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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
Volume XLVI Issue III
50¢
OCTOBER 2ND, 2013
WE'VE BEEN CONNED
CONTROVERSY COMMITTEE ANNOUNCES PLAN TO PUT RUTGERS BACK INTO THE SPOTLIGHT
BY RANDY BUTTERNUBS NEWS EDITOR
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ-- Citing that Rutgers has not had any significant bad press since the incident involving former men’s head basketball coach Mike Rice, the Rutgers Controversy Committee has been hard at work to bring our university back into the spotlight. With a proud history of giving Rutgers a bad name, the Controversy Committee has been an integral part of Rutgers since its founding in 1766 when they helped effeminize the university through naming it Queen’s College. Today, the Controversy Committee is led by Gregory Aberdeen, whose experience with defaming universities such as Penn State and the University of Phoenix has given Rutgers hope that it will once again be looked down upon by fellow universities. The Medium brings you an exclusive interview with Aberdeen, as we discuss the bleak future of Rutgers University. When asked about the
"SHIT'S ABOUT TO GET REAL!" Chairman Aberdeen discusses the effort required to sabatoge the prestigous reputation of Rutgers University.
recent success with Mike Rice, Aberdeen smiled and stated, “Paying that asshole to chuck basketballs at those kids and call them faggots was the best use of our funding since we decided to become a public school!” Aberdeen proceeded to talk about
this topic for another 47 excruciating minutes. When asked about the recent scandal surrounding the lawsuit against the Dean of Douglass College, Aberdeen’s expression changed and he began to pour himself a glass of scotch. “We could have
6 SIDED DIE; MORE LIKE 20 SIDED DIE
Area Nerd Unfazed by Basement Party BY DOOKIE DRAWERS EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
COLLEGE AVE-- New Brunswick cellar-dweller Evan Martin seemed content as ever Saturday night, sitting in his usual corner playing World of Warcraft as dozens of sweaty bodies danced around him. Martin and his heinous neckbeard were engrossed in another marathon gaming session, so engrossed that his housemates’ seventh basement party of the year went on around him unnoticed. The cacophony of house music did little to penetrate his focus. The noise-canceling ability of his Turtle Beach 3XX74 gaming headphones, complete with mic and comfortable foam earpieces proved every bit worth the not inconsiderable 350 dollar price tag, paid for with best buy gift cards from aunt Maribelle. For once in the last week, Martin was not the only sweaty body in
A FEAT OF FORTITUDE AND DEDICATION Martin (pictured bottom right) remains ignorant of the copious alcohol and wild sex in the background of his video gaming session.
the basement in need of a shower. With his wheelie chair fastened to the floor by sticky stains of semen and jungle juice, Martin has not yet been seen moving from his spot in weeks. “We choose to keep the keg away from his bottles of urine,” said housemate Larry Sanderman. “He doesn’t leave the basement,
even to go to the bathroom”. Known not to talk to strangers, Martin completely ignored all party goers as he talked online to 40 strangers. Most attendees didn’t notice the shadowy creature in his dank habitat, though one used Martin’s neckbeard to Continued on Page 2
Keeping you Safe from the Truth SInce 1970
done a lot better. Only now do we realize that anything Douglass related is ignored by the media and even our own student body.” Over the past summer, Rutgers experienced a surge in Continued on Page 2
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