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NOVEMBER 18th 2015
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RUTGERS DECLARES DANGER-SPACES BY SAMSUNG LIFE COACH/EDITOR
P I S C ATAWAY — A m i d s t controversy at Yale University over several professors speaking out against groups of students who demand the campus be a safe-space for the various minorities at Yale, Rutgers University has decided to open up several “Danger-Spaces” to promote free speech and protect the constitutional rights of students. While safe-spaces are made to protect certain types of minorities from any uncomfortable, unwelcome, or unsafe discussion concerning sensitive topics, many oppose the existence of such places undermine free speech at academic institutions. Wednesday morning, President Barchi released an announcement that several popular locations at Rutgers University will promote free speech and be declared “Danger-Spaces.” They will serve to protect all forms of hatespeech, violent expression, and general douchebaggery. Over the past few months, Mettler
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Charlie Sheen Tests Positive for HIV from Tiger Blood "FUCK YOU [SIC]!" The Danger Space Initiative used this banner to promote its preservation of bigotry, intolerence, and racial slurs among students in the University. Many students, especially pent-up social fraternities, have reacted very positively to the new Danger Spaces, scheduling many of their chapter meetings there.
Hall served as a trial for one of these Danger-Spaces and after the recent stabbing, President Barchi decided to move forward with opening more locations. “I’m very pleased with the results in Mettler Hall,” said President Barchi. “Not only do students feel comfortable expressing their hate verbally, but now they feel comfortable enough to express their hate
physically, too.” Danger-Spaces will also be opening at the following locations: Livingston – Beck Hall basement, Busch – Third floor of the Library of Science and Medicine, and Cook/Douglass – Dudley’s. Each Danger-Space specializes in a different form of expression. For example, the third floor of the LSM, currently Continued on Page 2
Mall Charges Fifty Dollars for Santathemed Lap Dance Red Solo Cup Preemptively Prints Bloody Jesus and Smiling Santa
Limited-Edition Monsanto Barbie Dolls Sell Out
BY PUALIE VALENTINE BONER ENTHUSIAST
ST. LOUIS, M.O.—Monsanto, notorious dictator of advertising on network television, has sold out of its limited edition Barbie doll. The Barbie, all named Carol now, has been a hit with children of executives at every major television network. This is all part of a campaign to brainwash the next generation of children to support seemly natural chemical companies. “We never predicted this kind of cross-brand success,” said corporate brand lead, Jessica Simmons. “We set out to advertise in an extremely manipulative way, and fostering allegiances by creating
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childhood memories with our brand logos and products really is a game-changer.” Collaboration between Mattel and Monsanto began once the major toy company renegotiated their contract for Polystyrene-co-acrylonitrile, a chemical used in the production of Barbie's plastic form. A letter obtained exclusively by The Medium points out some playful language. “Don’t you FUCKING DARE import those chemicals from those lo mein fucks. If you do, we will attack you and your families with chemical weapons that make Zyklon B look like a fart.” The product line is a set Continued on Page 2