11/1/2000

The Clown Witch Project

Coming Soon to a Theater Near You

The Entertainment Weekly of Dairy Products

Wednesday, November 1st, 2000

“You’re a gentleman and a scholar.”

Volume XXXII Number 8

Note: We just aren’t trying anymore.

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4/3/01, 2:15 AM

Calanus finmarchicus -- most abundant animal in the world

EDITORIALS

Wednesday, November 1st, 2000

Friends, countrymen, fellow students, Over the course of the next seven days, you will likely be inundated with arguments designed to convince you to exercise your right to vote. While considering their appeals, ask yourself the following question: “Have I researched the positions of the candidates, considered the validity of their arguments, and made my decision as an informed citizen?” I would strongly encourage informed citizens to cast their votes. The Medium is providing you, therefore, the official campaign websites’ addresses for all the presidential, senatorial, and relevant congressional candidates that will both appear on the ballot on Tuesday and maintain websites. Please use this information to evaluate the information given wisely, taking all official claims with a grain of salt, before making your decision.

submit opinions to: DESARNOC@EDEN

Sincerely, Christopher Taylor, EiC

[Note: The following information was obtained via politics1.com.]

Presidential Candidates Vice Presidential Candidates Political Party Official Campaign Website

John Hagelin Laura Ticiati Natural Law Party www.hagelin.org

Harry Browne Art Olivier Libertarian Party www.harrybrown.org

James Harris Margaret Trowe Socialist Workers Party www.themilitant.com/ campaign

Pat Buchanan Ezola Foster Reform Party www.buchananreform.com

David McReynolds Mary Cal Hollis Socialist Party USA www.votesocialist.org

George W. Bush Dick Cheney Republican Party www.georgewbush.com

Ralph Nader Winona LaDuke Green Party www.votenader.com

Al Gore Joseph Lieberman Democratic Party www.algore2000.com

Howard Phillips Curtis Frazier Constitution Party www.phillips2000.com

Whores Sluts Hoochies Hoes Tricks Bitches

Page Page Page Page Page

8 9 10 11 12

Bob Franks Republican Party www.bobfranks.com

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Frank Pallone (Incumbent) Democratic Party www.house.gov/pallone

You know what I love about New Brunswick? The squirrels. They are so damn cute. If you walk by them they don't even run away. They just go about their business as if you're not there. It's as if our environment-destroying way of civilization has left these woodland creatures unscarred. It's as if they have no experience of the true nature of humans so they don't fear you and will even approach you. On a nice sunny day I love to sit down and watch the squirrels play their little squirrel games. If I'm really still, one will even approach me. That's when I kick it as hard as I can in its little fuckin rodent head. haHahA! That'll teach 'em not to fear me. Watching it flee up a tree only to lose its balance, fall out and break its squirrel submit desarnoc@eden neck on the pavement is almost as fun astoattending a Medium meeting: 9:30pm Wednesday, Livingston Student Center, Rm. 111

Skanks “Escorts” Page 10 Bridgets What’s Shakin’

Cover by: Chris “don’t call me topher” Taylor

I don t know, why is life like being inserted into a bloody vagina?

I don t know either. Wretched, isn t it.

Brian Kennedy Republican Party www.briankennedy.org

THE

MEDIUM

2 3 4 5 6 7

Why is life like being inserted into a bloody vagina?

Earl Gray Green Party www.gpnj.org/Campaign%202000/ Earl%20flyer.htm

Pat DiNizio Reform Party www.dinizio2000.org Emerson Ellett Libertarian Party www.ellett2000.com

CONTENTS Page Page Page Page Page Page

Lorraine LaNeve NJ Conservative Party www.thenewbeginning.com

Greg Pason Bruce Afran Socialist Party USA Green Party www.votesocialist.org/pason2000 www.gpnj.org/ candidates%202000.html#Senate Congressional Candidates 6th Legislative District Jon Corzine Political Party Democratic Party Official Campaign Website www.votecorzine.org

by chris desarno

REALLY LOVE YOUR PEACHES WANNA SHAKE YOUR TREE

Senatorial Candidates Political Party Official Campaign Website

The Stupid, Stupid Morons Editor in Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Opinions Editor News Editor GMG Editor Arts Editor

Christopher Taylor Personals Editors Jay Postelnik Heather Thompson What’s Shakin’ Editor B.C. “Chris” DeSarno Staff Artist Mike “Sharky” Ryan Online Editor Garrett Glick Advertising Manager Amanda Hoffman Senior Editor

Mike Molino Jay Postelnik Michelle Salvaggio James Kohl Mike Molino Amy Groark Garrett Glick

THE MEDIUM is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and are not necessarily shared by THE MEDIUM. Submission and business deadline is Sunday at 12:00 pm. The office of THE MEDIUM is located in the SAC Cubicle N. All correspondence may be addressed to THE MEDIUM SAC Box 78, New Brunswick, N.J. 08903 or emailed to naziphallus@hotmail.com. Our phone number is (732) 373-7085. ... there’s somewhere between confusion and frustration that strippers can become saints ...

4/3/01, 2:15 AM

Don t defend her ... she s a sex offender.

Wednesday, November 1st, 2000

the return of the “I just don’t give a shit anymore” page !!!

Cindy was always picked first for kickball ...

∫e^(4x) = hilarious! by Chris DeSarno

i'm training my brain to evolve to the point where it no longer needs sleep...either that or to the point where i can hallucinate on command. send me submission so i can rest. desarnoc@eden

OPINIONS

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• weird sexual fetishes • the phrase "fecal matter" • the expression "what's hot" • sticking your dick in your roommate's mouth when he's sleeping, then not taking pictures. • scooters • Adolf Hitler • British comedy • Life (the boardgame) • skanks named Bridget • clown nose ○

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• bizarre sexual fetishes • the phrase "ass fluid" • the expression "your ass is grass, and i'm the lawnmower" • sticking your dick in your roommate's mouth when he's sleeping, then taking pictures. • unicycles • Ben Hitler • British tradgedy • Life (the cereal) • skanks named Bridget • clown wig

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What's Not What's Hot

if i ever get into a bar fight i want "Two Princes" by Spin Doctors to be playing in the background ...

Introducing The Medium’s first ever “What’s Hot/What’s Not” list

Yesterday I studied for my calc test. I find it extremely difficult to study in complete silence so I kept the tv on for the many hours I worked. Unfortunately (fortunately?) my television only gets one channel ... a porno channel. This was hardly a distraction, though because I make it a habit of masturbating BEFORE I study for a test. Anywho, I'm not a student of psychology so I really don't know what happened but when I took my test today I became extremely aroused. Derivates and integrals. Integrals and derivatives. It all got to be too much. Finally, after looking over a particularly attractive integration-by-parts problem I exploded all over the test. I couldn't help it! Oddly, though, after looking over the semen-covered paper my professor remarked, "that's the most correct answer I've seen all day." We both started laughing ... laughing the shame away ...

3

Shit Partners by The Degenerate Twins We have a little proposition for all of you out there that appreciate your daily shits. When we first came to Rutgers we ate a lot of dining hall food, and also a butt load of take-out. We found that the food made us shit like crazy! Since we shit so damn much we found ourselves bored while sitting on the throne. We decided to create shit partners. Shit partners are two or more guys taking shits at the same time while discussing issues ranging from the daily news, sports, girls, parties, and the mystical food that makes us shit so much. While all of this is happening, we find pleasure in reading the Medium, and discussing the funny ass articles. We feel that we should make shit partners a known thing around Rutgers. Your pooping pal doesn’t have to be a best friend, or an interesting person, just make it someone you feel comfortable farting around. If this person is often on the throne while you’re taking a shit, you can offer them some benefits for being your partner. Some benefits include, getting your pal a toilet seat saddle, getting the daily news for your buddy, and venting problems to your pal, and can act as a lamas coach for those anal births (those Cindy’s older sister, hard to push motherfuckers that Helga wasn’t as make you grunt and make you wish you never ate that much). blessed with “athletic Your shit buddy can help you anability” and went on swer questions like, what does to become a Review that smell remind you of, and why does it hurt? A shit partner also writer ... comes in handy if you run out of toilet paper to wipe or build a nest. We would like the majority of the Rutgers community to use this concept the next time you find yourself bored on the porcelain God. Shit partners make your daily routine a little more interesting, and make your day a little better.

4/3/01, 2:15 AM

Wednesday, November 1st, 2000 “Portable Dashboard Douchebag?” NEWS Innocent All-Male Shower Hunter S. Thompson Celebrates 800,000th Conversational Use of Romp Misunderstood by the Word “pigfucker” Gay Student by Alex Blunt NEW BRUNSWICK- A weekly ritual for the men of Demarest Hall on College Avenue was horribly misconstrued last week when a gay student stumbled upon the festivity of soap, mutual hair-washing, and Madonna music in the dorm’s mens room. The student, who prefers to remain anonymous, made unwelcome sexual advances which brought the party to a screeching halt and resulted in confusion and cat fights among male residents. The conflict occurred last Friday night after dozens of men had convened in the showers of the mens room to wash the cares of the week away with thickly lathered shampoo, talk of fashion, and carefree dancing to 80’s pop songs. The noise attracted the attention of one unfortunate freshman, however, who believed the event was one of many secret gay rendez-vous sites on the Rutgers campuses. With his sexual intentions visible, the nude party crasher entered the showers only to be greeted with girlish screams of horror. “I can’t believe he thought we were gay!” said one of the shocked participants several days later, wearing a violet bathrobe, a towel turban and a green, exfoliating face mask.”I mean, maybe in Frisco only fags go to shower parties, but here we’re, like, totally straight. I think one of us even has a girlfriend!” A fellow reveler echoed this outrage. “If we can’t bathe each other with oversized sponges and smear Herbal Essences all over our naked bodies without some pervert thinking we’re all gay and stuff, how are we supposed to wind down after a hard week? I mean besides getting drunk and strutting down the hallway in dresses pretending it’s a catwalk?” The male residents say they will continue to have their soiree every week, but threaten to unleash a storm of bitch slaps to anyone who mistakes their sexuality again. 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 by Rachel Beckman 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 In a breaking story earlier this morning it was revealed that the World Series winners, the 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 New York Yankees, had apparently confused Monday’s victory parade with Tuesday’s 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 Halloween parade in Greenwich Village. According to numerous sources, the outline of 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 these two days events appearsto be: 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 Monday – In a change of heart, the Mets team decides to participate in the parade. They 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 don themselves in Yankees’ attire in a display of their good will, as well as to show their 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 Halloween spirit. The Yankees however, are strangely absent. No suspicious occur123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 rences are reported however, as the Yankees fans apparently cann’t tell the difference. 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 Tuesday Night – The Village parade appears to be its usual celebration of good clean 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 perversion until numerous calls are made into police departments concerning a group of 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 “Unruly drag queens.” “At first I thought it as a group of really stuck up bitches, but 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 then I knew right away when this one really ugly broad started throwing objects at 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 people screaming ‘Whoops – so sue me!’” states witness John Doe. 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 In a press conference Roger Clemens attempted to explain this mix-up, “We got this 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 strange call on Sunday night telling us the parade had been moved to the Village on 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 Tuesday night. The caller also said to dress in our casual, every day clothes and not our 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 uniforms, which is why we were in drag.” 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 The commissioner of Baseball refused to confirm anything at this time, but stated that 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 they will happily receive any photographic evidence of Tuesday night’s event. He was 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 later seen walking into the men’s room with a stack of these photos. 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 In an anonymous call made to the station, the reason for Derek Jeeter’s absence in 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 Tuesday night’s event was revealed, “Are you kidding? His tight ass would have been 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 plundered more than the Egyptian pyramids. We just couldn’t do that to the guy, even if 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 he is a Yankee.” 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 Following a lead we went to question Mets’ catcher, Mike Piazza, who refused to 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 comment. Upon leaving however, he was heard muttering, “See if he throws anything at 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 me again. . .” 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789

Trick or Treat: Subway Series Style

Medium-11-1-00.p65

4

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1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 (Location Withheld) CO-In a landmark event for both America’s most eccentric 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 journalist, and proponents of bestiality everywhere, Fear and Loathing in Las 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 Vegas author Hunter S. Thompson celebrated his 800,000th conversational use of 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 the word “pigfucker,” at a gathering in rural Colorado on Saturday. The occasion 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 was marked by chain smoking, obscure drug use, and Thompson’s use of various 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 firearms to punctuate his arguments. An eclectic mix of attendees including 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 (former Python) Terry Gilliam, NRA President Charlton Heston, Thompson’s 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 former editor for Rolling Stone, and an audience of “rabid little demonic fucking 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 lizard-monsters… with crazy sickness… the kind that’ll eat your soul and ask for 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 goddamn seconds,” were on hand to celebrate the occasion. 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 Lowering his sunglasses and unmarked bottle of brownish liquid, Thompson’s 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 attorney assured attendees of the legality of the situation. “As his attorney, I 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 would like to assure everyone of the legality of the situation. My client is suffering 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 from a bad heart, which requires him to take Amyl Nitrate every fifteen to sixteen 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 minutes. This medication sometimes causes… reactions, which might result in… 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 certain eccentricities, but once again, I can assure you that there is nothing 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 wrong, so let’s please get back to the celebration.” This statement was seconded 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 by Thompson himself, who in a brief burst of lucidity, waved a .357 Magnum and 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 shouted, “I’m a goddamn journalist, you pigfucking vultures!” Everyone else in the 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 room continued to act as if they were not paying attention, as they have been 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 since 1964. 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 A longtime friend, artist Ralph Steadman, presented the Guest of Honor with a 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 plaque honoring this use of the word. “You’re a fine journalist, and I would like you 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 to accept this award on behalf of the PIAA [Pig-Intercourse Association of 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 America].” Thompson, accepting the award, sprayed Steadman in the face with a 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 can of mace, and proceeded to address the star-studded crowd over the screams 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 of pain. “This is great… nearly as great as the time I almost killed Nixon in ’72. 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 Almost dropped a lit cigarette into the fuel tank of his transport…. would’ve set 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 the whole works off like a Roman fucking candle on the goddamn 4th of July. 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 Where are my fucking golf shoes? All completely legal… they’d swear to it… or 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 would they? Jesus creeping God! Is there a priest in this tavern? I’m a sinner! All I 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 did was take your gibberish seriously… and see where it got me? Do you see 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 where it got me? This is your work!” 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 Thompson’s monologue was then cut off by his being attacked by the local 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 chapter of Hell’s Angels, who subsequently beat him unconscious with pool 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 sticks and then urinated on his body. 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890

Event for Journalist Marked by Obscure Drug Use, Hysterical Threats of Violence

Would you rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints? Then come to the Medium meeting Wednesday at 9:30 PM in room 111 of the Livinston Student Center. The sinners are always much more fun. In this case, the sinners are also less sexually inhibited, but not much less. Email sinful news to mgryan@eden. Visit The Medium s den of iniquity in Cubicle N of the SAC. Licentious News Editor Mike Ryan is there on Wednesdays from 6:10 until 7:30 with Risky Business Manager Heather Thompson.

4/3/01, 2:15 AM

Wednesday, November 1st, 2000

NEWS

“Turn the blade back on the bitch...”

Notice to All Students From the Office of the Registrar The following new courses will be offered next semester. Consult the Rutgers web site for class locations and times. 01:820:201 BEING “THE FILM GUY” (3) ARTS AND SCIENCE 090 For Visual Art (081) or Pretension Majors only, this course involves teaching one to wow their friends with interesting tidbits from the world of The Cinema, without them being Rutgers College able, or wanting to decipher what you’re talking about. In this course you will learn to throw around phrases such as “mise en scene,” “Brakagesque,” and “postmodern opus,” 12:090:101. YOUR ASS IS GRASS AND I’M THE LAWNMOWER (3) without fully understanding what they mean. Much of your time will be spent on Must be completed to receive degree credit in Computer Science (198), Life Sciences (119), learning how to bitch about how Rutgers does not have a Film Major. Chemistry (160), Mathematics (640), or Physics (750). A seminar conducted by a panel of jocks geared towards familiarizing nerds with their 01:820:242 COSMETIC APPLICATION FOR AMERICAN WOMEN: IS TOO MUCH ENOUGH? (3) role in University life. Topics include: why nerds should be subservient to jocks, why Pretension Major elective. Course focuses on how to be a perfect social butterfly by nerds should stay away from attractive women, and why nerds should make their masking or disguising any individual traits through use of hundreds of dollars in makeup knowledge and resources available to jocks for the purpose of executing elaborate and beauty supplies. Image enhancement through conformity is a key ideal of this pranks. Course projects include the installation of video surveillance equipment in course, in the hopes that it can find you a mate solely interested in this façade. Lab Fee: $ areas where women commonly undress, flooding the dean’s house with popcorn, and 450. (Mirror course for American males 01:820:243- Abercrombie and Fitch: Do I still stand mean-spirited feigned seduction by a troupe of comely sorority women, with hilarious out?) results.

COMPUTER SCIENCE 198 01:198:355. INTERNET PORNOGRAPHY (4) Prerequisites: 01:198:111 and 01:198:112

An intensive course covering a multitude of methods for downloading pornography off the Internet. GIF, JPEG, MPEG, AVI, and MOV encoding. How to covertly download vast quantites of smut in the College Avenue Computer Center. Trends in child pornography, bestiality, and “water sports.” The Scour Media Agent and its role in the distribution and access of pornographic material. The Internet as an infinite treasure chest holding untold fleshly delights beyond the dreams of avarice.

ENGLISH: COMPOSITION AND WRITING 355 01:355:097. SILENT “E’S” (E1.5) An intensive course covering the ultimate purpose served by these enigmatic “E’s” that remain unannunciated when the words in which they occur are spoken. Discussion on the ways in which this muddles our beautiful language.

MATHEMATICS 640 01:640:161-162. CALCULUS FOR MATHEMATICAL AND PHYISCAL SCIENCES NOT TAUGHT BY SOME GUY YOU CAN’T UNDERSTAND BECAUSE HE DOESN’T FUCKING SPEAK ENGLISH (4, 4) Math 161: Analytic geometry, differential calculus, applications, and introduction to integral calculus. Math 162: Transcendental functions, techniques of integration, polar coordinates, and series. Both courses taught by instructors who speak beautiful, intelligible, unbroken English.

01:820:250 USING THE WORD “FAG” IN ANY CONTEXT POSSIBLE (3) Pretension major requirement. This course involves shouting the word “fag” at a loud volume in crowded areas without thinking. It also helps to remind you that you can free yourself of any latent homosexual tendencies though sheer repetition of the word, because not doing so, (and let’s be realistic) is just fucking gay. Re-enforcement of masculinity during highly homoerotic activities such as football and wrestling through gay bashing is also a main focus of the course. Lab Fee $6.56 for beer.

RECREATION 838 01:838:102 BEING THE CREEPY GUY ON THE BUS (1) There aren’t many things more fun than being the Creepy Guy on the Bus. This elective centers on spooking the “normals” on the bus into thinking that you are slightly out of your mind. Techniques to be covered in class involve staring for inappropriate amounts of time at pretty girls, rocking back and forth while muttering the words to Nine Inch Nails’ “Big Man With a Gun,” and moving erratically around drunken fratsters whilst gripping your crotch. Fun to be had by all. 01:838:120 BRAGGING AT PARTIES ABOUT HOW MUCH YOU LIKE TO “EAT PUSSY” (1) This elective teaches the student how to attend parties, get drunk, and regale the crowd with the fact that you enjoy cunnilingus in some kind of misguided attempt to both appear to be a fair person and attract women While this technique almost never works (with the glaring exception of television’s Ted Turner), it is helpful to learn this process in which to talk in a louder-than-conversational voice, and make those around uncomfortable and slightly disgusted. Final exam will be held at an upcoming party, to be announced on a flier at a College Ave bus stop.

WOMEN’S STUDIES 988

PRETENSION 820 01:820:102 CELL PHONES AND PSYCHOLOGY: YOU ARE POPULAR (3) This course satisfies the Pretension Technology requirement for Pretension Majors. Course focuses on the finer points of using your cellular phone in order to enhance your self and social image. Examples include: use while sitting on a crowded bus, using them in any situation where you are alone in order to show strangers that you are in fact in demand. Distance learning classes available.

01:988:102. INTRODUCTION TO ILLOGIC (3) A course designed to introduce a variety of concepts essential to understanding more advanced Women’s Studies. Topics include Oprah Winfrey as a holder of divine wisdom, bad driving, and shoes as the solution to any problem. Time permitting, students may be directed to write a paper relating these topics to why men are always wrong.

The Medium Crossword Puzzle 1

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15 ACROSS 1. flamingcyclops 2. zack 6. crossword 7. vinceguaraldi 10. tomstoppard 12. smirnoff 14. wrlc 15. louispolonia 19. debbiegibson 20. jarjarbinks 22. alien 23. campbellhall 25. mrwong 28. jesus 29. teddansen 30. murrayhall 32. rutgers 33. themedium 35. fucker 37. dasani 38. tipper 39. kant 40. rush 41. cock 42. bart 43. fifty

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DOWN 1. francislawrence 3. chriselliot 4. hospital 5. cliffordstoll 8. jamesgarner 9. homosexual 25 11. davisonhall 12. sac 13. joe 13. joe 16. mikebarber 17. gay 18. pit 20. joewalsh 21. challenger 23. checkers 24. bobbarker 26. depends 27. melmac 36 31. laura 32. ronkuby 34. mepos 35. fatcat 36. wart

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by Mike Ryan

ACROSS 1. NJ Republican Senate candidate 5. Happy Days father 7. "Smooth Operator" artist 8. The anotomical term for the hole in your butt 12. Diff'rent Strokes' Arnold 13. James Marshall and Marco Chinchilla, e.g. 14. The grundle 15. History department headquarters 16. Pennsylvania Governor 17. What girls say when I ask them out 20. Honeymooners-inspired cartoon show 24. Rudy Guiliani and Joe Torre, ________ pals 26. The non-anatomical term for the hole in your butt 28. The grease truck with the creepiest name 29. Greek god with a gimpy foot 32. Lucky Charms leprechaun 33. Taco varient with a fluffly shell 34. NY Republican Senate candidate 35. Basketball star and world class playa 36. A guy who has a hospital named after him, but should be a porn star instead 37. The capital of North Dakota

4/3/01, 2:15 AM

DOWN 2. Marky Mark's home town 3. "Mallrats" director 4. Dead AC/DC singer 6. "Civilization and its Discontents" author 9. The program that the RUNet Gestapo will shut you down for running, if you allow uploads 10. The age of the girl Louis Polonia statutorily raped 11. The guy who finally got the phrase "filthy excrement" into the Targum 14. Ska's prime directive 18. "Eddie" in The Rocky Horror Picture Show 19. What Haim Saban ripped off in creating the Power Rangers 20. The Rutgers publication that is afraid to take The Medium on at softball 21. "Informer" one hit wonder 22. Alias Currer Bell 23. The bldg. where a lot of comp. sci. offices are. 24. TV's Columbo 25. "Two Princes" artists 27. The area around the nipple 30. Bangles frontwoman 31. Annoying-as-hell pet detective

GMG

I am a man of means...of slender means.

Wednesday November 1st, 2000

In Memorium

Brief Adventures In Idiocy by Garrett Glick

Germane Jermaine It always seemed as if everything Jermaine said and did was truly relevant. And thus we chose to call him “Germane Jermaine.” As to whether or not he was German, well, this information simply is not germane.

IDIOT

The Good, The Bad, and Pierre Pierre, the reknowned French gunslinger, could fire six bullets through your head faster than you could say “vive le France.” It could be said that Pierre’s life was something like a movie, a croissant western perhaps. Or perhaps it was even more like a porno film. To be more precise, perhaps it was more like a gay porno film. For Pierre was gay. Very, very gay. Gay like the wind.

Enrico: A College Student

In many ways Enrico was a college student. In many ways he was not. For he never did attend classes, or The mysterious one live anywhere near a univerarmed man sity. But perhaps Enrico’s severe addiction to child Why would a man with two arms porno made him more of a call himself “the one armed man.”? I college student than any of asked this question to the mysterious could ever possibly dream to one armed man who plainly told me be. that he never claimed to have “only” one arm. Interestingly, the mysterious one armed man is now known Homosexual Josh as the man with “only” one gunshot wound. Homosexual Josh loved the ladies. And the ladies loved him. Why then did they call him Homosexual Josh? Probably because that was his name.

Michael Bolton 1956-2000 “Spooge in my eye Spooge like cherry pie. Spooge one mile high.” -Michael Bolton-

The Family Circass by Bill Keeeen

RUTGERS POLITICAL CARTOON

George W. Bush is a stank queer.

FIN!

The Unlocked Mysteries of German Roman by German Roman When could wonders cease? When do majesties die? When German roman unravels himself to the world. How can one afford disenchanment when pie sells for only two and a half bits? Well you see, in my darkest hour it rhymes wih three so it simply cannot be. Oh what treasures lie within my soul! Let’s dance around, perhaps we can perouse the graveyard and see what’s on today’s menu! I just wonder what today’s specials could be! I loathe all those that detest wonton soup while throwing a stone through their very own glass house. What fools I tell you! Confuscius delivered by the pound and delivered to your house daily for less than the price of a Laotian orifice lotion. When you can’t afford to be late you gotta call hate. How can you tell me time is sleeping when gay men never sleep? A loaf of bread in my right hand and the Declaration of Independence in my other right hand. What’s in my left you may ask? Aha, it’s the communist Manifesto and a slice of Havarti cheese, together at last. Shutup when I’m talking cause buttsex only occurs every 18th Tuesday and it’s near that time again when nary an ass gets not raped. Who am I you ask? Who is this German Roman. A gay idiot with unwonderful secrets Another shameful reading experience. for sale at 100 percent off. Sayonora!

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6

“Black boys got big wangs like this.”

Happy Hour Mon-Fri 5-8 PM $1.50 pints $1.50 bar drinks

4/3/01, 2:15 AM

Wednesday November 1st, 2000 Before, there was a man for every three hexagons. Suicide and pulmonary diseases have destroyed that proportion.

What if SPAM didn’t exist? by Furious “D” Here are your answers to this mind-boggling question.... -The topic of canned food would be a lot less humorous -America would be .3% less obese-Many more Guinea Pigs, Peacocks, and Koala bears would still be roaming the earth (read: these animals used for Spam “meat”) -Mankind would live without pleasure -Mankind would live without an essential genetic-mutation inducing toxic chemical -We would never give a double meaning to the word “meat” -www.Spam.com would be nothing more than a child-pornography website -Life would cease to exist (metaphorically) -Cigarettes would be the only addictive, cancer-causing, FDA-approved sub stance legally available to U.S. citizens “And in slapping thy cheek with -Hot Dogs would be THE most mysterious “meat” out there thy tasty meats.....it is He. It is -Vegetarians would have less reason to be vegetarian He.” -Lunch wouldn’t be “fun” Mathew 3:12 -You Would not be readin’ the following, taken from their SPAM.com’s Fan Club page: Be one of us. Do it now. You sent us photos. You wrote touching stories. You came up with tasty recipes. And more. Why, the only thing left for us to do was organize a fan club. And so for just $15 a year, you can join us. You’ll have a front row seat for a lot of fun and cool stuff. For instance, this year’s membership kit includes: The Official SPAM Fan Club T-shirt. Not just any SPAM T-shirt, mind you. This one’s for members only. The Official SPAM Fan Club membership certificate. The Official SPAM Fan Club membership card. You’ll have fun showing this off to your buddies. Go To SPAM.com for useful hints on recipes, fun prizes, and links to various other animal-rights organizations. 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123

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Girls who 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 Do not count me out. Oh, Henderson... 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 won’t give it up. 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You never were 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 really no point to waiting until marriage to 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 Additionally, A man at all. 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 A black man’s wang, 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 A small jar of steamy urine, have sex. If you are, you are putting a 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 hell of a lot of faith in your choice of 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 Is lodged in my anus. Is all you are. 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 husband. I think that’s why more men 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 It’s time to spooge, HENDERSON!!!!! 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 are into premarital sex than women. 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 My African prince. 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 Women have this notion that whoever 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 they marry will be the perfect man for 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 them and will satisfy them in any way. 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 Fat chance of that happening. The real 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 An outerspace love adventure. 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 odds are that even if you do find a guy 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 An innerspace romance. 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 When I think about 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 who loves you to death and is emotionally 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 Three weeks with you, Beating the fuck out of Larry, 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 perfect for you, he won’t be able to fuck 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 And my head is in orbit. 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 That’s when I’m glad. 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 worth a damn, and within five years you’ll 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 It is sad but true, Fuck you Larry. 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 either be cheating on him with somebody 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 My feelings for you. 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 You’re a fatso. 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 who treats you like shit but CAN fuck, or 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 It is sad but true, 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 Pork in your mouth, 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 you’ll have blown your life savings on 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 That I was molested last tuesday. Fork in your eye. 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 batteries for your numerous and expensive 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 By an Irish hobo? 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 dildos. So, how stupid will you look 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 Roy was his name. 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 waiting your whole life for an orgasm and 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 then hitching yourself to some guy who’s 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 never heard of one, much less know how 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 to give a woman one. Oh, and if you’re 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 The love we share, Mario’s the name, 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 listening to your other virginal (or maybe 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 Too much to bear. 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 Of my latest flame. even not) friends who say that sex is not 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 The ones who care, He’s the Italian stallion, 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 that big of a deal, DON’T LISTEN TO 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 Can’t find ‘em anywhere. Who wears my medallion. 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 THEM! Lemme tell you about these 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 And thus I’m a big dyke. 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 Sadly I’m ashamed, people. They are either so ugly that no 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 My mouth so full Because just like Cory Haim, 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 conscious human being would have 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 He’s impotent. Of sloppy roast beef vagina. anything to do with them, or they had sex 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 Soft is ye’ penis, 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 with a lame-ass pencil dick who had no 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 Which blows in the wind. 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 chance of making them cum. See what I 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 mean? Anyone who has had good sex has 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 it often, or at least they want to. If you or 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 Fact! 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 anybody you know says that sex is lame, The tears in my eyes 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 THEY HAVE NOT BEEN DOING IT 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 Fact! 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 RIGHT. If you are a woman and think See me lay down and die. 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 that, come find me. I’ll set you straight. Fact! 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 But if you take nothing else from 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 Maybe I never loved you! 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 this, remember girls. Please, Please Fallacy? 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 spread those legs for somebody. In the My dong is tiny. 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 end it just might make Rutgers a better FACT!! 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 place to live. My dong is tiny! 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123

The Medium Poetry Corner The Countess

Henderson!!

by Quentin L. Morrow

by Griffin Marquade

The Uselessness of Chastity .............Or The Importance of being a Slut

By Johnny Taurus

Rings of Saturn

by H. Herbert Donald

The Benevolent Miss Goodrich by Erin O’Grady

The Explosion

Conceptual Aftermath

by Marc Almond

by S. Rachel Marceau

FEATURES

PRECEPTORS ENJOY SMALL WEE-WEES by: The Writer’s Block Hey guys! Do you like preceptors? Well, I don’t. You know why, because they like to look at pictures of baby calves and touch themselves. No, not really, but they are stupid that’s why I don’t like them. Here is a example of my recent conversation with one such preceptor. I can’t say his It would be improbable to think name so let’s just call him that a baby calf could fit into a Steven A. Davidson. regularly sized pair of pants. ME: Hey Steven, can I get The same could be said of a big, one of those pictures of greasy fatso. those baby calves you have? STEVEN: Yes. ME: I was just kidding man. You don’t really have those pictures do you? STEVEN: Yes. ME: Um.So, are you old enough to like buy beer? STEVEN: Yes. ME: Yeah, can you like buy me some then? STEVEN: Yes. ME: Are you joking with me or are you like serious? STEVEN: Yes. ME: What? Wait a minute, is that all that you say? STEVEN: Yes. ME: The fuck? What the hell is wrong with you. Like what is your chronic malfunction? Are you like O.K.? STEVEN: Yes. ME: Are you gay? STEVEN: Yes. ME: Did you ever fuck your mom? STEVEN: Yes. ME: Spell “Jesus”. STEVEN: Yes. ME: Man, fuck you and your baby calve! STEVEN: Whoa, motherfucker don’t you go near my baby calves! ME: Holy shit, you can actually talk! Wow, this is interesting. So wait can you like really spell too? STEVEN: Yes. ME: O.K. then spell “I cup”. STEVEN: O.K. I-C-U-P, wait a minute. ME: Hahahahahaha.. You suck, I hope you die a horrible, horrible death and I hope that your children will practice incest in the future. STEVEN: Your mother. ME: No, your baby calves. STEVEN: Yes. See, preceptors are really not the “hippest” or “smartest” around. Well I gotta go, I have to go masturbate to a picture of a baby calf. P.n.: No actual baby calves were molested during this conversation. However, during this conversation two Canadians did die a horrible, horrible death and their kids practice incest.

Next week in The Medium: Phil Collins, his evil twin brother Jerry, and the woman who loves them both.

Fact or Fallacy? by Ian McBride

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7

4/3/01, 2:15 AM

submit articles to: gmg42@yahoo.com

ARTS

“You promised me heaven and put me through hell.”

meets by Minus and Candy

“Then his hands traveled up my short plaid skirt toward my little Catholic panties…” Yawn. Candy was starting to get tired of hearing about Michelle’s endless somnambular exploits. The beautiful tension that characterized their cat-and-mouse game was starting to wane, and she was just feeling frustrated. She poked at the tasteless food before her and feigned interest in Michelle’s latest tale about a guy, a girl, and a very naughty headmistress in a Catholic boarding school. Nodding her head and making eye contact, those little tricks people learn in order to appear like they are listening, she noticed something bobbing at the fringes of her vision. Bouncing, exuberantly… what could that be? Candy refocused on the space beside Michelle’s head. Those hips, those tits, that hair! Who is she? She was taller than average and had short blonde hair. She strode confidently on incredibly gorgeous legs, and her toned muscles showed lightly through her thin blouse. “Candy, are you even listening to me?” Michelle said indignantly. She sat down at the table across from us. She had three books, one on nuclear physics, one on Artificial intelligence, and one on Spatial Displacement. Candy recognized those breasts, err, texts: I know her! That’s the girl from my physics class, maybe she can help me prepare for that exam…. “Candy, what’s up with you today?” Michelle looked angry, and a little hurt. “Are you ignoring me for some reason?” “No Michelle, I’m sorry. I’m just worried about, um, this exam I have in physics. I need to meet with someone to study, and she’s here now, so I need to go.” Candy said, packing up her things. “Oh, oh well, then I guess I won’t get to play with you this afternoon. Are you sure you don’t want to come with me to my dorm?” Michelle figured Candy could not resist that invitation. On an ordinary day, Candy would come crawling over broken glass for this opportunity, but today it left her cold. “Nope, gotta study, bye!” Candy straightened herself out and headed over to the other table. What was her name? Bridget? Alyssa? Wait, I know it starts with an M, that big black stud she walks to class with calls her M. I don’t know who she is trying to fool. It’s obvious that guy’s in love with her but it’s also obvious she is such a dyke. MELISSA! That’s it. She walked over to where the physics cutie was sitting and introduced herself, but Melissa already knew who she was. “Hi Candy, are you ready for our exam? It’ll be easy; well, easy for me anyway. It’s really lucky we ran into each other.” She hesitated for a minute, like she was debating something in her head, then she blurted out the best news Candy had heard all day. “I do not understand why studying makes me so horny. I guess my body gets so bored I just have to have a girl or I’ll go nuts. I don’t even know why I study I know all of this stuff already.” Candy was floored. I thought I was the only one who got turned on by physics, but I guess not. Well, since she wasn’t shy, there was no reason for me to be. “I hope you don’t mind helping me, because I need to study a bit longer for this exam. I need a book from Alexander. Can we review stuff while we walk over?” She cocked her head to one side and smiled. Exam help and a quickie, I love Rutgers! Candy looked Melissa over while they walked. Her nipples were hard and it was not cold outside. She was ready for me before I even started, Candy thought. Melissa was wrapped in her own thoughts: “God, I have wanted Candy since I first saw her. I figured she was bi, but I couldn’t be sure. I guess I’m going to find out for sure now. I know a corner

down in the Stacks were no one will find us. It’s been so long since I seduced a girl in public…what kind of Iron Dyke can’t get a quick lay every now and then?” Deep in the bowels of Alexander they went, Melissa knew a perfectly secluded spot. They did study, for about 5 minutes...five minutes of Melissa running her foot up and down Candy’s bare legs. Candy’s pencil fell to the floor and rolled between her feet. “Melissa, could you get my pencil for me?” She knew perfectly well that I was wearing a skirt, I wonder if she knew I wore no panties? Melissa disappeared behind the table ledge, dropping to her knees to crawl under the table. Candy felt warm breath against her bare legs as Melissa retrieved the pencil from between her feet. With her head conveniently positioned between Candy’s knees, Melissa couldn’t resist putting her powers to work. I’ll make this girl cum so hard, she’ll never want a man again! Melissa turned and brushed her lips against the inside of Candy’s knee. She could feel the tremors traveling through her intended victim’s body, as Candy slouched in her chair. Melissa ran her hands up Candy’s legs, over her knees and along the insides of her thighs. Candy’s pussy radiated warmth. Damn girl, I’m just getting started, Melissa thought. Maybe friction and torque did more for Candy than I had thought. Candy, meanwhile, tried to keep seated. There was nothing to keep her from scooting under the table with Melissa, except for the threat of rugburns. Candy felt Melissa’s fingertips brush lightly over her fuzzy mound. One finger slid past her swelling labia and into her moist yoni. Melissa spun her wet finger around the folds and layers of Candy’s pussy, teasing the sides of her clit. On the third lap, Melissa sent two fingers to probe Candy’s moist depths. Panting, Candy writhed with pleasure she could not voice (because it’s the library, you have to be quiet!). Melissa could sense her prey’s quickening heartbeat, and decided to move in for the kill. Her hands pushed aside Candy’s thighs to make way for Melissa’s agile tongue. She dove face first into Candy, her eagerness overtaking her patience. She lapped hungrily at her twat as if Candy’s juices were the cure for old age. She rapidly ran her tongue up and down her crack, fingering her to ensure that the river of sweetwater kept flowing. Candy was having a hard time controlling herself now. She had not expected Melissa to be this good. “She’s like some kind of Super Dyke or something.” Melissa started to do a move that Johnny taught her. Though she would never admit to it, Captain Hetero did know a thing or two about eating vagina. Though it took phenomenal concentration, Melissa wrapped her tongue around Candy’s clit like a Boa Constrictor, and then rhythmically squeezed in time with her thrusting fingers. Melissa wanted cum and she wanted it now. After a few seconds, (and really, no girl could last through too much of this), Candy screamed OH GOOD GOD DAMN! The librarian two stacks over dropped all the books she was carrying. Melissa got up quickly and hit her head on the table. Candy tried pulling herself together, but was very dizzy from cumming so hard. She tripped over Melissa and fell face first into the carpet. Melissa helped her up and they gathered their books and ran for the elevator. “So, back to my place?” Melissa asked, panting and wiping her mouth. Candy winced, “Although I’d love to return the favor, I’m late for class, how about later tonight?” “Okay, I’ll have time to get my present ready for you,” Melissa said mysteriously. Candy bolted from the elevator and headed to class wondering what Melissa had in store.

Bumping Uglies 8

THE HETERO QORNER OF THE MEDIUM Advanced Techniques;Breast Wishes by John Minus Ok, I think I may have finally spent enough time talking about oral sex. But I’m not done yet, not by a long shot. This next part is not technically in the Kama Sutra, it’s all from me. You see a woman is a lot more than just pussy and ass. She’s tits too. Ahh breasts; proof that there is a God and he likes us. Is there really anything more wonderful in the world more wonderful than a nice pair of breasts? No, clearly not The thing is it’s a lot easier to turn some people on by going to other places on their body besides their genitals. I know a few girls who really like having their tits sucked. Only if it is done right that is. Guys have to understand that a woman’s breasts are incredibly sensitive places for the most part, and they do not take kindly to having them abused. Then again, there are some women who do like to have them abused. Every woman is different, and the key to getting invited back for a return performance after the random hook-up is figuring out what the girl in front of you likes. It’s actually really easy, woman are usually pretty vocal when it comes to their breasts. If you are doing something right they will moan and squirm and maybe even purr a little. That is your cue to keep doing what you are doing. I’d suggest if you’re going at a pair of unfamiliar tits, be gentle at first. A lot of tongue work and some gentle suction works wonders. Lightly tickle her nipples with your tongue, and suck on them just enough to get them hard. Also be aware that you don’t always have to dive right for the target. Women like to be teased a little. Kiss the rest of the breast before you get to the most sensitive part. Have fun with the aureoles, they are especially nice spots to use your tongue on. I can’t describe it…they’re just nice. Then you can go for the nipples. When you were a baby, your mother shut up your crying by shoving a nipple in your mouth. What women fail to understand is that that never ceases to be effective on men. If your guys is bitching and moaning, throw a tit in his mouth; he’ll shut up right quick. Now like I said before there are some “I-like-itrough” types out there. They like their nipples to be bitten and pulled, usually softly but sometimes hard, and sometimes REALLY hard. Make sure to always do things not hard enough. You can always bite harder, but if you bite too hard you may get thrown out of bed. If you’re like me you’ll know when you’ve got it just right. Just like Goldilocks, all girls like it just right. Just do like I said before, listen to your woman. If she yells “THAT’S IT BITCH!” you may have gotten the pressure just right. I’ve heard of girls who like to suck their man’s nipples. This seemed pretty strange to me for a while, but it does feel kinda good. But girls, when doing this you really have to be more gentle than even a guy would be to you. There are not a lot of guys who have strong enough egos to handle being relegated to the bitch role, so go easy on them. Me, I like aggressive women, but I guess that’s just me. Hm…I guess that’s enough foreplay for now. Next week we get to the really good stuff…

To Be Continued…

Submit articles to hardcandy@wildmail.com

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Wednesday, October 32nd, 2000

4/3/01, 2:16 AM

Stop making me look like an asshole

No! Please don t kiss me like Tipper!

Wednesday, November 1st, 2000 To the cheerleader guy with both ears pierced from my law and politics class who always sits next to the kid with the sweaters. You seem cool, and good lookin. I'd like to get to know you. E-mail me sometime at vupinekit@earthlink.net To all you fucking voters for Ralph Nader. GET A FUCKING CLUE! He isn't going to win the election. If you think that you're making a statement by having 3% of those voting vote for him, you need to write Webster's and update the goddamn dictionary. Speaking of Dicks...What more does your candidate do than rat out on companies? And I'm sick and tired of your fucking propaganda everywhere on campus. Who the hell is LaDuke? Someone tell me about that bastard. I'm sure as hell not voting for someone who won't tell me anything about his bed partner. Let's face it..your candidate is not going to win. You're wasting your time, our walls, and my eyes. (Shut the fuck up you stupid jerk. If people want to vote for Nader than that is none of your fucking business. Just cause his platform consists of issues that are just not made to the public’s attention, does not mean that what he stands for is not worth being heard. There’s virtually no difference between the bulk of the platform of Bush and Gore aside from a few moral issues such as abortion. So if people actually want a real option aside from the sickeningly similar two than let them vote for Nader. Jerk!) To those 2 fucking dothead cum lickers that work at the RUCS. Learn to stop babbling away in that donkey language while I am working or I will assrape you until my dick smells like curry. So just shut up and suck each others tiny dicks or in the next life you'll be a cow that I kill and whose meat a retarded Brower worker ejaculates into. (Shutup! Shutup! Shutup!)

Medium-11-1-00.p65

9

Which saint was it that helps you remember things?

This goes out to that fucking queer ass Spellmeyer...you're an asshole who should be shot repeatedly, stuffed in a garbage bag and tossed into the incinerator. No one would miss you, no one cares about you. Do the human population a favor and kill yourself, drink some rat poison, jump in front of a slow moving construction vehicle. I hope you're insides fall apart and get cancer...so you suffer so much you cry for a year and then die cause you're to weak to think of a single thought, not that it matters anyway. Fuck you asshole...and then fuck you again. Abortion should be legal just so stupid ass fucks like you can never exist, i hope you die. Suck your own dick cause no one else would do it for you, even for money. Fuck you bitch...i hope you die soon.

to my fucking ass queer roommate Stan, you are so fucking gay. i hate your faggot ass. i bet you like sucking man-cock all dya long. I bet that’s exactly what you would like to do? Ain’t it, queer? God, you’re such a fag and i hate you so much for being such a bacwards disgusting freak! why are you so hot! fuck!

To Joe B. in my TTh 5 class in Hickman...You are the most beautiful freshman boy on all of Rutgers!! I sit and stare at you in class, and dream of the day in which I will feel your sweetness inside me. I long for your beautiful face to be pressed against my wet pussy, eating me out until I scream....Oh, how I love to daydream...=)

To my dearest Scott, I just want to thank you for being there for me in my time of need...need of a blowjob! You are the best gay friend a gay person could ever have! Luvin’ your blowjobs always - Grandmaster Cockplayer! P.S. See you in the pit!

To that girl by the bus stop at the grease trucks around MTH3 with the big fat ass titties! your tits are so fat i wanna suck em dry, baby the way you move that ass up and down i just want to try, your tits are so fucking huge oh my god all i want to do is spuge, yeah all over them fat tits, i wana to that hot guy in my Comm. take a shit and then tittyfuck 102 MW7 with that rocky you again, all chicago style as balboa professor, god i wanna hell! i want to fuck you square fuck your brains out, i’m not in the ass you large breasted even sure if your gay or any- biotch! Big up to the rest of thing but im so absolutely hot Katzenbach! It's the best shack for you - god i wish i might i I JUST WANT TO SAY where mad ladies got mac, and wish i could f the living shit out HAHAHAHAHA TO ALL them other buildings are of you. im serious about this, YOU FUCKING SCRUB whack! Full of envy cuz they see if you can find me in class ASS METS FANS OUT lack class, so they can just kiss ill be looking at you all period! THERE! WE FUCKING our ass. For the one who wants WON YOU PATHETIC ANY GUYS OUT THERE to violate me, can't we just live LOSERS! WHY DID YOU in harmony! Please spare me LOOKING FOR SOME EVEN THINK YOU EVER HOT GAY FUCK ACTION of your nasty fantasy! HAD A CHANCE! TOO TO THE MAX? THREEBAD EW LET YOU WIN How about them Yankees? SOMES ONLY WITH MEN THAT ONE GAME. Thank you Met fans for letting INVOLVED DOUBLE FUCKING LOSERS WILL us shit all over you while you ANAL PENETRATION? PROBABLY GROW UP IN continued to talk your fucking DOES AS MUCH MAN- LIFE TO JUST FAIL AS mouth off. Let us all take our ASS AS POSSIBLE YOU JUST DID IN THIS time to acknowlegde Armando SOUND GOOD TO YOU. WORLD SERIES. FUCK Benitez as arguably the great- NO WUSSIES ONLY REAL ALL OF YOU est postseaosn relief pitcher HARD BUTCH MEN NEED ever! Maybe if your fucking APPLY. REPLY VIA TO (Please refer to the Personcoach didn't let Leiter go 140+, HOT HARD HORNY als Editor reply, last entry you could have let us win it at BUTCH GAY MAN FOR two columns over. Lick balls the Stadium. Nice baserunning, BARE ASS FONDLING and furthermore fuck you and go fuck yourself. (Oh yeah, VIA THE MEDIUM too, jerk). Bob's gay Gotcha $$$$) is there anything wrong with to my ugly mother stop having (Perhaps you should be trying to look under your sex with me in the buitt with thanking the Yankees for giv- roommates covers while he’s your huge thick ass strap on ing you something to add to sleeping? or sometimes even cock with dual ebony head and your vapid identity. Like you trying to touch he’s roly sack multi-ball swing-a-ding action, accomplished anything you when it hangs out of his boxers the shit’s killing me! literally, i fucking moron! You didn’t do while he’s sleeping? me and really am dying! shit so I don’t know what the my roommate get along really fuck you could be so fucking well, but he’s like a serious jock i remember one of my toilets proud of! Perhaps if you ac- type and i doubt if he’s into telling me to go away. what the tually did something of value anything like that, but i dont hell is that shit all about when in your life ever, you think that im gay or anything im you can go outside and buy wouldn’t need to attach your- just a little curious, is this violence for a quareter with the self to the Yankees in order wrong? meter running and my rhythm to catch a glimpse of (I put all the gay personals running dry. jerks abound unite achievement). in this column). and take over!

4/3/01, 2:16 AM

PERSONALS if you would tell me that i was some prositute for a second i would think, hey you DO have to pay for this sex that we’re having despite how much i love it. god i love my work, cum and fuk me in my sweet petite asshole for a low low rate, so low that i cant mention it here in front of all of you why do all jerks have jerks for friends? why am i alive? i hate you! fuck you, fuck all of this shit, you’re stupid just like everyone else, you come in packs, you jerks. did i say Turks? no i don’t think i did, i think i said jerks and thats exactly what you are, and might i add that all of your friends are jerks too, for as the moral of this story happens to be, its that jerks stick together, they live together, mate together, and die together. on occassion they have been known to eat with each, but im already dead so how can i be saying all of this. my gun is loaded but all my friends are all already dead. too bad they were jerks, no one appreciates a good jerk like they used to back in the day...back in the day To those two sick ass blonde sluts on clothier, you’re are sick twisted sluts, i bet you hob nob every schlong that is on our fucking floor, even including mine when i wasn’t looking. Fuck! that probably means i got one of your many diseases from one of your many infestations from one of your many fuck fests with every guy you meet! You are so disgusting i cant believe that people like you are allowed to exist, you fucking whores, yeah thats exactly what you’ll grow up to be, fucking whores!! how does it feel knowing that you probably spend 58% of your entire life sucking dick, thats especially sad considering that people sleep for around 30% of their lives. You are so dirty i bet your vermin falls out of your pussy because there is no room left in there due to overpopulation, you are also a bit chunky so keep that in mind while sucking your next three million dicks, in a row!

not the

PERSONALS

Elephants Unite!

Wednesday, November 1st, 2000

How To Write For The Medium

1) Think of an idea. Any idea. Anything at all. We need submissions, and we really aren t very creative. You might be creative. Might. 2) Write an article based on that idea. Try to make it coherent. Preferably in English. And attempt to keep on topic. There is little worse than a rambling incoherent French article. Especially for me. I get very angry when I read French. 3) Submit the article to The Medium. There are several ways to go about this. One is to bring it with you, preferably in some sort of digital format (that is, on a disk or something), to a meeting. They occur on a fairly regular basis, at 9:30 PM on Wednesday s in the Livingston Student Center, room 113. Another is to email it to one of the section editors. Try to pick the most related section. Their email addresses will close out this How To. You could also submit an article is by dropping it off in our office, SAC Cubicle N, or in a campus mailbox aimed at SAC Box 78. 4) Read your article in print. Hooray! You re a journalist. Or something. Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Opinions Editor News Editor GMG Editor Arts Editor Personals Editors

What s Shakin Editor Staff Artist Online Editor Advertising Manager Senior Editor

naziphallus@hotmail.com jsp51@eden.rutgers.edu hthomp@home.com desarnoc@eden.rutgers.edu mgryan@eden.rutgers.edu gmg42@yahoo.com hardcandy@wildmail.com jsp51@eden.rutgers.edu mmolino@eden.rutgers.edu stubby103@hotmail.com elastic17@aol.com mmolino@eden.rutgers.edu agroark@eden.rutgers.edu gmg42@yahoo.com

Stone Temple Pilots, Elegant Bachelors

Official Correction

Two issues ago, The Medium reported that OutKast and barbuda would be playing on either October 27th or October 28th. These dates have come and gone, and to James Haggardy, the only individual to have believed The Medium with enough certainty to have spent the entirety of these two days outside the Rutgers Athletic Center on Livingston Campus, we extend our most heartfelt apology. We were mistaken. We did not make a sincere attempt to verify the truth of the statements given during an LCGA meeting on the Monday immediately prior to the publication date by a University Senate student liaison. In the future we shall try harder to give the correct information. Without further ado, the corrected information: PISCATAWAY--OutKast, the Atlanta-based rap duo of Big Boi and Andre 3000 (formerly known as Dre), is scheduled to play as part of MTV s Rock the Vote on this Saturday, November 4th, 2000, with local groove-funk-etc. sensation barbuda in the Rutgers Athletic Center. The show will cost nothing. MTV is footing the bill. They may, however, subject you to long drawn out lectures on voting and why it is important. See page two for more information. --Christopher Taylor

Hobo Sitting With Rolled-Up Copy of The Medium, Circa 1927

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10

4/3/01, 2:16 AM

Wednesday, November 1st, 2000

Satan slept with your mother last night. And I helped.

PERSONALS

Masturbating and Crying A touching issue ignored by most of the media, covered extensively in a very special The Medium election issue next week. Don t just make an informed decision, make an inordinate one! Oh God, the heavenly Shame! Send us your personals or else eat a fat cock. Naw jus kiddin there ol friend. Seriously though, why don t you get up off your behind, go to the nearet computer with e-mail capability, and drop us a personal or two. It truly would be the nice thing to do. This is of course unless your personal(s) is/ are mean to whom the personal(s) is/ are regarding. But this don t matter, eh ol chum? In the end it s only you and me who count and you re secret is safe with me. So don t worry and be a sport, send your ol pals here some personals. Forever in your gratitude! www.themedium.net www.themedium.net www.themedium.net www.themedium.net www.themedium.net

www.themedium.net www.themedium.net www.themedium.net www.themedium.net www.themedium.net www.themedium.net www.themedium.net www.themedium.net www.themedium.net www.themedium.net www.themedium.net www.themedium.net www.themedium.net www.themedium.net www.themedium.net www.themedium.net www.themedium.net

”The Medium made me laugh so www.themedium.net www.themedium.net www.themedium.net www.themedium.net www.themedium.net

hard I coughed out my grandmother!”

www.themedium.net www.themedium.net www.themedium.net www.themedium.net www.themedium.net www.themedium.net www.themedium.net www.themedium.net www.themedium.net www.themedium.net www.themedium.net www.themedium.net

www.themedium.net www.themedium.net www.themedium.net www.themedium.net www.themedium.net

mmolino@eden.rutgers.edu Send those personals to:

jsp51@eden.rutgers.edu Tired of Your Relationship? Well, Guess What: You re In Luck!

It s The Medium Singles Night Extravaganza!

That s right ladies and gents, The Medium invites you to an evening of excitement, enticement, and eroticizement. All you singles or single hopefuls can come to our meeting Wednesday Night 9:30 PM at the LSC Rm. 111. to meet your (m)other! Our icebreakers will give you the exposure and you can take it from there. Saucy!

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11

4/3/01, 2:16 AM

What s Shakin

You’re ugly!

Wednesday, November 1st, 2000

Birch Hill Entertainment Complex Route 9 South, Old Bridge (732) 536-0044 11/3 Raven, Hades 11/4 A, The Marvelous 3, Dynamite Hack 11/15 Face to Face, Gob

Local Band Night 11/2 Busch Campus Center Multipurpose Room 7:00 p.m. $2

123456789012345678901234567890121234 123456789012345678901234567890121234 123456789012345678901234567890121234 123456789012345678901234567890121234 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234 123456789012345678901234567890121234 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234 The Melody Bar 106 French St. 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234 123456789012345678901234567890121234 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234 123456789012345678901234567890121234 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234 (908) 249-3784 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234 123456789012345678901234567890121234 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234 Harvest Moon 239 George St. 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234 11/2 Set on Stun, Holy Sue 123456789012345678901234567890121234 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234 123456789012345678901234567890121234 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234 249-6666 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234 11/4 National Acrobat, Old Man 123456789012345678901234567890121234 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234 123456789012345678901234567890121234 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234 Gloom 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234 11/1 Little T and One Track 123456789012345678901234567890121234 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234 11/5 Captured by Robots, I Farm 123456789012345678901234567890121234 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234 Mike w/special guest 123456789012345678901234567890121234 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234 11/9 Driver, Jel 123456789012345678901234567890121234 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234 Ben Kweller (courtesy of Island 123456789012345678901234567890121234 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234 11/16 Betty Ford 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234 123456789012345678901234567890121234 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234 123456789012345678901234567890121234 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234 Records) 10:00 p.m. 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234

11/6 Secret Sound

Well, I m sure you all missed me last week, but I know enjoyed some manass in the paper for a change! You re probably wondering why there are so many goats on this page, that s because I love them, and so should you. Also, this paper will come out on the eve of my 21st birthday, November 2, 2000. If you can find me in one of the New Brunswick bars between 11:00 p.m. and 2 a.m. you can win a prize. I am female, I have hair, disproportional limbs, and I wear T-shirts sometimes. Ask for Stubby get a prize. Send all birthday presents, goat porn, and events to stubby103@hotmail.com.

Does your goat obsession call for therapy? Come to a Medium Meeting! Wednesdays @ 9:30 p.m. LSC Room 111 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234 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New York, NY 11/2 Maldita, Vecindad Irving Plaza 11/2 New Deal, Next Tribe, UV Ray Wetlands 11/3 311, Zebrahead Roseland 11/3 Alpha Kilo, Donny Brook Fair, Double Barrel, EightBall, Kill by Inches, Plastique, Van Gogh s Radio CBGB s 11/4 Corky Freak, Eyan, Dan Cazio & the NY Blue Book, Kharma Zhu, Soul Alone The Bitter End 11/4 Amfibian, BD Lenz, Liqwid, The Saras Wetlands 11/5 DJ Deep Dish, Everlast, Madonna Roseland 11/10 Disco Biscuits Irving Plaza 11/10 Simi CBGB s 11/10 Bigger than a Bread Basket, Lourds, Mary Connelly Band, Shesus, The Coopers, The Huge, The Thrill Cycle Arlene Grocery 11/11 Homocorps CBGB s 11/11 Antigone Rising, Chapter in Verse The Bitter End 11/12 Foo Fighters, Queens of the Stone Age Roseland

Medium-11-1-00.p65

12

Comedy Club Night 11/3 Busch Campus Center Multipurpose Room 8:00 p.m. FREE!!

Election Events 11/1 Presidential Election Teach in Voorhees Room 105 9:30 p.m. 11/1 Forum on Election 2000 Paul Robeson Cultural Center Busch Campus 9:00 p.m.

I m pretty!!

4/3/01, 2:16 AM