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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
october 24h, 2012
Volume xliii Issue VII
VOTE NO TO POLITICAL STORIES
STRICT VOTER FRAUD LAWS PREVENT MINORITIES, OBAMA FROM VOTING BY CASTLETON SNOB EDITOR IN CHIEF
WASHINGTON DC—As laws meant to prevent voter fraud rise, a large percentage of minorities, including President Barack Obama, have found themselves unable to vote on November 6th. “I got this letter in the mail that my voting status was being challenged,” said Obama, a 51-year-old Washington D.C. resident. “I couldn’t believe they were messing with black folks again.” For Obama, a father of two, an electoral committee challenged his status after a list of local properties mistakenly identified his house as a vacant lot. “I’ve been living there for four years,” said Obama. “They didn’t even send someone by to check the address.” Thirty-three states have already passed laws meant to curb voter I.D. fraud. Some include requirements for a government issued, photo I.D which are not prevalent among students, the
Inside This Issue 1.......................News 2.......................News 3..................Features 4..........................Arts 5.................Opinions 6................Personals 7................Personals 8...............Back Page 9..............Obituaries
75¢ QUICKIES
Romney Gets All of His Racial Slurs Out Before Debate The governor reportedly spent his prep time yelling things like "jungle bunny," "coon," and "spade" at a mirror so he "wouldn't slip up on TV."
Ellen DeGeneres Still a Lesbian, Sources Say Rutgers Calls in National Guard to play Kent State in Homecoming Game ONE LESS VOTE FOR OBAMA Voter fraud laws exclude students, elderly, and executive leaders.
elderly, and minorities. “Do they really expect me to carry photo I.D.?” asked Obama. “I’m the President of the United States. If I spend an hour down at the DMV then the Middle East is literally going to explode.” Added Obama, “My pic-
ture is hanging in every DMV already.” At press time, the 44th pres"Not to be outdone, Obama ident had been turned away pulled out all the stops by playfrom the Arlington Department ing the flute in a bikini." of Motor Vehicles for being unable to provide his birth certifiHooker with cate.
ADULT EDUCATION
Student taking notes sums up entire basis of professor’s career in two sentences BY KCIG MANAGING EDITOR
HICKMAN 138—In a Thursday lecture, student Emilio Schmid was able to distill a 50 minute lecture about the professor’s body of research into two sentences, which were hastily scrawled over eight lines of college ruled notebook paper. The professor, who Schmid has nicknamed “Professor Moustache”, was lecturing on discoveries he has personally had a hand in researching over a 40 year career at the University. “I found it really challenging to simplify my research into a 50 minute presentation,” said Professor Moustache. “But hopefully I was able to, if only
Romney Impresses Debate Moderator with Fancy Baton Twirling
Sense of Irony Claims Turf on Handy Street
"The area around Seamen Street was getting pretty messy."
very briefly, communicate the Student Carving profound implications of the Words into Liprojects I have been involved in brary Desk Exover the years.” The two-sentence summary presses Political contained 18 words in total, 4 of which were abbreviations. The Views, Love of rest of the page of notebook paper was filled in with song lyrics Penises surrounded by scribbles. Still Dr. Moustache continued, Sophomore “I hope I was able to inspire all Hasn't Erased Oriof you taking my class by showing you the path I took in my life entation Leader's as you grow and discover your Phone Number own goals while in college,” as Schmid simultaneously browsed "I'm not sure yet," said SEBS the internet on his smartphone. Sophomore, Michael Stein. “I can’t believe I didn’t fall "Maybe I'll need it some day." asleep” said Schmid in a text Stein is also still Facebook message to a friend. friends with his Orientation roommate.
Phat like a sandwich ESTABLISHED 1970