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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themediumonline.com
Volume xli Issue v
50¢
Octobah 6th, 2010
WORTH A SHOT
CIA Adopts New Interrogation Tactics in War on Terror “Totally Just Chilling With My Bro Achmed al-Zawahri”
BY JOHNNY CHALLENGER MANAGING EDITOR
WASHINGTUN—After years of unsuccessfully attempting to acquire information through traditional methods of interrogation, the CIA announced a bold new strategy designed to appeal to the detainee; just hanging out and drinking with the guys. “First of all, instead of calling the subject of the interrogation ‘detainee’, we will rather refer to him simply as ‘bro’, said CIA Director of Interrogation Marcus Trent. “For instance, we’re having a killer get-together in Interrogation Room 4 of the CIA headquarters this Friday! Invite your friends, especially you, Abdul Mohammed of 1212 Victory Way, Spokane, WA. Especially you!” This new style of questioning “bros” was developed after social scientists spent countless hours and millions of research tax dollars observing the behavior of people at parties, specifically those who were incredibly intoxicated. Dr. Robert Mallone,
"Of course it was justifiable, it meant we had too many employees!" commented Vice President Philip Furmanski. "Didn't you pay attention to those videos in health class?"
"I mean, come on. I've hunted for seal pelts at sub-zero temperatures and I never bitched about it."
LATE NIGHT SURVEILLENCE Agents seek out potential terrorists/drunk people. who also led the research project, noticed that whenever people were drunk and were hanging out with their friends, almost all subjects began their sentences with “Dude, I’m not gonna lie” and “No, bro, let me be honest with you” both indicators of true statements to follow.
“We think that if the Government stopped trying to be this law enforcement agency and instead acted like a ‘chill dude’, then we could learn valuable intelligence,” said Dr. Mallone. “Also, it would be cool if we were invited to one of these interrogation parties…right? Continued on page two
News of parents' visit sweeps Delafield home
DELAFIELD STREET—The parents of junior Jose Corchado declared their intentions to visit their son this weekend, following a 90 minute sojourn from their home in Scranton, Pennsylvania. Speaking via phone last Sunday, Mrs. Corchado said she and her husband are due to visit as they have not seen their precious son for several months, and would love to see what Jose and his roommates have done with their place on Delafield Street. This will be the Corchado’s first visit since they helped their son move in last June. Meanwhile, protests are surfacing within the house regarding the impending visit. Corchado’s four roommates
Rutgers plagued with staph infections, fires custodians
'I don't see what the fuss is about the weather,' says Eskimo exchange student
WIDESPREAD PANIC
BY COMMANDO UNITED STATES NEWS EDITOR
NEWS QUICKIES
gathered outside his room last night to voice their opposition, stating that his parents' views of cleanliness, godliness, modesty, abstinence, and general dignity are not welcome in their home. Corchado stated that he does not wish to build any suspicions that he and his roommates are harboring elicit substances and/or women in their bedrooms. Clean-up efforts are expected to take at least six hours and will necessitate the participation of everyone within the home. The most difficult task is expected to be locating the home’s four fire alarms, which Corchado and his roommates deinstalled promptly after moving in four months ago. "Man, we have motherfuckin' bowls all over the house,"
Off Campus Students Association meets to discuss financial aid strategies "Well, I mean we already save about ten grand by not living on campus," said senior Matt Keller. "Really, this meeting is pretty unnecessary, I think."
Pole hugger will single-handedly save the REXL from falling apart "I really don't know what we'd do without her," said Director of Transportation Jack Molenaar, upon smelling the hipster. "She's completely entitled to have the pole all to herself. Just let her do her job."
NEXT WEEK: MESSY SITUATION Corchado has not seen his cat or his shoes for a month
said Ron Diaz Cruz, a current resident. "Cereal bowls, as far as Mama Corchado is concerned. Those Cocoa Puffs, I'll tell you." Should the visit go well, Corchado is guaranteed financial support from his parents for at least the upcoming year.
Not to be Used as Suppository ESTABLISHED 1970
THE MEDIUM GOES TO COMIC CON! ZOMG! As if you don't have enough reason to read this paper...
THE MEDIUM
NEWS
"Fist pumping to Simon and Garfunkel should send you straight to hell!'"
DEAD ON ARRIVAL
UNIVERSITY POST OFFICE MISPLACES MAIL-ORDER BRIDE
RECORDS HALL—Last Friday, the Rutgers College Avenue Post Office, currently ranked the 3rd most inefficient in the nation, was shut down for four hours due to the misplacement of a mail order bride. The Chechnyan war bride named Patrinka had been purchased several days prior on Craigslist by Chemical Engineering major, Luke Fisher, who had made a bet with four nerd friends that he could lose his virginity by the end of September. “If I lost, I would have had to
pay for their Starcraft accounts for a whole year. The heat was on,” said Fisher, a sophomore. Fisher claims that on September 27th he received an email saying his package had arrived. However after waiting five hours in a ten person line he was told that the post office did not have his package and that he should come back after their lunch breaks were over. After three days the post office finally admitted that it had misplaced the 6 by 2ft crate holding his soon-to-be sex slave. On Thursday, people started to complain about a foul odor, which lead to the closing
CIA PARTAAY
FUN FAIR (AND BALANCED)
BY DESMOND LEE STAFF WRITER
Continued from front
C’mon guys, we’re cool right?” Critics of this new CIA program include doctors in hospitals who have had to deal with a 400,000% increase in the number of alcohol related hospitalizations. Included in the dissent is the loud, outspoken Mothers Against Destructive Decisions advocacy group. "We need to prevent the government from protecting us!" said idiot Debbie Maynard. Immediately seeing an opportunity, Coors Light has received a government contract and haschanged it’s slogan from “Brewed with Pure Rocky Mountain Spring Water” to “Brewed With Pure Water From That Place Where You Hung Out With Osama Last. Where Exactly Was That Again?" We Forget.”
Come to a meeting!* Wednesday 8:00pm Rutgers Student Center Room 410
*free imaginary snacks! Editorial Staff Fall 2010
F
Wednesday, October 6th, 2010
of the post office on Friday, during which time the missing parcel was found under a large pile of textbooks that had been tragically been placed over the crate’s air holes. “What sucks the most…” said Fisher “ was that I did not pay the insurance surcharge. Then I would have gotten a replacement bride of equal or lesser value for no extra charge! ” The Rutgers Post Office has refused to refund Fisher for their $3,400 screw up and today released a statement reaffirming that they are “not responsible for lost or damaged goods, or anything else for that matter.”
Glenn Beck holds rally at theme park Calls for changes in government spending; cotton candy prices
BY SUM DUM JOO NEWS EDITOR
JACKSON—To kick off his Restore America tour, Glenn Beck hosted the first of many rallies at Six Flags Great Adventure, a theme park in Central New Jersey. The rally, attended by over 1800 supporters of the conservative media star, allowed Beck to address numerous important topics and events. Topics covered included the rising cost of healthcare, wasteful spending by the government and how displeased everyone was that a small cup of soda cost $4.50. “Hard working Americans want to keep their money,” said Beck to his crowd of support-
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Senior Editor
Reven MacQueen John Bender Joey Threlfall Tim Swanson
ers. “I mean, they make us pay five bucks for a pretzel and the cheese cup costs an extra buck fifty? What is this nonsense?” He continued his speech about moral advancements abroad. “We have a moral imperative to use what we have to make sure freedom remains in this world. We also have the imperative to make sure we don’t spend sixty bucks and only get to go on two rides because the lines are so fucking long!” When asked if organizers should have dropped the fifty dollar admission fee for the event to save patrons money, Beck called the idea “out of the question.” News Editors Kaitie Davis Jordan Gochman Features Editor Katie Russian Opinions Editor Erinn Koerner Arts Editor Kristen Cignavitch Personals Editor Carmella Luczak
28 DRINKS LATER
Paranormal police squad confuses drunk students for
ZOMBIES BY TUBERCULOSIS STAFF WRITER
MINE STREET—Hundreds of eager, party-going freshmen ran for their lives last week as they were chased down by a group of militants, who mistook the event for an uprising of the undead. “There was no way that many people could all be students,” commented Dan Hoopes, one of the militants. “We saw swarm after swarm of these things shuffle past our house. When one group started moaning ‘beeeerrrr,’ we knew it was only a matter of time before they concluded with ‘aaaaiiiiiinnsss.’ Brains. And we figured then that the shit was about to hit the fan.” Mr. Hoopes, along with his companions, then gathered makeshift weapons, ranging from beer bottles to lampshades to a “favorite antique longsword,” and threw themselves at the crowds of unsuspecting first-years, delivering blunt trauma wounds to several, decapitations to a few, and a lampshade hat to one confused and embarrassed student, who prefers to remain anonymous. “We’ve spent long nights preparing zombie contingency plans,” remarked Brian Wickizer, another attacker. “The idea was for us to fight our way to the top of the hospital parking deck and hold out there until a chopper arrived. When the sun started to rise and we saw the streets had cleared out. we decided it was safe for us to go home. Also, some doctors were yelling at us for sitting in their parking spots.” When asked if they ever for a moment entertained the notion that the assaulted were actually normal human students looking for beer, Mr. Hoopes and Mr. Wickizer assaulted this reporter with lampshades, labeling him a “zombie sympathizer.” Personals Editor What’s Shakin’ Editor Copyeditor Photo Manager Webmaster Faculty Advisor
Kenneth Brooks Amy DiMaria Jack Knight Abe Stanway Abe Stanway Barbara Reed
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication, and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. On a serious note, this issue is dedicated to Tyler Clementi. “The most authentic thing about us is our capacity to create, to overcome, to endure, to transform, to love and to be greater than our suffering.” - Ben Okri
Wednesday, September 22nd, 2010
THE MEDIUM
FEATURES “And that’s how I beat Shaq!”
or drink is permitted. I said, “Sir, was taken back by the thought I tried Wikipedia and I even asked A Commuter’s Soberish Take on Rutgers it’s only a coffee?” He refused that my light and sweet, Dunkin’ ChaCha but I wasn’t satisfied so I to let me stay so I told him to go Donuts coffee wasn’t kosher? used one of my lifelines and phoned fuck himself with my eyes saya Jewish friend of mine. Using all my Light and Kosher Besides making my friend’s day, ing, “Fine…I won’t get a sundae.” resources I finally believe I have dethe whole incident prompted me to I was in Highland Park last week veloped a few formulas to determine I left the shop but my friend (now research the meaning of “kosher.” grabbing a coffee with my friend. whether or not something is kosher. laughing his ass off) stayed inside to He’s not a fan of java so I agreed order his frozen delight. I decided The KosherFormula to walk with him down Rt. 27 to a to take a seat at one of the tables outCarvel for ice cream. Why not? One side the shop but almost immediatecannot get enough dairy products. ly I was attacked again. My friend We arrived at the small ice cream (in tears), opened the door telling shop and saw an Asian man work- me that the parlor attendant wanted ing the counter. He was the me to take my coffee off the table. only man in the store and had his WHAT THE FUCK???!!!???!!! arms crossed on the counter in He ran outside screaming hysterifront of him with a smile so big on his face it made the whites of cally to leave immediately because his eyes even harder to notice. his establishment was “Certified Kosher.” I had no choice but to reI took one step into the shop extaliate this time with every bit of rage pecting a pleasant greeting from THEREFORE… and stereotype I had in my arsenal. the man; however, I almost ended Asians that work at Carvel are rabbis and non-Jewish persons interactHis words were, “Prrease, up shitting my pants thinking he ing with those rabbis must get rid of their coffees and consume only food was going to nunchuck me. He you have to respect others’ reitems deemed appropriate by the Old Testament? Um, ok? started yelling to me to get out of rigions.” Now besides the misSomething like that… his store because no outside food pronunciation of “religions” I
Going InShane
Driving for Dummies As an out-of-state student from New England observing New Jersey traffic patterns, this is what I imagine the Pennsylvania permit test to look like:
A Limitless Imagination By Johnny Walsh, Contributing Writer
I’m quite thrilled to be living in this wondrously happy time in Earth’s history. It is true to say that human kind has progressed far since our misguided ancestors. Buggers could barely figure how to harness fire, when clearly all you have to do is refill the Zippo™ and change the flint. Duh. We’ve created marvelous inventions to make our lives easier, many of which would have left our forefathers awestruck, just before they accused us of witchcraft and burned us for our sorcery. I’ve often wished I could take a 1700’s minister to Brower just so I can make a big show out of the automatic doors, magic! We’ve mastered flight, communication, entertainment, capitalism, life, almost everything. Nearly every possible outcome for the future has been laid out in clever Science Fiction novels, or represented in film. There’s the end of the world, end of the world with monkeys taking over, almost end of the world but Will Smith saves us (I think he did this 3-4 times?), almost end of the world but saved because Aliens are allergic to water, you name it, we’ve got it. With the future closed off to us, where next shall our unparalleled minds wander you ask? What great story shall we come out with next?! Piss off, there isn’t one. The human imagination is
a stagnant old beast on its hind legs, slowly dying off from starvation. Well feed the damn thing! Except it feeds only on good ideas, and you haven’t been helping by wearing that bloody ridiculous outfit in public, and that time you decided to sleep with Tim. Come on? Tim? That kid is gay. Literally. Talk about bad ideas. We’ve become content with retelling the same damn tale a million times with slight changes. Remakes of remakes are all the rage, if you’re the most boring man in the world perhaps. I mean hey, I haven’t heard of that story where a bunch of characters band together and fight off an evil power taking over the world. Wait, I’ve got it, make them all Owl’s, let’s “hoot” this. Or how about the time that local sports team overcame all odds to win it all? Our ability to imagine something new and exciting is slowly withering away, but that’s ok because the world isn’t real and its all in my head. Or was that the movie I saw last week? I’ve been thinking about turning to screenwriting, get this, Patty Pancake moves into the tray next door, can she find love with her goofy neighbor Harry Hamburger? What about Balthazar Bacon’s desire to make Patty part of his complete breakfast? Surprise hit of the year coming to a Table near you.
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In Memory of Tyler Clementi
THE MEDIUM
OP/ED “We could teach Russel Brand a thing or two”
Here Comes Don’t Let the Beg Bugs Bite Halloween BY: ApostroSHE’ STAFF WRITER
Here we are in October. Halloween approaching and I know there will be a flood of opinions and personals suggesting that girls wearing slutty Halloween costumes are horrible. I would like to head things off by refuting that claim. We live in a country where freedom of speech and religion are Brilliant Costume supposed to for the DD in your be innate; yet party! those ideals stop at the college Halloween blowout.
If girls want to advertise their good I say good for them. If they want to get drunk and blow every guy they see so be it. I do have a challenge for he scantily glad women of the 31st: Lets be creative this year. Gone are the days when the simple “nurse naughty” costume was acceptable. Why not show off your brains as well as your boobs in a sexy stimulating stimulus costume? Display your sense of humor as well as your girl parts with a side-splitting social commentary. We girls have a right to show-off what our mothers gave us-why not do it in an interesting way? If you make the ugly girls laugh they support your costume. Period. Lets not only shock by awe this Halloween.
Wednesday, October 6th 2010
Seriously
BY: Investigatory Journalist STAFF WRITER
pressed. These critters are very like some of The Medium Editors in their matting habits; the Bugs. There are normally males find a female, take her by many bugs (primarily spiders) surprise and pierce her (in any that try desperately to enter soft area) with their short and our homes and door-room dur- pointy members. This method ing the fall; but this year there eliminates the ‘headache’ exare two additions to the autumn cuse that had formerly kept cast this year. Bed Bugs. Stink their populations at bay. While Bed Bugs are fearsome Bugs. Both are horrible. and have some effect on how The Bed Bugs that had been we live our lives I posit that nearly extinct since the time of powered wigs and ivory teeth the harmless Stink Bugs are far have come back with a ven- more horrifying. Firstly they geance. They have infiltrated are gross. They look like shields our clothes, beds, movie the- and you can’t smush them because they aters, and are sexualI fear our ly attractu p h o l ed to their stered lecown sent ture hall seats. Ev(again; ery time much like I have to the masit down jority of in one I Medium fear some Editors). freshman Plus when who hasn’t they aren’t done his scared of laundry, people so or washed This is the first real chart in the Paper. they don’t his hair in m o v e four weeks has sat there before when you are near them. More me. Or the very clean person who went to a movie theater be- than once I haven’t noticed one fore class and sat in a seat that of those hellions until I was alwas formerly occupied by some most touching it. They are the most terrifyfreshman who hasn’t gone his ing things in the whole world. laundry or washed his hair in weeks. Anyone can get them They came from China in the and they are damn near impos- late 90’s; just another reason to hate the Chinese. They take our sible to get rid of. While they are young they are rare earth minerals, beat us in almost impossible to see. They all REAL subjects of study, and look like little white dots and now they are responsible for the feed on the blood of orgo stu- bugs that haunt my dreams. I say we genetically engineer dents, but are willing to snack on the lowly grad student when ladybugs to eat them.
Cute Things Area
RIP Tyler Clementi.
Love, Hate, Retaliate. Send in your submissions and see your name in print Submitted By: Ehud “The Awesome”
OPINIONS@ THEMEDIUMONLINE.COM
Oh my Quatzequatel! If you’ve ever been outside the Rutgers Student Center around 9 PM, especially on Tuesdays, you would be pretty familiar with the Evangelical Christian guy yelling about hellfire and sin while surreptitiously glancing at girls’ asses. He’s pretty acerbic when it comes to his beliefs too; listening to what he says, apparently homosexuals, Muslims, other Christians, masturbators, Atheists, rock n’ roll enthusiasts, and Jim Carrey fans are all going to burn in hell unless we repent and accept Jesus Christ as our lord, savior, and awkward stepfather. I usually respect others’ religious beliefs, but this guy goes too far.
There are four things I hate in life: 1. Sarah Palin, 2. Getting cockblocked, 3. Getting cockblocked by Sarah Palin (it happens), and 4. Proselytizing nutjobs. First of all, I’d like to say that no one is right or wrong when it comes to religion. The Flying Spaghetti Monster is just as likely to be the grand deity of the universe as Jehovah, God, Allah, Vishnu, Zeus, or Lady Gaga (She may or may not be possessed by a holy spirit; she does speak in tongues, after all.). So essentially, when they yell and rave about how their god is superior to my god, all they are doing is telling me that they are a bunch of ignoramuses. In this land of religious freedom (or so it’s called), people have the right to practice whatever religion they so desire. So, if they think that everyone who does not share their beliefs will die in a fiery, sulfurous pit, at least we’ll all be in good company together. In fact, I think that might be the party of the universe. Keep doing what you’re doing guys, and pretty soon we’ll be kicking back and drinking some Yuengling with Socrates and Marylyn Monroe. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must sacrifice a goat to Shiva and eat its heart to gain its power. That’s all for now,
THE MEDIUM PEOPLE. SIGH.
DICK, DICK, PUSS! i hate it when the tip of my dick falls into the toilet water every time i take a shit, it’s just so fucking big... (Next week’s Mediocracy topic will be how many people think this guy is over compensating for his actual dick size.) To my dick, good job last night. Shes definitely calling back. (Just the fact that you’re sending this makes me believe she won’t. Sorry.) My friend needs someone to fuck her so she could stop being so bitchy. If interested, call me at
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
“Why do they call it Crush? Do they literally crush the fruit to get the flavor in the bottle?” ROLLIN’ ON 18... ROUTE 18, THAT IS Dear drunk douche on the weekend 2, please respect my personal fucking space before I chop off your mini-dick that you have been naturally grinding on me, like you fucking knew me or something. Do not put your hand where I put mine on the bus just so you can molest me you fucking creap. If thats the only way you can get some attention from a girl, than your fucking pathetic. Fuck you, get off the fucking bus and never tell me to “quit bitchin.’” To the fucking H bus driver today- did you need to slam on ur breaks? The bus was jammed and you literally sent us all flying. Learn to drive better. Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry (Not to take the driver’s side, but maybe if you put your Verizon Wireless Blackberry up and hold on, it would help you. Just a suggestion.) To the cute engineering senior I met on the H bus - I’m really sorry I hit you with my newspaper. Hope to see you again so we can talk about more than just Gossip Girl. (Aww. How cute. Very heartwarming in fact.) To the dumbshits on the F bus, You don’t need to request a fucking stop every 12 seconds. The bus ALWAYS stops at the same places. You will be able to get off at College Hall so don’t pull that goddamn yellow string again.
ANOTHER DICK. Hey Fly, get the fuck out the bathroom already and stop flying around dick! (unless you want to suck it) (I wonder if any animal rights activists will respond to this one...)
Rules for Life
1. Don’t Hug Grizzly Bears 2. Never Drink Sulferic Acid Without Chasing 3. Never Masturbate On Your Grandmother’s Couch 4. Send Personals To The Medium Everyday!!!
personals@themediumonline.com
UNFORGIVABLE to that asshole in my Roman Civ class who sits in front and has to constantly interrupt the professor, just because you get wet at the thought of classic history doesn’t mean that anyone cares. Its like 800 fucking degrees in there and nobody is in the mood for your shit you wang wrangler. (You, sir or madam, have introduced me to a new term. “Wang Wrangler”. Spread it, Rutgers.) to the fucking truck that decided to tailgate me all the way down river road at 10 pm: I don’t mind you tailgating because in the end it’s coming out of your wallet, but for christ’s sake can you NOT keep your brights on when there’s 50 other cars in front of you? you’re fucking blinding us and the damn road has FUCKING STREET LIGHTS!! you’re brights are NOT going to turn night into day asshole. To my roomie, WTF. Stop hiding the Yummy Yummy menus under your pillow. It is WEIRD. We have all seen you hiding them. Fucking stop. You know who you are, you creep. Thanks, the Suite (Excuse me, but it is well within her right to hide Yummy Yummy menus. Maybe she has a menu fetish. Let her live her life.)
FROM THE DESK OF DR. K. Rutgers University, I’m sure we are all more than aware of the situation that occurred last week with the late Tyler Clementi. The situation was unfortunate but sadly not one that was unexpected. We as a people continually tolerate acts of disrespect. These acts are not only acts against people with different sexual preferences or of different races. These acts are to people different from and the same as us. It has become acceptable to call our friends out of their names, play pranks that are less funny, and moreso cruel and disturbing. I hope that as a people, we will stop these actions and begin to respect one another, and that we can avoid causing anyone to feel humiliated to the point of self harm. Peace and Love to all of you, Dr. K
POLICY
GLUTTONY
To the New Brunswick Parking Authority, How fucking stupid are you people? There was clearly a parking permit on my window and you left a fucking ticket anyway. Now I have to go spend MY time to go down to your shitty office and fix this. I beg of you to just get a real fucking job. I hope you all die a very slow and painful death. :)
Dear faggot eating your take out on the steps, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!? I’m trying to walk to the stairs but your gigantic hippopotamus-esque body is blocking my way. Burn some calories from the shitty brower take out food and find a fucking bench to sit on. If you haven’t gotten the point, you’re fat, lose some weight. to the girl in the computer lab in ARC: no one wants to see (or hear or smell for that matter) you eat your nasty burrito while watching trashy tv on the internet. please make bad choices elsewhere.
BAA...
To the blonde bimbo talking to her friends during the comedy show... STFU. I didn’t go to the comedy show to listen to what you think is funny you blonde bitch To the faggots who leave their clothes in the dryers for hours, get your shit and GTFO, there are other people waiting to dry their clothes you inconsiderate bastards. I had to remove your shit before I could dry mine. I really don’t want to touch your ass flossing thongs or your semen encrusted boxers even if it’s “clean”. (Agreed. I’m sick of those bastards. Why start laundry when you’re not going to finish. This is not the basement in your house, its a fuckin public machine. Get yo’ shit.) Thank you to the famous Red Bandana Kid for making my day while taking a picture with me at Brower during lunch. You made a bad joke to me but I forgive you because of your sweet sense of style. (Okay, the thing that scares me is that you are actually serious about this.)
PERSONALS
SEND SHIT TO PERSONALS@THEMEDIUMONLINE.COM OR FEEL THE WRATH OF DR. K.
Two weeks ago, we asked you to vote for your favorite chaser. After taste testing and passing out, you eventually sent in votes and the results are in. Apparently, 35% of RU students are not pussies, and don’t chase. Represent RU!!! Keep submitting your votes and personals at personals@themediumonline.com! -Dr. K
Sierra Mist/ Sprite 8%
M AST E R-D E BAT E RS
“Who needs chasers?!? Take that shit straight!”
Beer 13% Straight 35%
Water 7% Orange Juice 20%
“I use Coke.” (Editor’s note: I am not sure if this person was referring to chasers or otherwise. In any case, enjoy buddy.)
Coke/Pepsi 17%
“Sprite and vodka tastes so good together.“
What do YOU think is the BEST Rutgers Eatery? SCHEZWAN EXPRESS GIOVANELLI’S
JIMMY’S
Other... You Choose!!!
BROWER COMMONS
PERSONALS
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
“Nothing. I have nothing for you.” WTF? SERIOUSLY.
EFFIN’ WEIRDOS
EMPTY THREATS
JUST AWESOME
To my Roomate, we have known each other for many years, unfortunatly for you I have gotten to know your mother as well. We usually wait till you venture of too your job (working the corners to support your crack habits) to meet up and get down to business. Well its gotten so serious between us that I invited her down for the weekend so I am going to need the room so I can push the beds together because I do not like to cuddle after I fornicate. thanks, BITCH!
My fellow 3rd floor nieghbor: How are you SO SEXY? The things I would do to you are probably illegal in this country and parts of Australia. When you sleep, I lay my head against your door imagining I am next to you. ditch that bitch with the highlights and LOVE ME FOREVER. (He does love you sweetie. He just doesn’t know it yet. YET...)
To the girl in brower who laughs loud enough for ALL of us to hear, its 8am. Knock it the fuck off before I walk over and drop kick your florescent v-neck ass back to what ever exotic counrty you come from. No one cares that your tan and beautiful, you laugh like a southern black woman crossed with a mule giving birth. Dear guy who called the cops cause my bumper was “ blocking your driveway” I paid almost 200 in fess from the towing place and tickets. If I ever decipher your signature I swear to god I’m going to ruin you. And take back my 200 out of your wallet and your face. Thanks. Angry PT loser.
To the bitch who ate her lollipop as loud as she could in the library, no one thought that the sucking sounds that were coming out of your mouth were hot.
To the chocolate guy with the glasses: Are you psychic? You knew EXACTLY when my package would be available for pick up when I asked. You replied “between 110 weeks,” I admit I was skeptical, but you proved me wrong, you’re a true hero. Why does Rutgers feel the need to constantly remind me to not give out my password? I think that when I student comes forward and says that their eden account was hacked they should be met with “Sorry, you failed the test...you must leave this university in shame...never return”. To the bitch who stole my tray in Brower over by the Pizza Wall a week ago: are you that dimwitted to not realize that a tray with utensils on it might have been temporarily placed there by someone while they go get his or her pizza? I was too dumbfounded to even say anything to you as I came back with a plate of pizza only to see some oblivious trollop put her own plate of pizza on my tray and make off with it. Stupid. Absolutely stupid. To the New Brunswick Parking Authority How fucking stupid are you people? There was clearly a parking permit on my window and you left a fucking ticket anyway. Now I have to go spend MY time to go down to your shitty office and fix this. I beg of you to just get a real fucking job. I hope you all die a very slow and painful death. I think you’re snazzy.
If there are any cocky, curvy, good-looking and well-spoken girls out there looking for a tall, slender, highly attractive, and polite Indian guy who knows how to wine, dine, and show a girl a good time, keep an eye out for that unmistakable swagger when you’re on the Douglass campus! (I’d lock my doors if I where you...) To the girl who makes up 50%+ of Intro to International Relations chat room, shut your damn mouth. To the guy who replies to the thing she says, you sir need to get laid. To the awkward Asian Samuel from the LDD meetings: You’re absolutely batshit bonkers! Come over to Demarest Hall, we need people like you! Stop blasting “Ya’ll gon make me lose mah mind” on your iPod. We all understand you’re black, and have no need to flaunt it. If I may recommend some lighter songs to whiten you up a bit, I strongly suggest “Genie In A Bottle” or “My Heart Will Go On”. They were amazing white artists that you may enjoy. To the Rutgers Wrestling team. Rumor has it that WWE Chairman Vincent Kennedy McMahon is coming to pay a visit. Be sure to plan out your matches a few weeks earlier. Be sure to come up with a notable catch phrase and a new finishing move that doesn’t involve grabbing your opponent’s ass cheeks. Fo a goo time, call ShAnIqUa. Na-fo-fo, na-na-ayfo. I have a confession. That deer on route one. The dead one. That was me.
CLASSES I call you “girl with the afro” because you are so unimportant for the last four years having class with you I found it a total waste of time. I speak for all when I say this, for now on, don’t speak or ask question while in class. Your retardation makes me want to vomit with annoyance. You stupidity reflects on all of us so, please do us a favor. SHUT THE FUCK UP! To the kid who knows everything in my Info Environment class; Please shut the fuck up and take your crazy stick out ears elsewhere. What is with the idiots in my class in Murray Hall passing right in front of the professor while she’s lecturing? There’s space behind her desk to pass by if you need to go outside to pinch a loaf. This kind of classroom etiquette should be common sense, you rude fucks. (Murray Hall is the place where dreams come true...) Dear Windows 7: You take so long to log in at the labs that I willingly use a Mac instead of you. That’s how awful you are. (The IT Gods do not smile upon you...) I would change to Poli Sci, but I am too emotionally invested in the ITI program...
To my dark chocolate neighbor; you can come over to use my microwave anytime if you know what I mean. To all *tall*, *sexy, and confident* Asian boys: stop this shy exchange of sexy, flirtacious looks with me. Do the damn thing and cross over to the dark side. Because this Black girl could sure use a little Asian sensation in her day. Say something and let’s make magic happen ;) (Ahh. Spicy Caramel knows the frustration that those lovely, sexy shy men can bring. The dark side is better. We have cookies...) Dear evil brower manager; leave the Indian girls alone! Just cause you get 3 cents a day and all the shitty brower you want does not make you better than the rest of the gnomes. Go back to Busch and stay in your lab. Stop yelling at your underlings in front of To my roommate; You set your alarm really early It makes me want to give you a swirly You can’t satisfy your girlfriend I hate you, you stupid freshmen You play with your dolls It makes me lol You’re awkward as fuck. (More-so than that rhyme) Ps. I fuck with your shit all the time. I’m moving out. Love, your less big and Soul Calibur knowing soon-to-be-ex-roommate. To the tall asian guy with voluminous long flowing hair I saw in the Busch MSLC 2:30 on Tuesday; You look awesome- like a samurai. To the RUPD officer who did not give me a ticket on Monday when I parked in the wrong lot; Thank you so much. Its nice to know that all of you aren’t complete heartless douches. Why do you play these games? I have no more tokens.
THE MEDIUM JUST NOT AWESOME
Is it me or every time I walk past the Lipman House by Passion Puddle at night I hear a baby crying inside? Worst part is, all of the lights are off! That place is haunted I tell you, Haunted! Oh, and to my Orgo professor: It’s bad enough that the Orgo exams are on Sunday, but why the hell did you pick homecoming Sunday and Halloween Sunday? Really? (This is because everyone knows that Orgo professors are evil. One of the requirements is not having a soul...and disliking candy and puppies.) Fuck you glee. You suck this season (Glee just sucks to begin with so, whatever. I don’t care. I DON’T CARE IT SUCKS!) Dear Roommate and roomate’s “I wanna be black but I’m pasty white” friend, If the white bitch sits her fat, skanky, white ass on my bed and sleeps there ever again, I will personally fuck both of you up. With love, Your Roommate To the couple using the iMacs in the LSM computer lab, if you’re just going to make out with each other could you at least not be a) doing it in the fucking library or b) doing it while hogging two of the less frustrating brand of computers? Or, maybe, make an effort to do it quietly, so I don’t have to hear the spit sloshing around in your mouths. Any of these things would be wonderful. Love, me. One institution that goes above and beyond this standard is the CAC mailroom. Their expertise in the speed at which we receive our packages is almost God-like. Seriously, how do you manage to move back and forth between the front desk and your computer so quickly, and still manage to make me sign my name. All in only 45 minutes! Want to show me you care? Then send a personal. You know you want to. personals@themediumonline.com....and no names. NO NAMES!
WHAT’S SHAKIN’
Wednesday, October 6th, 2010
“You know you’re my friend but...Jesus Christ”
VIDEO GAME WEEK From someone who isn’t very educated about video games
Games that Scare Me: Dead Space
Up until about 3 months ago, my entire experience with video games consisted of old Nintendo 64 games. That means Pokemon Snap and a few racing games. So imagine my surprise the first time I played Dead Space for the PS3. A short way to describe it would be pants shitting fear. There’s a really complicated back story to this game but the main goal is to kill these huge mutant aliens that will fuck you up if you don’t kill them first. I think the creators of this game have survived plane crashes and now have no fear because every inch of this game is covered in something to scare me. It’s set on a dark space station with body parts everywhere. If the setting wasn’t scary enough, a 7 foot tall mutant can jump out from anywhere and rip you in half before you shoot the limbs off. Oh yeah, that’s another thing; you have to shoot the limbs off to kill them. The boss fights are even worse because the monsters seem to be crosses between spiders, octopi, bugs, and terror. There are about 16 types of mutants and each has a wail like it came from hell and right for me. When a huge monster is running straight for you with blades for arms and screaming like a banshee, I started screaming too most of the time. Since I wasn’t a very good shot for most of the game, I wasted a lot of bullets by firing randomly. I was always out of ammo when a hoarde was running at me which only added to the terror and I helplessly pistol whipped them. Despite being a total girl while playing, I actually really liked this game. I just have night terrors because of it.
You Better Remember: Pokemon Leaf Green/Fire Red
Why Did it have to be a Water Level? DR. DREHOOD STAFF ‘THAT GUY’
Every man, woman, and child who has ever played a video game knows what to expect the moment they see water - hours of hell. Below I’ve compiled 4 of the most annoying. Each can be completed with cheats or walkthroughs but that doesn’t change how fucking annoying they are.
TMNT: Under The Dam
While you’d think ninja turtles would have no problem in the water, the game seems to disagree. Sluggish controls, countless obstacles (electric seaweed?) and the fact that you have the shortest time limit ever had childhood me in hissyfits.
Contra: Waterfall Unless you used the Konami code AND had a friend playing, this level is impossible. If you’re one of those “I don’t need codes to play games” guys, play this game without it, I dare you, have fun.
Sonic: Labyrinth Zone The Sonice franchise was built on speed (and excellent music). So in the days prespin move, when you slow the game to a halt and must rely on waiting for air bubbles every 5 seconds, all while avoiding obstacles, it made me long for a loop-de-loop. Alas, it never came.
LoZ, Ocarina of Time: Water Temple Here’s a map of the temple - you’re gonna need it. Navigating through this level is a journey so epically complicated, the walkthroughs read like novels. If you ever want to break up with your significant other, have them try this level. They’ll hate you in minutes.
Need more Nerds? This ad took longer than the rest of the page!
I know my audience (hi mom!) is going to suggest that I write about Pokemon Red or hell even Gold for an old school column. But Leaf Green and Fire Red (which are pretty much the same game) have all the benefits of Red, Blue, and Yele at the Medium! I’m My only friends ar bad low, with better graphcis and game play. at fo ! e rmat t a ting! They basically took everything amazing about the first m m o o Pokemon games and made them look even better. The best yr ! m ork part is that you get to play an updated version of Pokemon but w is y IG ds m a C still have that beautiful, original 150. e K or wh It doesn’t include any of these new Pokemon that look e on nly o like a table centerpiece with legs. You want an electric Pokehe is t m mon? Get a Pikachu. Boom. I don’t know what the fuck a T o I’m the ho his mig ym ttest editor M h t b “Manetric” is and I don’t want one. e plagar here!
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Next week, The Medium goes to New York ComicCon! s ha ge
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DR. CLAYTON FORRESTER
events@themediumonline.com Email for your instructions.
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3 EDITORS. 1 CONVENTION. THOUSANDS OF NERDS