This paper may not be suitable for persons under 18.
Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
50¢
JANUARY 25, 2012
Volume xliI Issue XIV
BECKY, LOOK AT HER BUTT
STUDENTS BLACK OUT AT PARTY IN WIDESPREAD PROTEST OF SOPA
BY SUM DUM JOO HEAD WRITER
NEW BRUNSWICK-With digital piracy and the future of the internet stretching far beyond the Banks, the protests against the Stop Online Piracy Act on the campuses of Rutgers University seemed few and far between. On January 18th, that all seemed to change. “I was trying to do research for my Honors Thesis, so I inevitably turned to Wikipedia,” said senior Russ Finegold. “But I saw that it was blacked out and I couldn’t get to it. So, I decided to procrastinate and visit icanhazCheezburger.com. That was blacked out too. Every good site on the internet had been shut down in protest of this law.” However, no internet blackout could stop Finegold from thinking on his feet. When he
could be seen wandering the streets in an intoxicated haze, protesting the merits of SOPA and its sister bill, the PROTECT IP Act, or PIPA. “The internet… is bad (hic),” said one student who wished to remain anonymous because he had forgotten his own name. “We must stop all… internet from fuckin… fuck. Wait, what?” After many hours and many bottles of Burnett’s Hot Cinnamon Candy Vodka, supporters of both bills in the House and 'DAT ASS Senate withdrew the bills for reTattoo courtesy of cheap booze and a hepatitis needle. consideration in committee. realized that this stoppage of stretched far and wide from FiThe apparent victory over cyberspace had further implica- negold’s house on Louis Street the bills resonated throughout tions, he took matters into his to the Quads on Livingston as New Brunswick. own hands. students took to the liquor stores “We won the shit! Yessssss! “The next words out of my and drank themselves silly in a We did it! We- blargghhhhhh,” mouth were ‘Fuck this, I’m get- show of support to their inter- said Finegold as he vomited into ting drunk.’” net comrades. Within hours of the bushes of the Delta Gamma Indeed, this sentiment the blackout starting, students house.
VILLAINY
McCormick's evil motives revealed following vaporization of Murray Hall
BY PROBABLY DRUNK OPINIONS EDITOR
COLLEGE AVE-In an unbelievable turn of events, outgoing Rutgers President Richard McCormick has unveiled to the world that he is, and always has been, an evil villain from a distant planet whose sole purpose is the destruction of the Rutgers English Department. Standing atop the smoldering ruins of what was once Murray Hall, McCormick, or "El Presidente Diablo," as he now COOL GUYS DON'T LOOK AT EXPLOSIONS prefers to be called, addressed McCormick walks away from the wreckage with pure swag. the semi-interested crowd of I smite thou classrooms and set Olde English accent, the morose English majors who observed aflame thou texts and scrolls! Ye student onlookers shrugged disthe chaos merely to reflect on the fools hath mocked me for the missively and continued smokironic context of the situation last time. Bow, bow before my ing their Parliaments. and scoff at the drastic character insidious might!" One witness commented, development of El Presidente Pondering the implications "It's really a testament to the Diablo. of an American villain with a downfall of postmodernism. "Muahahahaha," began El Spanish name speaking in an Presidente Diablo, "Behold! As Continued on Page 2
Rutgers needs more Latinas ESTABLISHED 1970
QUICKIES
Local Mexican Restaurant Owner thinks his sopa is just fine "I just don't understand all this opposition to sopa!" said local taqueria owner Don Rodriguez, regarding his sopa de lima. "It's just a Mexican dish that I've gotten good reviews for; now everyone thinks it's going to uproot American cultural values!"
Occupy South Bound Brook lacks humor of previous occupy jokes I mean, seriously, we're running this shit in the ground, just like we did with Batman, bros, and bailouts. Please peo... whoa, a credit union for Ukrainians??