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october 25th, 2017
Volume LIV Issue VII 50¢ SWEATER WEATHER
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little bill: i never want to g r o w u p to b e l i k e harvey weinstein SUE DENIMm An editor has no name
EW BRUNSWICK— Allegations N against Harvey Weinstein have been snowballing, as more and more people have been accusing the Academy Award-winning producer of sexual assault. Even more devastating is the impact this has had on Hollywood’s younger, more impressionable members, who have looked up to Weinstein as a role model. Hit especially hard is the star of the popular children’s television series “Little Bill,” Little Bill. “It’s real hard when the adults you think are so cool turn out to be big jerks. I looked up to Mr. Weinstein ‘cuz I thought he TOUCHY SUBJECT made real good movies. I hope The stars of the famous Nickelodeon I never grow up to be a person show just horsin' around
Rutgers Parking Services Has Fucked Me For The Last Time that hurts poor innocent girls Jehovah's like that,” said Little Bill. The popular television Witness show has been off the air since 2004, but the rambunctious Protection little cartoon boy won’t hesitate Program to share his thoughts on the world. “I just love being happy Man Upset and spreading love to everyone! I love puppies, drawing, and With Plum people that don’t turn out to be Choice rampant sexual offenders!” Since the allegations, Weinstein has been fired from the Weinstein Company and been denounced by every known member of Hollywood that has ever had the slightest interaction with the producer. It Continued on Page 2
IT'S PRETTY INTRUSIVE GUYS
PRO C TORTRA C K C ATC HES STU D ENT M I D J ERK - SESH MIKE HAWK PELVIS SAFETY OFFICER
EW BRUNSWICK— This N past week has been hell for most students taking their midterms, but for one student, it was about to get much worse. Andrew Redstein had almost finished his busy week of 4 midterms. He had already finished 3 of them in classic middle-ofthe-road student fashion and needed to complete his fourth. The monster set before him was none other than Social Media for the Arts Online, the GPA destroyer for most journalism majors.
Andrew decided to start his with some time to spare for the exam with all of his attention leisure activities he missed out focused on completing the exam, Continued on Page 2
FRICKIN'
Since 1970
Frat Raises $2,000 For Victims Of Sexual Assault. $48,000 Short Of The Court Mandated Minimum Holy Fuck That Last One Was Too Long To Be Called A Quickie
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News
"Remember when my love life was working out? Yeah, it's not"
freedom of butt stuff
NEW BRUNSWICK— Going beyond promoting free speech, the Young Americans for Liberty (YAL) at Rutgers was recently discovered to be using its symbolic “free speech ball” as a tool to of sodomy. Ranking members of YAL use the enormous free speech ball, which is often bounced around at campus events as a “tactic to fight problematic free speech codes,” to sodomize new members of club as a way of ensuring they understand the importance of unabated speech. “We have students across campus sign this magnificent, colorful ball as way of showing
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cosby
U. Libertarian Club found using free speech ball for sodomy WALTER CRONKITE JR. AIN'T NO SNITCH
Wednesday, October 25th, 2017
Rutgers that we needed to loosen the constraints on one of our fundamental freedoms,” said YAL president Dianna Carter, whose asshole is stretched beyond repair thanks to years of club-mandated sodomy. “Little do they know that, that exact beach ball has been used to sodomize members of this club for over 15 years. Why just this morning I rammed it up a freshman’s tight butthole while forcing him to recite the first amendment.” The Daily Targum recently profiled YAL and their quest to save free speech, though the publication failed to notice the adult diapers peeping out of
every executive members’ pants, as all of their buttholes are too loose to keep them from uncontrollably shitting. “Yeah I mean I shit myself at least three times a week,” said YAL treasurer Mark Tomowlsky, who kept the club’s beach ball in his asshole for 12 hours and 36 minutes his freshman year, a YAL record. “It’s worth it, though. I mean, no the University doesn’t really listen to us, but we’re at least doing a really good job at going unnoticed and fighting for something that isn’t really a problem.”
news in pictures
LITTLE BILL ...continued from front
is difficult to remember the last time such heinous actions were done by such a beloved media personality. Little Bill finished off by saying, “I won’t let this stop me from looking up to people who still bring happiness to people. Comedians, black public figures, stars of popular family T.V. shows. Especially ones that always smile and wear colorful sweaters, ‘cuz you just know you can trust them.” Hopefully this trend of violence and sexual misconduct in the movie industry doesn't continue, because the crushed aspirations of a small animated television youngster would be too much to handle for the American public. We're watching over you, Little Bill.
it was pretty big Standardized testing ...continued from front
on during his busy week. Unfortunately, he came across one specific question. “Who is the CEO of wordpress.com?” Redstein has an absolute hardon for online blogs. Andrew took a peek at the time left in his assignment and saw he had enough to rub one out. After Andrew was finished, he quickly wrapped up his exam and submitted it. It was then he felt his heart sink into his stomach. Andrew had completely forgotten that the anti-cheat software, Proctortrack recorded him taking the exam in his entirety. Andrew is patiently awaiting the results of his exam and promises to swear off masturbation for a full day. Homeless man teaches lecture Students barely realized as a local homeless man, dirtied belongings in hand, wandered into class and started talking to the voices in his head. Only his stench lifted students' heads out of their computers.
Editorial Staff Spring 2017
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot
Andrew Blustein Jake Goldstein Alex Hawley
Fratypus
News Editors Michael Okolo Jordan Plaut Opinions Editor Marissa Schwartz Arts Editor Gavin Briggs-Perez Personals Editor Kevin McClintock A7 Editor Shaina Joseph Features Editor Rob Sanchez
Sports Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche
Dan Cretella Scott Hoberman Jake Goldstein Landen Naphtali William Field Slutty Costumes
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 117-D of the Livingston Student Center at the Livingston Campus. This article is dedicated to my failed love life, you were so young.
Wednesday, October 25th, 2017 themedium.features@gmail.com
Features
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“True Life: I’m a slow walker”
this day in history Today, on October 25th in 1881, the GOAT was born. Thank you Pablo Diego José Francisco de Paula Juan Nepomuceno María de los Remedios Cipriano de la Santísima Trinidad Ruiz y Picasso, your name is a fucking mouthful but your wild sense of style has blessed us all and inspires us everyday. Here’s to you, you crazy old man. “Everything you can imagine is real”
October 25, 1881 - April 8, 1973
trans-formers Top 10 Shittiest Transformers 10. Armitron -transforms into a filing cabinet 9. Armoiratron -Armitron’s level up, transforms into an armoire 8. Ultra Juul -always up in smoke, kind of a douche 7. Optimus Pencil -pretty dull, sometimes sharp 6. Former Trans -super power is confusion, always transforming 5. Knock Out -fuck this guy 4. Pussy Grabber -can’t read, tiny, never transforming but always a dick 3. Stapletron -looks unassuming but will fuck your shit up if you’re not careful 2. Macbook Protron -wildy overpriced, does next to nothing but people love him anyway. I hate him. 1. Shia LaBeouf -defective, sometimes goes on rampages, total nut the medium-well
gone rogue The founders here at the Lego Group have come out with a new and innovative way to play with the same Lego’s you bought for your children even though you knew they were stupid and they would stop playing with them in four, six weeks tops. Introducing...
This is a picture of our newspaper, The Medium, being used as a door stop. So you could say we hold the door to your hearts, or something. Whatever, at least someone picked us up.
SORORITY SISTERS
Lego’s for adults! See what just some of our happy costumers have said! “Fun for the entire family!” “A new take on an old classic!” “Two thumbs up (the butthole!)”
INT. LX BUS - NIGHT Girl 1: “Wait, if you have an exam tomorrow why are you going out?” Girl 2: “Bitch, it’s Thursday!” fin
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Opinions
Wednesday, October 25th, 2017
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“Let me read my twitter feed aloud and impress you”
UNIVERSITY VOICES
What are some easy and fun DIY costumes for Halloween this year?? “Ambiguous ghost/kkk costume” Shawn Lawsen Not really racist.
“Invisible man/my absent father” Laurie Tyler Doing okay. “Hurricane Harvey Weinstein” Will Shin Enthralled with American culture.
SAVE THE TITTIES
WHY I SUPPORT BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH BY JOHN THE FRAT BOY Today was a busy day. After skipping my first two classes, I proceeded to skip the third so the boys and I could take the time to hang pink ribbons and banners around the house. We are HUGE breast cancer awareness supporters, for obvious reasons. If too many girls got breast cancer, there wouldn’t nearly be enough hot girls to attend our parties—it would totally throw off ratio. One in eight women already get breast cancer, so dying or getting a mastectomy would totally throw off the game. (Getting a mastectomy may even be worse than dying…is a woman even a woman if she doesn’t have tits?) Truthfully, while we’re at it, I personally think we should amend the ratio rules altogether. No one wants to have have titless women at parties…or fatties…or butterfaces…I propose we have a set of measurements for both the face and body that each girl much uphold upon entry. Kind of like how Hitler identified the Jews. 34 D minimum, 29 waist maximum, and no taller than our shortest brother. What were we talking about again? Right—breast cancer. Be sure to make a donation or something, because you all know that all my frat actually did to support the cause was hang up a few banners.
GET BACK TO YOUR ROOTS
NOT ENOUGH PEOPLE RECOGNIZE CARROTS AS AN ON-THE-GO SNACK BY HANNAH KIM
SWEET TUNES
KEEP THE VOLUME UP ON YOUR HEADPHONES, I INSIST
BY KNIFTY KNITTER As a Rutgers student, I am a pretty frequent user of the Rutgers bus system. I have classes on every campus besides the one I live on, so I spend a good hour or two commuting on the buses each day and I have to say, the one thing that makes it bearable is the availability of free and constant music. No matter the H or the EE, I can be sure to free-ride a tune from a jock’s Beats or a business student’s EarPods. I appreciate the fact that at any point in the day, I can get on a bus and find solitude to the accompaniment of a poppin’ Jersey club remix or the heartfelt words of whichever country star my seatmate is listening to. I almost feel guilty, as if I am taking advantage of the music industry as a whole. I, a lowly history major, can enjoy the pleasures of such fine melodies and musical choices of my fellow bus companions and don’t have to purchase the music-or even put on headphones to enjoy it. I am truly the party at fault every time, but what can I do? I don’t have the power to turn off my ears, to block my auditory neurons from receiving the signals from the sweet sounds. It is what the universe has bestowed upon me and I must live with the consequences.
Have you ever experienced the ethereal joy of sitting on a bench on a crisp fall day, enjoying the breeze and the satisfying crunch of a baby carrot? If not, I highly recommend it. I feel like I am constantly bombarded with the stresses of life, from research papers to laundry to nose hair trimming, that I often get caught up and rarely experience joy. Then my therapist recommended I try something new—pack a sandwich bag of wholesome, fresh baby carrots, sit outside and take in all the world has to offer. At first I balked at the thought of eating baby carrots from a sandwich bag, let alone eating them outside, but I did it. It was a truly extraordinary sensory experience and it has most definitely changed my life for the better. I had never thought of carrots as an outside snack, but now I’m hooked. The combination of sitting in nature and eating one of its greatest gifts filled me with such awe that my worldview has completely changed. I am now a firm advocate of eating carrots on-the-go.
HMMMM
QUESTIONS WITHOUT ANSWERS...
Q: If I marry someone and I am unhappy, will that be okay? Um, well if mediocrity is the goal and not happiness, I guess so. Then again, what is happiness. Money can buy happiness...can it? Then again, I can marry anyone and produce a child and that will bring me intrinsic happiness...can it? A: I’m gonna be honest with you. Probably not.
Wednesday, October 28nd, 2016
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“Pessimism” by Jeff
Arts
“When it comes to Hell...does Jesus give a damn?”
Squidward Testicles by dick of the week
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“preaching truth“ by preacher’s daughter
Join the medium! please. it gives me less work.
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Personals
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“Cumming from the land down under”
Award Winning
Getting the phD
Light Conversation
I started re-watching the Golden Globe winners, and I finally understand how the Martian is a comedy. (Good, cause I still don’t.) You must let out your spirit in order to let the universe in. (See, I did that and now I can’t get it back. Luckily it was just my team spirit.) Why do people not go to lecture? It is like wasting money. (To be fair, if I wanted to sit in a room and just mess around on my phone while someone talks on stage, I’d just go to any high school
To the freshmen, if you thought getting ratio is hard as an undergrad, wait until you get into a PhD program. (I have to say, if you are a grad student looking for ratio, then you might need to make adjustments to your life choices.) So I blacked out at my cousin’s wedding and now I’m out of my grandmother’s will. Are these two events related?
These two people on the bus across from me started having a conversation and you can see the regret they had as this ride became much longer than either of them anticipated. (Generally I consider all bus talks horribly awkward especially if the conversation steers towards school, the weather, or how much someone drank last night. These are the unholy trinity of unbearable conversation topics.) What came first, the lion or the mountain lion? (Obviously the lion, though oddly enough the mountain lion was named before the mountain. Dunno how that worked.)
Those of you planning to dress as Hurricane Harvey Weinstein this Halloween...don’t. (I second this. I’m going to be respectful and dress as a slutty Jon Snow this year, which is just regular Jon Snow.)
Wednesday, October 25th, 2017
(Probably not, just be careful that there are no photos of you streaking across the dance floor or grinding on Aunt Judy and you should be good.) Should I go for alchoholism or depression? (In my experience, those two are a package deal. Just spec into one and you will gain proficency in the other.)
“Wait, will I still be allowed to use that government beach?”
Crime Ally My mugging got featured on the crime alert. I’m famous! (No way! The mugging me and my friends commited was also featured! We should do a meet-up!) Why does the air from the hand dryers feel good on my balls. (If I ever see you doing this, I’m going to throw water down your pants so at least you have a good excuse.)
My teacher still wants me to be an atheist. (And mine still wants me to be gay, but I guess we will have to keep disappointing them both.) Man, I was so funny like ten minutes ago. You should have been there. (Gee, thanks. I am so glad that you were able to be the life of the dorm for all of ten minutes. It is not like I literally write more than any other editor EVERY WEEK and get no respect for it. So fuck your ten minutes of fame.)
Leggo your Ego
NOPE! But you can join us at our pitch meetings. Wednesday @ 7:45pm College Ave Student Center 411B
Ass Wettums is the biggest fucking tool in Rutgers. You can’t draw for shit. (Yeah, fuck you man. I know more about Typography than you, and I just write this crap all day. How do you feel that the highest peak of your career is some guy making the comic-sans font?)
QOTD
“No matter where you are in life, there is some kid who can probably kick your ass in something.”
-Bobby Fisher
[Insert Title Here]
ETJBAEWRUYM
Skip me, I’ll be back later.
uhpwbenovsdklmutines dklubrnhijphjho;erjephj ek;hmk;bmppwkhemtm ipmmipjhebmejypbidjnj enrbemyijumy[b,dfyipe mrybp[e,rveirnyb[mdsd.
(You know what take as much time as you need. I hate having a deadline too so you just get back to me when you can.) Why would you have a Halloween party, before Halloween? (This year Halloween is on a Tuesday, so I think celebrating a few days earlier is fine. Also wearing a Halloween costume in November is a moral crime.) This time on Four Loko Z, Son Broku achieves his final form: Super Douche 3. (...ugh, why me?) Fuck Harry Potter, that bitch doesn’t do shit.
(Hell yeah! Every fucking book this punk-ass bitch lucks his way into saving the day and somehow he is known as a great wizard.) Playing in a wheelchair is so much fun, can you imagine living in one? (I’d be careful if I were you, the handicap people are first in line to get any super cool robot parts in the future. Then they’ll get you with their robot legs.) Am I damning my friends by telling them I’m Christian? (No, you are spreading the love and joy of Jesus Christ to all the people of the world. Spreading his message of lov- oh what? OHHH your name is Christian. Then yeah they’re fucked, good going Chris.)
(IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII IIIIIIIIII’m filling space.) If global warming isn’t real then why was there that huge wild fire? Suck it conservatives! (That forest sure was not conserved.) Comic-sans was used in both Watchmen and Dark Knight Returns. (Uhh duh. It is called comic-sans for a reason, because it was used in freaking comic books. How is this a shock to people.) France has made it illegal to cat-call people. This sucks because I like being cat-called. (Huh, I didn’t think French men cat-called at all, but then again I don’t know French. Wait could it be that I’ve been getting hit on by random groups of people, but didn’t know because I’m not bilingual. So many missed chances.) Is it bad that I have a bigger dick than my girlfriend? (Is this school just full of idiots? How am I below average in my classes!?)
Page a7
Wednesday, October 25th, 2017
“I heard there are a lot of bi-sexuals at Target.”
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20 year old and 13 Year Old on a Train (ft. Angela Merkel) Part 3 (These are the adventures of 20 year old 13 year old ft. Angela Merkel on a train, Part 1 and 2 are in the bottom of this paper stack.) 20 year old: OK I’m back Angela Merkel: Hodee sheezz Debra, you’re covered in spree-pent. 20 year old: AOHHHH No 13 year old: Debra, did you just spray paint the cemetary. 20 year old: I just wanted to say sorry, cause my grandparents were Nazis. 13 year old: What did you write? 20 year old: I wrote the word sorry in German on a few people’s graves. 13 year old: That’s not nice. Angela Merkel: DEBBRAAAAAAHHHHH dis iz not nise tey are offend by din, do not. 20 year old: If someone spray painted “I forgive you.” on my Nazi grandparents’ grave I wouldn’t be offended. Angela Merkel: Iz not about whezer or not uz affonded if someone ayelse is affended. 13 year old: Yeah like one time I said that Shiva came before Vishnu and I was talking to a Vaishnavite and he got super triggered and I was like I’m a Shaivite and he was like well I don’t care Dev that still upsets me and then--20 year old: Shhh Dev this is about the Jews and the Germans, Hufflepuffs are not involved. Angela Merkel: Yeeeee Dev, shut uhp. (to be continued...next week on A7)
Engineering Student Fucks Up
Horror Movie Turned ROMCOM
By Heywood Jablomi Kyle O’Connell, Senior at the School
of Engineering and a member of the Rutgers D&D Club for all four years, is currently feeling the brunt of a major “Caroline thought her life would end feeling only despair while having lifestyle decision he made from 11:50:52her skull sawed open.....but then Brad showed up.” 11:50:55 the night of an October Saturday. After the 22 year old finally lost his by: My Friends Think I’m Funny Can I just say instead of dying when someone tells a virginity to an SAS student who has joke, say I’ll sit shiva(Jewish process after mourning the asked to remain nameless, his immediate dead) for them? plan of action was to brag about it to his Just like “ooooooo I didn’t expect to see my middle school teachfriends. This was his fatal mistake. er wishing me condolences today” Immediately, his study group called “can you bring me a casserole with that deathly burn” “oooo make that office chair go low enough for me to a meeting in the BEST West MPR to halachically(according to Jewish law) sit on” decide his fate, and by 12:30 the next “can I bring over my acquaintances for that murder of morning he was unanimously voted out a joke” of the group. The students cited several reasons, ranging from envy to the fact Thanks Trump that he was a half-orc with low armor by: Bill Hubbard class, to basic SOE ethics. Regardless The Trump Administration is releasing the documents on the Kennedy assassination, of the reasons, none of his former studymates expressed any sort of regret and for that I just want to say, thanks over their decisions. “We’re the School Trump, but I wish you could tell us where you hid my cup with realistic boobs on it. of Engineering. There’s no rule about I understand that these documents have staying chaste until graduation, but it’s been the subject of extensive research, but I don’t know why you took my erotic mug the way things are.” COME TO OUR MEETINGS ROOM 411B CASC WEDNESDAYS 7:45-8:45 LOVERS
away and I want you to tell me where it is. I’ve been drinking out of I <3 NY cups and it tastes like asbestos. I want my cup. So thanks Trump...lol...not.
October 25th, 2017 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com A TASTE OF VICTORY
Rutgers on pace to win big 10 'most improved' award this season it’s the Scarlet Knights. The week before last, Rutgers secured their first conference win in nearly two years against the Fighting Illini, who went home hanging their heads in shame. Big 10 commissioner Jim Delany stated in a press conference, “Not only did the Scarlet Knights manage to not get blown out buy doubledigits, they actually won a fucking game. The board is so astounded we’re officially nominating Rutgers University for the award for most improved organization.” A week after Rutgers topped the Purdue Boilermakers at High Point Solutions Stadium " An award suited for a campus so liberal " by a whopping two points, after The Scarlet Knights take this year's Big 10 Most Improved Award nearly blowing the lead after allowing a late game touchdown and a near two-point conversion. BY Throb Lowe Quarterback Kyle Bolin Piscataway, nj— The eligible for a special honor. was overheard telling teammates Rutgers Scarlet Knights are on Each year the Big 10 to “…simmer the fuck down out a world-shocking two game honors the most improved team there. We’re not trying to win a win streak, and they’re officially in the conference, and this year bowl game or anything, so let's
Keys to the Matchup
Top 10 Sports Fails of All Time BY throb lowe
1when
The NBA mostly white.
it was
2 Rutgers University's 20162017 Football season.
3 Every time the Cleveland Browns Play.
4
The Mark Sanchez butt fumble.
5 My nephew's performance at bat at his tee-ball game.
not get expectations up. Let’s feed off this energy and shoot for most improved. Worst case, we still get our participation awards.” The energy won't stop here though. Rutgers will face off against the Michigan Wolverines on Saturday, and things are looking not so terrible for the Scarlet Knights. So long as Rutgers scores at least a field goal, and limits Michigan’s points to 35, they’re almost a lock for most improved this year. Coach Jim Harbaugh even extended a congratulations to Chris Ash and the entire Rutgers Football organization. "I'm genuinely proud of you guys," he said, "It's nice to see a team we absolutely pummel do a little better the next season. I'm just glad I could help make a difference." Tune in to the Big Ten Network this weekend to watch the Scarlet Knights try their best.
6 When C.C. Sabathia shat his pants on the mound.
7 Tiger Woods catching on fire in the '06 Masters.
8
When I was 13 and got bullied off the lacrosse team.
9 Cross-country skiing. 10
-Prepare your resume because this football thing isn't really going anywhere. -Hope Jim Harbaugh gets so excited he eats his players before the game. -Run and hide. -Tell yourself, "Hey, at least we're not playing Alabama."
When Rolf Gülfeil died on the squash court in 1993.
-Get the number of that cutie two rows up before your concussion so you remember it. -Call grandma, she's lonely.
-Remember to board the team bus, and you'll be good. -Stretch before the game, but not too much, don't hurt yourself. -Remind Rutgers that Michigan is actually a good B1G team. -Ask Jim Harbaugh how his day went because he'll probably get bored in the second half. -Lock down which party you'll be going to after the game. -Call grandma, she's lonely.
Eatin' ass and Smokin' grass SINCE 1970