10/20/99

The Entertainment Weekly of Jesse Helms

Wednesday, October 20, 1999

“What would you do for a Klondike Bar?”

Volume XXXI Number 2

The New Rage: After Birth Abortions

EDITORIALS

anish1@eden

Wednesday October 20, 1999

LETTER WRITING IS IMPORTANT. Demand a new trial for Mumia!

amandah@eden There is some serious shit going down over the Walt Whitman. Pennsylvania Governor Tom Ridge has signed the death warrant for one of America’s own political prisoners, Mumia AbuJamal. We must speak up against this miscarriage of justice or the blood of this innocent man will be on our hands.

Innocent since the courts could only find him guilty by suppressing evidence, through fabricating confessions, and through bribing others facing criminal charges to testify against him.

In the Supreme Court’s refusal to hear Mumia’s case is the tacit approval to use deadly force against a person whose guilt is uncertain. It is the official sanction of the brutal and unfair methods law enforcement can use against revolutionaries working for social change. It is the plight of political prisoners worldwide and the fate of Americans betrayed by the justice system: in this space, no one can hear you scream.

I have family and friends in law enforcement, and I respect the difficult job they face every day. Yet, their reputations are tarnished when bad cops attract media spotlight and departments silence everyone with gag orders. Many of the people in the higher echelons of law enforcement do not have the best interests of the officers in mind, but are eyeing their bottom line. Officers are sent into the streets with inadequate training, protection, and equipment. Their efforts to improve the situation are limited by the inadequate funding towns and cities receive. The Amaduo Diallo travesty may have been avoided if the NYPD did not have to prove the effectiveness of their urban assault team within a ridiculously small time frame. The killings and profiling in all cities and in all states may have been prevented with better training in diversity issues and de-escalation techniques. These are hopeful may-have-beens,

since the raw reality is that racism still exists in the heart of America. It burns beneath the skin of the nation and erupts into these festering sores. The symptoms are treated, but the disease is left uncured.

The fight to free this man has united many different movements. For example, members of the queer community were out in force during Millions for Mumia marches. His struggle for freedom and justice has become a focal point for people protesting police brutality, homophobia, racism, sexism, censorship, and the growing American contempt for the poor and working class. His story is representative of the overburdened justice system, where alleged criminals are packed in like cattle and railroaded into increasingly stiffer sentences without fair trials.

At the heart of every social movement is a human desire to feel safe from harm. Who do you call when it’s the police committing the crime? Brought into blinding light in Mumia’s case, the people we have given power over us, in order to protect and to serve, have not only abused this power, but refuse to stop abusing this power when they are confronted. They refuse to reexamine the facts and admit that their actions amount to a slow-motion lynching.

We must hold our democratically elected officials accountable for their actions. We must show them that their power comes from the people, and we are the people who can and will dispose of them. Show them who’s in charge. Write letters.

Send faxes and email. Educate yourself about this case and others like it. Come to the rally at Brower Thursday, October 21st at 1 pm. Brick by Brick, Wall by Wall, we’re gonna free Mumia Abu-Jamal

Gov. Thomas Ridge Main Capitol Bldg., Rm 225 Harrisburg, PA 17120 (717) 787-2500 (ph) (717) 772-8284 (fax) (717) 783-3369 (fax) D.A. Lynne Abraham 1421 Arch Street Philadelphia, PA 19102 (215) 686-8700 (Ph) (215) 686-8024 (Fax) Atty. General Janet Reno Main Justice Bldg.

10th & Constitution Avenue Washington, D.C. 20053 (202) 514-2000 (ph) (202) 514-4371 (fax) For more information, contact International Concerned Family & Friends of Mumia Abu-Jamal Box 19709, Phila., PA 19143, Tel: 215-476-8812 Fax: 215-476-7551 email: mumia@webcom.com URL: mumia.org

Things that make me happy:

BY TODD GRAHAM (For the sake of tradition and laziness all original nu- ing to say. Censorship in any form is ances in grammer will be kept intact. -Ops. Ed) Hello again, my returning readers and welcome to my new ones. Even though this is only the second issue, my name is mxed up in some shit again. First off, let me make something exceedingly clear: IT WAS NOT MY INTENT IN ANY WAY, SHAPE OR FORM TO REPRESENT THE MEDIUM IN MY LETTER TO THE TARGUM ON OCTOBER 8, 1999. You'd think that the use of the term "staff writer" would give people a clue that I couldn’t have spoken for the Medium, but I was in fact speaking for myself (Let’s count how many times he can contradict himself within a sentence and/or display difficulty in simple logical concepts and/or generally not making sense. This would be one - Ops. Ed). Then again, since when people are known understand things as they were written (People are known to understand things as they are written when the things that are written make sense.

- Ops. Ed.).

While I'm on the subject, let's talk about what I was intending to say in that little letter about the Targum, since it was intended to be a criticism of it. How ironic is it that a letter about a poorly written and wildly misunderstood comic strip could be itself poorly written and wildly misunderstood. After all, the Targum published my letter under the headline "Comic should not have been published" ... something dead opposite of what I was intend-

deplorable (Let’s also count how many times within the article that it is blatently obvious that the author used a cheap thesaurus. Knowing past work from the writer in question, I’ll say deplorable is numero uno - Ops. Ed.) in any form, and I know that from being on the business end of it one too many times (Business end of censorship? Ops. Ed.). What I was trying to say that the Targum should have published it with a disclaimer either warning readers of its content or disavowing any views associated with that comic. Then, the onus (Thesaurus: #2- Ops. Ed.) would have been on the artist to explain himself. Unfortunately, Jon Horowitz and Hassan Hodges have chosen to act as a couple of rank idiots and screw everyone over in the process. THAT is what I was trying to say, and I apologize for whatever misunderstanding I caused.

While we are on the subject of rank idiocy, let's talk about recent events

Editorials Opinions News News Features Features

Page Page Page Page Page

Cover by:

8 9 10 11 12

Arts Personals Personals Personals What’s Shakin’

THE

MEDIUM

2 3 4 5 6 7

Things that make me unhappy: 1. Doing my pages while thinking of all the homework that I have to do.

2. Not getting articles from people.

3. People not putting their real names on their articles. If you do write an article, please put your real name on it. It’s one of the few rules that we have for submissions.

CONTINUED ON PAGE 3

CONTENTS Page Page Page Page Page Page

1. Watching people spontaneously combust. No, I’ve never been a witness to such an event, but just the mere thought seems happy.

2. Etch-A-Sketch. Displaying a lack of artistic talent by creating little stick figures that seem to be holding hands and then violently shaking the board and watching the little men and their little world dissolve into nothingness makes me happy. It’s super fun and you could do it all night!

Please send opinions to

anish1@eden The Editorial Staff

Editor in Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Opinions Editor News Editor Features Editor Arts Editor

Amanda Hoffman Chris Taylor Heather Thomson Anish Mehta Chris Taylor Garrett Glick John Minus

Personals Editors What’s Shakin’ Editor Staff Artist Online Editor Advertising Manager Senior Editor

Jason Postelnik & Mike Molino Chris DeSarno Wilt Chamberlain Chris DeSarno Heather Thomson Anish Mehta

THE MEDIUM is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and are not necessarily shared by THE MEDIUM. Submission and business deadline is Sunday at 12:00 pm. The office of THE MEDIUM was located in the Yorba Lounge of Tillett Hall, Livingston Campus. All correspondence may be addressed to THE MEDIUM L.P.O 16405 P.O Box 5064, New Brunswick, N.J. 08903-5064 or emailed toThe_Medium@hotmail.com. Our phone number is (800) SPANKME. Yo’ momma.

OPINIONS

anish1@eden

Wednesday October 20, 1999

By Anish Mehta, Opinions Editor ArecentTargumstaffthemeparty heldatHunkaBunka’sinSayreville,NJhas angeredsomemembersofthecommunitywho witnessedtheeventwhichallegedlydisplayed atotal lackof respectforminoritygroups.

Thenightstartedwithaviewingof AmericanHistoryXXX;aclever,lighthearted pornographicspoofofAmericanHistoryXin whichtheheartandclimaxofthemovie dealswithanexpanded1hourand35 minutedramatizationoftheEdNorton character’sshower/rapescene. Theother 22minutesofthemovieconsistedofGary “whatchyoutalkin’‘boutWillis”Coleman havingaswastikashavedintohispubichair in slow motion. The viewing of this video along withthe staff’schoiceofwearing Hugo Boss’ fall retro line which looks remarkablylikeNaziuniforms,caused some to bring up questions of Neo-Nazi sympathy.

Inanotheractivity,asmallRutgers maintenanceworkerfromMexico was strippednude,tiedup,andbeatenlikea pinata. Aswastikawasalsoshavenintohis

genitalswhichbringsuptheissueofwhethermedia induces violent activity or is it a mere reflection of societytoday. Theman,whowouldonlyidentify himself as Pablo, said “Since I was a little boy, I’d always wanted to come to America. I dream of makingminimumwagesothatIcanfeedmywife Consueloandour29children.” WellkeepdreamingPablo.

WhilemembersoftheInsideBeatwere actingoutscenesfromCats inblackface, TargumManagingEditor,HassanHodgeswas toldthattheactionsofthestaffduringtheparty wereblatentlyoffensive. Heputdownhis cake,stoodup,anddemandedthatheapologize to himself. After doing so, Hodges declaredthatthisapologywasnotenoughand procededtorepeatedlydrivehisheadinto thewall.

Targumeditorinchief,JonHorowitz, whenaskedaboutthisnewcontroversy,said “Ithinkpeoplesimplymisunderstoodthe intentionsofthenight’sactivities”.

RutgersUniversityPresidentFran Lawrencecommentedontheissueyesterday. “You’d think that they would’ve learned”hesaid. “Theyknowhowsensitive the Jews and Ni... I mean African Americanscanbe.” Helaterdeniedmakingthis comment. Whenwecalledtheoffice,the secretarydeniedhisdenial. Whenasked abouttheissueagain,Lawrencedenied denyingthedenial.

By Brandon Tommaso Yard It has come to my attention that more and more of the literature written here at Rutgers, by students and staff, tries to incorporate some clever wording that uses the letters R and U respectively, or tries to ask a question substituting the words Are you with the same two letters.

For example, in that place mat of a paper, The Daily Targum, the sports section is titled RUndown. The fact that you idiots realized that RU, the abbreviation for Rutgers University, is incorporated in the word rundown doesn t impress me. In fact, it only disgusts me to the point that I don t want to be reminded that I attend this shit-hole of a college (Has anyone ever noticed that people seem to get ridiculously upset about the most trivial things these days. - Ops. Ed.). Here s a fucking idea for a new title and it only took me probably half of the fucking time that it took you retards at the Targum. Call it Sports Section, that way even the football players, or at least those that can read, will know where to look for their names.

Another thing that perplexes me are the clubs here at Rutgers that try to think of acronyms. For instance the Rutgers University Gay and Bisexual I____ (does anyone know what the I. stands for) (RUGBI).

The name RUGBI is extremely misleading. Just because you like to play around with each other s balls with no pads doesn t mean that you have to tarnish a sport like RUGBY. It also occurred to me that RUGBI was a stupid choice of a name. Isn t it true that RUGBI is extremely similar to the childhood game smear the queer I think (You played some strange childhood games - Ops. Ed.) ? Why would you even want to take the chance of associating yourself with a game that degrades gay people.

Why don t you call yourselves HOMOS. That stands for Homos because that is what you are after all. So please, in the future, if you are writing for a paper or making up some new homo group ask yourself R U making a fucking stupid name? (or a stupid article - Ops. Ed.)

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 2 in the Targum's history. First, let's talk about the situation with the Targum Sports department sexually harassing a female staffer right out the door. Is the Targum Sports department so insecure in their collective manhood that they need to run a female staffer right out the door so they can write? Get real, guys. Also, allow me to talk about the way they bungled coverage of the horse patrol out on Cook.

The facts about the whole funding situation have been out in the open for a long time. To imply that the Cook College Council was being mean-spirited and elitist to the Douglass student government without having a damn clue what's going on is simply bad writing (No comment - Ops. Ed.). Instead of making the CookCollege Council look bad, you could have done something that you do very little of...actual reporting on events on the Cook campus!

With that said, allow me to discuss a subject that has been brought to light with recent events. It seems that no one is willing to engage in a civil debate over any issue. With the recent Targum situation, the mentality on both sides has seemed to be something to the effect of "destroy the infidel!!!!" I disagree with many of the Black student leaders who say that the comic should not have been published. I also disagree with the artist of the comic strip (as well as with my Editor-in-Chief and Managing Editor) that he did nothing wrong with the writing of the strip. However, I'm not baying (Thesaurus #3 - Ops. Ed.) for the blood of either side. I believe in the concept of respectful disagreement, where one can disagree with a point made by a person without making the disagreement personal. Unfortunately, it appears that there are no righteous people on the campus of Rutgers University, and that this is the level of debate to which I must accustom myself.

In closing, I believe that first of all, people need to get their act together.

If this how we're going to react over a comic strip, how are people going to react when something of import gets published across the University and is offensive to some group? Civil war? I praise the way that certain people involved with the Targum situation have handled themselves. However, this is not the way issues should be debated or dealt with. If this is the way we are going to deal with issues such as racism, sexism, heterosexism or any other ism you can think of, well, we mind as well get comfy being they are going to be here to stay (Making no sense # 2- Ops. Ed.).

NEWS The Medium, A Crime Catalyst?

It’s hard to leave when you can’t find the door.

Swinger’s Mojo

Recovered,

By Christopher Taylor

Three Dead

MEDIUM STAFF utgers University, in association with the City of New Brunswick and the Christie Whitman administration, funded a study intended to reveal the cause of a curious New Brunswick phenomenon: a seasonally fluctuating crime rate. According to early results, the increase in criminal activity appeared to correspond to the periods during which classes were in session.

The researchers, expecting to find that the increase in population acted as the prime mover, were startled to discover that the weekly printing of Rutgers newspaper, The Medium, seemed President Fran to have a significant Lawrence impact.

We found that the number of crimes increased drastically on Tuesday s, peaked on Wednesday s, then tapered off during the weekend. We also found that a statistically significant number of the creative crimes were detailed in a how-to manner in paper.

Furthermore, the team noticed that the number of crimes was abnormally low throughout the course of the month of September and into early October, causing further speculation about the significance of The Medium.

The researchers speculated that The Medium somehow influences people to commit heinous acts. The Tuesday anticipatory response and the Wednesday spike speak for themselves.

University President Frances

Wednesday, October 20, 1999

By Christopher Taylor MEDIUM STAFF ustin Powers’ mojo was found Sunday amongst a trio of ill reputes, each lying facedown in a pool of a donkey’s menstrual flow. The threesome was clearly dead, according to New Brunswick police officer Charles Atlas, but the cause had yet to be determined.

“Manny, Moe, and Jack—the aliases we now attribute to the rancid perps—were shipped off to Robert Wood for an autopsy as soon as we discovered they had nothing of value, apart from the missing mojo, to pawn,” says Atlas.

The autopsy report claimed, “The Pep Boys’” time of death was most likely between 1 a.m. and 3 a.m. on Sunday morning, and apparently resulted from their having attempted to try on Powers’ stolen mojo. The hoodlums appeared to have not realized the powerful anti-theft system built into the swingers’ property.

Lawrence, amidst a sea of obscenities, spouted, See! This is what I ve been saying all along! It is The Medium! It is The Medium I tell you!

In response to these allegations, Medium s Editor-in-Chief Amanda Hoffman said, Good for us.

1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 Last year The Medium published an article, one of many weekly columns titled “Matty 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 D’s Storytime”, about a certain residence that created a bong, the length of which is 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 reportedly nearly seven feet. Hopefully the article didn’t direct people to create their 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 own, or influence them to attempt to use the one to which the article referred. There has 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 been some controversy over the safety of this behemoth paraphernalia, and the ensuing 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 temporary physical effects of its use. There have been various reports of passing out, 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 vomiting (as seen in this picture, although the validity of the evidence is still pending), 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 and out of body, near death situations.

So there is at the moment a Surgeon General’s 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 Warning regarding the safety of this object’s use in particular, and any paraphernalia 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 exceeding the height of the consumer.

Thank you for your time.

1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890

By Matt Denton

Mr. Ed Reborn in Michael Jackson s Penis Michael Jackson, self-proclaimed King of Pop and twice divorced pedophile, was surprised to discover, yesterday, that his penis had grown into a fleshy object, the shape of which his prepubescent lovers described as horselike. Jackson, who nicknamed the horse-penis Mr. Ed , claimed that his newfound friend would make him the most famous freak on the face of the planet. Says Jackson s kiddie-lover Johnny, Too late.

123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 Hi! My name is Brak! I just ate some 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 rice and beans. Yummy! Write for 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 gnus? What gnus? Oh, News. Yeah.

123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 Write something, will ya?

123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456

naziphallus@hotmail.com

New Brunswick Police Department chief, Annie Lennox, entered, “We have yet to ascertain how the ‘Pep Boys’ obtained the stolen goods, but expect a break in the case within the millenium.” When reminded that the millenium’s end is expected in less than three months, she began to emit a sound that caused neighborhood dogs to spontaneously combust before modifying her statement to specify a one-thousand year period beginning on Monday.

Powers was reportedly “pleased” with the NBPD’s competence in recovering his missing mojo. “After having just traveled through time to battle Dr. Evil for the umpteenth time,” says Powers’ legal representation, “he was a bit tired, and not in the sort of mood that would have him break contract and deal with class C felons.”

Dr. Evil could not be reached for comment, but son Scott Evil, plugging his interests, reminded audiences that, “Austin Powers I is already available on DVD and VHS, and Austin Powers II will be available November 16th of this year.”

The Lords Name in Vain Next Time in The Medium

By Christopher Taylor MEDIUM STAFF he Philosophy Club met last Thursday in Scott 115 to discuss the controversy surrounding the “Sensation” exhibit at the Brooklyn Museum of Art. The meeting began with short presentations by philosophy department professors Peter Kivy and Doug Husak, before developing into a general discussion of the topics at hand.

Professor Kivy (an aesthetician, specializing in the philosophy of art, especially music) detailed his views on what must be taken into account when attempting to decide whether or not a piece would be deemed offensive to others. He appeared to want to take into account both the intention of the artist as well as the possibility of the medium itself being offensive.

Ofili s The Holy Virgin Mary (see image at left) is not offensive. I ll give you offensive. Imagine an artist that paints an image of several doctors surrounding a nude woman giving her a back-alley abortion with several rusty clothes hangers. Imagine her having an orgasm as a result of their probing.

Imagine that instead of paint, the artist goes to abortion clinics and removes all the biological waste, mashes it into a paste, and dies the paste various colors.

So the image here is the picture of an abortion created out of aborted fetuses.

How is that for offensive?

Professor Husak (a political philosopher, specializing in the philosophy of law) detailed the First Amendment implications of the issue. He appeared to want to consider the issue not one of freedom of speech, but one of possible misuse of public funds.

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani, one of the most vocal critics of the exhibition of the Saatchi Collection, filed a lawsuit against the museum for displaying several of the more controversial pieces. The most discussed piece, “The Holy Virgin Mary,” is artist Chris Ofili’s representation of a black Madonna utilizing elephant dung and photographs of vaginas within the framework.

The group, composed of a mix of undergraduate and graduate students, in addition to the two lecturers, discussed many of the ramifications of the issue at hand for roughly two hours.

Head of the Philosophy Club Jonathan Weinburg, who organized the event, can be reached for more information at jonw@rci.rutgers.edu.

12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567

The burning man implores you.

Jesus Christ is dead. Jesus Christ is dead. Jesus Christ is dead. Jesus Christ is dead. Jesus Christ is dead. Jesus Christ is dead. Jesus Christ is dead. Jesus Christ is dead. Jesus Christ is dead. Jesus Christ is dead. Jesus Christ is dead.

Jesus Christ is dead. Jesus Christ is dead. Jesus Christ is dead. Jesus Christ is dead. Jesus Christ is dead. Jesus Christ is dead. Jesus Christ is dead. Jesus Christ is dead. Jesus Christ is dead. Jesus Christ is dead. Jesus Christ is dead.

Jesus Chirst is dead. Jesus Christ is dead. Jesus Christ is dead. Jesus Christ is dead. Jesus Christ is dead. Jesus Christ is dead. Jesus Christ is dead. Jesus.

Giuliani Sparks Lectures, Debate

NEWS

naziphallus@hotmail.com

Wednesday, September 15, 1999

Meetings: 9:30 Wednesdays Livingston Student Center, Room 113

Come join The Medium before it is too late.

By Eric Toro Arauz and Steve Tutanka Duff

Dear Rutgers students, we are back. That is right the Shamans have returned. Unfortunately we have not received any letters from you so we cannot help with your problems. Feel free to email us at sduff@rutgers.edu we will be happy to help. Hi, my name is Steve, and I lick urinals. It has been two months since I felt the need to lick a urinal. Hopefully this time around I will be able to stop the obsession with the help of Allah. To the participants in the Cook intramural flag football class B I have something to say, DVDA, DVDA, and DVDA. You do not want to know what it means. Also I would like to congratulate Eric on his engagement to Cheryl, I believe the wedding will be held at the Greystone psychiatric hospital for the criminally insane. If you attend please remember not to bring any sharp objects. Well that s all for this week. Please send us your letters.

Aries -

CIA operatives plunge an anal satellite receiver up your ass this week. Eat blandly, no Mexican whatsoever. That cut on your cheek turns out to be Uganda skin parasite. Sleep well, doomed one.

Gemini Class has got you down. Father declares love for you in shower; life is not fair. You probably will not live to finish horoscope.

Sagittarius - A small tribe of Apache dwarves attack your anus with flaming candy corn; that s the good news. Lucky number this week 666.

Capricorn -Grandmother releases videos depicting various stages of robust vaginal blood farts. Uses your picture in online profile.

Cancer - Larry Johnson, Larry Johnson, Larry Johnson. Fuck the Spurs, go Knicks. We love Larry Johnson.

Pisces - Outburst of festering facial sores can only be cured with fecal cream. Fear not, for we, the Taurian Shamans, have homemade lotion hoses, which we will gladly shoot in your face.

Leo This may be the worst week of your life. Your parents are found out to be the heads of squirrel fucking cult and your friends all hate you. You are ugly.

Libra As you spend another night playing with yourself in your room contemplate the following: if you were anyone else in the entire world, someone might actually like you.

Virgo Even if your Mom wasn t fucking the entire NJ labor union you would still be the most disgusting person on campus. Leave a note, slit your throat, and someone besides the priest might show up at your funeral.

Taurus - The prayers that were raised by the flood victims have been answered. Taurians. We are here, we are perfect, even holy, and nothing can stop us. The world smiles with us.

Scorpio - Floyd taught us we cannot fight nature, so you might as well continue fucking Cook College Farm animals. Sorry about pictures of little sister on Internet.

Aquarius - The hand of Satan is upon you. Your girlfriend is pregnant with the Anti-Christ and your mom s pussy is the devil s playpen. What s worse is that your gay lover comes out; oh shit did he tell you yet?

When you find yourself about to embark upon the most important night of your life, but have developed an odor , run, don t walk, to your nearest soap-selling store and purchase 1st Date deodorant soap, the one that won t leave you stinking.

The Bill of Rights A Ten Week Series Week Two

It has been shown with startling frequency that the citizens of the United States of America often are not aware of, or do not understand, the implications of our Constitution. Therefore, in a weekly series, The Medium is proud to present, the United States Constitution s first ten amendments, also known as the Bill of Rights, in sequential order.

Amendment 2: A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed.

FEATURES

It feels good in the prostate!

Johnny, Remember Me?

by Garrett Glick Have you seen Jon Arbuckle? Sadly, I have not. It’s I Have Ass Implants, too bad also, because I really miss him. For Jon had a cerDo you? tain something about him, I don’t know what it was. Maybe it was the glint in his eyes, or the stride in his step. Maybe it was the way he smiled oh that dirty grin. Who could tell what Jon is up to now, spending the day with his cat and dog, his ball and chain. But things were once different with Jon and me, we were once two crazy swingers, painting the town red, knocking them cold in black and gold. Oh those crazy times, who could ever forget?

I don’t know why Jon Arbuckle decided to get a cat, or a dog for that matter. He never expressed much interest in having pets. He didn’t want anything that would interfere with his wild lifestyle. And where on earth did he get the money? The last time I saw him he was on his knees sucking dick, or “man beef” as he’d like to say, just to get some crack, or “sweet juice”, as he’d call it. I never knew why he’d call it that, but there were a lot of things I didn’t know about Jon Arbuckle. But I wanted to learn. Good God I wanted to learn!

I remember every summer seeing Jon on the beach, showing off that heavenly body of his. I was the only one who knew he had ass implants, but lord knows his secret was safe with me, just like all the other secrets. And there were so many! His fear of hats, his anger at government institutions, his passion for sailing, his hatred of failing; the list goes on and on. But the secrets will never fully be revealed.

Jon Arbuckle always had a saying. He used to always say, “I was born naked, and I’ll die naked.” I assumed he meant naked in the metaphorical sense, stripped of all pretenses and all pretentiousness’.

But no, he meant it literally. Often I’d see him at the cemetery, completely nude digging and digging, waiting for his most ghastly fate. But that fate never did arrive, and I don’t think it ever will. Those with the character, the aura, the magic of a Jon Arbuckle never truly die. Their stars just grow bigger and bigger, brighter and brighter until one day that star shines over all of us. I know it shines on me.

So yes, I do miss Jon Arbuckle, I miss him very much. And I know I’ll never forget him as well. But I do wonder, Johnny, do you remember me?

Wednesday October 20, 1999

Halloween Song !!!!

by Brandon Yard Sung To Tune of Adam Sandler’s: Thanksgiving Day song.

There aren’t that many Halloween songs out there, so here is a little song for all those devil worshipping boys and girls out there.

Let’s go out For Halloween I gotta wipe my ass until it’s clean Knock on the door For trick or treat My brother likes spanking his little meat This year my costume Is really cool Pamela Anderson makes me drool People give candy Cause they’re nice My next door neighbor has bad hair lice Hallo-weenieeeee, is such a special night Let’s go drinking And then well go pick a fight That’s right Sweet candy bars Are really good I’m not allowed to trick or teat in the hood. (George Street) To much candy Causes cavities A guy named Newton found gravity Go to the dentist To get the drill Holes in my tooth he’s got to fill I wish Halloween Was every night The dentist said I also had and overbite

Read the Medium.

It’s Fingerlicking good. gmg42@eden.rutgers.edu

Oh, Halloweenieeee, is such a special night Let’s go drinking And get in a kick ass fight Tonight Happy Halloweenie everybody.

(Quit ripping off Coolio--ed.)

Wednesday October 20, 1999

Handsome is as handsome does

One Upon my Nuts!

By Sweet Pee and Dr. Pickles It all happened about two weeks after school started. I went to this bitches house with a box of chocolate some flowers, and her other gift in my knapsack.

I’d been stalking her for about nine months, and I raped her pet poodle thinking that I would be able to get in good with her. So, I climbed the tree to my normal perch in front of her house, where I proceeded to gaze at her beauty while eating her chocolates, and anally pleasuring myself with the beautiful thorned roses I had purchased for her. After sitting there for no more than three and a half hours I notice a hairy ass, greasy motherfucker, resembling a pre-pubescent Eric Estrada, pull up to the house in a I-ROC Z28 Supersport pumpin’ “I missed the bus” by Kriss Kross. I quickly zipped up and wondered what this crotch goblin was doing here. I saw him enter the room of my one true love, and start to caress her all over. I’m deeply distraught by this and I begin to pelt the window with Sunkist all natural sunflower seeds, good any time of the day, for lunch or just snackin’. As the first few shots hit the window, I begin to feel a sensation as if a small Japanese snow leopard were gnawing away at my milky white buttocks. To my dismay, it was my maniacal, half-elf child Orangejello, el sucio del la casa de Chapultapec. I quickly snatched him up by his unibrow and proceeded to fling him through the Victorian window of my love. By this time, Mr. Iroc, we’ll call him Mr. Shitcock, was running his feminine yet strong 14-foot horse cock into her armpit. As soon as I witnessed this, I realized how I miss

decided to spite Mr. Shitcock and his wretched grizzly bear of a wench.

While in the house I opened my sac and unleashed the widowmaker, AKA the jaws of Johassidar, commonly known as the amazing imitated but never duplicated, flying monkeys of OZ. As the miniature gorillas pummeled Mr. S and the queen of the big sloppy tittied women to which I had been previously infatuated with, but now despise like a sweaty unshaven scrotum on hot summer’s day.

(Mmmm ….sweaty sac) The monkeys began to ravage the land like a plague, yes, oh yes, a plague of 12 monkeys.

Except they seemed to have gotten into my secret drug which is, in essence, pcp laced with angeldust rolled in a joint, I call Egbert or E to the muthafuckin’ T. As I quickly snatched a hit from the monkeys, my 450-lb. frame plummeted from the stoop atop which I had been perched and smashed into the ground. As I came to, I witnessed a hoard of savages running at me, led by the likes of such failed actors turned pornstars, such as Gary Coleman, Re-run, Webster, and the infamous Mushmouth from Fat Albert’s gang. If it weren’t for that little robot bitch from Small Wonder, they would have devoured me quicker than the back of my hand on my redheaded stepchild Billie Ray. Always remember, You can’t eat the fly’s off a monkey’s nuts, unless they’re covered in chocolate. (Mmmmm....monkey nuts)

25. I freeball in my Union Bay classic fit jeans on cold winter days.

24. I always seclude a vile of snake venom behind my left testicle in fear of being cornered in a bathroom by a group of angry snakes 23. When I climax peanut butter (crunchy) comes out of my penis

By Sweet Pee and Dr. Pickles 22. I eat rat feces to keep from becoming a mouse 21. I must wear a pumpkin on my belt at all times for fear of being caught by a mob of angry senior citizens without a pumpkin on my belt 20. I have a dick only a mother would love 19. I am unable to smile from years and years of being gagged and beaten with a chain whip.

18. I sporadically shout out words like “gamfit” and “pushaw”!

17. I sweat pickle juice 16. My penis turns blue in times of inhibition 15. Anytime I talk to a female I projectile vomit all over her chest and face 14. I have a problem where I defecate into a napkin and save it in my shirt pocket for later sniffing 13. My left nut is a composite of a set of billiards balls and a small box of carpet nails 12. My ear leaks fresh goats milk 11. I enjoy a rousing game of poke the sac 10. I tend to rub shrapnel on my ass and nipples to go to sleep 9. Milk makes me horny… got milk??

8. I continuously have some sort of aluminum object attached to my scrotum 7. My tongue is made of solid sulfur and tends to release a venomous gas when I’m frightened.

6. My friends play games with me where they strip me naked, paint me orange, and lynch me from the tops of their homes 5. My bladder was removed as a fetus and I rid myself of waste by sitting on top of the head of a unicorn and eating an apple cinnamon poptart 4. My hands are made of solid pewter and tend to grab at unsuspecting crotches 3. I am unable to leave the home without the comradory of my pet dingo named Lars who frequently uses his lashing claw to castrate those who smell of apples 2. I hold my balls in fear of fallout 1. I make diamonds in my spare time by shoving pounds of coal into my rectum and sitting on top of a furnace until the project is complete.

(This list isn’t really good, unless you’re a stupid idiot, then yes it is.-ed.)

Top 25 Reasons Why we can’t get a date

Orangello and our quiet time, for now he is dead, his days of ass chewing are(The authors of this work,“Sweet Pea” and over. I will not let his death go “Dr. Pickles” are very much in love with each other. Just like Bill Cosby and Elton unavenged, so I, in all my glory, John-ed.)

PARADISE CITY

BY Matty Denton and the Chronic Youth.

Do you have people begging to live in your basement? Does it take 45 minutes of smelling dirty socks to finally find a clean pair to wear? Well if you said yes to any of these many, many questions you might just be living in “THE MOST FUCKED UP HOUSE AT RUTGERS UNIVERSITY”. Here are some more ways to come to realize you may be living in “THE MOST FUCKED UP HOUSE AT RUTGERS UNIVERSITY”.

—If your bong is the tallest member of your house.

—Noise violations cost more than your rent.

—Your furniture is made illegally, out of garbage, or was stolen.

—Random hippies, smackheads and murderers lived with you over the summer.

—Your house is never locked anymore because everything good was already stolen.

—Instead of potpourri you have puddles of vomit/beer and cups of old Cheers to Jimmy, the breakdancing robot! piss/beer.

—Instead of vacationing in Amsterdam people crash at your house.

—Some people in your house don’t go to Rutgers.

—The neighbors eight, 9-year old kids make fun of you for being a “dope head”.

—Your pet cat “Floyd” was repossessed by the SPCA. —50% of your house has warrants out for them in various states.

—You ate George Clinton’s food.

Well hopefully you aren’t one of the unfortunate people who have to live through this kind of shit...but if you are just sit back, drink a beer and say I guess I really must live in “THE MOST FUCKED UP HOUSE AT RUTGERS UNIVERSITY”. this might lead you to feel like the guy under this kind of pressure.

FEATURES FEATURES

WITH LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL!

Clown Wig is still good!

123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789

Writing for the medium?

What a fresh thing to do!

SEND ALL FEATURES SUBMISSIONS TO: gmg42@eden.rutgers.edu

ARTS & CULTURE

Coyote s Name Be Praised

So, life works in mysterious ways...or God. Some people believe in God. I believe in Coyote. I mean, come on, the world makes a lot more sense if you look at it from the point of view where Coyote is running things. For instance, Coyote wants to play a joke on John.

So, he hits the NorthEast United States with a major hurricane. How does this effect you John , you might ask. Shut the fuck up and listen! is how I d reply. Now, as I was saying he playing this joke and a hurricane hits, washing away most of New Jersey. This has little effect on me since the apartments I live in are high and dry. Friday my car gets hit by some shmuck. Hard. He drove right into me. But since my insurance card had expired, the fucking Piscataway Pigs...I mean, nice policemen took my car. Great. So, I m looking at paying a shitload of money for my insurance and another shitload of money to get my car out of the pound. dghsalkgdwligbdku.kigfwoeuhbfcjihwafuocibkInhfil/ n b h c k i e d p o y a j h n f k i l / ahpfipekr.anBhiohna>Kivfropahn.

That just about sums up what I was thinking. So there I was about to take a bite of that big ol shit sammich, about to take it in the rear (metaphorically speaking) when I call the insurance chick and she tells me that I m still insured! WOO-FUCKIN-HOO! Turns out that cause Floydie put the smackdown on everybody, my inurance company is giving people extra time to pay their bills. Yeah baby yeaah.

So now, your beloved editor, John Minus, has his beloved Mighty 88 Dodge Omni back to drive. And, if it is his will, I ll even get the damn thing fixed from the other guy s insurance company. So you see, Coyote only helps people by hurting them first, but then you learn a lesson. Let s see Yahweh top that! Besides, Coyote was smart and he said you can do whatever the hell you want just as long as you re prepared for the consequences. And that s pretty much how I live. So, if you re looking for a God you can Jive with, head on down to you re local reservation and give Coyote a try.

You ll be glad ya did.

Pamila the Bondage Fairy says either come to the Medium meeting, 9:30 pm at Livingston Student Center 113, or get a good spanking. Actually, you ll get a good spanking either way.

By the way, she says she has the 12-inch strap-on and the only way their getting it back is up the ass.

Silver don’t turn lead, herd.

WEDNESDAY October 20, 1999

Great Websites http://afrosquad.com/gtv/gtv.html POOH BEAR GO BOOM. www.saikyo.com YATANE, OYAJIIIIIII!!!!

Introducing that big hunk of black man meat...Capitan HETERO. Coming Soon to a Medium near you.

Has exams stressed you out?

Just feel like giving up?

End it all in an interesting way.

Ghetto Crayola Culas

Crayola, being a giant multi-national corporation, is constantly on the lookout for new markets and new ways to make money.

One way they found to do this was to make new colors specifically targeting inner-city minorities. So, Crayola proudly presents it s new colors for the ghetto.

Smack Crack White Weave Black Vacant Lot Grey Pimp’s Cape Purple Overdosed Crackhead Violet Battered Wife Blue Hallway Puke Green Stairway Piss Yellow Police Tape Yellow Government Cheese Orange Hoochie Red Rust Spot Red Prostitute Pink Rican Hot Pink Spray Piant Tan

-Annoy that really scary kid who lives down the hall -Get really drunk and try to walk down the stairs -Walk down George St. in a Ku Klux Klan outfit -Eat at Brower, well at least you will wish you were dead -Drive your car really fast into the Parking and Transportation Services building -Write an anti-racism cartoon that a lot of people read the wrong way -Piss off the postal workers at College Ave., yes they are angry and yes they are packing -Hang yourself with your phone cord after unsuccessfully getting into the registration system for the fiftieth time -Say Excuse me to one of the Bull Dykes on Douglass -Draw a picture of people laughing at Jesus on the cross, the Christians will get you Any more interesting ways to end it please email me Mr. Q Green at mrqgreen@yahoo.com or visit my website at www.geocities.com/mrqgreen If you really do need to talk to someone who cares call the counselors at 56 Place 247 - 5555

The Natural Playboy says...

Being the Mack of the Night is no easy task. Pimpin all the hooches I got, takes a lot of effort. But still I find some time between hoes to stay hip, stay cool, and write for Arts.

I love this paper almost as much as the person I love most in this world...Me!

WEDNESDAY OCTOBER 20, 1999

Ass meat,the breakfast of champions.

This is a shout-out to all my niggas on Campell 3. The prec. Jay gets mad love, My boy Ralfie, yo son I got it, "Abre Puta No Siea Mala", yo to all them fucken other people, One love, and to my Jewish friend, you know who you are. And To that Nigga Johnny, yo son, try to stay in your room a little LISTEN UP T4: save my more. fuckin' ears and TURN OFF To that annoying mother THE BACKSTREET fucker, RAMI, on Campbell 1.

BOYS!! they are gay, get over You are sooooooo fuckin it, and grow up, dammit. JEWISH!!! You need to learn n'sync, 98 degrees, and all of to knock before you enter a those fags suck. room, ask before you take to that fucking sad people's food, and their shit, motherfucker SADBOY on and most of all you need to busch in mechanical engineer- BUY YOUR OWN CIGAing, you know who you are RETTES!!! Stop harassing bitch. why are you always so girls! They don't think you're damn sad???? i just want to hot!! You need to stop acting break your fucking jaw you like you're high and drunk all piece of dog shit. know your the time, cause we know you're roel and be my bitch, that may not! Do you think you're YOU ARE A cheer you up whore, if you cool?? smell what the rock is cookin FUCKIN LOSER!!!!!! Learn to respect people and people for all of you that did not know, will respect you. Until then the glee club men are the SEXI- FUCK OFF!!!!!!!!!

EST MOTHERFUCKERS ON CAMPUS. and my mae- HI I WANT TO WRITE THIS LETTER TO THAT stro is the HOTTEST. BITCH JANINE AT GIB(Why do I get the feeling that BONS. YOUR HISPANIC you are really ugly and fat?) BOYFRIEND FROM 10 BARTLET IS SO DAMN To the ugly bitch in my SAL FINE. I SUCKED HIS class(monday, period 6),you're COCK ONCE LAST SEnot cute so I don't know why MESTER AND I LOVED you think you are! You have a THE TASTE OF HIS fat ass head and your lips need SWEET SPANISH CUM to be injected with collagen! ALL DOWN MY THROAT. stop answering every fuckin' I WILL GET HIM BACK question to make the rest of us FROM YOU. UNLESS look bad. Suck a dick and YOU WANT TO HAVE A shut up! thanx you fuckin' 3SOME THEN THAT WILL midget.

SUFFICE FOR ME. HE IS (Is she a midget that fucks, SO DAMN FINE AND HIS or was “fuckin’” merely an COCK IS SO SMOOTH AND HARD. interjection?)

MMMMMMM HOW DEYou like fat?!? TAKE ME LICIOUS! :) REPLY TO HOME!!! Rub my belly and HORNY BLONDE CHICK then stick it in here!! I wanna VIA THE MEDIUM. hear you moaning between my To the football player I re-met rolls. Only $10, soldier boy. that lives in Frelinguysen, I gave Call Ruby Lee at I-LICK you my number, why aren't you LOST - 1 gerbil, 1 razor, 1 pair using it?? I remembered you nail clippers, 1 paper towel and everything, I just want tube, and 1 tube KY jelly. I some so hurry up Campbell girl need these back please! (does (Well, shit...We can give you it smell like vaseline in here some....) oh the person who stole my gerbil just farted) I need my Smash Mouth sucks gerbil back - he misses the (Why do people feel the need warm home I put him in. to write pointless personals?)

To Peach, I regretfully inform you that you have failed my course: How to Be Smart 101.

After making worlds of progress, you took a nose dive on the final, and I am forced to fail you. I truly hoped that you would pass, but unfortunately, you were a buttnut. Sincerely, Professor T-Bone.

To Jill from some sorority, You live on Cook campus and have a roommate name Vacilicy.

You are a sophmore and you are so hot. I met you at a party at Phi Tau. I want you! Email the medium if this is you and they will give you my email! I also said I was a soph but I am actually a frosh.

(To Jill, please respond via the Medium, as we are not a dating service and have better things to do than re-direct email.....To the cunt-bag that wrote the personal, don’t turn to us to help you get some ass, get it yourself...and one more thing Jill, this guy sounds like a jackass...)

To all the nerds, niggers, spics, gandhis, guineas, micks, chinks, gooks, charliwelcome back to another wonderful year of medium personals.

SirRob and Special K (SirRob and Special K are in no way affiliated with the Medium....So I don’t exactly see why you are welcoming people back.)

To the bat wielding maniac on Metzger 3.Get rid of the bat you stupid asshole. We all know that you only use it as a anal pleasure toy for yourself, we are all sick and tired of you dripping your anal secretions off your bat - and PS you smell like shit you KY cowboy.

(I think he’s asking you out) TO the big fat amazon whore on Hardenburgh 3, Fuck You! Don't you know how to give a guy head? I made you orgasm for a good thirty minutes. My finger and tongue were fucking numb for the next week. Next time when a guy makes you scream his name suck his cock!

And suck it good! FUCKER! (To all women: suck cock no matter what.)

To that sexy blond haired boy that lives in Crosby with the FF8 figures, I see you at the bus stop on Tuesday mornings after 2nd period. I just want you to know that I'm not stalking you but I want your body.

I wanna fuck you all night long and I don't even care if your roommates watch, but you can't let your fat friend Ryan see because I don't like him.

Please call me back..you know the number.

PERSONALS To the skank-ass bitches who fuck all night long in Campbell 3 right above us. Stop the fucking furniture moving at 3 in the morning!! P.S. Stop dyking out all night long. People need to sleep.

To the dirty boy in Campbell 2- you need to stop spreading the venereal diseases across the campus and keep your clothes on. No one wants to see your hairy ass and tiny dick again (An insult.). Keep the stank to yourself and stop Boris...change your goddamn hooking up with ugly chicks shirt allready!! You wear that while you're shit-faced. You piece of shit YMCA staff shirt could do better! (A complieveryday!! If the image you're ment.) trying to get across is that of a poor, dirty, fat-ass with tit's like To all of the "athletes" beermy mom than you've achieved pong is not a sport. that with that nasty shirt and those crusty blue basketball (Then why did you call them athletes?) shorts.

To the Campbell 2 floor whore For the FAT PSYCHOBITCH stop giving bobs nobody apin Clothier (Which one?); Get preciates the spread of venea hint! We fucking hate you. real diseases.

Stop fucking following us.

Can you make your own (I don’t know if that is spefriends? We could stop ditch- cific enough, that description ing you if you dropped out. apperently fills many people Here's a suggestion: Maybe on Campbell 2) you could catch us if you removed the massive fat wedge i am looking for a chick with droopy titties. i wanna chick from your ass. with titties so droopy that she who ever wrote the little shout could use them to get me a out to Cambell 2 is full of shit. i beer while she's buffin my live on cambell 2 as well as my pickle on the couch. i wanna a room mate (No shit...) and we chick with titties so drooppy have not blown anybody (thats that she can use them to slap probably because you’re my roomate from accros the ugly). So your little stereotype room when he starts actin up. was bullshit! Obviously, you they should be so have been dreaming about our motherfucking droopy that if floor in your spare time (freshshe stuck hooks in her nipples man girls...we all have that she could fish with them dream)... so keep dreaming bitches. about me: i am a fat about us if that gets you off. in rappin clown, who stabs the meantime ... you can all people for fun. i also like to CHOW MY BOX, walk around naked with my BITCH!!!!!!!!! willy hangin out. and i also like I used to like living at wrestling and porn. sometimes Barr.However within the last at night i sneak into the zoo and month Barr 4 has become such gorillas for fun, they always a slut-feast. The girls there suck kick my ass too, but some dick likes its there fucken job. times i also go to douglass to Especially this Korean whore wrestle some dykes but they (HUH?) who has gone through are even better than gorillas... more men the all of the girls in so if you got droopy titties look BARR have! Anyone who me up. needs a blowjob just go to Barr 4. There are some cute orien- (That’s a fuckin funny pertal girls there, but be careful. sonal...)

To Leigh and Justin in Campell...please stop fucking!!

God forbid you ever got knocked up, you'd produce a fucking mutant. It'd be three feet tall, with a oversized crooked head and full body acne (Sounds attractive). For personals to the sake of humanity, stick to (I hear Campbell 2 has a (Send similar problem) medium_personals@email.com) oral sex!

PERSONALS This e-mail is to all you sorry assed Fags with limp dicks.

You gotta fuck to get fucked, ok? Ever hear of being versatile? Get the operation already...

Bottom Bitch...

To the one interested in sexual experimentation: I'm definately interested!!! I'm all about sexual experimentation. I am all about satisfying a woman so reply back through the medium with an e-mail address or something. "ready to play" (Hey “ready to play,” that personal was written by a man...still ready?)

TO THE GIRL WHO DOESN'T LIKE GIVING BLOWJOBS! If you like to get satisfied and aren't getting satisfied with the guy you are with then come to me!!! I love to eat a girl raw!! Reply either back through Medium to Tounge Boy or e-mail addykid@yahoo.com! I'll be awaiting your reply!

Bitch, put that dick back in yo’ mouth. all of the hardcore hindus keep scaring me. i am afraid...tell them to stop being so hardcore, it makes me so jittery i just gotta tinkle in my briefs, im scared of the fat people at rutgers too, i think they are going to start forming herds and stampedeing down college avenue...im scared to leave my room...help me medium.

(Be afraid..be very afraid)

To the HOT Asian Girl on Campbell 6 from my Micro recitation W4 with TA Wei, I want to stick my cock so far into your pussy that you will orgasm for five strait hours. If you are interested email the medium and they will forward it to me! Love, Horny White Guy Who Loves Little Asian Chicks

WEDNESDAY OCTOBER 20, 1999

to that chi phi boy john in boxaerobics: you think you are so cool but you had better watch out. dont you knw it isnt cool to touch other peoples girlfriends? you touch the little blond again, thats my friends girl, so id hide, cause otherwise im gonna knock your ass out

(You must be a pretty diesel, that’s why you’re too much (Why does everyone think we of a pussy to tell this guy to his face...) forward mail? We don’t...)

Special Loser Section!

(The following personal appeared in last week’s Medium. Apparently there are some guys on this campus that are so desperate to get a piece of ass, they’ve resorted to hitting on girls in the Medium...I guess they haven’t learned that the sluts on Easton Ave. will let you stick it anywhere for a quarter...)

ANy GuY inTo AlternATivE To that fucking cookie-jarmUsiC Who is lOoKiNG foR working third floor Voorhees a GiRLfRiEnd, rEplY Via the bitch, You stubborn, dick lickMeDIuM To NiRVanA GirL ing, stuck in high school piece of gorilla shit. You shoulda (These are all replies to fuckin talked to me before NiRVanA GirL, someone that listenening to all of your fish we made up...We decided eatin lesbian friends. You these people should be pubfucked us up whore so lick my licly ridiculed...what better way then spotlighting them sweaty nut sack. in a paper with a circulation I HATE THAT FUCKING of 8000.)

ASSHOLE AKOS ALL HE DOES IS SMOKE HIM- To that fucking herb ( for all SELF RETARDED EVERY- you jerseyians, that's DAY AND THEN SIT IN NEWYORKESE for fag) HIS ROOM AND LISTEN drew in Perry. Leave tiff alone.

TO FLOYD IF I WERE HIM Your "MASON GAY" ass FIRST ID GET A HAIRCUT doesn't deserve someone like THEN ID STOP SMOKING her. Tiff deserves someone like WEED AND START GOING that stud Akosh or your room TO CLUBS AND TAKE E. mate Tom. Even Tim maybe.

Hello there, NiRVanA GirL. I am Craig, and i live on Cook Campus. I am responding to your personal in the medium (the one about the boyfriend), and i am definitely into alternative music, along with many other types of music. You sound like a really sweet person, so if you want to hook up, e-mail me back at: yamato@eden.rutgers.edu I hope to hear from you soon.

Hey Nirvana Girl, interested in an alternative relationship??

Reply to thetendril@yahoo.com

I will like your clit clean anyday and if you wanna listen to Nirvana suck my cock!

(So basicalyy if you are the author of one of these personals....you’re really pathetic) Listen up all fuckin sand niggers who drive around in their rimmed-out piece o shit civics that there rich, tight ass parents bought for them. The next time I'm waitin at the bus stop and I see one of you mother fuckers rev your rice burnin match box cars up I'm gonna hit you with a fuckin dump truck, blow a I'm gonna shine it up real nice.... At least he has some common load on your festering corpse, fucking decency. Why don't then proceed to somoan drop (Although we don’t know you just go to your room and your ass berseker style. what that means, we printed cry.

WEST SIDE! ps: I hate evit anyway...) to that hot guy on Busch that erybody!!!!! to the ghetto paradise in wears the bandanna... I want Two that nice peace of ass Liz Campbell 2, could you please your body sobad, that beard on Freelinghizen 6. Yo baybe put the music a little louder be- turns me on, and I want you to I'm gonna show u what's up. cause the rest of the dorm cant fuck me while wearing that that, Re-spond to CONE thru the hear you. Someone has to get YOU GO BOY Medium. I am 5'10" has tall is you some lessons in singing I hate Greek life. your dad bitch? because you suck big hairy (Lets guess. You wanted to Dow- Damn Gina! You lau to dick. Madden 2000 sucks!!! go to a party and they touch it in de bock?

Why do you guys even play wouldn’t let you in..Boo (Please write personals in because you suck anyway? fuckin hoo..) english)

Hey Nirvana girl......I'm interested. I could use a girlfriend with good musical taste. If these fuckos at the Medium can set us up somehow, then I'm all for it. Let me know, kay? Reply to Make The Turn (don't ask....I'll explain when we meet)

your room #3 dont play gay music that only you would appreciate #4 dont throw around pillows, let them explode, and then let everyone else clean up after u #5 call the preceptor Dick at all times #6 shower with shoes on!!! bare feet here are fucking gross #7 dont fart in the sink room, it smells horrible from all the nasty rotten food u leave in there anyway-ok thats it. Oh and if i hear one more thing about Lips, ill shove brooms up all your asses.

I love butt raping monkeys and goats on Fridays at 3:00pm when its cold and my nutsack shrinks.

tina and claire are stupid lush sluts. all they do all day is drink and have sex with ambiguous partners. they should spend more time on the second floor (You stupid fucking asshole (of Campbell?) than hooking ...Who the sweet fuck do you up with random frat think you are? You must muscleheads. to recap: they have the cognition skills of a are sluts. dead blind and retarded child to be startin shit with us. You show us some respect, arpine should kill herself. really. fuckface. Sorry punk-ass I'm serious. She's a pompous bitch. You dipshit. Well I loudmouth who thinks she guess these fuckos did set knows everything. but she you up, you idiot. I’m going doesn't. to come after and shred your To Crx, I absolutely hate your anal fibers with our 12-inch guts. I don't care if you live or strap-on. Prepare to eat our die. You don't matter. You are loads you dumb bitch.) worthless. luv, SR hey hardenbergh 5, how about being a bit more social??? i still I think that all the girls who dont know half your names have boyfriends from home and some of you are so sketchy should wake up and smell the maybe i should just leave it coffee. They are obviously that way. but anyway maybe cheating on you. Try going for some rules should be laid down some nice college male fresh#1 quit cloggin the goddamn man. End of story. In recap: toilets #2 if you're a sketchy dump your boyfriends from guy either stay sober or stay in home, go out with us.

WEDNESDAY OCTOBER 20, 1999

to that odd dick in my M/TH 2 pers psych class. what is wrong with you? What is wrong with your hair? You keep talking to yourself like someone might hear you and start a conversation and maybe be friends with you. Forget about that, nobody would respond to such stupid comments. don't sit near me and my friend again. we are really afraid of you. you are a fucking psycho. Bye.

PERSONALS

What we originally had in this space got censored.

PARTY this coming Saturday at Corwin!!! Ladies, be sure and ask Bernard for your complimentary chili dog! Rubbish!!!

to my m/w 5 intro to film professor:you are an ass. this is intro to film, its supposed to be a joke. what the fuck are you doing you fat ass? you are fucking fatter than roger ebert. i hate your class. i could write a term paper on the narrative form of your ass. you suck dick and so do Bordwell and Thompson. From now on your class will be called Citizen Fat Ass. You are a big cock.

So here is a

i dont like people from new york. fuck the mets and the yankees. if i hear anyone running down the hall cheering this year, im calling tony the tillet to write them up because even though hes not on duty hes still fuckin goes around every fuckin night and fucks with people 1 minute after quiet hours in the towers. oh, put something else besides fuckin BET on the tillet tv. the food's bad enough, the people are fuckin ignorant, i dont need that fuckin shit too.

Send personals to medium_personals@email.com

picture of us personals editors at play.

There is lots of filler on this page. Way too much filler in fact. That is because not enough people sent in personals. What the fuck is wrong with you? You can say something that 8,000 people will read and it doeasn’t cost you anything... Why wouldn’t you take advantage of that? You must be a fuckin moron. Were you skullfucked as a child by a fat guy named Sal who made you where pink bunny slippers? That might begin to explain your stupidity. So write some fuckin personals and send them to medium_personals@email.com.

If you don’t, we’re going to have to get violent...our 12 inch strap on still has dried rectal blood from the last guy we met that didn’t write a personal...medium_personals@email.com.

I have 4 General Admission tickets for "An Evening with 311" at Irving Plaza in NYC on Tuesday 11/16 at 8pm. Tickets for both shows sold out in minutes...your last chance to see 311 in a venue this small. I will sell you 2 or 4 of the tix for Rules: 1) Send personals to medium_personals@email.com. 2) Keep them to 50 words or less. 3) We $60 each (negot.). Contact don’t print last names, room numbers, or phone numbers. 4) All submissions must be A) sent from an chrisjur@eden fast for more details...these tix will go fast. fficial Rutgers email account (eden/remus/etc...) OR B) contain your full name and campus PO box.

5) Although the editors know the authors of all submissions, this information is kept confidential.

to that fucking dick john in my Dont ask for it. 6) Send administrative matters to mmolino@eden.rutgers.edu or TF 2 intro to religion class in murray hall: everyone hates jsp51@eden.rutgers.edu. you cuz you fucking suck up to the teacher. why don't you just get down on your knees and suck his dick right in class. you probably are every night anyway. why do you fucking make stupid comments after everything the professor says. maybe if you were sucking the professor's cock, it would shut you up... but probably not. to my fucking roommate: you smell. i wish everyone would just stay away from my man. i know he's fucking hot and all but he's got a severe case of anal warts. i gave them to him. so you should be careful because you don't want to get them from him. the warts are simply huge!

Curious? Come to the Livingston Student Center, Room 113, Wednesday Nights at 9:30 pm. We’ll answer all your questions...

And don’t worry, we won’t tell anyone you came.

I love frat boys. I love the way those drunk, fat-ass mother fuckers turn away guys from their parties, even though they to my fucking roommate: you themselves like it up the ass smell. also, i would like you to anyway. I love the way they get stop licking our carpet. you you drunk and anally rape you. keep coughing up hairballs, and I love the way they then expect the floor is getting really nasty. you to suck that same shit-covyou can make it up to me to- ered dick even though you're already piss-ass drunk from night. their cheap beer. I love frat (This is filler...) boys.

Only you can prevent filler... Send in personals or we’ll burn your house down... tim that lives on the lower wing on perry loves men. He tried to rape me last night. His parents should teach him a lesson, like maybe have his dad rape him once in a while. Oh yeah. he already does.

What’s Shakin’

OPINIONS

anish1@eden “You’ll pay to know what you REALLY think.”

Wednesday, October 20, 1999

It seems there is some misunderstanding as to how What's Shakin' works. That's okay though. I'm new. You're new. We're bound to make some mistakes. That's why pencils have erasers. See, an anonymous email saying only "your page sucks asshole" does not qualify as an "event" per se. It's a common misconception. Let's try harder, people ... desarnoc@eden submit an event. subMIT submiT an EEEEEVent s.u.b.m.i.t. s.a.e reverse psych: don't submit an event. religious: thou shalt submit an event personals: to that fat shithead in my bio class, submit an event. word on the street: get your event on. submit that shit. word. anagram: I bum teen vats. zen: what's the sound of one event being submitted?

Gillian Anderson rules.

She would never talk to me in real life. You will, though. Come to the Medium Meeting -- 9:30, Wednesday night Livingston Student Center Rm. 113

Friday, 10/22

Happenings

Court Tavern Gluecifer Nashville Pussy Nuse Sonic Circle Spin Psykill

Doll's Place All's Well Saturday, 10/23

The Melody Bar Cannine D9 Murder One Slack

(artistic layout devices)

The Budapest Lounge The Milwaukees

Free Mumia Rally Thursday, October 21 1 PM Rutgers College Student Center

73 2

“fran” spelled backwards is “narf”