligibility.

Administrators are currently struggling to find resources that can help Rutgers cope with the increased use of disappointment. However, several factors are making this exceedingly difficult. The administration had hoped that the incoming Class of 2017 would help the shortage, but it is reported that the first-year students began using up disappointment shortly after being accepted into Rutgers, as many of them considered this their “safety school.”

NEWS IN PICTURES

Exploded Pen is Just Perfect Representation of Where Area Man's Life is at, Man

Send funny news articles to themedium.news@gmail.com.

Our meetings are Wednesdays at 8pm in the BCC, rm 120B. THE SCARLET R

...continued from front

most every student, alarmingly, said the red ‘R’ stood for New Jersey. Other popular answers included suicide, sluts, losing,

Editorial Staff Fall 2013

and administrative incompe- YUP, THIS WOULD HAPPEN TO ME tency, but these were omitted by U. Senior Les McGiles was less than surprised to find that his pen had Rutgers University officials due drooled all over his belonging s last night. Should have seen this to irrelevancy. coming.

Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot

Stewart Hallman Devin Baker

Yagnesh Patel Rob the Sun God

News Editors Michael Vincent Michael Lazaropoulos Features Editor Leif Tornberg Opinions Editor Eli Youssef Arts Editor Lisa Mathews Personals Editors Adam Romatowski Justin Lesko

Back Page Editor Sasha Romayev Copy Editors Lisa Mathews Lesly Kurian Secretary Krupa Patel Webmaster Sasha Romayev Faculty Advisor William Field Resident Douche Faulty Electricity

The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus.

This issue is dedicated to technical difficulties. WE SURVIVED.

ARTS

Wednesday, December 4th, 2013

the Medium

“Let’s go bar-trolling for free drinks.” “It’s Monday.”

Self-Deprecating Fly by Gurton Buster

Fratypus

by Adewale-Akinnuoye-Agbaje FRATYPUS GURTON BUSTER Sunday, SELF-DEPRECATING November 24, 2013 8:32 PM Monday, December 02, 2013 5:44 PM

BR0S - SOME SCHMUCK

December Page 1

Got geekier comics?

Prove it.

Submit: themedium. arts@gmail. com

FLY - ADEWALE AKINNUOYE-AGBAJE

SEXY ED - MICHAEL INTERRANTE OK boys, so basically sex feels like magic shooting from your penis, and for the girls...

If you’re not a white male, come make us more diverse tonight 8PM, BCC 120B. SANTA VS. MAFIA BOSS - HARJIT SAGOO

Hey, you’re not a teacher! Who are you?!?

November Page 1

I’m Just a guy.

A guy who loves sex.

the Medium

OP/ED

Wednesday, December 4th, 2013

“I can’t even do anything with those tits anymore.”

POINT/COUNTERPOINT

GOOD ADVICE DUCK

NO SON OF US BE STEREOTYPE

My Thanksgiving Was Awful

BY MIAO AND JIANG YING Our son Jason American. He big strong American boy.

Go to Rutgers. He no be Chinese stereotype. He no study math and science. He get liberal arts degree like American.

We typical American family. Son Jason want study math, want to be Engineer. Ying family great American Family.

We progressive parents. No force Jason to study math. No force son Jason to get A’s. Jason must study liberal art. We not stereotype Asian parents. Jason grow up strong American man with Comparative Religion degree.

He one day be great liberal artist in America history. Jason no work in lab. He not do paperwork. Jason work in drive First Transit Bus like regular American person. We not force labor to him. Good parents. Let Jason make choice to study arts.

Jason pride of this American family. He will no drive Honda Accord. Jason drive big American truck. Jason drive RAM truck.

BY A TURKEY

I hope you all enjoyed your holiday. Got to meet with your family, had a nice meal, a few laughs. Faaaaaaantastic.

I’m happy for you, I really am. I on the other hand, had a miserable holiday.

I was supposed to go to my parent’s house this year with my sister and brother in law, but the

BY JASON YING Actually, I don’t. I want to study actuarial sciences but morning I had to leave, you try explaining that to them. I know it’s typical for Asian my fucking car wouldn’t parents to force academia on their kids, but give me a fuck- start. I had to call the meing break. They know I’ve been interested in this stuff since chanic to come and fix it, the egg drop competition in Middle School. But every time and it ended up setting I bring it up they say “egg drop is Chinese soup. You need me back a few hours. By then the casserole I had American soup. You eat Campbell’s now.” Actuaries make bank, and I may be a prepared for the dinner kid now, but I know I’m setting myself up for a good future. I don’t know what had gone cold. kind of dumbass jobs I can get with a liberal arts degree but they sure as shit don’t And then, while make $56,000 a year straight out of college. My parents can’t get that through driving to my parent’s their fucking heads. Because I started Freshman year at age 17, they still had legal house, I get pulled over control over my registration. You know what classes I took that semester? Intro by the fucking cops. to Jewish Studies, Gen Psych, Art History I, Expos, and Topics in Basket Weav- FOR A TAIL LIGHT. ON ing. They made me take fucking TOPICS in Basket Weaving. Not even Analytical THANKSGIVING. He Basket Weaving. They don’t know what they’re talking about. Besides, Chrysler wrote me up on it as well. just recalled 1.2 million trucks. It doesn’t take a bitching Engineering degree to I mean, have a heart, guy, know the Accord is a better car anyway. Especially with gold rims, a fat exhaust it’s the holidays. You and a big wing. Ohhh yeah. don’t need to be a tight

BUT I ACTUALLY WANT TO STUDY MATH

IT’S A MITZVAH, BITCH!

Eight Blazey Nights

BY MOISHE DOOBIEVITZ

Hanukkah now has a new tradition, the Festival of Lighting Up. Every night for the past week, my boys Ari, Seth, and Josh toked with me. One more joint every night, totaling forty-four doobies. We blended up a special batch of Sephardic Shisha, Ghetto Ganja, and Sabra sticky-icky-icky: a concoction I call Heeb Herb. We also made Litkes, Jewish hash browns with emphasis on the hash.

Like many Jewish holidays, it warrants special paraphernalia. For this hybrid celebration of Mary Jane and Judaism, we employ a Hanhookiah with eight plus one hoses. Before we roll our scrolls and “get chai”, we always remember to bless our spliffs with a brucha before inhaling. Rabbi Greenburn would totally approve.

ass over it. That fucker held me up for ages.

But that’s not even the worst part. Eventually, in spite of everything that stood in my way, I reached my destination, only to find out that my entire family had been slaughtered and plucked nude, and that everyone I loved had been slain in the name of being used as food to feed some other families for their dinner. You can just imagine what that did for my mental state. I was devastated. Just devastated.

And-- wait, what? Did you just say I’m not in the will? They left everything to the state? WHAT THE FUUUUCK, How could they leave their only son out of their fucking will?

You know what, great.

I’m glad those old farts are dead. Good riddance, I never liked ‘em anyway.

UNIVERSITY VOICES

Did You Get Anything Cool On Black Friday?

“I got a TV, Xbox, and your wallet. All for free!”

Gregory Williams, Senior Kleptomaniac “I got 30 bruises and crushed sternum. ” Jillian Reinhart, Just wanted a new hard drive.

“That’s Fuckin’ Racist, Yo.” Dan Whiteman, PC Junior

“There was so much blood. Oh god, so many innocent people.”

“CHAI AS FUCK”

Steve Briars, Went to Walmart

Wednesday, December 4th, 2013

FEATURES

the Medium

“Whenever you get laid with someone from high school, there’s always an element of shame”

LIST

Next Religious Bus Driver

HOT STUFF

BY LEAFY GREENS FEATURES EDITOR IN CHIEF

1. Buddhist: Meditates at each stop, you’ll be relaxed but late to all of your classes.

Animalebrities

BY POKEMON LEAF GREEN I HAVE ANOTHER PEN NAME ;)

Shark Walberg

2. Old Jewish mother: “Did you do your homework? Do you have your meal card? It’s a bit chilly today put on a coat.”

Moose Springsteen

3. Jehovah witness: Everytime you get on the bus; “Have you heard the teachings of our Lord Jesus Christ?”

4. Mormon: They’re just creepily nice.

5. Satanist: Sacrifices a goat when they reach the student center.

6. Muslim: Traffic jams during the five prayers a day.

BEAUTIFUL

BY MISSION FIGS HELPER

There is a pile of leaves and it looks so inviting.

Oh to jump in would be great.

Adulthood and I are fighting.

But when I toss myself asunder I realize I did blunder I was blind with hate.

There was a hydrant it was hiding.

USELESS REVIEW

Useless Review

BY JUST THE TIP PERSONALS EDITOR

Soap

How about that soap? You can use it to clean yourself. Don’t believe me? I went a week without it and boy did I smell. Like seriously, it was gross. I just felt bad for the people around me. You can even jerk off with it. Indians, give it a try. Soap gets five out of five bubbles from this reviewer.

NEW RELEASE

FUNNY The story about Tom Daley should be under the bi-line

RANDOM LETTTERS SEARCH

Find 5 Words!

DFCHMCRACKERKAA XMYEDXSAAFYVISR IYSEHQAMBMSVDLG KHRRUZBILWBGXYW DRROGSMNETMSTLI OCBXYCXAROROADL RWGFFATAEBBDWIN YOYOUUUMYTWMOKR VFCGURHRFVSYYFI XRHKSSAJIEWZYGA INRNEVISFKSLWLP ZVDMQTQURWJDEOG VLKEOASNSXCMRSM TNZCZSXAKLGNODD OSTJYRXDCWPPPEM For the love of God please send me content!

No one has sent me content this semester, and it makes me cry myself to sleep every night.

Please help me to not cry each night and send me content. Themedium.features@gmail.com

Obtain my love by sending me content. If you come to a meeting I will exchange hugs for content. Tell all of your friends.

UGLY THING OF WEEK

CUTE THING OF WEEK

PERSONALS

the Medium TEA BAGS

“Hey Paul Walker, click it or ticket!”

HITS

To the cute Asian girl at kbg, I make a pretty good milk tea too if you ever want to try ;)

Did you know that at least 75 percent of bitches suffer from some kind of hearing loss. This alarming statistic means more (Really? Is this milk tea likely than not talking warm? Where can I get this isn’t the most effective milk tea? It sounds good.) way to communicate with a bitch. That’s when you have to hit her. You AT BAND CAMP tell her what you want I wouldn’t mind if the her to do and if she says ginger flute-player in the no you hit the bitch. Simband at the basketball ple. games played my skin flute a few times.

(No means yes and yes means anal.)

(I prefer the trombonist.

They have perfected the art MORNING WOOD of the rimjob. Plus, they are toned in all the right places To the hot blond girl in building C with the big for a reach around.) ass, can you bring that butt down the hall to PRIVATES my place? -The hot guy One reason why I hate down the hall going home is because all the fucks who pay (I would not mind butter$50,000 for college come ing that muffin either. Big, back and vent to you how round and with a hole in the hard college is, and that I middle is all you need. I’m must have it a lot easier talking about bagels, HA! here at Rutgers. No, go GOTCHA! But I would put suck a dick, I have the my penis inside both her ass and a bagel.) same workload you do.

(Yeah your cousin’s NYU experience involves a shit ton of debt, a few experiemental dicks in the ass, and suicidal thoughts for four years.)

DISGUSTING

BATHROOMS Don’t judge me for pulling my pants down when I pee. I can see your face in the mirror. sometimes, when no ones in the bathroom, i let the hand dryer blow down my pants.

To all females everywhere: please do not leave your period goop on the toilet seat. Girl, (Sometimes you just need to get your act together feel the wind blow through and wipe that shit away. your hair.)

C’mon son!

(Excuse me while I go throw up and change my sexual orientation.)

Everytime I get my period, I immediately remember why I should get my tubes tied.

Wednesday, December 4th, 2013

IT’S ALWAYS SUNNY

To Ruben Amaro Jr, Jump off a cliff and die.

(The world is right once again when Philadelphia sports suck.)

TEQUILA!

SOMETHING OF THE WEEK

I’m sorry for drinking all your roommates’ tequila last week. Not for you or her, but for me cause that was the worst hangover of my life.

Toilets, they’ve rightfully earned their place as the something of the week. Just think about the great things you can do on them: throw up in them, send selfies to your boys, even get a nice sweaty blumpkin. I feel bad for people in those countries that just squat over a hole instead of using a toilet.

Send in your best toilet stories and personals to: themedium.personals@gmail.com and tweeter at: @PersonalsRU.

(I’m sorry for the bad decisions you inevitably made.

Tequila makes my clothes fall off, on a playground, during kindergarten recess.)

HARLEM STRUGGLE What happened to the Harlem Shuffle?

(Luckily the Harlem Shuffle is done but the HarTIMBER lem Struggle is still going strong. Google it, you gon’ Going on Tinder with a learn today.) boner is like going to the grocery store while starvCOME TO OUR ing.

MEETING TONIGHT IF YOU DID THINGS YOU AREN’T PROUD OF WITH YOUR COUSIN ON THANKSGIVING 8:00 PM IN ROOM 120B AT THE BUSCH CAMPUS CENTER BANKJOB

You stupid fucking bitch.

You don’t work “in finance.” You’re a bank teller!!! An ATM literally does your job and doesn’t bitch nearly as much.

(Goldman Sachs picks bank tellers as CEO’s about as often as the Jets pick flag football players as quarterbacks.

Come to think of it, that’s not a bad idea Jets. Someone call up Rexy.)

GUESS THE BOOBS!!!!

(I’m pretty HUNGRY to play some GAMES with these breasts. May the oDDs forever be in your favor.)

DOGSGIVING

To my dog, How could you eat so much turkey and still be hungry? How are you always so hungry? You eat (Truer words have never the gross parts of the turbeen spoken. Before you key like the giblets. What know it, you’re getting ten is a giblet? I don’t know messages from girls push- but it’s going in the dog’s ing over 300 pounds, with dish. lazy eyes, or that are not (Things dogs will lick off biologically girls.) any part of your body: stuffOLD TIME RACISM ing, yams, marshmellows, mashed potatos, gravy, apIndians are the worst ple cider. Any part of your body. Any.) dancers.

(Are we talking about IndiMOTORPSYCHO ans dancing around a fire or Indians dancing around a To the guy wearing convenience store? Because a motorcycle helmet I agree with both.) around campus, you are so FUCKING cool! i am an alcoholic midget YEAAAAAAH! I want with a taste for spiked to be everything that you bubbletea. are and if I get any more sarcastic my balls are go(Translation: you’re Asian.) ing to fall off (Did you know he rides a motorcycle? Yeah, he toSometimes I remember tally rides a motorcycle. If that Gary Nova gets free you were wondering, that tuition for throwing in- helmet is for his motorcycle. terceptions and get an- His motorcycle that he rides, gry. Because I can do cause he has a motorcycle.) that too. Put me in Flood.

SLUTGERS Love, 5’6”, 120 lb, 20 year old girl.

When someone walks (Yes but your hair is not as into class with the phrase long and luscious as Chad “Twerk Team Captain” written on their arm, you Dodd’s ginger mane.) can immediately assume they are an interesting S.T.DIE FOR person.

There’s a girl I call ‘Gone,’ some people think its be- I could write novels cause she always walks about the Friday night away when she’s drunk. Rutgers drunk buses. I’d It’s really because it’s call it “The Spreading of Chylamidia and Acshort for ‘gonorrhea.’ cidental Pregnancies: A (Send me her number.) guide.”

GARY NO-FUN

PERSONALS

Wednesday, December 41h, 2013

the Medium

“SOMEONE GIVE ME A FUCKING SONG.”

MMMMMMMMMMMMM EHHHH EHHH EHHH From the office of Doctor Tossed Salad Ehh ohhh ehhh ohh yeah thats the spot. you like when I do that? do you! Huh, oh yeahh. Mmmmmmm thats it, suck that shit.

Yeah thats it. Oh you want it where. If you want it you gotta do that thing. Mhhmm there you go girl. You know how that gets me going. Yes yeah mmmm yeah thats it.

Don’t forget my balls girl. Thats it. Mhhmmm yeah ehh ehh ehh ehh uhh yeah fuck yeah. Okay now lick my asshole. I’m the doctor what do you...OH FUCK MY WIFE! Send personals too: themedium.personals@gmail.com and then follow us on Twitter @PersonalsRU RACCOONS

DAMN GIRL

Did anyone else see the fucking raccoon in front of college hall? It was either asleep or dead and I kinda hope it was dead. If it were to wake up imagine what it would do to the people walking by.

Omg it would be either really funny or would start mad shit.

To the fugly snake girl with the gray beanie and slit eyes, Why are you tryna hog up the whole stage? No one gives a fuck about you. Go back to the rain forest, where more snakes and Lizardos flourish.

(Who cares what happens to people on Douglass. I say get um raccoon fuck them up!.)

MEXICAN MAN The small mexican at the pizza place is very talanted. He feeds my mexican babies.

(Yeah yeah? Thats so fucking interesting. Ugh fuck this bullshit motherfucker bastard ass.)

NO CAKE Business Manager didn’t get us cake, not cool. (yeah...not cool.)

FUCK THIS FUCK

HIPSTER J(MOTHERFUCKER)

FAMILY TIME

To my uncle the orgo I think some random dumbass gorilla came in my professor, you haven’t apartment. spoken to us in nearly 10 I think it was a few weeks ago, I brought back some bananas years. We’re sorry and from the Dining Hall, there was a greenish unripe one and a beautifully we miss you. Love, your yellow banana ripened to perfection. I offered it to my apartment mates niece. because, why not. Help me eat some of the fruits before they go bad.

(Weird my stepdad is an orgo professor, and he has been my stepdad for about 10 years...)

NERDS

I left both bananas on the counter, both close to each other.

So on the same evening i brought them back, I’m gonna assume a

random retarded gorilla came in to my apartment, took one of them and ate it.

The stupid part was that the banana that it ate was the very unripe looking one,

while the ripe one was right beside it. What makes that gorilla more retarded was that it ate half of it and just left the rest there to rot. It was already rotting

halfway when i found it, fruit flies surrounding it. So this stupid gorilla just ate

it and left it there half eaten. Dumbshit.

To nerds, I’m assuming it’s a stupid gorilla because i don’t want to blame my apartment What is this steam you are all always talking mates for being the ones that did it, i refuse to believe that my apartment mates are this about? Sounds like a big stupid, obviously i didn’t do it, must be someone else. I’m just saving that mother fuckers gay shower you all play reputation for not being labeled as stupid in my mind. I am not going to embarrass them, so in. Damn. I’m out of I am metaphorically using a dumbass gorilla as the culprit.

I mean, who can be THIS stupid? You have just wasted a potentially delicious banana. It is touch with ya’ll and your obviously not ripe, why would you be so dumb enough to open it when a ripe one is right beside it? Do nerdy nerdiness.

(yeah whatever shut the fuck up asshole. Whats this even mean? Wheres the funny part? You expect me to make it funny huh! Oh fuck me I hate this fucking shit I can’t take it anymore I’m going to explode.)

DEAR SEXY MEDIUM Dear Medium Staff, Raticate is an OG, go to hell.

you have any common sense at all, dumb cunt? It will obviously taste like a stale piece of cardboard when u eat it. At least throw it away, the garbage can is like right beside the counter, stupid little shit, lazy too.

Save yourself for letting me know how stupid you are but you failed and now i know that you lack the least amount common sense. If this gorilla was a Bio related major... It will be a disgrace to the field and deserve a good whacking. I would throw it back to grade school. Wait... you can’t learn common sense in grade school. I think it will be better off dead. Get rid of the dumb fucks in the human population.

What do you even do with an unripe banana? huh? I know it’s not com-

Shove it up your ass ass muscles, ass muscles shove it up your peehole? pletely soft when it’s not ripe, so what did you do with it?

and then you contract your

crushing the banana and thus breaking it in half? Then you fur-

to create a mushy (OH YOU CAN TAKE ther contract and relax your RATICATE AND BLOW HIM OUT YOUR LOSE banana texture in your anus? Do you have that fetish? Why not (Snakes lay eggs right? Too ASSHOLE . YEAH.) And then you leave bad they can’t fuck, I’d love Ever since I began read- the rest of the banana on the counter to rot with bit of your excretion sticking to the banana? Damn, you to watch snakes fuck. Bet ing The Medium, I’ve they would get crazy...oh found I have a lot of racist sick little piece of shit... Stupid, dumb, ungrateful, inconsiderate and yeah.) thoughts. Thank you for for unripe bananas and cardboard boxes. helping me get to know SOME ASS (The bold parts are the shit thats most important, and the myself. only parts I read.)

I miss the butt toucher.

(Your welcome. but who said we were racist...cause HIPSTER CUM OH YES (Lonely arent you. Talk to were not.) the news editors. And excuse me but it was the butt I have found a wonder- To this Hipster J guy, yo i love babies they are so grabber, I worked hard for ful experience in shit- why are your personals cute when they laugh it ting with the lights out. so long? If you’re that makes me so aroused... that nickname.)

It relaxes my pupils and bored you could do my like now...

I honestly wonder what sphincter. For an immer- essays for me. my mom thinks I do at siv experience, I’d recom- (Go jerk off how bout that.) (Omg I am so aroused. Could I be anymore aroused?) school. mend listening to music with headphones dur(Lots of studying while ing excertion. Feel free to getting fucked on the third switch on the lights when floor of Alex. By the win- you’re done. Or don’t.

REAL CATCHING FIRE QUOTES dow of coarse.)

horny

How do professors tell when Asains fall asleep in their classes?

(Sounds like you really put some thought into this.)

BASTARD

(When they try to fuck their mouths, they dont open, so i make fun of the guy at they have to try to pry them subway because he has to open and by then the frat make me fucking sandbro on reddit next to them wiches notices and gets scared and (Oh you bastard.)

(If she wants your penis screams so loud that the then you let her take it you chick next to him thinks he I secretly love when peoungrateful fuck. Mostly if is a pussy and doesn’t fuck- ple fall asleep pn buses, shes asian, mmmm asians.) him for a week.) wake up and realize they missed their stops.

Fuck you if you’re gonna take something from me, hold it in my face, and then ask if you can have it.

Medium meeting room 120B, in the BCC at 8pm. Cum

(Oh you bastard.)

“But I don’t want him to eat my pussy.”

THE BACK PAGE “Did YOU get laid this weekend?”

Caption Contest!

Student of the Week

By: Supa Krupa Trupa | Secretary Aaaand we’re back. Should you be studying for finals? Maybe. Are you? Of course not. You’re too busy Interview with Mr. Zain Haq submitting your caption for this week’s caption conMajor test. themedium.backpage@gmail.com- hit us up!

(Asshole) Political Science/Philosophy (see above)

What’s Shakin’

Tonight 8pm @BCC rm120B Extreme Medium Meeting Deadly discussions. Precarious proposals. Alarming articles. Failed alliteration. How can you miss it?

Today 12:30pm @College Ave, SAC Cider & Donut Tents What more can I say?

December 5th 6:00pm, @BCC, OCSA Lounge, Rm 171 OSCA Ugly Sweater Party Lets be honest- any sweater you own will do.

Wednesday, December 4th, 2013

Future Goals You, honey. Also going to law school(?)

I mean I got the lowest score possible on my LSAT so maybe I’ll go to county law school(!!!) and being a generally good person (??)

Odd Quirk Frequent constipation

It’s My Birthday, I Can Do Whatever I Want

Plans for summer I had some but Devco took them; my plans are now becoming part of the bathroom for that obnoxious new building going up on Seminary.

What color of socks do you prefer?

Whatever color you prefer taking off.

WANT TO BE FAMOUS??

Submit shit. themedium.backpage@gmail.com

Boxers or briefs?

Whatever tickles my fancy that day. (Get it?

“Tickles my fancy?”)

What’s your favorite way of robbing underclassmen of their dignity?

I don’t need to try.

What’s your favorite holiday?

Halloween does it for me. As a side note, I just wanna holla at the women who don’t let the terribly cold weather stop them from flaunting their lack of self-dignity. I see you, sexy bunnies on Robinson Street; Godspeed.

Where would you like your Passion Pit? Somewhere in sub-Saharan Africa, so no one cares enough to report the child labor violations I’m gonna commit. I mean...I love Passion Pit! Great band. Totally not a diamond mine that I want to work with young children and the mentally disabled.

BK’s Picks & Snuggie’s Picks BK

The 3 Hardest Majors At Rutgers

Biomedical Engineering: Engineering is crazy enough on its own, but this major is even more credit intensive. If you want to pursue it, get ready for Orgo and those killer labs that give you a single measly credit.

Pharmacy: Orgo makes a triumphant return in this major as well. Did you really think you’d only be in college for 4 years?! Hah! Astrophysics: Credit intensive and forces you to take some of the most difficult classes Rutgers has to offer. BUT this major could be achieved in 4 years without taking too many bullshit labs.

Snuggie

Psychology: By far the most competitive major, with the sheer amount of people in it. It even has “psycho” in its name, so you know it’s not fucking around.

Communications: All your classes close out instantly because they’re all GPA boosters. How are you supposed to finish this major if you can’t even sign up for the required classes??

Philosophy: It’s very difficult to take classes that will guarantee you being unemployed for the rest of your life.

Hobbies Playing soccer, DJing, tal...wait. Long walks on the beach, candlelit dinners, deep/soulful conversations