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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
November 16, 2011
Volume xliI Issue X
NAUGHTY BITS
U INVESTIGATION UNCOVERS GREG SCHIANO SEX DUNGEON BY SUM DUM JOO NEWS EDITOR
NEW BRUNSWICK—After much media publicity following the recent scandal at Pennsylvania State University, where the football team's defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky was indicted last week for sexually assaulting several underage males, the university launched a thorough investigation into any possible illegal actions committed by the Rutgers football team and its staff. "Really, it was to cover all bases," said Director of Athletics Tim Liu. "We wanted to make sure that nobody was hiding anything. We didn't expect to discover what we found." What had been allocated as a "training area" deep in the infrastructure of High Points Solution Stadium was actually being used by Head Coach Greg Schiano to commit various acts of hedonistic sexual behavior.
QUICKSTERS
Creative writing student considers himself 'most goodest' of entire class
“I think my prose in relation to my colloquial vernacular is totally rad!”
ENDURANCE BUILDING EQUPIMENT Mohammed Sanu was found crying in a nearby corner in a gimp mask
"So far, we've recovered 30 pounds of assorted whips and chains, as well as several blindfolds and leather accessories," said Liu. "We also found something called a 'Slamwrench™.'" With an official statement released by Schiano's media management team confirming the ownership of what he had dubbed 'The Tight End Lounge,'
many feared massive action from students similar to the riots that occurred when Penn State coach Joe Paterno was terminated from his post last week. "We mobilized half the force," said RUPD Police Liutenant Lauren Wilkins. "But we kind of just stood on College Avenue collecting overtime. Nobody really seemed to care."
SOME GOOD OL' FASHIONED FOOD
Alumni Opens Throwback Restaurant BY KILLA WHALE FEATURES EDITOR
EAST BRUNSWICK—The gimmick restaurant, ’60 Alabama, had its grand opening last weekend despite an overwhelming lack of support for its southern-mentality theme. Restaurant owner Hank Sweeney, 28, is hoping that patrons will find the establishment’s tremendously racist theme to be educational. “I’m not looking to piss people off really but I just think history is very important, and I’m very proud of this country’s history,” said Sweeney. Sweeney graduated Rutgers University in 2006 with a Bachelor’s Degree in History which he used to justify opening ’60 Alabama. Last Saturday, doors opened for lunch at 11:00 AM but only six customers were served, all of which came dressed in plaid shirts, overalls, and work boots. One man was even seen carrying a shotgun into the restaurant.
50¢
Somerset Diner wastes one ton of cole slaw yearly Added to their yearly pickle expenses, there is much incentive to change their habits in terms of side dish distribution management.
RUPD cracks down on underage drinking, 65% of Rutgers University arrested " Seems like the only underage students we didn't arrest were a bunch of Asians who were sleeping in Alexander...."
NJ Devils hold bake sale "But don't draw conclusions out of this; we're in great financial shape," declared team owner Jeff Vanderbeek, before driving a truck full of empty pop cans to a Pearl River, NY 7-Eleven.
GET YER FIXINS' Despite the outward appearance, the tablecloths are extremely white...
Customer Ryan Buhler said, “I ordered the Confederate Burger, overall pretty good. The napkins were pretty interesting too, had two holes in them like it was a mask of some kind.” African-Americans living
in the area are the least pleased with the restaurant’s “threatening appearance” and “distasteful principles.” The NAACP has filed a formal complaint with the governContinued on Page 2
Be prepared!
ESTABLISHED 1970
'Days without Hate' considered emotionally draining to participants
"How do I express my emotions about everything going on in my life. Better yet, how the hell can I write a personal? I hate this eve-. Oh, wait. FUCK!"