October 4, 2017 Issue

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INSTA: @themediumRU

october 4th, 2017

Volume LIV Issue IV 50¢ PROFESSOR CONGENIALITY

R u tg e r s to h o n o r Hugh Hefner with Lewd M ag a z i n e o f p r o f e s s o r s SUE DENIM gal that fucks

NEW BRUNSWICK— I n light of the recent news of the passing of Playboy founder Hugh Hefner, Rutgers University has decided to honor Hefner’s memory with a magazine of naked professors. Hefner died Wednesday night at the age of 91, surrounded by friends and loved ones in his mansion full of models. After hearing this tragic news, Rutgers University board members, including President Robert Barchi, met to discuss how the University should handle the death.

“We were thinking of how we could possibly honor the life of such a distinguished and admirable American leader, and came to the conclusion that the best way to keep his memory alive would be to keep

In loving mammaries Rutgers Magazine features plenty of good reading material

the spirit of Playboy alive. That is why we will now be issuing our own monthly magazine of naked Rutgers professors” said Barchi in an official University statement.

Rutgers has reached out to

many professors to ask for their participation, and the invitations have been met with surprising enthusiasm. “ I think it’s just a great way to celebrate the life of such a brilliant Continued on Page 2

PUERTO RICAN'T

QUICKIES

Tom Petty Fucking Dies?

Terrorist surprised when he wakes up in Virgin Islands Article on Procrastination Comes out in 6 Weeks Where is Our Opioid Epidemic?

TRUMP BANS CITIZENS OF Love Story: PUERTO RICO LABELING THEM Upper AS 'SECOND CLASS MEXICANS' Class

The Ghosts of the Founding Fathers loves AR15's

WASHINGTON— In the latest natural devastation

that is Hurricane Maria, President Trump is taking quick precautions to prevent all the Puerto Rican refugees from coming into mainland United States. “We don’t want these island Mexicans to come to our

country and take our jobs. We don’t want their salsa music and bad English to infect our airwaves”. Trump’s proposed wall wouldn’t just be a metal fence with barbed wires. It would be “a fully armored fortress complete with neoNazi’s, klansman and very fine people on both sides” armed with Tiki torches securing the parameters. All groups will also be unionized and are guaranteed vouchers for burritos or soft shelled tacos for every fortress hopper that they kill because fuck hard shelled tacos.

As Trump sent out his executive order, it was immediately shut down by Congress. Trump,

FUCKING UP Since 1970

Continued on Page 2

Kobe Steer Falls in Love with McDonalds Cow Trump to Give Las Vegas a Fucking Golf Trophy

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News

Wednesday, October 4th, 2017

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"I'm depressed Jacob"

WHAT COULD GO WRONG

NSO NO LONGER REQUIRED TO BE DRUG AND ALCOHOL FREE MIKE HAWK PELVIS SAFETY OFFICER

NEW BRUNSWICK— This past weekend, the administration at Rutgers just put out a statement that they would no longer require the new student orientations to be drug and alcohol free. In the past the NSO orientation leaders were tasked with being extremely vigilant to sniff out any parties or illegal activities amongst the newly appointed scarlet knights. Unfortunately, this has been greatly impacting the attendance to NSO. A previous poll determined that only about half of all incoming freshman here at Rutgers New Brunswick actually attend the new student orientation. In

THEY'RE TAKING OUR...

that one time at band camp: The assortment of refreshments that will become available to new students.

PLAYKNIGHT

PUERTO RICO

HUGH HEFNER

dumbfounded, went on a tweetstorm where called all Puerto Ricans “lame, tanned Floridians”. He then proceeded called meetings with all of his consultants to decide the most efficient way of denying help to the citizens of Puerto Rico.

As Trump continued his fit of rage, Hurricane Maria devastated mainland Puerto Rico. Since he could not find the support he needed for wall 2.0 he signed another executive order to take away the passports of every Puerto Rican on the island. Along with that, Trump also added Puerto Rico to the travel ban. Still being completely oblivious that Puerto Ricans are American citizens and cannot be banned from entering the mainland US, Trump is confident that this bill will pass in it’s entirety citing his past complete disregard of the law.

man”, said 51-year-old Anthropology professor Julie Russell, while posing nude around the Alexander Library flagpole.

Rutgers has promised payment of $200 to the teachers for each photo used in the magazine.

“As a tenured professor, money can get a little tight, so it’s nice to have an opportunity to make some cash on the side”, said 76-year-old Economics professor Howard Gurgich, while ass bent over his desk in front of flashing cameras.

Rutgers has since been meeting to decide who should run the magazine as editor-in-chief, anrd

...continued from front

Editorial Staff Spring 2017

Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot

Andrew Blustein Jake Goldstein Alex Hawley

Fratypus

an effort to improve morale and excitement amongst freshman, Rutgers will now be supplying students with free alcohol to every new student who brings ratio. The statement read "Any new student 18 years of age or older will be entitled to 8 shots of everclear."

This is expected to increase attendance to NSO by 25%. By next year we can be sure to no longer have freshman throwing up on the bus because they can't hold their liquor; proving this to be an effective method of truly preparing the future of America.

NEWS IN PICTURES ...continued from front

have already came to the decision to announce none other than athletic director Pat Hobbs, whom they believe will bring a certain spark to the position.

"I'm very excited to take this project under my belt.

I've always wanted to do more with the teaching staff here, so I'm happy to get some more intercourse with these professors" said Hobbs.

Hobbs projects that the magazine will make its money from production back in the first week, and will raise student morale. The magazine , to be called PlayKnight, will also feature peer-reviewed scientific articles, and will issue its first publication in

BLACK MAN BURNS DOWN THE YARD. WE KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

News Editors Michael Okolo Jordan Plaut Opinions Editor Marissa Schwartz Arts Editor Gavin Briggs-Perez Personals Editor Kevin McClintock A7 Editor Shaina Joseph Features Editor Rob Sanchez

Sports Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche

Dan Cretella Scott Hoberman Jake Goldstein Landen Naphtali William Field Fuck Penn State guy

The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 117-D of the Livingston Student Center at the Livingston Campus.

This week's issue is dedicated to the people of Las Vegas and Puerto Rico. Please, if you can, donate money or anything else. Hopefully some laughter can brighten your day.

Wednesday, October 4th, 2017 themedium.features@gmail.com

Features

“Apple didn’t produce the iPhone 9 because 7 8 9”

loathsome brute

the Medium

look what you made me jew

Top 10 Fictional Jews

1. Mr. Krabs 2. Kyle Broflovski 3. Boris Kropotkin 4. Morty Seinfeld (1st season) 5. Morty Seinfeld (the funnier one) 6. Ron Goldman 7. Carl Wheezer (probably, right?)

8. Jesus Christ (yes he was Jewish and yes he’s fake) 9. Anthony Goldstein 10. Weiner Epstein (he’s real, look him up)

“A sexually depraved miscreant who is seeking to gratify only his basest and most immediate urges” fist-a-cuffs

Top 10 Places To Have a Fist Fight

10. Olde Queens 9. Ye Ol’ Queeneths 8. An old Queens concert 7. Old Queens 6. Olde Queens 5. Queens, New York 4. Old Queens 3. Ale n’ Witch 2. Kelly’s Corner 1. Olde Queens

everybody ride her, just like a bus route

Cuffing season is probably here: Sweet ways to let your bus driver crush know you care 1. It’s about the journey: Request every stop! Show your appreciation for the ENTIRE route by giving the yellow cord a gustful yank every time you see a bus shelter materialize in the distance.

2. Give thanks bro: Gratitude is sexy. If some scrub rolls over the white line and out the door without even acknowledging the wheel wielding hero that delivered them to their destination, roll them right on back in and whisper you’re welcome really passive aggressively.

3. Food, water, shelter: Swipe your potential boo into the nearest dining hall for a tasty 10 minute or so break. Run back outside and guard the driver’s seat with your life, assuring everyone they’ll be right back.

4. Wear your heart on your sleeve: Rep the most underrated branch of Rutgers athletics by tricking out rad merch with the letters of your favorite bus team.

5. Pump up the (slow) jams: Route 18 can get quiet and sad with all these kids on their damn phones. Whip out your personal sound system and treat your bus buddies to some swole sensual tunes to get the vibe correct.

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Opinions

Wednesday, October 4th, 2017

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“Let’s form an a capella group”

UNIVERSITY VOICES

How do you study for midterms?

“Set up a tent and sleeping bag in a corner of the third floor of LSM. No leaving until I understand orgo.”

Ricky Johnson Doesn’t understand orgo.

“I get my weekly sonogram. ” Kim Thomson In her second trimester.

“Practice stressing out so much that I dissociate and have an out of body experience which allows me to look at other people’s answers during the exam .”

Casper Matthews Incredibly friendly, almost ethereal.

SOUP’S ON

PANERA BREAD AUTUMN SQUASH SOUP

BY KNIFTY KNITTER

Some call it a fiesta of flavors, a symphony of sensations, a carnival of culinary genius. All of these would be correct in referring to the flavor artistry that has gone into Panera Bread’s Autumn Squash Soup. One quickly learns that it’s not just a soup, but an experience and with each creamy spoonful, it becomes more and more irresistible. It truly is the lubricant of the gods-not just a soup, but a potion of lust that caresses you from your insides . One spoonful and you reach another world, a full bread bowl’s worth and you’ve transcended time and space entirely and arrive on a plane where you can see flavor.

The luscious acorn squash sets the mood in your mouth as tangy notes of crisp apple sashay across your tongue. Then drops of honey glide gracefully across the tip of your tongue, the sweet spot, and you think you’ve reached the climax, when the truth is, the show has just begun. Out of nowhere, hints of curry arouse your taste buds and take your breath away. You are in shock-or do you have an unknown allergy to curry? Don’t worry, the salted pumpkin seed garnish cloaked in heavy cream pirouettes onto your taste buds and all the flavors suddenly take a bow at once. Then you swallow. In an instant, the act is done, you come back down to earth and ask yourself how deserving you were of that experience. Then you go for another spoonful.

8/10. Order the bowl, not the cup.

Home depot?

WHY IS IT SO HARD TO FIND PEOPLE IN THE ALT-RIGHT?

BY LOGICAL LARRY

I’m trying to bridge the gap between the Alt-Right and Liberals. But whenever I ask someone if they’re racist, they ignore me and give me eyes that make me feel like a homeless man asking for a blowjob.

I’m starting to think there is a conspiracy going on around me. If someone asked me if I was racist I would only ignore them if they are racist. I’m starting to think everyone is racist and I might be surrounded by Alt-Right. Why else would anyone not want to give me a blowjob? But a search for a racist man in a Blue State University is like finding a teal power ranger at Comic Con-a mind fuck. However I’m pretty sure I saw a bunch of racists when Milo came to town. Maybe I should be looking for the gay Alt-Right. To bring true peace, a gay man who understands the white man’s spite would be perfect. Well if anyone is gay, or not racist Alt-Right, or a racist Alt-Right or a power ranger. Contact me at Harlem Venison on Facebook.

A whole new world

INTERNATIONAL STUDENT FINALLY BUILDS UP COURAGE TO TALK TO WHITE PERSON

BY DUM GAI Going into my senior year of college here at Rutgers, I made one shocking realization, I have never spoken, nor interacted with a single white person.

Ever since I came to America to study, I’ve only known and made friends with other Chinese people. But as I enter my last year of college, I’ve decided to turn over a new leaf. I’m finally going to get over my fear and do the impossible. I wanted to be the leading example for other international students to follow.

The hardest part of getting over my fear was finding the correct white person to talk to. Should I break the ice with one of my professors? The homeless guy in downtown New Brunswick?

Frat boy from Skullhouse? After pondering this for a good ten minutes and texting back and forth with my friends on Wechat, I decided I’d talk to the Smoke Shop clerk on Easton Ave. My palms were sweaty, knees weak, arms heavy, as I entered the smoke establishment. When I normally buy my pack of Marlboro Reds, I stay quiet and pretend the clerk doesn’t exist.

But this time, the clerk was as real as the RU Screw. As I pointed out my smokes of choice to the clerk, I finally did it. I made small talk. I nervously asked, “How are you? And how’s your day going?” To which the clerk replied, “Good.” That was it.

After I left the shop, I felt as if that was the scariest moment of my life. I didn’t know if I was going to make it out alive. All my friends were worried for me. I had 100+ messages on WeChat asking if I was okay. But here I am today, alive and well. Although I wanted to be the pioneer for other international students to do the same, unfortunately nothing has changed. Every other international student is still scared to talk to a white person.

As I drive away in my brand new Maserati, I want to say something to every international student who may be reading this. Surprisingly, white people are harmless as these cigs I smoke with my buddies outside of math class.

Wednesday October 4th, 2017

themedium.arts@gmail.com

Arts

“Does anyone have space on their couch available?”

“pokemon debates” by goldielocks

“very appealing offer” Dick of the week

“bonus!” by Dicks of the week

Join the medium!

FOLLOW US ON INSTA @themediumru meetings MoNdays at 8pm in the livingston student center room 117 d. Also SEND IN ART FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY. we don’t require ratio... ...but it would be nice tiny tots by cam e bal

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“Troompa” by willy

Personals

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Wednesday, October 4th, 2017

themedium.personals@gmail.com

“God is dead, we’re all fucked”

I Pledge Allegiance

Filling Big Shoes

Is it still hazing if I get an orgasm during it?

(If you’re part of the Rutgers BDSM club, then yeah.

That’s a real club btw.)

Selling an elliptical.

Lightly used as coat rack, never been used for exercise.

(Wait, seriously? Hell yeah!

I’ll take that off your hands.

I need a new coat rack after I lost my old one in a pollo match.)

Doug scares me.

(You mean that guy from the NickToon show right? I mean he’s about as scary as an oddly balding pre-teen can be. Catchy theme song though. dooo doot dooo) I’m looking for a well fitting pair of women’s corduroy pants, preferably in cranberry navy or dark brown.

(Me too just cause I’m working on a Daria cosplay and the fact women’s clothes fit my curves better.)

In my objective opinion the best personals editor was the one from 201516.

(Not even gonna argue that.)

Should I take a knee at RU football games?.

(I tend to spend the entire game doubled over vomiting, which I think the Founder Fathers wanted.)

Single available in 10 person house off Easton. 20 min walk to College Ave. $900 rent non-negotiable.

(Perfect! I’m looking for a place to store my new eliptical. Is it ten people one bath, or ten people and one useable bath?)

Is it normal to lose my virginity on the couch in the student lounge?

(Depends on how many people were there watching, the more the better. Also, hope you put down a sheet.)

CREEPY HOMELESS MAN DOES NOT HAVE INTERNET AND NEITHER DO I!

Is it wrong to ask my roommate to have sex with me and my boyfriend?

(I dunno, threesomes for guys is a lot of work. Too many moving parts.)

Shit’s fucked y’all.

(I’ve already bought a cabin in the woods and enough supplies to last me for the next three years. By then I hope the worst of it blows over.)

My bus driver has been on break for 2 hours, should I call someone?

(Are they in the bus or out of the bus? Out of the bus, then they are never coming back so just drive the bus yourself. In the bus they might have given up on life so same as before, just drive.)

Full Basket

Can I live off fruit snacks alone?

(Only the Scooby-Doo ones. The amount of artifical junk they put into those things literally makes them a super food.)

Is it odd that my 20 year old friend is being asked out by her 30 year old boss?

(Age is just a number like jailcells are just a room and older men are married.)

Is it wrong to drink all my drinks out of 40 bottles?

(I know for a fact orange juice tastes better out of a fourty. Tea, not so much.)

I forgot my earbuds today and a guy fucking talked to me on the bus.

(The nerve of some people.

Everyone knows that if you don’t have a phone or earbuds, it’s standard procedure to look first out the window, then at the ads on the bus, then at the hottest guy/girl on the bus. Guessing you are neither of those things, he was just rude.)

White Watching

Join us at our pitch meetings.

Wednesday @ 7:45pm College Ave Student Center 411B

QOTD

Wombmates

My family is W.A.S.P. and jewish and rich and now I’m overflowing with privilege.

(There is a point of sheer nirvana that those of us with an abundance of privilage experience that the plebians would never understand. Actually give them a few years... we kinda are on the way out.)

“I hate Mondays”

-Everyone

Get a Schlong

Runnin Out

Is it weird how often I see my roommate’s dick.

(I mean if you are banging them, or are their doctor, then no. Otherwise invest in matching robes.)

How much running is too much running? Like I like to run around Cook/Douglass like twice a day to keep myself in shape.

My place fucking burned down and now I’m royally fucked.

(The RU Screw comes in many forms. Be it by fire or by water, the Screw rends the butthole asunder. Just camp out in classrooms.)

I now have several scars from where I fucked a Four Loko can.

(Is this where you thought you would take your life?)

My roommate is a radio star and I don’t know how to cope with it.

(I would not give it much thought. These days radio stars are less popular than any jackass playing videogames on Youtube.)

Is it appropriate to give someone a trophy in lieu of flowers for her dead son?

(I dunno about appropriate, but it is very presidential. I hear a good golf trophy can feed an entire island community for years.)

I keep forgetting I have an online class. Am I screwed, or can I still salvage this?

(I have it on very good authority that teachers also forget that they have online classes. You just need to be careful of the perfect strom of them remembering and you forgetting.)

(Human beings were never meant to run at all, let alone for extended periods of time. We are built as a climbing and crawling species that deny God’s design by walking around like we own the place.)

Anyone willing to let me take pictures of your pants? Its for science I swear!

(Whatever science you are doing, let me in!)

Dr. Seuss used to draw racist advertisements.

(So did almost everyone back in the day. Its pretty safe to assume all historical figures before 1950 did something racist.)

I want to start an A cappella group with my friends but none of them are willing to join in.

(You and every fucking kid who watched Pitch Perfect.

A capella is like a cancer that was born from the radience of Anna Kendrick’s dolcet tones. Just stick to bands, lord knows they are dying out faster than goldfish on field day.)

Back in my day weed used to cost a nickel.

(No shit sherlock, why do you think they used to be called dime bags? Inflation really hurt the weed industry.)

Wednesday October 4th, 2017

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Page a7

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“10 years old-MAJOR: Beeswax”

How to tell if that Asshole Likes you By: Buzzcuck

The Medium Marketplace

Pre-Mutilated Barbie-$20 by: Messy House-Happy Kids

-Does he start talking about his plans really -pick up required loudly when you’re around him.

-Does he often tell you ‘idk I probably have to -Already has one strip of discolored blue hair from Crayola Marker travel later so I’m gonna be so wiped.’

-Comes with a single jacket to put on naked -Does he pretend he’s way more into his guy Barbie to give her some semblance of dignity friends than he is to you whenever you hang with him and his friends. but it actually makes her look hotter.

-Is he ‘not a homophobe but it just creeps me -Head is permanently turned to the left. out’ -Arms have clearly been taken off and put back -Does he take every opportunity to tell you on multiple times but her right hand came clean how cool it is that he doesn’t care about anyoff and is also colored with a blue crayola markthing. er.

If you said Yes to any of these questions then he likes you, but the version of you that is in -$10 extra for a mutilated Ken so your kid can make Ken and Barbie have genital-less sex. his head...actually he just loves the idea of you.

Guantanamo Baywatch

Top 7 Reasons You’re Better Than Your Peers 1. You get it and they don’t.

2. When they say something wrong, you know it.

3. Everything you post on Facebook is wellresearched.

4. You never post a copy paste.

5. One time you posted a copy paste but you were 13 and they just started being a thing.

6. God loves you more.

7. You take the stairs.

8. You don’t ride a skateboard.

HOW MUCH MORE DO I HAVE TO BEG? COME TO OUR MEETINGS WE HAVE REDDIT-LIKE MATERIAL

WEDNESDAYS @ 7:45PM ROOM 411B OF THE CASC

Hi I’m Taylor Swift Clone 414 and Taylor Swift Clone 413’s Song was Terrible. As soon as I came out of my pod I heard that fucking song playing on Spotify. ‘oh look what you made me do, look what you made me do’ I can’t believe she left me to publicize this crap. Like, if I was conscious before I was created I would not have planned this. I would have expected old Taylor Swift who thought her songs were cool cause they were country and Disney pop. The only thing you made me do Taylor Swift Clone 413 is steal your job.

October 4th, 2017 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com IT'S VIRTUALLY SOCIAL JUSTICE...

EA sp o rt s r e pl ac e s to m brady on t he c ov e r o f ma dden 18 Throb Lowe Always Kneeling ;)

New Brunswick— In response to recent protests in the NFL, EA Sports has released an updated cover to reflect their opinion on the matter.

The featured athletes are Eric Reid and Colin Kaepernick taking a knee during the national anthem. In the background is an image of Donald Trump with clown makeup on.

It’s needless to say football fans have never been more divided. Kansas City native and die-hard Chiefs fan Eric Clomp wrote in to say “I can’t believe these entitled, arrogant, spoiled brats are spitting in the face of true Americans. If it was up to me, those sons of bitches would be forced to stand for the anthem.

I can’t believe that now even video games are taking sides.”

In days since Clomp wrote in,

Making a Statement This is the new cover for this itertion of Madden

he formed a facebook group called “Patriots vs Pansies”.

The page will be used as a forum to spew hate against people exercising their first amendment right.

The name of the group pays homage to the famously successful white guy Tom Brady, who is being removed from the cover. The Patriots have released a comment on the situation.

"We don't care who's on the cover. We're the best god damned sports organization on the planet, and we're tied with the fucking Jets. We have bigger fish to fry."

Other fans however, are thrilled with EA’s decision.

“It’s great to have the movement supported by so many people.” said Darren Matthews, a freshman at Rutgers University “I feel like there may be a fundamental misunderstanding about the true nature of the protests, and we’re all straying toward a discussion about nationalism, and not racial inequality. I liked that Trump was a clown too.”

Kaepernick has yet to respond to our request for a quote, and has yet to post to his social media on the matter. The cover will be officially rolled out sometime in late October.

WINNING AT LOSING

RUTGERS UNEXPECTEDLY CRUSHED BY OHIO STATE Balls deep Pleasantly Hairy

PISCATAWAY— After what seemed to be a great season for the Rutgers Scarlet Knights, winning against Morgan State and getting a few touchdowns in the games against Washington, Eastern Michigan and Nebraska, fans are devastated by the truly unexpected lose against Ohio State 56 to 0.

“I don’t know what happened, I thought we had this shit,” said one student as his body paint slowly sweat down his luscious chest, soaking into the band of his Hanes boxer briefs, almost as though his team spirit was melting away. What happened? Why did we lose? Is this going to continue? These were among the questions asked after

Defensive Shut Down Rutgers Throws Their 14th Red Zone Pick This Season

being absolutely bewildered as to how we were crushed

by Ohio State. “After their first touchdown, I thought to myself, ok this is what usually happens, they get us at first and then we blow ‘em away, but instead they bent

us over and continuously fisted us until we bled!” said one fan as he wiped away the tears and repeatedly said “I’m not crying, it’s fucking allergies!” He was crying, the dude is a total fucking bitch. After being asked how

Bi-curious SInce 1970

this could have happened, football expert Steve Madden said, “I dunno, I’m a fashion designer.”

Obviously, this didn’t help much, but we had no money left to get an interview with the correct Madden, so we put this in anyway.

Will our team be able to return to the Scarlet Knights we know and love, who sometimes almost win and destroys 3rd division teams, or will they continue to eat shit?

The Raiders management refused to comment on the matter, but after hearing a series of high-fives coming from the meeting room, their significant others gave a comment that they “have a lot of explaining to do”.