THE
The Entertainment Weekly of Rutgers University
MEDIUM
Wednesday, September 30 , 1998 Volume XXX Number 2 “Cookie Monster waits to drown.” -M. Doughty
Just another wild night at the White House
EDITORIALS
Wednesday September 30, 1998
These are the last words I will write about the Clinton sex scandal. Ever. I am sick and tired of hearing about it, reading about it, talking about it, seeing it, dreaming about it, etc.. Let’s get to the heart of the issue without any of the b.s. that the politicians and the media have surrounded it with; President William Blythe Jefferson Clinton had his dick sucked. In the Oval Office. Good for him. The world’s economies are collapsing. War rages in all corners of the globe. Terrorism ravages our homeland. Children are starving in our own backyard. All The Congress of the United States cares about is a blow – job. Is this right? Our nation’s leaders are fixated with the sex life of another man. In any other case this would be deemed perversion, but now the hypocrites in Washington label it morality. Instead of striving to cure our nation’s ills and reestablish its presence in the rest of the world, they are baying for blood because a man other than themselves was pleasured orally. My main question is, “Who are they to dictate morality?” One of the President’s most vocal critics, and self- proclaimed moral advocate, has just admitted fathering a bastard. Hypocrisy? Newt Gingrich, the Republican leader of this embarrassing farce, divorced his wife while she was in the hospital and near death because of cancer. Morality! Every politician who is calling for the President’s resignation or impeachment should be made to disclose, under oath, whether they have ever acted, “sexually immoral,” and have their testimony (or confession as I have the suspicion it may
BLOWJOB!
be in many cases) played on national television. I know I look to the government when I want moral guidance. Kenneth Starr, that bastion of moral fortitude, should be prosecuted for abuse of power, defamation of character, and just generally being an asshole. He was hired, by us, the American people, to investigate misuse of power by the Governor of Arkansas in a land deal called, “Whitewater.” The word, “Whitewater,” does not appear once in the Starr report. Instead, we have the jerk – off fantasies of a slightly overweight, middle –aged, lawyer spelled out in graphic, if slightly technical, terms. Kenneth Starr is being paid obscene amounts of money FOR NOT DOING HIS JOB! Now Republicans, who are generally the biggest critics of government waste, are patting him on the back – for not doing what the government paid him to do. Hypocrisy? I DON’T CARE. And, if the plethora of polls taken recently can be believed, neither does the nation. In the American system, the representatives, elected by the People, are supposed to carry out the will of the People in Washington. Instead, the sniveling scum suckers on Capitol Hill who live off of our hard earned tax dollars, are following their own petty, pathetic partisan politics. The American system at work! What’s just as bad is the way the Democrats are not only abandoning their constituents, but abandoning their President as well. Instead of
listening to what the People and honor say, they’re only concerned about their next election will be like, and if some pathetic, mud – slinging challenger can say, “You stood with Clinton, you must have been orally pleasured too!” I hope when I’m in a jam I can count on my friends just like Bill. I’m not saying what President Clinton did wasn’t wrong. What I am saying is that this should never have come up in the first place. If anything did surface on its own, then it would only be a matter for the President and his family. The wrongs (I prefer the word “crimes”) committed by Kenneth Starr far outweigh anything done by President Clinton, and the actions of our elected leaders in this situation are a travesty (and a crime?) in and of themselves. I feel it is our duty as Americans to simply ignore what the pigs in Washington and the pigs in the newsrooms are feeding us. If we do this they might, just might, get the idea that they’re supposed to be doing the jobs we elected (and pay them) to do. I doubt it though. I saved the free world, Adam S. and I got my gimpy Makevich, dick sucked! Editor-inChief
By Eric Lister
i these people together, that makes them more powerful than anything that mankind has ever known, is that they’re all on a little piece of paper. A little green piece of paper that comes in denominations of 1, 5, 10, 20, 50, and 100, which consequently controls the world of man itself (I hope this doesn’t mean that this is going to be another article bashing the Jews- Ops. Ed). I mean, really, how can we expect to worship a God that created the universe when we can worship a little, green piece of paper? A little piece of paper that you can trade in for cool stuff. Like cars (and whores! – Ops. Ed). Or bicycles. Or even food (Or whores! – Ops. Ed.) . When was the last time that God ever treated you to a nice, cold six pack and a large, pepperoni pizza? (you get to talk to God and you all you want is an order from Pizza City and
Page 2 Page 3 Page 4 Page 5 Page 6 Page 7
Editorials Page 8 Opinions Page 9 News Page 10 News Page 11 Features Page 12 Features Cover by: Three Tired People
Arts Personals Personals Personals What’s Shakin’
MEDIUM
CONTENTS
THE
God is dead. In fact, I don’t think that he was ever probably alive. Not in this country, at least. I mean, how could the all-mighty, ever powerful creator of the universe ever stand up to the likes of George Washington. Or Abraham Lincoln. Surely Thomas Jefferson could kick God’s ass. And forget about Andrew Jackson and Alexander Hamilton- they would make a mockery of the omniscient, omnipotent one. And Ben Franklin: he could shove a knife into God’s heart in under a second flat. I’ve seen it myself. Honest. In case you haven’t figured it out yet, these men all have one thing in common. It’s not that they were all founders of this country. It’s not even that they were probably great men. Give up? C’mon, you’re college students; you should know this by now. Hell, you were raised in a nation in which these men are your gods. The one thing that binds
bad beer? Fuckin’ commie. – Ops. Ed.) With extra cheese, none-the-less. He’s never done it for me, so why should I bother believing in him? Especially since I can always have more money than other people, but I can never have more God. Honestly, if God were fair, he’d allow more intelligent and hard-working people to own more of him, so that they could use his power to buy stuff in a mall. Fuck Visa, you’ve got a God card. Imagine the spending power of that? He would also allow stupid and lazy people to own less of him, so that they could suffer because they had less God. Wouldn’t that be cool? Isn’t that the perfect society that’s talked about in the bible? Fuck the messiah, I think that the only way to make this world a better place is to put God’s face on a dollar bill. The Editorial Staff
Editor in Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Opinions Editor News Editor Features Editor Arts Editor
Adam Maskevich Anish Mehta Matt Medeiros Anish Mehta Emily Bohn Matt Medeiros Sylvie Lekarakos
Personals Editors What’s Shakin’ Editor Staff Artist Photography Editor Online Editor Advertising Manager Senior Editor
John Farley and Joe Shramek Adam Ansorge Katherine D. Lazar Tony Chow Dave Mach Anish Mehta
THE MEDIUM is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and are not necessarily shared by THE MEDIUM. Submission and business deadline is Sunday at 12:00 pm. The office of THE MEDIUM is located in the Yorba Lounge of Tillett Hall, Livingston Campus. All correspondence may be addressed to THE MEDIUM L.P.O 16405 P.O Box 5064, New Brunswick, N.J. 08903-5064 or emailed to adamm@eden.rutgers.edu. Our phone number is (732) 445-4721. Your mom.
OPINIONS
Wednesday September 30, 1998
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It seems that they Terry Shea), found some talented Administration ass-kisser of a paper Engineering student and a current 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 student-athletes (that’s right, believe this school needs to debetter known as the Daily Targum, Cook student, I’ve NEVER seen a 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 emphasize atheltics, and not student athletes) and funded an 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 you’ve probably heard of the classroom that could be dubbed a 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 become a “sports factory”. Admit- under-funded football team. ReRutgers 1000. These are a bunch of “slum”. Too many tacky styles 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 tedly, much of our university’s sult: increased applications and an worthless liberal arts professors and from 70s, sure, but not slum. All 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 academic reputation that’s still reputation is staked on sports like majors who think that this school of the Engineering buildings on 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 nd among the cream of the Midwest. football, who suck more than a 42 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 emphasizes too much on athletics Busch have been recently remod12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 Street prostitute on payday. Howwhile neglecting academics in this eled and are in good shape. The 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 Let me get to my points school. They demand that “Within lecture halls I’ve been in have been ever, instead of abandoning big12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 time athletics, we could find a way here, since I’m running a bit long. a12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 period of no longer than three in fine working condition (even 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 First, it ain’t the athletic to make it work. I know you years, remove Rutgers teams from though they need to remember 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 department’s fault that you damned Rutgers 1000 people think I’m NCAA Division IA” and should what year it is in some of them). 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 going to drag out the tired arguliberal arts professors can’t get apply for membership in the Patriot Even on Cook, there are some 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 money. Speak to the various heads 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 League or some other non-Scholar- building that are absolutely beauti- ments about Duke and Stanford. I 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 have 2 words for you: Kansas of the science and ship league. I think that they ful, especially Foran Hall. Re12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 engineering departments. Their State. This university produced should shut the fuck up! Here’s cently, The ARC Building was 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 money doesn’t come from heaven, more Rhode Scholars than any why. opened for ACADEMIC (not 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 you know. Secondly, you can strike other school in the Midwest. 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 ATHLETIC) purposes. My point 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 a balance between athletics and However, applications were dropThey complain that money in this drawn out diatribe: The 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 ping rapidly. Why, do you suppose academics. Just because Miami is desperately needed for classroom resources are there. Most students 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 and Oklahoma can’t get their acts this was so? Because in the mid repair out here. On their site they are doing fine. In fact, it seems 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 80’s, the Kansas State football together doesn’t mean we can’t claim of a classroom that had that most of the complaints come 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 improve academically AND athteam wound up on the cover of “broken windows, a gaping hole in from liberal arts majors, who 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 letically. Lastly, stop bashing the Sports Illustrated as “Futility U”. the ceiling in one corner, and toilet deserve resources like the football 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 athletic department! They need Eventually, the school figured out 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 smells from team needs losses. 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 every bit of support we can give that they couldn’t survive on a12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 backed up bathroom next door”. 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 academics alone. So they found a them. Lord knows that the football To that claim, I say get real! From That brings me to my 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789
i
team needs ALL the support they can get! If anyone, athlete, RU 1000, or average student, wants to prove me wrong, by Garrett Glick (non-dwarf) bring the noise at tbghtown@eden. I’ll be waiting. resist those tender dwarf charms that have swallowed me alive. How many of you have slow danced with a dwarf? For if you have, you may finally know the true meaning of love. For there is no such thing as love, no such thing as affection, no such thing as humanity without the caress of a dwarf. Wake up with a fresh dwarf in your bed after a steamy night of dwarf-love, and you may know what I mean. So go ahead and judge me, call me names, spit on my grave, pee on my garden; go ahead because you don’t know. And as I write this with a man dwarf on my lap, and a short, almost dwarfish Mexican fellow in my arms, well then I’ll have the last laugh. So go on live your dwarf free life. Keep being one of the “cool kids”; keep being in the “popular crowd.” But not me. With two elderly dwarfs having anal sex in my closet, and another one eating swordfish in the nude, I’m the one who knows what happiness really means.
Dwarf Massage . . . . . . more popular than ever !
There are times when my mind is an explosion of feelings, and I’ve got to hold on to the soul inside! What are these feelings about? Well, there are some things a man thinks, but keeps to himself, and these are the things that slowly destroy a man over time. There is something that I must admit is slowly destroying me, and the only way to shake this disease is to simply yell it out. I LOVE DWARFS!! LOVE EM!! I WANT TO FILL A ROOM WITH DWARFS AND DANCE ALL NIGHT TO THE MUSICAL STYLINGS OF LABOUCHE!! I WANT TO PUT A SADDLE ON A DWARF AND RIDE HIM LIKE A BUCKING BRONCO!! I WANT TO DRAPE A MAN DWARF IN LEATHER AND RUN AROUND WITH HIM IN A ROOM FILLED WITH RAW MEATS! There, I’ve said it, and every sweet word of it is true. I’m just a dwarf loving man, no more no less. I feel no guilt, hide no shame. So please do not judge me. For how many of you have
looked a dwarf (preferably a nude dwarf) straight in those beautiful dwarf eyes and could
by Garrett Glick (non-dwarf)
NEWS NEWS
YOU CAN TELL HE PLAYS TENNIS
Wednesday September 30, 1998
The Truth About
Joe Davicsin s-
SCOOBY-DOO.
The Extension on the Top Ten best places to have sex at Rutgers University:
BY ANDREA CARUSO
What We Remember: Four teenagers and their trusted dog gallop across the country in their purple and green van solving mysteries of all sort—and in the process meet all kinds of interesting people.
The Truth: Four high-school dropouts and their sentient dog ride around the country in their psychedelic love machine, earning their way by selling drugs. Oh, and they occasionally take some old guy’s mask off to solve a mystery, but even then, it starts to become apparent that those kids always seem to ‘find’ trouble.
China once). These other characters do have their own peculiarities however... Fred and Daphne are always splintering off from the group to go ‘solve the case’ by themselves. It’s no real mystery what these two are really doing—they’re getting busy in the back of the Mystery Machine. Daphne with her pretty pink, well, legs and Fred are constantly bumping uglies. Fred is, by the way, pumped up on steroids. One thing that remains a mystery to me though, is why he always wore that stupid scarf around his neck. And what about Velma? Everyone’s least favorite of the cast, was of course, a lesbian. But, as it turned out in the later episodes, she was also into bestiality. Where do you think Scrappy-Doo came from? Scrappy, who was a dog yet spoke perfect english, was obviously a product of Velma and Scooby. So the kids spent their teenage years driving around the world, slingin’ dope, shooting steroids, eating hash brownies, and screwin’ their dog, while all the while looking for the perfect ‘hit’.
It may be a little hard to swallow, but just take a look at the evidence: Take Shaggy for example. Not only is he the inspiration for the current ‘grunge’ scene, with his sloppy dress and facial hair, but Shaggy is obviously a ‘burner’, i.e., he smokes marijuana. Why do you think he is constantly hungry? Shaggy can make a six foot hoagie You’ve got Freddy all wrong. He’s not the steroidal and swallow it whole. ladies man that you thought he was. Step back and take a And then there is Scooby himself. While dogs do look at the facts: Wearing a scarf, tight blue action slacks, not generally smoke joints, Scooby gets his ‘high’ from driving a flowered van, and probably doing whatever Scooby-Snacks, which are in fact Hash-Brownies. flowered van drivers do. Whenever Scooby, or Shaggy for that matter, eats a Scooby-Snack, they go ape! It just blows their mind and You never really see him hittin’ on Daphne, the cartoon they do whatever they are told, because they are so lit! love goddess. Scooby is also hungry all the time. Are you seeing it yet? The other characters do not actively take part in Freddy’s hitting from the wrong side of the plate. Rectal ithe stoner-fest that Shaggy and Scooby do, but they do Ranger, condone the selling of it because it helps support their Fudge-Packer, Quigley Down Under, Back Door Man,... jaunts across the country (and the world—they drove to Y’know what I mean? 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345
And yet, another list from Joe...
The Top Ten Dead give aways that you’re a Freshmen: 10. You buy flip-flops from the convenient store, because at some point of your arrival most of you will realize that you will need to shower here, and those floors could be tainted with all types of substance. For you smelly, raunchy, reeking bastards, you need not relate to this. 9. You’re the only son of a bitches that have to get up for first period, most likely for an Expos class. 8. You find a million and one uses for that “Good Stuff” bucket, cup or whatever the fucking thing is that they gave out this year 7. You strive to raise your blood alcohol level beyond your GPA. Actually that’s not too hard considering all you Freshmen have a 0.0 GPA right now, HA..........wait a minute, I have a 0.0 GPA, FUCK, nevermind. 6. You decide to pull the fire alarm in your dorm, at 3:00 A.M....in the place that you live mind you...forcing yourself as well as all of the people you live with, who are either tired or plastered, to exit out into the freezing cold or rain, with no jacket....or shoes.....can you say “Freshmeat”? 5. You think it would be fun to strea....at 3:00 A.M...outside the place that you live...in the freezing cold, or rain...at an hour where no one sees or hears you do it....sometimes you wear a towel, which now totally defeats the point of the term “streaking” to begin with......where was I?? Oh yeah, only a dumb freshmen does shit like that..or something. (I really gotta get laid soon, or start up again on the Opium, my concentration is shot.) 4. You bitch about the surcharge of the Targum being in your term bil....oh wait, you didn’t know about that yet did you??? 3. You’re nice and friendly...to EVERYONE (It’s probably worn off by now though, temporary side effect of ingesting too much frat house beer and Turkey Tetrazini.) 2. On the flip side of #3, you think that everyone’s nice to you. 1.You have yet to become fully assimilated by The Medium.
10. The Roof of the RPO building on College Ave. (Give those news helicopters something interesting to report for once, besides the slant’s good for your back.) 9. The used comic book rack, inside Comic Attitudes. (If your dream is to jizz on used Spawn comics, this is the place for you) (Isn’t that place full of little biys playing card games?? Pedophile. -News. Ed) 8.Silvers Apartments (Looks like a Holiday Inn, smells like a Motel 6, with plenty of flat surfaces, and if you’re lucky on certain weekends....FOUR different beds at your disposal) (Have some respect, sex on Busch campus should not be legal.) 7. The Livingston Quads (Your going to get raped there anyway, might as well enjoy it)(That’s not even slightly funny. If anyone see’s Joe Davisin, please let me know where he is so I can kill him so he will never let such low, sickening humor out of his mouth again.) 6. The court outside of Hegemen, Wessels, Leupp (Especially late at night, no one will be out there late at night..........I mean if there were people there would only be a few, not like they’d be playing football or anything..........who the hell plays football at 2:00 A.M huh????)(They did the other night. I had to be up by 6, I wasn’t happy.) 5.In front of Brower Commons on that weird ass statue. (It’s suppose to be Richard Nixon and if you thought he was one “Tricky Dicky” honey you ain’t seen nothing) 4. Your roommates bed, preferably when he or she is in it. (That’ll teach them to keep you up half the night with their snoring!!!) (This could be dangerous, some guy killed his gay roommate for that last week.) 3. Douglass campus (Once you get past all of the bull dykes, it’s the reincarnation of Caligula) 2. Over the Internet (Reserved mostly for computer geeks, and Engineers that divide their time between studying, studying, and......well hell that’s all they do, so I guess they don’t have time for sex. Shame really, many hot Asians to choose from. 1. Any office of any Dean (Remember, in the educational process it’s not just what you know but who you know)
***WANTED!!!***TRUE LIFE FRESHMAN STORIES FOR A WEEKLY UPDATE. WE KNOW FRESHMAN ARE DIRTY, SKANKY, LOW AND SLEEZY, AND WE WANT TO WRITE ABOUT IT. ALL NAMES WILL BE CHANGED. SEND THEM: TO EMFBOHN@EDEN BY SUNDAY.
NEWS! NEWS! NEWS!
WHY ARE THEY SMILING? NO, NOT BECAUSE GARTH HAS HIS HAND UP THE MUPPETS ASS, BUT BECAUSE THEY WRITE FOR NEWS. SUBMIT! EMFBOHN@EDEN
Wednesday September 30, 1998
NEWS
FLO-JO: RUTGERS LEGEND
CRITICAL ANALYSIS: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
Come take a tour of Brower’s kitchen...
BY OUR FOOD CORRESPONDANT, EVA MALONE * NOTE TO READER: You may ask yourself as you read this, “Why is this bitch whining about going to Brower...if she doesn’t like it, she shouldn’t go!” WEll, I am going to go and I am going to complain! It’ s my right damn it! PASTA: 4
What the HELL have those psycho’s at Brower been trying to feed us? Not anything that’s passed USDA inspection, I’ll tell you that much!! And the fact that hey re-use food from one mel to the next covered up in some nasty “cream” sauce so we can’t tell is pure BULL! And why can’t our meal plan be used at the Student Center? Other normal colleges do that, and their student centers have more to offer too! But seriously people, my favorite has to be Brower’s “Theme” nights. You know, King Neptune and his mermaids. That was okay. Not really up to my standards. The only meals that are actually edible there are the ones for Thanksgiving and Christmas. But then you wonder, if they can spend all that $MONEY$ on fancy ice sculptures, real desserts, turkeys and lobsters, why the hell can’t they just put that $MONEY$ towards the other meals and make them actually edible? Go ifigure. That’s the intelligent plans laid out by our wonderful Brower staff! In case you are curious, and I know you are, here are a few ratings of some common Brower chow!
SCALE : 10 EDIBILE! ALMOST GOOD! 1 GROUND UP HORSES! YUK!
It tastes like glue and the sauces don’t help!
ORIENT EXPRESS: 3 Hey, if you want to try it, be my guest!
CHICKEN DELIGHT: 1
I don’t even eat Chicken McNuggets at McDonald’s!
HAMBURGERS: 1 This is what they’ll do to our mascots horse if he gets out of line!
FROZEN YOGURT: 10 MEXICAN CANTINA: 8
As long as you skip the chop meat. It looks like dog chow! (which is cheaper by the way!)
If they have the machines on, anyway!
CHOLESTEROL FREE EGGS: 4
MASHED POTATOS: 9 As long as you add salt.
SALAD: 9 1/2 You really can’t go wrong with salad except eating it for a week straight makes you feel like a rabbit with a good colon!
Cholesterol free means NO CHOLESTEROL! It doesn’t mean draining them in butter to add grease!
VEGETARIAN SAUSAGE: 2
Hello! sausage is supposed to be a meat product!
FEATURES
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Wednesday, September 30, 1998
“Things Every Guy Does In The Shower But Is Too Ashamed To Admit It” by Greg Boggis In a surprising move, proof Buggso, and decided that this would ducer Ivan Reitman suggested famed be the role to have for the up-andcomedian/actor John Candy for the coming star. When none could be role of “Buggso” in the upcoming found, we looked to the tried and true Ghostbusters III feature film. actors who would fit the role. First we Reitman was said to have overseen thought of John, but remembered that the exhuming process personally, he was dead.” At this point Mrs. Rea claiming, “you cannot keep a good licked her lips in a disturbing manner. actor down, no matter what!” As the two continued in unison, I began Reitman was reported to have been to slip towards the door, catching only a disappointed with few phrases from the the total and utter dynamic duo, “But lack of bad press Karen said that perhaps that he had hoped we should try him out would push his anyway. And when we sequel into the sat him up on the stage, running for the top he was just as lively five moneymaking and funny as ever. comedies next “Viva La Candy” summer. Analysts Studio executives have at the HSX have systematically ignored suggested that the the presence of Candy’s move will greatly actual rotting corpse in increase the the first few frames, potential for the shot in director/star film. Harold Ramis’ baseJohn Candy, as “Buggso” In an ment. It seems that the as lively as ever attempt to learn bloated Candy had been more, I went to see Karen Rea and so engorged with synthetic food upon Michael Chinich, the casting direcdeath that even the usual maggots and tors from the first two films, at their various creatures of decomposition Pasadena home. “Our decision to do would not touch his tender buttocks. this film was contingent on the The result is a very untainted Candy, assurance that we would have Bill and almost as animate now as he was in Murray working with us again. His life. Only time will tell whether or not backing out of the project caused us his career will once again become to look other places. We saw the role great; whether or not he will (literally) of Buggso, and decided that this rise from the grave. Perhaps not. Fuck would be the role to have for the role off, you silly pansy.
All those queers at Demarest are probably reading this and saying, “We thought we were the only ones that did that!” Well you are, you god damn colon cowboys so shut the fuck up. As for the rest of you, pay attention... 1.”The Morning Piss”: Sure, the toilet is like 5 feet away, but it’s so much easier to piss in the shower. For one thing, you don’t have to worry about missing the bowl (especially with that bad aim due to your morning wood). Secondly, you don’t have to worry about “shaking off” because it’ll just wash away. 2. “Snot Rockets”: There’s something about showers that just makes guys sneeze. There’s no scientific explanation, it just happens. So you blow your nose, but use your hand instead of a tissue. Then you kinda run it under the water to get it loose from your fingers. At this point 2 problems may arise... the snot successfully slides off your hands, but mysteriously ends up embedded in your belly button or on your foot. Unfortunately for you, you don’t realize this until you’re out of the shower and the snot has adhered to your skin. The second problem is that the snot backs up the drain, thus causing a flood to cover your foot. NOTE: at this point, do not take your morning piss because there is nothing more repulsive than standing in a pool of your own urine, except standing in someone else’s. 3. “The Shower Shit”: Ok, so there’s probably not a whole lot of people who’ve done this, in fact I may be the only one who has. But when you’re in the shower and there’s that unbearable intestinal force, what can you do? Your ass is all wet from the shower and if you try to sit on the toilet, you’ll probably just slide off and hurt yourself (which can be quite embarrassing to explain to the paramedics). So I take the road less traveled, I let that sucker rip. Now that the intestinal needs have been satisfied, there’s a new problem: what to do about the mess? You’re certainly not going to pick it up, it came out of your ass for god’s sake. The only thing to do is push it down the drain, but with what? Your finger? No. So you search the shower for something that’s not yours, and you happen to come across your sister’s Lady Bic. That should do it! So you mush it up until it goes down, all the while thinking how repulsive what you’re doing is. But you justify it by saying that you’re adding on an extra moisturizer strip. Besides, it’s not like she shaves her face with it. Well, that’s about it, Guys, I’m sure at least one of these things has happened to you before. And to the girls reading this who were expecting to find out how guys jerk off in the shower... everyone knows that only girls masturbate. You say you don’t, but how could you not? It’s right there for god’s sake. Great job with all the articles kids, keep ‘em coming. But please use the following guidlines so we Medium Editors don’t have to string you up. 1) Leave formatting to us, don’t try to center your headlines, or use different font sizes that causes more harm than good. 2)Please include your name, your REAL NAME, YOU KNOW, THE ONE THAT IT SAYS ON YOUR BIRTH CERTIFICATE AND DRIVER’S LICENCE! 3)Use spell check, sometimes there are typos that we can’t even decipher, and send it from your eden account or a compatible server, sometimes eden doesn’t play nice and BUTCHERS EVERYTHING!!! 4) If you have pictures let us know, then we’ll tell you how to get them to us. 5) Revel in the fame
Wednesday, September 30, 1998
FEATURES
I want you to kill
II LOVE LOVE WRITING WRITING FOR FOR FEATURES, FEATURES, SEND SEND YOUR YOUR ARTICLES ARTICLES TO TO WEBITYO@EDEN WEBITYO@EDEN
Unfortuently, none of my fellow Americans has sent me a question pertaining to my or their sexual indiscretions. So I went among the populace of the most famed campus of Rutgers University. Crack Heaven. You know it, you love it. Livingston Campus!
procure her for my herem of women. The seret service men drugged her with ether and layed her my private limo. But in the light of the limo she looked different. It was only then that I figured it was a man dressed in drag from Mason Gross. I threw him out of the moving
While keeping my eyes low and out of the site of the drug dealers I found my victim. She was young, nubile and barely legal (yes,yes,yes!). Just the way I like them “My name is Bill. What’s yours ho?”, I queried my prey. Unfortuently, she was from Douglass. She proceeded to beat me up in the usually true bull dyke style. “I only asked for your name!”, I stated, still dazed from her savage Femme Nakita style attack.She then layed into me with her feet and beat down my ass in true Livingston style. I walked away and was becoming tense at the course of events. But now I had to have her. I sent out my secret service team to
car and went to Busch. I knew that here I could find cream of sum yun girl that was to my taste. All we found was dorks that couldn’t stop talking about quantum weight ratios and physics crap. We proceed to college where we found frat party after frat party, but ironically and paradoxicly we found
no girls. Only bulky frat boys trying to drink each other into a frezy. After stayings for their for seven hours we decide to drunkly drive over to Cook. It was early morning and the animal science people were blowing the sheep. Sorry, umm… taking good care of their furry friends that would soon be cut up into meat for dogs. I stayed and chatted only a minute or two with some wench. Jomama she said her name was. She said she liked the goats best of all. She said they were easy. I quickly snatched her up and proceed to make her my intern. If she thinks the goats are easy, just wait until she get a load of Billy boy! Until next week my fellow Americans. Send stuff into my intern. Keep the faith and I love you Chelsey (I really do. Give dady some lovin’.). The Honarable William Jefferson Clinton(Editor’s Note: Special Thanks to Secret Service Agent Chris Domaniewski for bringing this story to us)
Are you going to the Medium meeting Wednesday at 9:30 in Yorba Of course! lounge? What are you an asshole?!
Dr. Love: Medical Assitance by: Dave R. Mach, MD
Hidey ho, ladies and gents. Hey, thanks for all the great feedback to last weeks article. I have decided to dedicate this entire section to answering any questions that you all have voiced through your emails. Next week I will return to focusing on one or two emails only. Ok? Great. Remember, keep all the great emails coming to drmach@eden. Dear Dr. Dumb, Your article sucked. You suck. -Steve H. Rutgers ‘01 Fuck you for judging me. (I’d appreciate it if you’d not refer to me as Dr. Dumb anymore) Dear Dr. Love, I don’t know what you’re talking about! My girlfriend’s love hole
tastes great! I could eat that shit for days! -Ralph S. Livingston ‘99 LIAAAARRRRR!!!!! You, SIR, ARE A LIAR!!!! Dear Dr. Love, I think you were unfair to woman in your last advice column. You neglected to deal with smelly men genitalia. Hell, my man’s dick smells worse than I do! -Jen F. B. Rutgers ’01 Mam’am, something is terribly wrong with “your man’s dick.” Unless this guy is REALLy unclean, penises are NOT supposed to smell. Either way, I’m grossed out. Dear Dr. Love, Sometimes, I hear voices coming
from my crotch. It says, “Don’t underestimate me.” I’m very afraid of my cunt. -Julie A. Douglas ’87 You have very good reason to be scared of your vagina. I’m scared too.
-John A. Rutgers ’01 You, my ungrammatical friend, are obviously A. Insecure about your sexuality and B. From that other Rutger’s newspaper (you spelled “you’re” wrong) Just keep telling yourself that you guys are funny.
Dear Dr. Love, Great article, Dave. I agree with you. I hate a smelly woman. My woman Mary keeps her thang’ immaculate. -Jesus C. (superstar) Busch ’98 Thanks buddy. I glad someone liked it.
Dear Dr. Love, Great article. I laughed so feel off my seat and fell right on my black ass. It was so good I feel like renewing my battle to fight “the Man.” Keep it up. -John S. (Black, Private Dick/Sex Machine to all the chicks) ’69 This is Shaft isn’t it? I love you man. I’ve seen both your movies! Thanks brother! Alrighty kids, that’s all for now. Keep those emails coming!
Dear Dr. Homo, Your gay. The whole Medium staff is gay. I bet you never even seen a pussy. Die, Faggots!!!
ARTS ARTS
Wednesday September 30, 1998
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Oey Gavolt! Have you ever found yourself going through the squeaky door section at SLEasy Video and thought to yourself, “Boy I certainly wish I could have a couple o’ Jews shed light on what’s good, bad, and just plain freaky!” Well snap yourself down brothers & sisters, cause your prayers have just been answered. We’ve taken the time, money, & toiling effort to bring you our expert critical analysis of these masterpieces of cinematography, cause man, have we seen a shit-load of porn! Cody: We understand how difficult it can be for the novice in search of some weekend smut… Jason: whoa hold up a second Cody, we don’t understand that at all, if you haven’t noticed, we’re seasoned pros. C: Well Jay, maybe I should say, we can help those novices out there who don’t know WHAT they want, but know they’re looking for a good fuck flick. J: ok, we’ve got “porn,” “smut,” and now “fuck flicks,” well folks if you happen to know any more names for this trash send them to us, ‘cause we’re gonna run out fast. C: That’s umm, nice Jay, but let’s stop beating round the bush. This weeks film, and I use the term “film” loosely, called Fuck the Canuck. J: now folks I was opposed to this colossal piece of shit from the get go,
2 Jews on Porn By: Cody Burke & Jason Herskovitz
true the title’s nice and catchy, but you should of seen the skanks on the back cover. Let’s just say I’ve never been a huge fan of tattooed trailer trash, but for some reason Cody seems to have a penchant for these scraps of humanity. C: This from the man who only wants women in virginal white, and preferably Asian. He’s the biggest pain in the tuckas to rent a video with. Anyway, after much contemplation we resigned ourselves to the film, which I will admit has many qualities found in low-grade cable access. But for the record, the girls weren’t that bad. J: yeah, not that bad if you’re into Manville-esque, bleached out, trollops with nipples either having the circumference of cinnamon buns, or texture of an alien burial ground. These gals have taken it in pooper so many times the proctologist no longer needs a flashlight. C: The girls were cute in a skanky sort of way, but I was quite upset at the fact that the entire film was in FRENCH. When I see “Canuck,” British Canadian comes to mind. But I guess screaming “Oui!” needs no translation. J: that’s funny Cody, “cute in a skanky sort of way,” common gimme a fucking break, even you Mister. “If it’s breathing she’s mine,” have to admit these ladies have never seen better days. But seriously folks, the only thing that was more unappealing
Y
than these whores, was the French Jeff Foxworthy with more generic tattoos than the guitar section of Metalica, and he couldn’t even keep up his meat rod for Christ’s sake! C: This film has everything! Bad editing, horrible actors, and a scene with a horse! No, no bestiality, but there was yet another dead trouser snake in this scene. You’re right Jay; I’ve never seen such a pathetic leading man. J: leading man!? He was the only man! C: It was a short picture though (thank god). Three scenes, two straight fucks with the busted snorkel, and then the lesbian scene with lots of power tools. I’ve never seen a French girl getting eaten in the cab of a tractor before. J: well, speak for yourself Cody, I on the other hand…. C: Jay, I don’t want to hear about it. Frankly I think we’re ready to give our menorah ratings. J: alright, listen up all you gentiles, here’s how the system works; for every flick can get from one to, (potentially), nine candles on the menorah, (look it up ya schmuck!); one of course being rock bottom shit off a homeless man’s shoe, and nine being, “I needed to run out of the room to give the pipes a good cleaning.” C: Good explanation Jay. This week, I’m going to be firing up 2 candles on
that old menorah there. Wasn’t a complete waste, cause I still thought the “Trailer trash” was a bit cute. J: there ya go throwing around the word “cute” again, disturbing. Quite frankly I feel your being rather generous, it’s a damn shame that the first porn to be reviewed was such diaper dung, but what can I do, I of course did not choose this one. So in lieu of its God awfulness I shall be
lighting merely one candle for Fuck the Canuck, just in respect for the tradition. C: Well, it’s certainly been an interesting experience, and we get to do it again next week (it’s Jay’s turn to choose the movie, let’s hope it’s not some Japanese crap.) Also, be sure to check out the online edition of 2 Jews on Porn at http://2jews.cjb.net.
There’s lots of fun for all you kiddies, so stop on by.
%%&&%%&&%%&&%%&&%%&&%% %&%&%&%&%&%&% By Amanda Hoffman
Sunday night, the Rutgers Film Co-op and the New Jersey Media Arts Center screened two movies focusing on queer characters and queer issues. The first, The Hanging Garden, was incredible. The second, High Art, sucked. In The Hanging Garden, William (Chris Leavins) returns home after ten years to face his dysfunctional family. The film is exquisitely done, and can be appreciated even when you don’t fully understand what is going on. Scenes of gay intimacy are filmed beautifully. After a high school dance, William and his friend Fletcher engage in some sexual experimentation and are caught by his grandmother. His mother cannot accept that her son might be gay and takes him to a prostitute. This leads to more complications that are revealed later in the film and I won’t ruin them for you. Fletcher grows up and marries William’s sister as a substitute for Will. The scenes where Fletcher attempts to seduce William after the wedding are highly erotic. I have never seen physical intimacy between men portrayed like that before, and it beats a lot of heterosexual
love scenes as well. William’s family clings to his younger ghosts since they cannot accept his sexuality or the fact that he left them. Will’s teenage ghost has hung himself in the garden and remains there for a good portion of the film, until Will buries him. In this film, the characters are complex and aren’t given a happy ending. The film is left open and invites thought on what happens to these people after the lights come up. To ruin this night comes High Art, an obnoxious, annoying film about an immature brat who uses a lesbian photographer to advance her career and create an identity. Radha Mitchell is Syd, an assistant editor at a pretentious photography magazine. Her boss is the standard, ignorant, pony-tail man who dismisses her ideas yet takes credit for them later. Her other boss is no better, a skinny, trendy, leech-woman with an annoying accent. Greta (Patricia Clarkson) has the best accent in the film, a thick German one. As Lucy the photographer’s lover, she is the only thing that makes this movie entertain-
ing. She lives life in a drug induced state, yet can see what Syd truly is, a “psychophant” and a “bootleecker.” Ally Sheedy plays Lucy, and she’s obviously a lesbian artist from New York City because she has short hair, looks like hell, snorts heroin, and lives in a rat hole apartment full of her parasitic, druggie friends. Syd doesn’t know what she wants. Fascinated by Lucy, she begins snorting heroin too. At one point, she takes Lucy’s words about feeling “pigeon-holed” and unable to breathe and repeats it to her boyfriend as her own feelings. She is pathetic. Before running off to upstate New York with Lucy, her boyfriend asks if her if she intends to sleep with Lucy, Syd replies, “I don’t know.” During the love scene with Lucy, she looks like she’s about to cry or throw up. The soundtrack by Shudder to Think simulates the distorted sounds you hear when you have taken too many drugs. The lighting makes everyone look sick and clammy. If director Lisa Cholodenko’s intent was to make everyone nauseous, she succeeds with this film. Her portrayal of lesbians is more exploit-
ative and demeaning than some pornographic films. The film breaks off into an “I don’t know how to end this film” ending, and whatever effect it was supposed to have is ruined since the rest of the film sucked. Besides Greta, Lucy’s mother, and to some extent Syd’s boyfriend, the characters are self-involved shadows that deserve no empathy. Luckily, High Art was the end of a double bill with The Hanging Garden. No one had to pay $5 just for that movie and people who left after the first movie didn’t miss anything good.
Submit to Arts amandah@eden
S WEDNESDAY Sept. 30, 1998 To the brute looking girl who wears that dirty white see through ginny tee every day: I've seen you in Civic Square Building MW3,4. You disgust me. No one wants to see your pointy little tits. Please put on a bra and wipe that shitty look off your face before I slap it off. ——————————— This goes out to our boy Rob who thinks he can fool all of his friends by making up a bullshit story about a lost Expos grade. We all know it was the gay sex with Kevin that took up your study time and caused you to fail out. Or maybe it was the concussion at the 25 ta life show? Didn't want anyone in Nutley to know you were going to community college so you come down to Middlesex everyday? You know there's only two bitches mean enough to write this to you, you got a problem come find us...Church Hill 3:00. --IYQ——————————— To the beautiful boy riding the A-bus to Busch from the grease trucks around 2:30 on Tuesday, the 15th. You were wearing a white t-shirt with a blue calvin klein logo in the center and you had dark crew cut hair. I was wearing a cream v-neck shirt, ave brown hair, blue eyes. I know you noticed me noticing you 'cause our eyes met several times before I got off the bus at Werblin. I couldn't think of anything to say to you as I passed you, but I promise I'm not always so shy. If interested, reply via the Medium to Leigh. ——————————— To the stunning female I saw in my Physics 111 lecture last monday with the short dark hair and black sweater tied around your waist--I walked out behind you and I hoped I'd see you in the student center but you went off to your dorm or something. You want me. You need me. We can go trade stories with Orville Redenbacher, Gumby and Speedy Gonzales and then cruise around on that cool fire extinguisher cart the professor had. If you know
The Drug, It’s Made From Monkey Cum
who I am and you agree that you want me ('cos you know you do), email brute@eden and we'll go out for caramels or something... BEEFCAKE! BEEFCAKE! BEEFCAKE!!!!! ——————————— VIRGIN AT 23 SEEKS GIRLFRIEND OR SEX PARTNER. I SWEAR TO GOD I AM HANDSOME AND SMART. I JUST COME FROM A STRICT RLIGIOUS FAMILY AND WENT TO AN ALLBOYS HIGH SCHOOL. AND I DON'T HAVE A WHOLE LOT OF CONFIDENCE. PLEASE PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY. I SWEAR TO GOD I AM NICE. REALLY. I'M LONELY. I'LL EVEN ASK THAT SOMEONE REPLY TO ME JUST TO HAVE LUNCH AND TALK ABOUT THE WEATHER OR THE GOVERNMENT OR SPORTS. E-MAIL ME AT BBBOBBB @EDEN. ——————————— That’s really fucking pathetic. ——————————— To my expos admirer, I'll rub more than just my man-juice on you- maybe something more along the lines of...my cock? If only I knew who you were...then it would be nonstop bush beatin', clit eatin', cum seepin' fun. Oh. I hope that you are in my class (Mrs. Romaine). ——————————— To the one they call the sparta zoo, You and your speghetti haired, monkey ass are going down! I'm gonna fuck wit your shit in the worst way. ZOO! ——————————— Are you an attractive woman looking for a dose of action? Like tattoos, piercings, alcohol, loud music, three hundred pound men, short dicks, sloppy asses, three teeth, herpes and want to meet a guy with a real job who knows how to have fun? Write sork24@yahoo.com ——————————— To the one we know only as "Alanis", the tall sexy female who sits near the salad bar, who are you? Every time we see you in Brower you make our day complete. Thanks, Alanis. From 197.
WANT YOU SO BAD!!!
—————————— —Hi, I used to build my face muscles. If a weight is forcing your cheek imbeetween your teeth, you can build frown muscles. There are different ways for your jaws,. I might get back into it and make significant progress. Turn on any girls? face muscles? e-mail me at sweller and I'll show up half drunk on my bike eventually (mabey). —————————— To the assholes in Quad 3 that yell every night, FUCK YOU!! Most normal people are trying to sleep at 2 am. (no, just losers) Just because you are away from mommy doesn't mean you are big boys and girls. You will fuck up here and live in the fucking gutter. Considering you are Livingston College students you are practically there already. —————————— To the Hot Chick in AllenYou don't know how bad I want you, but I see your taken, so I'll just sit in my room playing video games waiting for you to pass my room so I can catch a glimpse of your beauty. —————————— To that nasty motherfucker in the S towers 429s brian. Who thinks that the sun rises and sets with his cock. I think your jheri curled hair is so adorable and your hineyis so lush. Hey cutie why don't you meet me and my boyfriend in front of Hardenburg thurs 6:00 pm. I'll bring a bag of baked beans and we can fart all evening on each others faces. —————————— Stratosphere FANZINE #3 All Music - No Filler Interviews with and pix of Miki of Lush, Kathleen Hanna of Bikini Kill, Cranes, Catherine Wheel, Bis, Skinned Teen, Alison's Halo, Secret Shine, cub, SyrupUSA, b'ehl, and loads more! Send $2 to Jen at 2045 Woodbridge Ave Edison NJ 08817 —————————— Boy Seeks Girl. Strict veg-
etarian, aspiring vegan, nonsmoking non-drugging, non-drinking, physically active, employed boy (24 1/ 2yo). Looking for a friendgirl who is smart enough to think for herself. If you drink, smoke, do drugs, or eat meat, don't bother writing me; if not, please respond to atom @suspicious.org Translation: Skinny fucking loser seeks even skinnier loser chick. If you can’t have fun, please reply. I’m pathetic. Thanks. ——————————— I'M SORRY......YOU KNOW WHO I'M TALKING TO....=( cancer patients) ——————————— TO THE FRESHMEN IN HOUSES 37 & 38 HAVE A NICE YEAR! WE FUCKED IN YOUR BEDS ——————————— Among other things, I guess my biggest problem is that I NEED GAY SEX WITH A COLLEGE BOY. A really butch one - Jewish a plus (I'm not, but who cares.). I'm 30, 12 pounds overweight, NOT BLONDE, looking for sex only. Serious replies to netsurf814@aol.com. School sucks--let's have sex. By the way, the Medium is a fucking hack job. Keep up the good work. ——————————— Weightlifting and Bodybuilding products for sale include weight gainers, protein shakes, carb. shakes, energy pills, weight loss shakes. All FACTORY DIRECT, UNBEATABLE PRICES. "Major Mass 5 lbs, $12 with 50 g of protein per serving" email smconway@eden ——————————— To that FUCKING loser on T2 who always wears shortass sweat pants: Where's the fucking flood? Get your gay ass off our fucking floor. No one fucking likes you!!! signed, Drop Dead Ken P.S. Barbie wouldn't fuck you with her plastic pussy!!!!! Reply to: Drop Dead Ken ——————————— To the fucking ho that was
PERSONALS screaming "Wake the Fuck up Livingst on" at 3 am on Tuesday the 22, I hope you contract VD and have to tell mommy and daddy that you are a whore that can't keep here fucking twat shut. ——————————— To my fat, smelly, dyke-looking expos proffesor... You are my wettest of dreams. I want to stick my dick so far up your ass that it comes out your stomach. I have class Tues, thurs 4 on College Ave and my name is Mike. Please don’t ignore me anymore. ——————————— Knub-Fucker Returns!!! The return of the Knub-Fucker. I just got out of jail, but still want knubs! If you are a bitch with knub, you normally couldn’t get any untill now. I will fuck you. I will cum on your nubs. And remember, if your legs are knubs, I’ll even walk to you. I LOVE KNUBS! ——————————— The other day I walked into my roommate fucking another guy, so I left. Then I got my friends and a bunch of sticks and we beat the shit out of him. ——————————— To Shirley, I just want you to know that I love pasta night. Next time i get to put ziti up your ass. ——————————— Sometimes at night, I hear moaning from the next room, so I go and jerk off into my socks and think about my horse back home and how much I really do miss it. Then I drink from the toilet. ——————————— Velvet Jones here. i got lots of hoes from around the University. I got white ones, black ones, hispanic ones, disabled ones, dirty ones, and retarded ones. All girls are $25.00, except the retarded ones, they are $30.00. Reply to hoes@eden for more information. ——————————— Did you ever sit in front of a computer too long and really want to beat the shit out of people for no help? Probably not, but I’m going to snap and kill some mother fucker some time this year if shit doesn’t pick up. Oh Well. ——————————— I think what he is trying to say is “Send some fucking personals, you depraved rodents.” ——————————— send personals to moronboy@eden or jshramek@eden
ARTS
S PERSONALS
Heads its pussy. Tails its balls across the nose.
Why You Should Write Personals I had no life. So I wrote Personals. Nothing Happened.
By: Iago Then I got the shit beat out of me
WEDNESDAY Sept. 30, 1998 The comic next to this is entirely true. If you write a personal, you will most likely get the shit beat out of you. But, as a Rutgers student you will get the shit beat out of you anyway, just because you’re a fucking loser. Just like your friends, your family, basically, most people you know. So, if you are going to get the shit beaten out of you for being a loser, why not get the shit beaten out of you for writing some personals. If you don’t, we will hunt you down and stick our friend, Mr. Splintering Broom Handle up your ass. moronboy@eden or jshramek@eden. Thanks.
This page isn’t really supposed to have this shit on it. It is supposed to have personals like the previous page. Oh fuck. Send in your personals. It’s free, and if you send in a good one Jesus’ Grandma will give you head. It’s good too. We’ve both had it before, and she has no teeth. She just sucks and gums youi shaft as long as she can. If you’re not into that, our friend’s dog will go down on you and maul your genitalia. It just locks its jaws on and shakes its head like nothing I’ve ever seen. I once saw it maul ten people’s dicks and cooches in a matter of three minutes. No shit. It’s pretty fucking funny to watch too. And besides, if you don’t send personals, you cut into our drinking time. moronboy@eden or jshramek@eden. Poopers
NJSHIT Gains Mascot WANT YOU SO BAD!!!
“Alcohol and drugs are good for strong bones and teeth.”
Puffy the Bear, the new icon for NJSHIT, is sweeping the nation with his message of fun, angst, and self-destruction. NJSHIT recently adopted the now famous face of Puffy in order to reach a younger generation of ne’er-do-wells and miscreants. Puffy, adopted from a circus, where he used to be “Clubby” the baby seal beating bear. Puffy is now touring all fifty states, passing out joints and tabs of acid to the youngest generation. NJSHIT spokespeople were quoted “Yeah, this fucking bear was a pain in damn asses. All the fucker did was beat anything resembling a baby seal. We’d tell you about the time we brought him to the community children’s pool, but I think they’re still looking for us. Then we got the idea to drug the shit out of him all the time. Now he’s alot more mellow, and it’s funny as hell to see him stuff a sheet of acid in a three year old’s mouth when his mom’s turned around.” Parents and community leaders express an extreme amount of disdain towards NJSHIT and their recent adoptee. “That bear is so damn cute, but he gives our kids drugs. My son, Billy, has been hallucinating for five days straight. It’s just not ethical,” says a concerned parent. In reply, NJSHIT Co-founder, Iago says, “Ahh, fuck ‘em.”
WEDNESDAY Sept. 30, 1998
PERSONALS
Fuck Yourself
Return of the Fun Page! The Super-Fun Maze! Now Kids, play this one with your younger brother or sister, and when they re almost done, beat the fuck out of them!!! That s what makes this maze SUPERFUN!!!
Find the Magic Words!!! Find these Words! K J J F Y J H T D F E W D ——————— Cocksucker C Y G A S S V I J Z X M X Urethritis Smelly Pussy N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Dog Orgasm Z D E G UWANTJYOULSOT BAD!!!C H F U C Puss Anal Lube K J E L L O S Y P H O J K Douche Twiffy F H J F Y O O O O O O O Kitty John Lennon K H M O R O N B O Y J S Rectum Igneous H R A M E K Z D Y R H Y Dead
A Silly Trick to Play on Daddy! One day, when Mommy gets home, go up and ask her who Daddy sleeps with in her bed when she goes out with Grandma! It s really a swell Trick!
Men Have PeePee’s. Girls Don’t. That’s What Makes Girls Stupid.
Fill in what the characters would say!!
The end
WHAT’S SHAKIN’
Wednesday September 30, 1998
Vanilla Ice is Grrrrrrrreat!!!
RUN D.M.C.
I VE SPENT MANY SLEEPLESS NIGHTS FOR YOU..... HOB-NOBBING WITH BANDS.....
is Coming to Fuck Some Shit UP!!!!!!
SUCKING ON THE DRIED UP DICK THAT WE AFFECTIONATELY CALL NEW BRUNSWICK..... .......................................................................................
IT S ACTUALLY NOT THAT BAD..... 1234567890123 1234567890123 1234567890123 1234567890123 1234567890123 ......KINDA TANGY. 1234567890123 1234567890123 1234567890123 1234567890123 1234567890123 1234567890123 1234567890123 1234567890123 1234567890123 1234567890123 1234567890123 1234567890123 1234567890123 1234567890123 1234567890123 Adam Cloud 1234567890123 1234567890123 Ansorge 1234567890123 What1234567890123 ’s Shakin’ 1234567890123 1234567890123
An ILLIN TIP!!!! Run D.M.C. is Coming to the CAC MultiPurpose Room October 15th-----Tickets go on sale THIS MONDAY, October 5th!!!
Only $7
Local Jive: PLUM STREET PUB 10/1-----Robert Jackson and Lucinda Bright 10/2-----Segway and Nick Clemius 10/4-----Matt Witty 10/5-----Velour and Burgandy 10/6-----Spaztik Kolon and Exit 9 10/7-----Spreadhaus and Skillet 10/8-----Wineskin and Real Family Values
THE MELODY
WORD!!!!!
BUDAPEST
10/2---9pm---$4cover---21 and up! ----New Tabloid Nation, Pillow, Dira and Shaft 10/5---5pm---$5cover---ALL AGES! -----Knapsack, At The Drive In, Seti Alpha Six, Kids Inc. 10/9---4pm---$5cover---ALL AGES! -----Brandston, Appleseed Cast, Cross my Heart, Situation@1200 10/9---9pm---$4cover---21 and up! -----The Boss Jim Gettys, Bunt, Evelyn Forever, Spreadhaus
10/3---9pm---$5cover WHTG 106.3fm Underground Party Hosted by Jeff Raspe -Ultrafine RCA Recording Artists: -Babe the Blue Ox, Block, Twelve:01 10/10---9pm--$5cover Yummy, Loose,
The Hell Out Of Town: Roseland
Irving Plaza 212-777-6800
09/30 N'dea Davenport w/ Mos Def and Talib Kweli as Black Star 10/01 Morcheeba w/ The Freak
Brothers 10/02 Morcheeba w/ Pernice Brothers 10/05 DJ Spooky Plastilina Mosh; EBN;Byzar 10/06 Reel Big Fish w/ Spring Heeled Jack USA; Frenzal Rhomb
10/08 Liz Phair 10/09 Royal Crown Revue 10/12 Jerry Cantrell 10/15 Insane Clown Possee 10/28 Rob Zombie, Monster Magnet, and Fear Factory 10/29 Rancid, Hepcat, Creep Division
Birch Hill Stingrays (732)536-0650 10/5-----Special Event, Stabbing Westward 10/9-----Kings X, Galactic Cowboys
The NCING BOU LS!!!!! SOU
10/16---Twisted Sister, Eddie Ojeda
October 4th
10/17---Incubus, System of a Down 10/23---Dokken 10/24---Tom Tom Club, Talking Heads 10/30---John Taylor, Duran Duran 10/31---The NERDS
New Palace Performing Arts Center 12 Maiden Ln. Boundbrook, NJ (732)560-7450 call for ticket info!
The picture above is of a drunk.
***Call for all ticket availability!!!!