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november 1st, 2017
Volume LIV Issue VIII 50¢ HALLOW WEENIE
2 0 1 7 p r ov e s to b e a knockout year for the b e d s h e e t i n d u s t ry
QUICKIES
FBI Arrested Wrong Person. Meant To Arrest Paula Woman NEW YORK— Halloween is over, and the post-seasonal hangover afort is in full swing. Kids are coming off their sugar induced mania, the slutty cats are slowly Pat Hobbs waking up at 2:00 P.M. from Still their vomit filled puddles on the sidewalk, and everyone cringes Drinking at the memory of their stupid costumes they actually wore Beer and outside. Amidst this chaos that Crushing unfurls every first of November, one industry has slipped Pussy under the radar, and has found themselves in a pretty good place this quarter. That’s right, Crime Bedsheets Inc. has just had their Spooky success Alert biggest influx of revenue ever, Figure 1. Local ghost celebrating the unexpected which is already taking place in rise in bedsheet sales Continued on Page 2 Victims their most successful year of all Club EAT ME To Host MEALS ON HEELS: SEXY NEW DAT- First Ever Meeting on ING SERVICE GATHERS ELDERLY FAN- Hamilton Street BASE How To: Farting on An CALIFORNIA — This past week has been an absolute Elevator hit for software development company Schmapple.co as Etiquette they just released their brilliant adult dating app “Meals on Heels” onto appstores over the Trump weekend and already reached well over 5 million downloads, Says an absolute record breaker. Kneeling Surprisingly enough, It turns out the major demographic of NFL its users tend to be both males and females over the age of 75 Players instead of the suspected prime dad age of 38-55. Apparently Continued on Page 2 Killed JFK Steve Scarington spooky savant
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