THE HE T
MEDIUM EDIUM
Wednesday November 13th, 2002
The Entertainment Weekly Of Sexy and Cool
Volume XXXIV, Issue Number 10
“Welcome to Baghdad, West Virginia - Population: Mixed.”
Wednesday, November 13th 2002
Iraq Relocates! Why Saddam Hussein defied geography in his desperate last minute gambit to save Iraq...and the world.
When notified that Baghdad, Iraq was now Baghdad, West Virginia Governor Bob Wise noted that “those sand niggers have been planning this for some time, they’re after me lucky charms!” (Quote / Photo: Courtesy of Associated Press)
President George W. Bush traced the outline around this CIA map of Iraq in crayon to prove he did, in fact, know “where Iraq oughts to be .”
Lansing, Michigan - Bill Pulver, owner of Bill’s Pulverization and Towing was hitching a Jeep Liberty to the back of his truck when a man came running up to him screaming profanities. “I was ready to punch him in the mouth, once I get a car up on the straps, its going to my impound lot, I don’t care what kind of Jeep it is!” Mr. Pulver, assuming it was the angry owner of the vehicle, braced himself for a fight. However, the approaching man wasn’t pointing at the Jeep Liberty, he was pointing at the forty foot Mosque sitting in the middle of the baseball diamond. “What in un-American [expletive] is that?” Mr. Pulver recalls he wondered while reaching into his glove compartment for his Colt .45 service pistol. After emptying his clip into the front door of the mysterious building, Mr. Pulver and Tod Williams drove to the police. The police agreed that the best course of action was to fill the Jeep Liberty with explosives and detonate it in front of the Mosque. With the Mosque, and the Jeep Liberty, destroyed all that remained were the questions. Word quickly spread, all the way to the White House. On Sunday afternoon, during halftime, President Bush announced at a hastily prepared Rose-Garden press conference that Iraq had mobilized itself, gotten all 437,072 square kilometers of desert and rock airborne and set itself down on top of the Appalachian Mountains. “This is a very dastardly thing to do for Mr. Saddam, he knows how much we love our natural resources, like mountains, trees and wildlife, and thinks he can defeat us by covering them with sand. Mr. Saddam should know that our vastly unmolested natural resources represent freedom, and we will defend that freedom.” It was not readily apparent if the President has, of late, developed a knack for irony. The White House immediately mobilized the National Guard, who are currently shoveling billions of tons of sand onto transport ships bound for the Persian Gulf. President Bush hoped to have Indianapolis and Pittsburgh at least partially unburied by early next year, furthermore he vowed not to rest until Iraq was once again “you know, where Iraq oughts to be.” In perhaps the most surprisingly twist to this story, Saddam Hussein made a rare appearance on the WB network (after Dawson’s Creek) to make an appeal to American sympathies. “I realized that if I stay in the Middle East, your President will try to have big war, to prove he is a big man, but buddy, I just want to chill out, relaxing, you know? I don’t want the world to get Bushwacked,” Saddam paused here to chuckle, “because of me! But, then again, I cannot just leave my loving slaves, er...democratic constituents in desert with no great leader! So I have Kurds all slaughtered by death squads while UN not looking, and bring rest of Iraq on vacation with me! No more war! Time to party! Rock the Kasbah buddy!” Confident the world is safe from feeling like it has to do something about him, a jubilant Saddam Hussein continues to rule his loving subjects from Baghdad, which is now in West Virginia. As of now, international conflicts have been at a minimum. Several dozen casualties have been reported, as Iraq citizens have been known to choke on the sweet, sweet air of freedom (My apologies to Parker & Stone - Ed.) and die horribly. Choke on the sweet air of self righteousness. Medium Meeting @ 9:30 pm in front of LSC.
(Photo: Courtesy White House)
Page Page Page Page Page Page
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Baghdad An Najat Karbala Al Kut Karkuk Mosul
Page 8 Page 9 Page 10 Page 11 Page 12
Cover by: Ryan Beckman
Arbil Rock! Kasbah! Iraq? What’s Shaking?
THE
MEDIUM
CONTENTS
Circumsize or die. Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Opinions Editor News Editor GMG Editor Arts Editor Faculty Advisor
Martin Babitz Ryan Beckman Stan-da-Man 100B-Fly Carol Hu Ryan Beckman Aija McKenzie Jeff Buechner
Personals Editors Photography Editor What’s Shakin’ Editor Online Editor Advertising Manager Staff Artist Senior Editor
Lt. Major Stain Liz Finelli Amy Groark Michael Wyzard 3/5th of Stanley Carol Hu Amy Groark
THE MEDIUM is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and are not necessarily shared by THE MEDIUM. Submission and business deadline is Sunday at 12:00 pm. THE MEDIUM is located in the SAC Cubicle N. All correspondence may be addressed to THE MEDIUM SAC Box 78, New Brunswick, N.J. 08903 or emailed to prometus@hotmail.com. Last week this very page was missing a certain letter. Well, I found it. “T”
Wednesday, November 13th 2002
“Sorry Ben... we needed the money.”
He-Man is a Nazi. And a cat, too.
He-Man put sulfuric acid in my Grandmother’s denture cleaner. He also urinated into my fuel pump, causing nearly nine hundred dollars in damage. Just the other day, he punched me in the face and told me it was time to “start the feud”. He is the worst person I have ever met in my entire life, without question, or doubt.
Oppressed Bitch is In! Al-Ilihallah-alalallmalalililllal-illah ibn Mo Riyadh (Rooters)
Even Lesbians don’t like Bush I was walking through Boston’s Capitol Hill yesterday, when I came across a female protestor holding a sign that contained the phrase this article is so named after. She held that sign high like a proud dyke, not that there is anything wrong with that. And right then and there I had an epiphany, Bush has replaced New Jersey as the armpit of America. It used to be that presidents would at least look and act like trustworthy politicians, but that in itself is a contradiction. I have no doubt George “Dubbaya” is full of shit, so was Clinton, but at least Clinton was honest. “Hey look at me! I’m full of so much shit, but I’m honest.” That in a nutshell was Clinton’s campaign coordinator’s greatest achievement. But this isn’t about Bill Clinton. This is about the man we should find peeling potatoes while picking his nose with the peeler at a corner sore in El Paso that answers to Hoss. George W. Bush has sent this country into a kamikaze nose dive and left no hopes of leveling out. He gives reinforced meaning to the saying: “Say something enough times, and people will believe it.” So who is at fault here? Bush or the people who support his totalitarian “republic?” I still cannot believe congress gave this six gun shooting, slack jawed yahoo the ability to declare war, and apparently I’m not alone as I saw gays feel the same way. Good for them; bitching about something other than samesex marriages. So what’s next once Bus is done with Iraq? Is he going to pursue his never ending war with annunciation? After all is said and done just remember the one mark Bush will leave on our beloved country, and this is to be afraid. Only through fear is the government going to be able to pass bills that allow it to fight terrorism, and just about anything else, effectively. So remember, be afraid. It’s for the good of the country. -Justin Viglianti Underground Boston
A
l-Rahmeen, head of the Fashion Institute of Riyadh, announced his new line of winter clothing on the steps of the Fashion Institute of Riyadh. Al Rahmeen, a flaming homosexual pedophile, said “Oppressed bitch is in.” He further added “What has infuenced me as a clothing designer has been the prophet’s (PBUH) life. He had the wisdom to see that the women of this land were in decline as to their beauty and had them veiled immediately as to prevent further distress among men.” Critics have given Al-Rahmeen rave reviews. “His [Al-Rahmeen] use of black is amazing.” said Mir Aimael Kannsi. “Al-Rahmeen use of flowing fabrics has the Arabian Peninsula extremely excited.” A male passerby mentioned “I’m so impressed with Al-Rahmeen’s work, I think I will strap a bomb on and walk into an Israeli day care center. Allah hu Akbar!” But not all are as excited. “The hijab resembles too much like an american ski mask and the abaya resembles more like a straight jacket, it is very difficult to move in it.” said a Saudi woman who did not wish to be named due to the fear of the Commission for Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice. “It’s like a burqa with a straight jacket inside, how am I supposed to do wudu (ritual cleansing) and answer the call to prayer if I can’t use my arms?” Commission for Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice when questioned about the restriction of mobility had this to say “The women of Saudi Arabia are free to wear what they wish as long they realise that we reserve the freedom to beat them in public and arrest them for noncompliance. You see the Muslim woman have many freedoms here in Saudi Arabia unlike the Great Satan of the West in which all women are purely sex objects and have no rights.” The prince, as usual, was not available for comment. Al-Rahmeen does volunteer work at the Boys Islamic Youth Organization in Medina when not designing clothing. His mouth can be found wrapped around some boys cock.
The Medium Food Drive is Coming. Azerbaijn?
No, seriously. Where the fuck is that? You know who else loves oppressed bitches? Do you? Santa Claus of course!
Look for a collection box in the Student Activity Center by the River Dorms and read The Medium for updates.
Oppression is so god damned sexy!
Meet Santa in from of the Livingston Student Center @ 9:30 on Wednesday, and he’ll lead you to his secret panty lair.
“it should be, life sucks and then you live.” -anna nicole smith
Wednesday, November 13, 2002
Question Time w/ The Writer’s Block
NRA Announces Bold New Marketing Campaign: "Girls With Guns" BY "PINK EYED" JIM CORTINA STAFF WRITER
With the recent takeover of the federal government by republicans, the NRA anticipates that membership will be a social grace for years to come. However, there are still problems associated with grabbing the coveted 18-30 year old male demographic. The NRA has tried many marketing strategies in the past, to no avail. Last week, their marketing director, Robert Dingle, was overcome with a fit of inspiration after repeating the mantra "Sex Sells" for an hour straight. He then came up with the idea for "Girls with Guns," a campaign combining pornography with gun propaganda. Some examples follow.
submit news articles to carolhu@eden.rutgers.edu. ~*remember to spell check!*~ include your name or a pseudonym you would like to use instead, or else i’ll just put in your real name and make you the laughingstock of rutgers, because who would want to associate themselves with this magazine?
Black Men Know How To Mack It By Count NonBlackula STAFF WRITER
Ever since the dawn of civilization sex has been a major influence on society. You can see examples of sexuality being used in art, on television, in books, and in the Catholic Church. For as long as we know it, western society has put pressure on the man to court the woman, and of course, fuck her well. And, for as long as we know it, the black man has been supreme at doing this. Black men have bigger penises - everyone knows that. What everyone may not know, however, is that black men can mack it far better than any white man. Maybe it’s because they’re pissed off all the time, maybe it’s because everyone knows they have those enormous ebony members. Perhaps its because they do nothing, and collect the white man’s hard worked for tax money through welfare, and spend it on rap albums, clothing that can’t stay up, big platinum jewelry, Johnny Cochran, and whatever shit it is that makes you black nowadays. Whatever the reason for them being so good at stealing our women may be they do it. And I’m tired of seeing good women first reamed by those humongous black cocks, and then left to have their babies in some alley as black men refuse to pay for the abortion. This, of course, fuels many more chocolate lovers to exist – to steal our fine vanilla women. In conclusion, I call upon all of us pasty white boys to end this, and bring back slavery. Aww, who am I kidding? Black people are big… and scary. And they’ve usually got guns and are sniping people or something. I give up.
by the writer’s block, STAFF WRITER Hey guys, a lot of you fellow students have been mailing me questions and I just wanna take this time to answer some of your questions with my most sincere answers. I hope that some of these answers will help out not just the ones who asked the questions but others as well. Dear Writer.s Block, The bus drivers at Rutgers are horrible, just the other day I was at the SAC waiting to go to Busch. I saw three L buses come at once, and I had to wait like 30 minutes for an H. This is really starting to get me mad, I have called the bus number to place a complain, but nothing has come of it. What can we do to get these drivers in to shape; I really can’t afford to be late for my classes any longer. Near the End of His Rope, Seymour Butts Dear Mr. Butts, I just want to let you know that a lot of people mistaken all the bus drivers to be terrible due to a select few drivers who are actually bad. There are bad bus drivers I will agree, but those are just the black bus drivers. Let.s not blame the white bus drivers who actually do a wonderful job and who always seem to get blamed although they have excellent driving skills. The black drivers on the other hand are a problem; they are terrible. My solution to this problem would be to do what our grandparents did. You see, there use to be this thing called lynching, and many a Negroes were terrified of this. I say we lynch a couple of darkies and let those bus-driving maniacs know that we mean business. Dear Writer.s Block, I am 19 years old and a sophomore. I have recently gotten pregnant by my boyfriend of a year and a half. I am so scared; I really don.t want to have this baby. My boyfriend says that he will take care of me and the baby or that he would pay for the operation to get rid of it; the decision is really up to me. He has been really supportive like everyone else, but I just don.t know what to do. I don.t want this baby to ruin my life, I’m young and I have a great future a head of me. But on the other hand, I don.t want to kill a baby, let alone my own child. I am asking you for advice, because I don.t want a bias answer like the ones that I have been getting from everyone else. Please, what should I do? Lost, Jenny Stomboli Dear Stomboli, you.re right, getting pregnant is a tough situation for a girl. Dear Writer.s Block, You didn.t answer my question. Lost, Jenny Stomboli Oh right, ummmmm. Dear Stomboli, I say abort it. If you.re going to have premarital sex you obviously do not have good morals, so I highly doubt that killing a baby means anything to you. And what.s this about your boyfriend paying for the abortion? I say he has probably been through enough as it is with you being a slut, save him a few bucks by not getting the operation. All you really need is some Vaseline, some tissue, and a cloths hanger. That.s about all I can handle, I hope we all learned something today. If you guys have any questions please email them to me at drucs@eden.rutgers.edu
Wednesday, November 13th, 2002
“Asian rage and Black rage cannot be compared.”
Why Nelly Wears That Retarded Fucking Band-Aid On His Face All The Time
FOOD DRIVE! drop off nonperishable food items in boxes we’ll have set up around campus. help the hungry!
by the volcano worshipper STAFF MILTON
If you have eyes and/or ears, you know whom the fuck Nelly is. The fucker’s more ubiquitous than bacteria! So obviously you’ve noticed that he wears a fucking Band-Aid on his face all the time. What the fuck is that shit? Is he just stupid, or is he trying to start a really lame fashion trend or something? I did some research and found out. It isn’t anything obvious, like, for example, maybe he got in a fight and got his face bashed up cause he’s a dumb pussy who can’t fight for shit, or maybe he was trying to drink a 40 and he was so stupid that the bottle hit his cheekbone instead of reaching his mouth.
JANITOR DROWNS , N OBODY CARES by tom “bert steed” jennings STAFF WRITER
No, the reason why Nelly wears a stupid fucking Band-Aid on his ugly ass face has to do with some stuffy 50 year old Jewish executive of some rich major label who discovered the kid dancing for chicken on a street corner in St. Louis a few years ago, and decided he looked ripe enough to turn into a platinum rapper. Yeah, you read Aija’s article last week. It’s all fucking true!!! Don’t deny it for a second!!! So anyway, this guy gave Nelly a lobotomy and removed almost all of his brain and only left enough so that he’d only remember nursery rhymes and playground chants that he’d heard when he was in kindergarten, so that he’d produce the absolute lowest common denominator music ever made. Obviously, even with a brain as elementary as his, he could still sport trendy-ass name brand designer clothes and spew basic retarded rhymes like any other zombie. The formula was complete, so the idiot was released onto the world, and he’s sold more records than Creed, so obviously it’s worked. But why does he wear the Band-Aid on his face? Cause he’s too fucking stupid to know where to cover the lobotomy scar, so he just stuck it randomly on his cheek, unaware that his doo rag is covering it anyway. Oh, and also, he’s hooked on more heroin than you’ll ever see, so don’t be surprised if he drops dead soon. He won’t go away, though, his label will just Tupac the shit out of his music?
RUTGERS SUFFERS “BYE
WEEK”
LOSS
by nacho ordinary guy STAFF WRITER
Even during the "bye week" Rutgers found a way to lose. The football team, who played host to a local peewee squad, couldn't hold on to the 2-0 lead they enjoyed through out the first half. The 12 year old QB for the Little Titans, Joey Bale, picked apart the Knights secondary in the second half, leading the Little Titans to a 31-2 victory over Rutgers. The Little Titans were invited to the football teams practice as a treat for attending all the teams home games. The impromptu game broke out when middle linebacker, 10 year old Bobby Sipperstein, called Rutgers QB Ryan Cubit a "pussy". In his quest to defend his honor, Cubit went 5 for 20, for 91 yards, 3 INT’s, and he was also sacked four times, twice by Bobby Sipperstein. Rutgers only score cam in the first quarter when little Joey Bale dropped back to pass in his own end zone and was sacked by a 300 lb. member of the Rutgers defensive line. However, 90 lb. Joey Bale go the last laugh going 20 for 24, for 253 yards, and 3 TDs. Bale was later voted MVP of the game. When asked to comment on his teams poor performance Coach Schiano said, “It's time”. When asked to elaborate on what exactly “it's time” to do, the coach replied, “to cry”. Rutgers has planned a scrimmage with randomly colliding particles later this week. Though only a scrimmage, they hope to avenge the 35-0 shut out they suffered to the randomly colliding particles last season.
Slimy Shit Hole, NJ-- University Janitor Richard Shaft, a.k.a. “Big Bad Dick,” a.k.a. “Big Rich the Rear-Admiral, a.k.a. “General Shaft” drowned in a toilet yesterday, during daily cleaning hours. He was found with a hard on, ‘the size of a baby’s arm,’ kneeling in front of the toilet. Richard was first discovered by Habib Netropotaitlatianmanopel during Habib’s “Happy Time.” When asked about his initial reaction, Habib responded, “Oh my goodness! The stomach is the hurting after the laughter that was produced!” A few days after the decomposition of the body, the Rutgers Police Department felt that it was time to begin the investigation of the death of Mr. Shaft. Rutgers P.O. Bill Rogers said, “The police just had to finish up ‘standing around doing nothing’ at some anti-war protests on campus.” After asking if he could make a comment off the record, P.O. Rogers commented, “I just want a reason to shoot one of them there Palestinians!” Ironically, the song “Dueling Banjos” was playing during the entire interview. At the conclusion of the interview P.O. Rogers drove off in his 1988 Ford Pickup that comes standard with three bales of hay. Fellow custodian Johnny Sanchez was one of the other custodians on duty and was asked to comment on the death of the “Rear-Admiral.” Johnny responded with, “The only things that I heard that guy say was ‘I is speakin ubonics not inlish!’.” After being asked about a replacement, Rutgers Housing Director laughed heartily and responded “We will probably just head down to the corner of C-Town tomorrow. We may have to make some changes by adding a couple of more food stamps to our current benefit package.” This benefit package also includes full rights to abuse students, the ability to set up audio video equipment in respective boys and girls bathrooms, and the right to not clean the bathrooms if they don't feel like it. This benefits package is coupled with the annual events, “Steal the Student's Towels While They Are Showering Day” and “Break Into Student's Rooms and Stare At Them While They are Sleeping Day.” Dick Shaft is survived by his wife Latansa, sister Yolanda, and his brother's wife's baby sister's momma Shamiqua. Funerary services will be held tomorrow outside of Kentucky Fried Chicken in Downtown New Brunswick.
COME HAVE THE POWER PUFF GIRLS HAVE A LICK AT YOUR LOLLIPOP
@ LIVINGSTON STUDENT CENTER 9:30PM
“Shouldn’t it be cave-woman hookers?”
Wednesday, November 13th, 2002
Wednesday, November 13th, 2002
“Don’t have sex with your dad... unless he’s hot.”
www.themedium.net
A Diamond Among Pigs By: A Wasted Mind President Bush or “Dubya”, as he is affectionately known to his fans across the world has outdone himself again. During a recent outing coyly named “The President reaches out to inner city wretches” he has unveiled his latest invention, a phenomenal new way of reading that he has devised all by himself. Apparently our great leader (and my personal hero) has been working on this top-secret project for years in his Super Duper Most Secretest Lair. As you can tell from the photo above, he has broken all intellectual boundaries and laws of physics by teaching himself how to read not only backwards, but upside down. This may be the greatest contribution he has ever made to his country. However, when he tried to unveil his invention to the world, starting with all those present at this meeting, his own staff turned against him. As soon as the army found out about this development, they immediately patented the technique and proceeded to shoot everyone at the conference for fear that they will leak out this skill to our enemies. Thankfully, all the children at this conference were of black or hispanic origin, so their untimely demise was a blessing to all. The technique, now dubbed “SWV” (Swift Way to Victory, a rather zen name, not to be confused with the popular R&B group Sisters With Voices) will now be an integral part of training for all Navy Seals, SS, and International Men of Mystery in this country. In an interview conducted while this brave reporter was dodging bullets and being chased by government Doberman Pinchers, I have managed to get this statement out of an anonymous individual in Ray Bans who identified himself as an MIB, whatever that may be: “This is the most awesome advancement we have had in spy tactics since the fake beard. From now on, none of those filthy foreigners are safe from our righteous fist of rage. This now makes it possible for us to read all those secret coded documents that those pinko commie bastards write upside down to confuse us.” Perhaps from a sudden stroke of genius, perhaps from a relapse into the acid trip I was recovering from I asked, “What if you just turn the documents upside down, sir? I quickly realized my folly because the man began to shout “Interloper! Kill the Interloper!” and proceeded to stab me with a sickle. Thinking swiftly as always, I remembered what to do in those situations so utilizing all my reporter training I threw my photographer at them and they proceeded to crucify him on a cross made out of fresh corn while chanting something about “He who walks behind the rows”. Thankfully, I have saved his camera, courtesy of which you now have an exclusive look at our president first-handedly demonstrating the groundbreaking technique. As Dubya was being whisked away in his government modified Mini-Cooper, I managed to catch up with him and ask him how he invented something so unheard of. He looked at me, no; through me- into the embers of the funeral pyre that the infamous conference has been turned into, and said simply “Poop” (which of course is “Poop” backwards). And like that, he was gone. I do not know what he meant, but I do not doubt the genius of a man who can run a 4 minute mile and flawlessly execute a Jturn in a Z-28 Camaro, not to mention swiftly tie a maraschino cherry stem into a knot with nothing but his tongue. Perhaps he wanted to lament the sad state of a society that is not ready for his invention. The ignorant officials who have turned an idea of peace into a machine of war and destruction. Truly a comment on the times. Bathed in the glow of the dying fire, bathed in the blood of the slaughtered ghetto children, bathed in my own blood from that sickle wound, but mostly in sorrow, I retire to drown my pain in whiskey. But this god among men is somewhere nursing his latest invention, in the hopes that someday we can all live in peace with those Iraquistanians from Iraquistan, and the EDIT from Nigeria, and together, we will all share in the joy of knowing that he is always watching over us.
Send stuff to RyanBeck@eden.rutgers.edu or CuteBoyAss@hotmail.com
“So you stick the first two fingers in my pussy and the third into my asshole.”
Send stuff to RyanBeck@eden.rutgers.edu or CuteBoyAss@hotmail.com Who the Hell is Chad Moskowitz? By Karl Spensen In the spring of 1982, in a courtroom in Los Angeles, California, a young Columbia law school graduate named Chad Moskowitz argued his first case before a judge and jury. His client was Sammy Haggar, the future rock n’ roll front man who was then struggling with a solo career. By the end of the day the entire courtroom was in tears and Mr. Haggar had been cleared of 27 counts of shoplifting. The “not guilty” verdict marked the beginning of two careers – one that would eventually destroy Van Halen, and another that would change the face of the entertainment industry forever. Chad Moskowitz was, arguably, the first true celebrity lawyer. His clients were the crème de la crème of the 1980’s entertainment scene, ranging from new wave rockers Flock of Seagulls to Alex Karras, who played George Papadapolis on the sitcom “Webster”. Not only did he represent stars from the worlds of television, film, and music, but more often that not he got them off scott free. In fact, Moskowitz’s only recorded guilty verdict came in the trial of Skip Nelson. Nelson, who along with his twin brother Gunnar topped the charts with “After the Rain” and “More than Ever” in the early 90’s, was found guilty of murder after mercilessly gunning down a group of fans outside a concert in 1990. The psychotic Nelson was sentenced to thirty-five consecutive life sentences and was locked away, presumably never to be seen again. By 1992, Chad Moskowitz had truly reached the height of his career. His frequent appearances on Entertainment Tonight, The Oprah Winfrey Show, and MTV’s “House of Style” made him a household name and his autobiography, “Moskowitz on Moskowitz”, sold millions of copies. He truly seemed to revel in the celebrity status that he had achieved, and many would argue that he was becoming more famous than some of the clients he defended. Moskowitz was on top of the world, and his upcoming trial defending pop star Amy Grant was to be the biggest victory yet for this legal superstar. Fate, however, had other plans in store. After an intense day of emotional testimony on the stand by Ms. Grant, the jury was wrapping up their deliberations. The entire nation waited anxiously for the verdict, hoping that the “Baby, Baby” singer would be exonerated of all charges and allowed to return to the studio to record more hits. Just as the jury was about to announce their decision, however, an enraged Skip Nelson burst into the courtroom and began firing shots. On national television, the former crooner shot and killed Colonel J.P. McGillicutty, Moskowitz’s mentor and surrogate father who had been watching the trial. The resulting shock left Chad shaken and traumatized, and would have a lasting effect on his legal career. Upon his release from a mental institution in 1994, Moskowitz tried to continue his career where he left off. Unfortunately, his psychological condition made it impossible for him to operate at the same level as he did prior to his mentor’s murder. He defended much smaller names, most notably David Leisure, the former “Mr. Isuzu” who played the wacky neighbor on the show “Empty Nest”, and got very few acquittals. Most of his cases were severely hurt when Moskowitz would remove clothing, imitate barnyard animals, or urinate into his briefcase during trials. He took to wearing a hat fashioned from aluminum foil to “keep the robots from reading [his] thoughts”, and claimed for a time that he was possessed by the spirit of former Family Feud host Richard Dawson. By the close of the century, Chad Moskowitz had all but faded into obscurity. His antics had made him the laughing stock of the legal community, and none of his former clients would return his phone calls. Moskowitz retreated to a condominium in New Brunswick, New Jersey, where he spent his time eating cereal, masturbating furiously, and preparing for his eventual comeback. His autobiography was now at the bottom of every bookstore’s bargain bin, and his name was an occasional punch line in late night TV monologues. Things were very dark for Chad Moskowitz. Then, in 2001, Chad finally decided to get back into the race. He offered to defend, pro bono, a man who had been accused of not curbing his dog. Although fighting the $80 municipal citation was something that would have been far beneath the Chad Moskowitz of the 1980’s, he now jumped at the chance to get back in the spotlight. He sent out press releases to all the major media and gathered a team of expert witnesses for the case. Moskowitz had decided that this would be his shining moment – his chance to redeem himself in front of millions of people. The defendant, Mr. Herman Polowski, a local accountant, was happy enough to be receiving the former icon’s services free of charge. The ensuing trial became the subject of a play entitled “The Unsinkable Chad Moskowitz”. After being performed all over the country to packed audiences, it was to be presented by the College Avenue Players in Moskowitz’s hometown of New Brunswick. An all-star cast was assembled, and it was rumored that Moskowitz himself would be in attendance on opening night. Then, the unthinkable happened – the College Avenue Players were unjustly accused of vandalizing school property and forbidden to use their theater. It appeared, for a moment, as if Chad Moskowitz’s story would not get to be told in the town in which he was born. Fortunately, at the last moment, the Cabaret Theatre decided to donate their space for the show’s premiere. The Douglass-based theater group, who had long been the crosstown rivals of the College Avenue Players, had decided to put their differences aside for the sake of honoring local legend Chad Moskowitz. “The show must go on”, as they say, and go on it will. Despite being kicked out of their facilities by the powers that be, the College Avenue Players have beaten the system in true Moskowitz fashion and will perform “The Unsinkable Chad Moskowitz” November 20th through the 23 rd at the Cabaret Theatre. The burning question still remains: Whatever happened to Chad Moskowitz? No one really knows the answer for sure, but one thing is certain – wherever he is, whatever he’s doing, he’s probably incredibly drunk. I mean seriously, that man enjoys his malt liquor. Dude, I’m telling you.
“The Snozberries taste like Snozberries...”
Movies You Should See: by Arts Super Troopers Starring the cast of Broken Lizard
“Sing it again, Rookie Beeyotch!” is one of my favorite lines in this movie, one that can be heard echoing from the RWRFC practice fields on Livingston. I picked this movie up from Blockbuster after hearing from my friends that it was awesome, and I have to say it’s funny as shit. This movie’s full of the “shenanigans” of a Highway patrol force that’s in danger of being shut down. They’ve gotta prove their worth to stay in business, outwit the local Spurbury Police department, and try not to get themselves fired in the process. Where else can you see police chugging syrup, smoking weed, and creating their own high speed chase scenes? Parental discretion is advised for scenes containing drug use and German nudity.
Kaho Naa...Pyaar Hai Starring Hrithik Roshan and Amisha Patel
Sure, reading subtitles sucks, but if you can’t understand Hindi, you’re gonna hafta in order to enjoy this movie. This movie, which I bought for $10, is a value at a length of almost 3 hours. It’s a typical silly Indian romance movie, full of action, suspense, drama, and tons of singing and dancing. When you feel bogged down by talks of Middle East relations and other general Armageddon-related themes, pop this movie in and relax. Everything’s happy, everyone’s pretty, and of course, everything works out in the end. The musical scenes are my favorite parts, though. it never fails to amuse me how a lone singing girl can trigger the dancing outburst of 30 of her friends, and get this - they ALL know the exact same dance! Plus, the leading guy is hot, if you can get past his cheesy “so-5-years-ago” label-whore style. This movie’s for all ages, cause I don’t think they ever really kiss.
Welcome to the Dollhouse Starring Heather Matarazzo
This is one of those movies that you’d see on IFC...one that makes you feel a little better about your own junior high school days, cause you couldn’t have had it as bad as the main character, Dawn Weiner. Not-so-affectionately known as “Weinerdog” or just plain “Lesbo” by her schoolmates, she’s picked on at school and ignored at home as the middle child. This movie’s close to my heart cause it was set in New Jersey, and also because it was a favorite of mine back when i was 15 and used to dress in black every day. It’s rated R cause there’s talk of rape and fingerfucking, but don’t be scared, kiddies. It seems to all come together in the end, and although it might not be the “feelgood movie of the year,” it’ll make you think.
hey BASTARDS: and by bastards I mean people who actually read the Medium....submit your shit to shorty_fat_fat@yahoo.com, I’ll make it worth your while...
Wednesday, November 13, 2002
Things that the Arts Editor Wants: 1. For people to send me submissions so that I don’t feel unloved when I check my mail every Monday night. 2. To sing lead in a hardcore band...I just wanna scream and smash things. 3. For Victoria’s Secret to not be so anti-big girl in their bra dealings (I work there and we’re not allowed to put D or DD cups up on the wall...I guess they’re too grotesque for everyone, but I thought people liked big boobs?) 4. More spikes in her wardrobe. 5. Better grades in Systems Physiology 6. For you to come to the Medium Meeting, tonight at 9:30 PM, outside the LSC, and to bring me Slim Jims (they’re good for you, honest)
How to Find Quality Lesbian Porn Or My Week as a Caellian Staffer By “Pink Eyed” Jim Cortina Ever since I have been connected to the internet, one thing has never changed: my desire for lesbian porn. When I was a lowly AOL subscriber, I was limited to newsgroups, because porn sites loaded slowly, and you had to navigate a sea of pop up ads with slug-like speed. Newsgroups were faster, and if you encountered a post that wasn’t porn, it was fast to cancel it. There were a few drawbacks, however. As newsgroups were free, most of the pictures you could get involved being some kind of advertising for a pay porn site. Worse, some porn sites, in order to get free advertising, would post what they called “lesbian” porn with their site’s address on it, but this wasn’t lesbian porn. This was an impostor. During five years of frantic, onehand-typed sessions in newsgroups, I acquired a keen eye for authentic “lesbian” porn. I’d like to share some of my secrets and rules with the faithful readers of The Medium, so that they may be spared all the time and anguish I’ve spent. - If the picture is of two naked girls, and they’re just hugging each other and smiling, they’re probably not lesbians. - If they look like they’re not enjoying kissing another girl, eating her pussy, or taking it from a rubber dildo, they’re probably NOT enjoying it, and therefore are not real lesbians. They’re either broke college chicks, or kidnapped teenagers. - If there is a real penis anywhere in the picture, it’s not lesbian porn. - If the women are more than three feet apart, they’re not lesbians, just two chicks posing together. - If you see fur (animal fur, not a bushy chick), run. It’s probably a dog fucking a girl. - Strap-ons are great; a girl with a strap-on fucking a guy in the ass is not. - If you see a file that says something to the effect of “lolita teen lesbians,” beware. It’s probably not real underage girls, and if they are real underage girls, do you really want a file on your computer advertising that fact when the FBI searches your computer? Shit, if you want an underage girl, go get one. Sixteen is the legal age of consent in NJ. It beats the hell out of porn. Follow these simple guidelines and you can be assured that the porn you use to jerk your gherkin will be of the highest quality. Why engage in narcissistic sex to anything but the best real lesbians the internet has to offer?
More Fun Times at Ian’s Haiku Korner! Surrealist Bob Likes To Dance On Basement Walls Good Luck With That, Bob
The Tongue Ring Goddess Requires Poetry To Live Vegetarian
An Albino Squirrel Lives Outside Of My Dorm Room His Name Is Alby
Do Not Taunt The Ball Super Happy Fun Time: Now I Want Some Damn Tea
Wednesday, November 13th, 2002
“Boy, I wish Guy Patrick would come to meetings ”
“chris taylor, bring me some potatoes or beans or whatever.” to my weirdo american art teacher, why do you pronounce everything so funnily? sometimes i can barely contain the amount of annoyance i feel for you, i thought you were cool at first, but then you came in wearing old lady clothes, with a young little face like yours, why cant you dress a little sluttier or more like your age? just kidding about the slutty part, i dont really want to see you in anything remotely close to those rutgers slores. anyway, please learn how to pronounce chiaroscuro, rather, and stop mixing up thomas cole and frederick church, oh and is it caaterskill or catskill? make up your damn mind! -your student
To my roommate, next time you call me again at 3:30 in the morning drunk when Ive got work at 6 im going to beat the shit out of ur skinny, southern, rich white ass
to the tuna sub i ate todayHOLY BEJESUS! I sure as hell shat you out in a rush. m o t h e r f u c k e r .
(damn those fucking inconsiderate roommates, i can’t even begin to describe how much it sucks to have one of those shitty ass people, that don’t belong on this earth. thank goodness i dont have a roommate now or i’d have to deal with planning times to have sex with my really hot guy.)
we’re trying to tell you someTo the girl I fuck: you have one (fur elise, what a wonderful thing: we’re having a food of the finest asses I've ever composition, i’m glad i have drive. support it!!! seen... stop complaining my phone set on pachelbel’s send (why thank you... *blush*) cannon D.) personals to: so what's up with eurotrash? stainey@ to my political science teacherwitty.net listen u pinko commie fuck... I dont care about your fucking you know what views on anything. Just teach these cans are the goddamn class and stop here for? they’re spreading ur bullshit. here because i want to tell you (teachers suck sometimes) that we’re having a food drive. ok, so remember in like 3rd bring nongrade when teachers taught perishables to you that trick where you use boxes that are your fingers to multiply by 9s? labelled the i figured out that 9 x 5 comes medium. out to be 24. that is the reason that i had to go out and get drunk last tuesday night STOP LOOKING AT ME to that SMALL jew boy who thinks he's god's gift to SWAN! to that cute guy in the second women.. i know you can fuck row in my economics class. (look at me swan!) me harder than that, i don't youre so cute. i wanna bang u know why i keep coming back, so baaaad... soooo baaaad.... I come to America. I looking to sex many woman. America but considering you're getting yours the least you can do it to my jewish boyfriend: holy #1!!! TRY to make it good for me shit... it IS true what they say To Brian LeachI hate you. If too, so next time i tell you to about jews I ever meet you I WILL stab u fuck me, do it right (what? that they have in the fucking face with my fist. miniscule cocks? or that they Stab you over and over again. to the love of my life: i wish you have huge cocks? i don’t I will punch a goddamn sau- were still in my life, it’s so sad think there’s a myth about sage through ur fucking head. how things happen that aren’t jew cock, it just varies Yeah... sausage... not cock supposed to, i wish i could go dammit!) which you so evidently love, back in time and take things but actual sausage. I fucking back, but i can’t so now things to the smelly asshole that sat hate you. You and ur patriarare just miserable between us, next to me in social psych last chy can just go to hell, sometimes we do share good week. damn you fucking reek. fuckstick! moments and i really do chertake a shower, please. or go ish them, i am so in love with die in a corner. just dont (hmm... i wonder what this you, i wish you would just refucking sit next to me anymore! brian kid did to you... did he alize that and take me back. i thought i was going to pass fuck your girlfriend in the ass love, you know who out from your nastiness or something???)
to the guy in front of me on the line for take out monday: why the fuck did you throw all the tiny mini-golf pencils on the floor? I oughta kick the shit I hate Jesus. Why do people out of you, you fat stupid fuck. keep trying to get me to con- I almost broke my goddamn vert to their fucking religion! Do neck cause of you. I do that shit to you? I hate Jesus and Jesus hates me so (oh yeah, fat people suck too, stop talking to me about what it’s a good thing that bridget a great and peachy guy he was. doesn’t think aija is fat or If I ever meet this fucker Jesus, anything, fat people are also Im gonna crucify his ass. bigger than us, non-fat To the girls next door: DIE people, so we should watch out or we might be looking w w w . t h e m e d i u m . n e t at the bottom of their shoes.) FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD
DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!
IT to that pretentious piece of shit on the third floor: get over urself (eats what? your ass? that u fucking fucker. No one likes canned food up there?) u and ur false, holier than thou attitude. You talk like a fucking To the emo kid i wrote to last idiot, and you dont know anyweek: I still hate you thing. If you keep being an ass (what’s wrong with emo im going to be forced to go into kids? they’re just modern ur room, jizz all over all ur stuff, geeks who listen to punk.) then pour gasoline over everything and light it on fire. When how come there are no dead you rush over to see the glorisquirrels in the middle of the ous blaze i will smash in the sidewalk this year? back of the head with a brick, and shit in ur mouth while ur (it’s because the asians unconscious. Not that that haven’t been driving up the should bother u, since clearly sidewalks this year, and i you are already full of shit! think the author of that personal doesn’t live on busch (what a load of rage!) anymore, which explains dear god, the carrots are crywhy there aren’t any dead ing! make them stop, make squirrels.) them stop!!! not the radishes to black people: stop being so too, oh the humanity! black (all i can say is... huh??? ( w h y ? ? ? ? ? ) what are you smoking???) OMAR
EATS
Wednesday, November13th, 2002
if i hear one more damn cell phone playing fur elise i'm going to fucking chop off someone's legs, set their house on fire, and watch as they drag (i’ll bet $5 that it was from their bloody stumps out of their brower) house. okay pierre?
To that fucker with the lip ring in my room at the moment. You are a useless tool. Dont call me a scumbag. Thats right... get out... out... there ya go... here's a biscuit
to buddy, you are an anal loving dog, just kidding, you are the cutest little puppy in the world, that actualyl loves socks. to lily, the dog owner, what are you doing? take a damn rest. you are too tired all the time. maybe its because you’re not sober 80% of the what if i stood on the corner time, chill out... some other saying "i suck souls, i suck way. haha. -carol souls." would someone go out with me? 2 words: (are you mistakening soul for F O O D cock? because if you said D R I V E
(whoa looks like someone screwed up, why don’t you try whining to some other newspaper, i’m sure the review would sympathize with you.)
(you’d think that by the time guys reached college, they’d know how to clean themselves or use deodarant, but you assumed wrong . Do the guy a favor and buy him a stick of smell good deodarant.)
that, you know that well... maybe someone would want a blowjob but they might turn you down for a date...sorry better luck next t i m e . )
this page brough to you by news editor, carol hu.
www.themedium.net
Wednesday, November 13th, 2002 recitation girl, i hope you did well on your 2nd art history test today. i hope i dont scare you either if i do then ill stop writing to you. do you even know who i am? i was dipped in sugar when i was a baby, thats why im so sweet, so you might like me even though im not attractive. can you just give me one kiss on my cheek please? so i can deposit it into my spank bank and withdrawal from it every now and then. but honestly, im not scary im a good laid back kind of guy with a sweet tooth for you. love, dicklips (I thought I told you she said to stop stalking her. She’s blowing me, she doesn’t want you.) Dear Beerman, Thank you for the "gift" Monday afternoon. It was as hot and sweet as you said it would be. My glasses fogged. Each time I sipped your sweetness, and afterward each breath I took held traces of your taste and warmed my belly. -Liz (I, too, sipped Beerman’s sweetness. Although I would describe it as “hoppy.”) to whom it may concern, i'd like to state publically that i do not fuck third graders, no matter how tempting that may be. in conclusion, i did not fuck a third grader and it was not a glorious day. sincerely - brady (To whom it may concern, he’s lying. He fucks third graders just like the rest of us. Don’t act so high and mighty.)
How many roads must a man walk down? Forty Two... Nope, doesn’t work.
Boy in the grey corduoroy pants on the bus last week who said “Sabarro”- you should have talked to me. --The girl reading the medium and sitting near where you were standing. (If he had’ve talked to you, what would have happened? I want lurid details.) Dear Rutgers, Sometimes when I feel bad, I look around the classroom or dining hall and I think to myself, "Most of the people in this room pooped today. And if they haven't, they will. Because they all have buttholes and poop comes out of those buttholes." and then I feel a little better and closer to my fellow man. Thank you. (Personal from Russ, our amateur scatologist.) To that beautiful and amazing girl I met that one sweet day in September at the bus stop. The last two months with you have been truly amazing. I know we will continue to have great times together. I love you so much! By the way, learn to speak without that South Jersey accent, no one knows what a begel or chacolate is! (For years I have suffered at the hands of my fellow man, for I, too, say “Beggel.”) To my fagshitter roomate. Fuck you wigger, stop watching Training Day. Its not the best fucking movie ever. You are fucking white, please stop acting black; Listening to your fucking rap music, only fucking black girls. You gotta snap out of it. Don't you know that white makes right? (Again with the fagshitter. What gives?)
Come to the medium meeting in front of the LSC at 9:30. Free Free ass...err...face ass...err...face painting! painting!
Nicole- you fucking twatsicle. I know you wanted to do nasty nasty things to that Shakira drag queen. Well you can go take that drag queen cock and all the shrivelly mini cocks of the Indian population of Busch campus and stick it up your ass while grooving to your wack John Mellancamp songs and dropping trays at Brower. You whore, go fuck your white and red Vans. (Gotta love twatsicles, especially after a hearty dinner of poontang pie.) www.martinscocklovesyou.com recitation girl, i would like to get to know you but the semester is almost over and im really too scared to talk to you. FUCK... ok this is the last message im ever going to send you because i wont ever grow hair on my balls to talk to you. all i ever wanted to do was to study the 3-D composition of your body, but its ok. the life size poster is keeping me company late at night on BUSCH, where i live. (hint) (Alright Dude, you’re flagged from the Medium personals. From this day forth, I will no longer tolerate your pussy attempts to talk to this girl via a personal. Grow some genitals, and talk to her.) To that fucking hot ass worker at the Sac, Pattycake. I saw you on Halloween looking sexy like always in your sorority shirt, but I don't know why you didn't dress up when you went out. Your sorority fucking rocks! DUM forever. I wished you would have stopped making all of those cell phone calls and you could have just fucken blown me like all the rest of the sorority girls. Until you figure out who this is, I am just going to have to keep masturbating while thinking of you in your fuckin outfits. (It’s not masturbation, it’s narcissistic sex. Get it right. You should have narcissistic sex with this: http:// www.stileproject.com/flash/ ec4.html) To that kid on the second floor of Murray Hall MW-7 with the hat at a 45 degree angle to the floor. You look like a fucking ass with your goofy spikes protruding from under your hat brim. Every time I walk by you after my Greek Philosophy class, I want to punch you in the head. Love, the assistant Medium Personals Editor.
We don’t accept written submissions, email personals to stainey@witty.com or else. To the fat tub of overgrown, worthless, power hungry,chunk of lard, whom I'm forced to call my hall director. Well "hall director" I would find pleasure dunking my sweaty nuts in you deformed mouth. Get a life, your attempts to demonstrate authority are pathetic. I'm going to gather up all the people whom you have fucked in the ass, so we can take turns pinching your pot belly, so you squeal like the dough-boy. Thanks for all the hours of community service. I should now have plenty of time to think of many clever ways to destroy your ego. I HATE YOU YOU HAVE NO REAL FRIENDS DIE NOW! (La la la... I don’t care what you have to say... I can’t hear you... I am free! By the way, this page has a secret theme, can you figure it out? email pinkeyedjim@hotmail.com)
Tedious poetry corner... Llama llama llama I can’t stand your drama. Sometimes you make-a me get a hairy palm-a. I want to tell you that you are the girl of my dreams. I want to say that you know what really makes me scream. I want to tell you that I’ll be there for you... but blow me first. End of Tedious poetry corner Kate, I know you’re not looking for anyone right now. But I want you to know that I want everything about you. I want your eyes, your smile, your mind. I want to write you silly love songs, but all I could manage was this personal, damn me. Love, Howser (Howser? What kind of name is that, you saccharine fuck?)
Like my ass? Send me email pinkeyedjim@hotmail.com www.pinkeyedjim.com
“touch my ass if you’re qualified”
Wednesday, November 13th, 2002
Next Week in the Medium:
New York
Perverts in business suits!
Wed 11/13 - Thievery Corporation - Irving Plaza Wed 11/13 - Bob Dylan - Madison Square Garden Thur 11/14 - Joe Cocker - Beacon Theatre Thur 11/14 - Rhett Miller & the Instigators - Bowery Ballroom Thur 11/14 - Chocolate Genius - Joe’s Pub Fri 11/15 - Bryan Ferry - Beacon Theatre Fri 11/15 - Better Than Ezra, Cowboy Mouth - Bowery Ballroom Fri 11/15 - Butchies - North Six Sat 11/16 - The Samples CD release party - Irving Plaza Sat 11/16, Sun 11/17 - Ozomatli - Bowery Ballroom Mon 11/18 - Flickerstick - Irving Plaza Tues 11/19 - Fischerspooner, DJ Hell - Irving Plaza Wed 11/20 - DJ Shadow - Roseland Ballroom Wed 11/20 - Shakira - Madison Square Garden Wed 11/20 - The Ataris, Sugarcult - Bowery Ballroom Thur 11/21 - Peter Gabriel - Madison Square Garden
http://www.themedium.net
BiZone’s Endless Possibilities Conference November 15-17 @ Princeton University register now! - www.endlesspossibilities.org Endless Funk & Dance Party Friday 11/15, 8pm -midnight Princeton University, Frist Multipurpose Room featuring Dutchboy & Sister Funk $5 suggested donation; free with registration
New Jersey
All Things Are Possible Cabaret Saturday 11/16, 8pm -midnight Princeton University, Frist Multipurpose Room featuring Esmirelda, Robin Renée, Allison Tartalia, Moss, and Noorah $5 suggested donation; free with registration
Open Mic - Saturday 11/16, 5:30-7:00 pm Princeton University, Frist Multipurpose Room $5 suggested donation; free with registration
Queer (Duck) Qorner!
Send events to orgykarma@yahoo.com
Wed 11/13 - Jewel - New Jersey Performing Arts Center Wed 11/13 - Goo Goo Dolls, Lisa Loeb State Theatre Thur 11/14 - Riddlin’ Kids, Allister Birch Hill Fri 11/15 - Peter Wolf - The Stone Pony Sat 11/16 - Last Perfect Thing CD release party - The Stone Pony Sat 11/16 - (hed)PE, Mindless Self Indulgence - Birch Hill Sun 11/17 - Dan Bern, The National Maxwell’s Mon 11/18 - Shannon McNally - The Saint Tues 11/19 - Superdrag - The Stone Pony Tues 11/19 - 8stops7, Anyone, Bemus Birch Hill Thur 11/21 - Blind Guardian, Symphony X, Judge Drain - Birch Hill Fri 11/22 - Sevendust, 30 Seconds To Mars - The Tradewinds