8 October 2014

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Volume XLVIII Issue IV

October 8TH, 2014

STUDENT BODY HEALTH IS DECREED "JUST FINE"

50¢

QUICKIES

BY ANIME HAIR NEWS EDITOR

NEW BRUNSWICK—Rutgers health officials announced Sunday that the health of the student body is “just fine,” and that “there’s nothing going on here, not at all.”

After allegations that Ebola may have been carried into the university from an African international student, Dr. Melodee Lasky, head of Rutgers Health Services announced that “There is absolutely no way that could have happened.”

Lasky then proceeded to bow over in pain at the podium "THERE'S NO EBOL-UUUUURRRGGHHHHHHHHHH" before vomiting violently on Something's rotten in Denmark, and it's not just the food this time. several Targum reporters in the front rows. She was removed periencing symptoms, but as cated that students experiencby aides wearing hazmat suits one student Miriam Lee recalls, ing painful, bloody diarrhea or “I just assumed I got the Brower eyeball bleeds are NOT infect shortly afterward.

There have already been shits.”

Continued on Page 2 University officials indiseveral reports of students ex-

FIND THE WORD "STUDENT BODY" THREE TIMES ON THIS PAGE

Lecture Hall Stage Rushed After Exam

BY WALTER KEYES MANAGING EDITOR

COLLEGE AVE—Projector screens were torn down and TAs were trampled in Scott Hall 123 after students stormed the lecture stage following the Sunday night Organic Chemistry exam.

The exuberant students “went primal” after a three-hour exam according to the police report filed. $60,000 worth of damage was caused.

“I didn’t know what was happening. The crowd just consumed me,” said Sin Jun Lee, sophomore in SAS. “It was so “WHY ARE THEY BEHIND THE TAPE?” The students had to study during Saturday's game for Sunday's exam. exciting.” Sin, who had been Some returned to the platform later just to pass the security tape. taking the exam, ended up peeing in her seat as her classmates lected each exam. Once every the walls, urinating on profesclambered over her. exam was collected, the stu- sors… these kids were smearThe police report contin- dents sprang out of their seats ing excrement on the walls, ues to outline the events of the and stormed the stage. how do they think of that shit?” incident. The students conclud“It was bedlam,” read The destruction lasted for ed the exam as the professor’s RUPD Chief Kenneth Cop. “The 46 minutes according to the rebuzzer sounded, each took the students were tearing down port. The students then promptfull allotted time. The TAs col- school property, defecating on ly grabbed their backpacks and

Not Making Ratio Since 1970

Blood is Shed at Virgin Frosh Orgy Student Body President is Shot Dead, leaves behind Student Body Lectures now to be held on Yik Yak Slut Delivers Baby in Fraternity Ward Corduroy Pillow makes Headlines oo Many Smart T People at Rutgers for a State School Palestinians still think People Read Targum Editorials Lung Cancer continues to Ravage Asian Student Body Domestic Violence Event Serves BeerBattered Women Epsilon Gamma (εγ) Most Strained Engineering Frat

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NEWS

themedium.news@gmail.com

"I'm a feminist! I watch lesbian porn!"

CRIME ALERT: GRADUATING FROM THE "STREET"

Fowl Character Causes Damage in Cook Lab The CTW lab was making a genetically modified grain designed for consumption by fowl COOK CAMPUS—At 3:27am on poultry farms to fight bacteThursday night, a crime at the ria, increase muscle growth, and Nabisco Advanced Food Tech- taste better for the avian palate, nology Building resulted in a said Dr. Barbie C Ewings, 54, few hundred dollars' worth of who worked in the lab. damage to lab equipment and Twenty pounds of this exstolen property. A large figure perimental birdfeed, the entire was seen fleeing the on camera. stock, was missing from the The Chicken Thighs and CTW Lab. Also gone was the Wings (CTW) Lab was targeted, test group of chickens kept in said RUPD. The department ar- the lab's glass cages. rived to respond to a late night "All of the cages were unalarm. locked,” Ernie continued,”So "Glassware was strewn and obviously we have an intelligent shattered about the floor," re- perpetrator: they knew the letter ported Officer Burton Ernie, "as C and the number 12. The most were some kernels of grain and curious thing is that there is brolarge yellow feathers. Footprints ken glass from one of the cages were recovered that must be- outside one of the cells, labeled long to a man at least six feet in 'Subject 81G'." stature."

BY PAULIE SOFFICER NEWS EDITOR

NO EBOLA HERE!

...continued from front

fected with Ebola. They insist that such symptoms are a result of a combination of dining hall food and over-studying.

As Bonnie Abedini, replacement Executive Director of Health Services released in a press statement, “Hell, I used to bleed from all my orifices at that age all the time! It’s part of the college experience!”

As if to make her point, Ms. Abedini halted her speech suddenly and slumped onto the podium as blood poured from

RAMPAGE

...continued from front

left the exam as if they had just finished. The police were called by the janitor an hour after the incident. The professors and TAs were all in shock according to police.

The longer format exam was a part of the Chemistry Department’s initiative to make its courses more accessible for students. When asked to comment

Editorial Staff Fall 2014

Wednesday, October 8th, 2014

THE LONE NEURON STATE

ISIS Reveals Plan to Invade Texas

BY CHILLBRO BAGGINS CONTRIBUTING WRITER

AUSTIN, TEXAS—ISIS leaders have released a video hinting at an impending US offensive. According to the video, the offensive is to be aimed at Texas.

“God was born in In Texas, and ISIS hates God,” said Fox News Anchor Sean Hannity last week in response to the alleged planned Texas invasion by ISIS is in the works.

Texas is considered the United States’ capitol of freedom and Christianity according to the AP. Texas is also the birthplace of Willie Nelson and George Strait, both of whom ISIS assumedly considers major threats in their War on Freedom.

“ISIS is that jock kid on cocaine. He is totally out of control and unpredictable. The only thing he understands is violence,” said former First Lady her eyes, nose and mouth. She Nancy Reagan in a speech urgwas wheeled off stage by CDC ing the American people to take agents in hazmat suits. a stand against the foreign evil.

A notice was given shortly Mrs. Reagan also recalled the afterward by current Executive Director of Health Services Lynn Fryer. It simply read, “All GOING DOWN UNDA student health centers will be temporarily closed and sealed.

Not that there’s an epidemic going around, or anything. There’s not. But don’t go in there.”

University president Robert Barchi was unavailable for comment, indicating that he is still too wrapped up in the Big Ten conference.

horror of seeing the violent Youtube video. “That is why Uncle Sam needs to beat the living piss out of them to get the point across.”

In ISIS’s latest video, the terrorists are wearing ten gallon hats and beheading international journalists. Many political leaders believe that this is ISIS hinting that the Texas invasion is soon-coming.

“For eons now, we Texans have been battling the brown Mexicans, it is only fitting that we now have to fight these hooded Mexican-looking brown Indians, or whatever they are,” said Texas Governor Rick Perry, as tears filled his eyes. “I just love this state too much,” concluded Perry.

Many Texans are bringing out their bibles and their guns to the borders in an attempt to defend their home from the ISIS invasion. Texans are “technically” being requested to remain calm, although the governor issued the statement with a rather prolonged montage of winking.

We See Your Ads on the Bus

on how this would possibly help the student, Dr. Danya Dosveski, Dean of the Chemistry Department and Russian National said, “In Russia, we took twelve-hour exam, now I professor. Damn Americanskis...”

Igor then trailed off on a rant in Russian.

The recent change in testing is currently being brought under questioning as to whether if it really helps the students. Rutgers is eating the damage.

Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot

Justin Lesko Michael-Vincent

Henry Yeh Fratypus

News Editors Sara Markowitz Jonathan Holzsager Features Editor Lesly Kurian Opinions Editor Adam Romatowski Arts Editor Michael Lazaropoulos Personals Editor Joe Ebbinger Page A7 Editor Lee Matalon

Sports Editor Matthew Fastiggi Copy Editors Kaitlin Rogers Chika Kim Secretary Michelle Flynn Webmaster Michael-Vincent Faculty Advisor William Field Resident Douche Mr. Manager

The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus.

This issue is dedicated to pet therapy animals. Not only can a puppy bomb take down the Hulk, it can therape my irritated asshole anyday.

Wednesday, October 8th , 2014 themedium.features@gmail.com

FEATURES

“Daddy forcibly brought our family into the 21st century. It’s baby’s first smartphone. ”

HAVE YOU MENTALLY BROKEN DOWN YET?

MIDTERM EXAM

SUBJECT: TWERKING 101

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YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE APPARENTLY!

AFTER DEATH, WHAT NEXT?

BY FATHER CHRIST STAFF JEHOVAH’S WITNESS

How many times have you peered into a casket, seen the face of the deceased and thought to yourself “Girl, I hope I’ll look that put together when I’m dead.”

1) How happy is Happy Hour?

Dear reader, if the deceased one had accepted Christ as a) Happier than Happy Feet Lord and Savior, then that statement would be correct. The Apostle b) Happier than both Happy Feet and a Happy Meal Maybelline had once said of those who follow in the footsteps of combined Christ, “Therefore, we are confident that whilst we are at home c) Not as happy as Angry Whopper with the Lord, we will look fabulous as helllllll!” However, if the d) Not as happy as both Angry Whopper and Angry deceased had died not subscribing to all that is Christful, their trouOrchard Combined bles have only just begun. The instant that the deceased soul leaves the body, it goes directly to hell to be ugly forever and ever for the 2) On a scale of one to ten, how difficult was your rest of eternity! The Bible states that hell is a place “where the Devil last midterm? doesn’t let you shave your pits and pop corn bits are forever stuck a) Seven in the back of your mouth.” Ew, no one wants that. b) Negative three point one four

You might wonder what must be done to avoid the torment c) Orgo described above. The answer is the same as what you are thinking d) I think I broke the midterm-o-meter right now : Please send 3 easy payments of $14.95 to the Fellowship Tract League for Personal Beautification After Death.

3) Does Jesus exist? a) Yes LITERARY ORIFICE b) a and b c) a and c

BY HIPSTER J d) All of the above A VALUED CONTRIBUTOR

BY THE HEN HEN MAN AN ALCOHOLIC PROFESSOR

I AM CUCUMBER- PART 3

4) What does The Hen Hen Man hope the next trilogy will be? a) The World War Trilogy b) The Mean Girls Trilogy c) The Star Wars Trilogy Trilogy d) The Uterus Trilogy

HOW DO YOU SCIENCE? LIKE THIS

HOW TO GET EBOLAS???

BY: DOCTOR NADA MACURA STAFF PEDIATRICIAN

Looking for new challenges and stories to tell your grandchildren? Guess what: Ebola is trending! A new outbreak of a deadly hemorrhagic fever is spreading through West Africa and many Western countries are afraid of a pandemic.

• Ebola is spread through the exchange of bodily fluid. WARNING: touching the person is not sufficient to get infected! Instead, try getting the infected person’s blood or vomit in your eyes, nose, or mouth, that should do the trick.

• Hang out in big international airports such as JFK, Newark, or Philly Intl. Pay special attention to flights coming in from West Africa. Also, you are bound to encounter numerous homeless individuals with interesting life stories to tell you while you wait for your own Ebola experience.

• Take a trip to Africa! Now, you have to carefully plan this as, contrary to popular belief, Ebola is not that easy to find. Your best guess is Liberia with the record of 3834 victims, while Sierra Leone and Guinea are also popular destinations for Ebola tourists.

• Take an F at College Hall. What’s better than a crowd of sweaty college students breathing in your face? Extra tip: Around exam time, students are usually underfed and exhausted, thus, more likely to be carriers.

• Read the Targum.

• Start pretending. It’s easy: get out there and start yelling you are infected by Ebola. Very soon, people will call the authorities who will put you under quarantine – and that was your goal all along! Now you are the epicenter of media attention, and the chances of being infected are quadrupled!

Little did I know that the slices of my body on Mary’s ugly eyes would not be the end of my suffering. She started taking off her pants in bed; her thighs jiggling with many meaty layers falling onto the bed. She wore blue and white striped triangular pants with hair sticking out of the sides. She removed the thing and spread open her thighs. It was the hairiest thing I have ever seen in my little cucumber life. In the middle of the dark hairy forest lay a pink and huge piece of human flesh with a tiny toothless mouth in it. It was a hairy monster!

Mary took me and inserted my head into the hairy monster. I was being eaten alive! Inside, I could feel the ribbed oral walls of the monster. It felt…weird. I was quivering in pain, yet my juices were rushing all over my body. Mary began pulling my body out of the monster, then thrusting me in again. As it went on, I started to feel pleasurable tingling sensation in my hairs. The ribs rubbing against my skin was unbelievable. Mary yelled louder and louder as she thrusted me in and out of the monster. Suddenly the oral walls got tighter and tighter; my body felt suffocated and squished; pleasure became pain. Out of nowhere, Mary yelled at the top of her lungs and the oral cavity of the monster squeezed my flesh out like toothpaste. It was painful. My flesh and seed were all inside the monster. She removed my mangled body, looked at me, and said “thank you” before throwing me into a plastic bag.

It was dark… 3 quarters of my body were gone except for my head. I was in so much pain; the experience I had was too traumatizing. I soon found myself in a big graveyard of organic waste.

This was the mystical place that my siblings and I talked about where we might all end up together and die. There were dead bodies of animals and vegetables everywhere; I knew that my time had come. I hoped I served my role as a cucumber in this world well. So here I make my last and final wish: I wish to reincarnate into a corgi so I can shit everywhere and be pampered by humans because of my cuteness and breed with huskies to produce Corhuskies. Well, I guess it is time now, here I am, ready to die and reincarnate to become a better organism in the next life. Thank you everybody for listening to my life story, from the garden, to the supermarket, to the fridge, to the monster and now here. I hope every one of you lives your life to the fullest no matter what you are. Fin.

The Medium meets every Wednesday in the Busch Student Center in room 116A at 8pm! Submit content!

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OPINIONS

Wednesday, October 8th, 2014

“I need a ride, I’m a bear in the woods.”

POINT/COUNTERPOINT WITH PRESIDENT BARCHI

themedium.opinions@gmail.com

PLANET COMMENTARY

Dear, President Barchi You Couldn’t Leave Me Alone...

BY BROOKE THOMAS Could You?

I’m a freshman at the School of Arts and BY PLUTO Sciences, and I’ve noticed a couple things here Oh here we fucking you might want to look into. The buses, for go again. Am I a planet? example. Why not use that money from the tuition hike to buy more Am I not a planet? You of them? We are very obviously in need of them, because every time all have no idea what this I try to travel to a different campus I feel like cattle in a boxcar. Also, debate has done to be the food in Brower is ass. This is a bit confusing to me, because the over the years. You want food in Livingston and Neilson isn’t. How is it possible in the first to know what I am? I’m place that there’s discrepancy in the dining halls? Are you really retired. Yeah that’s right, giving the most money to Livingston Dining Hall and the least to I’m retired.

Brower? What the fuck is wrong with you? Why not just spread the You all don’t know the whole fucking story. First off it takes funds out equally? until 1930 for someone to fucking notice me. I was like that guy in Finally, I think you should put a Chipotle on every campus, for the bars who stands there until one in the morning, watching all his obvious reasons. friends get all the action. It was tough man. There I was, a fresh new planet just waiting to be noticed, but nah all you people wanted to do was look at the fucking Moon or that asshole Jupiter.

But it’s okay, not like you were thousands of years late or anything. But once you did find me, boom! I was the shit, the talk

BY BIG BOB BARCHI of town, the fresh new toy in the solar system. And I was for years.

Here at Rutgers University, a B1G school, I even had that Disney dog named after me, has Mercury or Venus we do our best to address the wants and needs ever done anything that cool? Yeah sure they were named after of our student body. You’ll be happy to note that Greek Gods but lets be real, that isn’t that cool. And then what do we have extra funding this year, both from the you and your fucking scientists do? You make me a dwarf planet. A state and extra tuition. and it’s all going back to fucking dwarf! And that was it. And did you even think what that you! We plan on using the money for B1G sports would do to me? To my economy? I was building a theme park, but attire, so you can show your school pride. Extra who wants to go ride a dwarf?

It also hit me pretty bad personally. How would you like it state funds meant for academics will promptly be allocated back to to work your whole life to get noticed, go on a great run, then have the sports department. We also got a lot of alumni donations this someone come along and cast you away like a cum tissue. It lead to year! We’re going to go ahead and use that for sports, too. lots of drinking, more drinking, and eventually me not talking to Finally, we recently received about 50 new buses from the Department of Transportation. We plan on melting those suckers all my planet friends for a few years. But, I rose to the occassion, I down for scrap metal to expand and improve our football stadium. decided I wasn’t going to let some nerds get me down. I cleaned Continued on A7

Dear Concerned Student

POINT/COUNTERPOINT

Why Am I Not Getting Laid?

BY STEVEN HOWELL

I remember my first hand job. It was 9th grade, I was at the skate park. This skater chick — you know the type: jet black hair, piercings, and a cool red beanie — she took me behind the half-pipe. Ever since then, I rolled with the skater crew. I got hand jobs all the time, and I even got the occasional blow job. Now that I’m in college, I’m ready to go for the big one — losing my virginity. But it’s not working.

I don’t get it. My first week, I spent all my free time practicing tricks outside Records Hall and the Bishop Gate. I made sure the girls would see. Some even stopped to watch, but they all just walked away.

I figured maybe girls here are more into longboarders. So I went home and got my ratty old longboard and started riding it to class. I even took it on the bus, but people just rolled their eyes. I then realized that maybe it was the board itself.

So I spent the whole weekend sanding and painting it, and then I put new trucks and a fresh set of wheels. I’ve been riding it around ever since, but so far none of the girls have talked to me?

Because You Ride a Fucking Skateboard

BY SKATEBOARD

Hey kid, you want to know why you’re not getting pussy? Because you are one. Stop riding a goddamn skateboard in college for Christ’s sake. You’re 19 years old. You should have passed me down to your little brother three years ago.

Have some priorities man, even the dude on the Segway gets more ass than you.

You need to learn some social cues man. Rutgers is a busy place. People don’t like when you smugly speed past them; you look like a major ass. And then you take me on the bus and stand me against the wall so somebody can’t get on. Even the jerkoffs who put their backpacks on the seats are rolling their eyes.

Do you even know how girls work, kiddo? You have to talk to them. They Continued on A7

UNIVERSITY VOICES

Who Needs One? “I NEEEEEED ITTTTTT.” Carlos Rojas, RBS Freshman who has a soul consumed by greed

“If you really need something like that you’re seriously, like, just limiting yourself. You shouldn’t have to rely on something like that to be content with life” Pauline Rennington

Straight Edge Self-Righteous Junior

“I guess I could take one, I mean it’s free right?

Could I take more than one actually? No, just one? Ah, okay.”

Mary Simmons SAS Junior

ARTS

Wednesday, October 8th, 2014

themedium.arts@gmail.com

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“AND EGBERT WAS HIS MOTHERFUCKING NAME, YO!”

IT’S LIKE DISNEYWORLD FOR THE HOMELESS (BY MARKO-BITCH)

I’ve been in a comatose state of studying for science classes and watching anime.

This is not healthy.

Help me out by submitting art to the Medium Arts Page.

Your shitty drawings will cheer me up.

Email stuff to Arts by emailing it to themedium.arts@ gmail.com. Also come to our meetings on Wednesdays at 8pm, at the BSC Room 116C.

FROM THE WORLD’S (BLANK) BY MICHAEL INTERRANTE

MOVIE REVIEW WITH THE MEDIUM, LAME

BENJAMIN BUTTON

BY RANDY BUTTERNUBS ARTS EDITOR

Hey guys! Today I’m reviewing the new Super Smash Bros for the - wait this isn’t a video game.

Okay, fine. Jeez, you people got seriously pissed at me for doing one video game review. Have it your way.

So this time I decided to review The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. I just have to say, Benjamin Button is one of the most boring, emotionless characters I have ever seen. Well, they gave him the nickname Bella in this movie,

which I thought was weird at first, but shit, I’ll roll with. So, it looks like this movie was about how Ben or Bella or whatever had a serious boner for this androgynous-looking chick who was named Edward for some reason. You know what, points go to this movie for breaking gender stereotypes for giving the female lead a guy’s name.

Anyway, Edwardina is a vampire or something and Ben wants her to blow him—I mean...suck him off—I mean... suck his blood so he can be in-

REMEMBER THE BUS KID? “SWAGNESH” BY SAWYER

teresting and a vampire, too.

You know what, I can’t do it anymore. This movie is boring!

I don’t care if some dude got his head ripped off! BEN IS SO FUCKING BORING! If you see this movie, I recommend geting a lobotomy to forget what you just saw.

WHICH MOVIE SHOULD I REVIEW NEXT?

PERSONALS

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COFFERS

HISTORY

To the community college girl that wanted to get a lawyer on my ass for sexually harassing her. YOU told me to show me your penis at PJs and I DIDN’T. YOU tried to take my fucking belt off!! I hope that your snatch finds a way to cover an opening of a hornets nest, and that hornets like to eat scum like you. You will never graduate community college. I will never look at these sexual harassment (and other guy vs girl issues) the same ever again. You will die alone, and no one will remember you for anything you did when you do. (Except me ;)). You did have nice tits though.

What concerns me the most about RUDOTS is that their website for paying parking tickets has a section just for “Returning Customers”.

What asshats.

Did you know Ben Frankin wrote a book about farts?

yo’ motha

I REALLY LIKE THE IDEA OF OTHER IMPERFECT PEOPLE SUFFERING FOR THEIR IMPERFECTIONS (Oh! You must have handed me a pamphlet on College Ave) Little fucking shit who jumped in front of me at the soda fountain at Nielson. Hope you spill all your food on you as you carry your three plates to your table with your sallow-faced gf (Wow, that’s a lot of rage but not much ill being wished. You need more aggression in your life. Why don’t you wish they go to Hell or something?)

DiVerSiTY I wanna be the only white guy at a black barbershop. That’s my only way of establishing progressive credentials.

(Do what most young leftists do and harp on about how you hate your privilege and shout your morally righteous positions without actually doing anything.)

(Really? Did you know Susan B. Anthony wrote a book about anal beads?)

(They gotta line their pockets somehow. Otherwise the homeless guys will have to Some dumbass in my spend their dope money on 20th Century China class kept pronouncing bus fare.) the word “Mandarin” To the fucking dick who as “Man-DAR-in” and stole my pants after I thought Daoism and Taorode you all night, I had ism were two separate reno money for a cab and ligions. had to walk back to Tins(That’s my favorite period of ley in my underwear. history after the Meh-HEECan’t wait until the future kan Revolution.) when vending machines NPR don’t exist and therefore cant eat my fuckin mon- Terry Gross . . . more like Terry “Gross” ey anymore.

(Dude, she asked you to show (You need a small friend or her her own dick. Obvi sexu- a kid to follow you around al harrassment on your part! so you can have them crawl in the machine and grab you And you better hope they your snack. That’s right, in don’t subpoena this paper as the future, we’ll all be able a reference to your character to have tiny slaves. or your misogyny would be laid bare.)

WISHING ILL

Wednesday, October 8th 2014

themedium.personals@gmail.com

“Courtesy is contagious. Just like Ebola.”

yo mama so stupid she looked for isis in the freezer (I was orphaned as a child.

Don’t you feel like a fuck.)

GLAD TIDINGS

Just wanted to share that I might finally maintain a 4.0! Don’t wanna speak too soon, but yeah.

Crank Calls Called a cab company.

“Hi, I need a lift.”

“Where ya at?”

“Uh, I don’t quite know where. It’s a wooded area. ‘Cause I’m a bear, I live in the woods!”

“What tree are you near?”

“What do you mean what tree?”

“Is it the one your mother sucks dick near?”

(Reminds me of this time we called a realtor and asked how much blood stains deI feel a lot better after my valued a house. She was not thesis advisor gave me happy.) some words of encouragement. Thanks, Jim! god dammit i fucking hate working at pizza places.

(Fuck you. Fuck the both of it’s not the mopping or the incessant noise from you.) the kitchen or the highschool kids i work with PERSPECTIVE who always want me to When I was a kid, my buy them beer. it’s these father had the BIGGEST fucken housewives who cock. I remember pee- call up and have nary ing with him outside of an idea what they want. the movies (because the they place nonsensibathrooms were filthy) cal orders for “peproni and I looked to the side pizza with pepperoni on and caught a glimpse of top”, then they follow up how well-endowed his with something for their cock was. All through- fat shit of a husband so i out middle school, I wor- gotta walk them through ried about when my dick all the options for cheeswould catch up to the size esteaks. it goes someof my old man’s. Girl- thing like this “i want a friend after girlfriend, cheesestake” and i say they all told me I had what kind, and they nothing to worry about. yell loud into the phone That it was all a matter of like STEVE WHADYA WANT. godawful fuck. perspective. I doubt it.

Cops and Robbers So theres been a computer theft in The Medium offices, leaving us with insufficient means to type the paper. Futhermore, the keyboard I’m typing on is itself a piece of shit. Therefore, yall should make my job a helluva lot easier by sending in your rants, ravings, and longings: it’ll make my job easier and you’ll be forever loved in my eyes.

NJPIRG

Better practice my lying skills because njpirg is out tabling again. Greedy shady liberals.

What the heck, I’m trying to do some good here asking people for five minutes of their time out of their “busy” day. All they gotta do is vote, it takes five minutes. Suddenly, everybody’s a civic freaking hero, everybody’s voted. Dude, I know you’re going to go home and watch Netflix.

NETFLIX (cont.) ground noise while we hookup. Seriously, you’re like the best wingman, ever.

a poem

An ode to the gone, Souls have been forgotten, Their bodies beneath the lawn, Now wait for others to let in, Meaningful pieces lost to the dark, All because we would not disembark, For I have too forgotten who it is, Fuck, this shit again. So Only two more jerks till I annoying. Fucking hip- jizz. pies. Not even the cool kind. Just fuckin nag nag (OK then.) nag. Christ almighty, I gotta take the long way through Bishop Beach so BIRTHDAY I can avoid Brower Com- I'm 21 but Mom keeps mons. Fuck these leeches. calling me 22. Maybe Everybody complains she knows a secret thingy constantly about the dis- about my birth that I don't mal state of American know?!?!?!?! democracy, of oppression, of bad laws, and yet nobody wants to vote or (Nah, your mom’s just an participate. Grassroots idiot; she can’t count.) organizations are the Romance heart of political life and the primary mechanism I really do have love to give. by which we change our I just don’t know where to countrty--for the better or put it. worse. If you’re not contributing to campaigns in (Hang in there, kid. The some way, even if it’s just world needs celibates too.) talking about it, you’re utterly part of the problem. Trust me, guys, I’m MISPRONUNCIATION a political science major.

Things my roommate mis(They are participating by pronounces: pointing out how fucking sodoku annoying NJPIRG is.) anomynous axsk NETFLIX! Chabad Netflix, what would I do Immanuel Kant without you? You have kiosk helped me get many girls Freud over with the invitation Qdoba of “Let’s watch a movie” twerk only for us to soon make you just merely back- B1G Ten (they say the “one” aloud)

Wednesday, October 8th, 2014

PAGE A7

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“Chabad. Chhhhh-abad. See, it’s hard.”

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CREED NOT DEED

HARD EVIDENCE SKATEBOARD

WHY I SUCK

BY ED DiCANTA BPΩ PLEDGE

PRESENTS

SIZE MATTERS

UNION ST— So my big tasked me with writing this essay. According to him, I can’t enter his lineage until I complete it. Who am I to argue? Pledges suck because we don’t yet have what it takes to a guide to notable dicks be brothers. We will not yet have what it takes to be brothers until we complete the challenges of the pledge process. According to the creed of Beta Rho Eaton Jejez Omega, the four maxims of a BRO are “manhood, A7 Editor respect, scholarship, and service.” It is the purpose of the pledge to teach us each of these ideas. For example, I haven’t demonstrated manhood until I’ve successfully serenaded a sorority in my underwear.

We show respect by finishing any bottle the brothers hand us. Scholarship is demonstrated by reciting the Greek alphabet while kneeling on a cinderblock. Service is demonstrated by bringing the brothers cigarettes, condoms and booze whenever they need it.

Until I’ve “shown my maxims,” I’m not worthy to be a brother.

Not only do pledges suck, but the Nu class is the worst pledge class of all time. According to the pledgemaster, we’re a bunch of boners and most of us will probably be dropped by Week 6. We’re a really lazy pledge class. Victor Bollo, you know, the kid who Jonah Falcon lives in the Quads, he’s late every week to lineup. And Guinness World according to the Sergeant-at-Arms, no pledge class in Record Holder Beta history has ever been late to lineup. I don’t know if I believe him. But one of our open mottos is “Truth in Brotherhood,” so I don’t think would he lie. I really hope we’re not the worst class in history. They keep saying that Fall pledges suck, and that Spring rush Jesus is always better. And if that’s really true, I’m scared Mickey Avalon of what the Xi class will look like. Say, what are you Bob Barchi going to do with this essay? You’re keeping it to yourUniversity self, right?

OFFENSIVE CONTENT

JETS COACH “NOT SURE” WHAT OFFENSE IS

BY JUST THE TIP EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

PIPE GRINDING

President

Ron Jeremy Porn Star

VAGINAL

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—While being grilled by reporters after his team’s 31-0 loss to the Democratic Chargers, New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan admitRepublic of the ted that he “wasn’t exactly sure” what offense is or Congo Average does in American football.

“Listen, guys, I’ve had this job for four seasons Haha, fuckers now so you should have realized this already,” the coach said in his post-game press conference, “but I’ve never really known what the God-dang offense US Average is supposed to do.”

Ryan further said that his philosophy has always been to “have his defense on the field as much as posPenn State sible”.

Average “I used to think [former quarterback Mark] San- Fuck Penn State chez was a cute little mascot out there to pump up the crowd,” he said. “Y’know, just something to make the women and children happy, like Mr. Met or the South of the Border guy.”

The coach stated that he did not know what a wide receiver was, and therefore, had not tried signing any good ones since joining the Jets, barring Eric Decker. “Have you seen that guy’s eyes or his beautiful smile?” said Ryan. “How could I not get him?”

Although his team’s record now sits at an abysmal 1-4, the coach said he “would not” and “does not Dr. Tossed Salad Opinions Editor expect” to change anything.

“I don’t care if my team goes 1-15. [Actor Adam] Sandler just signed a four movie deal with Netflix so that means you get four more chances to see Sexy Rexy on the big screen,” he said.

...continued from Opinions

don’t just automatically want to fuck you because you ride a skateboard. Nobody does that. Until you realize you’re a fuckboy and change your ways, you’re going to remain a virgin. So it’s your choice: Are you going to grow up and get laid, or keep getting hand jobs from the girl with the beanie cap, pizza face and bulge in her pants?

OVER CHARON PLUTO

...continued from Opinions

myself up and decided I would retire and go see the rest of the universe.

Then! Then these fucks from Harvard have to come to my defense and say I’m a planet again. Yeah thanks guys, but that would have been great like three years ago. But now, I had plans! I wanted to go see other solar systems, not be a part of little Billy’s third grade class project. Oh please don’t make me go back to doing that fucking shit. I’m retired. You wanted me out, and you go it. It’s okay, I’m ready to move on. And you all should too.

TWEET TWEET VICTORY FLOOD

...continued from Sports

we pulled out the win? Yeah, about as surprised as I was that only seventeen people could bring themselves to click a goddamn button!” a slightly angrier Flood exclaimed.

“Especially only a few weeks removed from my other failed tweet that read ‘If this gets 100 favorites, Gary Nova won’t throw more than 4 interceptions against Penn State.’ We all know how that turned out, don’t we?”

PLAY OF ATONEMENT

TRAUMA NOVA

...continued from Sports

get Nova’s 2012 performance against Kent State. The quarterback threw six interceptions in front of a home crowd to give the previously 7-0 Scarlet Knights their first loss of the season.

“I hated him after that. I wanted to throw him in front of a EE bus but tonight he was just mediocre US Average enough for us to beat an even more mediocre team,” (Circumcised) said Morton.

In what has been a common theme of the senior quarterback’s career--losing important games at home--fans expected him to lose to Michigan in a heartbreaking way.

“I sat out here for hours on a freezing Thursday night two years ago to watch that piece of shit blow it to Louisville when all we needed to do was win to make a BCS game,” said senior Ryan Hardaway, of a 17-20 Congo Average

WRITE FOR THE MEDIUM!

Come to our meetings, Wednesdays @ 8PM in BSC 116A

NO JEWS THOUGH.

Ok, Jews.

october 8th, 2014 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com HOT GIRLS GET MORE RETWEETS ON THEIR SELFIE SUNDAYS

DESPITE FAILED TWITTER STUNT, FLOOD, RUTGERS VICTORIOUS

BY SHREG GIANO SPORTS EDITOR

"CLOSE BUT NO CIGAR"

Flood's tweet fell just short of his goal of 2000 retweets. 17 out of 2000 retweets means Coach Flood received a solid .85% of his pregame goal, which is better than most experts were predicting in the preseason for Rutgers Football.

RU fans forgive Gary Nova Penn State,” said Rutgers student body president MargaPISCATAWAY—Following a ret Fisher. “I know I cursed his thrilling 26-24 game against name for weeks after that game, Michigan for the program’s first but I will no longer call him a win as a Big Ten member, Rut- shit-eating idiot because he was gers fans have absolved senior able to beat a 2-3 team on our quarterback Gary Nova of any of home turf.”

Just minutes after the final his previous poor performances.

“I’m thrilled at his perfor- whistle blew and fans stormed mance and now we can all forget the field, senior Jared Morton that he threw five interceptions said he will permanently forContinued on Page 7 less than a month ago against

BY JUST THE TIP EDITOR IN CHIEF

SPORTS BY THE NUMBERS

1:HOME GAMES WHERE 9: DEREK JETER'S

THE FANS DID NOT AVERAGE EX-GIRLYELL "FUCK YOU GARY FRIEND NOVA!" 10,000: STUDENTS, SO6:STUDENTS THAT BER OR OTHERWISE, KNOW OUR WOMWHO STORMED THE EN'S SOCCER TEAM IS FIELD AFTER THE GAME RANKED 16TH IN THE ON SATURDAY NATION ≈50: HIGHLY-INTOXICATED ADULTS WHO 0:PEOPLE OUTSIDE OF RUTGERS WHO RUSHED THE FIELD THOUGHT RUTGERS SATURDAY, LIKELY FOOTBALL WOULD BE DRUNKER THAN THE 5-1 DURING THEIR INAUGURAL BIG TEN SEA- STUDENTS SON

PISCATAWAY— Rutgers head coach Kyle Flood took to Twitter last Friday in an attempt to “fire-up [his] team and fans” for the blackout game against The University of Michigan.

Flood’s efforts were in vain. After audaciously guaranteeing a victory Saturday night pending 2,000 or more retweets, Flood’s retweet count reached a modest total of seventeen. But that did not stop Flood or his team from going out and getting the job done anyway, securing their first Big Ten win against Michigan, the winningest program in Division I college football history.

“Well, I gotta admit, I was a little bummed out that the fanbase didn’t jump on the oppor-

tunity to secure our first Big Ten victory by simply clicking a button on Twitter,” a slightly bitter Kyle Flood told reporters. “But the nine favorites were a bit of a bonus. I think that juiced our guys up to go out there and get the win despite missing the bar on the retweet count.”

Football fans from around the country are impressed with the resolve Rutgers showed in winning a game that Twitter all but guaranteed they would lose. No one was as surprised as Michigan’s football team, who celebrated prematurely once realizing Flood’s tweet was still in single-digit retweets nearly twenty-four hours after it hit the internet. Even Flood himself would not have guessed that his team could rally and find the courage to be victorious.

"Am I a bit surprised that Continued on Page 7

Breaking: There is a soccer league in the United States

BY REBELLIOUS JOHN CLAYTON SPORTS EDITOR

Sounders, nearly every major LOS ANGELES, CA— Die-hard US city is apparently representsoccer fans in the United States ed in this league.

If Commissioner Garba and have been seemingly waiting forever to enjoy professional the MLS can simply explain how soccer on the domestic stage, the league relates to the world and according to MLS commis- cup and if Messi or Ronaldo are sioner Don Garba, they could in it, bigtime soccer fans here in have been basking in the beauti- the USA would definitely be inful game on US soil for the last terested in occasionally watching 2-3 games per season. nineteen years.

"Jeez, did you so-called soccer fans even try to find out if we had a league? We've been slowly but surely signing big name players that I'm sure you used to play with in FIFA. Didn't you wonder why those players vanished from newer FIFA games?"

Commisioner Garba asked of surprised United States Soccer Fans.

From the New York Red "THAT'S WHERE THOSE WEIRD TEAMS IN FIFA ARE FROM?" Bulls to the Seattle Sounders YOU, ME, GETTING IT ON WEDNESDAY 8 PM IN ROOM 116 of THE BCC

The strange soccer league has apparently been in existence for almost nineteen years.

winning important games since saturday