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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themedium.net
OCTOBER 28th, 2009
Volume xl Issue VIII
GOD HATES WAFFLES BY TORGO VAN PELT STAFF WRITER
BROWER—The controversial Westboro Baptist Church caused trouble in front of Brower this morning, rallying in the hopes of spreading their hateful message. This is a developing story. Arriving on campus at 8:45, the small group quickly set up a griddle and made 10,000 pancakes in about five minutes. The crowd quickly consumed them in nearly the same amount of time. WBC then presented a host of speakers talking about Jesus, God’s word, and pancakes. “If everyone ate pancakes, 9/11 wouldn’t have happened!” bellowed Phred Felps, founder of the controversial hate group. “Neither would have post-season-eight Simpsons!” The WBC holds that the pancake is God’s one and only “chosen pastry” and that all humanity “must recognize its deliciousness or be doomed to eternal hellfire”. Westboro harbors less then kind feelings towards the flapjack cousin, the popular waffle. They are targeting Brower as part of a national spreadthe-hate tour due to its outspoken stance on providing waffle-making facilities to all students, every day. “God has damned the Earth to hell because of the waffle,” continued Phelps. “The waffle is holey, not holy
Take a walk down College Ave, and chances are you’ll see somebody who’s just been through a terrible bromance breakup. According to a nationwide campus survey, 2009 is officially “the worst year to have a brofriend.” The survey claims that eight out of ten bromances formed during 2009 are doomed to fail. Bromosexual relationships have also reportedly gone down 64%. Why the trend? Ex-bro and author of New York Times Bestseller “Unzipping the Past: Memoirs of a Bro,” Jeff Adler, thinks he has the answer. “What we’re seeing here is a wide scale grassroots movement flowing against the tide of bro livin’. It’s stemming from a constant stream of bro-ridicule from all fronts, including much of the mainstream media.” Added Adler, “We should expect to see the entirety of the bro populace extinct by 2012.”
CHABAD RABBI TO WBC:
Lest you drown in a syrupy hell
like the one-true-pancake! Don’t be fooled by its treachery!” The Rutgers community has rallied in support of the breakfast staple. “Wafflin’ is a way of life,” commented Sam Weiner, Outreach Chairman of Waffles for Whiteys, a local campus support club. “We will con-
tinue to enjoy their crunchy goodness and syrup-holding capabilities until the Moshiach comes.” The WBC has as of yet offered no comments on French toast. Watch for more Medium coverage as the story progresses.
Ghostbusters busted for warrantless break-in
NEW BRUNSWICK—When there’s something weird in your neighborhood, who you gonna call? Apparently, a lawyer. Several members of the New Brunswick Division of the Ghostbusters are on trial for breaking into a private home without a search warrant. The homeowner is citing a violation of the Fourth Amendment and seeks compensation for her beaten-down door, damaged household items, and muddy footprints all over her white carpet. The Fourth Amendment guards against “unreasonable searches and seizures,” and warrants are required if authorities wish to search any given home. Included in the laundry list of charges, are two counts of bustin’
Bromances breaking up by the dozen
JEWS IN THE NEWS
BY EC BLOOD N’ GUTS STAFF WRITER
down doors, one count of departicalizing pet poodles, and one noise violation from boomboxes blasting an obnoxiously bad theme song. Rubab Hassan, resident of the Ghostbusted house, had obtained a copy of the movie Paranormal Activity. RUPD was about to arrest her for illegally downloading content, as they had wiretapped her television. The Ghostbusters squad, through a wiretap of the wiretap, apparently misinterpreted the information and believed actual paranormal activity was taking place. The Ghostbusters in question, GHOSTBUSTIN IN They aint ‘fraid of no civil liberty infringements Peter Venkman and Egon Spengler, claim that the break-in was neces- cause, as he put it, “ghosts don’t fucking exsary because the homeowner’s life ist.” was in danger. Ron Jeremy has been commissioned in The plaintiff’s lawyer claimed light of it all to make Ghostbustin’ All Over there was not probable cause be- Your Face: Night of the Living Head.
Your Worst Nightmare ESTABLISHED 1970
“WE’RE JEWS TOO!” BY ABA SABABA NEWS EDITOR
OLLEGE AVENUE—In a drunkC en rage, Baruch Goodman, rabbi and alcoholic-in-residence of the Chabad center on College Avenue, tiraded against the Westboro Baptist Church during services last week. “These people hate Jews,” said the rabbi, “so why are they picketing Hillel? Those Reform schmucks are half the Jews we are!” He continued to kvetch about how faklempt he was that the WBC didn’t consider the biggest Chabad in the nation to be a viable threat. “The chutzpah they have!” shouted the rabbi. Added Goodman, “Those shmendricks!” The Chabad house is a stronghold for the Chabad-Lubavitch movement. According to their website, “it ain’t your Bubbe’s sect.” A textbook target for all types of anti-Semitism, some believe the Rutgers Chabad is tarnishing the movement’s reputation. “In India, we got terrorists to attack us!” remarked leading Lubavitch authority, Rabbi Menchaem Mendel Schneerson, referring the last year’s Chabad shootings in Mumbai. “What’s the schtick? Goodman needs to start picking up his game, before I schlep down there and smack him upside the tuchas! Enough schmoozing already!”
NEWS “My vheels! My god, I can’t move my vheels! ”
Masked Trick-OrTreaters hit up 7-11, PNC Bank BY COMMANDO UNITED STATES
NEW BRUNSWICK—Local residents were delighted to see some very enthusiastic trick-or-treaters who chose to make stops at non-traditional locations throughout the city. The anonymous pair, whose clever black costumes masked any identifying features, were seen stopping at several convenience stores, jewelry shops, and banks. “It was just SO cute.” said resident Helen Klein. “They’d step up to the counter with these little black bags and demanded that they be filled up.” Storeowners felt the pair’s Halloween spirit was contagious. “I was legitimately frightened!” said bank teller Nada Dolores. “The way they shouted and held their pistols up to my head, you could tell they had planned this out. I just had to reward them for their efforts. I put out our bowl of lollipops, but the one just smacked it to the ground. I tell you, these kids get higher expectations each year.” Dolores said they were very appreciative of the money she gave. “I couldn’t see their faces through the ski masks, but I’m sure those kids were beaming from ear to ear.” 7-11 clerk Sachin Desai said, “It was a real treat for me to see two people get so into Halloween. They went home with such a huge loot!” Added Desai, “Too bad we only keep $30 in the register at all times.”
Local pirate plans to get booty, hook up at costume party BY MOJO REAGAN CONTRIBUTING WRITER
EAST BRUNSWICK—He may be out of college, but that doesn’t mean Captain Calico Jack can’t get his jolly rogers on. The notorious sea robber has announced on Facebook that he’s throwing a swashbuckling “night of mayhem”, complete with yo-ho-hoes and bottles of rum. He predicts the event will be wellattended by his pirate buddies, with seamen flowing in and out of the back door all night. Captain Jack has made it clear that females of all sorts are welcome, including gold-diggers. “I enjoy a lady who appreciates buried treasure,” he said. “My favorite pick-up line is to just stand by the bar, and when the biddies ask for a ‘Captain’, I step in and help them find their inner Blackbeard.”
Editorial Staff Fall 2009
Wednesday, October 28th, 2009
RUTGERS TO BE PRINCETON FOR HALLOWEEN BY HERBERT THE FUZZY SPIDER
COLLEGE AVE—In keeping with the holiday custom, the entire Rutgers campus will pretend to be something that it will never actually be—a top ranked university with an enormous endowment. The idea came to President Richard McCormick when his wife suggested that the University change its colors from red to orange for Halloween weekend. “At first, I said ‘You dumb cunt! We’d have Princeton’s colors! You want to be just like Princeton?’ And then I realized that wouldn’t be so bad, would it?” Not to be outdone by Princ- GETTIN’ PREPPY President McCormick is briefly proud of his job eton, Rutgers will withhold no expense in the impersonation. Mil- address. McCormick promises that he grant extension from the United States lions of dollars are purportedly will reinstall the Princeton mailboxes Department of Defense. Despite these fun perks, many being spent on architectural refur- and street signs he unearthed and ran off with as soon as the weekend is over. students believe the campus-wide cosbishment and ivy fertilizers. Also benefitting are Rutgers fac- tume goes too far. Many are especially The experiment in make-believe has been reaping some very ulty members, whose research is sud- upset that the greek community has real benefits for Rutgers. Within denly of international importance. been ordered to shut down and operate the past few days, Admissions has Professor of Oceanography Glenn as “eating clubs,” the esoteric version reported a 437% increase in ap- Scott’s research on barnacle violence, of fraternities at Princeton. Students plications, most likely because which had previously gone unrecog- looking to party this Halloween will President McCormick has taken nized outside the Rutgers community, have to remember the three S’s: no the liberty to “borrow” Princeton’s is now being considered for a $750,000 shirt, no shoes, no service.
TELEVISION IS A BAND
Seth MacFarlane Launches 4th Generic Cartoon Sitcom BY ZAYIN GADOL STAFF WRITER
HOLLYWOOD—Bankrolling on the early success of The Cleveland Show, Seth MacFarlane has announced plans to air yet another series. The new show is entitled Two Gay Guys and their Jock Son, and focuses on a “lovable but dysfunctional family dynamic,” just like every other MacFarlane show. MacFarlane is also the creator of the modern television classics American Dad and Family Guy. “I’ve just had so many ideas lately, and I was having trouble expressing myself
though three prime time shows,” said MacFarlane. “The natural option was to start writing a fourth, and I hope America will hate it as much as they hate the others.” The Fox network initially hired MacFarlane to distract viewers from its conservative bias. As such, MacFarlane’s shows respectively embody the liberal ideals of “black people”, “Americans are fat and stupid”, and “making fun of Republicans”. According to industry analyst Matt Halupka, Two Gay Guys and their Jock Son plays on another topical issue in
interested in writing for THE MEDIUM?
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an effort to get those muck-raking bleeding-hearts to stop accusing Fox of dishonest journalism and a conservative agenda. “So far, it’s working,” posited Halupka. “After all, liberals love gays.” Independent oncologist Vince O’Donnell thinks differently. “I know cancer,” he proclaimed, “and Seth MacFarlane is cancer. He’s spreading fast, and Fox should immediately undergo a vigorous chemotherapy regimen.” Added O’Donnell, “Quick, before he metastasizes.”
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News Editors Abe Stanway Kaitie Davis Features Editor Keith Lawrence Opinions Editor Reven MacQueen Arts Editor Katie Russian Personals Editor Dave Imbriaco
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Carmella Luczak Mike Vuono Erinn Koerner Tim Swanson Barbara Reed Ass-burger
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its authors. The Medium is a satire publication, and should never be taken seriously. The office of the Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to the Rohini and Rachel, the two most adorably obnoxious freshmen on the planet.
October 28th, 2009
by Cal En
“By the time you read this, I’ll be drunk.”
rU going to read this?
Rutgers University is known as a “Public Ivy”. It’s a school with many plusses, and very few minuses. In the top 100 of many university lists. So there can’t be anything wrong with going to this school, right? Well we made one huge, glaring mistake with this damned school. It’s the name. The god damn name. Fuck. This. Name. Why do I feel this way in regards to the name? Well, I’ll give you a hint. RU familiar with this acronym? RU interested in learning what pisses me off about our school? RU getting the picture?
Every. Fucking. Flyer, for every. Fucking. Organization starts with our goddamned school’s acronym. “RU a fan of boating? Then join the boating club!“ “RU an anime fan? Then join the anime club!” It doesn’t even have to make sense. They’ll shoehorn that shit anywhere they can. “RU someone that knows how to speak Spanish? Then join the Spanish-Speaking Alliance!” I hate it. I hate people. I hate you. Jesus Christ I hate almost everything. Do people realize how unoriginal this is? Do people realize how derivative and retarded it is?
Do they not understand that the endless, mindless repetition of our school’s acronym is not clever anymore? I bet it was clever once, when the first guy thought of it in 1826. “RU for supporting the veterans of the war of 1812? Then join the Rutgers Veterans Support Brigade!” There. That was the one and only time it was funny you pieces of human shit. I wish I went to a school with FU as the acronym. “FU Rutgers, for having such a shitty name.” What school has FU as the acronym? I’ll found one: “Fuck University”. Heh, that’s awesome.
Ask Paris Halin... anything. Dear Miss Halin, I’ve been looking for a suitable Halloween costume that isn’t offensive but keeps my boyfriend’s eyes on me, and off the Hallo-whores that are sure to be at the parties we attend. What should I do? Confused Costume Dear Confused Costume, This is an age old question, and one not simply answered. I suggest we go back to the good old days when a costumes merit was judged on its realism, not on the amount of skin revealed. I think some creative costume ideas include: an Amish person, a butcher’s wife, a Muslim woman, or any of the Disney princesses. I am aware however, that many women feel threatened by women who are dressed as a sexy (insert pro-
fession). I would advise these women to increase the strength of their moral fiber, and not give into the failures of society. If you must degrade yourself, there is a rule you can use to ensure your degradation is not total. It is the rule of one inch. When going to a party, make sure that your costume is one inch higher in the bust, and one inch lower in the skirt than at least one other woman there. It is never advisable to show your mid-drift. If you follow this rule you will never be the party whore, and will keep your man’s eyes from wandering. Married readers may also entice their significant other with the promise of a ‘bedroom’ costume later that night. This promise need not be kept, only mentioned when a sorority girl wearing lingerie walks past.
Does God hate you? Take the quiz!
Question 1: Are you currently alive?
The Medium’s Last Second Election Guide Chris Christofferson
-Has promised to take a huge bite out of crime, but has choked recently. -This is true: He is endorsed by the New Jersey Restaurant Association.
Answer Key Yes: God hates you. No: See answer to “Yes.”
Governor Jonee Cosine
-He sucks, been fucking us hard up the ass with budget cuts while trying to line Schiano’s pockets, but dammit we need him now more than ever. -The recession combined with the recent campaigning has drained his bank account, turning him from filthy into merely ludicrously rich.
-He thinks all our problems will be solved by jailing every Democrat in -If elected, will make increases in social services, before slashing their current funding in half. the state. -Every morning he tries furiously to scrub off that Bush tattoo he got on -Has tried to capture as much Obama magic as he could by going out in blackface; hoping no one can tell the difference. his face that one drunken night. -If elected, will call for a more open good ol’ boys network.
-He is still begging Obama for the Treasury Secretary job, despite the fact that it’s already filled.
-Has a brother named Todd Christie, which I’m pretty sure is just former -He picked Your Jewish Grandma as a running mate. Governor Christie Todd Whitman wearing a moustache
Think you’re funny? Sign up for our Stand up contest! firstname.lastname@example.org
Chris Daggett - Had a brief lead in the polls thanks to 90s nostalgics, then lost it when they realized he’s not a beaver. -Has a tax plan which reduces property taxes by getting those freeloading parallel universes to pay up.
October 28th, 2009
Paranormal Activity fuckin’ sucks...there I said it
Features & Arts Have Decided To Join Forces This Week And Morph InTO
Presenting: The Halloween Whore-
Sexy Veggie Tales costume with added parts!
DISTRICT 9? DISTRICT FINE!
It’s Goatse the pin-up!
Start some guy’s reactor with you’re very own Kuato
FRANKENSTEIN As Told By...
Tim Burton My movie would begin with a camera going through the North Pole landing upon the ship of Robert Walton, played by Tim Roth. One day when the ship is completely surrounded by ice, a man in bad condition is taken aboard and that man is…Victor Frankenstein, played by my prodigal son Johnny Depp. As soon as his health allows it, he tells Walton the story of his life. Opening credits begin with music by Danny Elfman. Frankenstein was brought up with Elizabeth, played by my wife, Helena Bonham Carter again!, and his demeaning father, Christopher Lee. He did not have many friends, except for Henry Clerval (Paul Reubens (Pee Wee Herman)). At the age of 19, Frankenstein became interested in natural philosophy, Hot Topic, electricity, and MURDER. After the death of his mother, Frankenstein left to attend University. There, his interest in mad goth science quickly became an obsession. He was able to “bestow animation upon lifeless matter” and created a monster of gigantic proportion from random body parts taken from graveyards, slaughterhouses and dissecting rooms. As soon as the creature, played by Michael Keaton, opens his eyes, the beauty of Frankenstein’s dream vanishes: it became a horrible reality. He realized he made a mistake in creating this monster and when fleeing his laboratory he passes by a bunch of scarecrows.
MAMA BROWER’S PHOTO ALBUM
On the eve of his return home, he receives a letter that his youngest brother had been found MURDERED. While traveling, Frankenstein saw the abomination he had created and immediately realized that it was he who was responsible for his brother’s death. There, Frankenstein is confronted by his creation who tells him his life story. Around Christmas Eve, after leaving Frankenstein’s laboratory, he eventually finds refuge in a hovel next to small house inhabited by an old, blind man, played by THE Alan Rickman, yes I said THE Alan Rickman, and his two children. By observing the family and by reading their books, the monster learns how to speak and read. Moving scene; made my eyeliner run. The monster’s only request from Frankenstein was that he should create another being: a female to accompany him. If Frankenstein complies, the monster and his bride will stay away from other people and keep to themselves in the wild. When the work on his second creation advances, Victor starts to question his promise. He’s afraid that they might hate each other, or that they might produce a whole race of these creatures. A species of MANAPES, oh wait, I did that already. If Johnny Depp doesn’t win an Oscar for this…then I have done everything I could. Frankenstein marries my beautiful wife after promising her to tell her his horrifying secret the following day. Remembering the monster’s threat, Frankenstein is convinced that he would be killed that night. The monster; however, kills Elizabeth instead. Frankenstein follows the monster everywhere, which eventually leads him to the Arctic region: he dies in front of Walton. Wait a minute, didn’t I do something like this with Edward Scissorhands… naw different stories. And besides, there will be a shit-load of Frankenstein shirts to wear at Hot Topic. Happy Halloween Corporate America MWHAHAHAHA (cough cough) HAHAHAHA.
Here I am unmasking Stephen Colbert with my Mystery Machine and talking dog
Hey! Summit Something, Stupid! email@example.com
Wednesday, October 28th, 2009
ARTS “Life ain’t nothin but bitchez and money!”
Halloween Whore-Cast Continued...
A Star Wars geek’s wet dream: Slutty Greedo and Admiral Ackbar!
Smokin’ hot Exeggutor Pokemon
If Harry Potter were a fat chick...
Το μέσο To the MKW truck; You are such a bitch! You run people over, metaphorically speaking. You’re an a-hole to all. Have a good life. Never see you again. You’re best friend is a dickhead who does gymnastics. Only guy fags do gymnastics. Stop trying to fuck all the fucking girls in the dorm you’re a queer. To the 2nd floor of Lippincott - is it really that hard to walk down/up one fucking flight of stairs? I have to wait for your lazy asses to take the elevator down one floor.. suck it up and walk. love, 3rd & 4th floor To the dumb blonde at OIT who forgot to wear a bra; I deeply enjoyed that glimpse of your boobs when you bent over. Nothing like a look at a decent pair of tits to start off the day. Thank you. To the kid on the LX who was hitting on a girl by recounting his knowledge of Supreme Court Cases: Really? Do you think the girl is going to get wet when you express your disdain for the ruling in Plessey v. Ferguson? Is your idea of dirty talk reading Amicus Curaie Briefs? For once, I am asking a man who is hitting on a chick to speak about how much weight they can bench and how much beer they can hold in their system. In fact, I give you permission to do so!
Wednesday, October 28th, 2009
“Westboro Baptist Church; Populating Hell with inbreeds since 1955.” To my dumbass house mate that nobody likes; You are a bitch and your fat assboyfriend is a bitch too. The world does not revole around you and your cottage cheese legs. Your attitude is about as bad as your haircut, and your a selfish bitch who can’t take responsibility for your actions. you’re lucky I didn’t press charges on your ugly ass, and your ruining everyone’s good time in the house. Please get sterilized. Thank you. (Cottage Cheese Legs. Awesome dude. Awesome.) To the shit stain in LX; Quit advertising your millimeter tweener by dominating an entire seat for each of your lanky ass legs. Pull up your pants, shut your legs and move the fuck over. Your junk doesn’t need much room. (Sounds like all of the Livingston buses are full of complete assholes this semester....and shit stains apparently. That is just really gross....and annoying. Buses suck enough. They don’t need help.)
To the annoying Muslim bitch with the smelly ass head shawl right in front of me in Chem; Stop laughing at every other fucking word the professor says. GREAT DEPRESSION TEEHEE. How about you shut your fucking mouth and try to suck less professor dick. Maybe you should make a new head shawl to covTo the Ginger on the L bus er your annoying fucking Thursday night. To think mouth. that some one would drop Dear obvously awesome their phone in throw up on personal poster/writer, the bus then wipe it on a poor I just want to thank you girl’s leg is disgusting. Then for publishing my personal go on to criticize how she has submission (this was my throw up on her leg. I wonder first post and I am happy who put it there? Asshole. I to see it in print) and I am gave up my seat for her to get also extremely happy to away from you. Come find have seen that you used the me you piece of shit and pick phrase “Twat Waffle” in on someone your own size. this issue as well. Both of (Sounds like a real winner.) these things totally made my day/week/month/etc. Dear News Editor, You Because of this I may befucking suck! I wrote and come a regular Personal article 2 weeks ago and Writer so watch out!!! all I ever see is the shit you write that just fucking (Why thank you. That’s why I write for this page. sucks. Asshole. At least some people think (Sounds like you;re writing to that all of aren’t a bunch of wrong section, but thanks for assholes/ Keep the personthe lovely little rant anyway!) als coming!)
To that fucking asshole in the elevator of north tower: We WERE talking about you, you douchebag. You’re real smart for trying to start a fight in a fucking elevator when you’re outnumbered 4-1. You’re scrawny. Your earring is ugly. To the guy who called me a lesbian because I turned him down, stop coming into my room in the middle of the night. GROW A COCK you gigantic vagina! (What an asshole. Maybe he’s a lesbian....)
Dear assholes in physics 227: Shut the fuck up. We all know she’s a shitty lecturer but some of us actually need to listen in class to learn. Stop bitching about how class sucks so much. Maybe if you would shut the fuck up and let her teach you’d learn something. Also, we all know you can use the back of the seat in front of you as a foot-rest in the physics lecture hall, but for fucks sake don’t. My back is NOT your footrest! Stop kicking me in the back of the head every lecture assholes. (Or you can just solve all your problems and kick those annoying douches in the head yourself....) To the person that called out the orgo professor last week for hiding the average score of the orgo exams in a hidden problem in emails; I salute you! On that note,dear orgo professor, No one is impressed with your asshatery. You are a deuchenozzle! I bite my thumb at you sir!
To the guy in my EPA class that says DISAPPOINTED every fucking class, you’re fucking gay highlights are a DISAPPOINTMENT. SIT THE FUCK DOWN AND Let me try to listen to this tard of a teacher. To the idiots on Central; you play the worst music ever! Every weekend my ears bleed from the shit you play. Maybe if you knew how to dj and all of you werent so ugly you can get some pussy. (Maybe not. They just really suck.)
We the brotherhood of Kappa Sigma, are writing this letter in thanks to your years hard work. We cannot properly express our gratitude towards the dedication you have placed into watching our house over the last couple of years. You have kept the building in such exemplary conditions, during the period of out short sabbatical, that we are all tremendously excited to live within its walls next year. Thank you for all your time and hard work. Sincerely, Kappa Sigma To the short fugly bitch on the F two weeks ago; You were talking so loud on your phone and I wanted to shove your Blackberry down your throat to shut you the fuck up. When I requested a stop at the Public Safety Building, the bus door swung open and smacked you in the back of the head. Thank God. I left my book at Douglass earlier that day. Thanks for making my day cunt! (Why doesn’t this happen more often??? I fucking hate those people.)
To the jerk I dated for a week who lives on my floor: Stop telling people I’m a crazy bitch, or I really will rip your fucking hair out! To the girl who was next to me on the bus today, I could “feel” you reading over my shoulder while I was reading my Medium. The reason I’m writing this though is because you were dumb enough to tell me, “I never want to be in that newspaper.” after you had read the Personals. To all the stupid fucks who are parking like complete assholes in the Douglass Deck: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? WHO THE FUCK TAUGHT YOU TO DRIVE? RAY FUCKING CHARLES? Seriousely, the point is to park in between the two lines you cunt licking cum slurping pieces of shit! this is Slutgers, right? Let me try to explain this in terms you dirty fucking whores will understand: When youre fucking a girl you stick it in her cunt, and when your giving head you shove it down your throat. To the hot RUPD officer; I usually don’t say this, but you can tazer me anytime. Getting kicked out of Rutgers would be totally worth it. Dear Rutgers, Fuck you for making my bus stop at the visitors center on Busch that no one ever wants to fucking get off at. Dammit. To the fake ass Jew that lives above me. Go die. To the mother fucker who came into my house while i was so graciously allowing you to get drunk on my premises and stole blue original longboard. I WILL FUCKING DANCE ON YOUR FACE when I see you riding that shit. Thats right DANCE ON IT! To Mike & The Medium, I just felt I had to say thanks for the backpage article on Hillel & The Westboro Baptist Church, I think you said it better than anyone else. Plus, when The Medium says something you know it must be serious.
Bitch on bitches! personals@themedium. net
Wednesday, October 28th, 2009
“Find me more drugs! I’m a senior and running out of time to experiment!”
To the girl behind me on the cheesesteak line: The conversation you were having on the phone reminded me of an episode of “The Sopranos.” To put the icing on top of this stereotype cake, your thick New York accent made my ears bleed. (Get me some cawfee and a wauhdda, ya mutha fucka.) 2 the fucking retarded ANIMAL who used the shitter in RAB 2nd floor last tuesday, what the FUCK? how do u make such a mess with ur ass? the anus is so small compared to the toilet, and yet u manage to spray YELLOW-ORANGE feces all over the seat, wall, and flusher inducing dry heaves and vomit for everyone. FUCK U, LEARN TO SHIT RIGHT, u kno who u r, and that’s the worst part (Jesus fucking christ man...) i hate people who have chinese accents. so does the rest of the Caucasian population of rutgers. Prreeessee wrearrnn engrishh? To all the Frats: You are all a bunch of Pussies! Your door bouncers think their hot shit and run their mouth. You come up to me trying to kick me off what you think is “your” sidewalk. I love how when i get in your face and tell you to talk shit, you back off and say i have 60 boys inside that will kick my ass? And i love the fact you pieces of shits take advantage of the girls, i.e. sexually assaulting them and forcing your ugly ass’s on them. That’s why you joined a frat so you think you could be hot shit and get girls. To the faggots in MATLAB lecture: Shut the fuck up. You aren’t impressing anyone with your retarded questions. We all know that you already know the answers, you fucking elitist nerds. If you really need the answers to your “important” questions, go to fucking office hours so we don’t have to listen to your retarded babble. What if we did this? What if we did that? What if you go fuck yourself? To the guidos on the 4th floor of Crosby. You guys are fucking homos. Hey Westboro, where the hell are the Chick Tracts?
As I type this, it is 1:01 am on what has just become Wednesday, October 21st. Right outside my window at is a courtyard area along Bishop Quad where a collection of inbred retards are playing acoustic covers of Eminem songs and screaming at the top of their lungs. If any one of you is reading this: I will find out when your final exams are and I will stand outside your rooms and blast loud salsa music and techno remixes of broadway showtunes. to the girl across the street, call me a peeping tom, pervert, or what have you, i think you’re gorgeous and love watching you get changed. please dont ever close those blinds. ;-) (I can’t wait till she realizes what’s going on and chops your dick off.) To the Assface McShits in 32 Union who left their tighty whities in the dryers for over 2 fucking hours; Lick. My. Nards. Next time, stop trying to be a saggy ballsack, and start looking after your shit, before i poop in it... P.S. I pooped in your wash. To the guido greek kid nicknamed “bitch”, Honestly, how old are you that you get a goldfish and name it baby mitchell? Grow up. I think its really funny that your mom’s name is Effy because when i was fucking her all she said was “f me”. But I’m really writing this to advertise ur genital herpes. (I’m presuming you know about said herpes because you got it from his mom and then gave it to him, right? Or was it the other way around?) Dear mouth-breathing sports editor at the Daily Targum: I hope someone breaks into your Hyundai and pees on your seats. (“Mouth breathing;” are there people at the Targum that have gills or something?) To the big mouthed bitch in culture of sixties shut your mouth or I’ll stick my dick in it. (Beware, hippy girls are cespools of filth and disease. I’d recommend shoving a red-hot tire iron down her throat instead. Why does the C bus exist?
To my fucking pussydeprived, douchebag of a roommate; next time you decide to roll up my pillow and fuck it sideways like the asshole you are, try to remember you’re the only fuckface on this campus who has banana flavored condoms. Sleep with one eye open bitch... To you dumb fucks that like to cross the street like deer at random moments right as the car is about to pass. Keep being retarded because you step in front of my car i’ll run your ass over and not think to stop. Maybe then you’ll realize you can’t stop traffic, especailly a car. (Run me down when I’m on my bike, I fucking dare you.) girls should not wear leggings as pants. and speaking as a girl i just think that it’s wrong and disgusting and that women-kind feel ashamed when girls like this do so. (They can’t help it, they’re all clones of each other.) FUCK YOU FANNIE hey this is lafe from alpha sig, just want to let you know we got band night this week, you guys should really stop by (Buy an ad next time, you cheap fucks.) To the dykes across from us in the basement of Alexander on Sunday night. You two may be lezbos, but you’re ugly as fuck! Slobber over each other somewhere else or get your faces reconstructed and liposuction. To the tall kid that lives at that library on college ave and bartlett, takea shower. I see you with that tigers hat and rutgers basketball jacket all the time, and from what i’ve heard you break the toilets at the library. You sir are an epic fail. dear sluts thinking about going out tonight to tease every dick you encounter by acting like a bitch, acting like a CUNT wont get u laid Dear all Arab women: it is so NOT fair that you are almost all so incredibily GORGEOUS and yet so prude. Why can’t you all act like white, black, and brown girls and indulge my wildest fantasies? You tease my cock so badly...
FROM THE DESK OF SATANIC YODA...
Halloween is upon us, and how appropriate after this morning’s infestation of real ghouls (who else went to the WBC protest this morning?). And it just so happens to fall on a Saturday this year, so enjoy your Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights when the women of Rutgers get to display their true colors and cock tease all of us good, decent men on campus. You know the drill: you see this hot, whorish girl, start up a conversation, dance really close for awhile, maybe make out, and just when you think you’re in BAM! She’s gone and leaving you with blue balls. Thanks a lot, bitch. Have a kickass, intoxicated holiday, I know I will! Personals@TheMedium.net is the place to send your shit. Peace people! ~Satanic Yoda To the shady ass burnout on the 4th floor of Freelinghuysin... YOU HAVE NO FUCKING LIFE! All you do all day is make gay ass sims characters, sing horrible songs, watch bad tv shows, spray air freshener, and jerk off (cause you never have and never will get any). If you think stealing gallon tubs of ice cream from brower, throwing shit out of your window, smoking a corn cob pipe, and wearing sunglasses in the shower is a cool way to spend your time... ITS NOT!! If you come into my room again and change my droors or make noises in the hall while i’m working I will curb stomp you faggot! To the girls soccer team who made it all the way to #9 in the country. You girls fucking rock! At least one of our fall teams can make this school proud; and football team you owe me four hours of my fucking worthless life for that embarrassing Pitt loss, but you did win me $25 because I bet against you. So thanks. (At least you admit your life is worthless, now go choke.) To the big black dude driving the H bus.. just because you probably fled the Democratic Republic of Congo to escape civil war and provide for your family or some shit like that, doesn’t mean you have to make an effort to recreate the Congo environment while driving the bus.. TURN THE FUCKING HEAT DOWN! Dear Dan, you’re a fag. Sorry I never ripped on you when you were EIC.
To the fucking moron who admitted smoking weed in the Pendulum section of the Daily Targum, what the fuck is wrong with you? I mean weed is cool... I smoke it all the time myself, but don’t admit it to a journalist who will publish it in a newspaper. You are a fucking fuck! Companies can put your name in the internet and that article can come up. I hope you get turn down for all the jobs you apply for because of it you idiot. Stick that in your fucking pipe and smoke it. (Yeah that kid was really fucking stupid.) To the stupid fuck on the second floor of mettler! FUCK YOU..you suck at comperative politics!! i rocked you on that test! or it could just be that our teacher sucks bc he is a stupid fuck. WHO THE HELL CARES IF WE GO TO THE BATHROOM?!?! when you gotta go you gotta go. He’s probably just mad bc he has no hair. what an ugly fuck. To the gross bastard in the bathroom: don’t ask me if you’re cute while I’m brushing my teeth. What do you expect me to say? No, you’re not cute, I just saw you rinsing your hair with sink water. You obviously don’t live in the building so leave me the fuck alone To my “city in Australia” RA, I didn’t like the flavors at the ice cream social, so I had your boyfriend instead. He was delicious. Oh, and I’m a dude. (Epic homo-win.) I hate black religions (the class and the actual thing)!
Wednesday, Clocktober 28th, 2009
“I leave my computer turned on and think no one’ll fuck with my page!”
You Better Remember: SNICK
10/28 @ Rutgers - If you’re reading this then you are in fact, holding a copy of The Medium, which will be soon overtaking The Daily Targum in a battle of wits on Rutgers Jeopardy. Coming in a close third with $4,999 was the engineering frat. 10/28 @ Planet Earth - South Park is on tonight. Or is it spelled Southpark? I never know. Hold on I’m gonna look it up...ok it’s South Park. Oh man you can watch any episode online. This is so cool. Holy crap you can watch the movie online too. Well I know what I’m doing today. 10/29@ Rutgers - Girls around campus go “Oh my god” as they realize that Halloween is only two days away and they haven’t perfected their Slutty (insert profession here) costume. Personally, I’d go with Slutty Racecar Driver, or maybe even Slutty Greek Goddess. ??/?? @ ?? - Every year I’ve been here, I’ve found someone’s ID card and/or wallet. Bus, ground, classroom, wherever, I’ve always found one each year. Instead of turning it in to some administrative building or lost and found or whatever and hoping the person gets their shit back, I have actively sought them out, and returned the card to them, no exceptions. I hope this year it happens.
Be A Better Man In Just 13 Easy Steps!
By Frozen Fish Contributing Writer
1. You’re the master of the world. Anything is yours for the grabbing or looking. You see a nice tit, you grab that shit, cuz it’s fucking yours. 2. When you see a thong, you must then ask yourself, “I wonder if the bra matches.” Find out by any means necessary. 3. Watch The History Channel. We made most of history, so know your fellow man. Maybe you’ll make history. 4. Know how to operate a gun. 5. Find something that resembles America, and have sex with it. This proves you own it, which means you’re a man. But have respect for it. You know, a little foreplay. 6. Watch either football or wrestling. Personally, you should watch both, but, I guess I’m just old school like that. 7. When you are with your friends and your girlfriend, you make sure everyone knows you own the bitch. You grab her, stick your tongue in her, slap her ass, show that you are number one. Sorry ladies, but it will be better for you in the long run. 8. Every real man must have a deep meditation on the manliest sex position. Stand up, tilted a little backwards, and bang a girl against a wall. A mega man (like me) will do it in mid-air, no support. 9. You can never admit you’re wrong. And if you have the slightest chance to belittle someone, seize it. You must show everyone that you are a better person. And if you mess up doing something, find and use any possible excuse. 10. N64 11.The main go-to clothing is flannel. 12. If a girl is giving you head, and she looks up into your eyes, make her gag. Seriously, that’s so awkward. 13. Don’t be a vegetarian. If you’re feeling weak, go eat some beef or play football. Here are a couple of situations and the proper manly response. You are playing basketball, and you air-ball a shot. You are laughed at. Your girlfriend leaves you. Your father disowns you. This all could have been avoided. All you have to do after you shoot is look at your hand and remark “Damn my hands are so sweaty from playing so damn hard.” You don’t even look at the shot, just your hands. Shake it off, and dunk on someone. You are at your house, your girlfriend calls you. Then, your friends call you and tell you there’s N64 to be played. What a predicament. Possibly open a rift in your relationship, or miss a night of memories with the guys. NO. THIS IS NOT A PREDICAMENT. Tell your girlfriend your family just died. Then don’t go to school the next day. Then never bring your girlfriend to your house again. Nothing bad can happen. It’ll be worth it.
Snick, aka, Sexy Nickelodeon, was the best thing about my Saturday nights for about 6 or 7 years. Forget about all this partying and weed and..and...rabbits..? I was sitting on my fat ass watching Primetime Nickelodeon programming and “staying up late.” For those who don’t remember, Nickelodeon used to become Nick at Nite past a certain time, and show hilarious re-runs of stuff like “I Love Lucy” where Lucille Ball sees how many strawberries she can shove in her mouth without getting horny for Cuban penis. Anyway, Nickelodeon got to go longer than normal on Saturday nights, and it was fucking tits, man. The real money sessions happened a few years after Snick started, when “All That”, “Ren and Stimpy”, and “Are You Afraid of the Dark” all aired together, on the same fucking night. While this line-up is like a freshmen’s wet-dream of “classic Nick” television, Snick was very underrated and pretty much scoffed at by everyone. I can guarantee that most of you didn’t watch Snick and didn’t watch the “classic” shows that you love to download off of DC++, but shit, at least you’re making up for lost time by watching them now. If you don’t remember SNICK then you’re a blah blah etc witty insult.
Shit That Sucks: Cellphones
Cellphones are one of the stupidest fucking inventions on the face of the planet, maybe even other planets. Although the Sworkalax on Venus is really fucking awful too. I digress. Cellphones have gone from legitimate emergency items to stupid little computers that everyone on the planet has. Little shits that have applications on them that simulate a fucking Zippo lighter, instead of, you know, owning a Zippo, which actually has function. Maybe I’m not a true member of this generation or whatever, but these things are beyond stupid. The fact that anyone would pay more than fifty dollars for a phone is mind-boggling. And for the actual phone to have service, you need to pay like fifty dollars a month? What is this shit? You know what fifty dollars buys, right? Fifty dollars can get you to N.Y. and back with a food stop and a museum trip. I would gladly spend one awesome day like that then have a phone that can tell me what song is playing on the radio (if I buy the application for like three dollars or whatever). The real problem is that everyone is attached at the hip to these things. People are lost without their cellphones, it’s absurd. Go a week without your phone. One week. You can’t. Because you’re stupid. No one knows how to do anything anymore either, because these phones have internet, and the internet has Wikipedia. Knowledge has been replaced with reference, and when the reference goes away, you’re fucked. Whatever, it doesn’t matter, go play Tetris.