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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themediumonline.com
JANUARY 26th, 2011
Volume xli Issue xiii
50¢
YOUR RIGHT TO PARTY
NEWS QUICKIES
Elton John gives birth to Hugh Heffner's future wife "It can breast feed itself quite well!" beamed new father Sir Elton John.
Professor finds success texting lectures in lieu of speaking PPL, PLZ RD CPTR 7 2NITE MKAY? R U LSTN'NG 2 ME?!
McCormick cuts RU budget in half with scissors "Well, it was worth a try," McCormick said as he picked up the copy of the cut budget and threw it out the window.
State Theater states that NJ is the official state of the stately State Theater
REPUBLICANS DOMINATE PARTY Occupy every seat in the house
BY COMMANDO UNITED STATES NEWS EDITOR
MINE STREET—It was one of the few instances where babies and fetuses were the prolife of the party. A house on Mine Street became host to an inordinate number of hard core republicans during a party last Friday night. “I wasn’t expecting the Republicans would take over,” said Tyler Peterson, one of the home's occupants. “They had every seat in the house.” Numbers grew to approximately 100 registered republicans and 32 who were too lazy to register but who identified as a republican because they took an online exam which told them so. When the party organizers attempted to place a cap on the number of people in the house,
PARTY
Continued on Back
DUNKINOMICS
A scene from the floor of the house last Friday night. Because of the shockingly overwhelming republican majority, party goers decided to impose term limits on house chairs, believing it to be a fair distribution ensuring the greatest good for the greatest number of people.
NEWS IN PICTURES
Dunkin' Donuts Co. MOUNTED PATROL HORSE bought with gift cards PROMOTED TO DETECTIVE BY THE KILLA WHALE STAFF WRITER
WOODBRIDGE—Local coffee enthusiast, David Henderson, received an unexpected gift this past Christmas, total ownership of Dunkin’ Brands, Inc. Henderson received $7.8 million in Dunkin’ Donuts gift cards for Christmas last month which further added to other credit he had previously established with the popular donut and coffee retailer. Overall, through gift cards, coupon books, and one mysterious gift check, Henderson was able to find a loophole into purchasing the company, without even knowing it. Company executives are baffled by the stunning find this past week but they are willing to work with Henderson to make Dunkin’ Brands, Inc. an even greater success.
In an effort to connect with the company better, Henderson will be legally changing his name to Dave Swaminatham Ramalingalum. “I have no business background whatsoever, I’m a pizza delivery guy,” said Henderson. “But I know enough that I should be able to relate to the people I will be working with; it's all about blending in.” This is not the first time Henderson has been recognized for his obsession with Dunkin’ Donuts coffee as last spring he violated a building code in his neighborhood when he stacked hundreds of boxes full of gift cards across his front lawn. “I ran out of room in my house for them and I wanted to keep every single card,” said Henderson. “I plan on never paying for coffee again, so far so good.”
Officer Sugarlumps, a five year veteran of the RUPD Mounted Patrol Unit, was promoted to Detective in a ceremony last Friday. Sugarlumps recieved a hefty wage increase, including a signing bonus of ten pounds of hay.
The voices in your head like this paper too... ESTABLISHED 1970
THE MEDIUM
NEWS "Frankly, most of the people in this University are stupid..."
Wednesday, January 26th, 2011 TOURISM
SPECIAL DELIVERY
Oversized Pizza Feeds Entire African Nation WORLD'S LARGEST
PARKING DECK NEARS COMPLETION
BY SUM DUM JOO NEWS EDITOR
FREETOWN — United Nations convoy has delivered one 28” pizza to the front door of the Foreign Aid office in Sierra Leone’s capital, in an effort to help the war-torn country with difficulties in feeding its citizens. The pizza, which cost only eight dollars, came as part of a local pizzeria’s pre-grand opening promotion where gigantic pies were sold for cheap with no delivery charges. “It was certainly quite a deal,” said Deputy Secretary of Foreign Aid Daniel McGrath. “Its not even like we have to order the food products and make something for them. It was already cooked and ready to go.” The pizza offers eight slices that each measure over a foot from tip to crust. Aid workers diligently divided the eight slices into sections of sixteen,
BY TORGO VAN PELT STAFF WRITER
PIZZA: MORE POWERFUL THAN BONO Freetown resident celebrate the arrival of lunch. allowing more famine victims to get a slice. “I am grateful to America for delivering me this delicious treat,” said Ubuntu Magombe, a diamond miner. “Just one of these massive slices will feed my entire village for a week.
God Bless America!” Officials are looking into the possibility of sending more pizzas to the African nation, but are concerned about possible financial repercussions concerning rumors that the nation may ask for extra cheese.
LOOKS LIKE TARGET
Party ...continued from front the republican guests reportedly balked, calling the crowd control a "socialist mechanism." House-mate Kevin Noland, an independent, was hoping to politically persuade individuals into his bedroom, but ended up with an uneventful night. “No sex before marriage. God damn,” said Noland as he conceded defeat. Further sobering the urge to fuck was the fact that the house was crawling with pro-life republican babies. The party goers brought them to the house, considering them to be "gifts" that the hosts would appreciate. The festivities turned hostile at several points throughout the evening when the Republicans contested the party organizers' decision to charge people upon entering the house. It was the majority opinion that the charge would have been unnecessary had spending on liquor been kept under control. Neighbors reportedly called the authorities to complain about noise but police left only with two large money sacks.
Editorial Staff Spring 2011
F
Rutgers drops name from logo for edgy redesign
"I don't get it, and that's cool," says McCormick BY E.C. BLOODN'GUTS NEWS EDITOR
BUSCH CAMPUS—Sometimes a picture isn’t worth a thousand words. But it might be worth $50,000, which is what Rutgers paid to hire award winning graphic designer Pierre l'Efant to create a new logo, in which the “Rutgers University” name is entirely absent. The change comes on the heels of the redesign of the Starbucks logo, which also removed its name to further enhance consumers’ visual identification with the brand. Rutgers public relations staff felt it was time Rutgers University be about more than Rutgers University— that it become a brand experience. For many critics, however, that experience is one of confusion. “See the problem here is that you first need to recognize the picture, said marketing professor Douglass Carrol. "I don’t
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Senior Editor
Reven MacQueen John Bender Joey Threlfall Tim Swanson
You will soon be able to find this logo on every conceivable square inch of campus
know what this is a picture of. An explosion? A sharp projectile? Maybe something some jackass farted out on Microsoft Paint." President Richard McCormick was quick to defend the logo change. “I think that the more I don’t get it, the better it is. People are going to look at it and go ‘Wow, what the fuck is that? Rutgers is so much more than I can understand!” News Editors Kaitie Davis Jordan Gochman Features Editor Katie Russian Opinions Editor Amy DiMaria Arts Editor Kristen Cignavitch Personals Editor Carmella Luczak
DOWNTOWN — New Brunswick, city of tomorrow, city of the future is becoming a little bit brighter today with the announcement by the Mayor’s office that the latest and greatest project is near fruition: the tallest and largest parking structure on this planet. Mayor James Cahill, in between indictments, held a brief press conference announcing progress on the Gateway Parking Garage. “We originally wanted the Gateway Project to hold Condos and stores,” explained the Mayor, “But we realized, what’s the point? It won’t gain notoriety of any sort. But this will, being that it’s huger than any other parking garage. It will be 40 stories tall, and contain over 60,000 parking spaces. It will finally end parking troubles in this city for the low cost of $12 per hour.” That is not to say this will be expensive. “Final estimates put the project at $102 million,” added the mayor, “But we were able to afford it. All we had to do was cut public schools funding to the bone.” “Despite the sacrifices, this will be a boon to tourism in our city. People from all across the country, mainly small Midwestern towns, will flock to this garage to park in it. Souvenir opportunities will be immense, such as cigarette butts and used gum on the floor sold for $10. This will benefit other tourist spots in the city, such as Route 18 and The Targum offices.” Despite this incredible accomplishment the city will not rest on its laurels of destiny. Before being taken away by the State Police, Cahilll hinted at plans to build to the world’s largest C-Town on George Street.
ALSO IN THIS ISSUE: CHABAD SKYSCRAPER CONSTRUCTION UPDATE PAGE 9 Personals Editor What’s Shakin’ Editor Copyeditor Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche
Kenneth Brooks Shane Whelan Steve Troulis Abe Stanway Barbara Reed is back!!!!
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication, and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to the Constitution, which schedules all major political events on Tuesdays, thereby preventing The Medium from making fun of political stuff in a timely manner, since our printer deadline is Monday night,
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
THE MEDIUM
FEATURES “Quailman...to the rescue!”
The 5 Worst First Date Movies
By Russian Dictator Features Editor
Zodiac Killer Comes Out of Retirement
By the InShane-iac
By Frank Fusco
Astronomer Paul Kunkle was killed Friday, January 21st, 2011. He 5). Knocked Up was shot three times in the chest at Nothing gets the romance crankin’ point-blank range with a .38 caliber into full gear like watching a slimy, revolver a.k.a. Saturday Night Special. bloody baby emerge from a war- On Monday, January 24th, 2011, The torn vagina with your date. Guys, Medium received a large box containyou’re almost guaranteed not to ing a letter from the Zodiac Killer and be getting any afterwards. Alter- a bloody telescope. The letter said natively, if your girl shows no signs that Zodiof being sick to her stomach, she ac killed might be fawning for offspring in Kunkle, the near future. Be wary if she because claims to be on the pill, and look Kunkle out for any holes poked through was responsible your condom wrappers. for every4.) Vulgar one’s astrological Ah, yes, a Kevin Smith film! With sign being classics such as Clerks, Jay and Sichanged. lent Bob Strike Back, and Chasing Zodiac Amy, how could you go wrong with became Kevin Smith? Well, when you’re sitenraged ting there watching a party clown when he get gang raped by a father and his found out two mentally retarded sons, you he killed may start to re-evaluate your dethe wrong cision. Perhaps the one benefit of Amateur Sketch of the Killer people, watching Vulgar, however, is that it because he has a reputation to upcan be used as a test. If your date hold. Since his victims are long dead, actually enjoys the film, you’ll know he could not correct his mistakes, but right off the bat that they are a sick he is sorry for any inconvenience. fuck. Zodiac has decided to branch 3.) The Passion of the Christ out to other types of astrology. He told me Chinese astrology is based Self explanatory. on the year a person is born. For example, everyone born in 1992 2.) Kids is a Horse. So, when he kills the When pedophiles make films for next round of people, some “Plupedophiles, what do you get? An- to is not a planet” asshole can’t go other mood-killer. A hideous kid getting everyone’s sign changed who looks like an emaciated rab- again, thereby fucking up his kills. bit with a tiki head unknowingly How do I know all of this? The spreads AIDS to half the 12-year- delivery man was Zodiac! I was to be olds in New York City. Next! his first new kill; however, I did not give up my birthday even though he 1.) Teeth tortured me. Since he was not my Alright...here it is...the official Facebook friend, he could not check worst movie to bring your date to there either (it’s this weekend). He is “Teeth,” and I know this from left me bloody and battered, but alive. experience. Yeah, that’s right, some I last saw him getting on the A Bus; dweeb actually took me to see this. he was heading to Busch. He’s a In case you haven’t heard of this fan of the Medium and had read the femi-nazi piece of shit, it’s about a past issue that had the campus map girl whose vagina (also known as designating Busch as Little China. the “Vagina Dentata”) has a set of teeth, and she knows how to use them. Consequently, you will be seeing several bloody dick stumps throughout this film. To make matters worse, for some reason all the actors are FUCKING HIDEOUS! Must be because the thing was made in Canada, I guess. After this one, girls won’t be getting it in for a while, as your date will most likely run from your vagina in terror.
The Magic Number 11 If you’re still driving a car that takes 20 minutes to heat up after a snow storm then it’s about time you scrap it for something new. Folks, it’s the year 2011 so buy a car with modern fuel injection technology and keep up with the times! The year 2011 is the most anticipated year since 1999 because back then civilization only had one more year to exist. Now, it seems we’re counting down again. That doesn’t mean we should stop having a jolly good time now, right? My winter break was amazing and I hope all my fellow Knights had a good time too. Here are the top 11 moments of my winter break. 1. Christmas Eve There’s nothing better than an open-bar holiday work party all afternoon followed up by National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. 2. Christmas Day I got presents. I’m 22 and I still got mad gifts. Be jealous. 3. Cabin Fever Why is this a top moment? Who the hell likes getting snowed in for two days with nothing to do but talk on AIM? Why is this on here? Edit this out, please. 4. Sober Eve Since I was such an alcoholic this past year I decided that I would spend New Year’s Eve sober. Note to self: Toasting at midnight with chocolate milk is awkward. 5. Ice Fishing FAIL.
6. “I lift things up and put them down.” I joined a gym because I want to look like that Italian guy I saw last summer at Seaside. His name was Mike or something… 7. Times Square Did you know there are three different Irish pubs located off 45th and 8th? We were “those guys” on the train home. 8. The Miz is Still Awesome! Yeah, I’m talking about prowrestling. Yes, I still watch it. No, I’m not 12; I just told you I’m 22. Shut up. I hate you. 9. Shepherd’s Pie To quote a friend, “That’s what I imagine colon cancer to look like.” 10. 1:37 p.m. You just don’t wake up to that during the fall or spring. 11. The Scavenger Hunt Witnessed my two best male friends buy condoms holding hands, completed an upper decker (urbandictionary.com), went through a KFC drive-thru in an invisible car, paged Seymour Butts, played leap-frog in Wal-Mart, dialed 411 asking for Adolf Hitler, paid for a Mega Millions ticket with Monopoly money, and escaped a possible arrest. And we only came in fourth place??? Seriously, they should’ve given us 50 points just for having the car searched by the cops. -The In-Shane-iak
Medium Words of the Week Hit-and-Run: Finding a girl, banging her, then leaving the party
for another one without any hesitation whatsoever. Friend-in-law: The friend of a friend you would never have hung out with before, had your mutual friend never introduced you. The Frat Pack: A group of 12 or more bros that occupy multiple contiguous tables at a given dining hall.
Sexy McCormick Photo of the Week ;)
Cute Thing of the Week
Submit to features@themediumonline.com
THE MEDIUM
OP/ED “It’s real hot in this closet.”
SPIRITUAL HELP WITH DUNGUS MULLOY Nursing a broken heart? Coping with loss? I’m here to talk. Life is a journey. And along this journey, you will be confronted with many hardships and perils. You’ll be forced to lose many of the good things you once had. But, children, to make it through this roller coaster called life, we must remember one thing: everything that is good sucks. Let’s consider the things that are good— love, happiness, and Batman. Love: We all want it. It’s the closest thing to heaven we have, and it’s undoubtedly the reason we exist. When you find it, you’re set for life. But the problem is you never get to keep it. No one wants to stay with you, because you’re “unstable and emotionally vacant.” And after you lose love, you’ll never find it again. Happiness: Now, happiness is dif-
Wednesday, January, 26th 2011
ferent from love, because it doesn’t involve another person. And that’s the problem— what’s the point of being happy if you’re alone? What are you going to do, sit around and eat ice cream all day? If you want to be truly happy, you need to share your happiness with other people. But no one wants to share happiness with you, because you’re weird and sport a Jew Fro. Batman: Batman is the one thing in this world that we can all look up to. He’s valiant, he knows right from wrong, and he always wins. Ladies love him, and he’s got cool cars and a fun butler with a mustache. He’s the pinnacle of humanity. We should all be a little bit more like Batman. I guess Batman doesn’t suck. Still, if you find yourself in the Slough of Despond, just remember, you might as well stay down there, because mostly everything sucks anyway. So, there ya go. Stay Warm. -Dungus Mulloy
Next week’s topic: Why dogs are not as good as us.
SUBMIT YOUR OPINIONS TO: OPINIONS@THEMEDIUMONLINE.COM IF YOU WRITE AN ARTICLE WE CAN MAKE YOU HAPPY. VERY HAPPY.
COMMENTARY No One Has Been Hurt By the Different Zodiac More Than Me BY THE ZODIAC KILLER A few weeks ago I was reading the newspaper and saw something I found disturbing. Some asshole astronomers in Minnesota decided we had been interpreting the zodiac signs wrong for years. Since then I‘ve been forced to hear endless complaints about it. It’s always some idiot who wants their zodiac tattoo removed or a girl grumbling that her new sign “doesn’t fit her personality.” People never stop to think about whose really being hurt in all this: me. I mean, I’m the freaking Zodiac Killer. My whole shtick is based on this thing and now it’s pointless. Do you think I killed those people randomly? No. I’m not Charles Manson – I have some class. I watched these people very carefully to learn their signs. Then I had to study astrology charts for fucking weeks to get the timing right. I bought a goddamn star chart. I defy any other serial killer to match my level of dedication. Anyone else who has put so much effort into a project can understand my level of frustration. It just isn’t fair, you know? I’ve had almost 45 years to gloat about getting away with my crimes and now they didn’t even matter. Maybe if anyone just bothered to translate my cryptic notes to the police someone could have realized that I was doing this whole thing wrong. If you think your life is hard because you’re “clearly not a Leo,” then just remember there’s someone out there who has it much worse.
POINT/COUNTERPOINT I’m Being Worked to Death
I’m Being Worked to Death
BY ALAN MCCOY I’ve been working at the Pierce & Pierce law firm for 15 years now. Now these 15 years have not been easy ones. Sometimes I haven’t gotten home to see my family until almost 5:30 at night. And I’ve taken all that in stride until my boss asked me to come in to work this Saturday. A damn Saturday. Of all the things that company could ask of me, they want me away from my condo on a Saturday. Do they think I’m a workhorse over there? There is only so much the human body can do from 9-4, five days a week. If it’s possible to work an employee to death, I will most certainly be the first to go. They can’t expect me to sit in that climate-controlled office all day. I’m a human being! I have rights! They’re slave drivers at Pierce & Pierce. I swear this job will be the death of me.
UNIVERSITY VOICES
The Medium asked everyone within a 50 foot radius on the first day of class “It was good. Kind of turned into like, a vision quest, you know? Like just days and days of just the most intensely deep thoughts emanating from the recesses of my mind.”
Dakota Hilburn SAS, Senior
BY LIU ZHANG When I started work in this factory I saw it as an amazing opportunity to make money for myself and my very poor family. Now I have come to see every day there as a day in hell. I work almost 90 hours every week and spend every one of those hours in the factory. The temperature is blazing hot and in the summer it becomes almost impossible to breathe. A man next to me once passed out from the heat. A guard picked him up and I have not seen him since. They promised me a place to live but it is a cramped dormitory with 100 other workers. They yell all night and it is impossible to sleep. Sometimes when we are too loud the guards will beat us with sticks or even their fists. All of this is to make cheap purses for WalMart. My hands are bloody from sewing in zippers all day. I swear this job will be the death of me.
: How was your winter break? “I finished the homework for the six 4-credit classes I’m taking so I can focus on extracurriculars and my 8 credits of research in the chem department. I also enjoyed spending quality time with my family.”
Kyle Wong School of Pharmacy, Senior
“Really taking Netflix to the cleaners. I don’t know how they can show me every episode of Dexter, Arrested Development, Spartacus AND G-Force, the Wizard of Oz, and Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs for only $7.99 a month!”
Melissa Haywood SAS, Junior
Wednesday, January 26th, 2009
THE MEDIUM
ARTS
“Italic. More italic. Even more italic.”
Spring Reading List
COMIC
BOOK REVIEW
The Great Gatsby
by
F. Scott Fitzgerald
I was home over winter break, and I was looking for something in my basement, and I happened upon my copy of The Great Gatsby that I stole from my high school. I remember reading the first half of it and it had really awesome description, symbolism, etc. Of all the books I had to read in high school, this was one of my favorites that I actually read a little of. I took a copy after we were done studying it on the off chance that I would finish it one day. This is definately a book that I will leave on my desk and think “hey, I should read that” when I look at it, until I clean off my desk and put it on the shelf.
The Bonfire
of the
Vanities
by
Tom Wolfe
I haven’t actually started reading this, but my friend told me “You have to read it, it’s my absolute favorite book.” What I can tell from the cover of the copy she lent me is that it involves several people who are standing near a limosuine next to a skyscraper. So I suppose the setting is in a city some time during the last century, since they didn’t have cars before about a century ago. I don’t like the font used on the cover for the title, but I might read it anyway.
MUSIC REVIEW A Song That I Heard The Other Day BY KCIG
KCIG
GRAFFITI
THE TAGS OF RUTGERS
I’m not sure what it’s called, but it goes like.. “Got the magic in me...” then something, and then like “Magic, magic, maaagic.” Those are the only words I know but it’s been stuck in my head since I heard it somewhere the other day. Goddamn, that song is so
catchy. The beat is just the most crazy awesome beat, and there’s a rap part, and I don’t really like rap, but hell, I love this song. Magic, magic magic... magic, magic, maaaaagic. Man, I gotta remember to look it up, it’s just like... the best. I can’t get it out of my head, not that I want to. Magic, magic, maaagic. I wanna keep singing it but, like, I don’t know the words. Love it.
THE MEDIUM
PERSONALS “Too sick to come up with funny comment. Try again next week. :-(”
HATERS GONNA HATE, FUCKERS GONNA FUCK I think its appropriate to say; I really hate yo ass right now. Dear future heart attack patient, take preventative actions to your personalities issues now before it is too late. Billions of taxpayers money can be well spend in other good causes. Hate to say this, but I hope you feel at least half as miserable as I do right now. (Actually, I do you fucktard. Reading your bullshit with the flu is making me fill more miserable than you could ever imagine.) U need to make your own friends. Its sad that u and her are always together cuz you have no one else to hang out with and u have the worst attitude wenever u are with us. (Yeah, I hate couples like that. Two socially inadequate people think that together they are the center of the social world but really they’re a clusterfuck of egotistical awkwardness.)
QUIT RIDIN’ MY ... BUS To the person who knocked the swedish fish out of my backpack on the EE: you are an evil merciless creature with no soul. I really wanted those swedish fish. (Five second rule, bro.) Hey EE and WE 1, WHAT THE FUCK! Your making it very difficult to get my Four Loko by removing the Davidson Liquors stop. Now I have to finish one before I get to Liberty St. Please bring it back. (Wow. That’s just so sad.) Hey you fucking asshole on the EE who knocked my hand and made me drop my phone. I was listening to that! When u made me drop my fucking phone my headphones fucking broke. Open up ur eyes u numbfuck! To the girl at the College Hall bus stop on C/D, you were so fucking cute with your big-ass drawing pads. You shoulda gone on the F w/me, you cunt Dear crying girl on the back of the LX: I hope you feel better Hey finals, fuck you! hey weekend bus schedule, fuck you! Fuck fuck fuckity fuck! I think I’ve been violated a hundred plus one ways on that crowded bus. Thanks for practically molesting me and possibly giving me an STI. All I wanted was to go to a study session with my friends, but noooo, apparently there’s a price to being a good student. FUCK YOU! To the guy on the LX today, you’re so attractive. PS. Your blue bracelet is nice.
RULES FOR LIFE
iReside
1. Don’t kick the baby. 2. Don’t smoke at the gas station. Really, don’t. 3. Don’t barbecue at the gas station. Really, do not. 4. Send personals to The Medium everyday!!!
To my neighbors who play the most emo music of life, it’s okay to turn the volume down while i’m napping, or try this new invention called head phones. your music mind fucks me more than inception.
personals@themediumonline For Print!! Online at ilovethepersonals.com FROM THE DESK OF DR. K. Hello Rutgers, So happy to be back as your left-side personals editor for Spring 2011. Well, I was until I started reading the shit you write. The website is not a place for your idiotic non-sequitors and bandana references. It is supposed to be a place for you to bitch about each other like this: “To the kid on my floor who didn’t know what The Medium was until the last week of last semester. Where the fuck have you been? We’ve been running shit for 41 years. Fuckin freshmen.” Anyway, if you couldn’t tell, I’m feeling rather sick today, but I am here putting this page together for you, so you better fuckin enjoy it. Keep reading until your eyes fall the fuck out. - Dr. K.
(When do they ever exist. People are ignorant and rude and don’t give a fuck about anyone but themselves and their own selfish pleasures. Buzzkill? Womp womp.) To my roommate; I am surprised you haven’t already figured out that no one likes you because you are a loud, inconsiderate asshole.
A-HOLES
Dear girl in the class, why are you so mad when I asked u something? I was just trying to be funny. (Clearly, you didn’t try hard enough.) To the guys in my war and peace in the us milt class last semester and this semester, the fact that you know miniscule history facts does not make up for your miniscule penis. Instead of trying to seduce the professor on a daily basis you should try to interact with a female. Courtesy note, if you’re sick, stay in your dorm or home. You’ll end up making noises in class.
To all the asswipes that insist on wearing apparel from other universities: do you really think that makes you look cool or something? FYI wearing a sweatshirt that says “Princeton” around here is the equivalent of stamping “douche” to your forehead. And to you x-Penn Staters–just GTF outta Jersey already. To all bitches and hoes at RU: STOP WEARING SWEATS WITH UGGS! Do you have any idea how ass ugly it looks? Like who invented uggs in the first place? And more so, wearing them with sweats? I hereby call for a school-wide ban of wearing uggs with sweats!
(Been there, done that. Also applies to work, and production time as well.) The library is not a student lounge you dipshits! Rutgers has been kind enough to provide you with multiple lounges, dining halls, spare classrooms with which to converse. STFU and let me fucking study. P.S. you are clearly a waste of life, so please do us all a favor, get the syph and drop out already. (Rutgers ... has been kind ... is that not an oxymoron?) To a cutie in my human ecology recitation, saw you at the gym today and you looked even cuter than you normally do. not sure what to do about you though, just keep lookin good - that girl you waved at
(Yeah. I hate inconsiderate fucks who think that everyone wants to hear their shit all hours of the day. It kills me when everyone on the hall has music blasting. What’s the fuckin point?) Apparently the people and the RA on my side of the dorm don’t know how to shut up even when it’s supposed to be 24 hour quiet hours. Quiet hours don’t exist in my dorm. EVER.
HOLLER, SCHOLARS!!!
(Stalker status...)
Wednesday, January 26, 2010
To the midget girl that is always opera singing at the bus stop: please shut the fuck up. your attempts at trying to sound like a large black woman from a gospel choir are a complete failure. you sound like an old woman that’s been chain-smoking all her life. so spare us all and just stop. Stupid motherfucker on the back of the F-Bus. The bus is crowded, why do you have your bookbag in one seat and your books in one seat. I’m mad first of all that you would take up even one seat, but then on top of that, the whole point of the bookbag is to put the books inside... what is wrong with you? (I mean, you probably coulda asked to sit down, but that is pretty rude and stupid. Meh.)
To the asian bitches on the third floor, stop looking at me like my laundry bag is filled with fried rice or i’ll slap you harder than your parents do. (Wow. You’re so fuckin’ racist.) To the girl in Brett Hall who straightened her hair once more, keep doing it. You won’t. No balls, no balls. (No ovaries, no ovaries) (OMG. Thank god, I’m almost finished. I feel like the mucous in my head is trying to push out of my skull. Fuckin’ sinus headache.) To the guys who play got it in Brett. STFU. everyone can hear that you won your stupid card game. Now please go out on friday and saturday night instead of playing cards in the lounge. (Yeah. They should definitely go out and be slutty horny alcoholics like you do wearing miniskirts or T-Shirts in subzero weather.) To my mom, Thanks for getting me my vibrator for christmas. You showed it to me in orgo today and I cannot wait to keep you and all of our suitemates up all hours of the night while i am smushing with myself. To the fuckers who run up and down the hallway all day for no apparent reason... The hallway is but so long - why the fuck do you have to run through sounding like a fuckin’ rabid and crazy horse? You make me want to throw things out of my door and strike you in the head. Fuck Help im trapped in a tiny text box!!!
THE MEDIUM
PERSONALS
Wednesday, January 26th, 2011
“Stay the fuck out of my Gmail inbox.” JUST....PEOPLE THIS FIRST PERSONAL IS ABOUT YOU. I hope you feel awkward. Haha :P I’m not a bitch though, so this will be all. Take care and please stop acting all weird. It freaks me out. In other words; We cool. To the guy who literally knocked me out of the EE bus on Friday morning; I hope you fall into a mountain of snow and die. Hipsters on the road, what the hell are you doing trying to take a pic in the middle of the road? (Being avant garde.) To the dude sitting with his gf in the DCC - I felt so bad for you the other day at lunch bro. There is seriously nothing worse than having to hear your bitch blab on and on about shit you don’t care about. Maybe she’ll shut up when she’s got your cock in her mouth. (Yeah, because girls who can actually hold an intelligent conversation are so annoying, bro. You’re probably just jealz.) To my roommates boyfriend... your ignorance never ceases to amaze me. You’re so fucking dumb! You literally argued for 20 minutes over pizza... seriously you need to shut up and stop disturbing our neighbors via skype. I hope you get kidnapped and raped by drug cartels in Mexico. To the Blipster I almost hit with my car on Saturday night; Sorry ‘bout that :/ To the Blue haired fucker I dont know who gave you the idea to dye your hair that vibrant ass, x-14 toilet cleaner blue shit which you dunked your damn head in. It looks fuckin absurd. And to the rest of your posse, with the other colors of the rainbow, please die you circle jerking fucking faggots. You all definitely belong in Mason Gross. To the girl who said to her friend that hope is for delusional kids who have cancer; I think you are amazing. To all of you who use ilovethepersonals.com to confess your love; Please stop. Its just really pathetic and creepy as fuck.
MOAR BITCHIN’
I DON’T ASK ANYMORE
To the dumb fuck who tried to take my tray of food to the garbage disposal in Neilson dining hall: There was clearly food that I was eating left on that fucking tray, and the minute I leave my shit to walk around, I almost lost it because of your stupidity. If I hadn’t saved it the last minute, I would have lost my dinner, and I would spend the rest of the year making your life a hellhole. Do your goddamn job right and let ME put MY own food in the garbage. DUMB FUCK!!!!! (Oh I highly doubt that you could make their life worse...) To the girl driving the red hummer from RU on I-95 N. It was funny watching you weave in and out of traffic just to get infront of me even though it never happened and you always did end up right behind me. From the Black 4runner who eventually dusted you. :) (No one cares about cars. They really don’t. STFU.)
To the brunette girl I shared a stair with on the H bus Monday night leaving Busch; I’ve seen you in mech. prop. class, you are super fucking sexy. if I didnt have a girlfriend I would totally fuck you real hard. you look innocent and unassuming but I know you would love to get the dick. (That’s romantic.) Just one question: What’s Jodore doing with all these krogan?
Thanks for giving me my first stress-related asthma attack. My permanenty decreased lung capacity thanks you. At the bus stop I felt like I was in Heath Leger’s tomb I was so surrounded by his glowering face. Thanks movie night posters! -.To the guy who bought me a soda on tues morning in the Busch SERC when the machine would’nt take my money, you are awesome! Thanks To the 2 douchebags in my ecology recitation class; do us all (and yourselves) a favor and SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!! I can’t hear a goddamn word the professor says when she answers my questions because you talk so fucking loud! No one wants to hear about your faggot friends on twitter, so stop talking or I’ll beat the shit out of you. Either shut the hell up and stop interrupting the professor and the rest of the damn class, or don’t come to class anymore. (So much hate and anger. I like it.) I know what you’re thinkin’ punk. Did I...?
Let me tell you what it’s all about. It’s called money dependence today if people keep going on looking at the dollar bill and nothing else around them. No love, and no friendship nothing else, just a dollar bill going on into de pockette. Into de bank account. And there’s too much of heaven bringing them underground. To the girl I met at the house party a few weeks ago. You have no idea how wonderful I know you are. That being said you are an idiot. Why? Because you let me get away. – Oliver Klozoff, btw told you I write for the Medium. (...uh...I am writing in the paper right now -JChallenger)
From the very confused mind of Spicy Caramel
I have been known to give good advice. I guess that just comes from the fact that I am full of INFINITE WISDOM. Or, based on the fact that I normally give advice to several of my hairy little cousins and/or bitchy sister. So here is some advice to you retards; -Never, under any circumstances blow your nose on your shirt. I have seen people do this ALL OF THE TIME AND ITS NASTY. Use notebook paper if you are that desparate. Even though its scratchy. -Do not mix wine with hard alcohol. You will most likely throw up instantly. No one thinks the chick who keeps barfing and passing out at the party is sexy. Its just sad and really, really gross. Unless you like the sloppy, drunk types. -Do not use all natural soap with cinnamon flakes to bathe. It burns. Not to mention in all the places you never want to burn. -Do not cry while talking to an academic advisor. No one at Rutgers cares about your feelings. CLASSES
LOLLERCOASTER
To my “friend” who thinks it’s funny to tell random strangers that I have STD’s when we’re out, Watch your back. Also don’t count me in your vagina posse anymore. (Haha. I don’t why this is so funny, but it is :D ) To the adorable gentlemen in my History class...you will learn the Grippaldi’s true power! WINFIELD SCOTT (OG FUSS AND FEATHERS MOTHAFUCKA)
I would like to go home to my fire ant infested hometown but I’m stuck here with you assholes, so send me shit! personals@themediumonline. com. You stand a better chance of your lovely words gracing this page than with the damn website. Seriously.
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WHAT’S SHAKIN’
Wednesday, January 26th, 2011
“Look ma, I did it!”
STUDENT OF THE WEEK NAME: Jeff Leidner YEAR: Junior-ish MAJOR: Trumpet Stuff JOB: Blacksmith RESIDES: Home BEER: “Beer!” FOOD: Chick-Fil-A SPORTS: Ice hockey, roller hockey, street hockey, X-Box hockey. INTERESTS: Fire, penguins, lifting things up, putting things down, philosophy, cookies.
GETTING TO KNOW HIM Jeff, 21, has been a student at Rutgers University since 2009 and was accepted into Mason Gross to play his trumpet. When he’s not practicing his flats and sharps, Jeff can be found at his local gym where he is known for his incredibly pale skin. Do not stare into his eyes or their icy, blue hue will tempt you to start a new life as an Eskimo in Alaska and/or lure you into bed with him. Jeff does not have herpes.
This is what I had for lunch today. It was one of the best sandwiches I’ve ever had in my life. I ate the fuck out of it.
Reign of Shane For those of you skanks who don’t know me, allow me to reintroduce myself… My name is Shane but you can call me the Killa Whale, the InShane-iak, and Consuelo if we’re anywhere south of the border. To tell you a little about myself, I come from a family of hamster farmers. I strongly believe in Jameson, The United States of America, intelligent design, Madden NFL ‘11, garage rock, and jumbo fried shrimp from Red Lobster. This semester my goal is to revitalize the What’s Shakin’ page and add some awesome to it. One thing you should have noticed by now is the picture of the ginger to the left of the page and his biography. Every week, I will be featuring a real student at Rutgers as part of my new initiative to create more campus celebrities (sorry, RBK). If you’re lucky enough to catch me on College Ave on a Monday or Wednesday afternoon, then you too may have a chance to be featured here. In addition, expect to see more puzzles, games, and event coverage as I work towards making the back page—the new front page. Well, probably not but it’s connected to it on the same piece of a paper.
Masturbating in the shower clogs the drain. Send me something.
events@themediumonline.com
What’s Up?
Nothing Much.
Google @ Rutgers: Panel & Networking Event Feeling lucky?
Apparently Rutgers has a Google club or program or something. Searching for your class in Lucy Stone? Maybe this event will help you. Time: Thursday, 7:30 PM Place: Livingston Student Center
NJ Comedy Festival: Statewide Finals LOL
THE MEDIUM THE MEDIUM WANTS YOU!!!!!!WANTS YOU!!!!!!
THE MEDIUM WANTS YOU!!!!!!
COME TO A MEETING TONIGHT! COME TO A MEETING TONIGHT! LOCATED IN ROOM 41O LOCATED IN ROOM 41O OF THE COLLEGE AVE OF THE COLLEGE AVE STUDENT CENTER STUDENT CENTER 8:00 PM, BITCHES 8:00 PM, BITCHES
I like to laugh because laughing makes me feel like my life doesn’t suck. If I didn’t work 40 hours a week I’d probably want to check this out. Time: Saturday, Noon to 6 PM Place: Livingston Student Center
In Loving Memory of Jack LaLanne (1839 - 2011)
COME TO A MEETING TONIGHT! FREE DILDOS. FREE MEDIUM DILDOS. THE THE MEDIUM LOCATED IN ROOM 41O WANTS OF YOU!!!!!! WANTS YOU!!!!!! THE COLLEGE AVE STUDENT CENTER COME TO A MEETING TONIGHT! COME TO A MEETING TONIGHT! LOCATED IN ROOM 41O 8:00 PM,LOCATED BITCHES IN ROOM 41O OF THE COLLEGE AVE STUDENT CENTER 8:00 PM, BITCHES FREE FREE DILDOS.
OF THE COLLEGE AVE STUDENT CENTER DILDOS. 8:00 PM, BITCHES FREE DILDOS.
My full body spandex workout jumper will never feel the same