The
Medium
The Entertainment Weekly of Sliming Out of a Lost Bet
EDITORIALS
“What do Cambodian genocide, abortion and the Holocaust have in common?”
A Minute w/ the EiC: Something You Should Probably Know
Wednesday, October 23rd, 2002
The Sniper:
Birth of an American Icon
You may have noticed by now that a bit of the ink from this paper rubs off on your hands. Normally, you would curse a bit, wipe it off on a napkin, wash it off or what have you. This week, you might want to do that a bit faster than usual, as this issue is to be printed with the last few barrels of some old industrial-grade ink that, from what I hear, was recalled a number of years ago. This, according to that anonymous source in the chemistry program, is because a major drying chemical was found to cause cancer upon contact with the skin. So here’s what you should do: stop reading the issue immediately, and put napkins or some sort of covering over your hands to avoid directly contacting the ink on the pages. Obviously, we want you to continue reading and enjoying the paper, but this note serves to absolve The Medium, and Rutgers University as a whole against any adverse effects that the reader may recieve from direct contact with the ink on this issue. This should only effect this issue, and is not anything you need to worry about for next week. We apologize for what we feel is a needless inconvenience.
Thank you, Martin Babitz Editor in Chief, The Medium
Retaliasian- Carol Hu, News Editor On October 9th, I wrote an article titled “Asian Retaliation.” At the point in which I wrote that article, my emotions were of slightly peeved, to perhaps a little mad, but nonetheless I still had respect for my peers of “different colors.” Unfortunately, I don’t really have time to discuss the extent of my annoyance about this subject, but I do want to address the kindly person who wrote a personal to me, describing me as having “the curves of a 12 year-old boy.” If in fact, I do have the curves of a 12 year-old boy, it doesn’t relate to my article. Thanks to this person who said, “fuck you” to me, I have gained more respect for people who live to humiliate Asians. Of course the author of this personal forgot how to spell, with such a strong argument, I hardly know how to respond to it. My emotions are wild with rage? Happiness? Whichever feeling I have now, I am truly enthralled at how educated Rutgers students are. I’m glad, because I’m “asain” and my “fealings” don’t matter. We’ll see who has the last laugh.
-Ben Schachtman, Ops/Eds Editor In this day and age of petty personal squabbles, bickering over ‘who played who’ and ‘whose nigga is most thugged out’ and ‘whose Camaro Z-28 is most pimpin’ and of course ‘whose business execs shredded what documents’ it is as refreshing as a spring breeze to see someone met out death and dismemberment with the pure egalitarian sophistication of The Sniper. Part of the charm is that we don’t really know much about The Sniper, it could be an Islamic fundamentalist, but that’s so last year (last 9/11 - to be exact). The Black Panthers haven’t done anything in decades, and student radicals have been quiet since the SDS became the weatherman and then blew themselves up in the Village, so maybe it is them. Maybe the anti-abortionists are trying to preemptively kill anyone who might possibly be considering abortion. Maybe the pro-choice advocates are trying to preemptively kill anyone who might preemptively kill them first. Maybe, somewhere, a woman finally got tired of dealing with a world run by men for men and decided to flip out. The fact is though, whoever it is, The Sniper is good, really good. One shot, one kill, damn near every time. With the mystique of an international spy and the precision of a well-trained SWAT team member, The Sniper is very good. Therein lies my point, The Sniper, whoever it is, is good, but they could be great. All The Sniper needs is a little focus, and since The Sniper can’t seem to decide who it is exactly that is being lashed out against, I am offering my services, to help give voice to the public, to serve society, and share in the greatness that is killing someone from a football field away for absolutely no reason.
Voice Your Opinion:
Who Should The Sniper Whack Next?
2
1
Sean “P. Diddy” Combs
3
Avril Lavigne
The Elderly
-The Ignornant Personal in Question“I want to send out a big fuck you to the broad that wrote asian retaliation. I’m sue you have all the curves of a 12 year old boy. I don’t give a shit about your fealings and I will mock asains until it stops being hilarious. and I wouldn’t hold my breath on that one.” Sex will sell papers. Funny only make lonely. So we put sex in.
The 1st Amendment doesn’t even begin to protect this.
Send your picks to CollegeBen@Hotmail.Com!!!
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Sniper! Opinions News Knews GMG Feaures
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Arts Sniper! Sniper! Personals What’s Shaking
Cover by: A glorious collaboration of Jim Kohl and Liz Finelli
THE
MEDIUM
CONTENTS
fnord
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Opinions Editor News Editor GMG Editor Arts Editor Faculty Advisor
Martin Babitz Ryan Beckman Stainmatic Ben Schachtman Carol Hu Ryan Beckman Aija McKenzie Jeff Buechner
Personals Editors Photography Editor What’s Shakin’ Editor Online Editor Advertising Manager Staff Artist Senior Editor
Apple Platypies Liz Finelli Amy Groark Michael Wyzard Mike Stanley Carol Hu Amy Groark
THE MEDIUM is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and are not necessarily shared by THE MEDIUM. Submission and business deadline is Sunday at 12:00 pm. THE MEDIUM is located in the SAC Cubicle N. All correspondence may be addressed to THE MEDIUM SAC Box 78, New Brunswick, N.J. 08903 or emailed to prometus@hotmail.com. God hates gays because once He got turned down at a swinger’s party.
Wednesday, October 23rd, 2002
OPINIONS OPINIONS
“They’re all Funny!!!”
However, there are some mornings when I wake up, and the ol’ tin soldier is squeaking “Oil-Can! Oil-Can!” and, well, darned if he don’t sound most in distress. I know its not right to be spilling my seed, “masturbating” as those filthy left-wing communists call it, so I keep my god-fearin’ hands to myself. I can’t help wonder though, if it ain’t begging God’s pardon only a little bit to give it a little rub against the mattress, for good luck, you know. Sometimes, well, I do go a bit far, what with the humping the bedspread until the springs cave out and the misses is roused from cross the hall. I usually tell her I’m having the ol’ night terrors again. Just between me and you, I ain’t been caught yet. Still, there’s this naggin’ voice that keeps me wonderin’, if maybe He sees me, giving it to the ol’ mattress on those crisp, winter mornings, when I know the misses’ jaw will be powerful sore from the weather, and not in the way of fellatin’ her loving husband. Well, at the least, kind reader, I hope you won’t be judging me too harshly. I’m just a man you know, even if I am the Vice President.
The Importance of Being Cheney - Dick Cheney
Morning Wood - The Ethical Conundrum Many morning when I wake up, I spring from my bed, tip-toe across the hall to Mrs. Cheney’s room and wake her up for our morning Quaker Oats. Afterwards, the misses fellates me dutifully while I shred legal documents concerning my sale of petroleum stocks to Osama Bin Laden. Who knew he’d go all “9-11” on us! Well, nothing a few hours in the ol’ shreddin’ room can’t fix. Afterwards, I usually take a few meetings, and then eat lunch, and then its usually time to meet the Press, gotta clean up after W. if you know what I mean. Ah, the boy means well, be he sure can make a heckuva mess out a press conference, can’t he. Wheeeee doggies.
This Week’s Challenger
Man-Fact: Ignorant woman are still hot!
This Week’s Other Challenger
My Opinion By The Explicit Cracker
Mud Wrestling: The Medium Executive Bully VS D.C. Sniper By “Pink Eyed” Jim Cortina As newly appointed Executive Bully of The Medium (Jim apointed himself, its not a real title, but, then again, he has so little to live for...Ed.), my first act is to challenge the infamous D.C. Sniper to a mud wrestling match to the death. And in true wrestling fashion, I will now proceed to taunt my opponent until he gets his girly ass in a ring with me. First of all, what kind of man are you? Are you such a bitch-ass that you don’t think you could physically restrain or harm any of your victims? Or are you afraid that a thirteen year old boy could beat you in a fight? Look at your list of victims: The youngest man you shot was thirty nine, a thirty nine year old probably couldn’t run away from you with out wheezing, and you had to shoot him while he was mowing the lawn? God you’re a pussy. You shot a twenty five year old woman, the one victim that could have possibly been any threat, while she was vacuuming her car. At least a decent serial killer gives his victims a fighting chance (This is not true, only in Hollywood do stupid blond bimbos even get a chance Ed.). What a tool. Second of all, you’re not even a marginal sniper. A real sniper aims for the medulla oblongata, there are no post shot reflexes and the person just drops. Not only do you choose weak victims, but you can’t hit the medulla oblongata. You shot the thirteen year old in the chest; you shot a forty three year old woman in the back. Hell, you didn’t even get the kill with one of your victims. You are such a loser. If you want to call yourself a sniper, you better get back to the shooting range for a while; I’m more accurate with a slingshot (No, David, you are not - Ed.) Thirdly, being a sniper is the most cowardly way to fight that I can imagine. Hide and kill people that aren’t even looking at you. Gee, that takes some big, round, hairy cojones, doesn’t it? You’d probably shit your pants if somebody pointed a gun at you. I can only imagine what will happen if you step in a ring with me. I’d break your god-damned face, beat you with your own shoes, and poke your fucking eye out. Then I’d pull down your pants and rape you with the barrel of your own rifle, right in your Jeep Liberty®, then I’d put my ten pound bratwurst in your asshole, scream, “Can you smell what my cock is fucking?”, give you the people’s elbow, flip you over, and give you a Dirty Sanchez. Next, I’d make you suck the shitty barrel end of your rifle before blowing your worthless brains out with it. So, come on, bitch-ass, step into the ring with a real man. Come and get the Old Too Long? Trenton Beat-Down© that you deserve. Email me, the Medium Executive Bully at pinkeyedjim@hotmail.com. Too Stupid? Or are you too chicken, bitch ass? (Jim, while lovingly tolerated around the Medium, underestimates how much I fucking love The Sniper! - Ed.)
Too Bad!
I’m here in the trenches to prove that I still have what it takes to opine with the most fiendishly ignornat of them. However, as this weekend is the Coors Light SemiFinal competition at ATCO raceway, I have to get my ‘76Camaro in peak racing shape. That means I don’t have a lot of time to fuck around with this. So I’m going to let the simple beauty of my argument (And a desturbing picture of the Explicit Cracler’s nephew Mallard - Ed.) convey itself.
Put children in jail forever.
VS
Unbelievably Hot Half Black - Half Asian Women! Dead Enron CEOs!!! It does NOT get better folks.
Come to the Medium. Livingston Student Center Room 113 Wednesday @ 9pm
News
“smush: the test for mouse poop or hash”
MARYLAND/D.C. GAS STATIONS ANNOUNCE BOLD NEW HIRING CAMPAIGN MENTALLY CHALLENGED TO BE GIVEN NEW JOBS by brian benson STAFF WRITER & RUBBER CUNT LOVER
Bowie, Maryland-- Four of the Washington D.C areas largest gas station chains have this week announced a bold new staffing policy that will see hundreds of the Maryland/D.C. areas retarded citizens working at the pumps. Frank Phillips, Human Resources coordinator for Exxon announced the plan from behind a ten-inch thick glass barrier to reporters. Phillips called the new policy of using "special" gas station attendants as "groundbreaking" and he hopes all citizens come out and allow the retarded workers to walk the fifteen feet from the store to the pumps, instead of getting out of there own cars, calling it a "convenience issue". Phillips also announced that the petroleum companies will have as many as eight "extra" retarded employees on hand in case any of the other ones, "become ill, or are for some strange reason injured" while serving a customer. Critics of the new hiring, including disabled rights activist Denise Hayes say they think the gas station owners have some sort of ulterior motive for suddenly flooding there stores with large quantities of retarded adults. "They keep saying it's a kind gesture, but there's got to be something else to it", Hayes went on to add that "I just can't put my finger on it, but they (the owners) must have some kind of plan". Exxon representative Phillips bristled at the mistrust by activists like Hayes, calling it "off target sniping", and "a shot in the dark". One Shell executive became so unnerved by the critic's doubts about the retarded employee-hiring plan at the press conference that he dove under the podium when a nearby car backfired. Several other local businesses are following in the gas station chains lead of hiring from groups that are often discriminated against in the workplace. Five northern Virginia Home Depots announced that they would hire Mexican immigrants to carry customer's purchases to their vehicles, saying in a written statement that the Mexicans, "deserve a shot".
Haven’t you wondered what guys think about their “junk?” Do they feel inadequate? Confident? Overly confident? Now you can read about what the guys on staff think about their “willies”... I asked these guys what they thought about their penis... Martin Babitz, EiC/Whole Jew: “I think it’s really pretty and REALLY REALLY enormous. Any guy or girl would just LOVE for me to jam my HUGE cock in their designated holes.” Michael Stanley, Business/Ads, Personals/ Non-Jew: “I like it. It serves me well. It’s been good to me so far. I hope I can have many more active years with my friend.”
Ben Schachtman, Ops/Ed/Half Jew: “I’m happy with it. It’s no slater kinney, but it’s alright.”
Ryan Beckman, Features/Managing/ Half Jew: “At least it’s not Asian.”
Troy Crowder, STAFF Chowder: “I’m glad it reaches my body and others on occasion. It’s the best one I’ve had.”
Dan, The Man: “I think every woman should try it.
Chris D, Jesse Fischer’s Best-friend: “I think it’s weird beard. I think I am a world bank fund leftist the review and Jesse Fischer.”
Larry, STAFF Asian #3: “It’s an Asian penis, so it’s long, big, and good to ride.”
Cameron, Rubber Vagina or Bridget: “[It’s] the shiniest, smallest, most greatest phallic object god ever gave to women.”
News Briefs
Paul, STAFF Milton: “It’s there.”
The Targum has recently announced that they will no longer be accepting articles from stupid people. As one Targum Editor commented, “Many people send us potential articles and expect us to print them, but they are so poorly written that we just hold a minibonfire in our office.” Our inside source tells us that all of the articles are written by Chris Lang, but claim to be written by other staff members and contributors.
there are more telephones than people, in Washington D.C. (below part) by michael stanley business & ads manager, personals editor
hey kids! you’ve read the medium, but have you ever thought about writing for us? it’s great for your resume! send news articles to carolhu@eden.rutgers.edu or come to a meeting tonight at 9:30 pm in room 113 of livingston student center. what else do you have to do on a wednesday night? if you’re reluctant about coming, then visit us on the web: www.themedium.net
Wednesday, October 23rd, 2002
A Livingston College student called 911 on October 20th, when his hanging rod from his closet became stuck in his asshole. It became lodged in his rear when he and his roommate began attempting to get a gerbil out of his asshole. When the police arrived on the scene to an “emergency” they couldn’t control themselves, and pissed their pants laughing. The police proceeded to teasing the student for 15 minutes before asking how the rod became lodged in his asshole. The EMS was called to the scene and brought the student to Robert Wood Johnson Hospital where his parents were called. The following day the student applied to transfer to another University.
Apparently Rutgers/Academy bus drivers enjoy closing doors on students, while being apologetic upfront, inside they are really just making their day a little less boring. What can you expect from people who just sit in a bus all day, driving the same routes all day and everyday? “It’s so damn boring being cooped up in here, that’s why most of us take drugs and drink while driving... I mean that’s why we accidentally shut the doors on some unfortunate students. It’s just a little bit of harmless fun,” commented one bus driver. A little complaint was put in by one student who has been screwed by New Brunswick landlords for the last time. “My landlord can suck my dick, our heat isn’t working and he can’t even find some time in his hectic schedule to keep us from freezing to death, meanwhile he couldn’t give a damn whether we get shot to death either. Evidently he thinks that it is no big deal, but I would like to see him rent this place out to his daughters.”
Wednesday, October 23rd, 2002
“send news to: carolhu@eden.rutgers.edu”
News
Anti-Abortion Activists Save World From Sin, Other Problems By colin marchiando
COURTNEY LOVE: AN EMPOWERED WOMAN
STAFF WRITER
BY CUNNILINGUS MCMUFFDIVER
NEW YORK--
After years of struggle to ban the sinful and immoral practice of abortion, several groups claimed victory on Thursday. As it became official that abortions will no longer take place in the future. The UN officially revoked a woman’s right to choose the future of her unborn child. The official statement, released at the beginning of Thursday’s session in New York stated, “After careful consideration, we have come to the unanimous decision that the main problem facing the world today is a drastically low human population. Women simply need to have more babies and everything else will fall into place. Finally, the world will be free from its sinful ways and in doing so, we presume God will fix our other concerns.” While the decision has generated a great deal of criticism from various groups, it has received a great deal of support from the Bush administration. In an unrelated briefing on national security, secretary of defense Donald Rumsfeld cited the decision saying, “We anticipate a new wave of unwanted children that will aid us in fueling our mighty baby bombs with their sweet baby grease and related baby juices. This is an incredible time for America.”
Dirty Man Caught By jethro T. ullenberg STAFF POOPER
This past weekend the local authorities received numerous phone calls complaining of a man seen sitting on a park bench, eyeing little girls with bad intent. After receiving several complaint calls the police came to the scene, approached the man and asked him to leave. Upon questioning, The Medium was able to determine the man’s name as Ian Anderson and he was looking for a “Cross-eyed Mary” at the campus. This man was described as “sitting on the bench with snot running down his nose and greasy fingers smearing shabby clothes” by someone who ran into this stranger. When asked what he was doing by the police the man responded he was “Drying in the cold sun, Watching as the frilly panties run, Feeling like a dead duck spitting out pieces of his broken luck.” Feeling bad for him the officers decided not to arrest him.
STAFF WRITER
For women everywhere, it is becoming more and more difficult to find a positive role model. With all the Beyonce Knowles, Britney Spearseses and Shakiras on television and in other media, women the world over are held up to unrealistic expectations of how they should look, should act, and should live. Courtney Love, founding member of the rock band Hole, is one of pop music's more grounded Gyno-Americans; a strong woman, a famous musician, and accomplished actress. But more then that, she is a single mother raising her daughter in today's phallus-dominated, oversexed, appearance-concerned world. In 1991, Love and her band Hole released their debut album "Pretty on the Inside", a wonderful symphony declaring the joy and wondrousness of being a woman who is comfortable with the way she looks. In 1992, she married Kurt Cobain of the legendary male-rock band Nirvana. Cobain became the "spokesman of the generation", and the focus began to shift away from Love. Like any truly empowered woman would do, Courtney had Kurt killed in 1994. But Cobain, like the horrible man-pig-bastard he is, posthumously overshadowed Love, becoming somewhat of a legend and martyr. Courtney was not one to bend over and take it though, and in the late nineties she began to fight for the rights to Cobains lyrics and songs. But the evil-surviving members of Nirvana would not let her have the wealth of music she had married into. After lengthy legal battles, and a narrowly avoided court-appointed mental health exam, Love conceded to have the unreleased Nirvana material released. But like the good mother she is, she made sure it cost those pigs dearly. In order to better support her daughter, Francis Bean, that is. Love also is known for her acting, delivering portrayals of other empowered women in such movies as Sid and Nancy, and The People VS Larry Flynt. Courtney received attention for her use of heroin, most notably while pregnant with her daughter. But the ever-resilient Love sprang back, receiving a Golden Globe for her role in The People Vs. Larry Flynt, in which she played a smack-addict stripper turned pornstar. Quoth Love, "It was a role I was born to play. Milos [Forman, director] said I was a natural." So let's hear it for a woman who wouldn't let a man get her down, who wouldn't let the phallus-owned media companies destroy her good name, and who was before and is still now a positive role model all women should aspire to be like.
Medium journalist, Max Cable later was able to get an interview with Ian. During the interview Max uncovered more about this mysterious “Crosseyed Mary.” Ian described her as “Cross-eyed Mary finds it hard to get along. She's a poor man's rich girl and she'll do it for a song.” Max was unable to find out exactly what she would do for a song, but he later came to his own conclusion. At the end of the interview Ian invited Max to “Bungle in the Jungle” saying “I’m a tiger when I want love, I’m snake if you disagree.” Max declined his invitation to go down by the waterhole and get drunk, since it was Friday.
JOIN US TONIGHT @ LIVINGSTON STUDENT CENTER, RM: 113 @ 9:30 PM
GMG JESUS LOVES ABORTIONS! by The Writer’s Block
“I dropped a nut in my iced-tea.”
Wednesday, October 23rd 2002
Lovin the Dead by the mad typer
Oh, sure you might sneer at the sound of the title, but Hey dudes, last week there was like this huge hear me out. Nothing is like a fresh kill to satisfy my anti-abortion show in front of Brower. I don’t hungry man tool. I mean, a body still warm from, know if you guys caught it, but there were like let's say, a biological attack, or a sniper's bullet, makes these huge bloody pictures of dead baby fetuses. a great toy to spew your hot man milk into. I thought It was simply amazing; I had never been so hunI'd never try necrophelia but, after visiting my gry in my entire life! The pictures of tiny pink Grandma's grave, I knew I had to stick my throbbaby arms covered with blood had my stomach bing cock into her good ol, oozing snatch. Oh and I grumbling for hours! I was drooling as I walked also had to mung her..... tasty..... After violating her past picture after scrumptious picture of freshly dead corpse, I realized how much fun it was to play vacuumed baby meat. I was imagining the picwith limp wrikled fun bags...... So I went on a voytures of baby thighs covered with blood as being age of discovery, exhuming all different kinds of bodan oven toasted, seasoned baby roast, with ies and penetrating assholes of the dead. The older ketchup of course! the corpse the better. But, in the end, I found that Luckily, Brower was right there so I rushed in to little children were the best lays. So when I heard satisfy my enormous hunger for baby flesh. Howthat a 7 year old was found murdered, I knew I had ever, I was soon turned off by the fact that to sneak into her cemetary for some late night booty. Brower’s baby back ribs would not REALLY Oh how I ravaged he tiny cold asshole... be baby back ribs. So instead of eating at MMMMMMMMM just thinking about that makes Brower, I simply masturbated instead, you see me want another prepubesant rotting peice of ass. pictures of bloody abortions make me horny too. Don't knock this I simply imagined myself being on the receiving glorious act til end of a soft baby blowjob from a decapitated you've tried it, and head of an aborted baby. It would be great cuz believe me, once while I receive the blowjob from the bloody vacuyou have cold umed baby head; I could also finger the head in the area where its neck should be at the same While most people interpret this painting to be of Jesus’s pussy, you'll never time (I like to give as much as I receive, just a lil’ great battle against space aliens, I think this article sheds want another warm one again. And memo to all you fine guys out there, wink, wink). new light onto the subject... dead baby stew. don't forget, like A few minutes after this Sometimes I wanna get the contents of four aborthe Yankees, the photo was taken... so was tion vacuum containers and pour it on the floor and roll around in the mixture Halocaust will the little kid... haha... get of dead baby parts and mother fluids, providing myself with an orgasm that it? TAKEN make a come back. only dead baby parts and mother fluids can provide, tantalizing!!! This is weird I know, but I cannot help it; I just love aborted babies. I feel this has to do with me being a Christian, because everyone knows that Jesus was the biggest abortion lover of them all. Ah yes, I remember reading the passage from the gospel of Matthew that described the fascination the Son of Man had and my massive black cock... kill with the unborn sons of man. The way Jesus would eat greasy bacon strips of whitey! dead aborted baby without even cooking it and then shitting it out and rubbing Random Rant it all over his divine body. As it says in Matthew 6:66 .This there no greater joy than worshipping Thy Abba Father? Ah, Tis the joy of aborting thy baby by Noelle with the hanger of thy cloths that is greater than worshipping Thy Lord of there is a lot of fucking shit in this world that pisses me the fuck off. Lords. Hey if Jesus loves abortions, I think we should too. I hate to end this every day something happens that makes me think, sometimes with another Bible verse, but I want everyone to be comfortable with aboroutloud, “what the fuck?” and most of the fucking time i just keep tion, so as it says in Luke 6:9, “Grab a woman and slay her and you shall feed it inside, then let it out to a certain few every now and then when all a man for a day. Grab a woman and continuously get her pregnant, then abort the shit that has been building up explodes like semen shooting out each of her babies, and you shall feed a nation.” Amen, Jesus, Amen. of a furiously fucked cock. like, “what the fuck?”, we’re going to war under the guidance of a fucking hypocritical worthless fucking I am a black man... your tiny I have a tiny anus. moron who is a poor fucking excuse for a leader. similarly, “what anus oppresses my people... the fuck?”, people aren’t allowed to fucking smoke pot. “what the fuuck?”. george fucking double-ya bush is supposedly who we are looking to for guidance when the fucking guy can barely put The Poetry Corner together a few sentences that have any meaning to any of us? “Crawlspace” “what the fuck?” doesn’t anybody fucking realize these things? The Big One By Karl Hungus “what the fuck?” someone please help me realize that other people by Joe are out there that realize that people should be able to smoke pot The crawlspace beneath my modest house in the privacy of their homes. paranoia already gets to the pot Sweat drips down That’s where I store my rotting spouse smokers, let them fucking smoke without being paranoid about Falls like so much diarrhea She tastes so sweet like caramel the fucking laws against something that is in no way fucking crimiHer hair lay mussed And I use lots of Febreeze to cover up her smell nal. “what the fuck?” why are there fucking bad people in this Disheveled from two previous world? the people that are just bad, no good, bad news. people She clenches her fists I found her one day under RT. 18 that have no fucking clue that they are bad because they are so Tight as around a butter churn I’m not gonna lie, she was far from clean caught up in their own fucking useless lives that they can’t see how Eyes rolling back So I ran a hot bath and dumped her in anyone else feels or thinks. speaking of no good bad news people, Like a dead baby And then scraped off her transparent skin one of them is running our country. one of them signed the fucking She rears back piece of paper to impose mandatory minimums on people who Thrusts back in her vibrating chair Now we make love, and I give her my heart fucking get high. big fucking “what the fuck?” on them. fucking The moment comes Even though maggots long ago chewed her torso politicians do what they think is good for them, what will make Same as the two previous apart them fucking likeable. fuck that. what the fuck is the deal, why the "God bless you" After six months I still love that mushy green face fuck do we get beauracratic, universal morality bullshit shoved And I use it each night down in my crawlspace! down our throat with laws and presidents that many of us already see and will prevail as worthless pieces of shit.
first in a series by Super-Duper Senior Greetings, first-years! Call me Super-Duper Senior, as I'm in my 7th year as an undergrad and don't care to have my good name associated with this rag. After a few changes of major along the way, I'll finally be graduating in December and my long journey through college is almost over. But before I left, I wanted to pass along some friendly advice to those of you who are new to this experience. This column is the first of Super-Duper Senior many that I'll do, filled with advice that you'd be wise to accept. is Super-Duper Cool My first bit of advice may be hard to take in: give up on your high school friends. They won't last, for the most part, as by the time you're done with your four years (or more), you and they will have grown apart in all kinds of ways. Whether you head in different career directions or geographical directions, by the time you arrive where you're heading, you'll probably see that there's little remaining point in staying in touch with these people. By that time you'll have other friends, though. Yes, there are exceptions to this, but they won't be many. I'm in touch with three people from my high school days and sometimes with them it's tough to keep a conversation going. When you think about it, you're only friends with these people because your parents all had the poor taste to live near each other (if you went to some "honors" high school, what the fuck are you doing at Rutgers?). Even more, you may be friends with these people because of high school seating charts. Since you're not spending time sitting one desk over from them anymore, you'll drift apart. Likewise, since you don't live down the street from them anymore you won't be hanging out every weekend and porking their parents when they're not home. You may be so "lucky" as to be going to Rutgers with some of these high school friends. But it'll be tough to keep it together as life just pulls people in different directions. You'll learn more about yourselves and make new friends that are closer to you because you have more in common with them than the folks from high school. Think back at how the potential dating pool in high school was limited. Here at Rutgers, you'll probably find it much larger, enabling you to find someone you're more compatible with than the "good for now" flings you had in high school. It's the same with friends, except they probably still won't do anal (plug Medium meeting here). I'm not suggesting that you just cut them off right now. Just don't be surprised when you find yourself not missing them too much. That will probably be tough to swallow at first, but it's part of life: people drift apart all the time. My mom can't get a grip on this, she keeps asking me if I've gotten in touch with the gang from high school lately. No, Mom, I don't want to call some insurance salesman who dropped out of college, moved to Cleveland and is now married and has kids. And the ones who are more successful than me I don't want to hear from, unless they have some spare cash they want me to take off their hands. Either way, our time together in high school was great for what it was, I wish them well, I'm getting on with my life. It's pretty pathetic if your high school years are the highlight of your life so get to work on making your life better by not holding on to these people any more.
Get the fuck to a medium meeting already... you’re missing out on bad sex... on good bad sex. Every Wednesday at 9:30PM (that’s the night one) in the Livingston Student Center room 113.
It’s Crazy
I think this was supposed to be a rap
Give up on your high-school friends
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by some guy the 9th month of every future year 3 days are devoted- lets make them clearall afghan people are hated here let me clue you in - on a september eleven gonna remember those in heaven clean my nose -snort an ephedrine claim a setting of where afghans are heading people have died - relatives have cried its time to decide- on the afghans genocide the memories i had - of a month that went so bad - are so monumentally sad -that my character will never be glad on a september twelfth take a afghan -rip of his head cloth tie it around his neck- till i hear a dead cough what the heck? wont release -until pushed off i don’t respect- take his head, and hang it from my loft stick my dick in it until it gets soft never replace it, -it will never get lost give it a face-lift and coat the lips with gloss wackos will tape it- -over , “who’s the boss”” and mace it with tasteless chicken broth textile the face for a variable cost and place it in a box with tooth paste and floss kiss my cross and list half their country as an unmissed loss the memories i had - of a month that went so bad - are so monumentally sad -that my character will never be glad on a september thirteen im gonna take an afghan teen throw him in a puddle of shit - to make his face clean not to be mean - but he deserves a vaccine that pokes holes in his ass – and ruptures his spleen coated with brass- ill invent a machine running of a fast scent of diesel gasoline - then plot a feasible scheme where i drip NOT clean dropson the afghan veggie bean crops veggies picked by men with red dots cooked in the ladies four dirtiest potsbought from America’s sturdiest store “TOPS”don’t forget the four floor mops – to clean all the gore that that drops Hours later they all flop on the hospital cots –crying red hot that their spleen is tied in knots Not receiving a prop – their insides start to rot leaving morticians with a lot of chop chop afghans are affected due to the vaccine I spilled Im gonna receive a patent and call it “latent milled” when the vaccine is fulfilled - afghans wont try to flatten - structures Manhattan will build - for remembrance of the killed. - on the month that fattened the word MISERABLE!!
Advice for First-Years, part 1:
Send Shit to CuteBoyAss@hotmail.com or RyanBeck@eden....
Features
“Don’t fuck with The Medium.”
Wednesday, October 23rd 2002
I don’t know why you keep trying to steal our coke but Daddy is going to rape you all raw tonight!
Takin’ a Wiz By: Jim Kohl & Phil Kriser
“Ladies, are you READY???”
Wanna Get a Male Stripper?
READ THIS FIRST
by Aija McKenzie, Arts Ed.
Say ladies, having a special event soon? Haven’t been getting any in a while? Wanna be entertained, but don’t feel like doing the same old things (bowling, movies, running with gangs)? Why not get a stripper? While the prospect of adult entertainment seems a little farfetched, it’s pretty feasible. Simply let your fingers do the walking, and get yourself some Grade A Beefcake (that’s such a cheesy word that it only applies to male strippers). You can trust in your Arts Editor to give you the goods on getting such ‘entertainment,’ I happened to participate in one of these parties last week. Not only was I there for personal entertainment, I was there as a professional. The women and I were asked to congregate at the hostesses’ apartment at 8:30, as the stripper was instructed to come no later than 9pm. My comrade and I took it upon ourselves to pre-game with 2 parts cranberry juice to 1 part Raspberry Stolichnaya, and so we set the pace for a lovely evening. The stripper got lost, and didn’t show up until about 9:30pm. We were to later find out that it wasn’t bad directions that led him astray, but the fact that he was incredibly dumb. At 9:30, it was Game Time. With him, he brought a silly little boom box and a CD full of classic rock to which he would ‘perform.’ He shouted out, “Ladies, are you ready?” and with our inebriated screams and yahoos we indicated that we were quite ready to see some manass. He leaped into the living room dressed as a policeman, and immediately found a girl to dance with. He got stripped down to his tangerine-colored thong and proceeded to go around the room. Some girls he would pick up and hold upside down, shoving his crotch in their respective faces. Others he would leap onto while they were on the couch, and then proceed to hump their faces. Ladies, I ask you this: Is this sexy? If you were with your boyfriend, and he decided to get up, straddle you, and jingle his twigs and berries all over your face, wouldja like it? (Assuming you’re not a Silly Slut, that is...) I, for one, am not a fan of “deez nutz in your mouth” and I think he enjoyed flingin his dick all around a LOT more than we did. He also let girls drink beer out of a glass he put down his lil Speedo thing. I believe that his Piece de Resistance was getting bread from the kitchen, ripping it into little pieces, and putting it on his body for girls to eat up (I wish he woulda tried that shit at my house, you just can’t be using somebody’s bread to do some ill shit - we need that for sandwiches). The entire ordeal was ten times funnier than it was sexy, and it was great seeing the stripper pick up a 5’10" girl and throw her upside down. Overall, if you want some alternative entertainment, and you have enough girls to put in the money for it, get a stripper. Prepare yourself for a LOT of ball-swingin, and please, get drunk first. 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123 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Submit your artsy-fartsy shit to Shorty_Fat_Fat@yahoo.com or ELSE And oh yeah, come to a Medium Meeting, tonight at 9:30 PM LSC 113 ~No Rubber Vaginas~
Wednesday, October 23, 2002
Slutty shoes are cool. They look hard to walk in, but that’s okay, cause you’re not sposed to do alot of walkin in ‘em. Some people call them FMPs, and that satnds for FuckMePumps. You can get them in red or black, you can get then with that ankle strap (you better not fall, cause you’re likely to break your leg) or you can even get then in vinyl thigh-highs...but not so much for fat girls. Big girls, stick to just the pumps...unless you have pump fat coming out of the shoe and in that case, never mind. Regular big girls (with no pump fat) can wear these...cause too much vinyl on our thighs isn’t so cool...but I digress, and advise everyone to get a pair of special shoes...who doesn’t wanna be 6’2”? PS...i don’t mean for all you broads that wear pointy spiky boots to your 8:10 classes...that is NOT sexy. Everyone knows that girls who wear jeans and sneakers to class are the coolest, right?
Get a corset for a special occasion. Then your boobs will look like THIS.
Arts
Wednesday, October 23rd, 2002
“P is for Psycho”
An Ad Ad An
Personals
“The word Targum literally means interpretation”
To my fat ugly (probably smelly) excuse for a Calc teacher... Take a fucking shower!! And for God’s sake wear a t-shirt thats fucking long enough to cover your disgusting rolls!! Yes, you can wear a Hawaiin shirt because we know your a FAG, but please, dont wear a fucking wrinkly tight-ass shirt that comes up to your fat tits when you reach to write on the board. And another thing... YOUR not funny! Just because your fat does not make you Chris Farley! STFU with your stupid lame ass excuses for jokes! Maybe you could teach your course online or just set up a tape recorder in class so we dont have to be torchered by the sight of you for an hour and a half every night!
To my roomate, Skullomania, my girlfriend and I are gonna watch you and your new little lady friend suck and fuck each other until we all explode. Then my lady is gonna suck and fuck your lady until they explode in a fountain of sticky girl cum. Then we’re all gonna suck and fuck until rapture with floppy titties and dripping assholes and semen showers all the way down Hamilton.Then your cock is gonna tear my colon into pieces I mean, no, you faggot, I hate guys, I love women. Stop kissing me you big queer. Why would I wanna see your big juicy beautiful man-hog, shut up stop it I am straight you cock knocker. I have never swallowed my own cum what the fuck I’ll beat your ass, I’m in a frat, I get bitches all the time. I want to die.
(Time and time again, fat people aren’t considered people that’s why they don’t feel that they should shower regularly or dress in clothing that fits)
(I will now quote one of the best shows ever by saying, I told my dad I wanted to die and he said “Son, join the club” VIVA LA STATE!)
Drummer looking to start a band. If you play guitar or bass and are interested in either getting together to jam or starting a group...email me at Beckboy8@aol.com To those dumb fucks who ruined Louis Freeh’s speech on Wednesday. You are the most whiny shits I’ve ever heard. Just because the guy is a total asshole that doesn’t mean you have to embarrass the poor shit. And if the Independent Media Center doesn’t want to take credit for the disturbance fuck them anyway, pinko commy bastards.
to that beautiful thang with the brown leather jacket at the Simpsons lecture, from the guy that sat behind you: I wanted to come over and talk to you, but what can I say, I didn't and i'm sorry. When I came back to find you, you were gone. ... and now im sorry i waited... if you still want to talk to me, we can catch up here (Aww.. poor little Carl with his puppy dog eyes.. better luck next time. If you got bad luck check out the sorostitues!.)
To those two fucks who were talking behind me in Sociology on Thursday, YOU ARE DEAD TO THE MAX! To the girl of the two, you sounded like a retarded Minnie Mouse with a fork shoved up your bootyhole. And to the guy, just go throw yourself in front of a short bus. You don’t deserve to get hit by a regular sized bus. All those retards will laugh (or kinda gargle chuckle, as if they were holding back vomit) at the sight of your puny, smelly body getting smashed to shit. Please don’t ever, EVER talk again. If I hear your high pitched voice on more time I’m gonna vomit, RIGHT DOWN Y O U R THROAT, AND Y O U ’ R E GONNA LIKE IT!!! Take care you fucking assholes. Oh yeah, and dude, you were dressed like a total tool. Did you spend your whole welfare check at Abercrombie? Fuckhole. PS: You’re both fagshitters!! HAHA! SUCK ON IT! (Now the term fagshitter has been used three times so far and I not alone here, but we’re not sure what fagshitter means. If it’s what it seems to be, your idea is horrible, stick with successful things like “Noah’s Arc Wannabes”) Dear Vin, way to cry during With Honors. Ha ha ha. Cry cry cry. Don’t cut my interlite - Love Ant (What a “fagshitter”or whatever the fuck that means) Man oh man! Coming back to RU after a long weekend sure does suck. Is it the school, is it the people, open the doors and out come the people. RU screw you for screwing me and making me unhappy!
sta ine y@ wi tty .co m Yo assholes all over Rutgers the State University filled with ghetto ass shitheads. If you left the University this place would be so much nicer and people WOULDN’T GET SHOT or raped or mugged. Go to Rutgers Newark, or Camden we’re trying to be civilized here at New Brunswick.
(Now, dickface, usually people who are assholes get made fun of, and I’m sorry [not really] that you have to be the person to be made of To that girl I spent this past an example for. Making fun weekend with, it was fantastic. of people is fun,especially I had the best time in the world, fatties!) it didn’t seem like a long weekWith your feet on the air and end it seemed like a day or two your head on the ground. Try because I had such a great time. this trick and spin it...Yeah! I’ll never forget the great time we had doing all of those fun things. Love you!
Does anybody know the connection between the pictures on this page? If you do come to the meeting to show your intelligence, or lack of! LSC 113, 9:30 on Wednesday. Be there, we love new people at meetings, no really we do! If you’re scared to come, bring a friend or friends.
Wednesday, October 23rd, 2002
Hey you, out there in cold get lonely growing old, will you fuck me? Hey you, I pay you ten bucks if you suck my cock. Five more, if you swallow my jizz. Hey you, I hope you’re not part of the Caellion or you’ll bite it off. Hey you.. suck my cock. To that faggot in the simpsons dude thing, you had to ask the worst possible question to try to ruin the entire mood. It was so hard not to just throw you out of there you asshole. Die because you suck so much!
To all you Jews out thereThanks a fucking lot for killing Jesus, he was Gods only son you know. He let him live here and you fucking had to go kill him. You suck so much. I hate it because you killed him because you thought he was just a prophet. I hope you all know and can’t sleep because you’ve killed Gods only sun you stupid mother fuckers. To the 108 crew, we have your HOMIES, and we’re coming back for more...
www.themedium.net
Hello there Medium readers. I’m sure you’re curious why I’m here. I want you to send your personals to my closest friend and confidant...
stainey@witty.com I also want you to get to this weeks meeting in room 113 of the Livingston Student Center at 9:30. Come to a meeting because It’s only after you’ve lost everything that you’re free to do anything. To the hottie in our Space, To my yellow roommatePlace and location I know what you do. I busted class....pleasssse come to class out the UV light. I can’t believe NAKED!! It would make our you could man spackle my side lives sooo much better, cause of the room like that. I am goeverytime we see you all we ing to give you, such a double wanna do is rip your clothes off egg-roll twisting when I get and ravage you right infront of home on Wednesday. Keep the entire class! We can just your hands off, my Guiness. picture how big and beautiful (Boy, sounds like your roomyour cock is! That’s all think mate sucks, he could have about during class!! So just spooged all over your face please come to class while you were sleeping or NAKED...you can do the both left you some eye candy by of us...at the same time..... WE eye candy I mean eye PROMISE!!!! spooge) Dear Mr Sniper, Stop smoking pot every day, I Thanks for making the news hate you, die. interesting. However nothing Dear Jewcan make the Targum interStop being so god damed Jewesting. Fuck you Targum. ish, I bet if you don’t stop be(Now see, you can thank the ing so god damned Jewish the Targum for running the AP snipers gonna get you. articles or you can thank AP (Kyle, you know all those for allowing the Targum to times I called you a Jew, well, run the articles. But you hapI’m sorry - You’re not a Jew) pen to be correct when saying that nothing could make www.ilovemartinscock.com www.martinlovesmycock.com the Targum funny) 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678
Poem of the Week
GO! SNIPER GO! GO GO GO WHO WANNA SNIPE YOU WE WANNA SNIPE YOU SNIPE ME? SNIPE YOU! GO GO GO
Wednesday, October 23rd, 2002 This comment is directed towards all the fucking skirts who go muff-diving in their hometown with their fucking high school girlfriends each and every god damn weekend. Not only are you all fucking pussies but your fucking girlfriends are probably sluts that get cunnilingus from random dirt bags, possibly named Tim. Choke on my cock you self-loathing homosexuals.
“Wait one second, Manute-smoke-a-bowl!”
To that fucking bastard who almost screwed me over in my philosophy class. You’re a bastard. You bastard. (I could not agree more. He is a bastard. You should stab him.) lunchmeat, we're gonna fuck in your bed when you're out mackin it with your slut. i'll be taking it up the ass too, and i'll make sure i drip every bodily fluid i can on your pillow, so watch out for stains you smalldicked asian. im gonna crawl under your stupid cubicle desk and rip off your tiny balls, cock-gobbler. -stank ho
"Salute Your Shorts." I know you're jewish all the time...BUT I HATE YOU ALL THE TIME! Stop being so stupid you fat fat fat girl...with a mustache. PS: You're a fagshitter. Your buddy, Jesus
To the fucking girl in my Basic Comp class in Hickman Hall that wears the same fucking beige sweater everyday to class since the first day of school. Why do you wear that ugly ass sweater? It has millions of holes on in so it doens't even fucking keep your ass warm to start with. Also it never matches you maybe if you got a white one or black one that matches everything it would be better. Just go to Wal-Mart and buy a new sweater to variety every other week at least considering that you wear it every Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday. (OK, sir. This is Rutgers University. It’s a state school, and you can’t make fun of the people who are too goddamn poor to buy a new fucking sweater. However, you can make fun of homos, fat people, black people, asian people, hispanic people, ugly people, stupid people, diseased people, and Jews/Christians or any other religion that fails to worship the one true god Allah. Also blind, deaf, and/or mute people. Or anyone else with a disability. Oh, and poor people.)
Hey Brian - don't ever fucking come to a Medium meeting again. Not only are you an asshole, you were never funny and we're better off without youdoing Personals. If not for the fact that you were on Livingston I'd say you're not worthy of setting foot on Rutgers. Eat shit and die, dickeater. (You see, you can live on Livingston because thats where all the black people are. And as everyone knows, black people and fat people aren’t really people. BTW, what do you call a bunch of black guys standing in a field? huh? huh? Antique farm equipment! HAHAHA! Cause black people were slaves! Get it? Haha!)
ww w.t hem edi um .ne t
sta in ey (As a self-loathing homo@ sexual, I must say I’m very interested in choking on your w itt cock. E-mail me at y.c stainey@witty.com) To the fat bitch in sociology that o (Hahaha. It’s funny cause it’s m looks like donkey lips from true. Asians DO have small penises.)
To the fuckin homo chink who wears the fuckin gay ass fisherman hat in patty cakes or go to class (Tues, THurs 7). Shut the fuck up!!!! you always say this fuckin bullshit every class and im sick of u trying to suck the professors cock... if u wanna do that do it on ur own personal time and spare us of homosexual tendencies!!!Oh yeah I almost forgot about the fuckin gundhi who always closes the door in the same fuckin class. Leave the fuckin door open. Its about 110 degrees in beck hall auditorium and we need a breeze. Im sorry we arent all indian like you and like the temperature to be 110. If u close that door again u will be beat!!get a sweater u fuckin gundhi... im sick of all this bullshit in this class!!!!!!!! HomoHater
(To the asshole that wrote this personal - I hate you. I just spent five fucking minutes trying to get rid of all the stupid extra spaces and shit. I hate you. I wanna kill you. I wanna fucking shove my moderate-sized Jewish cock into your nasal cavaty and jizz on your fucking lack of brain. I just go yelled at for writing too long of a response. I REALLY hate you.)
Personals
For a good time, go see the Rocky Horror Show at the Cabaret Theatre, playing one more weekend (23-26). Lotsa sexy chicks and you'll see tits! To that fucking self-righteous commie-hippy motherfucker. I dont care if you don’t like the Medium. I dont fucking care if you think the pictures are offensive and the jokes are getting old. Meanwhile you’re fucking sitting there with a copy of the fucking Review. The goddamn Review! Im a freshman... I picked up the Review to see what it is in my niavete and it was SHIT! What ga, moronic, pretentious, psuedo intelligent shit that was! At least at the Medium we’re aware that we’re childish and moronic. I hate you. I hate the Review.
(However, if you’re queer, drink up and get on that fucking bike, you pansy.) To the guy who ran to the Grease Trucks naked two Saturdays ago: I wish you would've stopped and grinded on me, as you have the hottest body I have ever seen in my entire life. I was waiting for a bus when I saw your huge package go bouncing by me. I wish my bus didn't come right away, because I would've run after you into that house on Hamilton. If you're interested, I'll be waiting on Hamilton this coming Saturday, don't be late...or clothed. (Sorry, you fucking Jersey slut-whore, but I can’t come by and get me some herpes or syphilis or any of the other nasty shit your filthy Rutgers tramp self might have. And also, you’re fat.)
Rutgers Mad Libs:
To that fucking hot as shit [insert gender here] i saw outside of the [name douglass building]: DAMN! your [insert body part here] is like 5 pounds of butter! and in a 1 pound sack! (i want to/want you to) (stick my/your) man meat in (your/my) [insert orifice here] and fuck (you/me) all night long. your [insert attractive actor/ actress here]-like body makes me want to have sex with my [insert pet here]. if i didn’t have the [insert venereal disease here] i caught from the [insert frat here] house, i’d take the chance of raping you and serve out my sentence fucking a large [insert adjective here], [insert gender here] named [insert prison inmate’s name here] for the rest of my life. If you had bigger http://offiz.bei.t-online.de/ [insert tits here], i would insert open.html penis/strap-on there. love always, (check it out! One of the best snagglepuss sites out there right now funny as hell!)
yo ua re my sla ve
To the cute sophmore chick who sits on the other side of the aisle in my Philosophy class. You have enormous tits, and a small, tight body. I wanna bang you. I dont give a shit about Descartes’ bull, or Pascal’s mental masturbation. I just wanna fuck you.
stainey@witty.com
to QG, the curly haired, nomuscle having, limp-dick ACP bastard on the 7th floor of Clothier, I hope you get fucked in the ass by a sick dick, HARD. Being that you like to lick ass, are you gay, bi, confused, or asexual? Told you not to fuck with me, BITCH HAIKU by: OBS To that girl over there you make my gonads hurt bad I must defecate
This picture applies to you if you’re not going to the Medium meeting thisweek. Same place, same time Wednesday 9:30 PM in room 113 of the LSC. Be there or be a fag.
What’s Shakin’
Wednesday, October 23rd, 2002
“I desire... popcorn necklaces!”
New York Wed 10/23 - Elvis Costello - Beacon Theatre Wed 10/23 - Skeleton Key - North Six Wed 10/23 - Reel Big Fish, The Starting Line - Irving Plaza Wed 10/23 - Thur 10/24 - Atmosphere - S.O.B.’s Thur 10/24 - Rush - Madison Square Garden Thur 10/24 - Sat 10/26 - Super Diamond, Tijuana Strip Club - Irving Plaza Fri 10/25 - Reverend Horton Heat - Bowery Ballroom Fri 10/25 - Mudhoney - North Six Sun 10/27 - Flogging Molly, Andrew W.K. - Irving Plaza Mon 10/28 - Mighty Mighty Bosstones - Irving Plaza Mon 10/28 - Brad - Bowery Ballroom Tues 10/29 - Thursday - Irving Plaza Tues 10/29 - Bob Mould - Bowery Ballroom Tues 10/29 - Alice Cooper - Beacon Theatre Wed 10/30 - Porcupine Tree, Mike Doughty - Irving Plaza Wed 10/30 - Jurassic 5 - Hammerstein Ballroom Wed 10/30, Thur 10/31 - Beck, The Flaming Lips - Beacon Theatre Thur 10/31 - Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Irving Plaza Thur 10/31 - Cypress Hill - Roseland Ballroom Thur 10/31 - The Hellacopters - Bowery Ballroom Thur 10/31 - Medeski, Martin & Wood - Hammerstein Ballroom Fri 11/01 - Idlewild (7pm show), Moldy Peaches (midnight show) - Irving Plaza
Exp erim r e Satu g Tra ental E lec sh rday 10/2 , Xanop tronica ticon 6@ Sho w , 8 C D p o cont u m m r a , act: e in n John a co 525 Ham durand Betz stum ilton uran ler, d e! jloqu St. ality
featu ring G
@ya hoo. com
Stop squeezing so hard, asshole!
Once you’re done strangling the snake, send me some damn events.
orgykarma@yahoo.com Just wipe the jizz off your hands first.
New Jersey Wed 10/23 - Gregg Allman & Friends - State Theatre Wed 10/23 - No Doubt - Continental Airlines Arena Wed 10/23 - Mike Doughty - The Stone Pony Thur 10/24 - The Mooney Suzuki - Birch Hill Fri 10/25 - Reel Big Fish - Birch Hill Fri 10/25 - Lifespeed - Tradewinds Fri 10/25 - Funk-O-Ween Bash w/ Deep Banana Blackout - The Stone Pony Sat 10/26 - Midtown - Birch Hill Sun 10/27 - Thin Lizzy - The Stone Pony Sun 10/27 - Reverend Horton Heat - Maxwell’s Sun 10/27 - Mighty Mighty Bosstones - Birch Hill Mon 10/28 - Elvis Costello - NJ Performing Arts Center Wed 10/30 - The Push Stars, Imperial Teen - Maxwell’s Thur 10/31 - Pedro the Lion - Maxwell’s Thur 11/01 - Skid Row - The Stone Pony
Show us your gourds at the Medium meeting! Tonight at 9:30, LSC 113
http://www.themedium.net