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Volume XLVIII Issue VII
October 29th, 2014
50¢
NEW RESEARCH DIVULGES SCIENCE "BEHIND" GHOSTS
BY BOO BEE NEWS EDITOR
QUICKIES
PRINCETON—New research presented by Princeton University suggests that ethereal spirits may, in fact, live among us. “Unlike the psychologists over at Rutgers, us real scientists have reaped years of data which proves that ghosts actually exist.” Dr. Rajnesh Kurian of the Physics Department reports. Their location, Dr. Kurian went on to say, may come as a surprise to many. “Once we isolated the waves of the lingering souls, we found that basically… How can I phrase this delicate- "TIME FOR SOME ECTOPLASM IN YOUR RECTO-PLASM" ly? They live in your ass.” I have some serious reservations about the afterlife now. Dr. Kurian’s research team even isolated the likelihood of has been widened somehow. In tire soul rammed up the behind? one’s colon being possessed by fact, if you’re gay or a porn star, As Dr. Kurian goes on to explain, the dead. “There’s a .879 prob- you’ve probably got more than “Ghosts don’t always exist on ability that there’s a ghost up one spirit hanging out in there.” this plane of reality. They are But then, why isn’t every- like Heisenberg’s cat in that they your ass right now,” stated research assistant Lee Hung. “And one walking around like a pal- may or may not manifest themContinued on Page 2 that’s even higher if the asshole sied penguin what with an en-
WAS IT THAT BLOATED BEFORE IT CAME ASHORE?
Beached Whale Causes Concern
BY CHILLBRO BAGGINS STAFF WRITER
ASBURY PARK— New Jersey Governor Chris Christie washed up on a beach late Monday night. The 52-year-old Newark native is still stuck on the shore, conscious, unable to move. Many eyewitnesses are shocked about what they saw. “It was late, I just remember hearing groaning and seeing a massive blob stuck on the shoreline,” said Mark Shaw, an Asbury Park resident. “I yelled to my wife to get the camera. I thought a whale had washed up,” said Shaw. “It wasn’t a “JUST KEEP MY BLOWHOLE ABOVE THE SURFACE” Photo credits: Sports Illustrated Fall 2014 Swimsuit Issue whale. You could say I was pretty surprised when I found noon when he noticed krill be- on the boat. that governor of ours just laying neath him. Christie then alleg“We all know Chis had a big there trying to roll over without edly dove off and ate his fill. He mouth and a big belly. I didn’t resuccess.” then is believed to have cramped alize how big they were until we Experts believe that Christie up, as he was unable to get back Continued on Page 2 was on his boat Monday after-
Stayin' Alive Since 1970
Dining hall runs out of buns, suspects anaconda infestation Missing persons report filed for Barchi Sigma Phigma ignores memebers after third decimal place Festive couple: "Dick or teat?" Rutgers to be included in new Game of Thrones novel "Black Halloween ghosts" turn out to just be religious Muslim girls Only thing slower than Rutgers buses are their clocks Slutty stat student takes morning after poll