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October 21st 2015
Volume XLX Issue VI 50¢ YOU CAN(NOT) DO IT
NEW BUSES ENCOURAGE STUDENTS TO NOT GIVE UP
BY RANDY BUTTERNUBS THERAPIST-IN-CHIEF
NEW BRUNSWICK—First Transit announced a new addition to the Rutgers busing system, as all campus shuttles will now leave students with encouraging messages over intercom. Popular opinion surrounding the buses is perpetually negative, with many students dreading every second of their commute to class. Relatively recent developments, such as the laying off of galactically-loved bus driver Stan and the addition of the weird white buses that make no fucking sense, have not mitigated the issue of general student body disapproval. First Transit has thus come up with a solution to raise student morale and their opinion of the buses, hopefully keeping them from drawing pornography on the back of seats. The intercom, which would normally announce at each
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"...IT'S TRUE!" The scrolling LED banners inside the buses will occasionally support you with lyrics from the most incredible songs of your middle school years.
stop the next destination in the route, will now be replaced with a soothing voice which encourages students to continue with their studies and dreams. Some of the preprogrammed phases include, “Your grades don’t define who you are,” “Everything will work out,” and “You should really call your parents. They still love you.”
There will also be a second set of encouraging phases for all buses en route to Douglass, which will repeatedly say, “Don’t worry. You’ll be going back before you know it.” While the Douglass version of the messages was welcomed by the students, the announcements have been Continued on Page 2
NOT A CROOK
Barchi Administration Under Fire in Gate-Gate Scandal BY SAWYER CLUE EDITOR
NEW BRUNSWICK— Members of the Barchi administration have been accused in claims that they funneled funds from the restoration of the Gates around Queen's College campus to balance the ledgers on multiple over-budget Devco construction projects on campus. The Gate from the Class of 1902 is best known by students as the metal arch with a lamp seen on brochures. What many do not realize is that the photograph over-used by the admissions department was taken thirty years ago and that
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the Gate has become "totally shit-rotten inside right now." The Board of Governors approved a motion three years ago to restore the historic
landmark, but higher-profile projects have taken priority. Reappropriation of funds initially assigned to the Gate's restoration Continued on Page A7
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