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october 19th, 2016
Volume LII Issue VI 50¢ JUST LET US DIE
DONALD TRUMP STILL IN THE FUCKING NEWS
BY MISTER SENOR LOVE DADDY DEPRESSED
EW YORK—Recent reports N have confirmed the Republican nominee for President of the United States, Donald Trump, is somehow still in the fucking news. After the most recent arbitrary thing Trump has done, various news outlets are having a field day ripping him apart. As inconceivable as it is that one person could consistently dominate headlines every day for an entire year, Trump is still doing it. Jonathan McBride, a local voter, expresses is frustration with the news. “I turn on CNN, FOX, NBC, doesn’t matter. It’s just him. There isn’t anything else on my TV anymore. I used to turn on the news to see what’s going on in the world, and now I don’t even bother. I can’t believe how long they’re drawing this shit out.” McBride, like many
WOW, ANOTHER FUCKING HEADLINE Donald Trump does a thing which inevitably pisses off human beings
American voters, is fed up with the current state of reporting. The most baffling part of all of this is that every arbitrary thing Trump does actually is more ridiculous than the last. The public is anxiously awaiting the day when our news stations will report on the things we care about. McBride asks,
Why can't we just turn on the news and see some Syrian city being levelled by drone strikes, like in the good old days? I just want it to go back to the way it was before." McBride, like most of the public, hopes the news will return to normal after the election on November 8th.
FUCK PENN STATE, OBVIOUSLY
Saddam Hussein's Daughter To Attend Penn State
BY PAULIE VALENTINE
UNIVERSITY PARK, PA—After getting accepted to three major U.S. universities, the daughter of the former Iraqi dictator, Rana Saddam Hussein, has committed early to Penn State. Rana, who has been an Iraqi expat living in Yemen for the last 3 years, will be the first Muslim woman in her family to attend
who are often stigmatized in Muslim societies. This volunteer work is what helped her most in her application process. “Even though she got a 1650 on her SAT scores, her multicultural background, volunteering, and a great personal essay really convinced us” said admissions officer Janet Ferris who felt directly with Rana’s application. an American university. “Penn state, above all, is a “I’m very excited to be in America,” said Rana in an moral institution,” Said Rana, interview with the paper, “Iraq “They would never let anything has not been too much fun lately, bad happen to children and so I’m excited for this next step that’s why I’m most excited to attend.” in my journey.” Rana is awaiting rooming According to Rana’s guidance counselor she’s assignments in an all women’s worked volunteering for young dormitory, and is excited to go male victims of sexual assault, to American football games.
ADMIRING RON JEREMY Since 1970
QUICKIES
What The Fuck Are Prunes?
RU Football Loses 24/7 Man Rides Hoverboard While Talking on Samsung Galaxy S7, Dies Chris Laviano Learns How to Read Adolf Hitler Polling at 7% Against Trump and Clinton I'd Bang Chelsea Clinton, Probably Beats On The Banks Finally Not Terrible Pat Hobbs Tries To Avoid Football Game, Gets Blackout Drunk Tim Kaine Still Sad
the Medium
NEWS
Declares Fatwa Coach Chris Ash BY BOB ROSS ARTIST
SYRIA—After Saturday’s loss against Illinois, ISIL caliphate Abu al-Baghdadi has declared a fatwa on Rutgers football coach Chris Ash. Despite multiple claims that Ash will “super duper positively guarantee a win” last weeks game, alBaghdadi has shifted the blame on the Rutgers Football team rather than all of America in general. Twitter reports claim after al-Baghdadi’s second jerk-off sesh, he sat down to watch the Illinois-Rutgers game with “very high” expectations. I personally traveled to Mosul to interview various ISIL freedom fighters. One of them who was in the same room when al-Baghdadi was watching claimed, “We were just watching the game, drinking some brews, regular man shit when Big AlBagh over there just starting flippin’ his shit. Spilling his bud light all over the leather couch. Kept screaming Ash was a fucking pussy. It was super scary, I didn’t say anything.” It was alleged that after the freak out, Baghdadi immediately declared the
Editorial Staff Fall 2016
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"I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT BUTTER"
RUTGERS IS NOW A GLOBAL LAUGHINGSTOCK
ISIS
Wednesday, October 19th 2016
on Student With Scoliosis Ruins the Curve for Entire Class
fatwa. About six or seven beers in, Baghdadi reportedly kept shouting, “Oh my Allah! I am so fucking pissed off. I need a cigarette. Does anyone have a fucking cigarette? HAllah back if you do.” “I’m just so relieved that I don’t have to be afraid of getting bombed in the middle of Time Square or something now. The blame’s all on Ash now, not me”, said one Rutgers student when asked about the fatwa. Many are jubilant about ISIL’s apparent end of hostilities, stating in a press conference, “we don’t give two fucks about anything except for Chris Ash’s headless body.” ISIL has called onto all Rutgers students to pull a Salman Rushdie, but this time to not fuck it up. They guaranteed the first to decapitate him will receive 73 virgins. Chris Ash, interviewed in an undisclosed location (102 College Ave.), stated, “I have my utmost faith in the Rutgers community to never negotiate with terrorists and I know that hopefully our next game against Penn state will be a guaranteed win. You can bet your sweet patootie we will!”
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot
Andrew Blustein Sifat Mahbub
Andrej Eftimov Fratypus
THERE'S ALWAYS ONE
BY TONTO GOLDBERG PROBABLY JEWISH
New Brunswick—Rutgers students are just now getting into the swing of midterm season. Many classes at Rutgers are graded on a bell curve. This allows for students like Darren Bonaparte to sleep in class while managing to do just well enough to scrape by. Unfortunately for Bonaparte, there are occasionally exceptional students like Alex Peryonie, who ruin the curve for everyone. Sitting in the front row, typing away on his laptop like a courtroom stenographer, Peryonie knows just enough English to laugh at the professors’ shitty jokes. This week, the bell curve in Professor Hara’s Anatomy and Physiology midterm was once again completely ruined by Peryoine. Ironically, Peryonie has suffers with scoliosis, a condition that completely ruins the curve of his spine. “It feels good to finally fuck up the curve for other people, especially after having to live with a fucked up curve my entire life,” Peryonie explained. “Looking at x-rays of my back at every visit to the
doctor’s office really helped me on this exam. I feel like I’ve known this shit forever.” Bonaparte was very unenthused about his grade after the exam. “Sure, it’s great for him, he gets a good grade, but what about the rest of us? This is going to set all of us back. To be honest, it’s selfish on his part. I would’ve had a C+ if it weren’t for this guy. He completely ruined the curve for all of us.” “I had a hunch that Alex way going to do well,” Professor Hara said. “He is always working hard and participating in classroom discussions. He is always asking questions to try and better understand the material we go over in class. Now I now that many of my students are unhappy about the curve and their grade on this midterm. Hopefully the students learn to straighten up like Alex—just not physically, of course.” Peryonie has confirmed with The Medium that he will not stop until every student at Rutgers knows his pain.
NewsEdtors James Mullen III Aly Grindall Opinions Editor Jake Goldstein Arts Editor Dan Um Personals Editor Connor McCarthy Page A7 Editor Kevin McClintock Features Editor Darcy Ritt
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The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 117-D of the Livingston Student Center at the Livingston Campus. This week's issue is dedicated to LANDEN. You're the true MVP.
Wednesday, October 19th, 2016 themedium.features@gmail.com
FEATURES
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“That Hennessy did ya dirty.”
CUZ MIDTERMS
3-D BANGIN
“Crammin” Set to the Tune of “Jammin” by Bob Marley BY LATIN MAMA Alright, we´re crammin It´s just what we do We´re crammin, we’re crammin And I know that you’re crammin too Cuz none of us studied And we’re really fucked if we Do not pass this freaking test Cuz every day I oversleep, haven’t been to class in a week Crammin cuz the crammin’s the best We’re crammin And my parents think that I’m gonna pass We’re crammin Or else this semester will be my last! Maybe I’ll bribe my professor, hell, I’ll even sleep with her If she’ll just give me a freaking A But I gotta act really quick, I’ll even suck my professor’s dick, I think that it´s the only way We’re crammin, crammin, crammin, crammin….
WHAT WE ACTUALLY WANT IN THE BATHROOM
“Rack em’ Up”: A Virtual Reality Porn Experience BY BARAK THE MAGIK SEAKOW Have you ever been such an excessively horny burlap sack full of flaming dog turds that, rather than actually stepping outside and talking to a person of the opposite sex who you intend to bang, you’ve opted for a next-dimensional porn experience? Well say hello to porn...in virtual reality! I, Barak the Magik Seakow, spent the summer saving up for a computer upgrade and a virtual reality helmet. I spent $900 on a legitimate gaming platform, the HTC Vive, with which I can now bring myself unprecedented shame… IN 3D!!!! So let’s dive right in and see what VR porn is all about!! Let’s start off with the porn video itself: “Rack em’ Up.” It went as follows: You watch the video from the perspective of a silent human dildo sitting on an armchair. A dirty-blonde woman who appears to be in her 30’s is apparently playing billiards by herself. She promptly comes over and is suddenly naked. The rest is textbook pornography, complete with missionary, cowgirl, reverse cowgirl, and doggy style, with an obligatory gloryshot at the end. The video, as a normal porn, was pretty frickin hot, but admittedly pretty generic. So how did this fare in the third dimension? There is one aspect of this video that makes it an incredible ejaculatory experience that all Slutgers students should experience: size relativity. In normal porn, you’re watching a video with a diameter of only a few inches-- but in virtual reality porn, everything looks like the size it would be in reality. This might not seem like a huge difference, but it is immense. Your brain feels tricked into thinking it is real-- the stiffies that you get here are authentic, and not just a result you being a sperglord who climaxes thinking of the concept of VR porn and not the porn itself. It’s still sexy, and still worth smashin’ the hammer to! VR Porn is here to change the world. Pornhub already has their nuclear scientists and quantum physicists working on a motorized fleshlight that humps your sorry ass totem pole at a rate that is synchronized with the virtual pornstar’s humping of the weiner itself. The future is now! With a solid virtual reality porn setup, you might even successfully delude yourself in believing that you would have any chance of having similarlyeventful encounters with women in real life.
HOMAGE TO BOB MARLEY THIS WEEK. I PROMISE WE’RE NOT ALL STONERS HERE AT THE MEDIUM…JUST MOST OF US. COME JOIN IN ON THE PARTY! 7:45 P.M. WEDNESDAY, RSC 411B
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OPINIONS
Wednesday, October 19th, 2016
themedium.opinions@gmail.com
“You give a mohel an inch and he asks for a foot.”
UNIVERSITY VOICES
How are you going to mourn Pedals? “That is revenge for Darsh.” Lesly Patel Is this too soon?
“His death is a tragedy. Flags should be flown at half staff.” Darcy Fiesta Was hugging a tree on Douglass.
“Who the fuck is Pedals?” Sifat Chaifa Doesn’t care about Pedals’ plight.
NO SHIT, SHERLOCK
Rutgers Football Isn’t Doing So Great This Year BY JIM BAMFORD
Now let me tell you folks, I’ve gone to all but two Rutgers football games since I graduated back in ‘81, and those were when my daughter got married, and when she needed bail money. But, and I hate to be the bearer of bad news; I don’t think the Rutgers team is doing too hot this year. Honestly, I’m not sure they’ll even make it to the championships. Now, Rutgers has really given it all this past weekend, but sometimes that just isn’t enough. They did only lose by 17 points, but their track record this season isn’t too hot. Right now they’re 2-5, the same as my daughter’s child to abortion ratio. But next week we’ll be playing Minnesota, and I feel like the boys have a real shot at another W. My daughter once ran away to Minnesota for a few months. She wanted to move to Detroit to marry Eminem. She’s not the brightest star in the sky, but she’s still my little arsonist. It’s really a bummer about this year’s team. I was super excited to bring my daughter to the championship game. I haven’t seen her in almost two years now. I’ve tried calling her, but she stopped picking up when I stopped funding her coke addiction. I was really hoping for an improvement with Chris Laviano, but maybe he just hasn’t hit his stride yet. I’m still holding out faith for our team, just like my daughter. One day, they’ll prove everyone wrong.
POINT/COUNTERPOINT
I LOVE BREASTFEEDING MY BABY BY TAYLEE MATHERS Okay, to start off, I LOVE being a mom, it is the greatest gift ever. Every day I fall more and more in love with my beautiful baby, Braddie (pronounced Bray-dee). I love buying cute little outfits and dressing him up; I think the sailor outfit is his favorite. But I think the best thing about being a mom is breastfeeding. It is truly an amazing experience and I wouldn’t trade anything for it. Until you have a child and you feed them your milk, you really don’t understand what a true bond is. Whenever I’m breastfeeding, I look down at my beautiful 54 month-old son, and his eyes are always closed; he’s so calm and relaxed. I’ve tried to explain to my husband, Brett, the connection I share with our soon; I even let him try some of my breast milk, straight from my breast. He liked the taste (he actually loved it), but he still didn’t understand the connection. I’ve come to accept that no one will ever understand except for me and Braddie.
Stop Feeding Me Your Disgusting Breast Milk BY BRADY Look Mom, I’ve had enough of your shit. I can take the stupid outfits, like that goddamn sailor one you always have me wear. Shit, I can even take the stupid fucking spelling of my name you and good ol’ Pops gave me. But I have to draw the line at this breastfeeding crap. I’m not into it anymore; I’m actually pretty disgusted to be honest. Every time you feed me, I have to close my eyes in shame and pretend I’m in a happier place, like StorybookLand or Canada. I know you think that it brings us closer, but damn it woman, I flew out of your vagina. I’d say that’s pretty close enough. While we’re at it, can you please stop referring to me as your “54 month-old baby.” I’m fucking FOUR AND A HALF YEARS OLD. I’ve learned curse words, and have even witnessed and comprehended the fights you and Pops have had. (Quick note, doesn’t it hurt when dad stabs you with his pee-pee? He always seem so angry and aggressive, that can’t be very comfortable). At this rate, in a few years I’ll be one of those obnoxious Wall Street Yuppies who can only have sex with hookers because “no woman can compare to my mother.” So basically, if you don’t want me to become a sociopathic, drug-addled, commitment-phobic fuck, then it would be in both of our best interests if you just STOP FEEDING ME YOUR NASTY BREASTMILK. The Medium meets Wednesdays at 7:45PM in room 411B of the Rutgers Student Center. Send your hate mail to not me. We also meet on Mondays in 117D in the Livingston Student Center. Come, I swear to God, it’s fun, also if you like to write send in opinions to themedium.opinions@gmail.com And if you see us on Tinder? Super like us or swipe right. We’re a good time, and a cheap date. I love you.
Wednesday, October 19th, 2016
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DICK OF THE WEEK: “WHEN HE SEEMS COOL BUT IS A DICK ON THE INSIDE” BY DUDE
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PERSONALS
the Medium
This is North Jersey
How do I reverse the irreversible damage I have done to my liver?
My roommate thinks Central Jersey is real.
Dear Hot British R.A. in livi C
Think of it this way. Remember the Civil War? The North fought the South. There wasn’t a third group of “the Central”. It’s only logical that individual states are similarly structured. Thus, Central Jersey doesn’t exist.
1. Why do you seem to have a different girlfriend every 6 months? 2. Can I be next?
I’ve always wanted to style my mustache into a handlebar style like old fashioned cartoon villains. I’ve always wanted to do that. If you do it, and actually form a league of villainy of some sort, let me know. I’m occassionally useful. Happy Birthday Personals Editor! My birthday is in April, you ignorant boob.
themedium.personals@gmail.com
“What year is it?”
Friendliness
You realise that the definition of irreversible is that it cannot be reversed, right? You’re gonna need time travel. Fortunately, I can do that. Meet me at dawn.
Wednesday, October 19th, 2016
What number am I thinking of? Is it eight hundred trillion, seventy three billion, six hundred and fourty three million, four hundred and ninety three thousand, two hundred and sixty nine? What should I be for halloween? You should get a mold of your face so that when people ask where your costume is, you can take off your face to reveal another face.
I dedicate this section in memory of our dear friend, Pedals. He was a dear friend to New Jersey residents everywhere, and was much needed comic relief in these dreadful election season. Rest In Peace.
Hopeless Crushes
If his relationships don’t last long, it’s perfectly fine to put yourself out there once his current one inevitibly ends! I recommend letting him know your interested by flirting with him while wearing a sexy sombrero made out of straw. He’ll be yours in a week! I have a crush and I don’t know how to visit her at her job without creeping her out. Didn’t you ask this last week? Just go as if you’re there for whatever her job is. It gives you a reason to talk to her. If you send another personal like this, I’m ignoring it.
School Stuff Some people piss in the shower. Me, I sleep on my refridgerator. That can’t be comfortable. Why don’t you sleep on the kitched table like a normal person? I miss Rutgers Crushes. I’m personally conflicted. On the one hand, it was funny. On the other hand, I was one of the last people they tweeted about and I don’t want to lose that honor.
Have you decided you need to get involved more? Don’t know enough people? Come visit us! Our meetings are at the Rutgers Student Center, room 411B at 7:45 P.M.!
Orange Is A Word
I want to use this place to complain about social justice warriors, but they’re such a constant nusience that I’m sure it’s been done to death. So instead, I’m going to list words that rhyme with orange: Doorhinge Sporange Blorenge Syringe (kinda) Orange Sadness
The Women Section
I was driving to school and I saw a dead, decaying cat on the side of the road being eaten by vultures. It was sad seeing the cats rotting flesh being mercilessly devoured by those avian fiends.
I keep falling in love with lesbians.
There’s nothing wrong with vultures eating dead cats. Animals die all the time, and they are either eaten by other animals, and are therefore used as the living animals life force, or decay back into the earth and become new dirt. Dirt is plant food. Tell me something, friend. What happened to you? Animals eating each other are part of the cycle of life. Why do you hate life? I was going to send you this before, but it took RU Wireless 9 days to load my Email service.
I went to Shabbat dinner last week and everyone was in awe because I’m brown.
Glad to hear our internet is improving! It took me 14 days when I was a freshman.
Paint yourself green next time . You’ll be even more awe inspiring!
Jealousy
The absolute feeling of dread when you see 2 lectures get out and realize it’s gonna be an hour for a bus. It’s not nearly as big of a deal as it seems. If the crowds are too big, just imitate a siren and run towards the door. People have been classically conditioned to move out of the way of sirens, so you’ll have no issues getting on!
The Yard looks like Livingston and College Ave’s aborted baby. And look how well it turned out. A decent place to live, decent food, and it’s conveinient. Next to the existance of the entitrety of the housing department, it’s the best argument for abortion I’ve ever heard!
Do you know who lesbians are attracted to? Lesbians. So all you need to do is convert to lesbianism, and you’ll finally find love. You’re a fish woman. How many times do I need to explain this. I. AM. NOT. A. FISH. WOMAN.
Food and Nature Is it just me, or does pine nut hummus taste exactly like bud? I think it’s just you. If you want to know for sure, do a taste test with pine nut hummus and bud mixed in the most tasteless brownie you can find? Does Wendy’s serve brownies? Pretty much everything there has no taste. What’s the point of Cooper Dining Hall? Cooper dining hall, like all abandoned buildings, exist primarily to prevent nature from growing. Life is a constant struggle between technology and nature. And there’s no hope for nature. I hugged a tree and my clothes are now covered in sap. The phrase tree-hugger isn’t meant literally. It’s not like shitting bricks.
DRESS FOR DISTRESS
Hillary Clinton Deletes Her JC Penny Rewards Password in Email Scandal By Tonto Goldberg PUN CONNOISSEUR
WASHINGTON--Staff for Hillary Clinton have announced that she will be suspending all of her campaigning before Election Day. Although there has not been an official statement to the press, political pundits speculate that her lack of appearences is due to her running out of pantsuits to wear while on the campaign trail. Those within her campaign report that Clinton has tried numerous times to get into her account, but can’t remember her password. While this is common, Trump’s investigative doctors are attributing the sudden memory loss to a preexisting medical condition. Luckily for Clinton, Russian President for life Vladimir Putin has offered to hack Clinton’s email to help her retrieve her password. Even Donald Trump has even weighted in on the issue. In a statement to Fox news he said “We don’t know who
Is the election getting you down? Need a platform to vent about your unambiguously relevant opinions? Do you actually want to defend one of these clowns? You can, we censor nothing! Come on down to the Medium on Wednesdays in room 411B of the Rutgers Student Center at 7:45!
could hack Clinton’s account, it could be Russians but it also could be China we just don’t know.” When asked about this dilemma, forgotten nominee Gary Jonson issued his response via an interpretive dance which reads as follows: “Who cares about Clinton and her pantsuits or emails. The sun is going to eventually grow and encompass the Earth anyway.” Bernie Sanders has said that he is surprised that this “Wall Street candidate like Clinton needs JC Penny rewards to buy her pantsuits. My family has been using JC Penny rewards since we were evicted from the Casbah in the late 90’s. We needed to save every penny because we came out of the Casbah ‘dead broke’”. As this story developed, a tape was released by Fox News early this morning wherein Clinton is recorded saying to former President Bill Clinton “This is the exact reason why I don’t have stronger passwords!” There has been no word yet on whether Secretary Clinton has considered buying pantsuits elsewhere.
POLL DANCERS
NCRNC Staff Fixes Poorly SprayPainted Swastika By Corey Butane In the wake of the vandalism attack on the NCRNC headquarters, the staff took preliminary steps to correct the poorly drawn nazi symbol on the side of their building. ‘We were absolutely appalled about the poor quality of the vandalism,” said NCRNC chairperson Joanne Krueger, “If you’re gonna make a symbol of hate, at least make it the right symbol.”
Clinton Preps For Final Debate With 5-Day Long Nap By Jonathan Masters According to sources close to the campaign, Hillary Clinton’s five days of debate prep will be spent just taking one long nap. This nest will occur on a hammock in Chappaqua, NY, where the Clinton primary residence is located. “Because of the great weather, she’s really just said ‘fuck it,’” said The Medium’s unnamed source. According to another source, Clinton has finished forming all of her opponents ideas into a comprehensive policy book that’s over 900 pages. She did this in order to “destroy that mother fucker right in the pussy.”
October 19Th, 2016 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com PEW!
RUTGERS SAVES MILLIONS NOT SHOOTING OFF THE CANNON THIS YEAR BY MIKE HAWK PUN ENTHUSIAST
PISCATAWAY— This
past week was the quarterly financial meeting for Rutgers where officials discuss and disclose information about this year’s budget. For the most part the meeting went as planned. As usual Rutgers makes a fuck ton of money handing out parking tickets to innocent students who are just trying to make it to class on time or by forcing students to buy a $250 parking pass so they can park on campus. Then make them park on a different campus that they live on and then ticket them anyway if they try to park anywhere else. However, there was a surprising piece of information that came out of the quarterly fiscal meeting. Right now Rutgers is saving about $5 million from its budget because of the lack of gunpowder being purchased for home football games.
"CANNON YOU NOT?"
The Hunt has turned into something more the likes of a wild goose chase. The wild goose being a touchdown and our Scarlet Knights being blissfully unaware what a goose is. In the past three weeks Rutgers was outscored 153 0 which means a lot of gunpowder used to fire off the cannon went unused. We have accumulated so much that Rutgers refused to buy
anymore gunpowder being that it is bought in bulk. Based off of our performance the past few weeks it is safe to say that we have enough gunpowder to get us through the next 3 years. The question now becomes what to use all of the extra money originally allocated to cannon use on. Rutgers has released a list of 5 possible choices and we have
HOW ROMO-NTIC
KEYS TO THE MATCHUP
COWBOYS FANS EAGERLY AWAIT TONY ROMO'S RETURN DALLAS— As
1. Forget everything you know 1. Don’t think about your about football, because let’s game plan too much, we are face it is probably not much. easily confused. 2. Remember the fundamentals 2. Keep in mind that if you lose of catching, tackling, and you will be the laughing stock knowing which team you are of the league for a few weeks. on. 3. Disorient our QB by 3. Stop looking for other shouting “Pass to me!” there schools to transfer to. is a high chance that he will. 4. Keep your head in the game and not on the hoard of Minnesotans who are expecting a slaughter.
them listed here for you ‘partially lower tuition for all students’, ‘free food at football games’, ‘better wi-fi’, ‘free back-packs’ and ‘a better football team’. Our team did some polling around the streets of New Brunswick to find out what the students wanted most on the list. Johnny Sunday had this to say “I - I think we could all use a better football team. Partly because of the whole school pride thing but mostly because all of our home games are always at noon because we suck so we don’t get the prime times. Then I have to wake up early to get drunk and I’m not sure how much longer my liver can take it”. About 90% of the students we polled think that the extra money should go towards obtaining a better football team. We can only hope Rutgers hears our plea and puts some extra effort into having a football team that lives up to the standards set by the Big Ten.
4. The Rutgers defense is like a condom, because they are from Rutgers there are a few holes you can get through.
5. Hold out until next season 5. If you score more than 7 where recruitment might points, you are probably set bring in a decent team. and can take the rest of the game off.
BY HUGH G. RECTION PENIS ANALYST
the Dallas Cowboys, led by rookie quarterback Dak Prescott, coasted to yet another victory, fans could not help but await the return of “franchise” quarterback Tony Romo. Fans of the divisionleading Cowboys are eagerly looking forward to a couple of weeks from now when the paper-skinned and glass-boned $18 million Romo returns to the lineup. When The Medium’s representatives took the streets to see what real Cowboys fans had to say, they were not disappointed. “Yeah, Dak Prescott may be playing really well and may have led Dallas to a 5-1 record, but the team would definitely be doing better with Tony [Romo]. It’s great that Dallas’s amazing owner, Jerry Jones, guaranteed Tony his starting spot the second that he gets back from yet another injury.” these were the words
That damn lx SInce 1970
of Gerald Jonas, confirmed real Cowboys fan. “We need the Cowboys to bring back Romo. That guy just looks like a great white quarterback; he is far better than that mulatto guy.” were the choice words of one Texan by the name of Ken Paxton. Paxton went on to endorse Romo by not talking about football at all, stating that “Prescott is probably one of them illegal aliens, and I don’t think that he belongs on America’s team.” Reports indicate that Cowboys fans do not care about having a quarterback who will finally win games and will not get injured every time he gets hit on the field. Instead, they just want Tony Romo back on the field. It seems that the bright, shining light that is Dak Prescott’s 2016 performance just is not white enough for Dallas fans.