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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themedium.net
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Wednesday, September 24th, 2008
Volume XXXIX - Issue III
QB Teel Injures Pimping Hand Will Sit Out Remainder of Pimp Season Rutgers Receives $120 Billion for Death Ray New Brunswick- In his annual address to the University, President Richard McCormick noted key donations by Alumni all over the country. “We have had past students donate millions of dollars towards programs like expanding the business school and upgrading housing ,” said McCormick. “But they pale in comparison for the $120 Billion donation for the construction of a Rutgers University Death Ray to be finished within the year.” The Death Ray will use concentrated heat particles to act as a giant microwave oven, literally vibrating the water molecules to the point where a human literally explodes. “I am very excited to see all of the possibilities that the Death Ray will offer Rutgers!” exclaimed Rutgers Evil Scientist School Dean, Dr. Dorlov von Frankenburg.
Robitussin Unveils New “Fraternity” Size Bottles Richmond, VA- Robitussin finally decided to listen to the thousands upon thousands of requests of fraternities nation-wide and unveiled the new “Fraternity” size bottles. “We were inundated with complaints from Phi Kappa Alphas and Delta Delta Taus that it was too expensive to keep purchasing small bottles in order to more easily seduce drunk girls,” says VP of Marketing Dan Rothis. He then added, “I mean help drunk girls feel better...yeah...” The new bottles will come in Gallon, Double Gallon, and Pound That Shit Bro! and will be offered at a steep discount to frats on the condition that the purchaser can do a Jaeger-Bomb on the spot.
BY JOHNNY CHALLENGER STAFF WRITER
New Brunswick- It is truly a sad day for the Rutgers Varsity Pimping Squad as star Pimp Mike Teel will be forced to sit out the remainder of the season with a year-ending pimp hand injury. “Personally, I just feel...like I let down my friends on the team and the fans at home,” said Teel of the injury. “If Big Macky Mac or The Honorable Righteous Doctor Slickity Slap can’t keep their Ho’s in check, I just can’t be there to lay down the lesson.” He then added, “and by lesson, I mean learnin’ a bitch to the theory of the back of my hand.” The pimp hand injury occured at last Saturday’s game versus Navy. After throwing a game-ending interception, Teel was leaving the field in agony and disgrace when approached by Sophomore Glen Lee. Lee tried to offer words of encouragement to Teel, telling him to “keep his head up.” Teel, frustrated at the interception, interpreted Lee’s words of encouragement as Lee trying to get out of paying Teel for the blow job he gave to a “John” on the corner of Easton and Hamilton. Teel’s hand lashed out towards Greg’s cheek almost by instinct and made contact with Lee’s helmet. Despite years of pimp experience and conditioning, Teel’s pimping hand could not hold up to the heavy plastic covering and it broke into 3 separate pieces. As for Greg Lee’s health, his helmet absorbed the majority of the physical impact but failed to stop the lowering of self-esteem brought on by the successful connection of pimp-hand to body. Currently, he will be sent to the team psychologist and is put on the injured reserve roster pending psychological evaluation.
Quarterback/Pimp Mike Teel is pictured here prior to his hand injury. When asked about the incident, Greg was incoherently mumbling gibberish, occasionally exclaiming that “Big Daddy Teel is going to kill him” if he doesn’t “come up with some dough for his blow.” Coach Schiano could not be reached for comment on the incident although we can predict that he would defend Teel at any cost. The injury plagued Teel is no stranger to hand injuries as he spent the latter part of the football
season with an injured thumb which negatively impacted his throwing game. While the entire Rutgers fan base pleaded with Head Coach Schiano to sideline Teel, he muscled on through leading Rutgers to a 8-5 season last year. Since then, Rutgers has gone 0-3 with a healthy Teel at the helm which has led to many grass roots groups organizing to form a “Sprain Mob” to seize Teel and injure him in order to improve his game .
The Official Papyrus of Egypt University ESTABLISHED 1970
THE MEDIUM
BRAND NEWS “Why do I have to take care of it? Fuck, I hate this thing!”
Wednesday, September 24th, 2008
Batmobile Replaced with Bathatchback BY TORGO VAN PELT STAFF WRITER
tham City automotive experts, the new car appears Gotham City- Reports have to be a 1996 Geo Metro, surfaced among eyewitness- complete with a 3-Cylinder es that Batman is no longer engine with a top speed of using the famous Batmo- 70 miles per hour and, most importantly, overall fuel bile. Instead, these sourc- economy of 40 miles per es have now reported that gallon. However, success due to rising fuel costs, he with the new car has so far is now using a hatchback to been hard to come by. catch criminals. According to police According to a locrime reports, last Sunday, cal gas station attendant, “I Batman was chasing The filled up his old car about two weeks ago. When I Joker on foot before switchtold him that the total was ing to their vehicles. 210 dollars, he just silently But unbeknownst to Batgrumbled and sped off with- man, several of Joker’s out paying. You are going to goons secretly attached a horse trailer to the Metro’s pay in advance, right?” According to Go- trailer hitch.
When Batman tried to move the car, it was held in place by the trailer; so effectively, that it caused the transmission to fail, and sending the car in the shop for the next week.
This is not the first time the caped crusader has used more fuel-efficient means of transportation. During the energy crisis of the late 1970s, he prepared a Yugo for use.
However before he put the car into full time use, tragedy struck when Robin was blown off the Gothenac Strait Bridge while testing it, falling to his death.
Hurricane Forms off Coast of Mexico, Enters US Illegally BY RENEGADE RICK METEOROLOGIST
Mexico/Texas Border-With winds in excess of over 80 miles per hour, hurricane Pablo has been picking up energy for the past several days in the warm tropical waters off the Gulf of Mexico. Carrying with it is a dangerous 10-15 foot tidal surge, and a few thousand cases of Montezuma’s Revenge. The greatest threat is that this hurricane is going to be taking away American hurricanes’ jobs. Local resident Maria McIntyre
has seen her fair share of this illegal hurricane crisis. Her grandfather started a pickling business in the late 19th century and sadly, she recently had to close it doors after over 100 years. “We used to have good old fashioned American hurricanes, like George and Robert. With all the illegal hurricanes entering the country these days our business just couldn’t keep up, and we were forced to sell.” When contacted, US Border Patrol Sergeant was clearly upset, but has seen
CONTENTS
Page 2 Page 3 Page 4 Page 5 Page 6 Page 7 Page 8
Brand News Features Opinions Arts Personals Trap Dykes Whats Shakin’
Page 9 Page 10 Page 11 Page 12
I’m a PC! I’m a Mac! Lull!!! Roffle!!!
Cover by: Who the fuck are you? Huh? Thats right bitch
it all. “This hurricane just couldn’t be caught, I chased it with my truck but I got stuck in a ditch. It skipped right passed the drug-sniffing dogs and didn’t even bother to produce a valid passport. I see this almost every year in the late summer months, yet our federal government refuses to do
anything about it.” With the onset of Fall, hopefully illegal crossings like these should come to a halt. To prevent further illegal natural devastation, several members of congress have sponsored a bill that would call for the construction of a 2,000-mile long, 10-mile high wall,
stretching the entire length of the US-Mexico border. One major drawback to this plan some critics argue is that it will keep Mexicans from entering the US. “That would create a larger disaster than any hurricane could,” said Roger Ebert, film critic. “I give this plan 2 thumbs down.”
WEATHER OR NOT
Look Outside, Repeat. Today The Future Cold...so cold...come back big yellow ball! Come back! Friday RUN DAMMIT!!!
Thursday Fucked if I Know Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Opinions Editor News Editor Features Editor Arts Editor What’s Shakin’ Editor Personals Editors
Paul Winters Colin Fong Gary Klimowicz Jake Lewandowski John Bender Tim Swanson Al P. The Baconator! Corey Fineman Dave Imbriaco
Photographer Online Editor Advertising Manager Staff Artist Senior Editor Faculty Advisor
Helen Ortiz Paul Winters Gary Klimowicz Al P. Ryan Barton Barbara Reed
THE MEDIUM is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and are not necessarily shared by THE MEDIUM. Submission and business deadline is never o’clock. The office of THE MEDIUM is CAC Student Center Room 439. All correspondence may be addressed to THE MEDIUM. This issue is dedicated to the Dread Pirate Roberts or Wesley the Farm-boy if you’re hella gay. As you wish? Fags.
Wednesday, March 5th 2008
THE MEDIUM
FEATURES
Candid Candidates Pterodactyls are srs business.
by: Hound Dog
• I always keep a mirror handy to appreciate myself.
• I’m afraid of mirrors...and running water...and shadows...
• When the wife and I are porkin...I’m thinking of me.
• When the mistress and I are porkin I think of my wife...I get off on misery.
• I have a secret agenda...to get my face on currency. • Once I get those nukes I won’t have to be afraid of anything. • There is no sweeter sound then my soothing voice. • CHARLIES TWELVE OCLOCK!!!!!! • When I sleep at night I dream of all the peoples of the world united together holding hands in unity...chanting my name.
• When I sleep at night I dream of the gooks and how I swore one day I’d be president and wipe their sorry ass country off the map...and fucking Australia too. Do-nothing kangaroo bastards.
• My fathers actually a brick layer from Patterson, NJ I just thought the Kenyan thing made me sound more wordly. • I think Hilary is hot.
• I was never a POW, I spent 5 1/2 years in a heroin processing facility.
• I killed a hooker one night on a crack binge.
• I think Barbara bush is hot.
• I think I was chosen by god to lead.
• I raped several Vietnamese children.
Rutgers Unveils Plans to Install Dining Hall Ratio System by: Paul Platzman With all the hoopla of frat parties and their ratios, going to the dining hall may be the ONLY time a bunch of dudes can go to a social activity together, free of calculated burden, here at Rutgers. But imagine if even that wasn’t the case... “Yo, you tryna have a snack before we go eat? I’m tryna snack HARD tonight man. I had my boy make a run and pick up a whole box of Ramen.” “Cool, but we gotta go out early. Once it gets late it’s gonna be impossible to get in without bringing girls.” “Ah shit, they got people at the door.” “What’s good Mamma Brower? You guys having something tonight?” “Yea man, chicken marsala, mashed potatoes, assorted veggies. It’s 4:1 though.” “Damn. Come on Mamma Brower, I’m so hungry!” “Sorry dude, come back when you have more girls. 4:1.” “...” “Let’s try Tillet, maybe their ratio isn’t as bad.” “Yea, plus I kinda know this guy
who works there. I met him a while ago.” “Nice. Do you have his number?” “Let me check... yea I do, actually. Should I call him? It’s gonna be kinda weird, I don’t know him that well.” “Whatever, man.” RING, RING: “Uh... hello?” “Hey! What’s up buddy! It’s Johnny. Remember, I met you a few weeks ago through Cheryl. You told me to come check you guys out sometime.” “Oh... oh yea, kinda. What’s up?” “Nothin much man. Listen, I heard you guys are throwin down tonight. You think you could help me and my boy out?” “Oh, sorry man. It’s guest list only tonight.” “Oh. OK. Well, thanks anyway. Maybe I’ll come by the dining hall and apply next semester!” “Yea definitely man.” “Hold on, I might know someone. I met him last year when that hoe from my floor got us in. I don’t remember his name though. I was really full when I met him. If he was at the door I’d recognize him, otherwise it’s probably no
use.” “Forget it then, bro. But come on, I’m getting hungry. Yo, call up that girl from your psych class. See what she’s doin tonight. I bet you she’s eating.” “I did before. She didn’t pick up. She’s probably full already. Plus I think she’s with that dude who works at Neilson.” “Yo, we GOTTA apply to Neilson next semester. They throw the bumpinest dinners on campus. Pizza, smoothies, hot pasta line, and there’s always mad chicks there. What more could you ask for?” “Yea but I heard their application is like mad long. A friend of mine did it and he said you gotta write essays and list references and shit. Busch is just as good, plus they got in trouble last semester cuz they were caught making their applicants lick the plates clean, so now all you gotta do is memorize a lot of dining hall history and stuff about its founders or some bullshit. It won’t be that bad. Plus the chefs are cool.” “Yo, maybe we could sneak in the back door.” “Nah bro, it’s locked.”
“Fuck this. We should just talk to some girls who look like they’re on their way in. Have them get you in, then tell ‘em to come back out and get me in. It’s gonna work, yo.” “You do it then.” “Fine! Excuse me! Hey... excuse me. Hey, you think you could help us out...” “Hahaha she just walked right past you dude!” “Fuck her. She was full as hell. Stupid, full bitch.” “Fuck it, you know anywhere else we could go?” “I heard Wendeys is having something.” “Wendeys is always having something. They don’t have a ratio either. You just gotta drop fives.” “Alright, let’s take a look. We’ll see how it is when we get there.” Wendeys: “What’s good guys? It’s five bucks to eat here.” *Grumble, grumble* “Shit man, you really tryna throw fives? It looks like a sausage fest in there.” “Actually, that’s beef, but dude, it’s a Thursday night. I had three exams this week. I’m tryna get my grub on.”
THE MEDIUM
OPININIONS
Wednesday, September 24th 2008
Say Please if You Want Pablo’s Points My Fags, Fags By Pablo Jose “He tried to kill me with a forklift!”
By Russ Y.
As a cigarette smoker, sometimes I feel destined to give out cigarettes. I don’t really give a fuck. Whatever, so our useless scrub at life who can’t manage something as simple as having cigarettes on you. I’m sure you will have fun in the business world. Until then kill yourself a little faster at my expense. But when the fuck did it become the accepted method of bumming a cigarette to ask “Yo, you got an extra stoge?” Listen bitch, I don’t know what an extra stoge is. I live off these shits. These are my fuel. Do you randomly go up to people filling their cars and ask, “Yo you got an extra gallon?”
My god, just ask me for a goddamned cigarette you poor pathetic person. Just say, “May I please have a cigarette?” My hungover ass might just explode with happiness at the sight of a little common courtesy to your benefactor. So, yeah, I brought up three cartons
here, and this Saturday when I go home I will get three more, so if you see me outside enjoying nicotine, I have no extras but I can afford to be a little generous, once you explain to me why your life is so pathetic that you can’t drop 7 bucks on a pack.
A New Surge For Different Times By Ronald Buckley-Friedman
Editor’s Note: We at The Medium decided to take a different look at the current fiscal crisis in the nation and had our new conservative columnist Ronald Buckley-Friedman voice his opinion on this current event. Take it away, Ronnie! Our economy has been the strongest it has ever been in the history of the world. But now, it’s been in a disastrous freefall, no thanks in large part to those goddamn hippy liberal democrats. Their calls for regulation have stopped this astronomical growth in its tracks and made the stock market fall faster than a stone, once again proving that regulation is poison. Fortunately, our good friend and current commander in chief has decided that something must be done, and has offered a 700 billion dollar bailout to the companies in need. I must say, this is exactly what the doctor ordered! Heck, the mere hint of this caused stocks to skyrocket. This Surge of new money will solve all the problems
that need to be fixed, similar to how the surge of new troops brought lasting peace to the Middle East. Now sure, there will be detractors, like the typical liberal media making the typical liberal media complaints that the surge didn’t really work. Which is complete bullshit! The President said it worked! Therefore, it works! The liberal media also complains about how poorer people would be hurt even more by these recent developments. To which I say, suck it up and take it like men! Some people are going to have make sacrifices in these times, just like the 4,168 Americans who died bringing peace and freedom to Iraq. Besides, any aid to you would just be a cheap welfare handout to people who neither
have earned nor deserved such help. On the other side of this are these poor, hard working corporate CEOs, who have lost the ability to buy a 4th yacht they earned with their bootstraps. We must protect the bonuses of these CEOs THAT THEY EARNED THROUGH HARD WORK, HIPPIE. This bailout package is a thing of beauty created by Bush 43. If he can get it passed against the likes of that faggy San Francisco cunt Nancy Pelosi and her posse of Dumbocrats, he will secure his place among the pantheon of great Presidents like Reagan, Hoover, and Nixon. It’s a shame I can’t vote him in for a third term.
You too can be vaguely Famous in the new brunswick-Highland Park Metroplex! EMail Your thoughts about RU or whatever to Opinions@Themedium.net.
Rutgers Parking Let’s tally it up shall we? -It’s $180 to park in a parking lot nowhere near classes on Busch Campus. -15 Points -You are forced to take a commuter bus (yes people a C bus exists, it makes a circle from the classes to the parking lot over and over all day). -20 Points -Nobody affiliated with the University can park in the metered spaces. -30 Points -All other parking lots open up to commuters after 6pm. If you have a class before then, like say 5:40, tough shit. -40 Points -Now, anyone with a Zone B parking permit can’t park anyplace in Zone B on Thursdays if there is a football game. -209 Points FYI – You can park at Sears for free and take a bus, and the meters across from the police station are only enforced until 4pm. Total: -2,384,957 points The Centurion -Stop referring to Barack Obama as “B. Hussein Obama”. Have a little respect for the next president. -John McCain has more in common with John Wayne Gacy, John Wilkes Booth, John Bobbit, John Hinckley, Jr., and a Port-a-John than Barack Obama has in common with Saddam Hussein. -This is how ridiculous you sound: “John McCain has the same name as John Bobbit. Do we really want a man who had his penis cutoff and reattached, and starred in a porno movie shortly after, running our country?” -Allow me to have a fake argument with you. “But Pablo, how can you question our journalistic integrity, when you write for The Medium? We all know how little integrity you have.” -With this statement, I invoke the Daily Show defense: The Medium is not a real newspaper and I never claimed to have any journalistic integrity. You on the other hand call yourself a Journal of Conservative thought. You can do better than this. WWHS? (what would Hannity say) -10 points Rock Band 2 The new setlist is funny because they take a one-hit wonder band and pick a song they didn’t get famous for. I’m trying to think of an example but I forgot. The fact that your characters can play any instrument in the band is nice. My new character looks exactly like Sarah Connor (Sarah Connor Chronicles version, aka “This is Sparta!”’s Queen). Though she is now mastering the drums, perhaps one day she will learn the ways of the strings. +5 Points Pablo’s Points I totally ripped off Laurels and Darts. +98,743 Points
ARTS
Wednesday, September 24th, 2008
“ C is for Cockie...that’s good enough for me.”
Beat Your Meat In Sesame Street
THE MEDIUM
Search & Find
By Meat Head Sandwich
This week The Medium Staff time warped back to the good old times, but instead of counting our numbers we wound up counting the nastiest crimes. Cookies turned to cocks, every corner seemed to be a giney, & Maria even pulled an ice cream cone out of her hiney. So we COULD tell you how to get to Sesame street, but your gonna have to find out on your own, because at this point, the amount of dicks present is unknown. CAN YOU FIND: + A ruler + A funnel + Reading glasses + An apple + All the letters in the alphabet + Cockie Monster + Lunch Bag + A noise maker + A pencil + A roll of Toity pape + A glass pipe + A christmas tree + The cunty count + Dunkaroos + A pizza slice +Prairie dawn + JD bottle + Bert finding Ernie’s Rubber ducky +Maria pulling an ice cream cone out of her ass, obviously.
COME TO A MEDIUM MEETING & YOU COULD WIN A....... WEDNESDAYS @ 9 pm In The College Ave Student Center ROOM 439
THE MEDIUM From The Personals Editor:
HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!! Rutgers community! I am fucking proud of you guys! In the two-plus years that I’ve worked here I have never opened up the personals email and seen 25 submissions! That’s incredible! Thank you guys so much for listening to us for once and submitting your own content! With your help, you guys are actually making this a Rutgers newspaper for, and by, the Rutgers community! Keep on submitting! -C. (Looks like I’m going to have a lot to comment on this week.) To that kid in my fluid dynamics class: two weeks ago when you individually put all the blinds in SERC out of the window so they would stop making that noise in the wind, it was really helpful, but the who class was yelling at you. I’ve had many classes with you, and you used to piss me off, but you’re exactly like Dwight from the Office. So thanks, I guess? (That same kid one brought a bottle of Sam Pelligrino and a can of Red Bull with him to the final for Engineering Economics. “If you wanna feel like a winner, you gotta fuel like a winner!” - Dwight.) Dude, I’ve let my leg hair grow so long that it blows in the wind. (Leg hair and answers, my friends, are blowing in the wind.) I finally got my record player set up in my room. Now I can listen to 2112 in all its Rushy glory. Corey ur lyke totally invited over to listen, man. (You bring the 2112, I’ll bring my Geddy Lee singing voice.) Heres the thing freshmen: and no, I won’t capitalize the F in that until you’re grown up. You need to get your shit straight. As an embittered upperclassman, you just get in the way. So if I fucking shove you out of the way when I’m trying to catch a bus or anything, it’s because I’m teaching you how to operate now that you’re at Rutgers. It’s almost like a hazing that happened to me when I was a lower classman. It’s nothing personal, it’s just you don’t know any better yet.
PERSONALS
Wednesday, September 24th, 2008
“Where were you while we were getting high?” It is im-fucking-possible to To the kid pushing his get from SERC to Beck in 20 way across the row in minutes. Fuck you Rutgers my econ class. GO! for making me miss an educa- FUCKING GO! Act like By Little Naughty Bagels tion because your class times you a sense of urgency are fucking terrible. You and get to your seat. Don?t NAUGHTY’S I’m obligated to put have a staggered schedule play meet and greet with NO-NO’S for Cook/Douglass and Col- everyone, just go. Stop mov- this in here. I’m also lege Ave, but no, nothing for ing aside bottles and bags obligated to make it 1. No Full Names. where I need to be. and fucking step over people. funny each week and - Will be shortened. B o n e r . You a fucking dirty twat. different. But you WHO YA GUARDIN, know what, you get (Robert Wood Boner, THE PHANTOM?! the idea. This box also 2. Nothing Illegal. New Brunswick Campus.) I heartily suggest to my takes up a lot of room. - RUPD likes to read ZOMG Piggies!!! libations group to Magisthis paper, I think. In my german book’s glossa- ter Fieus should be arbiter (Editor’s note: you ry is this gem: “large-dick”. bibendi. Let’s make I don’t care that I’m 21, this a reality, amici. put these in when you 3. Send stuff from Eden. -With 25 submissions have a lot of extra it’s funny as hell and I Dear Rutgers - don’t believe WILL larf larf larf about it. this week from Eden the Meet The Medium bios room, like right now. Jeebus do my personals suck addresses, I think this - I’m not a drunk. I couldn’t It’s a good trick to fill this week. <3 Senior Editor. point has been followed. be as awesome as I am if I space, no?) (But hey, it’s still a sub- was drunk all the time. HowWoot! mission. I have a BBQ ever, if you do want to drink To everyone who I sit next to To the staff of Subway in the to get to anyway.) with me, I really, really, reon busses and maybe make College Ave Student Center The Volcano Taco from Taco ally fucking love Yuengling. feel weird: I don’t fucking on Monday 9/15, thank you Bell doesn’t have my mouth Hedgeical Wire!!! care. I will sit wherever I very much for the funny orbreathing fire like on the want now, because you’re dering experience! That was commercials. Actually, the Eugene: you know what you stupid and left that seat open. the most fun I’ve ever had at other end of my digestive did. You’re in for it now, sir. Call me odd for wanting a a Subway. I’ll be seein ya! track was shooting fire from Hey! If you’re reading this seat and not wanting to fall Love: Toasted Honey Oat it; but I guess you can’t on Wednesday afternoon over everyone when the bus Bread, Tuna, a LOT of Black really show that on TV. and you’re in the ARC Gal, driver slams on the brakes at Olives, and Meatchances are you can see me lights. Don’t think it won’t ball Marinara. I’m currently doing homework right now: it’s called if you know where to look. happen. Again, years of TF, the next time you menhere. tion what you mentioned at writing personals before I get I’ll give you a hint: leave me experience alone, I won’t fix your to production. It minimizes It’s actually quite a turn on the football game, in front of the time I sit there and com- computer issues for you. to hear my boyfriend talk everyone, that loudly, I’m my job about dative plurals and going to crack you in the jaw. plain out loud about how (Actually, on it, locatives when he’s do- (You’ve been warned.) unfunny I am depends (To be fair, I wrote that so... whatever you like) ing his goodboy Latin Did you hear about Apple’s before I actually saw TO THE KID THAT homework. Beeowhipps! new military hardware? It’s how many submissions TALKS A SHITLOAD IN (I rock a chubby when I hear sold in bunches. It’s the: we got this week. Thanks RELIGION AND POLI- my girlfriend say words in iCame, iSaw, iConfor sending them in!) TICS CLASS MW @ 2:15: Hebrew at Passover Sed- quered. The commercial I came to production early so YOU ARE AN ANNOY- ers. I know the feeling.) has that guy from JeepI could eat some BBQ with ANCE, I HOWEVER Sometimes I wear re- ers Creepers wearing my housemates. Suck it, LOVE IT WHEN YOU ally sensitive head- military fatigue holding an reader, you weren’t invit- MAKE A JACKASS OF phones when my com- M-16. Very much a new ed...unless you’re one of my YOURSELF IN FRONT puter is just operating and direction for Mr. Jobs. housemates...in that case: the OF 80 OTHER PEOPLE shit, like installing files (iKissed a girl and iLiked garbage is piling up, no? 10-12 TIMES A CLASS... or updating programs and iT. iDon’t know but iVe To the girl at hill wear- KEEP UP THE GOOD it makes little noises. It’s been told, a big legged TOOLBAG... really faint to listen to, ing the medium tshirt WORK woman ain’t got no soul. who called all the AND GIVE IT UP, but the chirps and different iAte at an iHop today. moronic people try- YOU DON’T STAND tones it makes is like I’m iCould do this all day man.) ing to get on the H bus A CHANCE OF BAN- hanging out with a droid Little Naughty Bagels “ignorant assholes”... GIN THE HOT CHICK from Star Wars. R2- Grilled Cheese Recipe: Thanks for saying that. So YOU ALWAYS MAKE A D2 aint got shit on my Thick German Wheat, OF SIT- Dell Dimension 8200. fucking true. Too fuck- POINT American Cheese, TING NEXT TO. ing many of those at (Your Dell 8200 is one of Butter, Smoke, this school. (Your Smoke, taste? anger turns those droids that scared more the shit out of R2-D2 when me on. Is that bad?) Two muffins are on the side PS: HOW ABOUT A he woke up on that ship. of a road. The one muffin COUPLE MORE BUS- Sarah, it’s ok if your boy- Shitty OS’s scare R2.) says “Dude, Palin’s pregnant ES SO I DONT HAVE friend licks Italian Dress- Come to a meeting! teen daughter and mentally TO FEEL LIKE A ing off of plates. I mean We’re not scary! Colill son make me lol.” The othFUCKING SAR- really, it was just the few lege Ave Student Cener exclaims “HOLY SHIT A DINE ON THE BUS?? drinks that made him do it. TALKING MUFFIN!” ter Room 439, WednesYou see, the problem now is Yeah, I know you’ll never when people submit, I can’t read this, but just so you know, days at 9:00. We’d love This page is fucking jamput in pictures. Oh well. it was funnier than anything. to meet our readers! packed! Woot! Go you all!
PERSONALS RULES:
I don’t care what day it is I look at this really fat chick’s facebook pictures of her at bible camp whenever I feel shitty about myself. It makes me smile how much she devouts time to being a “daughter of christ” and still be so fat. (Excellent way to kick off this week’s column!) To the girl in my Knowledge and Power course... we don’t care if you aren’t a “traditional” student and that you have like, 10 years of experience in the financial field. Please SHUT UP AND STOP CORRECTING EVERYTHING SOMEONE ELSE SAYS!!!! There are 20 other people in the class and we really don’t care. Really. We don’t. To the girl in the Woodbury dorm who keeps leaving gobs of hair all over the second floor bathroom. Just stop it. Its disgusting and you could probably make a toupee out of that shit. is it weird that i pop a huge boner any time someone brushes past me on the B bus??? (Well, you’re probably a creep.) YOU ASSHOLES at Tillet Comp lab stop reserving the FUCKING rooms for these classes. And to teh Retards who don’t write down on boards that there is a class don’t expect us to leave just cuz u didn’t fucking do your job Dear Ladies, Can you please start wearing bras like normal people again? This is not Europe. Though if I may suggest, please advertise your services in a less temperature-sensitive way. Sincerely, Hates Seeing Odd/ Lop-sided/12yrold Boobies. I JUST LOST THE GAME (Yes, we even print stupid shit that freshmen send in.) Yeah, the new layout sucks, but could everyone please stop making stupid fucking “Facebook Petitions” petitioning the New Facebook? (I think that may be asking them too much. What are they gonna do without some stupid cause to rally around? Oh yeah, they’ll start sending me 20,000 fucking application invites. No, I don’t want to be a fucking pirate!)
PERSONALS
dear girl in my psych class, please for the love of buddha stop stroking your guidoass boyfriend’s face during class. he isn’t hot, you’re not hot, and it’s utterly vomit-inducing. at least do some normal PDA like holding hands. the sight of you touching his nasty, un-even excuse for facial hair makes me want to convulse with disgust. seriously, get a fucking room and stop canoodling during class or i will fucking ninja star your ass. k t h n x b y e . < 3 p.s. good luck on the next exam. it’s gonna be a toughy. ( A w e s o m e . ) twat IS a great word. maybe the greatest of words. I’d like to call that stupid bitch who wouldn’t lick my balls and decided not to swallow my jizz so she could spit it back on my shorts a twat. YOU ARE A TWAT mary! twat I don’t care if it Rains or freezes As long as I’ve got my Plastic Jesus Ridin’ on the dashboard Of my car I don’t care if it’s dark or scary Long as I got magnetic Mary Ridin’ on the dashboard of my car When I’m goin’ fornicatin’ I’ve got my ceramic Satan Sittin’ on the dashboard of my car Women know I’m on the level Thanks to the wideeyed stoneware devil Sneerin’ from the dashboard of my car (You fail.) To my landlord: Fucking fix the light in my god damn bathroom already! This isn’t 1864, I shouldn’t have to shower and shit by candlelight. The only reason I should be lighting candles in my bathroom is to mask the smell of my massive morning shits. If you’re not doing at least 80, get out of the left lane you fucking pussy! (Damn PA drivers.....) So I heard a rumor that the Rutgers Review is now a monthy “magazine” instead of a weekly “paper” (I use both terms very loosely, since the Review is best used to wipe your ass with. It’s better than the Targum for wiping, take it from me). I guess they couldn’t get a weekly following. Suckers.
“Keep firing, Assholes!” Blew, I’m gonna blow. Blue in the face. Get me the fuck outta this face. I masturbate to snuff films. To that old sick fuck who lays on the couch downstairs in Alexander all day. Your snoring is distracting. I wanna suck your cock. (Jesus fucking christ you people are weird.) To The Medium. Somebody really needs to proofread your shit. Spelling errors like a mother fucker. And the Polish guy who does the opinions section is a fucking dumb fucking Polock (sp?). I dare you to print this!!!!! (Oh I printed it! What you gonna do now, BITCH?) Sick drunk college street lingering dying waste wasted gross spit sick cough puke c h i l d r e n . O fuck. God, Jesus. Help me close. Warm me tight. Tuck me sane. Bring me peace. Release me. (Huh? I think you’ve done too many drugs.) To all you drunk wandering collegiate vagrants who keep getting jumped at 3am on College Avenue. How about some vigilante justice? Start carrying knives and guns and shit and when a black/hispanic male punches you in the face for no reason, kill his fucking ass and teach these fuckers a lesson. (Some of our older fans are asking where all the racism went. It’s back.) To the Rutgers Police Deptartment. Please give me back my pipe, pills, mirror, ether, and dignity. (Sounds like you got pwned.) To those assholes at the Starland Ballroom who ruined Flogging Molly for me: If I EVER see you fucking cocksuckers on the street, I will punch you right in the fucking face, and it’ll be about 100000000 times harder you did it to me at the show you fucking chodes. (Dude, FUCK STARLAND! The people there have to be the biggest asshats I’ve ever seen at a show.) Anyone ever notice that Diet Pepsi tastes like really cheap vodka? If the Targum already has “Inside Beat”, then why does teh Rutgers Review even exist? (Especially when “Inside Beat is better.” A lot better. Stupid hipsters.)
THE MEDIUM
Medium Poll:
By Satanic Yoda
As most of our readers are aware, we (Rutgers) recently spent over $100 million dollars to renovate and expand Rutgers stadium. When Coach Schiano finally got what he wanted after getting the entire Board of Governors to bow to his will and fellate him on demand, he paid us back by fucking sucking. The team is 0-3 after two fucking awful losses to schools that no one really cares about. So now we’re back to having a shitty football team and we’re $100 million poorer. Thanks a lot, Dick McCormick. This week’s question: How gay is that shit? A. Straight B. Gay C. Really gay D. Actually playing football gay E. Richard Simmons Send replies and hatred to personals@themedium.net
To my roommate: stop being so fucking sick all the time, you’re making me nervous. Dear Roommate, how dare you betray me and create a character for the ALLIANCE! Not only that, but you played on a different server! Fuck you! I won’t level your character now for you. Do it yourself, alliance fag. For the Horde! (This is what happens when you play too much World of Warcraft. I think you need a break dude.) I’m almost geared enough to start the Black Temple! Illidan, here I come! (What did I just say about playing too much WoW?) The Museum of Natural History is so much more fun when you’re stoned. Really, try it sometime. Especially the Imax Hey I saw you the other day, orange girls, and I must say, you’re looking a lot less orange lately. Way to Go! In my house there is problem...and that problem is the jew My new bong is fucking awesome!
The Palin Family: defending white trash America’s values, one retard baby at a time. Who’s gonna watch that brotha Obama own that old cracka McCain at the debate on Friday? So, where should I go this year for my sororistitute pussy? SDT is all worn out, but ZTA is lookin’ slutty. To rhinoceros bitch in my Italian class: God I hate you. If I had one wish, it would be that you could be a little less obnoxious. Its bad enough that you look like a rhino. We got a TON of submissions this week! Thanks to everyone who sent shit in! Keep submissions flowing to personals@themedium. net just like the diarehha after Brower breakfast. We printed EVERY SINGLE FUCKING THING that we got this week, so if you’ve got something to say, tell us! (And finally, a shout out to the Targum Editor in Chief: Fuck you, buddy! (and you can’t say that in your paper! :-p) Love, The Medium)
THE MEDIUM
WHAT THE FUCK?
Wednesday, September 24th, 2008
“Don’t you ever do Mr. Rogers.”
This Day in History
ON CAMPUS
September 24th
(9/24/2008) RU busses- You wait for a fucking hour, then you wedge yourself between a bunch of fucking freshman who are retarded I hate those guys.
45 BCE - Julius Caesar conquers Gaul and discoveres French women have hairy armpits.
(9/27/2008) Rutgers Football vs. Morgan State- C’mon Mike Teel, make our job even easier; fuck up against a 1-AA team.
600-1300 CE - The sun is mysteriously blotted out and the dark ages happen.
(9/28/2008) Centurion Offices- The sudden disturbing realization that everything the believe in is evil dawns upon the entire editorial staff.
1600 - EIC Pablo Jose is born
OFF CAMPUS (9/25/2008) (Alaska) - Sarah Palin finds out that everyone is making fun of her and throws a bitch-fit.
1761 - Ben Franklin does some serious whoring in New Brunswick (Revolutionmary Pussy) 1762 - Ben franklin Invents Venerial Disease 1809 - Dolly Parton discoveres ice cream... or was that Dolly Madison...
(9/26/2008) (New York City) - Javitz Center; New York Anime Festival calls all the nerds in the tri-state area together to make me seriously depressed that I share an interest with them. Next issue should contain my writeup of the con. (Wish me luck)
1863 General Sherman Lights a fart and finishes burning everything in Alabama on his march to the sea
(9/27/2008) (New York City) - Rutgers University Student finds out that LAST WEEK was free transit week and they have to actually pay to ride the train. Hilarity ensues.
1991 - Communist party is deemed “lamXorz”, party broken up by cops
1865 -Abe Lincoln really regrets going to the theater
Today - Everyone’s body taken over by aliens - you are last to know (look behind you)
RU A FAT SLOB? Choose-The-Next-Fat-Sandwich Submisson Contest The Rules are simple: Send in an article along with your vote for your favorite sandwich idea. If we like your article we will ask the grease trucks to add your choice. No guarantees. While supplies last. Fat Sarah Palin Beer Braised Moose Penis Mango & Botox Chutney Spread Herb Encrusted Raw Seal Blubber Topped with Applewood Smoked Bacon Sprinkling of Teen Pregnancy
Fat College Student Pan Seared Oriental Flavored Ramen Noodles Keystone Light Marinated Chicken Nuggets Rutgers Dining Hall Take-out du jour leftovers Bong Resin Mystery Relish
Fat Soul Collard Greens Southern Fried Chicken Corn Bread Watermelon Grape Drink Mix
Fat World Borscht Couscous Wiener Schnitzel Ludafisk Goulash Malaria
Fat Ass (Democrat) Extra Firm Marinated Tofu Organic Free Range Yogurt Lock Barbara Streisand’s Hair Steamed Arugala Sprigs Topped with double-shot of Espresso Fat Patriot Act American Cheese Freedom Fries Liberty Cabbage Endangered African Elephant Tusk Shavings Crude Oil
Fat New Jersey Salt Water Taffy Hair Gel Fake Tan Lotion RU-486 Bruce Springsteen’s Born To Run Album