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Volume XLVIII Issue V
October 15TH, 2014
VATICAN CITY DECLARED NEW GAY CAPITAL OF WORLD
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BY ANIME HAIR NEWS EDITOR
VATICAN CITY—Pope Francis shocked the Catholic community this past Monday by announcing that Vatican City now openly welcomes homosexuals. The announcement followed an admission by the Catholic bishops that gays and lesbians are “technically human beings” and “don’t actually ruin everything.” Many gay, lesbian and trans* denizens from surrounding countries soon flocked to the city gates in search of a new home. Citizens from Vatican City "DO UNTO YOUR NUBILE NEIGHBOR...WHATEVER FEELS GOOD" were initially wary of their new Can you believe I did no Photoshop work on this picture? Thanks, Bing! neighbors. As Sonny Paolo, 8, describes, “I was-a not so sure interviewed also reported that priests. “Oh yes,” said nine year old about-a dah gays. But then I re- once they learnt was exactly a member: Father Cazzo. He was- homosexual was, they could Michael Armento, a choirboy, a gay!” Paolo is not alone in his immediately connect the con- “the priests, they-a definitely new acceptance; most altar boys cept to their respective pederast Continued on Page 2
THE SHAW SHOOTER REDEMPTION
Missouri Cops Continue Team Killspree BY THE BUS KID STAFF WRITER
ST. LOUIS—Following the shooting and murder of another black teenager, Vonderrit Myers, Jr. by Officer Kent Ronalds, several claims have started to come to light. Ronalds affirms that the victim was a gun-toting thug, while many state that the young black male was only holding a sandwich in his hands and dressed in unintimidating clothing. In an exclusive interview with the Medium, Ronalds tells of his own depiction of how the “HOLY SMOKES, HE REALLY TOOK DOWN A MECH SUIT!” incident occurred. The officer who shot Myers expressed expectations of being lauded as “On the night of October a hero. How could he even tell the kid was black in that suit? 9th,” Ronalds recalled, “I was patrolling around the blocks, draw their weapon, I was able to sloppily fashion at the ceiling. and suddenly I see the suspect unload my entire clip and bring When asked to respond to charging out at me from a dark down the perpetrator in just a the comments of how the area alleyway. Now you have to un- few moments.” was actually very brightly lit, derstand, they called me the Ronalds brandished his Ronalds retorted, “Hold up, I ‘Longshot-Moneyshot’ at the 9mm firearm in front of the news forgot, I had my shades on. You Academy, so while most other crew before firing it in a rather officers would panic and not Continued on Page 2
Making "The Onion" Cry Since 1970
Coverage Inside! Tony Stark Builds Reactor in ARC Gym Bro Preaches Creatine-ism Even Libertarians don't Read Us! My Morning Jackoff is so Relaxing Vatican Accepts Reverend Camden Men's Self Defense Instructor: "Kick her in the Pussy!" Bynes Microchip Denies Responsibility for Tweets Couple goes to Rutgers Club for a Romantic Ambience to Argument Fraternities Resume Screening Porn in Scott Hall