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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themedium.net
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Wednesday, October 22nd, 2008
Volume XXXIX - Issue VII
Rutgers Switches to “Print Greener-estest” Policy Obama Gives Incorrect Change at Campaign Stop Concordia, MO- Supporters of the Obama ’08 Campaign are shocked and flabbergasted as the Presidential contender overcharged a diner patron by 56 cents. According to Ethel Mundridge, a 76 year-old resident of nearby Sweet Springs, Missouri, Obama the change incident occurred around 2:30 PM when the Senator handed her the check for her dinner which was $5.67. Ethel gave Obama $9.53 in order to simplify the change and instead of receiving the correct amount of $3.86, she got $3.30. “I will never eat again in protest of this horrible customer service,” said Mundridge. When questioned about “Diner-Gate” Obama said, “What the fuck ever” and punched the reporter in the face.
Soulja Boy Called Up for Military Duty Atlanta, GA- While the United States is currently in the process of drawing down the number of troops that are left in Iraq, previously unused soldiers are being tapped to relieve and replace the servicemen and women currently in the Middle East. Included in these new militiamen is one “Soulja Boy Tell’em” who remains the most popular entertainer in history to be sent overseas since Elvis Presley. When asked if he was “cool” with his deployment, Soulja Boy said, “Yah Trick YAHHHHH!!!!” 3 times and then “Buhgedda Bah buhgedda BAH!” The 2008 Souja Boy Tell’em “IRAP in IRAK” Tour of Duty will end in 2012 with the last drawback of US troops.
BY JOHNNY CHALLENGER STAFF WRITER
New Brunswick, NJ- In order to conserve paper and to prohibit excessive wastes, Rutgers had enacted the “Print Green” printing policy. This policy gave students a $30 balance towards printing double-sided pages that cost 4 cents for black and white copies and 12 cents for color. Although the policy has resulted in 16 fewer pages printed as compared to last year’s midterm print count, Rutgers Computing Services are looking to build upon the Print Green plan. “We’ve decided to increase the amount of sides to print from two to ten while also dramatically
increasing the cost per page,” says Head Printing Policy Director Harold Brown. “This is the only way that Rutgers can afford to pay the trillions of dollars needed to replace paper and ink costs.” Each two-sided piece of paper will have up to five pages worth of document printed on each side and one piece of paper will cost $24 to print. Even though this policy is coming into effect at a point where many students only have $20 in their Print Green Account, Rutgers will not reset the balances to $30. Defending this decision by the University, Brown had this to say, “If students need extra funds for printing, they can use our ‘In-
crease Print Funds’ service which is very similar to the dining services ‘Add Meals’ program. Students can choose between two options when adding money to the account. Option 1 adds four cents to the account while Option 2 adds thirty four thousand dollars.” Not all are receptive of this new policy as students across all campuses are expressing their disgust. Holding up a piece of paper that was completely black on both sides, Rutgers College Junior Michael Kaplan said, “The fuck is this? This is my goddamn term paper! Fuck!...This cost me twenty dollars!...I’m just...I’m going to... shit, man...”
John McCain Discovered to be a Sith Lord at Recent Press Conference BY BARFOLOMEW CONTRIBUTING WRITER
Washington, D.C.- In a surprising turn of events with unclear geopolitical ramifications, GOP presidential nominee John McCain was discovered to be a Sith Lord on Tuesday. The revelation apparently came about when reporters began questioning him on the details of his financial bailout plan, pointing out that many economists were skeptical of its ability to counter continued job losses. Mr. McCain, long known for his scathing temper, at this point narrowed his eyes and said to the room full of reporters that they “should choose their next words extremely carefully.” Pressed on the alleged impotence of his plan to alleviate market chaos, McCain then let out a loud snarl and raised his hand up, somehow blocking the air passage of Washington Post reporter Martin Ross.
“Your failure to comprehend this plan aggravates me,” said a visibly enraged McCain. Attempts by reporters to subdue McCain were at this point thwarted by a red lightsaber-wielding Sarah Palin, who is assumed to be his apprentice.
No News is Normally Pretty Good News ESTABLISHED 1970
Shooting bolts of electric power from his fingertips and grimacing, he told the still critical reporters “you fools, you are no match for my power beyond power.” As of press time, there is no consensus among political analysts how this will affect McCain’s poll numbers.