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INSTA: @themediumRU
October 28th 2015
Volume XLX Issue VII 50¢ FROM NURSES TO HEARSES
ST. PETER'S HOSPITAL HIRES "NURCENARIES" FOR HALLOWEEN BY SAWYER BRUISE EDITOR
NEW BRUNSWICK—In order to accommodate the increased demands of Halloween weekend on the hospital's resources, management at St. Peter's University Hospital has outsourced duties to private contractors. The members of Nurses of Fortune are identifiable by their black scrubs and Sketchers. The problem started last year when the hospital ran out of beds in which to care for the alcohol-poisoned students. "The ambulances wouldn't stop delivering costumed inebriates," recalled Paul Flowers, a male nurse. "A lot of us later got laid off so there'd be money to buy beds, which were urgently needed with Veterans' Day just weeks away and the whole holiday season ahead. "Some of us have been hired back since, but Dr. Kelso recently decided that we could cut costs by having a non-permanent
QUICKIES
CRIME ALERT Slasher Kills Pretty Teens on Union St. Coors Light Announced Best-Selling Water in NB
"TWO TOURS WON'T PREPARE THEM FOR THIS WEEKEND" Even with extensive experience in the field, none of the contracted nurses are ready for combatting such extreme levels of alcohol poisoning. Be safe, folks!
nursing staff and be able to grow and shrink our personnel list without giving severance or vacation pay." The Nurses' Union and many locals have been outraged by the hospital's unrepentant use of "nurcenaries". There have been incidences in the past of nurcenaries having atrocious bedside manner.
Reports mention unnecessary force being used: sedating a belligerent drunk by striking him on the head with a bedpan; pile-driving a man in lieu of cardio-pulmonary resuscitation; skewering a tracheal obstruction with a chopstick; and even reusing needles on a patient who already has AIDS.
Foreplay Totally Ruined by Spotify Commercial Rogue Candle Ruins Shabbos No Attendees at OSU Game due to Spoiler
Continued on Page 2
RITUAL HAZING
SORORITY APPROPRIATES SATANIC CULTURE WITH PLEDGE SACRIFICE BY THE BUS KID TAYLOR SWIFT BODY DOUBLE
PISCATAWAY—Students and faculty at Rutgers University may have noticed strange chalk drawings scrawled along the ground at central points of Livingston Campus over the past few weeks. Mainly pentagrams, these illustrations have become a nuisance for Rutgers Facilities as they are charged with maintaining the campus’s safe and clean image. While RUPD searches for the culprits, some students mentioned that they have noticed an organization gathering late at night, dressed in black cloaks, holding candles,
Greek Life to Film "Brotherhood of Traveling Underpants"
and displaying the Greek letters “Gamma Theta.” Gamma Theta, an unsanctioned sorority at Rutgers University, opened
up a chapter at Rutgers last spring semester. While there is not much known about the sorority, members are often Continued on Page A7
ACCEPTING CANDY Since 1970
Homeless of New Brunswick Fly South for the Winter