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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
November 13th, 2013
Volume XLVI Issue IX
NO ONE CAN REPLACE MY HERO
FIRST TRANSIT TO HOLD SPECIAL STAN LXTIONS BY SOME SHMUCK STAFF WRITER
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ– Late last week, First Transit announced the formal resignation of Stan McNeil, a longtime member of the Rutgers Community. The resignation of Stan, the most well known driver of the Rutgers bus fleet, brought much disappointment to those who rode his LX bus route. Stan was known for his motivational speeches, pep talks and hugs delivered to students riding between the College Avenue and Livingston campuses. “Stan was definitely an asset to our staff, and he will be missed,” said Stephen Jeffries, a spokesperson for First Transit, “but we must also look to the future. Stan did an important job around here, and we can't leave the position unfilled. Nobody
"NO ONE CAN REPLACE STAN!" The latest polls show Barbra Buono leading the pack, first time ever. Mike Rice is planning to throw a basketball at her head.
will ever be able to fill his shoes, find a new LX driver.” but somebody must carry Stan's Numerous individuals have torch. It is for this reason we will stepped up to comment on and be holding a special election to Continued on Page 2
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WHAT IS SEX?
Sex In Society Professor Unable to Give His Child “The Talk” BY RANDY BUTTERNUBS NEWS EDITOR
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ– Sources report that Rutgers Professor of Sexual Studies Carlo Fornicare is unable to tell his nine year old son about sex. Dr. Fornicare teaches Sex in Society every semester through the Sociology Department and is well versed in human sexuality and its pervasiveness in modern society. Despite his qualifications for sex education, Fornicare could only stall and using confusing metaphors, such as the “Birds and the Bees”, to explain where babies come from to his son Jayden. The bewildered child was then told to go to bed and stay off the internet for the rest of the night. Distraught over his son’s curiosity, Fornicare began to express his frustrations over the topic which he has published research on. “It’s so much easier to talk about this stuff with college students. I don’t even need
"THESE ARE THE MARKINGS OF A TRUE MAN" Professor Fornicare teaching his son about anything but sex.
to teach the class, they know more than me already! During one class, I had to google what ‘snowballing’ is. How can I tell my kid that?” Reporters spoke to the young Jayden at his local elementary school, where he gave his side of the story. “Well, I saw Mrs. McGuire’s dogs doing something weird. I think they were fighting. And then she told my mom that they were going to have puppies. I asked my
dad where do babies come from, and he said when a bird stings a bee, the bird lays eggs, and that where babies come from. But at school, I heard that bees die when they sting, does that mean my dad is gonna die? I mean, he keeps saying that mom is sucking the life from him.” Jayden continued to elaborate on his confusions, but the interview was cut short when reporters were arrested under suspicion of child predation.
Making Freshman Giggle SInce 1970
Michelle Obama Speaks about the Importance of Getting Eaten Out Native American Students Lost Their Reservation at the Livingston Student Center Student Rescues Case of Beer From House Fire, Then Kills It Mike Rice Speaks About Coaching 8 Year Olds